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# Time is running out
# Stories to be found
# What's it all about?
# Got to go and check around
# If there's a rumour going round
# Don't you forget it
# Whenever something's going down
# Got to get that scoop
# Got to get that scoop
# Got to get that scoop
# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P. #
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
No doubt my story has made the front page yet again, Hacker.
"Local reporter gets a wedgie"?
Maybe I do have to go on a teensy-weensy little diet.
From now one I'm cutting out all non-essential foods.
-That's no fruit, and definitely no vegetables.
All right, all right, no fry-ups and no cakes.
-From now on, Digby D Digworth is on a diet.
Seven whole seconds. That's twice as long as my last diet lasted.
By the way, nice collar, Hacker.
You should be careful wearing that.
Haven't you heard? The whole town is in the grip of a crime spree.
This gang go around stealing jewels and replace them with cakes.
The newspapers are calling them the Battenburglars.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Yelp!
Keep calm, Hacker. I guarantee as long as I'm around,
nothing's going to happen the your collar.
We must save this bagel for the police, Hacker.
Because this is evidence.
delicious evidence, roasted with cream cheese and butter.
It's all right, Hacker, it's all right.
The police can always X-ray my stomach.
Anyway, I bet any minute now the phone will go
and it'll be Max, the editor,
-demanding I investigate the Battenburglars.
-No, he will.
I know he will.
I tell you what, I'll phone him to check he's going to phone me.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING Oh!
-Hello, Max. It's Digby.
Hello... Digby Digworth, your star reporter.
You remember, you sent me to your niece's school last week?
They get sick of dissecting the frogs,
I thought you'd be a challenge.
DE LACEY LAUGHS
I hope you weren't late.
-I hate people being late.
I rely on my new desk clock. It can tell me what time it is
in over 17 different countries when I shout at you.
DIGWORTH! 2.14am in Tonga.
Amazing. Right, I've got a story for you this week, Digby.
-I'm worried it might be difficult for you.
-I knew it.
It's the Battenburglars?
I want you to interview a granny
celebrating 50 years in the tea shop business.
But that's not a job for a proper reporter.
-That's why I chose you.
-What about the Battenburglars?
That crime spree nonsense has been blown out of all proportion.
Do you know what, Hacker? I might have only been on this diet
a short time, but I already feel lighter.
'You weigh way too much.
'Lay off the cupcakes, lardy.'
Ha-ha-ha! It's only kidding.
Come on, Hacker, the news is out there. Let's sniff it out.
I smell a scoop.
I don't know why I was complaining, Hacker.
The more I think about it,
-the more I know this granny story is going to be great.
Grans can be exciting.
Knitting isn't that much different to snowboarding.
Both involve zigzag patterns and wearing woolly hats.
Forget about this Battenburglars business, set the sat-nav.
Don't you worry, I will keep to my diet when we get to the tea shop.
Cakes couldn't be further from my mind, all right?
Turn the radio on, Hacker.
You're just seeing things, Digby. You are not...
It's no good, I'm seeing cakes everywhere now.
Goodness me, Mr Digworth.
I'm thrilled your newspaper wants to interview little old me.
I see a man who knows his way round a roly-poly sponge.
I can't, I won't, I mustn't!
I'm sorry, Granny Smith, I'm on a diet. Isn't that right, Hacker?
Will you excuse me a moment?
Now, that is a lovely little old lady.
So kind, so friendly, so gentle.
I'm sorry, my dear.
You're 50p short.
Nobody tries to short-change Gran.
Oh, goodness me, did you slip, my dear?
How dreadful. Let Granny help you up.
Oh, how lovely. She's so sweet.
Granny Smith? I thought I'd warn you
to keep your valuables under lock and key.
-We're in the middle of a crime wave.
I remember the good old days when no-one ever locked their doors.
All those unlocked jewellery cases,
just ripe for...
Oh. More cake?
Look, Hacker! A jewelled dog collar.
Hacker's got one just like that.
Will you excuse me a moment?
What do you think you're playing at, you numpty?
This set-up is the biggest payday the Battenburglars have ever had
and I'm not going to let some wet-behind-the-ears
78-year-old mess it up.
What's that, Mr Chocolate Cake?
You want me to eat you?
You too, Victoria Sponge?
You want me to eat you, too?
want me to eat you?
What have you got, hot water bottles for brains?
-The diamonds go in the fruit cake.
That reporter, Digby Digworth, may look dumb,
but he could be on to us, which is why I'm moving the bank job forward.
Eenie meenie miney mo.
I'm going to eat you in one go.
-What is it, Hacker, what?
The grannies are out the back with their feet up
enjoying a lovely afternoon nap, so what?
Oh, they must have a new food mixer.
It sounds very powerful.
It's hardly any wonder then,
-Grandma has such lovely buns!
No, she has such lovely... She makes, she MAKES lovely buns.
She... Oops. Come on, let's say goodbye to Granny Smith,
then we'll be on our way.
According to the plans, the bank vault is directly below.
Granny Smith? Are you there?
(You're right, Hacker, there is a front-page story here.)
(Her cakes are shop bought.)
What are you playing at?
If you mess up this last big bank job, I'll swing for you.
We'll have to blast our way through.
I don't believe it.
See, this is why I'm such a great reporter.
I didn't fall for that kindly old granny routine for a second.
If only we knew which bank they were planning to rob.
-Quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.
That's it, I've got it, it's probably that one.
You know, this is too big a story, Hacker, even for me.
I'm going to call the police and I'll get my scoop
when the Battenburglars are arrested.
Yes, officer, this is the Battenburglars' headquarters.
Their leader is evil, cunning, and ruthless. Look.
Welcome to my humble establishment.
Now, gentlemen, can I tempt you
with one of my delicious jam sponges?
Where's this gang leader, then?
Is this some sort of joke?
This is Granny Smith, she's a legend in baking.
50 years in the cake business.
Oh, you're too kind.
I think you need fattening up with a generous slice
of my banana and walnut cake.
I'm sorry, us elderly folk do get wind at the oddest times.
Tummy trouble, you know.
Rubbish! She's doing a bank job!
I must apologise for these terrible accusations.
I'm going to knit you all some lovely socks.
Can't you see she's pulling the wool over your eyes?
Take this cake.
It might look like nothing special, but in fact,
It's just 99p.
All right, then. All right then.
What about this? Eh?
I bet they hide the gems in this.
I am not listening to any more of this.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Time you were on your way!
-You have to believe me! This bank is going to be robbed today.
This bank has state-of-the-art security measures in place
to protect the priceless Murray Ruby.
I think the Battenburglars will be keeping well away.
Look, I haven't got time for this.
If we're going to stop the Battenburglars, we need help.
Remember, Hacker, every top reporter needs a source.
No, Hacker, not chilli sauce.
A source of information.
Sid the Source.
Digby, are you looking for me?
No, but I could use a new putter, where's the sale?
-It's me, Sid the Source.
Then you must tell me everything you know.
But I will need something.
-Hacker, doggy bank.
The third member of the Battenburglars,
Gladys, the Cardigan thief,
-was due out of prison today.
Yeah. She was doing a five-year stretch for robbery
and making her grandchildren repeatedly kiss her at Christmas.
Eugh! That's horrible.
But, she's not getting out.
She's doing solitary after they discovered her
trying to knit an escape tunnel.
She was one dropped stitch away from freedom.
But I could never pass myself off as a sweet old lady.
Heh-heh-heh. Here is Gladys' mugshot.
Well, it doesn't get much...
sweeter than that.
If I didn't shave for a few days,
you couldn't tell us apart. Thanks, Sid...
-Sid? Sid! Come on, Hacker!
Can I help you?
Granny. Surely you recognise your old partner in crime, it's Gladys.
Is it really you, Gladys?
You seem to have lost your Scottish accent.
-Och, well, they do say prison changes a person, right?
Well, it's certainly changed you!
You're a foot taller than last time I saw you.
Where's your little friend?
You were inseparable.
-My little friend?
Oh, yes, there he is, dear.
Come on, bark for the boss, eh?
Yes, but wasn't Meow-Meow a cat?
Well, I shouldn't be telling you this, right, but Meow-Meow
has been given a whole new identity
as a doggy under the witness protection programme.
Actually, it's time for you to get back to your safe house. Go away.
Well, if you really are who you say you are,
you can prove it by answering one question.
What's your favourite cake?
-All of them.
Welcome home, Gladys.
Just in time for the Murray Ruby job.
-What's that, boy?
Are you trying to tell me something?
The bank vault.
OK, let me just make sure I've got this straight. I'm talking to a dog?
I must be going mad.
-Get off, shove off.
Shoo. Leave me.
Come on! Get on with it.
Come on! I haven't got till Christmas.
Where were you in the post office queue
when they were handing out brains?
-Look. It's my grandson Gerald, he worries about me.
Digby! How did you get on with Granny Smith?
Aye, doing well, Gerry. No, my back's not giving me too much gyp.
What are you on about, you idiot?
I sent you there to get a nice interview with Granny Smith.
(I said yes, it'll tug a few heartstrings.)
Must go now, Gerald,
Granny sends you big sloppy kisses.
-What? I'm warning you Digby,
you better not fall on your face, your career is hanging by a thread.
Ooh. Why me?
It's a film?
No. OK, it's a play. Right.
Oh, it's a song, right.
Three syllables on the first word.
Right... Do you know the way...
Do You Know The Way To San Jose? No?
Wherever I Lay My Hat, That's My Home?
-Expecting someone, Gladys?
No. I'm just a lonely old granny. No one ever visits me.
After a big bank job like that I like to celebrate.
-Who fancies a rock cake?
-The Chronicles Of Narnia, Prince Caspian?
Spiderman III! I knew I'd get it eventually.
Well done me.
Whoo! I'm parched. I'm going to go and get a cup of tea.
Do you think you fooled me for even a second, Digby?
Going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
Perfect! No-one will be any the wiser.
That ruby is ours!
SHOP BELL RINGS
Time to help Mr Plod solve the case.
Afternoon. We are closing early.
Oh. Those wouldn't happen to be your world famous home-made cakes,
would they? Mind if I take a look? Oh.
-Bakewell tarts. My favourite. Mind if I sneak a cherry?
Thank you. Oh... I hope you don't mind me telling you, Granny,
-you're cherries are past their sell-by date.
I'll sort that out.
What's going on here?
-A horrible crime.
-You're right, that jumper's awful.
That's my watch.
-You're the Battenburglar.
You didn't really think I'd split the loot, did you?
He's still following and I'm going over five miles an hour.
Hacker, I've got to get that ruby to clear my name.
I can't have you putting your delicious cakes at risk, can I?
I might have known.
The Battenburglar. Pitiful.
You can't even resist the cakes of a sweet innocent old granny. Allow me.
Get your grubby mitts off my ruby.
That my ticket to paradise!
You're no sweet innocent granny.
You're the Battenburglar. You may have fooled the likes of him.
Yes, you may have fooled the likes of me...
No, she didn't! You should be ashamed of yourself, Granny.
I am, to be caught by a ninny like you!
You're going down for a very long time.
Time to take a picture for my paper.
First, I think I'll have a celebratory cake.
My diet is officially over.
This cherry is a bit stale.
That was no cherry, you idiot.
That was the ruby. You've just eaten the evidence.
You done yet, Digworth? We really need that ruby back.
-Yes, officer. Any moment now.
Any moment now?
You've already had 10 cans of baked beans and 15 prune juices.
Oh, the ruby.
You know how you talk about the long arm of the law?
I think you're going to need it.
Hot off the press, Simon, another award-winning front page, no doubt.
"Reporter's career goes down the pan!"
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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