Episode 8 School of Silence

Welcome to the School of Silence,

where the noisiest children are sent to prove they CAN keep quiet.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Ooh, I doubt it.

Ssh!

Ssh!

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHEER

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes,

to prove they can be silent, followed by the crucial Final Exam,

which will determine whether they graduate, or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class,

then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they're being too noisy...

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

SHE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

..they will get nothing.

And I WILL know about it, thanks to this device -

the Gobstop 3000.

The very latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward - the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

These screaming students are from Glasgow and Edinburgh,

and it looks like their noise levels are off the scale.

It's a real headache for head teacher Miss Gobstop

and form tutor Mr Gross.

You, come forward! Name!

Ross!

Ross dreams of speaking in a squeaky voice all day long.

Ross, mission accomplished!

You! Name!

Jodie!

Jodie loves to sing

and would do so all day long if she could.

Thankfully, she can't.

You, come forward! Name!

Josh!

Josh once played his trombone so loudly that he woke a sleeping baby.

Funnily enough, he's never been asked to babysit again.

You, come forward! Name!

Rachel!

Rachel loves the sound of loud laughter,

which is lucky because she once fell over in school assembly

in front of the entire school. Ha ha ha!

OK, OK, get them out, get out!

THEY SCREAM MORE LOUDLY

It's time for their first class - general studies with Mr Gross.

This rancid teacher has two rotten tests for our new pupils.

But will they come up smelling of roses and bank a prize?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, come in, come in!

Hello. Sit down.

You call this a classroom? It's more like dog's do-do.

Don't slam the door!

You interrupted me peeling my toenails. Look.

-ALL:

-Ew!

Look, I'm building up a nice pile of them.

THEY SCREAM

Look!

Well, look, I tell you what...

Smell them, they smell lovely and cheesy.

Anyway, I'm Mr Gross...

-Yes, we know.

-..your general studies teacher.

OK.

And you are here in the School of Silence

to prove that you can be silent.

If you're not silent, remember, Miss Gobstop is listening, Ross,

on that little microphone.

-Hello, Mrs Gobstopper!

-And on here.

Hi!

And if you're too noisy, she'll know about it.

I think it's time for your first silent test.

Now, this test is all about plumbing.

It's very important to have a trade in later life,

and this is a good one. But only if you can do it silently.

Now, these are from the school plumbing system,

and are unfortunately blocked with some mystery liquid.

OK, plumbing fans, it's pipe time.

In this test, the pupils must unlock three pipes

using nothing but the awesome power of their lungs.

The pupil that blows the hardest releases the water

and their mate gets an early bath.

Pipe number one. It's Jodie versus Ross.

In three, two, one, plumb!

Remember, don't try this at home. Oh, this is incredibly close.

I think we've got a winner.

Silent celebration - Miss Gobstop's favourite.

Next, it's pipe number two, Rachel versus Josh.

SHE GIGGLES

Rachel's giggling already. Big mistake!

WHISPERS: Don't, don't do...

He has to do it, Rachel. It's his job.

Ross and Jodie don't look happy.

Will Rachel's giggle fit deny them their first prize?

Three, two, one, plumb.

SHE LAUGHS

Rachel's thrown a spanner in the works of silence

and Miss Gobstop's feeling the aftershock.

It's the third and final pipe, and it's Josh and Ross again.

Can Rachel keep it together?

(Three, two, one.)

JOSH SPLUTTERS

RACHEL GIGGLES

No, Rachel's totally lost it. She's a real giggle monster.

Ross has won it, but will his manful pipework be in vain?

And your silence test is over.

ALL: YEA-A-A-AH!

Can they do better in the second test?

It's time for another silent test.

Right!

This silent test is all about babysitting.

You need to look after the babies and do it quietly.

It's time to meet my little babies!

Come on in, Nursey.

Awww!

THEY LAUGH

-Really stupid!

-Aren't they beautiful?

Your silent test starts...

now!

So the team have to look after a mini Mr Gross,

but they don't know that the dolls trump and wet themselves.

-Hmm, how will they cope?

-Awww.

So, Rachel gets the first baby Gross.

DOLL FARTS

A guff from baby, but not a peep from Rachel.

That was a definite improvement. Miss Gobstop will be relieved.

Whilst Jodie takes care of the first doll,

Mr Gross hands Rachel another.

But does it do more than just let out rotten rips?

(Coochie-coochie-coo.)

Ooh, yeah, it does!

Mini Gross has a little accident,

but Rachel strains to keep the giggles from coming out.

Maybe they'll bank a prize after all!

MUFFLED GIGGLING

There's a lot of muffled giggling going on here.

Here's the final doll, and it goes to Ross,

but can he keep the noise down?

(Coochie-coo. Coochie-coo.)

MUFFLED GIGGLING

ROSS SHRIEKS

Will that last shriek cost them the chance of a prize?

Your silence test...

is over!

THEY SCREAM

So, how do you think you did?

-Brilliant!

-Fantastic!

Do you really think you did fantastically?

KIDS SHOUT: Yes-s-s!

Fortunately, it doesn't matter what you think or even what

I think or what Nursey thinks.

The only person whose opinion matters

is the illustrious headmistress, Miss Gobstop.

'Attention, attention!'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Rachel.

'Little Miss Laugh-a-lot.'

RACHEL GIGGLES

'Josh, you did so well as a silent plumber.'

'Ross, I heard your whispers with the mini-mes.'

Oh, that is gross!

Ugh!

-DOLL FARTS

-That's gross as gross can be!

'Jodie, if only your teammates were as quiet as you.'

DOLL FARTS

Class...

Did they blow the prize in the pipe pandemonium,

or were they hush-a-bye-baby enough to pass?

'..failed!'

ALL: NO-O-O-O!

-Get out of my classroom!

-Fine!

Come on, clear off!

Aww, we failed!

It PEED on me!

It peed on ME!

Next time, our tactic is we're going to bite our tongues to be...

(quiet!)

'Attention, attention. This is the School of Silence.'

A pupil has left something quite foul in the toilets.

The disgusting thing is brown, smells appalling,

and is making me feel quite sick!

-HE GASPS

-I am not brown!

I'm more, um, well, butterscotch!

Time for the second class - geography, with Miss Adventure.

This small but beautifully formed globetrotter can pack

a giant punch with her tests,

but can our pupils bank their first prize of the day?

Come in, young explorers!

Let me get the door for you. Come in.

-There we go.

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi!

-'Welcome, class. Take a seat.'

I was just finishing off a little project here.

I'm circumnavigating the globe, Rachel.

Welcome. I am Miss Adventure, geography teacher. How are we all?

THEY SHOUT

-Do you think you can pass my silence test?

-ALL:

-Yes!

You're very naughty, aren't you?

Miss Gobstop's listening to the microphones.

If you're quiet, you might win a prize.

If you're noisy, you'll win nothing.

-One more time, can you pass my silence test?

-ALL:

-Yes!

Well, let's find out. It's time for my silence test.

We're going to see which one of you is the luckiest.

You're going to pull out one of these pegs.

If there's red on the bottom, you get a custard pie in the face.

Remember, you must do this in complete silence.

Four custard pies on offer. But who will get the first one? Pegs away.

Your silence test commences in five, four, three, two, one.

Lucky start for Rachel, the pie of fate on her side.

Will Jodie be equally blessed?

Oh! No.

SHE GIGGLES

Rachel lets out a delighted chuckle. Oh, dear.

Rachel's going for two lucky pegs in a row.

She thanks her lucky stars.

Can she maintain this silence and help secure that prize?

Ross's first pull.

Silent satisfaction his reward.

Rachel still lucky and, most importantly, silent.

Ross goes for it.

Ooh, second time unlucky!

Let's replay that.

The swish of the pie and the splat on the face. Ooh, unlucky, Ross.

Is it pie time? No!

Superb silence.

Josh is next to try his luck with his first peg.

Quiet confidence. I know someone who'll love that.

SHE CHUCKLES

Finally! Rachel's pie-free streak ends.

But has the goo muffled the giggling?

Let's see whether Josh is as lucky as Rachel.

No, he's not.

SHE CHUCKLES

Whoops. Rachel undoing all her good work.

A replay, monsieur.

Bosh. That's what aficionados call pie-mageddon.

Your silence test is over.

THEY CHEER

Your silence test is over. Let's see how you did.

-Rachel, you were very lucky. Do you think you were quiet enough?

-Yes.

It doesn't matter what we think. It's what Miss Gobstop thinks.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

I thought you had all learned your silent lesson, starting off so well.

Hardly a peep.

But unfortunately, with chitter-chatter and giggles,

somebody let your team down.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS

Class...

So did the team pass this test and bag that all-important first prize?

..failed!

-No!

-Yes, yes, yes!

Oh!

What a shame. Never mind.

I've had enough of you. Get out of my class.

THEY SHOUT AT HER

For goodness' sake. You're so noisy. Out you go.

Out you go.

It's not fair. We lost because of one person.

SO WE'RE GOING TO CREAM THE NEXT CLASS!

THEY SHOUT AND CHEER

Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

And that, Judy, is how I became the king of the monkey people. Bang!

Judy, can you keep a secret?

Stupid question. HE CHUCKLES

Bang!

It's halfway through the day and time for class three

with Mr Les Prance, teacher of the performing arts.

Can Mr Prance make them dance to his silent tunes?

With two failures, can our pupils secure their first prize of the day?

Come in. Take a seat.

-Mr Prince, we've arrived.

-Thank you. Take a seat.

Good morning, Mr Prance.

-Mr Prance, prepare to be amazed.

-Shhh, shhh.

Just sleep it off. Ah!

Hello. I am Mr Les Prance, your performance arts teacher.

I will be testing you to prove that you cannot remain quiet.

-Think you can pass my class?

-Yes.

Really? We'll see, because my silence test is about to begin.

This is a test of your make-up skill.

In teams you will make each other up to be the lead characters

from my new romantic comedy Scarecrow And The Ladybird.

As always, this must be carried out in complete silence.

Josh will be the scarecrow and Ross will be the ladybird.

Positions, please. Your silence test begins

in three, two, one... Action!

Rachel and Jodie must apply the make-up

while standing behind Ross and Josh. This could be messy.

First the base layer. Silence from Josh.

-GIGGLING

-Hang on, who's giggling?

WHISPERING

GIGGLING

If Rachel keeps this up, they'll win nothing.

Now for the fine detail.

THEY GIGGLE

It must be contagious. Ross joins in with the giggling.

GIGGLING

Exemplary silence from Jodie and Josh

in this technically taxing application of cosmetics.

GIGGLING

And finally it's accessories time.

LAUGHTER

-Ow!

-SHE GIGGLES

Can Rachel do anything without giggling?

The scarecrow doing what they do best,

looking odd and saying nothing.

Miss Gobstop approves.

The pupils' make-up and costumes are complete.

The last time I checked, clapping wasn't silent.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the noisiest of them all?

THEY LAUGH

Spot on, Ross.

THEY STIFLE LAUGHTER

Put it on. Am I still on red?

The last few seconds and they've forgotten about silence completely.

Your silence test is now complete.

THEY CHEER

I heard quite a bit of chatter but then it's not for me to decide.

Miss Gobstop has been listening to this test

and she will let you know how you fared.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

A scarecrow and a ladybird,

but were the make-up artists' brush strokes too loud?

Or was it the talking or the giggles?

THEY LAUGH

SHE CHUCKLES

THEY LAUGH

Put it on.

Class...

Have they finally won a prize or has Rachel let the side down again?

-..failed!

-Yes!

THEY GROAN

-That's not fair.

-Very fair.

At least we've got the last test. We might win that.

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Thank you. Au revoir. Goodbye.

With classes complete, the pupils see Miss Gobstop

to get their report before the Final Exam.

Enter.

You've been sent here because you're too noisy.

Shall we take a look at your report? Ross.

There were whispers from you in Mr Gross's class.

Gross as gross can be!

Oh, that is gross! Yuck.

But you have improved.

Jodie, out of all your team, I hear noises from you the least.

DOLL FARTS

SHE STIFLES A LAUGH

Josh, a silent plumber.

I give credit where credit is due, Josh.

RACHEL LAUGHS

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.

There hasn't been one class where you managed to keep your mouth shut.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE GIGGLES

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS

So unfortunately the rest of your team have won no prizes, nothing.

If you'd like to pass the Final Exam, you'll have to keep that shut.

If you manage to keep your mouth shut, you not only will graduate

but you will receive the ultimate reward of the Golden Gobstopper.

That's right.

Off we go to the science lab.

You've got to zip it to win it. Go.

Bye!

THEY SHOUT

It's time for the Final Exam with The Professor.

His wicked gizmos and diabolical gadgets have one purpose,

to stop the new pupils from graduating.

Ah, hello, my little chaos caterpillars,

and velcome to the laboratory for your final examination.

I am The Professor. With my assistant, Herr Helmut...

'Silence, Ninja!'

Get off!

What we will do today, for your final examination,

we vill pit you against the Silent Laboratory.

If you make three of the bad, bad noises you will be expelled.

But if you manage to make the quiet then you will graduate

and you vill vin the Golden Gobstopper.

But this vill not happen. Ve vill commence in

drei, zwei,

eins!

LIGHTNING CRASHES EVIL CACKLE

Quiet, you fool.

Right, who do we have first? First of all it is...you.

He has devoted his life to crushing dreams of Golden Gobstoppers.

Will he succeed today? Ross to go first.

-This is one of my greatest inventions.

-What will happen to me?

Something quite messy, Ross. But was that the first strike?

This is the mind-reading helmet.

Are you ready? Ve vill begin.

I can read your thoughts. What are you saying?

"Oh, no, my hair's a mess. I want to marry Rachel."

Who's next? Ah, you.

It's Josh now.

One of my greatest inventions. It is my invisibility cloak.

(I am invisible. You cannot see me.)

Look at this. This pie is floating all on its own like a little ghost.

It's made with animal ingredients like veasel milk

and giraffe sick and panda do-do.

It's coming!

Great silent work. Josh has his eyes on the prize.

Well, he can't see it at the moment.

Vot do ve have next? Ah! It's you.

Now it's Jodie's turn.

I have something very special for you.

This is the smelliest thing known to man. It is one of Mr Gross's socks.

Oh, my! It smells like skunk juice.

'Don't, don't be sick on the girl.'

Take it in.

Can Jodie hold it down? Oh, she does.

Don't vorry, Rachel. I have something very special for you.

It's Rachel. Can she keep the silence going?

This is my happiness ray.

We will commence in drei, zwei, eins!

SHE SHRIEKS

A yelp of shock. Has Rachel earned the team their second strike?

I am so sorry. I have it on the wrong way. Ve try again.

I point it at you and it will make you happy. Ready? Drei, zwei, eins.

Why vould it make you happy? Why vould you clap? What a rude girl.

Don't vorry, don't vorry. I have my clean machine here.

I vill be able to clean you up. Reactivate. Go!

The Professor has done the sums. More gunge equals more noise.

20 seconds to go and this is a joy to watch.

He's pulling out all the stops

to keep the Golden Gobstopper out of their hands.

Oh, some noises there.

Remember, it's three strikes and they're out.

Right, that is it. The time is up. Your Final Examination is over.

THEY CHEER

So, my little laughter llamas,

how do you think you did in your final examination?

-ALL:

-Good.

-Vell, I don't know.

If it was up to me I vould fail you.

'Make you eat failure haggis.' Hah! Quiet. But it is not up to me.

The beautiful Fraulein Gobstop will see if you will graduate

or if you will be expelled. Let us see. Fraulein Gobstop!

-How did my little Loch Ness monsters do?

-Well...

I was listening to you very, very intently. I heard a squeak.

I heard some talking. But was it more than three times?

Only I know.

You...

will...

..graduate!

THEY CHEER

Oh, quite incredible.

Let's see how the team from Glasgow and Edinburgh emerged victorious.

Ross had something on his mind.

What's going to happen to me?

And Rachel squealed in shock.

SHE YELPS

But having only triggered the Gobstop 3000 twice,

they've snatched victory from the jaws of failure

and won the Golden Gobstopper.

It is with great amazement...

..to myself and my staff members...

..that we award you the Golden Gobstopper.

Thank you.

Now get out of my school. Now!

Fine!

Away with you!

How did it happen?

I suppose it's good they finally started to be quiet.

THEY CHEER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd