Episode 10 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence,

where the noisiest children in the country are sent

-to prove they can keep quiet.

-SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

We're about to meet four new arrivals.

But can they keep quiet for just one day?

Oh-hoo, I doubt it!

DOOR SQUEAKS

Shush!

Arrr!

RATTLING Shush!

SHOES TAP

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHEER

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to prove they can be silent,

followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

HE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

..they will get nothing.

And I WILL know about it, thanks to this device -

the Gobstop 3000,

the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep THAT shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

This wonderfully noisy bunch from Wandsworth in London

are having their noise levels monitored by form tutor, Mr Gross,

who has his work cut out today,

as head teacher Miss Gobstop has taken sick, so he's in charge.

Good luck, Mr Gross, and good luck, pupils.

You, step forward! Name?

ARAN!

Aspiring doctor and self-confessed screamer, Aran,

says she's always chatting when she's not supposed to.

Well, she won't get away with that here.

You, step forward! Name?

ANTON!

Anton's dream of being a pilot when he's older,

coupled with his love of police sirens,

could well mean a high-flying and very noisy future.

Blimey O'Reilly.

You, step forward! Name?

SUNESH!

Football fan Sunesh says he loves scratching

and will ideally just shout out "cheese" all day long.

He'd be a master at scratch and sniff.

HE SCREAMS

Where did you find these ones?

You, step forward! Name?

HASSAN!

Hassan loves singing and driving bumper cars.

He thinks the most annoying noise in the world

is his mum shouting at him.

Hopefully, today's classes will hit the right note

and get him on the right track.

THEY SCREAM

Right, that's enough, I can't take any more. Out!

Get them out, please! Get out, quickly.

THEY SCREAM

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson is General Studies, with Mr Gross.

He's in total charge today because Miss Gobstop is off sick,

so who knows what stinky surprises he has in store for our students.

HE SNIFFS

Beautiful!

BANGING ON DOOR

-Come in. Come in quietly, please.

-What?

-Quietly. What what? Sit down.

-What?

-It's too noisy when you slam it.

-So what?

-Big deal!

My goodness. You lot are just unbelievable.

And your hair's out of this world.

Thank you very much. I think it's pretty cool myself.

I am Mr Gross.

Your General Studies teacher.

Our headmistress, Miss Gobstop, is off ill at the moment.

Which leaves the deputy head in charge.

-And you know who that is?

-You.

Yours truly. So...

I will be using the Gobstop 3000...

to listen to you on these fluffy little microphones

to see if you're being quiet,

which I sincerely doubt you'll be able to do.

Anyway, it's time for your first silent test.

Shush!

Now, your first silent test

is about insects.

Some people find insects scary

and fear is the enemy of silence.

Anton, are you scared of insects?

No, but I'm scared of you.

Right, what about you, Aran?

-Are you scared of insects?

-No, I'm not scared of insects.

No? No, that's good, then you'll be fine in this test.

Try and keep silent throughout this test

and I don't think you can do it. If you make too much noise, you fail,

and you won't get a prize. And trust me,

that is prize enough for me.

Your silent test...

has begun.

Shush!

Ah, a Mr Gross classic - the creepy-crawlies.

So can our two seated pupils

silently brave four boxes of creepy-crawlies

being poured onto their hands?

And can their classmates on the sidelines keep quiet? We'll see.

It's the first box.

Worms! Oh, that's classic Mr Gross.

THEY GIGGLE

Time for Anton to meet the little fellas.

I love it, love it. Ooh, it's worms!

Ooh! No, no, no, I hate worms, I hate worms!

He doesn't like that. This should be interesting.

HE SCREAMS

Worms! Worms! I hate worms, man!

LAUGHTER

I get the impression Anton doesn't like worms.

And the Gobstop 3000, recording all of this

for Mr Gross to check later.

Box number two.

Ooh, it's maggot time!

-WHISPERING AND LAUGHING

-Aran will surely be quieter.

SHE SCREAMS

-No, she won't.

-Maggots!

STIFLED GIGGLES

This is a quiet riot

and there are still two boxes to go.

Can they salvage that prize?

Here's box number three. And, oh, dear, it's crunchy beetles.

THEY GIGGLE

No, please!

-These are really friendly!

-No!

ANTON SCREAMS

He said he wasn't scared of bugs,

so he must be shaking and screaming with joy.

It's disgusting.

Don't think the Gobstop 3000 will know the difference.

It's the final box and cover your ears,

it's crickets!

Mr Gross is hopping it up a gear.

Sunesh and Hassan suitably impressed.

Oh, no, don't, don't!

Anton's not so keen.

Grasshoppers.

-No!

-How will Aran cope?

