Episode 7 School of Silence

BELL RINGS

Shssh!

Shssh!

-Shssh!

-BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children

in the country are sent for the ultimate in silent training.

Today four new pupils are stepping up.

They have one day to prove that they can be silent.

Can you do that in a day? Is it possible? It's time to find out.

This noisy lot are from Cardiff and Buckinghamshire and are having their

noise levels assessed by the headmistress and the form tutor.

You child, name?

-Taylor.

-Taylor loves to scream at the top of her voice

and can often be found shouting on the swings in the playground.

You, name?

-Aaron.

-Aaron is a keen drummer, but doesn't always practise

in the appropriate place. He once got caught playing in the library.

-You, name?

-Charlotte.

Charlotte is the giggler in the group. Her class teacher

is always making her swap desks just to keep her quiet.

You, name?

-Alice.

-Alice is Charlotte's twin sister

and, what a surprise, she's also a giggler

who loves nothing more than laughing out loud with her mates.

They've certainly come to the right place for their silent training.

-They've got a tough day ahead of them.

-That's enough, get out!

Shssh!

Here's how the day works. The new pupils have three

challenging classes to learn how to be silent,

followed by the crucial final exam which will determine whether they

graduate or will be expelled. If they are too noisy...

..I will know about it thanks to this device, the Gobstop 2000, the latest

in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate

and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep THAT shut,

-then I will have no choice but to expel them.

-Shssh!

Now, before we begin I must ensure

the school has been hushed down. KLAXON BLARES

Seven seconds to hush-down.

Seven...six...five...

four...three...two...one.

Shssh!

SHE SNORES

Shssh!

It's time for their silent training to start in their first class

-of the day with Mr Gross.

-Shssh!

Come in.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Hello, hello. Sit down, please.

Right, shush!

Thank you. I am Mr Gross and I am your teacher for General Studies.

This is your first lesson in your silent training and it is incredibly

important that you pay attention.

We will use a gobstopper from the jar to select

which child will be taking part.

There's a gobstopper in there the same colour as each of your ties.

Remember, Miss Gobstop, the headmistress, is listening

at all times on these microphones.

If you make too much noise, the Gobstop 2000

-will know about it.

-Shssh!

Time for silent training to begin.

What You Looking At. The chosen child will have 30 seconds

to stare at me in absolute silence.

-Does that sound easy?

-Yeah.

-Yes. No.

-Well, shall we find out?

Alice, would you like to pick a gobstopper?

-OK.

-Have a little pick, see who's in there.

Remember, you're in there, too.

Oh, what a shame, it's you - blue.

Lovely, so you'll be doing the stare-off.

-Shssh!

-Remember, no laughing,

no giggling, no looking away. You must stare at me.

You're not allowed to avert your gaze. Remember, Miss Gobstop

is listening, so if you do make any noise, she will hear.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Ommmmm....

Sorry, I'm just psyching myself up. OK. Right, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Your time starts...now.

And they're off.

It's a good start from Alice.

Here come the funny faces.

Not working.

Now, Mr Gross usually likes to gross them out.

Oh, that's disgusting, but still no sound.

Time up! Well...

You can keep that, dear.

Well, I'm quite impressed.

I even had a good root around and found some earwax for you

and you didn't crack.

Impressive, Alice.

And not bad by the rest of you, although I did hear

a little snigger at some point.

I think we need to step it up a notch.

Good start. So, bin that hankie, Mr Gross, and show us what's next.

Clown Face.

One child will stand behind the chosen child

and have 30 seconds to turn their face into a lovely clown.

Aaron, you can pick who's doing the next one.

No peeking!

White. Who's white?

Charlotte! Charlotte, indeed.

-Shssh!

-Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening on your microphones.

No matter how ridiculous she looks,

even if she looks humorously ridiculous,

you must try to suppress any laughter, is that clear?

OK, jolly good. Right, get your arms in there.

Your time starts...

-..now.

-And here we go.

A bit of giggling from Charlotte there.

On goes the face paint.

A cheesy grin from Alice.

A bit of noise from Charlotte.

And a giggle from Taylor.

This is quite a tough one.

They're not really managing to keep giggles in.

And Taylor laughing again. Oh, dear.

And time up. Well, I must say

that was an absolute unqualified failure.

But even though you couldn't see what you were doing, she looks good.

She looks actually like a clown.

Oh, yes, high 10.

-Oh! Good grief.

-Shssh!

Time for more silent training. Flying Toilet Paper.

In case you were wondering, this test involves some toilet paper

that will be flying.

You will have 30 seconds to throw some toilet paper at a target

that will be around the neck of the chosen child. You must try

to get as many bits of toilet paper on to the target as possible.

Of course, this must be done in absolute...

-Silence.

-Yes, Aaron! You're finally learning. Brilliant.

Naturally, being toilet paper, we've soaked it in toilet water.

But I must assure you,

there is no wee in the water, I tasted it myself.

Flying Toilet Paper.

Let's find out who's doing the task.

Taylor, I think you can pick the gobstopper this time.

Remember, as you've seen, it might be you who you pick out.

White. I wonder who that is.

Oh, dear, it's you again, Charlotte!

Are you looking forward to it?

-No.

-No, why would you be? Right.

Shssh!

And here is a lovely bowl

of sloppy toilet paper.

And, as you'll see, it's quite wet and soggy.

It sticks delightfully to whatever you chuck it at.

-OK? Are you ready, Taylor?

-Yeah.

Charlotte, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Yes, good. Your time starts...now.

Bull's eye!

Oh, some loud chuckling from Taylor, there.

More laughing.

-Charlotte staying quiet.

-It's all gone!

-It's all gone!

-Some talking now.

You cheater!

That talking from Taylor is going to register on the Gobstop 2000.

Yeah.

Oh, dear. That's nearly time.

Time!

Well, you set off the Gobstop 2000 numerous times in that task.

However, you did empty the bowl and get some very good shots on target.

There is a bit of splatterage,

but it is, frankly, unavoidable in such a messy game.

However, what isn't unavoidable is this incessant sniggering

and laughing that you were all doing.

Miss Gobstop will not be impressed.

You were sitting here like a chattering monkey, "Eeh, eeh, eeh!"

all the way through, Charlotte.

Ridiculous. You, Taylor, were sitting here going,

"Ha ha ha!" Ridiculous! Right...

BELL RINGS

I've had enough. Get out of my class, please. Go! Go on!

-Yay!

-Bye.

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

-Yay!

-Out, quickly. Hurry up.

Taylor and Charlotte, the little gigglers, I'm going to have

to keep my ear on them.

That was your first lesson with Mr Gross, how was it?

-Disgusting.

-Really?

Now you can see why we call him Mr Gross.

Charlotte, you got the raw end of the deal, really, didn't you?

You've been turned into a clown in Clown Face. How was that for you?

It was horrible.

Did you stay silent while it was happening?

-Kind of.

-It's not easy, is it?

-How did you find the test?

-It was hard cos I couldn't see her face.

-And there were lots of giggles, I heard.

-Yeah.

-Yes. How do you think you're doing as a team? It's a team effort.

-Good.

-Not bad.

-OK.

-Yeah, OK.

It'll probably get harder, but then we'll be working as a team, so...

So, you're going to the canteen for a bit of food, so good luck.

Enjoy yourselves. See you in a bit, Charlotte.

-Hopefully someone else will get picked in this one. See you.

-Bye.

-Ta-ra.

-BELL RINGS

Attention, this is the School Of Silence.

Pupils are reminded that calling out in pain

if they graze their knee in the playground

is totally unacceptable.

With one class behind them it's time for some more silent training.

Shssh!

Coo-ee! Britney, dear?

Look sharp, dear, it's lunchtime.

Hello, my dears.

-Hello.

-Hello! Thank you.

Right, my name is Nora,

Nora Nugget, and I'm the dinner lady here at the School Of Silence.

Welcome to my kitchen.

And behind me here is my...

My lovely assistant Britney.

Say hello to Britney.

-Hello, Britney.

-Lovely. There we go.

Now, Mr Gross tells me you were rather rowdy in his class.

-We were laughing.

-You were laughing?

-Yeah.

-I don't want any giggling here, all right?

-Shssh!

-What's up first on the menu?

Human Pizza!

What's a Human Pizza?

A Human Pizza is simply a pizza

that is made on one of your teammates' heads, all right?

So, we've got some tomato sauce, we've got sweet corn, olives and,

of course, finish off with a nice sprinkle of grated cheese

on the top, there. So, Britney dear,

could you ask young Charlotte to pick a coloured gobstopper for us?

Go on, Charlotte, don't be scared, dear. Who's it going to be?

Who's it going to be? I can barely contain my...

Oh, Alice, it's you!

Well, now, do I understand that this is your sister, Charlotte?

-I expect you're going to enjoy this rather a lot!

-Shssh!

So, you're going to start with the tomato sauce and then we've got some

herbs here, olives, sweetcorn

and finish off with a nice bit of grated cheese on the top.

All right, Charlotte, yes? Now, you are remembering

that this must be done in absolute silence, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Charlotte, you have 30 seconds of absolute silence

to turn your sister into a Human Pizza, all right, my dear?

Your 30 seconds of silence starts now.

GIGGLING

Lots of laughing, there.

More giggling from Aaron.

On goes the sweetcorn.

GIGGLING

And the olives. This is very noisy.

A few seconds left.

-Oh, I hate you!

-Right, well, that's time up and I'm afraid you

were making noise and giggling and chatting the whole way through that.

You do look a state, my dear. We'd better get you cleaned up,

all right?

Right, my dears, I think it's time for you to go off to your next

lesson, science, with Miss Bunsen in the laboratory,

but please could you make sure you all wash your hands before science?

-Lovely, well, nice to meet you all.

-BELL RINGS

Thank you very much and off you go.

-Cheerio.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye, dears. Cheerio.

Nice and quietly, thank you.

Oh, dear. Alice and Aaron have dragged themselves down to the

noisy level of Taylor and Charlotte.

Unimpressed!

So, how was the canteen experience?

-OK.

-Yeah?

-Except for her.

-It was fun.

-I have to say, Charlotte, maybe

a future career there as a chef, as long as your restaurant puts the

food on people's heads when they come in...

-I don't think she'll get a lot of money.

-No?

-No.

-You wouldn't pay for that?

-I wouldn't.

-Well, how is it to taste?

-I haven't tasted it.

-Oh, OK.

I don't think I want to.

Do you think now from Mr Gross class to here you've got more quiet?

We're getting better.

-Can you do better?

-Yes.

-Well, you're now going to go

and meet Miss Bunsen. She's waiting in the science class.

Off you go. Good luck. More food on heads, please.

-We like that.

-BELL RINGS

Attention, attention.

This is the School Of Silence.

Pupils in the library are reminded to judge books by their covers.

The constant noise of turning pages is highly distracting for

-other students.

-Shssh!

It's time for the last class of the day before their final exam.

It's silent training with Miss Bunsen.

Come in, come in. What a noise!

Oh, dear, oh, dear, Aaron.

My name is Miss Bunsen and this is

your science class. What I need you to understand, boys and girls,

-is silence in science.

-First experiment, please.

Star Suit.

Now, one of you will be wearing the suit, the others will be

throwing balls, which represents the planets, towards the suit.

Hopefully the suit will suck in the balls and make them stick.

Let's see which one of you will be

the sun. Let's have you picking, Aaron as you've got such a big gob.

-Oh, unlucky, Charlotte!

-Shssh!

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Right, of course this has to be done in complete and utter silence

-which is going to be quite difficult for you chatterboxes?

-Yes.

-Yes. Ready?

-Yes.

Your time starts...now!

GIGGLING

That's a very noisy start from the team.

They need to keep those noise levels down.

They're hitting the star suit,

but they're also setting off the Gobstop 2000.

-I missed.

-Are they getting worse?

-All right, time's up, time's up!

Right, well,

Charlotte you did really well and it's good to see that my Star Suit

is working perfectly well.

Chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat,

chatter all the way through.

-Chattering and laughing! You're not meant to make a sound.

-Shssh!

Last one before the final exam.

Human Car Wash.

Well, I thought to myself what is the point in wasting time taking

your clothes off to wash them?

Why not wash them while you're still wearing them?

-Genius! Now, let's see who is going to be...

-I want to do it.

The guinea pig.

Let's get Alice to choose.

Mix them up, Alice.

No looking!

Sorry.

-Oh, it's the white one again.

-Oh, my goodness, Charlotte!

You are the chosen one yet again.

-Shssh!

-You'll lather her up, yes?

Taylor, you'll wax her and, Aaron, you will spray her down with water.

Now then, are you ready to do this experiment in complete silence?

Then your time starts...now.

OK, on with the foam.

A little giggle there.

And now the wax.

Actually staying quite silent.

OK, the water rinse.

Maybe the silence training is working.

Time's up, time's up! Let's have a look. Are you clean, Charlotte?

Well, done for staying quiet, I'm very pleased about that.

BELL RINGS

Off you go. Colonel Kittens doesn't stand for lateness.

Slow, but silently.

Is it broken?

I don't think so.

They're just being exceedingly quiet, which is just the way I like it.

Wonderful.

So, that was the end of your science lesson.

-How was it?

-Good.

Yeah? It's part of your is training to say stay silent.

-Charlotte, do you think you're managing that?

-Yes.

-Yeah? Alice?

I... I like to see my sister getting wet and foamy!

When you go to the final exam, which you're about to,

-you have to be quiet as a group. Do you think you can?

-Yeah.

How confident are you that you're not going to make any noise?

-Very confident.

-Are you?

-Not that confident.

-Aaron, not so much?

-50/50.

-Are you ready for this?

-Yes.

-Colonel Kittens is waiting for you.

It's been nice knowing you! Good luck.

Attention, attention!

The school orchestra will be performing their

stringless violin quartet in the hall this afternoon.

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times they will be expelled.

Well, their silent training has all

been building up to this, their final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Right, you terrible little twerps,

I am Colonel Kittens

and it's my job to make you crack.

I wonder if you're going to be noisy during your final exam.

These are the items at my disposal

and, believe you me, they will all be coming your way.

Now, question, do you think

you can achieve success?

-Yes, sir!

-Are you ready?

Yes, sir!

-Then your time starts now!

-And he's straight in with the feather duster,

classic Colonel strategy.

Straight for the feet.

A ticklish part of the body.

A little bit of giggling from Aaron, there.

Yes, I think the Colonel has spotted a weakness.

OK, here comes the gloop bowl.

The girls are staying very strong.

But a little bit of a giggle from Aaron again.

OK, it's the jelly tank.

Charlotte gets it, and so does Alice.

Oh, no, it's one of the Colonel's silly faces accompanied

by a very silly walk.

This normally works.

Yes, some definite chuckling there from Aaron and Taylor, but is that

enough to set off the Gobstop 2000?

HE GIGGLES AND BLOWS RASPBERRY

Well, we had a couple of things there.

A stare-out competition, a big laugh and what I think was,

yes, the trump machine.

PRESSES TRUMP BUTTON

Hold strong, Alice. We're with you on this one.

Good job.

It's a face full of gunge.

And some silly string, Colonel holding nothing back today.

Taylor, keep those giggles in.

You're dealing with an expert. Here comes the watering can.

Still staying strong.

-Very impressive.

-BELL RINGS

Time up!

Well, look at the sorry state of you.

Alice, you look like a blueberry

muffin exploded on your head.

-Am I making you laugh? Do I amuse you?

-Yes.

Good, if that's what it takes to get you expelled.

Now, get out of my gym!

Are you still here?

-How do you think it went?

-I think we passed.

-Do you?

-No, I didn't because I didn't stop laughing.

-What do you think,

-Charlotte? How do you think you did?

-I think I did well.

OK, Alice?

Well, I laughed at the end of it.

But it was once, not three times.

-Do you think between you you've all made it go off three times?

-No.

-No, I think twice.

-No, probably once or twice, yeah.

What do you think, graduated or expelled?

-Graduated.

-OK, well, Miss Gobstop is waiting for you. Off you go.

-Good luck.

-I'm not going in first.

I'll go last.

-Shssh!

-It's time to find out how they did in their final exam.

-Miss Gobstop, there seems to be some children here.

-Let them in.

Come forward, Aaron.

-Thank you, Miss Bunsen.

-Thank you, Miss Gobstop.

Silently.

You were sent here because you

were all far too noisy and I've put you through silent training. Barney.

Sorry, miss.

Let's look at your reports.

Aaron, you're a cheeky, giggly little boy, aren't you?

-Yes,

-Shssh!

-Oh, yes, high 10.

Oh! Good grief.

GIGGLING Maybe the girls set a bad example.

Taylor, you started the day with a few noisy chuckles.

Shssh! GIGGLING

Shssh!

Alice, one half of the terrible twins,

you may think you've got through the day silently,

but my Gobstop 2000 doesn't lie.

It picks up every single noise,

including when you were made into a pizza.

I didn't know pizza's made noise, Alice.

Shssh! GIGGLING

Charlotte, you were chosen several times today.

Unlucky.

You've been pelted with toilet paper,

planets,

dressed as a clown,

put through a car wash.

Did you make it quietly?

I don't think so.

Giggled, chuckled all day.

In your final exam how do you think you did?

-Bad.

-Good.

Right, I can tell you, you giggled throughout your whole exam.

It wasn't very good.

Shssh!

SNIGGERING

-Shssh!

-But did you fail...

or will you graduate?

I can reveal...

You graduated.

Oh, yes!

-Aaron.

-I'm just excited for them.

Your training has been a success, children.

My Gobstop 2000 didn't go off at all.

Not once.

You did giggle, but you kept it controlled.

Well, done. Very impressed.

I can now reward you

with the Golden Gobstopper.

Take it with pride, Charlotte, you deserve it.

Don't drop it.

Now, be on your way and spread the silence.

Go celebrate silently.

Well, done, guys.

-DOOR THUDS

-Yay!

GIGGLING

Be on your way.

Take them away from the window.

-We'll do it silently, yeah? Yes.

-OK.

-Nice and quietly.

-Nice and quietly.

BELL RINGS Come on!

WILD CHEERING

-Yay!

-Shssh!

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