Episode 8 School of Silence

Sssh!

Sssh!

Aargghh!

CHEERING

Sssh!

BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School of Silence.

This is where the country's noisiest children

are sent for silent training.

We're gonna be following four new arrivals.

Have they got what it takes to stay completely silent? Follow me.

This rowdy lot are from North London.

Their noise levels are assessed by the headmistress and tutor.

-You, first child. What's your name?

-Elissa! Hellooo!

Elissa has no verbal self control and, apparently,

her sister is sick of her being so noisy.

-You, what's your name?

-Gabby!

Gabby is a real giggler and would love

to scream her head off in a library.

-Third child, what's your name?

-Cagdas!

Cagdas is a noisy joker

and is constantly being told off for being loud and cheeky.

-Last child, what's your name?

-Mahan!

Mahan loves to play his saxophone really loudly

and he will laugh at practically anything.

This lot have certainly been sent to the right place.

They're gonna need a lot of work.

That's enough! Out!

Sssh!

Here's how the day works. The new pupils

have three challenging classes to learn how to be silent,

followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

I will know about it, thanks to this device - The Gobstop 2000,

the latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep THAT shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

Now, before we begin,

I must ensure that the school has been hushed down.

KLAXON

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven...

six...

'five'...

four...

three...

two...

'one.'

Sshh!

Ahh. Hic!

It's time for their silent training to start.

It's their first class of the day, with Mr Gross.

Who's humming? Was it you?

You'll come to grief.

KNOCKING

Oh, it's you lot. Come in, sit down.

Quietly, please!

What are those shoes? Trainers? Who said anything about trainers? Right.

Who said anything about 1978 sandals?

LAUGHTER

Insolence! You'll come to grief. You'll be for the high jump.

Right, I am Mr Gross, your teacher for General Studies,

the first lesson of your silent training.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening through those microphones.

-You see this, girl? Put the desk down.

-Hello!

'Yes, she's listening.'

Every time you're too noisy, she'll hear.

Right, time for silent training to begin.

Say what?

-What.

-No! It's not an instruction.

During this task the chosen team mate

will have to hold up a series of speech bubbles.

You will have 30 seconds to reveal the speech bubbles

to the chosen team mate,

during which you must remain absolutely silent.

Gabby, you will pick a gobstopper

to find out who you're doing the challenge to.

Let's see.

Green! Wonderful!

Mahan.

Mahan, come round here.

You must try not to snigger, or giggle or laugh at any of these.

Miss Gobstop is listening

and it's all part of your silence training.

Your 30 seconds starts now.

So, will they stay silent?

Oh, a little noise there.

A definite giggle from Mahan.

Oh, more giggling.

Keep it in, you're doing well.

Just a few more seconds.

Oh, another giggle.

Hold it.

BELL RINGS

Enough, time up!

That was terrible.

Look at you, sniggering, insolent behaviour the whole way through.

Sit down, please. Quickly, quickly.

Mahan, sit down. Not in that chair, in your proper chair.

-Oh, good grief.

-Sshh!

Let's see if they do any better with this one.

Sand Back.

You, Elissa, will have 30 seconds

to pour wet, soggy sand down the back of the chosen team mate.

And this must be done in absolute silence.

Right, let's find out who you're doing it to.

Pick out a gobstopper. No peeking.

Oh, Cagdas. What a shame(!)

You have 30 seconds to put that lovely sand

down naughty Cagdas's back.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

No!

Your 30 seconds starts now.

Oh, some noise there.

And talking.

'Argh.'

More noise, this is not good.

That's better. Hold it.

Nearly there.

BELL RINGS

Time! Enough! Stop! I said enough.

Sit down, Elissa, quickly.

Cagdas, look at the mess you've made.

Sit down, child. Are you sure that's sand?

It looks disgusting. Right.

That was absolutely dreadful.

This will bode extremely badly for your report.

Oh, dear. What's next?

It's called Flying Toilet Paper.

Mahan, you will have 30 seconds to throw the wet toilet paper

at the chosen team mate,

who will be wearing a target which you must try and hit.

But who will you be doing it to?

Pick a gobstopper.

