Episode 7 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence, where the noisiest children

in the country are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

Ah!

Ha-ha.

Ah!

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day? Ooh, I doubt it.

DOOR SQUEAKS AND SLAMS

Shh!

Shh!

LOUD TAPPING

Gulp!

BELL RINGS

Ah!

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent,

followed by the crucial Final Exam which will determine

whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils manage to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my Confiscation Cupboard.

But if I think they are being too noisy...

-Ah!

-Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha.

..they will get nothing.

And I will know about it, thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3000, the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the final exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut, I will have no choice

but to expel them and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

This crew from Cardiff are having their noise levels monitored

by our glorious headmistress Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

You, step forward.

Name.

-Evan!

-Piano-playing,

drama lover Evan is a self-confessed chatterbox.

The loudest noise he ever heard was a cannon being fired.

-Er, not by him, though.

-You, step forward.

-Name.

-Caitlin!

-Courageous Caitlin's hobby is skiing,

where she's fearless. Once, Caitlin claimed she made a noise so loud,

-it almost caused an avalanche.

-You, step forward. Name.

Jay!

Jolly Jay is happiest when singing

and generally being loud. Jay would love nothing more

-than to laugh all day long. LOL!

-You, step forward.

-Name.

-Ollie!

Adventure-loving Ollie loves doing impressions to make friends crack up

and rocking out to music at full blast.

He'll have to press the mute button today.

-Very well, very well. Sorry, brief panic.

-Yes.

-Get out!

-Get them out!

-THE CHILDREN YELL

Time for our first class.

The first lesson is General Studies with Mr Gross.

Gross by name, even grosser by nature.

He uses old socks as dish cloths,

so who knows what stinky surprises he has in store for our students?

-Come in.

-Hi, Mr Gross.

-Come in.

-Come in, sit down.

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Quietly, please. Oh.

Oh, shush.

-Argh, that stinks.

-Your room stinks.

-Yes, I nearly forgot about my fishy.

-Ah!

-It's not funny!

-It is.

-It isn't funny.

-Don't mock me.

-She's naughty.

-She IS naughty, Evan, I know.

Let me tell you why you are here.

Because you are noisy, naughty, insolent children.

And you're here to prove that you can be silent.

Do you want to go back to bed, Ollie? You look very sleepy.

-That's cos I'm bored here.

-Bored?! Well, we'll soon see about that.

Now, all the way through your classes in the School Of Silence,

Miss Gobstop will be listening via your fluffy, little microphones.

And she will know if you're being noisy or not.

Right, do you think you're going to pass?

ALL: Yes!

-Good. It's time for your first Silence Test.

-Uh-oh.

-This test is about gardening.

-Oh, I love gardening.

-Good, me too.

-Do you know what I love about the garden?

-The worms.

-The slugs.

Oh, I love slugs. Now, what we've got here

are some compost balls from the school compost heap.

What we do need to find out is if they're fresh or if they're rotten.

And the only way to do that is to smash them on our foreheads.

Naturally.

But you need to do it silently.

So, what I'm going to do is spin the wheel

and, if the colour matches your tie, then you pick.

Are you ready for your first Silence Test?

YE-E-E-E-ES!

Thought it would never end.

So, six of Gross's grossest compost balls on the Wheel of Misfortune.

Who will get the first one?

Ooh, it stopped on blue. Ollie's got the blue tie, so that's his.

Oh, boy, if Mr Gross thinks that smells bad, it must really be bad.

But just listen to that silence. Great mute team work so far.

Mr Gross spins again.

(Oh, no.)

Purple, that means it's Jay.

Caitlin reminding Jay that silence means prizes there.

-Oh! Oh!

-Call that a smash? That's just a tickle in my book.

Eeew.

Ah!

And it's laugh-tastic for Jay.

Miss Gobstop will not be impressed.

Mr Gross spins again.

Oh, it's blue! Ollie again.

Can his luck hold out?

-Bosh.

-Ah!

-Ball to the head.

-Ha-ha.

-But loud shrieks from Jay and gasps from Evan.

Still not got the hang of it, have they?

Three balls down, three to go.

-Green, which is Caitlin.

-SOME GIGGLING

Jay really still not got the hang of the whole quiet thing.

Caitlin disgusted at the prospect of what might be in this ball.

Oh! Ha-ha!

Textbook compost-ball-to-head smash.

But there was no getting away from Jay's ear-piercing shriek.

Only two balls to go. Oh, it's blue again! That's Ollie.

I've never known anyone to love compost balls so much. Oh, good lad.

Takes a good whiff.

Limbering up.

Oh, oh. Eww!

Another rotter!

And more noise from Jay. I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

-This is your last compost ball.

-So far,

Evan is the only one who hasn't had a go.

Oh, Evan escapes. It's green! That's Caitlin for the third time.

Ha-ha!

A truly professional splat from Caitlin.

It's a rotten ball and Jay's outburst has set them all off.

A disastrous start. Will Jay's shrieks

and Evan's giggling have blown any chance of banking a prize?

Your Silent Test is over.

ALL: Yeah!

-How do you think you did?

-Bad.

-Failed.

-Bad cos of someone.

-Right.

It's quite interesting that the person who was giggling

throughout most of that test seems to think you did quite well

and all the others seem to think you did quite badly.

But it doesn't matter what I think

and it certainly doesn't matter what YOU think.

The only person whose opinion matters

is our illustrious head teacher Miss Feluna Gobstop.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Jay,

you need serious silent help.

Ah!

Follow Caitlin's good example.

But did her silence cancel you noisy boys out?

Class...

Were they quiet enough to bank a prize?

..failed.

-No.

-Oh, no!

-I thought we were really good.

-Deservedly so.

Get out! Go on, out of my classroom and don't darken my door again.

-Your fault!

-Yeah!

Oh!

-Failed because I was so, like, laughing so much.

-A lot.

I was laughing a lot.

And Miss Gobstop said that Caitlin was quite quiet,

-Jay was the noisiest and we were, like, in the middle.

-Giggles.

Although, luckily, I didn't get splattered.

-These nice people will help me.

-Next time, we're going to stay...

Shhh.

Attention, attention. This is the School Of Silence.

Following the tragic disappearance of Keith the parrot,

voting has reopened for nominating the new school pet.

Your choices are a tortoise or a stick insect. Thank you.

It's time for our students' second class -

Geography with Miss Adventure. Fearless roamer Miss Adventure

has run with the buffalo and flown with an eagle.

In fact, there's a whole list of other animals

which are in danger of meeting her.

But can she keep these kids quiet in her class?

And can they bank their first prize?

-Come in, young roamers.

-Hello, we're here!

-Aaaah!

Welcome, welcome, young roamers. I'm Miss Adventure.

Welcome to my class. Now, I was watching you in Mr Gross's class.

I can still smell you. Apart from Evan. Managed to get away with it?

-Yeah.

-You didn't get gunged at all, did you, Evan?

-No.

-Do you think you're lucky?

-Yeah.

-Do you think you're quiet, Evan?

No.

-He was bad.

-Because of someone!

-Jay was bad? Now, Jay...

-Would I be right in saying you're a bit of a giggler, Jay?

-Yeah.

-Bit of a giggler?

-Yeah.

-What makes you giggle, Jay?

-I don't know.

-What makes you giggle?

-I don't know.

-Anything.

-Anything makes him giggle. Anything?

-He's giggling now!

He IS giggling now. So, I'm just curious,

are you going to support Jay in this particular game?

If he keeps his mouth shut, then, yes.

-So, do you think you're going to pass my Silence Test?

-Yes!

Oh, my goodness, can you just stop there? OK. Let's see what happens.

It's time for my Silence Test.

Every explorer needs to be able to ride a camel across the desert.

The Silence Test is going to see whether or not

you can ride a camel in complete silence.

-Now, have any of you ever ridden a camel before?

-No.

-No.

-I've ridden my toy camel.

-Then maybe you've got an advantage, Caitlin.

-But have you ridden it in complete silence, Caitlin?

-No.

-No, exactly.

Now, remember, if you make a noise, you won't win any prizes.

If you're silent, you might get something from the cupboard.

Do you think you can complete my Silence Test in complete silence?

-Yeah!

-Now, wait until you see what I've got for you

because I've managed to secure two of the most fearsome camels.

Oooh.

Ah!

Ha-ha-ha.

Now, when you're on the camel, you must be aware of something.

They are easily distracted by tap dancing,

ice cream and other types of food.

So, I may be trying to tempt them through the Silence Test,

which will make them become quite uncomfortable

and buck and rear and perhaps even throw you off.

-Do you think you can do this?

-Yes!

-Caitlin's confident.

Right, so get on your camels, first riders.

Can the pupils stay quiet for 30 seconds

whilst riding Miss Adventure's camels? It won't be easy

with Miss Adventure doing all she can to make them buck and rear.

Your Silence Test commences in five, four,

three, two, one. Go.

Ha-ha.

Oh, and in no time, Evan is off and giggling away.

Caitlin on the touchline doing her best to keep team mate Jay quiet.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Ten seconds.

If they can keep up this level of hush, they might just bank a prize.

Change riders. Change riders.

Your Silence Test recommences in five, four, three, two, one. Go.

Next up, it's Jay and Caitlin. What could possibly go wrong?

Ah! Ha-ha.

Ah!

Yeah, absolutely everything. Caitlin has fallen off

and Jay is doing his shrieking best to fail another Silence Test.

Ten seconds left.

Caitlin determined to stay on.

Oh, no, she's off again!

Three, two, one.

Your Silence Test is over.

-Yeah!

-Your Silence Test is over.

I definitely heard a few noises. How do you think you did, Caitlin?

Spectacular dismount at the end there, Caitlin.

-How do you think you did?

-It was really bumpy.

-Was it?

Camels are bumpy, that's what they are. Ollie, what do you think?

-I did pretty good, cos I stayed on.

-It's not just about staying on,

it's about whether or not you were quiet.

-That's the point.

-I didn't say a thing. I didn't.

-We'll find out

cos it doesn't matter what we think.

It's all about Miss Gobstop and what she thinks.

Let's find out whether or not you passed or failed.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Evan, Evan, Evan, not a moment of silence.

Ha-ha.

A slight improvement from you, Jay.

Oh-ha.

Class...

It was always going to be a humpy-bumpy ride,

but with no prizes so far,

have they blown their chances of banking one here as well?

..failed!

ALL: No!

What a shame for you. Never mind. Anyway, I've had enough of you.

All of you, get out. Get out of my class.

-We failed, we failed.

-Oh.

We failed again.

All we had to do was get on a camel, mount it and fall off quite a lot.

But someone fell off.

And I think I did better this time, but I hate Mrs Gobstop.

Because she made us fail whereas I think we did quite well.

-Yeah.

-It was really cool, cos next time...

We're going to shhh!

Meanwhile, from camels to the school's hamster cage.

And that's how I defeated the three big, bad wolves. Biff, baff, boff.

Ha-ha. I bet I can guess your favourite film, Judy.

Chitty Chitty Hush Hush. Ha-ha-ha.

Bang. Ha.

No? Oh.

It's halfway through the day and time for Class 3

with Mr Les Prance, teacher of the Performing Arts.

Can Mr Prance make them dance to his silent tune?

Come in, come in.

-# Ta-da. # Hello.

-Hello, take a seat, take a seat, take a seat. Yes, yes!

Quick, sit down. I am Mr Les Prance, your Performance Arts teacher

and I'll be testing you to prove that you cannot remain silent.

-Now, remember, if you do the task in complete silence...

-Silence.

..you will pass.

Do you think you can pass this test?

No, well, I'm too gobby, aren't I?

-You're too gobby?

-I could so beat you.

-You could so beat me?

We'll see how we go. Your Silence Test is about begin.

Now, we are going to do, this afternoon, silent ballet.

Your task is to repeat every single move that I do in time with me,

in my specially designed ballet shoes.

-SQUEAK!

-Mmm, like that.

Your Silence Test has begun. Action.

In this test, the team must silently copy

three of Mr Prance's ballet moves.

Move one, a classic crouching prance, hidden squeaky ball.

Ha-ha.

-SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

-Ha-ha.

-SQUEAK!

-Ha-ha.

Oh, this is anything but squeaky clean.

Galumphing and guffaws there from Jay.

The second move is the technically tricky twinkle-toed leap.

-Ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Ha-ha.

-SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

-Wah!

-Wah!

-Ah!

-Ha-ha.

Caitlin's struggling with this move. And Jay with keeping quiet.

Our final move is what I call go freaky.

Ooooh. Ah!

They're really throwing themselves into this.

A+ for freaky effort, but D- for complete abandonment of silence.

-Ah! Ah!

-Ha-ha-ha.

My shoe.

Noise levels reaching a rather terrify crescendo.

Your Silence Test is complete.

-Ah!

-Yeah!

Yeah!

-How do you think you did?

-Really well!

-You think you won?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-No, I think we lost.

-You think so?

However, it is not for me to decide how you fared.

Miss Gobstop has been listening to the entire class.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

-Do you know the meaning of silence?

-No.

-I didn't think so.

-Wah!

-Ah!

-Ha-ha.

Some outstanding physical effort, but noise may have let them down.

-Class...

-Have they done enough to bank their first prize of the day?

I think I know the answer.

..failed!

Yeah!

You're happy about that?

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

-Exactly, get out, get out, out!

-Yeah!

-Bye, bye.

So, with all their classes completed,

the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop

for their report before their Final Exam.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, yeah.

-Enter.

That was so cool!

So, shall we take a look at your report?

Evan.

You started the day gasping, then giggled on your camel.

Ha-ha.

Quite frankly, you're just giving me the hump.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Jay, you are aware that this is the School Of Silence?

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Ollie. You've been a giggler.

-He-he-he.

-But I have seen you trying.

Caitlin. Early on, you were quite a team leader,

shushing everyone, what happened?

We knew we were going to lose, so I just bust out laughing.

But it hasn't finished yet, you have one last test.

-You have the Final...

-Ha-ha!

Goodness, gracious me.

-You have the Final Exam...

-Yuh-huh.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-..to keep it quiet.

-Zip.

Not setting off my Gobstop 3000...

-Bing.

-..for three times or more. Why don't you keep your mouths shut?

And then, I will be terribly sad when I have to graduate you

and give you the ultimate reward of the Golden Gobstopper.

-Yeah!

-If you are noisy in your Final Exam, I will expel you,

I will celebrate and have a fabulous time. What would you rather?

-Boo.

-Exactly. Go to the laboratory.

-Bye!

BYE!

It's crunch time - the Final Exam with The Professor.

With mind-boggling experiments and with dastardly inventions,

science only knows what The Professor has in store for them.

Ah, Guten Tag, my little laughter pigeons.

Welcome to the laboratory, and your final examination.

I am the professor, and today, with the help of my assistant,

Herr Helmut - Ha! Look at me!

-He's a muppet!

-What will happen today -

we will run you through your final examination

to see if you have learned the silence.

But if you make three of the bad noises, you will be expelled.

Ha! Eat failure cake. Flap, flap, flap, like a failure pigeon!

You fall on the ground! Ah! If you fail, that will be one thing.

But if you manage to keep with the silence,

then you will graduate the School Of Silence.

You'll win the elusive Golden Gobstopper.

The Professor is going to do all he can

to stop these cacklers from Cardiff winning the Golden Gobstopper.

Prepare yourselves. This could get messy.

We will commence in drei, zwei, eins!

LIGHTNING CRASHES

Ah ha ha! Quiet, you. OK, where shall we begin first?

Ah, I think I know.

We will begin with... This is my latest and greatest invention -

the non-stick pie.

Look, it's very special.

No, I'm begging you!

It's got extra ingredients in it like pigeon juice and panda doo doo.

HE GIGGLES

Ooh, and straight off we've got whimpering, giggling and gasping.

Let's see if it works, if it's sticky.

HE SHRIEKS

And a shriek-inducing forearm pie to the chops, followed by giggles.

OK, what do we have next? Ah! This.

It's a mind-reading levitation helmet.

Next up, Caitlin.

She's showing noise-defying determination there,

but can she hold out?

Don't worry, it will just levitate above your head with this propeller.

Here we go.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot to turn it on.

Oh, brilliant, Caitlin! Working that silence with all she's got.

Now, what do we have next? Ah, yes, for you.

Next is Jay. Can he put his noisy past behind him?

It is my instant youth cream. It'll make you look young.

Mind you, you are pretty young already.

If I put this on you, it will turn you into a baby. Ha! Ready?

HE GASPS

Unbelievably, the best effort today there from Jay.

Ah, for you, you look very clean, and I want to keep you that way.

Ollie's next. Can he keep up the good work?

What I will do is I keep you that way with my latest invention.

It is the invisible shield. We put it on you like this.

Perfect.

Now to see if my latest invention, the invisible shield, works.

-HE WHIMPERS

-Oh, Ollie's broken his silence

-with a washed-up whimper. Is that strike two?

-It's malfunctioning!

I know, it's... Don't worry. Perhaps I put it on the wrong person.

Let us try...

Right, let us try this one.

The Professor really enjoying himself now.

Ah, well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Can the Cardiff cacklers keep quiet under all this slime?

I think that's all there is.

HE SHRIEKS LOUDLY

Oh, the naughty, nutty Professor pulling a fast one there.

HE SHRIEKS AGAIN

Will that final outburst ruin their chances of graduating

and taking home the Golden Gobstopper?

Right, that's it! Your final examination is over!

Argh, this..!

Right, how do you think you did in your final examination?

-Really bad!

-Really good!

-Rubbish!

Well, if it was up to me, you would fail. But it is not up to me.

It is up to the head teacher, the beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper

to see if you have passed. You're in for it now.

GIGGLING

How did the giggle munchkins here do?

I heard giggling.

I heard squeaking. I also heard shushing.

Caitlin and Ollie, I saw you trying to keep quiet.

As for the other two, but what did the Gobstop 3000 say?

Did you pass? Did you graduate?

Or will you be expelled?

You...

..will...

..be expelled!

HE CACKLES

You go home with absolutely nothing!

Oh, dear! A hopeless failure! But where exactly did it all go wrong?

A squeal from Ollie...

..a shriek from Evan...

..and an outright scream from Jay.

They set off the Gobstop 3000 three times and lost any hope

of winning the Golden gobstopper.

Now, get out of my class!

That's it, away with you! Go on, that's it!

THEY SHOUT