Episode 6 School of Silence

Welcome to the School of Silence,

where the noisiest children in the country are sent

-to prove they CAN keep quiet.

-THEY SCREAM

We're about to meet four new arrivals.

But can they keep quiet for just one day?

Oh, I doubt it!

Shhh!

Shhh!

TAPPING

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN SCREAM

Shhh!

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove they can be silent,

followed by the crucial Final Exam,

which will determine whether they graduate,

or will be expelled.

If I think pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my Confiscation Cupboard.

But if they are being too noisy...

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

..they will get nothing.

And I will know about it, thanks to this device.

The Gobstop 3000.

The very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the Final Exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper!

However, if they fail to keep THAT shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them.

And they will go home with absolutely nothing.

Today's gobby lot are from Glasgow,

and they're getting their last chance at being loud

in front of Miss Gobstop and form tutor Mr Gross.

This noisy bunch are going to struggle.

They'll need to keep it shut

if they've got any chance of a prize.

You, step forward! Name?

SCREAMING: Kavita!

I heard that!

Kavita loves nothing better than a right good scream.

I can see Miss Gobstop has got her work cut out.

You, step forward!

Name?

SCREAMING: Tariq!

Tariq loves rocking out on his drums,

but the loudest noise he's heard is his mum shouting.

Shouting at him to stop playing the drums!

You, step forward! Name?

SCREAMING: Ricco!

Ricco can burp the whole alphabet,

but he also likes boxing.

So watch out for a punch if you tell him to be quiet.

You, step forward!

Name?

SCREAMING: Humza!

That's almost off the register!

Apparently, Humza's favourite noise is an elephant's trump.

Yes, you heard correctly!

Get them out! Get out!

Get them out! Quickly! Quickly, quickly, quickly!

CHILDREN YELL

It's time for classes to begin.

The first lesson, General Studies with Mr - bleurgh - Gross!

This revolting teacher has the most disgusting tests

tucked up his smelly sleeves.

So what awaits our Glaswegian gang in their first silent test?

HE GURGLES

Come in!

HE GURGLES

THEY SQUEAL

You stink of BO! Put some air freshener in here!

Right, shush!

That was my crab impression. What did you think?

It was rubbish!

Shall I do another animal impression?

-ALL: No!

-No more!

Well, I am your General Studies teacher, Mr Gross.

Remember, you are here because you are noisy.

We like being noisy!

-Exactly!

-Exactly!

And it's got to be silenced out of you!

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on your fluffy little microphones.

So she knows if you're being noisy.

Have a whiff of that!

THEY SCREAM

I do have an effect. You've got to prove you can be silent.

Do you think you can do it?

-ALL: Yeah!

-We can do this!

-We're going to prove you wrong!

It's time for your first silence test.

Bring it on!

Yes, we will.

This first silence test is all about Media Studies.

I will show you the face of a "celebrity",

and then we'll hear their bottom burp.

All you have to do is tell me if the next celebrity

is going to do a longer or a shorter trump.

However, if you get it wrong,

then you will be taking a whiff from my guff jar.

Your silence test starts...now!

So, guessing trumps in silence. Bieber, do your worst.

PHRRRRRT!

Oh, the class are struggling to control their laughs.

Will the next be longer or shorter?

It's Katy "Parping" Perry!

Will her pump be shorter or longer?

It's Ricco up first.

He thinks the Perry parp will be shorter than the Bieber botty burp.

WHISPERING: Let's find out.

PHRRRRRT!

Ricco's stifling a laugh, but did he get it right?

WHISPERING: It was longer.

Ricco's got it wrong! He has to face the jar of guffs.

HE GASPS AND COUGHS

Surely a gasp and a cough there,

but was it too loud for Miss Gobstop?

They'll need to do better than that to bank a prize.

So who's going to trump the Perry pump?

It's Daniel "Raspberry" Radcliffe.

WHISPERING: Shorter or longer?

Humza's next, and he's going for shorter.

What can Harry Potter magic up?

PHRRRRRT!

They're trying to keep quiet.

He's got it wrong!

We know what that means. Bring out the jar!

HE GAGS

There's some noisy gagging.

Let's hope Miss Gobstop doesn't fail them.

Next up is Kavita.

So whose pump will trump Potter's parp?

It's Wayne "Rotten" Rooney.

WHISPERING: Shorter or longer?

She's going for shorter.

Will she be the first to get it right?

PHRRRRRT!

She's right, and stayed silent! Well played, Kavita.

So after Rooney's ripped, who's next?

WHISPERING: It's Jessie "Air Biscuit" J.

Last up is Tariq, and he's playing it long.

But will he be right or wrong?

PHRRRRRT!

Tariq HAS got it right,

and the rest of the team also kept quiet

during that gargantuan guff.

Out-pffft-standing!

Your silence test is over!

THEY CHEER

How do you think you did?

-We did good.

-Yeah!

-We did good!

Were you quiet enough to pass? I don't know.

But I'll tell you who does.

Our illustrious headmistress,

the mighty Falullah Gobstop.

MISS Gobstop to you!

TANNOY: 'Attention, attention!'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'Much to my amazement, you really worked as a team.

'Humza and Ricco, your gasps were as ghastly as the toxic jar.

HE GASPS AND COUGHS

HE GAGS

'But were your noises louder than the top pumps?'

Class...

Here come the results.

Have the team banked their first prize?

..passed!

THEY CHEER

Thank you!

All right, all right! Don't feel too proud of yourselves.

There are some trickier tests to come in the School of Silence.

And I have a feeling

you're too naughty and noisy to pass those,

and you'll go home with nothing.

Get out of my class! Go on!

THEY CHEER

Good riddance! Clear off! Off you go!

THEY CHEER

We passed!

Oh, it was well disgusting!

Yeah, the smell of that toxic... It was disgusting!

We're going to pass this next task, and T-G-D.

ALL: Teacher's going down!

TANNOY: 'Attention, attention!

'This is the School of Silence.'

It is with much sadness that I must announce

that the search for Tiddles, the school's pet cat,

has been called off.

MEOW!

However, I am delighted to announce that Keith,

the new school pet, will be a...

..parrot.

SQUAWK!

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear! It's time for Class 2.

Geography with Miss Adventure.

She discovered the land of make-believe

before coming to the School of Silence.

But do our team believe they can bank a second prize?

Come in, young roamers! Come in!

THEY YELL

Can you help me up? Help me up.

SHE GASPS AND GRUNTS

Here's your hat.

Thank you. Take a seat, young roamers.

I'm Miss Adventure.

Geography teacher. Welcome.

You've been in Mr Gross's class?

-Yeah.

-I think he likes you.

-Mr Gross likes me?

-ALL: Yeah!

What, what, what? In a...no, never mind. We're just friends.

Now, I've got a silence test for you,

and I think it's going to defeat you.

It's going to defeat you! Going to defeat you!

Why are there snakes on your table?

-That's Gary...

-They're not real!

-..Jason...

-They're plastic!

-..and Kylie.

No, they are absolutely real. They're just sleeping.

Will you pass my silence test?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, we'll see about that!

The animal world is full of sworn enemies

who must be kept apart.

Today, for your silence test, I have the most fearsome animals,

who have a long-standing grudge against each other.

Now don't be frightened.

Please welcome...a bee and a bear.

That's enough, boys. That's enough! That's enough!

So you have to keep these animals apart

for one minute, completely silently.

Are you going to pass my test?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, let's find out.

For the next minute, our two teams have to hold the animals apart.

In silence, of course.

Your silence test commences in five...four...

..three...two...one...fight!

Both teams going for the same technique,

holding the bear's legs and the bee's knees.

And there goes the bear!

There's a real buzz about the place now!

HE CHUCKLES QUIETLY

Squawks, coughs, and all sorts now!

It looks like Miss Gobstop's heard them.

30 seconds. Halfway through the test.

They'll lose the chance of a prize

if they don't stop their noise now!

The bee and the bear getting at each other.

Still cross after last year's honey incident.

And Miss Gobstop not looking happy either.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

10 seconds!

The "bear" truth is, there's laughter there.

Only five seconds left.

Four, three, two, one! Oh!

Your silence test is over!

Here comes the result. Will it mean prize number two?

Now, now, now!

Your silence test is over.

How do you think you did? Think you passed?

ALL: Yes!

I think I heard a few giggles. Er, not just now, boys. Calm down.

Well, it's not up to me. It's not up to you.

It's up to Miss Gobstop to decide. So let's find out. Miss Gobstop?

TANNOY: 'Attention, attention!'

This is Miss Gobstop.

'I heard no bees or bears,

'but I did hear the sound of giggly gigglers.'

THEY GIGGLE SOFTLY

Class...

Is it going to be another pass and banked prize?

..failed!

THEY GROAN

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

What shame for you all! Never mind.

My bear and my bee defeated you.

And I've had enough. Get out of my class.

Out you pop. Off you go.

-Aw!

-Oh, man!

That was a bummer. We've got to stop each other giggling.

Hopefully we pass the next class.

T-G-D!

ALL: Teachers going down!

ALL: Yeah!

Meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage...

# The hamster on the wheel Goes round and round

# Round and round, round and round, The hamster on the wheel

# Goes round and round. # Please, please stop!

Shhhh!

It was making me dizzy.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lord of the dad dance,

Mr Les Prance, the school's performing arts teacher.

But can he instruct our students in the silent arts?

With only one prize in the bank so far,

how are our pupils going to get on in his class?

-DOOR KNOCKS

-Come in, come in.

Sit down, sit down, sit down, quick!

OK. Shhhh.

Mind your heads.

-What are you doing?!

-It worked yesterday.

Thank you.

I am Mr Prance, your performance arts teacher.

-Yes?

-Is it Prance or France?

It's Prrrrrrance.

-ALL: Prrrrrance.

-Yes. It's spelt P-P-P...

..R-A-N-C-E.

-Prance.

-Prrrance.

-P-p-p...

-Yes.

Now, chaps and chapette, it is now time for my silent test.

As a performer, there are times that you must remain still

and also silent.

This is a staring competition,

with my assistant issuing a cold water punishment for blinking.

As ever, Miss Gobstop will be listening

for any noises, as we find the master of face control.

Remember, blink and you'll get it.

My silence test has begun.

In three...

two...one.

-Stare.

-Shhhh!

It's the classic silent stare-off

with cold water down the old back for the loser.

Ricco and Kavita are first up.

-KAVITA LAUGHS

-And Kavita's blinked first.

-It's shower time.

-No!

KAVITA SCREAMS

Oh, my goodness. That'll burst Miss Gobstop's eardrums!

Ricco won Round One, which means he's through to the final.

But they need to show better silent skills if they want to bank a prize.

Round two.

In three...two...

one...stare!

It's Tariq and Humza now.

This is getting tense. Who's going to blink first?

I'm going to lose.

What's Humza doing? He's started talking!

Oh, Miss Gobstop won't like that.

Surely this blink battle has to end eventually.

These boys are amazing!

You blinked!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

Listen to that! That's got to be off the Gobstop scale.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-That's tipped her over the edge.

-Ohhhh!

It's the winners of the two opening rounds, Humza and Ricco,

head-to-head.

And now for the grand final.

In three...two...

one...stare!

-You blinked!

-Oh!

KIDS LAUGH AND CHEER

Oh, they've totally forgotten about staying silent.

Miss Gobstop has surely heard that.

But look at that!

Willpower from Ricco. That's Oscar-winning face control.

Your silence test is over.

Yeah!

-Humza is the master of face control!

-So is it a fail or another win?

KIDS CHEER

At the end of the great stare-off, how do you think you did?

-ALL: It was all right.

-Really?

I think in the instruction

I did point out that you had to remain silent.

I heard screaming which shook the very foundations of this school.

However, it's not for me or Nursie to decide how you've done.

Miss Gobstop has been listening and she will let you know the result.

Leave that alone.

Attention, attention!

This is Miss Gobstop.

Kavita, Kavita...

Your scream chilled me to the bone.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

Tariq, you squealed like a little piggy!

EAR-SPLITTING SHRIEK

Humza, speaking...

shouting...is not silence.

Yeah!

KIDS CHEER

Ricco, I admire your strength, but try to control your teammates.

'I have never heard so much noise during a class.

'My Gobstop 3000 was smoking.'

Class...

What's it to be, a pass and another prize banked? Or a fail?

Failed!

-Yes, ha-ha!

-ALL: Aw!

-Come on!

Ha-ha-ha. I told you, you cannot beat the Prance-inator.

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Yes.

-Out you go. Yes, bye-bye, losers. Take care.

-Bye-bye, loser!

MR PRANCE LAUGHS

Woo! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Catch me, catch me, catch me!

The pupils are off to get their report before the Final Exam.

Enter.

Quickly.

So you've been sent here because you're all far too noisy.

Shall we take a look at your report?

Ricco, you tried to control your giggles but it was hard for you.

But you did control yourself in the last class. Commendable.

Kavita, you started as a good, silent pupil.

Slowly your silence turned to giggling and then screaming.

SHE SCREAMS

-Such a shame.

-Wasn't my fault.

Tariq, you too started quite quietly,

But the giggles got the better of you,

resulting in squeals of laughter.

HE SCREAMS

-Humza.

-Yes?

Sadly, you don't seem to have any control of yourself.

Yeah!

If you'd like to take home some prizes,

then I would suggest that you learn to stay silent.

You have one exam left,

in the science lab with The Professor.

If you manage to stay silent,

you will take home the one prize you have banked,

plus the ultimate reward of the Golden Gobstopper.

But if you make three noises or more that set off the Gobstop 3000,

you will go home empty-handed

and will be expelled!

So take your little feet silently to the science lab

and get out of my office.

-I've got quite big feet.

-Not as big as mine, darling, so get out.

-...sasquatch!

-Goodbye. KIDS CHEER

It's time for The Professor.

His mad experiments are all that's standing between

our gobby Glaswegians and their prizes.

Well, my little pandemonium pigeons,

welcome to the Final Examination here in the laboratory.

I am The Professor, and today with the help of my assistant, Hermud,

"Science pirate!"

