Episode 9 School of Silence

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Shush!

Shush!

Argh!

Shush!

Welcome to the School of Silence.

Pupils here go through intense training to learn to be silent.

Today, four pupils face the ultimate silence test,

but will they keep the noise down under pressure?

This noisy lot are from Birmingham and are having their

noise levels are assessed by the headmistress and the form tutor.

They're hideous, Mr Gross.

Well, my prescription does warrant rather thick lenses,

but hideous is perhaps a little unfair.

Not the glasses, the children!

Oh, right, silly me! Yes, they are hideous!

Come to the front!

-You, name?

-Sebastian!

Sebastian says he's the class clown and loves

to make his friends laugh as loudly as they can.

-Right, you. Yes, you. Name?

-Gregory!

Gregory loves to talk about computer games, really, really loudly.

-You, name?

-Michael!

Michael is Gregory's brother and is always getting

himself in trouble for noisily laughing at his friends' jokes.

You! Yes, you on the end.

-What's your name?

-Fatima!

Fatima likes to shout and scream whilst playing football.

Get them out. Out! Get out! Get them out, quickly!

This lot could definitely do with some silent training.

Sounds like they need it.

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to learn how to be silent,

followed by the crucial final exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they're too noisy...

BANG!

..I will know about it, thanks to this device, the Gobstop 2000,

The latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep that shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

Now before we begin, I must ensure school has been hushed down.

KLAXON BLARES

Seven seconds to hush-down. 7... 6... 5...

4... 3... 2... 1...

Shush!

Time for silent training to begin.

First class, Mr Gross.

Good grief, I'm late, I'm late. What's going on in here?

What are you lot doing in here?

Right, oh dear, I'm all a fluster.

What is it normally this time of day? General studies.

It's the first lesson of your silent training,

During which you must keep...?

BOTH: Quiet.

Silent. Not quiet, but less than quiet.

Less than quiet to...to...to...that.

Miss Gobstop will be listening on her Gobstop 2000.

Any time you make any noise, Miss Gobstop will hear on

the microphones. There is an exam at the end of

the day and if you want to pass it, you need to learn how to be quiet.

If you're not silent, you won't win the Golden Gobstopper

and you will be expelled.

Time for silent training to start.

Say what. One of you, the chosen pupil,

will have to reveal a series of speech bubbles to your team-mates.

These may contain humorous remarks.

You must read them and keep silent.

Even if you find them funny.

Let's see who will be doing the task.

In here are the gobstoppers. Each one is a different colour,

the same colour as your ties.

You'll pick out a gobstopper to decide who is doing the task.

Gregory. No peeking.

Red. Sebastian. Right.

Are you ready, Gregory?

-Yes.

-Good.

Your time starts now.

OK, first speech bubble.

One down and a definite laugh.

That's a very big laugh from Sebastian.

Not sure if that's true, but Sebastian is composing himself.

Well done.

Nearly time.

Time up. Right, well, I'm glad you found it so amusing that he'd

pooped himself, lives in a dog kennel and likes kissing tables.

Kissing tables? How unusual.

-Well, there was too much giggling there.

-Oh dear.

-What's next, Mr Gross?

-Flower Head.

Good grief, what's going on? It's an assault!

This is called Flower...

-Meadows.

-Head. No, not meadows, that's where they normally are.

Today, they're going to be on one of your heads.

You'll have 30 seconds to place a flowerpot

on the chosen team-mate's head,

fill it up with mud, plant the flowers and sprinkle

them with some lovely water.

You must remain silent all the way through.

Let's find out who's going to do it.

Dive in there. No looking.

Oh Fatima, it's you. What a shame, dear.

I think you'll look nice with a flower on your head, don't you?

Remember, the idea of this is that there's no noise.

You must do this silently.

And that goes for you, Gregory, as you've been giggling the most.

Your time starts... Now.

Can they stay silent?

There goes the soil. That was a definite giggle from Gregory there.

Fatima doing really well.

Gregory finding it really difficult keeping those giggles in.

OK, here go the flowers.

The watering can, that's gotta be cold.

But still more noise from Fatima.

-Well done.

-That's it, stop!

Well done, Fatima, it looks delightful.

We're going to pull it off now.

There we go.

Oh dear, we seem to have made more mess.

Sorry about that.

Time for a quick clean-up and then one more.

Maggot Hold.

You have 30 seconds to hold the maggots in absolute silence.

Right, let's find out who will be holding the maggots.

OK, Sebastian, pick a gobstopper out for me.

Who's going to get the maggots? Do you know what, I hope it's...

You! Oh well,

there are some things that make me happy and that is exactly it.

There we are, my favourite things, lovely stinky maggots.

And they do smell. Make sure none of them escape.

Particularly not Belinda, she's my favourite.

-Are you ready, Michael, to pour them into Sebastian's hands?

-Yes.

Remember, silence. Your time starts... Now!

Always a tough one, this. In go the maggots.

A bit of banging from Michael there, but Sebastian's doing brilliantly.

A bit of a giggle from Michael.

Ah, this is much better.

Well done, Sebastian.

Nearly time.

Time up! Put them in.

Well, I must admit, apart from one particular pupil,

you all did quite well.

Gregory, giggling away, but did you set off the Gobstop 2000?

I'm not quite sure. Now, Sebastian, you better go and wash your hands

after this class.

Yeah, yeah.

They were probably dirty anyway. That's it. Class dismissed!

So, how did they do overall in their first class?

It's time to find out from Miss Gobstop.

Silent training.

Training in silence. What's so hard to understand about that?

Two simple words. Silent training.

Do you understand?

I don't think they do.

Attention! Attention!

This is the School of Silence.

I'm happy to announce that this year's school show

is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Oh, that sounds much too noisy.

What about Sh-Sh-Sh-Chicago?

Time for a visit to the canteen for more silent training with our dinner

lady, Nora Nugget, and her beautiful assistant, Britney.

Cooee, dears. Well, it's lunchtime at the School of Silence

and I'd like to welcome you to my kitchen.

My name is Mrs Nugget, but you can call me Nora. Hello to you all,

or, as my colleague Britney might say, "Yo, dudes, what time is it?"

Right, you've been sent here

as part of your silent training, isn't that right?

We are gonna be feeding you some delicious dishes from our lovely

menu this afternoon. All right?

So, what's for starters?

Mushroom...

Curd...

Sandwich...

Right, this is one of my own recipes.

You will have 30 seconds to eat the mushroom curd sandwich. OK?

Fatima, dear, would you mind choosing the gobstop for me?

It's the white one. I do hope you've got an appetite.

-Have you? Are you hungry?

-No.

You may be wondering what is in this sandwich.

It's actually mushroom pate and lemon curd.

There you go, a nice bit of lemon curd to make it sweet and then

the mushrooms. There we go. Lovely.

That looks disgusting.

Nice and thick, dear, nice and thick. Bit more.

Michael, not too happy about having to eat it.

There we go. Right. Now.

You have 30 seconds, my dear. Starting from...

Now!

OK, Michael takes a test bite.

Not too sure about that.

Everyone staying quiet though.

He's got 15 seconds to go and, at this pace,

he's probably not gonna finish them.

Yes, we know, lemon curd and mushroom, not good.

I don't think he's got mush-room for much more!

That's time up!

You didn't eat very much, did you?

What did it taste like?

Sick.

They're my favourite sandwiches!

Can you believe what he just said?

At least you managed to stay quiet.

Compliments to the chef may have been better, Michael.

OK, what about dessert?

Veggie Spread...

Tache.

All right.

Now, who wants a moustache?

You've already got one.

Well, how rude!

You will have 30 seconds to give your chosen team-mate a moustache

or a beard, maybe some eyebrows, using our vegetable spread.

Who wants to pick?

Oh, Fatima, dear. Do you want a moustache, dear?

-No.

-Not really?

Unfortunately, the gobstoppers tell me that you are going to have one.

Remember, this must be done in silence.

This is all part of your silent training for your examination.

You have 30 seconds, my dear, starting from now.

OK, Veggie Spread Tache.

Or veggie spread goatee.

Fatima, staying remarkably quiet.

There goes the tache.

Everybody completely silent.

Ah, yes, some sideburns as well. Why not?

And still not a peep. The silent training is really working.

That's time, Sebastian.

Well, didn't you do well?

I think you did brilliantly. Especially you, Fatima.

That was amazing. You didn't make a single sound, my dear.

You have completed this part of your training and you've just

got one more lesson this afternoon with Miss Bunsen in the science lab

before your final examination with Colonel Kittens in the gymnasium.

Well done, all of you. That was absolutely marvellous.

Nora's finally happy, but what about Miss Gobstop?

Was that an improvement?

Yes, it was a general improvement over lunch.

I'm not allowed to pick favourites, but the quietest one in the group

did seem to be the only girl. Fatima.

Respect. I like it.

Attention! Attention!

This is the School of Silence.

Would all children avoid splashing loudly during swimming lessons.

In fact, just float.

With just one class left before their final exam,

it's time for some silent science.

My Name Is Miss Bunsen. Shush!

I am your science teacher.

This, of course, is science class.

I must impress upon you the importance of silence in science.

Very important. Very important.

Of course, this is your last class before your final exam.

I'm expecting big things from you all.

Silent experiment number one.

Trapped gas.

One of you will come up here and put a balloon up their t-shirt.

The other person will have to pump and pump and pump until the balloon

releases the gases.

Remember, it has to be done in absolute silence. OK?

Shush! Yes, all experiments must be done quietly.

Michael, let's pick you to pick this, shall we? There we go.

That's it. Who's it gonna be?

Is it gonna be you, Fatima?

Oh, look, it's Sebastian!

Unlucky!

OK, then. Boys, are you ready for the first experiment?

-Yeah.

-Yes. Michael?

You're pumping the gas. All right?

Your silent time starts now.

Oh, a little squeal there from Sebastian.

Starting to get much bigger.

Miss Gobstop, as always, watching to see any noise.

Some nervous giggling.

-Uh-oh!

-BANG!

Cool!

MISS BUNSEN: Oh, my goodness!

Shush! Quiet.

What a noise that made.

Let's have a look.

Well, you certainly released your gases, didn't you?

Off you go back to your seats.

-Goodness.

-One more experiment, then the final exam.

Silent disco.

D-I-S-C-O!

Silent disco. I love a boogie, me.

I do. Don't you? I can tell you do, Fatima.

It's written all over your face.

Now then, the silent disco.

What I want to do is see how much energy rock and roll produces.

You'll be moving and dancing and everything and then what I want to

do is see how much of that energy is transferred into fizzy pop

which you'll be holding in your hand.

Right then, let's see who will be doing the disco-dancing.

You pick this one.

I wonder who it'll be.

Oh, unlucky, Sebastian.

It's you again!

I hope you've got your groove on, Sebastian.

Let's get that on.

You look like Beyonce. Put these glasses on.

-There's too much hair.

-You're not used to it, are you?

Fizzy, fizzy pop. Here we go.

OK, your time starts now!

Remember, we can't hear anything, but Sebastian has got music blasting

through those earphones.

Michael, keep it in.

Sebastian's really going for it, but managing to stay quiet.

What a performance! As you can see, the rest

of the team are mesmerised by it.

This is really good.

Time up, time's up!

Let's have a look, see how they're getting... Oh! What a mess!

You hold that.

Look at all that fizz power. Look at that!

That is energy transference.

Rock on!

That was the end of the two tests.

You have been

quite quiet. Very well, very well done.

But you've got the final exam with Colonel Kittens.

I hope you do as well there as you've done here today.

Bye-bye.

That's it for their silent training.

Miss Gobstop's got to be happy with that.

Did I say how much I like this lot?

Did I? Oh.

Well, let's see how they do in the final exam.

Attention! Attention!

This is the School of Silence. Band practice takes place at 3.30pm today.

As usual, all instruments are banned.

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper, they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

This is the moment their silent training has been building up to.

It's the big one, their final exam.

With Colonel Kittens.

Right, you 'orrible little monsters!

I am Colonel Kittens and it's my job to make you crack.

From what I've heard so far, you've been quite naughty,

but not very noisy.

We'll soon see about that, won't we?

This is your final exam.

It isn't difficult to understand,

but you look quite stupid, so I'll explain it slowly.

These are my instruments.

The instruments of your demise, hopefully.

So, the question is, do you think you can do it?

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

Your time starts now!

OK, first up, the old faithful, feather duster. A bit of tickling.

Ooh, a small giggle there.

Everybody else seems to be quiet.

But will Michael's giggle have set off the Gobstop 2000?

OK, what's next?

The gunk roller.

A classic.

Always gets a reaction.

But not today!

The colonel, stepping things up now. This is the gunge brush.

The colonel, traditionally, has a lot of gunge left in that bucket.

Somebody usually gets it.

He's looking. He's looking for the noise.

Who's the noisiest? It's Sebastian.

Right on the head. Swamped by blue goo.

Here comes the silly string.

The team staying absolutely silent.

OK, splodge to the face.

Not a sound.

The colonel, getting cross now with the lack of noise.

He's not! He's gone for the pants.

His favourite pants that, yes, he wore for gym.

More goo and still nothing.

An onslaught of sponges.

That's nearly time.

Time!

Well, you quite spoiled my afternoon.

You look ridiculous, boy.

Do you intend to go 'ome like that?

Good. Someone else can clean up then.

Right, who's that on the end?

I can't recognise you. Speak up!

-Sebastian.

-Sebastian, is it?

I couldn't tell, because you're completely blue!

Were you quiet enough to pass?

I personally couldn't care less as long as I never see you again!

Now get out of my gym!

So, that was your final exam with Colonel Kittens. How was it?

Did you manage to stay quiet, Gregory?

-I think we've graduated.

-Do you?

Confidence! You've only got a little bit of stuff on you.

Michael, maybe not so lucky.

Is it hard staying quiet?

I couldn't really see, so...

You were doing pretty well. The silent training

has worked pretty well today. What do you think?

Are you gonna graduate or have you been expelled? Gregory?

-Graduate.

-Graduated.

-A 50-50 chance.

-OK. Sebastian?

-Graduated, for sure.

-Fatima?

-Graduated.

-Three graduateds.

Miss Gobstop is waiting for you, so best of luck.

This helps apparently.

Off you go, let's see what happens.

Good luck!

It's time to find out how they did in their final exam.

KNOCK, KNOCK Come in!

You have been sent here

because you're all far too noisy and I've put you through rigorous

silent training.

Let's take a look at your report.

Gregory, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

Not very amusing at all.

Fatima, the quietest child in recent memory.

Well done. Have you had your voice box removed, dear?

-No.

-Surprising.

Sebastian...

Shouty Sebastian.

The noisiest boy in my school today.

Not an honour

I appreciate.

A constant challenge to my Gobstop 2000...

..culminating in your ear-bending display

during the trapped wind experiment.

BANG!

Noisy, noisy, noisy.

Michael, your bravery in eating Nora's sandwiches today was noted.

A little silliness in Mr Gross's class, but overall quite promising.

So, how do you think you did in your final exam?

-Fine.

-Fine?

-Excellent and we're gonna pass.

-Oh.

We've got a fair chance, but I think...

Enough! Thank you. It's good.

I can now reveal...

You graduate!

Come on!

-Yes!

-And silent.

Very good. Even when you're happy, stay silent.

Now, who is going to receive the Golden Gobstopper?

Fatima.

Now, be on your way, and spread the silence.

Now get out!

Out!

Well done, guys!

-You too, Barney.

-OK.

-Just go and keep the noise down.

-Yes.

-Come on!

ARGH!!!