Which colour will it be?

Red. Elissa. Good!

I think you deserve some of this, don't you?

Sshh!

The lovely toilet paper. Yeuch!

It's not been-used toilet water,

there's no wee in it. I tasted it myself.

LAUGHTER

Here's the bowl. When I give you the signal you will have

30 seconds to empty that bowl on that target as quickly as you can.

And it must be done in absolute silence.

You have to be silent, you have to be silent,

you silent, you silent and so do all of you.

Your 30 seconds starts...

..now!

-Oh!

-That is loud.

Oh!

-Oh.

-More noise.

-'Ow.'

-Oh, no.

Giggling from Mahan!

More giggling.

A few more seconds.

Stop, time is up.

Enough, Mahan. Oh, good grief.

Look at the mess you've made of my classroom.

-Yay!

-Disgraceful. Sit down immediately.

Elissa, sit down. You silly girl.

-I need a lie down.

-Old age.

LAUGHTER

Shush. You'll come to grief.

If you want to win the Golden Gobstopper in your final exam,

it doesn't bode very well. Not very well at all.

Plus, you've made a dreadful mess of my classroom.

Look at this! You don't seem to have grasped the rules.

This is the School of Silence, which means you'll be silent.

Not noisy, giggling, laughing and being insolent.

BELL RINGS

You're dismissed. Get out of my class.

Quickly, quickly.

Noisy, giggly, rude.

Did I mention noisy?

And that Gabby. Such a giggler!

I'll be keeping my ear on her.

Right, what happened? The first one was Say What.

How did that go?

-Not good.

-Cagdas kept laughing and he wasn't even doing the challenge!

OK, the second test was...

-Sand Back.

-And how did that feel, Cagdas?

Great to me!

If I get to pick you in that next round, we'll see about that.

Team work, you've got to stay silent, though.

How about Flying Toilet Paper? Were you quiet?

Elissa kept going "Eek! Eek! Eek!", at the beginning,

but then they got quieter.

That's why it's so hard to stay silent. How are you feeling?

Bearing in mind these are all part of your training.

Do you think they're working?

ALL: No.

Up next is going to be in the canteen.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Good luck.

'Attention, attention.

'This is the School of Silence.

'Pupils attending recorder practice are reminded

'not to bring their recorders, they make far too much noise.'

With one class down, it's time for some more silent training.

Coo-ee!

It's lunch time!

Welcome to my kitchen. My name is Mrs Nora Nuggett

and this is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

Well, you have been sent to me today as part of your silent training.

But I've heard reports that you were very noisy in his class.

Just remember that

Miss Gobstop is listening to every single word you say.

Let's see what's first up on the menu.

Cake Face. Now, you will have 30 seconds in which to

throw quite a lot of cream cakes into the face of your chosen team mate.

Gabriella, dear, if you would like to choose a gobstopper

from our jar there, we'll find out.

Ooh, Elissa.

Gabriella, if you wouldn't mind. Just come round into the kitchen.

Gabriella the giggler.

Well, I want you to try and remain

as silent as you can when you throw these cakes at Elissa.

All right? Do you think you could do that for me, yes?

You have got to get every single one of these cakes in her face.

You have 30 seconds of silence

beginning now.

-He-he-he!

-Oh, a giggle.

More laughing!

More noise. Oh, dear.

Ten seconds on the clock.

These are nice.

Talking now. Oh, no.

BELL RINGS

That's time.

You got through quite a lot of cakes, didn't you? But you were giggling.

-Sorry.

-Will they stomach this one?

Crispy Crickets.

You are going to love this one.

Right, your chosen team mate

will have to eat all the crickets they can in 30 seconds.

I hope you're hungry. Do you like crickets?

-No.

-I have them for breakfast every morning.

Right, then. Let's find out who's going to be taking this.

Could I ask you to do the gobstoppers there, please, Britney?

Here we go. Pick one out of there and we'll find out who it's going to be.

Oh, Mahan! Well, wonderful!

You've been looking forward to that, haven't you?

Absolutely.

There we go. Just pop them down in front of Mahan, there.

Right, there we go. OK, 30 seconds of absolute silence, all of you.

And you must eat as many of those as you can, all right?

I want to see that jar empty.

You have 30 seconds, starting from now.

That's not a good start, loads of giggling.

-I can't get them out.

-And talking, too.

More noise, there.

He's gotta eat one!

More talking from Gabby, there.

Just a few seconds left, come on.

BELL RINGS

-I can't.

-Well, I don't blame him.

Who'd eat an insect, anyway?

-Ahh, she didn't?

-Aww!

-Sshh!

-OK, what's next?

Chocolate Salon.

OK, you will have 30 seconds

in which to style your chosen team mate's hair with chocolate sauce

and a selection of accessories

that Britney's lent us from her collection.

All right, let's find out who's going to be playing.

Can you bring the coloured gobstoppers in, please?

Who's it going to be? Who is it, Britney, who is it?

Oh, yes! Lovely, Mahan.

Could we have the shampoo and the accessories? Here we go.

Cagdas, if you could stand behind Mahan.

-You're kidding?

-That would look nice on you!

Jump out of your stool and stand behind him, if you wouldn't mind.

You have 30 seconds of silence

starting from now.

-Ah, ahh!

-Oh, a lot of noise, there.

Aw!

More noise.

On go the curlers.

Ohh!

Groaning from Mahan.

Oh, dear.

That's time. Well, you did pretty well, but we'll have to see how you

do in your final exam this afternoon with Colonel Kittens.

If you don't improve in your silent training,

you shan't pass your final exam and you won't win the Golden Gobstopper.

BELL RINGS

OK. Off you go then, lovely to meet you all.

Lunch is over and look who's joining Gabby in the giggle brigade - Mahan.

And he didn't even eat his crickets. Huh!

OK. Let's talk about the first one, Cake Face.

You've got cake on you, what happened?

Gabby threw cakes at me.

-I thought you were my friend.

-I am!

Chocolate salon. Talk me through your style.

What sort of look?

-It's an improvement.

-You think it's an improvement?

You've got your last lesson.

So, what's to say that you're completely silent?

-We won't be.

-How do you know?

-Have you met Miss Bunsen?

-Cos we have him.

Oh, I see. He's the trouble maker, is he?

He's making all the noise?

Let's see what happens. Good luck, guys.

'Attention, attention. This is the School of Silence.

'Pupils are reminded to tuck their shirts in. And do it quietly!'

They have just one class to go before their final exam.

Oh, come in, come in.

Oh, they've arrived. Come in.

Sit down. That's right Mahan, that's it.

I am Miss Bunsen and I am your science teacher.

This is your last class before your final exam.

So it's very, very important that you follow the rules.

Remember, science in silence.

Got it? Got it? Good. Now then, you will be my little guinea pigs.

Will they keep quiet in this one?

Non-Drop Gloves.

I have invented a very special pair of gloves, which should

make sure you catch anything, anything at all.

Now, let's see which one of you will be testing it.

There you go, Elly.

Pick to see who will be testing it for me.

It's you! Unlucky.

Right.

You have got to throw those at Elly, OK?

And you're going to catch them.

Don't worry, because, of course, they're non-drop gloves.

Now then, are you ready?

-Not really.

-Sshh! Well done.

Let's see if it works.

You have 30 seconds in absolute silence,

my little guinea pigs, starting from...

Now!

-Ow.

-A bit of noise there.

Oh, you've got to keep those giggles in.

Some talking and laughing.

-He-he-he!

-More chuckles from Mahan!

BELL RINGS

Time's up. There was far too much giggling.

Oh, dear.

The gloves worked well though, didn't they? It's a shame about you.

Now, come on, take those off.

One more and then the final exam.

Fizzy Silent Disco.

Now, one of you will be dancing like a hip-hop dude.

But you'll be also holding some bottles of fizzy pop.

Now, the idea is to transfer all that dance energy into fizz power.

Now, let's see.

Cagdas, you pick.

Oh, which one of you is going to be the dancer?

Oh, unlucky twice.

Oh, Elly, it's you.

Put these on you.

Bottles of fizzy pop.

Of course, you'll need your medallion.

Let's have a look at you.

Oh, 50 Pence.

Great. Great.

You have 30 seconds and your time starts...

Now!

Now, remember, we can't hear any music,

but Elissa's having it blasted through the earphones.

Keep those giggles in.

Ah, this is much better!

Now, that is some good silent dancing.

Nearly there.

BELL RINGS

Time is up!

Quickly! Open them up.

See how they've got... Oh!

Oh, look at...

Oh, look at that fizz energy!

Let's talk about your performance.

Elly, star pupil of the day.

Everything in absolute silence, fantastic.

OK, I think you are ready for your final exam.

Class dismissed. May the force be with you!

Mahan and Gabby, nil improvement...

quelle surprise. Elissa and Cagdas, very good.

I liked the silent disco, it's my kind of music.

How do you think your silent training is going?

I think we've got better, a lot.

It's your final exam, can you be silent?

-For me, no, but for the rest, yes.

-Well, we'll see.

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times they will be expelled!

Their silent training has all been building up to this,

their final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Right! My name

is Colonel Kittens and it is my job to make you crack.

SNIGGERING

Sniggering, are we?

Highly amusing, I'm sure you'll find it. You won't for very long.

This is your final exam.

Now, are you ready to suffer in silence?

-Yeah.

-Kind of.

Me-me-me! Silence!

I will throw everything at you.

But remember, make three noises that set off the Gobstop 2000

and it will go on your final report and you will fail.

Oh-oh.

Keep silent and you will pass. Whoopee for do.

Your time...

..starts...now!

What will it be? Ah, it's the feather duster!

A squeal there already.

Gabby keeping the giggles in.

What a great start. Oh, thumbs up!

Oh, it's the cold, lumpy custard.

Oh, a big noise from Mahan.

Oh, no, he's going for Mahan, he knows he's the weak one.

Come on, hold it, hold it.

The gunge boot!

That hit somewhere bad.

You can't talk!

Oh, no, the slimy socks.

Colonel Kittens really not holding back today.

You can tell he's a professional.

More giggling.

-Shut up.

-Elissa's trying to keep control of them,

but Kittens is going for it here.

He's gone for the fun feathers now.

Come on, guys, hold it.

Five seconds left. Who's gonna get it?

-Argh!

-I knew it. That's got to be a strike.

Time is up!

And look at the terrible mess you've made of my gym!

I think you made an awful lot of noise during that, don't you?

-You're just jealous.

-Jealous?! How can I be jealous?

Look at the state of you, you're like a gooey peacock!

Disgraceful. Are you wondering how you did?

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go and find out!

-That was the final exam, how do you think you did?

-Rubbish.

No, I think we did OK.

Let's talk about Miss Gobstop,

because she is either going to graduate you or expel you.

-What do you think will happen?

-We'll get kicked out.

-Kicked out?

I think we might graduate, I'm not sure.

What's gonna happen?

-Expelled.

-Expelled.

-Graduation.

-Graduation.

-Expelled.

-I don't know.

-Well, come on, let's go and see Miss.

I'll lead the way because I'm the best dancer.

Come on!

Now it's time to find out how they did in their final exam.

KNOCKING

Come in. Quickly.

Now, you were all sent here because you were all far too noisy.

We've put you through rigorous training

and let's see what the reports say.

With Mr Gross, Cagdas, you were outrageous.

Not only noisy...

Ooh! Argh!

Rude, but cheeky.

With Nora Nuggett,

you got a lot better.

Gabby, your incessant giggling

brought me out in a rash.

In the science lab we had some promising development.

And then your final exam.

Will you graduate or will you be expelled?

I can now reveal...

That you will be expelled.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

One of you

set off the Gobstop 2000 three times - not once, not twice, three times.

Mahan, it was you.

Let's see the three strikes.

-Ah-hah!

-That's one.

-Ah-hah!

-There's two...

-Argh!

-And three.

It nearly exploded.

THEY GIGGLE

Not funny.

No golden gobstopper for you, just these.

Take it.

RASPBERRY!

Take it.

Take it.

You're terribly noisy, giggly and cheeky. Get out.

Out! Out!

You too, Barney. Out.

Eek!

Argh!

Ah!

Argh!