-"Oh, look!"

-Stop it, you fool!

Not in front of the vict...

..in front of the children. What will happen today

for your Final Examination is

we will set you against the power of the silent laboratory

and three of my greatest inventions.

However, if you make any of the bad, bad noises, you will fail.

"Ha! It's a failure cake! Num-num-num!"

In the unlikely event you manage to keep quiet...

"Ha!"

..you will graduate.

And you will win the elusive Golden Gobstopper.

Do you think you can do it?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Well, I don't know about that. From what I hear,

you are noisier than hip hop hippos having a pool fight in a disco.

-"That doesn't make any sense."

-You don't make any sense.

-"Your mother doesn't make any sense!"

-Quiet!

The Professor will do all he can

to stop them winning the Golden Gobstopper.

-Do your worst, Professor!

-We will begin the Final Examination...

In drei...

zwei...

eins!

THUNDER CRASHES

-"It begins!"

-Quiet!

Right, who's first...?

I think the first one will be you.

First up is Kavita.

It is my invisibility cloak.

Look... You cannot see me.

-You've no idea.

-He's standing right there.

Oh, dear, Ricco's started chatting.

You have no idea where I am. You can't see me.

Oh, look. Look at this!

It is floating all on its own. Oh, so scared.

Ohhh...

Where is it going to go?

It's a very special pie.

It's an animal pie filled with panda doodoo and pigeon juice and sick.

Would you like a taste? No?

What about...

Now?

Oh, one of the professor's classic moves. Sneaky.

It's all right, I've got a spare!

Oh, he's done the double. This is breaking all the rules.

-Right, what do we have next? For you...

-Next it's Tariq.

One of my greatest inventions, it is the colour flute.

Whenever I play something from it, you get to see the colours.

Are you ready? Here we go.

Oh, no, there's something stuck in the end.

Tariq is keeping it nicely shut

but Ricco is struggling with the chuckles.

Oh, I'm sorry, you forgot to hear it.

I forgot to give you your headphones. There they are.

Well, you could say there's no pies on Tariq!

Right, who do we have next?

I think we have...

-..you next.

-Now its Humza's turn.

One of my greatest inventions, the beauty claw.

It helps you do your make-up from miles away.

We just turn it on.

Whoa, oh!

The claw, it is going crazy, Hermud.

-"Help us!"

-No, it is fine.

Here we go, the make-up...

Humza may be blue in the face, but he's keeping it quiet.

-"He looks like a Smurf!"

-I know. Quick, deactivate.

And finally, what do we have for you?

Last up, uh-oh, it's Ricco.

One of my greatest inventions, the happiness ray.

It can make you happy from miles away. Are you ready?

We commence in drei...zwei...

..eins!

Oh, so sorry.

I had it the wrong way up. It was a sadness ray.

Ha, that was a frown. We make you happy this time. Are you ready? Go!

Why would that make you happy? You're such a rude boy!

Don't worry, my special machine, the glee machine, can clean you up.

Er, let us go...

Now!

Er... This one!

A chortle from Ricco there, but can the team last

the final 20 seconds gunge onslaught without alerting Miss Gobstop?

Remember, three strikes means they're expelled

and go home empty-handed.

Ha! Stupid machine!

Right, that's it. The time is up, your Final Examination is over!

KIDS CHEER

Well, my little buzzing bees,

how do you think you did in your Final Examination?

KIDS CHEER

-"I think you failed..."

-Quiet, you!

Right, but it is not up to me and it is not up to Hermud.

It is up to the beautiful Fraulein Gobstopper

to see if you will graduate the School of Silence

or if you'll be expelled.

I think he's in a huff. Let us find out.

-Fraulein Gobstopper!

-The team have failed two classes and passed one.

So with a prize and the Golden Gobstopper at stake,

will they pass the Final Exam and graduate?

How did my guinea pigs do?

Well, I heard a giggle. I heard grunting.

But did you make three or more?

-How do you think you did, Ricco?

-Good.

Good. Humza?

Yeah, we did really good.

The Gobstop 3000 has spoken.

You...

..will...

..graduate!

ALL: Yes!

Yes, it's a fantastic victory for the group from Glasgow.

How did they do it? Well, there was some chat from Ricco.

-You cannot see me.

-He's standing right there.

-There's something stuck in the end.

-Before The Professor dished out

an array of ghastly treats to the class,

including headphone pie and the beauty claw.

"He looks like a Smurf!"

Then Ricco slipped again with a small chuckle,

but with only two strikes on the Gobstop 3000,

they've won their prizes and also the Golden Gobstopper.

It gives me some kind of pleasure to award you the Golden Gobstopper.

Yay!

Collect your prizes and get out!

Out!

Get out of here!

Get out!

KIDS CHEER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media