SHE SCREAMS

By screaming her head off, obviously.

I'm just glad that Miss Gobstop is not here to witness this debacle.

That scream was almost off the scale on the Gobstop 3000.

I'm not putting my hands in that.

Your silent test is over.

Phew! That must be the loudest silent test

in the history of School Of Silence.

So, even though insects are very friendly,

they're also quite dirty,

so do remember to wash your hands afterwards, OK?

Right, I'm going to go and find out if you've passed

or if you've failed.

-OK.

-Bye.

So, Mr Gross stepping up to fill in for Miss Gobstop.

He's checking how many noises registered on the Gobstop 3000.

And probably checking that it still works after all that noise.

Attention, attention!

'This is the deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

'Sunesh and Hassan,

'you make very boisterous bystanders!'

THEY LAUGH

'Aran, your yelping was not helping.'

SHE SCREAMS

'And Anton,

'constant screaming is a "No, no, no!"'

HE SCREAMS

Class...

Were they quiet enough to bank a prize?

Fail!

-ALL: Boo!

-No prizes for guessing that one!

ALL: Boo!

Right, I tell you what, I've had enough of you lot.

Get out of my class! Of you go! THEY HOLLER AND YELL

Go on! Go on, clear off.

Out, out, out! Go on! Clear off.

It was disgusting - he put bugs and worms all over our hands.

You were screaming like a baby!

-Mr Gross.

-It's all Mr Gross's fault.

THEY TAUNT HIM

Attention, attention.

Would the pupil responsible for leaving a rotten fish

in the drawer of my desk

report to Miss Gobstop's office immediately?

It was delicious and I'd like to thank you in person.

Yummy. It's time for our students' second class,

geography with Miss Adventure.

She once walked all the way to the Far East,

but only because she got lost going to the shops.

Now, can these new pupils keep shtoom and bank a prize here?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh, come in, young explorers.

Come in, come in. Take a seat.

Hello, class. I'm Miss Adventure, geography teacher.

I understand in Mr Gross's class,

you failed the silence test, didn't you?

-Yes? Do you think you're going to pass my silence test?

-Yes.

I don't think you are. I've got a good one.

Now, remember - Mr Gross, deputy head, is listening,

and if you're silent, you might win a prize

from the confiscation cupboard.

So we're going to start another test of silence.

-Now, do you think you're going to pass?

-Yeah.

It's time for my silence test.

Right, class, every adventurer needs to know how to ride a camel,

and today in my classroom, you'll see I have the sands of Arabia,

across which you will ride two camels from one side to the other.

Now, camels... Camels are tricksy creatures.

I've got two here for you. Now, don't approach them.

Come in, camels. Come in, camels. There we go.

Tricksy.

Now, you may not know this, but camels become extremely distressed

if there's excessive noise.

They're also very distracted by tap-dancing, ice creams

and other forms of food.

Now, your silence test will be to ride the camel

from one side of the desert to the other

whilst I attempt to distract them.

Now, do you think you can do this in silence?

-YES!

-I don't think you'll be able to.

-THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

-I think this is going to be easy,

to be honest with you. Absolutely.

OK, class. Right, everyone. In your positions, please.

Get on your camels. Sunesh, Hassan?

Get on your camels. Hold on tight.

So the pupils must stay on the camels

for 30 seconds in absolute silence.

But Miss Adventure's distraction techniques

will not make it easy for them.

Right, your silence test will commence

in three...two...one...

go!

-HASSAN GIGGLES

-Oh, and within seconds,

Hassan is off and the rest of the team are off with the tittering.

Miss Adventure doesn't need ice cream to provoke this lot.

ARAN GIGGLES

Sandstorms of sound from the sidelines,

but Gobstop's electronic ears will be buzzing.

Miss Adventure's tap-dancing has landed Sunesh on the desert floor.

Right, swap riders, swap riders!

OK, go!

THEY GIGGLE

Straight off, chaotic cameleering and loads of laughter.

ANTON LAUGHS

Can they get a grip of their giggles?

Have they forgotten there's prizes at stake?

-THEY GIGGLE

-Shushing from the side

making no difference whatsoever.

THEY LAUGH

Right, silence test is completed.

Silence in that game was like an oasis in the desert.

Very hard to find.

The silence test, there, I'm going to be honest with you,

it wasn't very good, was it?

I heard giggling from every single one of you.

It was really hard because...

I know, but the point is to be silent. Now, it's not up to me.

It's not up to me, it's up to Mr Gross, the deputy headmaster,

to decide whether or not you've passed the class.

Attention, attention! This is your deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

Anton and Aran, that was a marked improvement

in the fact that you weren't screaming constantly.

THEY LAUGH

Hassan and Sunesh?

I welcome your efforts at shushing your team-mates.

Sadly, this made more noise than they did.

Class...

Now, I'm no fortune teller,

but I think I know which way this is going.

..failed!

THEY BOO

Well, now. I've heard enough. Never mind, get out. Get out.

-THEY BOO

-Very noisy. Noisy.

It's not fair, man. We failed!

Me and Aran had a weeny bit of an improvement

because we weren't screaming.

Our tactics are to collaborate, and we need to look at each other

and, like, give signals to each other to be quiet.

We've had two games now and I think we've had quite a lot of practice

and next time we can...pass.

Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

And in one fell swoop, I'd proved ghosts were real.

Bang!

Judy?

I love you.

Well, this is awkward.

Poor Hammy. Halfway through the day and it's time for Class 3.

From standing ovations to endless encores,

Mr Prance has dreamt of them all,

but can our noisy pupils win their first prize in his class?

Walk, walk.

-Come in.

-All right, Mr Prance?

-Sit down.

-Oh, I'm so dramatic. I'm meditating.

-Sit down.

Hi, Mr Pants.

Now, as you know, I am Mr Prance, teacher of the performing arts.

-Mr Pants!

-Mr Prance.

-No, Pants!

This is a theatre of silence.

-Do you think you can actually pass this test?

-Yep.

You've not done well. Who's been to blame? Who's been the noisiest?

Really?

Hmm, we shall see.

-Now it's time for my silence test.

-SNAPS FINGERS

Mm-hm!

As a performance in the world of theatre,

you have to be prepared for any kind of audience.

Sometimes an audience may come along

and they'll show their dislike of you by hurling abuse.

In this case, it will be these rotten tomatoes.

It is your task today to protect not only yourself,

but your fellow cast members.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

We're going to start off with Hassan.

Please get into the square.

All wigged up and nowhere to go,

the pupils must take it in turns to silently bat away

the rotten tomatoes that Mr Prance lobs at them.

Action! Protect your team.

Oh, let's see that again.

Hassan with a great overhead smash, there,

and spraying his team-mates.

A tongue-loosening tomato shower.

THEY GIGGLE

The team serving up everything but silence.

The racket will be rocking the Gobstop 3000.

Ha! RACQUET! Do you get it? Next, it's Anton.

-Lobs...

-HE LAUGHS

..and laughs, and the countdown starts.

It's great technique, but the team just can't keep quiet.

Aran's up.

And look at that tremendous tomato smash.

Sunesh looking fab in his purple wig.

(Come back. Come round.)

Loud whispers troubling Mr Gross,

as back in class, Sunesh stylishly swings.

Oh, look at that. Centre court stuff.

The silence test is now complete.

Ooh, have the lovely-haired Londoners

done enough to bank a prize?

Well.

After that last task, I can say,

I have never in my entire life been subjected to so much noise.

But then again, it's not up to me.

Attention, attention! This is the deputy headmaster, Mr Gross.

Sunesh, you are a silent star.

Aran, your efforts to shush your team-mates are commendable,

but they are noisy.

Sh!

Anton, you talk constantly. It has to stop.

(Come back. Come round.)

Class...

Can they win their first prize this late in the day?

..failed!

THEY BOO

Attention, attention.

All children report to Miss Gobstop's office at once!

Good luck with your final test.

Fly, my pretties, fly!

After that performance,

the pupils are off to deputy headmaster Mr Gross

to get their report before the final exam.

Come in, come in!

-Proud to be loud!

-Come in and shut the door behind you.

Now, you were sent to this school because you were so noisy.

Now, we've put you through some of the toughest silent testing there is,

but how do you think you've done?

-Sick.

-I don't know what that means.

-It means good.

Good, OK, well, let me tell you how you've done. Hassan.

Good intentions, but you must learn to shush without making any noise.

HE GIGGLES

Aran, you are a giggler and a screamer.

SHE SCREAMS

Sunesh, you've managed to keep it pretty zipped throughout.

Anton, you have gone from constantly screaming...

HE SCREAMS

..to constantly talking.

(Come back. Come round.)

Of the three classes you've taken part in,

you have passed none of them,

which means you've got zero prizes,

but IF you remain silent

in your final exam in the science lab,

you could still be in with a chance

of going home with the coveted Golden Gobstopper.

If you want to pass your final exam,

-try keeping it zipped.

-Zip.

-OK, get out.

-No. So what?

-Off you go to your final exam.

-I'm going to slam it.

-OK.

-Proud to be loud! Proud to be loud!

They...will never do it.

It's crunch time - the final exam, with The Professor.

His fiendish experiments and dastardly inventions

are all that's standing between our new pupils and graduation.

