Episode 5 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children in the country

are sent to prove they can keep quiet.

KIDS SQUEAL

We're about to meet four new arrivals,

but can they keep quiet for just one day?

Hoo-hoo! I doubt it.

Shh!

Shh!

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN YELL

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes to prove

they can be silent, followed by the crucial Final Exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If I think the pupils managed to stay quiet enough to pass a class...

..then they will bank a prize from my confiscation cupboard.

But if I think they're being too noisy...

LAUGHTER

HE SHRIEKS

..they will get nothing and I will know about it, thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 3,000, the very latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass the Final Exam,

they will take all the prizes they have banked

and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

However, if they fail to keep that shut,

I will have no choice but to expel them

and they will go home with absolutely nothing.

These noisy pupils are from Bromley in Kent

and are having their noise levels monitored

by our beloved headmistress Miss Gobstop

and their form tutor Mr Gross.

You, step forward. Name?

Amy!

Amy says her most annoying habit is picking her nose

and she loves blowing raspberries too.

Hopefully not at the same time. That could get very messy.

You, name?

Chloe!

Twin sister Chloe says that the funniest noise she's ever heard

was when she sat on a whoopee cushion.

Well, that's her excuse, anyway.

You, name?

Ellen.

Ballerina Ellen once launched a ballet shoe into the audience

during a performance and says her favourite noise is giggling,

which is lucky, as the audience burst out laughing.

You, step forward. Name?

Christiana.

Christiana likes to sing

and says the funniest noise she's ever heard was a dog breaking wind.

The dog says her singing was much funnier.

Get out! Get them out!

ALL CHEER

It's time for their first class, general studies with Mr Gross.

He smells, but his tests really stink.

Today's class is a double period,

so how will our new pupils cope with two Gross tests?

Five and six and seven and eight. Oh, come in.

-Come in.

-Hello, hello, hello!

-Hello, sit down.

THEY COUGH

Yes, very funny.

I'm just finishing my morning exercises.

Five and six and seven and eight.

THEY SHOUT OVER HIM

ALL: One, two, three.

Oh, I tell you what. It's hot work, this, you know. It really is.

Oh, dear. I've got to wring out my sweaty hankie.

It's important to rehydrate and get the salts back in the body, you see.

Ugh! Can I be sick?

Shush! Now I've got your attention, Miss Gobstop is listening

at all times on these fluffy little microphones, so she knows

if you're being noisy or if you're being silent.

I don't think you can be silent, but we're going to find out, aren't we?

It's time for your first silence test.

Here we are at your first silence test.

Now, it's very important to have a trade in life.

Today's test is all about plumbing.

What we've got here are three pipes from the school plumbing system.

They are unfortunately blocked.

What we're going to do is find out who is the best plumber

and we're going to do it...

(Silently.)

Yes, Chloe! You might just make it yet.

So, they must unblock three pipes by blowing down them.

The person who blows the hardest unblocks the tube

but soaks their opponent.

They must be quiet if they want to bank a prize.

First up, it's Amy versus Chloe.

Three, two, one, plumb!

SHE LAUGHS

Chloe is laughing like an unblocked drain.

Not a good start.

I got you, Amy.

But did Miss Gobstop get all of that?

Pipe number two, and it's Christiana versus Ellen.

Well, the twins are laughing in stereo.

If they carry on like this,

they can kiss goodbye to any prizes from the confiscation cupboard.

And finally, the two best plumbers go head-to-head.

They must plumb silently if they want to bank a prize.

CHLOE SPLUTTERS

Remember, don't try this at home!

At least they're enjoying themselves,

unlike poor Miss Gobstop.

Your silence test is over.

OK. It's time for another silence test.

Well, perhaps they'll make amends in Mr Gross's second test

and bag some prizes.

This silent test is all about babysitting,

which is very important in later life

for earning extra pocket money and, of course,

if you are unfortunate enough to have any children of your own.

Nurses?

ALL: Ugh!

They're absolutely gross.

What we have here are some mini Grosses

for you to practice your babysitting skills, but you must practise in...

Silence!

Silence, absolutely.

Your silence test starts now.

So the girls have to look after Mr Gross's dolls.

They have no idea that these creepy babies actually trump

and wet themselves.

They must stay silent if they want to bank a prize.

You're talking, did you know that?

And, like, so are you, yeah!

Amy gets the first mini Gross. How will she cope?

MINI GROSS TRUMPS

A giggle from Chloe.

The baby's let rip, but can Chloe and Amy control their guffaws?

Looks like these young ladies might be going home empty-handed

if they carry on like this.

Amy looks happy, but will she stay silent

when the mini Gross has a big accident?

CHLOE LAUGHS

(I'm afraid he had a little accident.)

Sssh! Sssh!

Noisy shushing from Chloe. That'll get Miss Gobstop's attention.

MINI GROSS TRUMPS

Could Amy's giggling cause the girls to fail?

Mr Gross is handing over the final baby.

What's Christiana's childcare plan?

Abandon the baby. Hmm, that's not very nice.

Sssh!

A little accident from Mr Gross's doll there,

but a big laugh from Amy.

I don't think Miss Gobstop looks impressed.

Your silence test is over.

I think there was an awful lot of noise throughout the test.

Don't you?

No. I didn't hear anything. Did you?

Well, I tell you what.

It was just the babies.

I know who would've heard something, our illustrious headmistress,

the delightful, all-powerful Fallulah Gobstop.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

The level of noise during these silence tests was disgusting.

Amy - giggler extraordinaire.

Ellen, you tried hard, but not hard enough.

Christiana, keep up the good work.

Chloe, your constant chatter and cackling was unbelievable.

I got you, Amy.

Are you OK?

Oh, no!

Class...

Have they passed their first class and banked a prize?

..failed.

ALL GROAN

It doesn't matter. We've got more chances.

Yeah, well, I can't say I'm surprised.

You are quite the noisiest children I've experienced in a long time.

Get out of my classroom. Go on, off you go.

ALL: Bye!

Go quietly. Don't slam the door.

Oh, that's so bad! Come here.

We've got loads of other chances so cheer up.

We failed. I can't believe it.

She said that I kept yabbering on. Well, I did not yabber on.

It was her and her and her.

You did. Don't blame it on us.

They might think we can't be silent...

ALL: But we can. Sssh!

I hate your hair. You wear far too much make-up.

Your clothes are revolting. Terrible.

In short, you look like a clown.

SILENCE

You're hired!

On to the Class 2, geography with Miss Adventure.

She may be tiny but her tests are massively difficult.

Will the pupils put their bad start behind them

and bank their first prize of the day by passing this class?

Miss Adventure was the bravest explorer of all time

and she said...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, come in, young roamers. Come in, come in, come in. Take a seat.

Welcome, welcome. Lovely. Close the door.

Hello, class. I am Miss Adventure, geography teacher.

Salute me if you fancy. There we go. Oh, that's very disciplined.

Now, did you pass Mr Gross's class?

No, but because he wasn't a nice teacher

we think we might be better for you.

-Oh, you think I'm a nice teacher, do you?

-Yes.

-That's very nice.

Well, I've got a great silence test for you.

It's going to defeat you as well. I've planned it very carefully.

# It's going to defeat you # It's going to defeat you... #

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

This is how you dance.

But it was good dancing, though.

That was good dancing and it was quite silent as well.

It was quite silent. That was quite good. I quite liked that.

Sit down, class.

So, I'll ask you one more time,

do you think you're going to pass my silence test?

ALL: Yes!

Well, we'll see about that. It's time for my silence test.

Every explorer needs to be lucky and my silence test is going to

see which one of you is the luckiest and if you can be completely silent.

You're going to pull out one of these pegs.

And if there's red on the bottom, you get a custard pie in the face.

Amy and Ellen, let's get you sitting down.

So, can you be quiet in my silence test? Let's find out.

Silence test commences in five, four, three, two, one...

Four cold custard pies and four fresh faces.

Who'll pull a red peg first and get a face-full?

Ooh, it's not Ellen.

Amy's turn to pull a peg of peril.

Silent chuckling.

They're really upping their game in order to bag their first prize.

Let's see that again.

First pie to Amy. Who's going to get the next one?

Lovely.

It's Ellen's second go. Will her luck hold?

The answer's no!

Amy's trying to control her titters but has Miss Gobstop clocked them?

Let's look at the flying pie again.

Bam! Direct hit. What a beauty!

Christiana joins Chloe. Who will get the third pie?

Chloe's in the clear. Silent relief.

A confident pull from Christiana.

Chloe's still lucky and silent. It's a miracle.

They're quite literally pulling out all the stops to keep schtum.

SHE GASPS

Not a peep. Miss Gobstop will be impressed.

In case you missed it, here's how to stay silent

while being pied in the face.

Bosh!

Just Chloe left now. How long will her luck last?

A while longer, it would seem. That's three in a row.

Amazing!

They can't believe their pies!

This can't last much longer.

Can they keep it together with a prize in sight?

Well, Chloe's lucky streak finally ran out.

She thought it was all over and it was...all over her face!

Ohhh! Pie-tastic!

Your silence test is over!

Well, they seem pretty happy but have they done enough

to bank their first prize?

So, your silence test is over. How do you think you did?

-Amy, how do you think you did in that one?

-Fabulous!

Better than in Mr Gross's class. I tried not to laugh.

I did snigger but, you know...

Ellen, what do you think?

As a team, we done better than Mr Gross's.

No doubt about that. I definitely heard some noises, though.

But it's not up to you, it's not up to me.

It's up to Miss Gobstop. Let's find out what she thinks.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Goodness gracious!

Are you the same girls who were in Mr Gross's class?

You seem to be learning the code of silence.

Well done.

But were your whispery giggles too much?

Class...

Have they passed their first class of the day

and banked themselves a prize?

..passed!

I can't believe it.

That was unbelievable.

Oh, for goodness' sake. That's enough, class.

I can't believe you did it. Get out. Get out of my class.

We've passed, we've passed, we've passed, we've passed!

Miss Gobstopper said, "Are you sure you're the same girls?"

Well, we pulled off this one.

The next time we're going to zip it even more.

ALL: Ssh!

Well, meanwhile, in the school's hamster cage.

Judy, what's silent but deadly?

HE TRUMPS

Ooh! Correction - what's deadly?

Oh, Harry!

It's time for Class 3 with Mr Les Prance,

teacher of the performing arts.

Prance will make them dance to his silent tune. Action!

Our noisy mob from Bromley have failed one class

and passed the other.

They're on a roll, so will it be prize number two?

-Good morning, hello.

-ALL: How do you do?

-That's lovely. Take a seat.

-Thank you.

-Good to hear.

Let me just put this somewhere out of the... Oh dear! One moment.

Mr Prance, you're a bit over the top.

-Really?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Shall I just put it down?

-A lot over the top.

-Really?

-OW!

-Do you want help?

-No, it's OK. Erm, now, hello.

-ALL: Hello.

I am, as you know, Mr Prance, your performance arts teacher.

Here, within our theatre of silence,

I'm here to prove that you cannot remain silent.

-Ssh!

-Thank you.

OK, if you're food, we want you to be like shush kebabs

and not bangers. Do you understand?

Now, it's time for my silent test.

My silent test is silent make-up.

You must make each other up for my new thriller.

It's called Which Tiger Is It?

You will be the tiger.

You will be the witch.

My silence test begins in three, two, one, action!

So, scary make-up in silence.

The girls will work in pairs with the added twist that

they can't see what they're doing.

Erm, we need...

Chloe starts the silent test by talking. Radical!

Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, dear. That will not please Miss Gobstop.

Christiana and Amy remain tight-lipped

in the hope of banking a prize.

Chloe's finally earned her stripes by staying silent but will it last?

I can definitely hear some giggling but will that cost them a prize?

Artists, inspect your work.

Have a look.

What will they make of their new look?

Oh, was that a snigger from Tigger?

And Amy casts a spell...

..of giggling.

Your silence test is complete. Cut.

Miss Gobstop has been listening and she will let you know how you did.

Attention, attention. This is Miss Gobstop.

Chloe, I caught you talking.

OK, erm, we need... Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

And, Amy, you finished things off by cackling like a little witch.

Class...

Now, have they managed to bank their second prize?

-..failed!

-Yes!

ALL: Ohhh!

I warned you!

Will the new pupils please report to my office immediately?

Mm, that's right, out you go. Goodbye.

You look lovely, by the way. Thank you, take care.

So, with the classes complete, the pupils are off to see Miss Gobstop

to get their report before the Final Exam.

Come in.

Quickly. Shut the door, please.

So, you were sent here because you're all far too noisy

and we've put you through some silent tests.

So let's look at your report cards.

Amy, your giggles were heard throughout my school today.

Ellen, I have noticed that you've tried to keep your mouth shut.

You guys must be silent.

Chloe, it says here,

"Chitter chatter, chitter chatter, cackle cackle cackle."

I got you, Amy!

Sssh! Sssh!

Christiana, keep up the good work.

So, of the three classes, you've passed one,

which means you've banked one prize.

But, in order to receive that prize, you have to pass the Final Exam.

If you graduate, not only will you take home the prize,

but you'll also receive the ultimate reward of the Golden Gobstopper.

But, if you fail, you will be expelled

and go home with absolutely nothing.

Now get out and go to the science lab.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Dear goodness me!

It's time for the Final Exam with the professor.

His fiendish experiments and dastardly inventions

are all that's standing between our new pupils and graduation.

The professor will do all he can to stop them winning their prizes

and the Golden Gobstopper.

Vell, my little giggling gooses.

Velcome to your Final Examination here in ze laboratory.

I am ze professor and today with ze help of my assistant Herr Helmut...

-BO!

-You stop doing that!

You're crazy! It's just a puppet.

-Oh, killer vorm! Attack, attack! Get off!

-It's just a puppet!

Right, for your Final Examination,

I will pit you against ze power of my silent laboratory.

If you make three of ze bad, bad noises, you vill be expelled.

If you pass, you vill vin ze elusive Golden Gobstopper.

OMG! I know.

Ve shall commence your final examination in drei, zwei, eins!

-Ha-ha ha!

-Shut up!

Right, who do we have first? I think we will have you.

Ellen's first up.

Zis is my latest and greatest invention.

It is ze mind-reading helmet.

It will be amazing. Are you ready? Here we go.

I can read your thoughts. You're like, "Oh no, my hair is a mess!"

Look, you look beautiful. You're like Lady Gaga!

Right, who do we have next?

You, I think. What have we got?

Oh, I like ze smiles and ze giggling. What do we have?

It is my invisibility cloak.

You can't see me.

I'm invisible. Where has he gone?

-You're there.

-I am not here!

You're guessing.

Oh, Chloe's fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

Has she earned her team their first strike?

Remember, three and they're out.

Christiana's up next.

Oh, it's a special pie. It's floating.

It is made with animal sick and panda doo-doo and weasel juice.

Oh, it smells horrible. I know.

Great silent skill.

Christiana really wants them to win.

What do we have next?

For you, I think.

Now it's Amy's turn.

It is perhaps the most dangerous and smelliest thing known to man.

This is one of Mr Gross's socks. Oh, it's horrible.

Oh, it, it smells like a giant's pants.

You can't run.

Suffering in silence.

This team's really trying hard.

Very good. But, finally, what do we have for you, Chloe?

You get to test my latest and greatest invention.

It is my happiness ray. Are you ready?

Go!

Some giggling. Is that strike two?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I had it upside down. It was a frown. You need to turn it this way.

Right, we try again. Here we go. This will make you happy, Chloe.

Eins, zwei, drei, go!

Why would that make you happy? How rude are you?

Right, don't worry. We will be able to clean you all up.

Things will be absolutely fine with my gleam machine. Go!

20 seconds to go.

Can they keep quiet under the onslaught of slime?

Thank goodness the machine is empty.

Oh, the pesky professor is trying to trick them.

Can he break them in the last few seconds?

That is it. Your time is up.

Your Final Examination is over!

So, have they won all their prizes

or did they set off the Gobstop 3,000 three times?

Sssh! How did you think you did in your Final Examination,

my little pandemonium pigeons?

Do think you managed to pass?

ALL: Yeah.

We will see. Only ze gorgeous Fraulein Gobstopper can say

if you will pass the School Of Silence. Fraulein Gobstopper?

Well, my glorious headteacher, how did meine guinea pigs do?

Well, I was listening intently through my Gobstop 3,000.

I heard noises.

So, you...

..will...

..be expelled!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Oh, no! They've lost all their prizes.

So, where did it all go wrong?

There was backchat from Chloe...

You're there.

..who was joined in the cackling by Amy...

..before a final burst of doubled up laughter from the twins.

So, more than three strikes means they failed.

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd