Hair-Brained Scheme Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Wherever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P. #

ALARM BLEEPS

ALARM BLEEPS

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

WAKE UP!

PAPER BOY!

You're watching aerobics for dogs.

Stretch your paws!

And to the left, two, three, four.

And to the right, two, three four.

Curl your tail! And twist and pat and sniff.

There you are, Hacker, you can see what an ace reporter I am.

My story is on the front page yet again -

"Reporter reduces road to rubble."

I can't see what all the fuss is about, there's plenty more roads.

Anyway, I've nearly finished putting it back together again.

There you are, it's just like a giant jigsaw puzzle, really...

With a few pieces missing.

And twist and pant and sniff,

and twist and growl and pant and sniff.

And twist and pant and sniff.

Still trying to keep fit, eh?

Luckily, I don't have to take part in

all that exercise codswallop. I look after my body.

No, I do.

I eat five portions of fruit a day and plenty of nuts.

Yeah, in chocolate.

And twist and pant and sniff. And twist and pant and sniff.

And twist and pant and sniff.

We'll be back after these ads.

Hold on to your trousers, because Cheesenburger is back.

Wow, it's the new Kent Cheesenburger film!

That man doesn't know the meaning of the word fear...

Which is probably why he failed all of his exams.

In Mission Combat Two,

Cheesenburger must do battle with his evil twin brother.

Prepare for Double Cheesenburger.

Know what?

I reckon any minute now that phone's going to ring and it'll be

Max telling me to go to Hollywood for an exclusive interview with

Kent Cheesenburger.

He's gonna phone any moment now.

No, he will.

I know he will.

I tell you what, I'll phone him to check he's gonna phone me.

-Simon, get in here. I've got some paperwork.

-TELEPHONE

-Hi, Max, it's Digby.

-Who?

Digby Digworth. You must remember me, you said I

stood out from all the fools, idiots and boneheads who work for you.

Yeah, that's because you were the only one that was all three.

-Oh, cheers!

-Listen, Digby,

I've got some important paperwork to be getting on with.

Ah, yes. Mmm.

See, Digby, to make it

big as a reporter, you've got to hit all your targets.

'You are on hold, you are currently first in the queue

to be shouted at by Max De Lacy.

Yay!

Digby, I've got a story for you.

If I was to say Kent Cheesenburger, exclusive interview and Hollywood,

I wouldn't be a million miles off the mark, would I, sir?

-No, you wouldn't.

-I knew it!

Yeah, you'd be a hundred billion miles off the mark.

You're going to report on a local hotel which has won a record

eight awards for its cleanliness.

-Cleanliness?!

-Yeah. They swept the boards!

And vacuumed the carpet and found those crumbs behind the sofa!

Just go and interview the manager. The hotel's called the Parkside

-and her name is Mrs Green. Understood?

-Of course.

I'm to park down the side of the green and interview the manager.

-Now, does she have a name?

-I just told her you name, you fool, Green!

Youfool Green, now that is an unusual name!

Right, Hacker, this story is about cleanliness.

That shouldn't be too difficult.

Come on, Hacker, the news is out there, it just needs sniffing out.

I smell a scoop!

Hacker, I have to say, I'm not so sure about this story.

Hotels are so boring.

I mean, they were so unreasonable, that last one we stayed at.

All right, so I was playing my trombone at three in the morning.

'This is Dog FM, broadcasting to dogs everywhere.

'And please remember, your owner is for life and not just for Christmas.

'Sure, he's no longer small, cuddly or cute, but please

'don't abandon him on the street.'

Concentrate, Hacker, we've got to get to the hotel, we haven't got

a minute to waste. Satnav.

So, where are we going?

What do you mean, where are we going? I thought you had the map.

Map? What map?! Should I turn here?

'Yes, turn here. No, I didn't mean turn there. I meant

'turn there.

'Oh, you never listen to me! Try the next road.'

-Yeah, but left or right?

-'Oh, you've missed it now.'

'That's typical! You never listen to a word I say, do you?

'I'm not a taxi service, you know?

'Turn right, and you haven't tidied up your room!

'I said turn left! No, we're not nearly there yet.

'And if your father had got himself

'organised we would never have been in such a mess!'

That must be the manager. Now, remember, her name is Mrs Green.

We don't want her getting browned off with us.

-Hello, Mrs Browned.

-I'm Green.

Oh, are you? I hope it's not serious.

And I hope it's not catching.

I should say right here and now, I don't generally allow any filthy

creatures who might irritate my guests onto the premises.

I can assure you, Hacker is fully house trained.

I wasn't talking about the dog.

I am Digby Digworth from the Pilbury Post, congratulations

on your cleanliness award.

What a coincidence, you like the same chocolate I do!

I was only eating that a few seconds ago.

Right, let's make a start, shall we?

Now, what are your top tips on keeping a place like this spotless?

We leave no stone unturned here.

We even have cleaners who turn the stones and clean them.

I can spot a speck of dust a mile away.

What a coincidence, I can spot a speck of chocolate a mile away.

That's Kent Cheesenburger!

Mr Cheesenburger always stays here. He's holding a press conference.

-Could you get me into it?

-Of course I could, except that

you are a filthy oaf and not fit to lick Mr Cheesenburger's boots.

I expect he will be revealing details of his next British movie.

-It's very hush hush.

-Very Hush Hush, what a great name for a movie!

I must go and take care of Mr Cheesenburger.

Please, the two of you, feel free to leave my premises immediately.

Hacker, did you see that?

Kent Cheesenburger is wearing a wig!

A thatch!

A rug!

A syrup!

His hair is fake!

You see, Hacker, he's famous for his fantastic hair, but it's fake.

Now, what does that mean?

Yes, all right, his hairdresser is going broke. But if I can get

a shot of a bald Cheesenburger, it would be a front-page scoop!

Now, how do we get into his room?

Will you quieten down, Hacker?!

Of course, room service!

Why didn't you think of that?

Eh?

This plan is fool-proof, Hacker.

You push me into Cheesenburger's room, I leap out and take the photo,

nothing can go wrong!

It's perfect.

Will you concentrate, Hacker?

Now push me in!

Room service!

Say Cheesenburger!

Argh!

Oh, dear!

I hate to say this, Kent, but you've really let yourself go.

Shall I refill that for you?

Sweet dreams!

Plan B, Hacker.

We've got to get that wig off. Now, you guide me in.

Now, don't you worry, I won third prize in the Pilbury Pike Contest.

Buddy, seeing as I am in your country, I am going

to try one of the local delicacies.

So can I have ye olde waffle,

with ye olde maple syrup, and can I have the ye olde soda pop with that?

What? A little bit to the right? Is that my right or your right?

So left is right?!

So right is left and left is right?!

Hold on, I think I got something!

Do you want me to go to the right?

But is that your right, my right, or right is left?

Look, I'm gonna go left, right?

GOTCHA!

Hotel security.

Nothing more to see here.

Just carry on.

Hacker.

I think we got away with that, Hacker.

It's all right, it's just an extremely tall pot plant.

Would you just mind telling me what you are doing?!

Mrs Greenfly...

I mean Green,

may I just say that's a lovely hat you have on?

And never come back!

We've got to get into Cheesenburger's room.

I know, we need to consult a source.

Remember, every top reporter needs a source.

No, Hacker, not barbecue sauce, a source of information!

Sid the Source.

Digby! Over here.

Hold on. Is that who I think it is?

Yes, it's a person who gives you what you want.

Great, I'll have two vanilla cones with chocolate sprinkles, please.

Not the ice-cream man, I'm Sid the Source!

-Oh, of course. Any chance I could still have a lolly?

-Could be.

Just tell me what you need to know.

I...

I need to know how to get into Kent Cheesenburger's room.

That's easy. Kent Cheesenburger

is in town because his next movie is going to be directed by Guy Mockney.

-Not Guy Mockney?!

-Yeah, Guy Mockney.

-Really, Guy Mockney?!

-Yes.

Well, well, well - old Guy Mockney.

-Who's Guy Mockney?

-He's that ace young British director.

He directed that gangster cookery film.

Not Lots of Chicken Stock and Two Smoked Haddock?!

Yes, and the thing is Cheesenburger and Mockney

have never met face to face.

-Do you understand what that means?

-Yeah.

-You don't, do you?

-No, I don't.

-It means you could dress up as Guy Mockney.

-Dress up as him?

I don't even know what he looks like.

Hacker, doggy bank. Come on, this is vital information.

Guy Mockney is taller

than a skateboard...

But smaller than an amusement park.

Here's his photo.

This is it, Hacker. The most important thing is we act

like we are VIPs - smooth, suave and sophisticated.

Let's do it.

What is the meaning of this mess?!

Oi-oi, me old saveloy. There's me hand, there's me heart.

-I am here to see Kent Cheesenburger.

-Hang on. Do I know you?

I should hope so, guv'nor, cos I'm not Digby Digworth.

I'm Guy Mockney, the film director.

Of course!

Oh, I do apologise, Mr Mockney.

Kent Cheesenburger said he was expecting you.

Oh, I am a huge fan - your films are fab.

-Oh, good. Could you tell me what they are about, please?

-What?

-Oh, they're proper, they're proper!

-I should warn you there was a local

reporter around earlier - sniffing around, you know,

trying to annoy Mr Cheesenburger. You know the type, I'm sure.

Tall, dark and handsome with a razor-sharp mind?

No, more fat, dim with a stupid grin.

Well, I'll just go up the old apples and pears to Kent's room.

Apples and pears - stairs.

Oh... Of course! I expect your new film with him

will have a few hair-raising moments?

Hair-raising, I should hope so, yeah.

About three inches should do it.

I will see you later, me old china plate.

China plate, mate. Just...

apples and pears.

Remember, Hacker, we've got to get this bald photo.

Guy!

-I'm really excited we're making this movie together.

-So am I, Kent.

Me goose bumps have got goose bumps.

