Don't Read All About It Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Whenever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P! #

HE SNORES

ALARM BEEPS

HE GRUNTS

COMPUTER BEEPS

Paper boy!

BIG CAT ROARS

Ah!

HE CLATTERS DOWN THE STAIRS

One of these days, Hacker, I will read a paper without

having to put it through a tumble dryer first.

What? "Rare Bird Frightened off by Bird-Brain"?

It took me four hours to climb that hill

to get a shot of the great crested groob.

Admittedly the hill was only 15 ft high,

but I was carrying a lot of weight at the time.

No! Bird-watching equipment.

TV: 'This evening, children's author TK Towling

'will be reading from her latest book,

-'Billy Watson and the Martian Magician.'

-TK Towling! Wow!

-I'm her biggest fan.

-'The plot is a secret.

'In fact, only one copy has so far been printed.'

One copy, eh, Hacker? What a publicity stunt.

The reporter who gets his hands on that book

will have the scoop of the century. Argh!

I'm her biggest fan.

I've got all of her Billy Watson stuff. Look at this.

Isn't that something?

Amazing eyes.

Impressive coat.

Hard to believe it's just a bundle of plastic and wires.

-HE PANTS

-Oh, well. Another day,

another front-page story.

Come on, Mr De Lacey.

He's going to phone any minute now, Hacker.

Oh, he will. I know he will.

I tell you what,

I'll phone him, just to check that he's going to phone me.

-PHONE RINGS De Lacey?

-Morning, sir!

-Ah, Digworth.

I see your great chump has made the front page again.

Thank you, sir. I do my best.

You look completely out of condition in this photograph.

-To make it big you need to be healthy, like me.

-Yes, sir.

-Now, TK Towling's in town.

-Remember the policy of five a day?

I stick to that religiously.

Good advice, sir.

-TK Towling's new book is going to be...

-That's five.

Then I'm ready for my five caramel slices and my five flapjacks.

Very good, sir. Yes.

TK Towling's new book is being kept under wraps.

-I can get a sneak preview if you let me cover the story.

-New book?

Are you insane? I wouldn't ask you to cover my driveway with gravel.

Actually, that's quite good, that! Did you hear that, Simon?

There's a local baker who has made a cake

in the shape of a big shoe. Go and cover that.

Mind you, even then, you will probably put your foot in it.

Oh, well.

A cake in the shape of a shoe.

That could well make a front page story.

TV: 'Towling fans will have to wait until tonight

'to know the contents of her book. We'll be back on Thursday.'

-Woof! Woof! Woof!

-All right, keep focused Hacker.

Let's going checkout this shoe cake, this meringue moccasin, this ...

Well, it's a shoe cake, basically.

Towling's new book is a big story.

But this cake has all the potential of getting

on the front page. I can see the headline now.

It's Bootiful! Bootiful? Did you see what I did there?

Because it's a boot?

Put a CD on. Might as well take our minds off it.

CD player: 'The Castle Of The Seven Hills, by TK Towling.'

This is my favourite. We shouldn't think about Towling.

'Count Mordron's dark, chiselled face,'

'part-hidden by a sombre hood, gleamed in the moonlight.'

'He fixed his gaze upon Billy and said...'

OFF-KEY MUSIC INTERRUPTS STORY.

What's this? Is that you singing?

You've recorded over my favourite story.

Hacker, you know what? You should enter Britain's Got Talent.

-And audition for Simon

-Howl!

There comes a time in a journalist's life, Hacker,

when he has to choose between photographing a small cake

that looks slightly like a training shoe

or securing the scoop of the century from the biggest-selling author in the world.

Stuff the cake!

Hacker, set the Sat Nav for the home of TK Towling.

Oh, there's Selina from the Gridlington Gazette!

She won the Golden pencil award three years in a row.

-Selina?

-Digby Digworth.

What a surprise.

No village fetes to open? No cakes baked in funny shapes?

Cakes baked in funny shapes! No, no, Selina.

I leave that to the junior reporters.

I've got more important cakes to Fry. Fish! Fish, to fry.

-So you're here to interview Ms Towling?

-Naturally.

So am I. What time's your interview?

You know what? I can't even remember.

Oh really? I think you'll find that my interview is in five minutes.

I'd better dash.

Don't forget your pass.

You won't get into the grounds without it. Ciao! Mwah! Mwah!

Good old Selina. There she goes.

The picture of confidence.

That's what we need, Hacker. Come on.

My pass!

It was here a minute ago.

Must be somewhere else.

-What is it, Hacker?

-Woof! Woof!

HACKER GROWLS

Oh no, it must have got caught on her coat!

That is my pass, officer.

-20 quid.

-Sorry, sir?

-30?

-40 and a CD of a dog singing.

-HACKER SINGS

Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

We've got to get in there, Hacker.

Oh, I think I just spotted a window of opportunity.

A ladder to success.

A way to wipe out defeat and...

We are going to pretend to be window cleaners. Follow me.

Right, we're in. Now, which one's her study? Bingo!

Nice and quiet.

I won't be needing this.

Front page here we come.

Now, I'm keeping the manuscript in this special box

and, of course, I can't let you actually read it.

-It's top secret.

-Of course, Miss Towling. Don't worry.

This will be a very personal interview.

Before we start, do you think I could have a glass of water?

Of course! Won't be a moment.

Digby! What are you doing!?

Work experience.

Ms Towling will be keen to find out

that her window cleaner is a reporter

Not as keen to find out that another reporter is trying to get

-a preview of her latest book.

-Huh! HE SCREAMS

Here we are.

Please, take a seat.

What is really interesting is that I never really set out to be a writer.

Of course, it was in my blood and it was where my passion lay,

but I never really had the confidence

until I started working with children in my twenties.

-And reading them stories out loud...

-WASP BUZZES

Hacker, it's only a wasp. Stop being such a child.

Somebody help me! There's a wasp!

I'm so sorry, Ms Towling, could I bother you for an aspirin?

-I'm being bothered by a bit of a headache.

-Of course. Won't be a tick.

Wasp! There's a wasp!

Very clever, Digby, pretending to be a window cleaner,

but your act needs a bit of a polish.

What's the matter, Selina? Frightened of a bit of competition?

-Here we are.

-Thanks.

Now, where were we?

-Telling me about your first book.

-Of course, yes.

(Get the manuscript!)

Hacker, this is no time for your doggie bank.

Alright, it's time for your doggie bank.

I had no idea how successful it would be.

And then the third book came out

which seemed to go down very well, very well indeed.

By then we realised the international appeal.

Very humbling. Very humbling indeed.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Sorry, what's that?

Sounds like a smoke alarm.

-Sounds more like a mobile phone to me.

-Must just be a car alarm.

-Hello?

-Where's the picture of the shoe cake?

The shoe cake? Oh, the shoe cake, as a matter of fact,

I'm looking at it right now, sir.

Looking at it? What's the point in just looking at it? How big is it?

Oh, I'd say, size seven, sir.

Size seven? That all? What does it look like?

Stylish but practical. Hard wearing. The sort of thing

you would wear to a business meeting or certain social gatherings.

What are you blethering on about Digworth?

It sounds like you are describing an actual shoe.

Don't be ridiculous, sir.

I'd better go because it's beginning to melt.

Hacker, we need to get out of here.

But no, I am who I am.

That's why I like to keep my charity work separate.

It's part of who I am also, but it's very sacred to me.

So I don't often put that into the public eye.

Now that was close. I have to say, Hacker,

that your idea of dressing up as window cleaners

was not a good one. In fact it was rubbish.

Now we need a more subtle approach. Remember, Hacker,

every top reporter needs a source.

No, Hacker, a source of information!

Sid the Source.

Over 'ere!

-Wow, great disguise, Sid.

-Thanks.

It's amazing. Your lips aren't even moving.

You've even make yourself feel like stone. He's a genius!

-Idiot! Over 'ere!

-Oh, sorry, Sid.

I need the low-down on TK Towling. Her interests? Her big passion?

-CLEARS THROAT

-Doggie bank, Hacker.

My first is in tea, but not in cake.

My second is in orange, but not in fake.

-My third...

-There's no time for riddles.

There's always time for riddles. Where's your sense of fun?

My third is in pot, but not in vase.

My fourth is in igloo, but not in cars.

Hope you're getting all this down, Hacker.

Let's see what we've got, shall we?

Flibbertigibbet Hoskins?! That can't be right.

Sid? Sid?

T-O-P... TOPIARY! What's topiary, Hacker?

Making shapes out of hedges? That must be her big hobby.

-Come on Hacker, it's time we

-shaped up!

OK, this is the plan.

You try and distract her by doing a fantastic piece of hedge clipping

or topiary, and I'll try and get a peek at the manuscript.

Writing, of course, has always been my greatest passion,

second only to topiary.

My, that new gardener is certainly worth his weight in gold.

-Marvellous clipping.

-What are you doing?

Remember that sneaky peek you took at the manuscript? It's all in here.

-This is quite marvellous.

-More clipping!

You really take some shots, Selina.

Don't worry, Ms Towling, I'm getting everything.

Ms Towling, erm, tell me,

what if you were to lose the only copy of your latest book?

Very good question, Selina. Let me let you into a little secret.

The manuscript in the box is actually a dummy.

The real one's in my study for security reasons.

So many people wanted to get hold of the manuscript

before the publishing date, I had to take precautions.

Never trust a journalist, eh?

That's a very good idea.

One copy of a priceless book,

and you've turned it into a French poodle.

Actually, that's quite nice.

HACKER GROWLS

Write the book myself?!

Do you know what you're suggesting, Hacker?

It's two hours to Towling's reading

and you're telling me to write the book myself?

Have you gone stark raving...? I will write the book myself.

Billy Watson And The Martian Magician by Digby D...

TK Towling. Chapter One.

Billy Watson got up, and he was walking along,

you see, and what happened was, he found this wand, didn't he?

It was a wand of doom!

HACKER GROWLS ANGRILY

What? Go on then.

Night fell and the stars appeared

like a mantle of diamonds across the dark, velvet sky.

Rubbish! You leave this to me, Hacker.

Billy then had some baked beans on toast.

He liked baked beans on toast.

Sometimes he had salt and pepper on it. But not today.

Only pepper today!

Well, thank you so much, Ms Towling.

-It's been an honour.

-Not at all.

It's quite rare to meet a reporter of your calibre.

-You must come to the reading at the Pilbury Theatre.

-Delighted!

If you could just put the real manuscript

inside for me, I'll set off.

It would be a pleasure.

And so, Billy climbed the wooden hill

to Bedfordshire and went to sleep.

The End.

There. They'll never know the difference.

I quite fancy myself as a novelist, Hacker. It's easy.

The most important thing is to write from the top of the page down.

-The reading's in half-an-hour. We gotta get to the theatre.

-Digby!

Still here? Quite a day for you, eh?

Single-handedly destroying the publishing sensation of the decade.

She's going to open an empty box in front of viewers.

SHE GASPS Calm down, Digby.

So, the box is empty, is it?

-What's that?

-I wrote another one.

It's quite good it's got chapter headings.

But we've got to get it to her. My whole career depends on this.

Follow me. Us reporters must stick together.

You're a diamond. I won't forget this.

Neither will I. I think I just found my front page.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand Theatre.

In a few minutes' time, Ms TK Towling will read from her book,

Billy Watson And The Martian Magician.

APPLAUSE

-Good luck, Miss Towling.

-Thank you, Selina.

I bet you feel really good,

knowing that the real copy of your book is safely inside that box.

Could you imagine what tomorrow's front pages

-would look like if it wasn't?

-Yes, I can.

Do excuse me for a moment, won't you?

You really mix it up for that Digby.

Oh, it's you, Selina. Where's the box?

There's so much stuff back here.

It's just there on that table.

All you have to do is put yours inside.

She won't know the difference. It's a masterpiece.

I've got her style down to a tee.

Oh, good. When she reads it out

in front of millions of people, it will provoke a huge reaction.

It's bound to. But how am I going to get it in...?

FEEDBACK SQUEALS

Ladies and gentlemen, as a special surprise,

the great magicians Digbino and Hackerini will perform

some international wizardry before TK Towling reads from her book.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ha-ha-ha!

Mission accomplished! Yeah! I dunno what this is.

Well done, Digby.

Now, we can just sit back and enjoy the reading.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms TK Towling.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Just a little bit of a problem.

-Eh?

This seems to be the actual manuscript.

-Funny, that.

-It can't be. Hacker shredded that in the garden.

It was a white manuscript with a title down the... Oh no!

What have I done? I'm going to have to get this back in the box.

Ladies and gentlemen, more incredible wizardry

from Hackerini and Digberino.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Without further ado, Ms TK Towling!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, Selina. You saved the day.

Just to save any more confusion, why don't you rip your manuscript up?

You're right. That way, there will be no more mistakes.

"Billy Watson got up. And he was walking along, you see,

"and what happened was, he found this wand, didn't he?

"It was a wand of doom. Help, he said."

I'm sorry. "Then there was this sort of adventure.

"Really good, like." What is this? This isn't my book! Where's my book?

AUDIENCE GASPS

Ms Towling.

I don't know what to say.

But I suppose an autograph's out of the question?

Ah, hot off the press, Simon.

Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

Reporter's reputation in tatters?!

Digby DIGWORTH!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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