Surely this time.

Ah, hello, children, and velcome to your final examination.

I am the professor and today,

with the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut... "Jawohl!"

..and all the latest in the silent science,

ve will be experimenting on you

to see if you have learned the silence, ja?

For two minutes, we will pit you against the power

of my silent laboratory, but if you make three of ze bad, bad noises,

you will be expelled.

But, if you graduate, you vill win, and win the Golden Gobstopper.

But this will not happen.

Herr Gross has told me you are the noisiest children.

I think you will fail. Are you ready to commence the final examination?

-Yes.

-Well, we shall begin.

In drei...zwei...eins!

THUNDERCLAP

HE CACKLES

-HE CHOKES

-He's crazy.

The professor will do his level best to keep this team of screamers

away from that Golden Gobstopper.

He'll think it's going to be a doddle.

They have been the noisiest team ever,

but can they pull it out of the bag in the final exam?

Aran's first.

Ah, we will go with this one.

It is Martian brain cake. If you get very close to it,

you can hear its mind. Can you hear it?

Can you hear it? Nothing? What about NOW?

Can you hear it now, huh? Can you hear it now?

Anything?

She's kept it buttoned, but the boys are giggling.

"I can read your mind. You're annoyed."

"You want to marry Anton, that is what I read in your mind!"

Right, we go over to number two.

Can Anton keep quiet?

You. You, there.

The giggling one. Let us see.

Anton, this is Helmut.

He is the stare-out champion of the whole of Germany.

You can stare him out, look.

Stare into his eyes. "Look at me in the...

"He is not looking at me. Ah..." What is wrong?

"Ah... I'm going to sneeze!" You're going to sneeze? "Ah... Bleurgh!"

How was that? Oh, yeah.

Look at that! Oh, how bad. Don't worry...

Oh, dear. A few forced giggle slips, there.

Sunesh next, braced for the worst.

I have here my invisible paint.

It works very, very well.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Let us see how it goes, huh?

Let us see my invisible paint... Ha!

-Oh, it works! Success! Success!

-HE CACKLES

We try again, we try again!

Ha! Look it's...

-THEY LAUGH WHEEZILY

-You broke it!

"You broke it! Look at that!"

Sunesh suffering in silence. It may be play paint,

but don't try this at home. Hassan's up next.

"Oh, you're in for it now. Look at you shake, little pigeon.

"Tweet, tweet, ha-ha-ha!"

We have Mr Gross's smelliest sock.

THE PROFESSOR LAUGHS

Are you ready? Are you ready?

How bad is it? Is it very bad? Oh, is it really bad?

What if I put it over here as a little hat?

Hassan holding strong and keeping shtoom.

Perhaps a little scarf on your school tie, huh?

Glorious silence against the hum of Gross's foot-warmer,

but is it all too late for a Gobstopper graduation?

I don't think it's so bad. What about you?

HELMUT SNIFFS

-HE RETCHES

-What's wrong?

What's wrong, are you going to be sick?

HE VOMITS

-HASSAN SCREAMS

-Instant screams from the slime-down.

Sock-conquering Hassan with no defence at all.

I'm so sorry, I forgot the machine was set on to teleporter.

It's this one, I think.

THEY SCREAM AND GIGGLE

Oh, we are so sorry. It is...this one.

It's definitely this one. Oh, no, no. It's this one.

-It's this one.

-THEY GIGGLE

20 seconds to go and The Professor is showing no mercy.

THEY SCREAM

Years of mind-bending calculations paying off in slime and screams.

I promise, I'll get you all cleaned up

for your Final Examination. Oh, my...

Argh, right! That is it, that is it!

Final Examination is over.

-Your time is up.

-Have the London loud-hailers done enough to pass?

Um, let me guess.

Well, how do you think you did?

Did you squeak? Did you squawk during the Final Examination?

I think you did. If it was up to me and Herr Helmut,

you would fail and leave the School Of Silence with nothing.

"Ha! Nothing!" But it is not up to me.

Only Herr Gross can give you your final marks.

-"Now you'll be sorry."

-THE PROFESSOR LAUGHS

-Ah, Herr Gross.

-Without any hair.

-Hello.

Well.

This trophy...

..is going nowhere! You failed completely.

Probably the noisiest in the school's history,

a remarkable performance.

Where did it all go wrong? Where do we start?

Yells from Hassan, screams from Aran, giggles from Anton

and tittering from Sunesh.

They set off the Gobstop 3000 so many times, it almost exploded.

And so, these pupils are being expelled.

THEY HOLLER AND BOO You are expelled!

THE KIDS JEER AND YELL

Proud to be loud! Proud to be loud! Proud to be loud!