You wanna know why? This movie's got that one thing that's gonna

make it a real blockbuster.

Action, romance, car chases?

No, the words "Starring Kent Cheesenburger" on the poster.

-Tell me something, Guy, do you work out?

-Can't you tell?

I am in peak physical condition.

I'm off peak - it's cheaper.

OK, Mr Mockney, tell me,

what's this movie all about?

Oh, the movie? Ah.

Well, I think it'd be easier if we acted it out.

My assistant can play your glamorous co-star.

I wanted to ask you something about your assistant.

Are all British girls as pretty as she is?

OK, shoot, buddy, I am all ears.

-And no hair!

-You say something about my hair?

No! No, I was talking about your character, he's called... Pierre.

-OK.

-He's a baldy.

-What?!

-No, he's a baddy, it was a typing error.

-I don't wanna play a baddy.

Did I say you wanted to play a baddy? No, you're a hero...

-Yeah, great!

-With no hair.

-What?

-..oplane, no hairoplane to rescue you.

You see, your glamorous girlfriend, she's been kidnapped by

an evil professor!

Great!

-What happens next?

-She's being lowered

into a vat of deadly piranhas. You don't know what to do.

-You're desperate!

-Sounds like I'm tearing my hair out.

No, I do that for you!

This movie is awesome! I don't wanna change anything.

I'll see you downstairs, buddy.

Now, where's my girlfriend got to?

Kent, you are the Cheesenburger...

Going in there is not for the faint-hearted.

If Cheesenburger finds someone in his bathroom, he will tear them

limb from limb with his bare hands.

OK, Hacker, in you go.

# It's easy to see

# There's no one as pretty as me

# His name is Cheesen Cheesenburger... #

Who's that? Is that you, doll?

-Are you back from shopping?

-Yes, it's me, your doll.

Back from shopping.

-Did you buy that new dress you wanted?

-Yes. It's stunning.

You'll barely recognise me in it.

There's the loofah. Oh!

-Where's that towel?

-Oh!

Oh!

Honey, for a five-star hotel, the towels are sure scratchy!

Where's that...

Right, here we are. Mr Cheesenburger's room.

May I say what a real honour

it is having you and Mr Cheesenburger staying with us?

It really was no trouble carrying all of those heavy bags for you.

Come to clean the room, huh?

For your information, I am the hotel manager.

Wow, and they still make you clean?

Lady, you need a new job!

TELEPHONE RINGS

Oh, no, not now!

-What's that noise?

-I don't know,

but I'm going to find out.

Oh!

-WALKIE-TALKIE RINGS

-Yes?

Who's just arrived?

He says he's Guy Mockney?

No, that can't be. Guy Mockney arrived over an hour ago.

Yes, I'm coming down now to sort this out.

Do excuse me, sir.

Digby, did you get the story?

-What do you think?

-Well, I think you're a fool, but you didn't

-answer my question. Did you get the story?

-Of course.

Digby, what's going on?

I can barely hear you.

Digby, explain yourself.

What's going on?

Who's in there?

-Darling, I can explain!

-Who are you calling darling?!

I love you!

I love you too, babe.

Digby, why did you just tell me you love me?

What do you love most about me?

Your beautiful piercing eyes.

Well, quite a few people have said my eyes are my best...

-What's going on?!

-Come on out, babe.

This is outrageous. This is unheard of! This is...

I am just trying on a new outfit.

I want to look my best for you.

Making me feel ill. Urgh!

You always look amazing.

-Come on out, babes.

-Close your eyes.

I want it to be a surprise.

What the...

Some other time, maybe?

Please accept my fulsome apologies, Mr Mockney, but I'm certain whoever

this impostor is, he'll be long gone.

But then again, perhaps not!

Stop! Stop!

Hacker, Cheesenburger's press conference is any moment now.

How are we going to get that wig off?

Hacker? Hacker?

Where's he got gone? Oh, who needs him?

I can think of a great idea all of my own.

And I've got it! All I need is an inflatable kangaroo, an orange,

a hovercraft and a time machine!

No, that'll never work.

Where am I going to get an orange at this time, eh?

Hopeless. There's no way that wig's ever coming off.

First of all, I know your country is small and wet and you're very

honoured to have me here. You may applaud me now.

I'd like to start by announcing that I am going to be starring in

the new Guy Mockney movie.

But that's not why I called this press conference here today.

No, I am announcing that this movie

will be the first time the public can see the real Kent Cheesenburger.

THEY GASP

My story, gone!

From now on, in all my movies, I will be bald and proud.

No, Hacker, no!

SHE SCREAMS

I hate annoying fans!

That's it! I have had enough!

OK, everybody, stay calm.

Keep your hair on!

It's all your fault! You're nothing but a lowlife journalist!

This was a decent hotel before you came in this morning

with your trashy dogs and bald people

and wigs flying all over the place! What are you gonna do?

Get out of my hotel, I never want to see you again!

I never want to see you again!

Ah, hot off the press, Simon?

Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

"Reporter rubbishes local hotel?!"

DIGBY DIGWORTH!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd