Cat-Astrophe Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Wherever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop, got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P. #

HE SNORES

ALARM BEEPS

ALARM BEEPS

Mmm, where's my hundreds and thousands?

Paper boy!

GROWL!

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

'Try new Kattikins cat food,

'not just for kittens but older cats, too...'

HACKER GROWLS

I got my front page story, Hacker.

Well, sort of.

"Castle chaos, reporter Digby Digworth is at the centre

"of a sandstorm after plunging into a sand castle competition."

I wonder if they've printed my apology?

HACKER BARKS

Hacker, what are you doing?

Oh, I see. Still got an issue with cats, have you?

We need to deal with this once and for all, right, because you

are my assistant and you have to be professional just like me.

"Be Kind To Kitty."

That's what is it is. It's a self-help manual for dogs in denial.

"Get your dog used to being around cats.

"Start with a picture or maybe..." just maybe "..a soft toy."

Meet Fluffy.

Miaow.

You like me, don't you, Hacker?

ARGH!

All right then, plan B.

Hello, Hacker, I am Cuddles the kitten.

Would you like to play with me?

HACKER GROWLS

Yes, yes, sympathy. Good point.

The trouble with you, Hacker,

is you don't know what it's like to be a cat,

which is why I got this state-of-the-art cat suit.

You don't have to wear it all the time, just an hour a day.

HACKER GROWLS

-Five minutes?

-HACKER GROWLS

-HACKER SNARLS

-Two minutes? Ten seconds!

Argh!

-Stop!

-HACKER SNARLS

I think we made some good progress there.

I wonder what earth-shattering story Max has lined up for me, eh, Hacker?

It's bound to be something exciting for a reporter

of my calibre, don't you think? He's going to phone any moment now.

No, he will. I know he will.

I tell you what, I'll phone him just to check he is going to phone me.

-PHONE RINGS

-What is it?

-Hello, Max, it's Digby.

-Do you mind going on hold?

-I've got a couple of minutes.

-I was thinking more in terms of years.

-Oh.

-We're very busy,

putting the finishing touches to our new headquarters.

-Any news on the helipad?

-That sounds exciting!

It's state-of-the-art, fully digital newsrooms, revolving restaurant.

-Where's it going to be?

-It's in reception.

So the whole wide world can see it.

I didn't use instructions, I made it up out of my own head.

But we've run out of yellow bricks - my favourites.

I was just wondering if you had a story for me?

Yes. Go to the photographic studio. Celebrity press conference at 10.

Celebrity! Who is it?

I don't know, her off the telly,

she's done a bit of modelling or something.

-She's signed a big ad contract.

-Thank you, Max, you're the best.

This is a brilliant break for me.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't got time for all of your fawning and flattery.

-I'm sorry.

-Write it down for me, I'll enjoy it later.

Sir, bad news. They couldn't build the helipad, they've just got this.

I can't put that on the roof. We'll be a laughing stock!

This is it, Hacker, this is what my whole life's been leading up to.

This is why I became a journalist.

Celebrity gossip...

pop stars, film premieres...

Our whole life is about to change forever!

It is Tuesday, isn't it? Remind me to put the bins out tonight.

Come on, Hacker, I smell a scoop!

Right, Hacker, our celebrity scoop awaits.

We mustn't forget about your cat therapy.

Listen to this podcast, it will help soothe you.

-MAN SINGS

-..Sorry!

'Hello there, little doggie.

'You think you hate cats. you don't.

'You love cats. Cats are your friends, not your enemy.

'Do not bark, do not growl.

-'Go over and stroke them...'

-HACKER GROWLS

'..That's it.'

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks

but there's already a change in you, Hacker. Well done.

Set the satnav for the studio.

Cat-nav mode selected.

Yes, in a couple of days you'll have forgotten about cats.

'Black and white cat next left.'

'Good shot. Furry cat approaching in ten metres...'

That's funny, why's it taking us this way?

Stop it! I'll buy you a pizza.

Ah, the press. It's the paparazzi.

No, his is the pepperazzi, I'm the ham Hawaiian.

I mean, you're here for the celebrity interview.

-Yeah, can't wait to meet her.

-You're not taking him in.

-Why not?

Mm... why not?

Come on, Hacker.

Remember, Hacker, we're here to interview a celebrity

who we must treat with respect.

I've always believed journalism is about honesty -

that and massive front-page headlines.

Oh, that's...

HACKER GROWLS

That's the celebrity?!

All right, remember everything I've taught you.

No, about cats. Remember?

'Cats are your friends, not your enemy.

'Do not bark, go over and stroke them.'

All right. Come on, you.

HACKER GROWLS

CAT MIAOWS

HACKER BARKS

Terribly sorry, he's a bit overexcited.

Gordon, I thought I told you to watch the door!

Sorry, dear, he must have sneaked past me.

Well, if you're all ready,

I'm delighted to announce that darling Tabitha has signed a deal

with Kattikins cat food for a series of adverts.

-Can I ask...?

-Tabitha isn't answering questions at the moment.

She's getting into her part.

Suffice to say that my husband and I are absolutely delighted.

-Aren't we, Gordon?

-Delighted, we really are.

Gordon, is Tabitha's milk ready?

-Yes, dear.

-Can I take some photos?

Of course, but no flash, Tabitha doesn't like it.

A-atchoo!

Sorry, I must be allergic to cats.

-Gordon, you haven't tested the temperature!

-Sorry, dear.

-22 degrees C, OK?

-It'll do.

Atchoo!

I told you, no flash.

-Oh, Tabby! What have you done?

-It was him.

Me?! I was nowhere near her.

-I knew you were trouble.

-It's a disgrace, my dear.

-Shut up!

We've got another photo shoot at 2.

I'll see if she's gone home. You idiot!

Oh, dear! Poor little Tabitha.

Right, come on, Hacker, we are going to find that cat.

Not if I get there first. I've had it up to here with that flea bag!

I've been thinking, Hacker, to capture this cat

we need to be logical and scientific.

Here you are. Eh. It's obvious.

If she advertises the stuff, she's bound to like it.

HACKER GROWLS

What did I tell you? Let's go.

There she is, Hacker.

-HACKER GROWLS

-Will you stop that? Remember...

'Cats are your friends, not your enemy.

'Do not bark, go over and stroke them.'

Quietly.

A-atchoo!

Not my fault I've got a cat allergy!

-One of us will have to go up.

-HACKER HUMS A TUNE

All right. But YOU can pull the rope.

All right, Hacker!

Come on, put your back into it.

Pull!

Keep pulling. Or I'll trade you in for a St Bernard.

Only joking!

Heave!

You can't just leave me dangling here.

Hacker, think of something.

To get me down!

TYRES SQUEAL

A-a-a-argh!

A-a-a-argh!

CRUNCH!

DOORBELL RINGS

One cat, as promised.

-Tabitha, you're safe.

-Now, I...

I fitted her with a tracking device on her collar.

-Look who's back!

-Oh, you have found the dear little thing.

Yeah, no thanks to you.

If she goes missing again, you can track her with this.

She won't go missing again.

Oh, she's scratched one of her claws. Gordon, the three M's -

makeover, manicure, massage.

Yes, dear.

You won't be needing this.

You're going on a little trip, Tabitha. I've got you a ticket...

one way to Brazil.

You deserve an extra special reward for finding Tabitha.

All in a day's work for an ace reporter.

Great.

Isn't that nice...?

Here, you can have that, Hacker.

-Oh, no...!

-Good boy.

-Darling, Tabitha's got away again.

-What?!

-Sneaked out the bathroom window when I was shampooing her.

-Oh, you fool!

No worries, we'll soon have her back. Hacker, track her.

TRACKING DEVICE BEEPS

HACKER SNIFFS

She's got to be near - we're getting a strong signal.

TRACKING DEVICE BUZZES

Got her.

Tabitha. ..Tabitha.

Come out. Tabitha... Help me, Hacker. ..Hacker!

LOUD BURP

I think Tabitha's in that box.

Brazil is nice and warm, you know, Tabitha.

You like the warm, don't you?

And it's full of lovely people and wildlife and carnivals.

But d'you know the best thing about it?

It's 6,000 miles away!

TABITHA MIAOWS

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, how dare you!

Oh, how dare you! Take that, you horrible little dog.

It's my granddaughter's birthday.

You've ruined her cake...!

Oh!

Oh, no! Where's my hat?

Oh, no, Tabitha! Tell me it isn't true.

She's got a photo shoot. What can we do -

inflate her with a bicycle pump?

-Surely things can't get any worse.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Digby, how's it going?

-Tremendously well, sir.

-Good.

Get that cat round to the office later.

I want to take a few snaps with my new camera.

I don't think she can, she's a bit flat out at the moment, sir.

-Excellent, that's settled, See you at 5.

-Yeah, but...

Well, that's it.

I'm going to emigrate.

No, hang on, Hacker. All is not lost.

Remember, every top reporter needs a source.

No, Hacker, a source of information.

Sid the Source.

Pssst, Digby.

Just the man we wanted to see. ..Well, you know what I mean.

What did you want to see me about?

There's an advertising campaign that starts today for Kattikins cat food.

Is there? I wouldn't know anything about that.

Doggie bag, Hacker.

We were looking after the cat in the advert, but she's gone to ground.

-Disappeared.

-Oh, dear, you ARE going to be in the kitty litter!

This is serious. I need your advice.

I'll give you some. Change your shirt and have a wash.

You have a distinct whiff of cat food about you.

I mean, about the missing moggy.

HACKER GROWLS

-All you need do is get an identical replacement.

-Where from?

-There you go.

-You cute little bundle of fluff.

CAT SCREECHES

Sid, she...!

Come on, Hacker.

One miaow, and I'll convert you to a pair of slippers.

Right, let's get her straight to the studio.

-No-one will know the difference.

-CAT SCREECHES

I tell you what, YOU get her out.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Have you found her?

-Yes, we've...

Oh, thank goodness. How is she?

-Oh, fine, relaxed, content.

-What's that screeching noise?

-Bad line.

-She should be at the studio by now.

Yes. But we'll...

-Are you sure she's all right?

-Yes! Seeing as she's late,

we'll take her to the studio. No need for you to be there. Bye.

Haven't you got her out yet?

Well, if she won't come out, there's only one thing for it.

Cat suit.

Oh, she's forgotten her aromatherapy candles.

She can't be creative without her lavender and jasmine.

Er, where are you going with that basket?

I thought I'd take some washing to the launderette.

We have a perfectly good washing machine.

-It's broken.

-It's on now.

TABITHA MIAOWS What was that?

-The machine. I told you... it's making a funny noise.

-Ah.

Well, you can drop me off at the studio.

They've found Tabitha, isn't that wonderful news?

Wonderful, dear.

All sorted, Hacker. We do the advert, then take this thing

back to Mrs Frobishire. She won't notice the difference.

CAT SCREECHES

Things are looking up, eh, Hacker?

HACKER SNARLS

Oh, I think you're wanted on set.

HACKER GROWLS

A-atchoo!

OK, Tabitha, brilliant. Gorgeous.

Can you look straight at me?

Can we get a shot of you eating some of the food?

A shot of you eating some of the cat food...

HACKER GROWLS

Just leave it to me, she's just a bit nervous. That's all.

Come on. Look, just have a little bit of it, it's delicious.

Look, yum-yum!

Me? No, I've just had my lunch.

All right...

See...?

Now, that's... lovely.

Feel those flavours just... What is that?

"Liver and heart."

Excuse me...

Empty the washing out of that basket, she might want a little sleep later.

-Where's darling Tabitha?

-Very busy, can't see anyone.

Nonsense! What about her candles?

-There isn't a power cut.

-They help her get into her part.

She's not playing a birthday cake! She just has to scoff cat food,

anyone can do that. I should know.

She is an artiste,

she does not scoff - she savours.

-HACKER GROWLS

-Oh, just working on her vocal range.

HACKER GROWLS

She's all yours.

Now, come on, Tabitha, stop that. Look who's here to see you.

That is not Tabitha.

It's a new look we're trying out.

Since when does my Tabitha have dog breath and a wet nose?

You can shut up. Where is she?

Wait!

-That's not her.

-Well, if that isn't her, where is she?

Well, it is her... A-atchoo!

-..sort of.

-Oh, go away.

-No, don't...

-CAT SCREECHES

-Oh, you idiot, you've frightened her! Get her down.

-Me?

Yes, now!

I'd never get up there.

-Oh, can't reach.

-Use this.

It's not a lion!

Stand on it.

Almost.

A-atchoo! ..A-a-a-argh!

Oh, you men are hopeless.

Use this to catch her.

TABITHA MIAOWS

What on earth...?

Tabitha!

I KNEW you were up to something.

What are you playing at?

All right. I'm sick of that blasted cat.

It's Tabitha this, Tabitha that. I don't seem to exist any more.

If I'm not rocking it to sleep,

I'm testing its milk or plumping its cushion. I can't take it any more.

There, what have you... got to... say to that?

I'll deal with you when we get home.

Come on, folks, sure we can sort this out.

How about a nice picture for the paper? Come on.

Let's not get upset over a silly old cat, eh?

CAT MIAOWS

CAT SCREECHES

Oh, you poor thing!

I'll pull through.

Not you - the cat!

Oh, look, Gordon -

another darling kitty for you to look after.

Ain't that nice?

Nice?!

There is nothing nice about cats!

I'm in tatters.

I'm covered in cat food, I have eaten cat food

and I can't stop sneezing.

I hate cats!

And I hate dogs, too!

HACKER GROWLS

Ah, hot off the press, Simon?

Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

"Pilbury Post Man In Cat-Astrophe"?!

DIGBY DIGWORTH!!