Episode 9 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence,

where the noisiest children in the country are sent

-to prove they CAN keep quiet.

-SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

We are about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Ooh, I doubt it!

Shh!

Shh!

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHEER

Shh!

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent.

Followed by the crucial final exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

HE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

..they will get nothing.

And I WILL know about it, thanks to this device -

the Gobstop 3000,

the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep THAT shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them,

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

Ssshhh!

Today's crazy shouters are from Cardiff.

They're getting all the noise out of their systems

in front of headmistress Miss Gobstop

and form tutor Mr Gross.

These boisterous boys are seriously going to struggle.

They'll need to keep it shut

to have any chance of going home with a prize.

You, step forward. Name?

CAYLUM!

I heard that.

Caylum's claim to fame is that he can put his tongue up his nose.

Hmm, nice(!) Well, if he can also stick a sock in his mouth

he could be on to a winner today.

You, step forward. Name?

ADAM!

Adam N is scared of dogs,

but luckily, his fantastic impression of a lion's roar

keeps them all away.

You, step forward! Name?

HUSAIN!

Husain can make weird noises with his mouth

and wants to be a dentist

to make weird noises in other people's mouths.

-You, step forward! Name?

-ADAM!

Adam L says that apart from shrieking very loudly

he also likes squirting water at people.

Maybe when he's older he can get a job as a fire engine.

Get them out, quickly!

THEY SCREAM

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson is General Studies with Mr Gross.

This revolting teacher

picks the most disgusting tests for his pupils.

So what awaits the Cardiff boys in their first silent test?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in! Come in!

THEY SHOUT Quietly!

-Sit down please.

-OK!

-OK!

-Now, you've just interrupted me,

because I was about to have a lovely banana.

Ah...

Eugh!

-It's a little bit mouldy. I think it...

-Just a little bit? Oh!

THEY LAUGH AND SCREAM

-Right...

-There's a folder with nothing in there.

This is filled with all the good reports that you've had...

None!

Now, listen,

I am Mr Gross, your General Studies teacher

and you are here because you are noisy and naughty

and you're going to try to prove you can be silent,

which I don't think you can do.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on your fluffy microphones.

Do you think you can be silent? ALL SHOUT: Yeah!

Excellent! Right...

I think you're about ready for your first silent test.

Now, I don't have a lot of friends

who are people,

but I do have more friends than anyone else,

because my friends are insects.

And there are literally trillions of them.

Ooh, I nearly forgot,

the appropriate attire...

Now doesn't that look splendid?

You look like a lady.

That's not the answer I was looking for.

Right, stand in your position.

Your silence test starts...

now!

So, for this game,

our two seated victims must each face two boxes of creepy-crawlies

in total silence.

And the boys watching on the sidelines must also keep quiet.

Oh, box number one is meal worms.

First up is Caylum.

They might be mealworms,

but I don't think he fancies them for his dinner!

Look at the reactions from Adam N and Husain!

They're going to struggle to keep quiet.

Who's wriggling more, the worms or the boys?

HUSAIN GIGGLES

Oh, but what's that?

-A giggle from Husain maybe. I think Miss Gobstop heard it.

-Shh!

What's in the next box of surprises for Adam L?

It's maggots.

Ooh, look at them wriggle in delight!

Lovely!

Adam L's clearly not enjoying it,

but he's managing to keep quiet - impressive.

Keep up that form and they're sure to bank a prize.

It's box number three. What's Caylum got to handle this time?

Whatever it is, Husain and Adam N don't like it.

It's beetles, all fresh and crispy!

Caylum's reaction says it all!

(Close your eyes, close your eyes.)

HE GIGGLES

Oh, dear, muffled noises from Husain

and Miss Gobstop heard that one.

There we go, they're very nice.

And the final box for Adam L.

These are my personal favourites.

THEY SQUEAL

Oh, that was squealing from someone.

That's not going to help them pass.

Crunchy crickets now.

How will Adam L react?

He's still keeping quiet.

Could he have helped them to their first prize?

Your silence test is over!

-THEY SCREAM AND CHEER

-Time for the results.

Have the team banked a prize on the road to the Golden Gobstopper?

So, even though insects are very friendly,

they're also quite dirty.

So do remember to wash your hands afterwards, OK?

How do you think you did?

I'm sure I heard somebody giggling and squealing, but who was it?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

To hear the results from my illustrious headmistress,

the wonderful Miss Gobstop.

'Attention, attention!'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Caylum and Adam L,

'you both tried very, very hard to contain your fear.

'Well done.

'Husain and Adam N,

'you made more noise than your team-mates.'

THEY SQUEAL

'But was your fear louder than your silence?'

Class...

Here come the results. Will the day start with a pass or a fail?

Failed!

ALL: What?!

What a shame!

That'll teach you to value your team-work. Get out of my class!

You learn to be silent? Never.

Get out, come on!

He's so rude! Hate that man.

Um, we failed.

-Bite your bottom lip, like we said.

-I can't undo it now.

I was biting my bottom lip, my tongue, my hand!

The next time we'll win!

ALL: Yeah!

'Attention, attention. This is the School Of Silence.'

We'll be running tests for the new school emergency bell.

SILENCE

SILENCE CONTINUES

Testing is now over.

Thank you.

It's time for class two - geography with Miss Adventure.

Before joining the School Of Silence,

she travelled over the hills and far away.

Then she came back.

Have our pupils come close

to banking their first prize in her class?

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in, come in, young roamers.

ALL: YEAH!

Take a seat, take a seat. My word.

Welcome to my class. Now, I have an amazing silence test for you

and I think it's going to defeat you.

It's going to defeat you. It's going to defeat you.

It's going to defeat you.

Going to defeat you... in a dance off.

Right, move back a little bit. I warn you,

I won the Butlins dance-off competition in 1974.

Ready? You go first and then I'll follow. Go!

What?

I'm going to bring it down. Down town, right.

BOYS LAUGH

Right, sit down there, Adam N. I think you'll find that I won.

So...are you going to pass my silence test?

ALL: Yes!

Well, we shall see about that because...

Yes, we should, Miss.

..because it is time for my silence test.

Every explorer needs to be able to play bottumo,

which is, of course, bottom sumo.

You will each step into the ring

using only your bottom to force my bottumo champion

out of the ring.

Now, all the way from Paris, France, bottumo champion

Francoise.

So, how will our team get on against the big bottumo from Paris?

Remember, each contestant must try and stay in the ring

while they and the rest of the team stay silent.

Shh!

First into the ring is Adam N.

Your silence test will commence in five,

four, three, two, one, bottumo!

Oh, he's certainly got the moves...

CHUCKLES

..but is that chuckling from the other pupils?

Miss Gobstop will know.

And Caylum trying to hush the rest of the team, there.

Oh, Adam N's out. His team-mates aren't happy,

but it's a silent protest.

Bottumo!

Next up is Husain. Quietly confident there, but can he

keep it up and help the team bank their first prize?

Still no noise. Remarkable.

He's lost the bout, but he's won the silence.

Bottumo!

Next up is Adam L.

He's floored the big Frenchman!

That's clapping, Caylum,

I don't think Miss Gobstop will applaud that.

The boys need to keep silent inside and outside the ring.

Bottumo!

The final bottumo bout and it's Caylum's turn.

But is the whole team keeping quiet enough to get their first pass?

So, no luck for Caylum there, but did his classmates keep quiet?

And your silence test is over!

ALL CHEER

Here comes the result. Will it be pass or fail?

So, your silence test is over. Caylum, how do you think you did?

-I think we did pretty well.

-Pretty well, right.

-Adam N?

-Fantastico.

-Fantastico - good word.

Well, listen, it's not up to me, it's not up to you,

it's up to Miss Gobstop. So let's find out

how she thought you did.

'Attention, attention.'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Now, you were all very confident in the beginning,

'but only one of you beat the bottumo champion.

'Nice style, Adam L.

'A few of your team-mates made a lot of giggly whispering.'

GIGGLES

'Not the sound of silence champions,

'but was your noise bigger than your bottoms?'

Class...

Is it going to be the pupils' first banked prize?

..passed.

Nice one!

THEY CHEER

Unbelievable. Right, get out, class. Out you go.

Go on!

Out you get.

Sumo champ!

Adam Lewis won!

he beat the champion bottumo!

I think we might pass cos I'm really confident.

Only one more task to go, maybe we can achieve.

Then we're going to dominate the next class.

THEY CHEER

Meanwhile, over at the school's hamster cage...

Six day, 14 hours. Quite unbelievable, Judy.

Only ten seconds before you break the world record

for staying totally silent.

Five, four,

three...

JUDY PASSES GAS

-SIGHS

-That's blown it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the school's performing arts teacher, Mr Les Prance.

His granny says he can act, sing and dance,

but then, what does she know?

With one pass and one fail already,

how are our pupils going to get on in this class?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in, sit down.

ALL: We have arrived!

Thank you. Sit down, sit down.

SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT Now, howdy there, boys.

How you doing?

I'm Tex Mex, ha-ha...

HIGH PITCHED VOICE and I am Miss Daisy.

Good for you to join us here at the Silent Saloon.

We are going to have some fun, right now.

That's right! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And...scene. Thank you.

Thank you very much. That was a clip

from my new film The Bearded Twins.

As you know, I am Les Prance,

you performance arts teacher.

I will be testing you to prove

that you cannot remain silent. Now, you've had

two classes so far. How've they gone?

One, OK and one, fantastic.

How do you think you'll do in my class?

Fantastico!

Well, as you know, Miss Gobstop will be listening to every sound you make

and at the end of the test, she will decide

-whether you have passed or whether you have failed.

-Failed.

I personally don't think you have a hope.

You think you can actually pass my class?

-YES!

-We'll see.

And it's time for my silence test.

As a performer, it's very important that you remain in peak

physical perfection.

In pairs, tied at the ankle, you must copy

my specially designed exercise routine.

But it must be carried out in complete, utter silence.

My silence test has...begun.

This three-part test is designed to keep the boys fighting fit,

but can they also keep silent? First up, a bit of stretching.

Oh, Adam N is already struggling to stifle the chuckles.

Now he's snorting!

Caylum's trying to shut him up,

but was it too late for Miss Gobstop's ears?

Part two is skipping with nice pink ropes.

Yes, the boys are impressed by Mr Prances moves.

The two Adams are losing it again.

With 30 seconds left, the third and final challenge

is the fitness balls.

GIGGLING

The boys are losing it.

Has Mr Prance broken them?

GIGGLING

And they're making noise all over the place now.

Your silence test is complete. Cut!

THEY CHEER

Wait! Wait!

So, the test today was to do whatever I did

and also remain silent and I think you failed on both counts. However...

Miss Gobstop has been listening and she will give you the results.

Attention, attention.

This is Miss Gobstop.

The Gobstop 3000 has spoken.

Caylum, you did quite well...

trying to tame your team-mates.

But unfortunately, Adam L and Adam N -

noisy, noisy boys.

HE GRUNTS

HE GIGGLES But were you quiet enough...class?

-And what's it going to be - prize or no prize?

-Hey.

Failed!

-Yes!

-Oh! We'll be back!

-We WILL be back.

-You'll be back. One moment.

Allow me to gloat for a while.

-IMITATING MR PRANCE:

-Allow me to gloat.

-Ah!

Could the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Out you go.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye-bye!

-Au revoir. Yes, take care.

-MR PRANCE LAUGHS

-Oh, I'm so wond...

Did I say "come in"? Knock.

So, with the classes now complete,

-it's time for the pupils to face Miss Gobstop...

-Come in.

..and get their reports before the final exam.

So, you were sent here and we've put you through silent tests.

Shall we see how your report is? Adam N...

you started as a squealy piggy.

HE SQUEAKS

But you don't show any signs of improvement.

Caylum, you seem to be trying hard to stay silent.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

-Husain.

-Yes, that is my name.

-You're a little back-chatter.

-Ooh, very foxy.

During the physical tests, you managed to stay the most silent.

Adam L, an impressive start.

Sadly, in Mr Prance's class I heard some noise.

So, how many classes did you pass?

One!

-That means you have one prize from the Confiscation Cupboard.

-One prize!

Before you receive your prizes,

you have to pass the final exam

in the science lab, with the Professor.

IF you graduate,

you'll also receive the ultimate reward of the Golden Gobstopper.

If, however, you set off my Gobstop 3000

-three times or more...

-Three?!

-..you will be expelled

and go home with absolutely nothing.

Now get out and go to the science lab.

-OK!

-THEY SCREAM

It's time for the Final Exam with the Professor.

The fiendish tests he carries out in his dastardly lab

are all that's standing between our boys from Cardiff

and their prizes.

GERMAN ACCENT: Well, my little noise wizards,

welcome to the laboratory. I am the Professor,

and today, with the help of my assistant, Herr Helmut...

"I am Godzilla! You are Japan!"

Get off, you fool!

What will happen today is I will pit you against the power

of the Silent Laboratory and some of my greatest experiments.

However, if you make three of the bad, bad noises,

you will fail. You will eat the failure sandwich

and wash it down with a glass of silence. "Oh! He touched me!"

Don't interact with the children! "Ha! I catch you in the playground!"

-IMITATING HIM:

-In the playground!

-In the unlikely event

you manage to keep it quiet... "Ha!"

-..you will graduate...

-You will graduate!

..and you will win all of Fraulein Gobstopper's amazing prizes

and the elusive Golden Gobstopper. But this will not happen.

According to the other teachers,

you are noisier than a sheep on a waltzer.

-Are you ready? Do you think you can win?

-Yeah.

-Probably.

-The Professor is determined

to keep the Golden Gobstopper out of their hands.

-Do your worst, Professor!

-We shall begin in drei, zwei,

eins! THUNDER ROLLS

HE CACKLES

"I want to eat the children." No children-eating!

Let us see. I think it should be you first.

First up is Husain.

It is the singing chicken. What's that? You're not feeling well?

You think you're going to be sick? You can't be sick in the laboratory.

-Oh!

-Oh, dear. Husain's kept quiet,

but the Professor's forced chuckles from Adam L.

Did it register on the Gobstop 3000, though?

"How unfortunate(!)"

OK, what do we have next? It is my animal pie.

Oh, I make it with very special ingredients, like pigs' snot

and panda doo-doo and weasel milk and pigeon juice.

And Adam L is next.

Perhaps you'd like to smell it close? No, no? You don't want to?

-What about...?

-Aw!

Oh, I think that was a groan, there. Could that be a strike

on the Gobstop 3000? Remember, three strikes and they're out.

For you, my latest and greatest invention.

-Now it's Adam N's turn.

-The colour-playing flute.

It makes lots of beautiful colours whenever I play it.

Sorry, it's not working. Let's try again.

There seems to be something stuck in the end.

Total silence. Adam ignores the Silly String,

but I don't think the Professor is finished with him yet.

I know why you didn't hear it! We forgot to put your headphones on.

-Pie-tastic!

-Can you hear it now?

-"I doubt you can hear much!"

-No, he's a TRIFLE deaf!

For you, I think, something very, very special.

Just Caylum left.

It is the silent shield.

It would shield you from anything bad dropping on your head.

Are you ready? Here we go. Drei, zwei,

eins!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I had it up the wrong way.

I'm so sorry about that. We'll try again. Are you ready?

Eins, zwei, drei!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This isn't my silent shield after all.

This is actually the gunging shield.

Never mind. We have one over here. This is my clean machine.

It will clean you all up. We go now!

-Em.

-Was that yet another outburst from Adam L?

-It's the final 20 seconds.

-More power!

And the Professor is chucking everything at them.

Can they keep quiet under his attack?

Thank goodness. I think the machine is finally empty.

That must be it.

The Professor determined to break them.

Your time is up.

The final examination is over!

-ALL:

-Yes!

How do you think you did in your final examination,

-my little sniggering sheep? Do you think you passed?

-Yeah.

I'm guessing.

If it was up to me and Helmut, you would... "Fail, fail, fail!"

-Fail, fail, fail!

-THE PROFESSOR GASPS

"That's the one that wants to eat me."

I think we should eat you. "You eat me, I eat you!"

Get off, you fool!

But it is not up to me. It is up to the beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper

to see if you will graduate or if you will be expelled. Let's find out.

-Fraulein Gobstopper.

-The boys have failed two classes and passed one,

so with a prize and the Golden Gobstopper at stake

will they pass the final exam and graduate?

Meine head teacher, how did the guinea pigs do?

MISS GOBSTOP: Well, I didn't have to listen that hard.

I heard noises. I heard gasps.

But what did the Gobstop 3000 say?

You...will...

..be expelled!

TEACHERS JEER

High-fives!

Disaster! Our boisterous boys from Cardiff

have lost all their prizes and the Golden Gobstopper

and been expelled. Dear me!

So, just how did that happen?

Well, the previously quiet Adam L couldn't keep his chuckles in

-at the Professor's singing chicken.

-Oh!

-There was a groan when he was pied.

-Aw!

-And a "phwoa" during the gunging.

-Phwoa!

And with that meaning three strikes on the Gobstop 3000,

they are expelled and go home empty-handed.

Now it gives me great pleasure

to throw you out of my school.

Now get out now!

Get away with you. Keep it moving. BOYS SHOUT

On you go. Out of here!

THEY SHOUT

SHOUTING DROWNED BY THEME TUNE