Fight Night Scoop

# Time is running out Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it Whenever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop!

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P! #

ALARM BLEEPS

ALARM BLEEPS

SECOND ALARM SOUNDS

Yeuch! One sugar, please, and make it a big one.

HE SPLUTTERS

Paperboy!

GROWL!

Woof, woof, woof!

Hmm!

Ah-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mwah! Ha-ha!

Aagh!

Hacker, do you know whose skateboard this is?

Naagh! Very dangerous things left lying around.

Do you remember last week at the Pilbury rock festival? Yes.

"Dopey Digby The Guitar Smash.

Still, a front page is a front page I suppose.

I just wish it was written by me and not about me

I must be the only reporter who can hold an interview

while doing a kick flick.

Everywhere I go now, skateboards.

I don't know where they're all coming from. Got any ideas? No.

There could be a top story here

Are you listening to me?

Pilbury skateboard peril.

Yes, it's got a nice ring to it

Speaking of which, the editor's due to ring me at any moment.

Dream on!

He said he would. Ooh.

I'm sure he will.

I'll phone him to check he's going to phone me.

PHONE RINGS

Max de Lacey, editor in chief.

'Hi, boss, it's Digby.' Who?

Digby Digworth. Ace reporter, suave and intelligent.

Sorry, wrong number. The only Digby I know is stupid. Simon.

He's complimenting me on last week's story.

However, I've got a job that even you can't muck up.

He's giving me the best job of the week. Thank you, sir

To make it big you have to give people a helping hand.

Hey. Agh!

'What's my assignment?'

Let me give you a clue. Watch out, Mister, it's The Ballista

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Just about. 'Do I have to spell it out for you?'

W-W-E.

W, double E. What?

"Wee."

Ever been? Once or twice.

Consider yourself a new wrestling correspondent. Wrestling?

Like in America? 'Better than that.'

The Pilbury Post is putting on its own wrestling competition.

I want you to interview The Ballista.

He's got a thing about people staring.

Don't look him in the eye. Or else. Or else what?

Simon, hey! Ooh!

Owww!

Oh!

I've got to go and ring that idiot Digby Digworth.

How about that, Hacker?

We're going to interview a big time wrestling star.

We've made it. Let's go and sniff out the story.

I smell a scoop! Wooh!

Ahh!

We've got to interview The Ballista. What could be simpler?

Put the Radio on, Hacker. I feel like some music.

MUSIC PLAYS

'This is Radio Pilbury. Later we'll be bringing you

'live coverage of today's wrestling match between The Ballista -'

'Yes, watch out, mister, it's The Ballista!'

'And contender, The Biter -'

'Biter, biter, dirty fighter.'

The whole town has gone wrestling crazy. How far is it to the stadium?

'Your destination is one mile.

'Proceed for 500 metres.'

'Then turn left.'

'Watch out, mister, it's The Ballista!'

'Yes, tonight's the night, the night for a fight.'

Let's go back to the radio.

MUSIC PLAYS

Remember, The Ballista reacts badly if people stare at him.

Woof! Don't look him in the eyes or you know what will happen to you.

'Waaaargh!' Exactly.

GULP!

Stop the fight! Wrestlers out!

Stop the fight! Wrestlers...

You don't like wrestling, huh?

Don't wanna see Billy The Biter get beat?

Don't want these free tickets then?

It works every time.

Oh!

Hey, chunky!

Huh? Are you referring to me?

Give me a hand with these, will ya?

Back's playing up.

Slipped disc? Slipped up.

Had a run-in with Giant Hammerlock, the roughest wrestler in Redmond.

You'd be surprised what a gut buster drop can do.

No. That's no way to treat the elderly.

Yeah? Well, he deserved it.

Arf-ow-wow!

Stop being silly, Hacker.

Rrrr! Grrr! Woof!

What do you think you're doing

I'm not doing anything.

Wait a minute, "Stop the fight.

What's this? What does it look like?

You can read, can't you?

You should be ashamed. You've come to wreck the wrestling.

You're a wrestling wrecker.

I'm a wrestling wrecker? You admit it.

You can't get one over on Digby D Digworth.

Do you know what the D stands for? Dimwit? Detective.

This is a big event for our town.

We don't need someone like you to sabotage it.

'Digby Digworth? You may enter.

Huh!

Come, Hacker.

Huh! Huh!

We don't want to upset The Ballista.

You know what will happen if we look him in the eye.

Owww!

Exactly. Luckily, I'm on top of the situation. Try those on

There we go. Ha! Ready? Woof!

Whoa!

Mr Ballista! Digby Digworth, top reporter.

Agghhh!

You've heard of me! A reputation spreads.

Aagghhh!

Aaaaghhh!

Aaaaghhh! Wooh!

Oooh! Oh!

Perhaps that's a traditional wrestling greeting. Huh?

I didn't go in there with that did I? Why didn't you tell me? Uh?

How are we going to get back in and get my interview?

Ha!

Aaggghhhh...!

Where is he? Where is my practice partner?

I'm ready to rock and rumble.

..Aaaghhh!

Rargh!

There you are. Huh? Ah! Uh!

Ohh! Oooh!

Ohh!

A bit smaller than I expected.

Still, glad to see you've come prepared.

Ohhh!

Are you looking at me?

I should hope not, too.

Aggghhh!

Exactly.

Grrr! Grrr!

Eek! Oh!

GRRRRRR!

The wrestling wrecker. What's she up to now?

Gotcha!

Not you again! Where are you going with those?

Listen, chunky, don't you know who I am?

Yes - a wrestling wrecker. Give those to me.

Give! Oh!

Oh, yeah! Watch out, Mister.

I'm The Ballista.

Agghhhh!

Grrr! Aaghhh!

Aggghhhh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Give! Give! Oh!

Agh!

You got a lot of guts for a little fella.

Doesn't say much, does he, eh?

It's you. About earlier.

Is he with you? Yeah? Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

Oooh!

So, the interview is back on? Sure.

Just one thing. You've got to take off those dark glasses

They make you look kind of stupid.

Maybe it wasn't the glasses.

Ha-ha-ha!

Remember, whatever you do, don't look him in the eye.

Oh! I hear dumb-bells calling.

I never said a word.

You guys OK to chat on the circuit? I got to go train.

No problemo.

So how did you get into wrestling?

It's in my blood. Ma and Pa were both great wrestlers.

They must have been proud when little Blister burst onto the scene.

It's Ballista. Are you one of those guys who wants to wind me up?

No. I can look you straight in the eye and say that.

But I wouldn't. Your ear, maybe

Anyway, wrestling is all pretend, isn't it? Oh, sure.

This is a pretend wrist lock. Agh!

A pretend shoulder lock. Agh!

Oh!

And this is a pretend head lock Agh! What do you think?

It's very realistic.

Like you say, it's only acting You're a natural.

Hacker, give me some water.

It's blocked. Oh!

What's the matter with it?

Agh! My foot, my foot! I've broken my foot.

That's a great catchphrase. "Me foot, I've broken me foot."

My foot! Oh, you mean you have broken your foot?

BELL RINGS

Oh?

Oh! My foot! Agh!

Digby? What's that noise? Sounds like someone is in agony

No, it's only me, boss. Aagh! That's all right.

I thought you had done some terrible injury to our star, The Ballista.

Ha! Agh!

Hang on.

Eurgh! Agh! Eurgh!

Agh! Eugh!

This is a big event for the Pilbury Post.

Sponsorship is costing us a fortune. The fight's off. What's off?

The lights. The lights are off. Nothing to worry about.

This place is a joke. I'm out of here.

See what he's got to say at this pre-fight press conference

Don't muck it up.

Eurgh! Agh!

The press conference, Hacker. It's all right. Don't panic.

This top reporter still has one last ace up his sleeve.

What we need is a source.

No, Hacker, not brown sauce.

A source of information.

Sid the source.

You looking for me? Sid. Who else are you expecting? Homer Simpson?

I've got a problem. Don't worry I can get you a new shirt.

No, that's not my problem. You reckon?

The Ballista has hurt his foot there's no one to face the press.

You know me. Always happy to help. Hacker, doggy bag.

Hold this for a minute, will you?

What do you really know about wrestling?

Nothing. More than I thought.

You've got two problems. No wrestler and no match.

Exactly. What can I do?

Get someone to stand in for the Ballista.

Brilliant, Sid. Who?

You. Me?

But I don't look anything like him. You might as well suggest Hacker.

With the right disguise.

Come on, Hacker.

I was going to say there's a stall over there

I'm never setting foot... Hey! Mom! Mom!

Not before time! What are you doing in the closet?

Not looking for a mop. That's for sure.

It was that incompetent reporter Digby Digworth.

He put me in there.

He did that to you? he put you in the closet? He surely did.

I bet it was that hairy little fella put him up to it.

Hairy little fella? He's a dog

Oh!

Just like his father...

SHE MUMBLES

No one does that to my mom and gets away with it.

Digby Digworth, your days are numbered.

Watch out, Mister, here comes The Ballista.

Hacker, with luck we might get away with this press conference

That balloon has given us height.

I hope nobody notices the lack of hair.

Grr!

BANG

Huh? What was that? Not to worry.

Probably nothing important. Let's do it.

'Finally I'd ask, please do not look the Ballista in the eyes.

'Or else...'

ALL GASP

'Exactly.'

Mr Ballista, have you had some sort of training accident

Oh, that.

No, nothing to worry about. Nothing major.

You don't look too good.

They've noticed the lack of hair.

I wanted a change of image so I chopped it off.

It had been getting on my nerves, to be honest.

Huh?

SCREAMS

Now, are there any more questions?

No?

Oh! Let's go and find the real Ballista. Oh!

'Mr Ballista, please report immediately -

'the wrestling bout starts in five minutes.'

CHEERING

'What a night for a fight!

'Sponsored by the Bilberry Post This is the Bilberry no holds,

'featuring the two hottest stars of the moment.

'First up, baddest of the bad guys, it's The Biter!

CROWD: Biter, Biter, Dirty Fighter!

'They sure hate him here, but does he care?

CROWD: Dirty Fighter...

'I don't think so.'

Dirty Fighter!

'I can't hear you!

'Louder!'

Biter, Biter. Dirty Fighter!

'And at 6 feet 8 inches of pure muscle, it's the Ballista!'

Mister, mister, here comes the Ballista.

'Louder!'

Here comes the Ballista!

'Where is he?

'Wow!

'Well, amazing what a spell away from the ring can do for you.

'Still, I'm sure he still packs a punch.

Watch out, Mister, we want the Ballista!

Grrrr!

Keep half an eye out for that wrestling wrecker.

There he is. The one that puts you in with the brooms.

I'm going to make a clean sweep out of him.

I'll go check the lighting.

You know how they always make you look so pasty.

'That's it. It's show time!'

Hello. How do you do?

Grrr! Aargh!

Ah! Just in the nick of time. Am I glad to see you?

Obviously, I'm not looking at you.

It seems we have one person too many in this ring.

You're right, I'll be off.

Not you.

Ohhh!

'Remember, Hacker, keep half an eye out for that wrestling wrecker.

'We don't want her ruining things. We're doing this for Pilbury.'

What have I done?

You locked my mom in the closet

Your mum? I thought she was a fight protester.

What? Perhaps I could just say sorry

Sure - after I've broken every bone in your body.

Hacker, Hacker!

'Hang on! That wasn't on the schedule, but do we care? No!

'It looks like Double Trouble.

'Let's get ready to rumble!'

CHEERING

Hacker.

Hey, that's my boy!

Woof! Oh! Grr!

Rrrr! Owww!

Owww!

Aaggh! Aaggh!

'That's got to hurt.'

Hacker!

Hacker!

Grrr! Rrrrr!

Here, boy. Jockey drop.

Oh! Oh! Grrr!

Grr! Grr!

'I have to say this has the ingredients to be a knockout.

'Two athletes at the top of their game.'

You want it? Huh? Huh? Come on

'This is the hammer throw, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm the Ballista!

Come on!

'OK, here we go.

'Ooh, that's got to hurt!

Hacker.

Woof!

Woof! Grrr!

Wooof! Rrrr!

Help!

Would this be a good time to give up?

Aargh!

One. Hacker!

Rrrrrr!

Wooooof!

Oww! Rrr! Grrr!

Hacker. Huh?

Grab the camera.

Argh! And two!

Smile for the camera.

What are you doing?

Aargh! Please!

And three!

No! Whatever you do, don't look him in the eye.

Get a picture. I sense a front page.

No!

Mom, he did it. Nasty Digby did it. Boo-hoo!

See what you've done now! That always happens.

You... You...bully.

Ah, hot off the press, Simon.

Another award-winning front page no doubt.

"Wrestler reduced to tears by Dodo Digby."

Digby Digworth...!

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