No Newt is Good Newt Scoop


No Newt is Good Newt

Local reporter Digby Digworth joins an explorer in his quest to find the extremely rare blue-spotted newt, but Hacker is more interested in tracking Bigfoot.


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Transcript


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# Time is running out

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# Stories to be found

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# What's it all about?

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# Got to go and check around

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# If there's a rumour going round

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# Don't you forget it

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# Wherever something's going down

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# Got to get that scoop!

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# Got to get that scoop!

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# Got to get that scoop!

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# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P! #

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HE SNORES

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BEEPING

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BEEPING

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SIRENS WAIL

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Yuck!

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One sugar, please. And make it a big one.

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Paper boy!

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FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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GROWL!

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ARGH!

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THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!

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HE SIGHS

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HE GROWLS

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One day I will read my articles from a paper

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that is not like a wet dishcloth or confetti!

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I see you're logged on and still obsessed with Pilbury Bigfoot.

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Let me know when you find him.

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That would make a front page story!

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Trust my trousers to fall down in front of the Queen.

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She saw the funny side.

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She pretended to be annoyed and have me thrown out,

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but he really wanted me to stay to tea. I could see it in her eyes.

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-Hacker, what are you doing?

-Shush!

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SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

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-Incredible!

-Woof!

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You know what you've found here?

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You have discovered absolute convincing proof...

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..that we own...

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..one large walking jacket and a mop.

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HE LAUGHS

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I'm sorry. But I admire your enthusiasm.

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You'll make a lovely reporter one day. Talking of which,

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Mr De Lacey should be phoning with another top story.

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No, he will.

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I know he will.

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I'll phone him to check he's phoning me.

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HE GRUNTS

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Max De Lacey.

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-Sir!

-'Ah, Digworth.'

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I'm expecting a call about you from Buckingham Palace.

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Do you mean a knighthood?

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No. Hopefully imprisonment in the Tower of London! Ha ha ha!

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98. Come on, Simon.

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Put your back into it!

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Any more mess-ups and you'll be jam-making for your career.

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As long as it's not raspberry.

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Oh, listen, listen.

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Explorer Baz Allen plans an expedition to Pilbury Forest

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to research the blue-spotted newt.

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He wants the press to go and capture the scene. You up to it?

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My Cub Scout nature badge is still my proudest achievement.

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Your only achievement!

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You'll live in the wilderness for two days, so go prepared.

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Don't let this paper down.

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Your future depends on it.

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Ha ha ha!

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Blue-spotted newt! If that gets the front pages, I'm a monkey's uncle!

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Whoa!

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The blue-spotted newt! That's a front page for definite.

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And living in the wilderness with Baz Allen!

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I'm going to pack now.

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Fly cream. Mosquito cream.

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That's normal cream. Never mind. I'll have it on my strawberries!

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Come on, Hacker!

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Never mind your Pilbury Bigfoot. This is real nature.

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The blue-spotted newt!

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No, I'll tell you what, Hacker. Leave the sat nav.

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Let's do without modern technology for one day and use our brains.

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There's a real map.

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Hacker?

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-Woof!

-Hacker, what are you doing?!

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HACKER WHIMPERS

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This map's actual size!

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Where are you? Hacker!

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No more messing about, all right? Get the sat nav on and set course pronto.

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The most direct route to Pilbury Forest...

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..via Kenny's Burgers, of course.

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I'm exploring the remote forests of Pilbury,

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in search of the elusive blue-spotted newt.

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It's only found in the wildest terrain,

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so we'll need our survival skills

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-and that means it's essential to wear the right gear.

-BAZ!

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Top of the morning, mate!

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-Who are you?

-Digby D Digworth, Pilbury Post,

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Cub Scout rambling badge and attendance at a three-day camp.

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And the runner-up in the stick-fetching contest,

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-Pilbury Dog Show, at your service.

-What's this?

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A few provisions, mate.

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Custard creams? Strawberries?

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This is a wilderness expedition, mate, not Sunday in a theme park!

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-Kalahari bush men aren't adverse to Digestives!

-Get rid of it!

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Selena Sharp of the Gwiglington Gazette.

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Digby Digworth. Quelle surprise!

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I thought the new boating pond in the park

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-would be more up your street.

-Grr!

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I see you've brought your mascot.

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I thought this was an exclusive!

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I needed two reporters in case something happens to one of us.

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It takes two to carry a stretcher.

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-Stretcher?

-Yeah. It's a jungle! Well, forest, but you get my drift.

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Woof woof!

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Mr Allen, my friend would like to know

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-if there's any truth in the local Bigfoot.

-Rubbish!

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We're after the blue-spotted newt, my friends.

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We will shelter from wind and rain

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using only the leaves and branches from the forest.

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Now, let us leave behind the comforts of home

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and set off into the heart of darkness.

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SQUEAK!

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Right. Time to build shelters. Make sure they blend into the forest.

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The blue-spotted newt must not detect us.

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Ha ha ha!

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Are you insane, Digworth?

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You'll frighten off all wildlife for ten miles.

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I want a proper shelter there, in ten minutes.

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Yes. You heard the man, Hacker. Go and fetch some proper logs.

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Grr.

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Ah!

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Argh!

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BAZ GROANS

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Shall I put the kettle on?

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OK, you cunning little blighter.

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Come out, come out, wherever you are.

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Come on, Digby. Keep up.

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This is harder than I thought. Are you all right, Hacker?

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Hacker?

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-What are you doing? He told us not to stray from the path!

-Huh!

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If we don't see this reptile before Selena

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-I'll pretend you're a newt.

-Ugh!

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-Still obsessed with the Pilbury Bigfoot, are we?

-Mm.

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The most important thing is the blue-spotted newt.

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HE BARKS

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-Forget the newt!

-Ow!

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Bigfoot, here we come.

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-Follow me.

-Huh?

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HACKER SNIFFS

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-ARGH!

-ARGH!

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Bigfoot!

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CRASH!

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-Argh...

-Baz, are you all right?

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-I think we've stumbled across something.

-Nothing new there.

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-He was stumbling all day.

-Well, could it be?

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It says here, 'Size 11, leather soles, canvas uppers'.

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Oh, wait. There's more!

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'Baxter's Footwear'.

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Baxter's!

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That's amazing! Bigfoot is wearing the same shoes I am!

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Idiot! He IS you. You've been following your own footsteps!

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-Nincompoop!

-Huh?

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We're after the blue-spotted newt.

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We're after the blue-spotted newt! HACKER BARKS

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Oh...

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Hacker, I reckon we've got as much chance of finding this newt

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as a needle in a haystack.

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What would you rather see on the front page?

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A massive Bigfoot, or a three-inch navy blue newt?

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< All right, team. Start setting your newt traps.

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He wants a trap, does he?

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I'll give him a trap!

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-Phew!

-Thanks for your help, Hacker.

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Cover the hole so Bigfoot doesn't suspect.

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Digby! That's a very big trap to catch a three-inch newt.

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Yeah...

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No, no, no!

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Not at all. The newt will expect a small hole. They're very cunning.

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You wouldn't be trying to go after something bigger?

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Work faster! I think she suspects something.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello.

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Tell me you've got an exclusive photo of the blue-spotted newt.

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-I've got an exclusive photo of the blue-spotted newt.

-Excellent!

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-Front page of the nature section.

-Sir, it's not true.

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Why did you say it?

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-Because you told me to.

-Idiot!

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Oh, no, but I'm glad you rang because I think we've caught it now.

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Listen to this.

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(Make some noises like a newt.)

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-Huh?

-Make some newt noises!

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HE GARGLES

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Did you hear that? The croaks of the legendary blue-spotted newt.

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HE PURRS

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-Remarkable! What other noises can he make?

-ARGH!

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-CRASH!

-Wow!

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That newt has certainly got some vocal chords!

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-I'll clear the front page of the nature section!

-Thanks.

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You won't regret it.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Go, Simon, go!

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Excellent! Lunchtime. I am starving.

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What's this? Cold chicken? Ham? Strawberries?

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I told you to get rid of this. We're living wild, idiot. Off the land!

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There.

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That's your dinner. Beech leaves.

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See, that's how you do it.

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Excellent, Digby. You caught some beech leaves.

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Much more difficult than fishing, I find.

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No... But...in fact, I can fish as well.

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This is one I caught earlier. Pretty big chap, too.

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Put up a bit of a struggle, I can tell you.

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Show me it!

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-It's frozen!

-I'm not surprised. It's chilly in that river.

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Shh! Listen.

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The blue-spotted newt. I sense his vibrations.

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GLUGGING That's my stomach rumbling.

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-Shush!

-We need to get out there.

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I'll come. I can get a shot from 400 metres with this.

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Well, I've got a range of 4 feet with this. And it's got a built-in flash!

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HE MURMURS

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Selena, you keep watch.

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-You...come with me.

-Coming, Baz!

-Good luck, Digby.

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Remember, put the camera to your eye and push the button.

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Yeah, thanks, Selena(!)

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-Which button?

-Oh!

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< Digby!

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What are you looking at?

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-Grr!

-Grr!

-Oh!

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Right. Let's see who'll get a picture of something a bit bigger

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than a stupid blue newt, shall we?

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SHE CACKLES EVILLY

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He's close. We need to lure him.

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-Do you know the call of the newt?

-Who recorded that? Yes, Girls Aloud.

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The cry of the blue-spotted newt, you fool! Listen.

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HE SQUAWKS

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Use it, and he will come.

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Spread out!

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Good luck.

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HE SNIFFS

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He's barmy.

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Never mind the newt. The call of Bigfoot will get us the front page.

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RARGH!

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Come on, you big hairy monster! Come to Digby!

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RARGH!

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SQUAWK!

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What was that?

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Did you hear that? SQUAWK!

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It's the newt!

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It's coming from over there.

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You wait here, Hacker. A shot of the newt is better than nothing.

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GROWLING

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HE SNIFFS

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Huh?

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Baby!

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SQUAWK!

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It's coming from behind this bush.

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SQUAWK!

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Steady now, Digby.

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Don't make a sound.

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I spy a scoop!

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I've got the newt! I've got the newt!

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Argh!

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Baz! You do that newt call awfully well.

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-Have you ever thought of entering Britain's Got Talent?

-Grrr!

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That didn't sound like a newt. You have to hit the upper notes.

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ARGH!

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That's more like it.

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ARGH!

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What a day!

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Well, goodnight everybody.

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HE GROANS

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What did he say?

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Digby, after you've jumped on somebody's head

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they're not likely to be chatty!

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Sleep well, Baz.

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Good night, Hacker.

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SNORING

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GROWLING

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-GROWLS:

-Baby!

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THE TENT UNZIPS

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GROWLING

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Now stop messing about. Come on, stop it. Stop it.

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GROWLING

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You're getting a cold, Hacker.

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Have to get you some medicine. GROWLING

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I'm really hungry. Get us a sausage roll out of my bag, will you?

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I'm sure I left one in there.

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ZIPPING

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Thanks, Hacker.

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You know what? I think the old life in the forest suits you.

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You're becoming quite muscular. Good night, Hacker.

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GROWLING

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BABY!

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Argh!

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Morning, Hacker.

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Hacker!

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He's gone!

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Hacker!

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Hack...!

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Hacker!

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Hacker!

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Hacker!

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Oh, where is he? Hacker!

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CAMERA BEEPS

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(Selena!)

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(Faking a photo of Bigfoot! How low can you go?)

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I wish I'd thought of that.

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Steady, Digby. Get a shot of her.

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-What are you doing, Digworth?

-I... I... I've newted the spot.

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Er, blue the newt...

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Spied the newt. Yeah.

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GROWLING AND WHIMPERING

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Baby!

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Well, well, well!

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At least you've found Hacker.

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HACKER WHIMPERS

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Do you know what, Selena?

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I never thought a member of our noble profession

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would stoop so low as to actually fake a photo!

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HE SNIFFS

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How long have we known each other? Years.

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HE SOBS

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I mean, we were at journalist school together.

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I always used to look up to you.

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Especially when I was sitting down.

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You've let me down and you've let yourself down.

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And you've let Baz down. Have to tell Baz cos you've let him down too.

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Hang on, if she's over there...

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..then, um...

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ARGH!

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GROANING

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Urgh... Bigfoot.

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Argh! It's a big hairy monster!

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Oh, Selena, it's you.

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-Oh!

-You're not still on about that Bigfoot nonsense, are you?

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-Did you take a picture?

-Not exactly. I fainted.

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Oh, really! What, a hardened reporter like you?

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-Never mind. Looks like I've got the picture of the century.

-Huh?

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CAMERA BEEPS

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Oh, no(!) It looks like I've accidentally deleted it.

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You'll have to get another shot.

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Huh!

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It's time we got some advice. Every top reporter needs a source.

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Ah!

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No, Hacker. A source of information.

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-Sid The Source.

-Woof!

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Sid! Sid!

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He must be around here somewhere.

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-Watch where you put your hands!

-Who said that?

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Keep your voice down. You'll wake the woodworm.

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-Don't want them wriggling about.

-Sid, amazing! How do you do that?

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It's hard. I've got a woodpecker in the upper branches.

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I can't hear myself think!

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-TAPPING

-There he goes again.

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-How do you get close to Bigfoot?

-I don't know.

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Flowers, chocolate!

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-I'm serious.

-So am I.

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Nothing more powerful than love.

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DRIBBLING

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Don't even think about it!

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Come away, Hacker.

0:23:140:23:15

You're suggesting I woo a big hairy monster.

0:23:150:23:19

All you've gotta do is...

0:23:190:23:21

Hacker, doggy bank.

0:23:210:23:23

Huh?

0:23:230:23:24

HE WHINES

0:23:240:23:26

Dress up as a nice lady Bigfoot

0:23:290:23:31

and he'll eat out the palm of your hand.

0:23:310:23:34

Where can I get a costume from?

0:23:340:23:36

It so happens I've got one and it's going very cheap...

0:23:360:23:41

Woof!

0:23:440:23:45

Wow! Sid, how does a female Bigfoot differ from a male?

0:23:470:23:51

-Are her markings more subtle? Is she less athletic?

-No, not really.

0:23:510:23:56

She's got long eyelashes and a skirt.

0:23:560:23:59

Let me know if you see Baz, Hacker.

0:24:020:24:04

-This'll take some explaining.

-Mm.

0:24:040:24:07

How do I look?

0:24:090:24:10

HE WINCES Here we go.

0:24:100:24:13

HE WOLF WHISTLES

0:24:130:24:15

There he is!

0:24:170:24:18

EXCITED GROWLING

0:24:230:24:25

Baby!

0:24:260:24:28

Oh, Hacker, he likes you!

0:24:280:24:30

He probably thinks you're a Littlefoot!

0:24:300:24:34

Hold it there while I get a shot.

0:24:340:24:37

HACKER SQUEALS

0:24:370:24:40

BIGFOOT WOLF WHISTLES

0:24:400:24:42

Hold on, you. Steady. Marriage isn't something to rush into, you know.

0:24:420:24:47

Let's take things one step at a time. Argh!

0:24:470:24:52

HE LAUGHS

0:24:520:24:54

Just get this shot and it's the front page for me.

0:24:540:24:58

Argh!

0:25:050:25:06

I think I've shaken him off. Got to get my camera...

0:25:110:25:15

GROWLING

0:25:150:25:16

Is that the real Bigfoot or Selena?

0:25:160:25:18

It's Selena, the scheming cheat. She's got my camera.

0:25:180:25:22

She'll delete all my photos!

0:25:220:25:24

The legendary blue-spotted newt!

0:25:240:25:28

After all these years.

0:25:280:25:30

Keep away from it, you hairy beast!

0:25:310:25:34

Baz, you don't understand! It's her in a costume.

0:25:340:25:37

What are you blathering about? Tie it up. It might hurt the newt.

0:25:370:25:42

I'll prove it to you. I'll rip the head off.

0:25:420:25:45

Tough stitching!

0:25:470:25:49

BIGFOOT ROARS

0:25:490:25:51

Selena, you should see a dentist.

0:25:510:25:53

ROAR!

0:25:530:25:54

HE SCREAMS

0:25:540:25:56

-Hacker!

-Woof!

0:25:580:26:01

It's the real Bigfoot!

0:26:020:26:04

Hold still, I can't get him!

0:26:040:26:05

-Grr!

-Hacker, do something!

-Huh?

0:26:050:26:09

Here it is. My life's dream!

0:26:100:26:14

The last remaining blue-spotted newt on the planet!

0:26:140:26:19

Argh!

0:26:190:26:20

SQUELCH!

0:26:200:26:21

NO!

0:26:220:26:24

Ladies and gentlemen, after years of searching,

0:26:330:26:37

I present to you the legendary blue-spotted newt.

0:26:370:26:43

Oh, dear! Everything seems to have gone a little flat.

0:26:430:26:48

D'you know what, though?

0:26:480:26:50

I reckon one day we'll all look back on this and laugh!

0:26:500:26:54

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

0:26:540:26:56

THEY SCREAM

0:26:560:26:58

CAMERA CLICKS

0:26:590:27:01

Ah, hot off the press, Simon.

0:27:050:27:07

Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

0:27:070:27:11

DIGBY DIGWORTH!

0:27:180:27:23

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:350:27:37

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:370:27:39

# S-C-O-O-P! #

0:27:400:27:42

Local reporter Digby Digworth joins a world-famous explorer in his quest to find the extremely rare blue-spotted newt. Hacker is more interested in tracking the legendary Bigfoot, but he soon regrets this when the mammoth monster mistakes him for a little foot.


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