Monk-y Business Scoop


Monk-y Business

Local reporter Digby Digworth is assigned to Pilbury Monastery to cover the monks' organic vegetable stall, but gets a bargain when he discovers a treasure map.


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Transcript


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# Time is running out

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# Stories to be found

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# What's it all about?

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# Got to go and trek around

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# If there's a rumour going round

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# Don't you forget it

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# Wherever something's going down

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that scoop!

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that... #

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HE SNORES

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ALARM BEEPS

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BEEPING

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HE GASPS

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PAPER BOY!

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Ooh, ooh, ah!

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I don't believe it! He's done it again, Hacker.

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I spend hours toiling away writing stories for the Pilbury Post

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and it ends up like a wet dishcloth.

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It's almost as if fate's trying to tell me something.

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-Woof!

-Sorry, Hacker.

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There's your dog biscuits, there you go.

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You know, this is the moment I love, Hacker.

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Seeing the fruits of my work on the pages of Pilbury's favourite paper.

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Where are you? Come on.

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Ah! There we are.

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"All tyred out.

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"Broken-down reporter Digby Digworth

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"crashed out of the Pilbury stock-car race yesterday

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"after only eight seconds..." ten, surely!

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"The crowd was in fits

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"as they watched the hapless Digworth spin off the track

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"screaming, 'Mummy!' "

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Still, it's a journalist's job to... entertain his audience

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and I think I can safely say I did that.

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-These cornflakes are a bit stale.

-Yuck!

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Listen, Hacker.

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Any minute that phone is going to go and it'll be Pilbury Post HQ.

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So we have to be alert, ready to spring into action at any time.

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I tell you what, I'll phone him to check he's going to phone me.

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PHONE RINGS

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-Max de Lacey.

-Morning, sir.

-Know what you are, Digworth?

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What does it begin with, sir?

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Ooh! Well, it begins with an X.

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X? Am I a xylophone, sir?

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Ha-ha! No. You're an EX-reporter, Digworth. That's what you are.

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Oh, come on, sir, don't be like that.

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We all have an off day.

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You, Digworth, have an off LIFE!

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To make it big in this world you need to be...well, you need to be me.

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Please, sir, just one more chance!

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Oh, hold on.

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Go on, Simon.

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HE SLURPS

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Mmm!

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Mmm!

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Listen, there's an organic vegetable display over at Pilbury monastery.

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-You can cover that.

-Organic vegetables? I like it!

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There could be front-page material there, sir!

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Huh! Hardly, Digworth.

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Oh, little bit of advice.

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-Why don't you check out the prize cucumber contest.

-Cucumbers?

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Is there a big story involved?

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No, you stand a good chance of winning! Ha-ha-ha!

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Woof!

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Organic vegetables. I like it!

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You know, we don't need new technology to make us happy.

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All we need's a trowel, a spade, and a packet of radish seeds.

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Huh?

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Wow! Is that the new Suki 9000?!

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-Wh...? Grrrr!

-Give it!

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OK. Steady, Digby.

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Concentrate on the mission. Let's go and sniff out a story.

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I smell a scoop!

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OK, Hacker. Set course for the organic vegetable show.

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And get a BLOOMING move on.

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Blooming! Get it?

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Vegetables and fruit!

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-No, it doesn't work, does it?

-No!

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You never know, we might find a potato

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-in the shape of Wayne Rooney's head.

-Woof, woof!

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What do you mean that shouldn't be too difficult? Now, now, come on.

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WOLF-WHISTLE RING-TONE

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I wouldn't use that ring-tone if I were you, Hacker.

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Oooh! Rrrrarr!

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On second thoughts, could you make mine do that?

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Well here we are, Hacker. St Edna's monastery,

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home of the world-renowned St Edna's honey.

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But never mind all that.

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I want a vegetable that looks like a celebrity within ten minutes.

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I won't settle for less than a turnip in the shape of Cheryl Cole,

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and if we can find a carrot that's a dead ringer for Simon Cowell

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we could sell it to a national paper!

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What are you doing?

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You've lost your new mobile?!

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SPLAT!

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Sorry!

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Stop messing about, Hacker! We need to get this shot.

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Oh, no, it's a secret.

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The secret of St Edna's. It's hidden deep in the cellars of the monastery.

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It's pure gold.

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It's been a secret for many centuries.

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If someone got their hands on it, it would be worth a fortune.

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Did you hear that, Hacker?

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There must be gold hidden in the cellars of the monastery!

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That's our story. Don't you understand?

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What do you need to find treasure?

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Of course, a map!

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Ah, now, a map of the basement.

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Now, it's definitely under the east wing.

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I've worked it out. The way down is in the dining hall.

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Six paces from the door, right at the statue of St Edna,

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then it's one pace west and two paces south.

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We have to get it.

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There IS a map!

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I'm sure they'd thank us if we found it and besides,

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think of the front page!

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I'm sure it's just a pipe blockage. Brother Watson used to be a plumber.

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So long as he can locate it using this diagram,

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our drainage problems should be over very soon.

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Right, Hacker, they've gone. This is our chance. Treasure, here we come!

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Go and get the map!

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HACKER GROANS

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Oooh!

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Don't you dare!

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Bah!

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Dodger Dave spotted entering St Edna's monastery.

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Giving chase, over.

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Dodger Dave captured! Repeat, Dodger Dave captured!

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Amendment, Dodger Dave not captured.

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Repeat, Dodger Dave not captured. Monk captured.

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Apologies about to be given.

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Over and out.

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Sorry!

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Mate, sorry.

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Now, Hacker. We've got to get inside without arousing suspicion.

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According to the map, the way into the cellars is via the dining room.

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HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

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Wh...? Aaah! Ahem...

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-Greetings, Brother! I have travelled from afar.

-Ssssh!

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HE MIMES

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Look, forget about the silence. Who are you?

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-A visiting monk in dire need of some grub.

-Dining room first on the left.

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HE SIGHS

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Oooh!

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(Oi!)

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Now, the monk said the entrance was near the statue of St Edna.

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Right. Six paces forward.

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Sssh!

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SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING

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MICHAEL-JACKSON STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

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Psst!

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Somewhere around here, Hacker, is the statue of St Edna.

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Oh! Hey!

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HE SLURPS

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HACKER SNIGGERS

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WOLF-WHISTLE RING-TONE

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You fool! What do you think you're doing?

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'Digworth?'

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Sorry, sir! Not you.

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'What are you up to?'

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-Any exciting stories amongst the honey and scones?

-'It's marvellous!'

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There's some wonderful stuff here!

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-Where are you now?

-'Now?'

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I'm at the vegetable stall

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seeing if there's any photo opportunities.

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Yes, look, right now I'm looking at the biggest turnip

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I've ever seen in my life.

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What does it look like?

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Well, um, a bit misshapen with a big lump in the middle.

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-Well, I better go, sir, cos the turnip's just walked off.

-Digworth!

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Oh, a walking turnip!

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Now that IS a front page.

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You missed a bit.

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MUFFLED GROAN

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(Help me!)

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Uh?

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Whoa! Argh!

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Buh-wuh-wuh!

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Success, Hacker!

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All we need to do is follow the diagrams on the map

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and untold wealth will be ours!

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So you haven't seen anyone acting suspicious recently?

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No, Constable. Brother Peebles did tell me he saw someone

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going down into the cellars, but that must have been Brother Watson.

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We've had some plumbing problems and Brother has a diploma in drainage...

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He's forgotten his wrench!

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He'll need that to reopen the stopcock!

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Excuse me, Constable.

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Stopcock. Nah!

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We've been walking for 20 minutes. We must be getting close.

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Wait a minute, I know this place!

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This is where we came in!

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Call yourself a tracker dog, Hacker?

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TRAPDOOR CREAKS

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HACKER SQUEALS

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Ah! Call themselves holy men?

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Look what they're planning to do to us!

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They want to wrench our ears off!

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Come on, Hacker. Let's skedaddle.

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That front page must be ours!

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Oh, look, this is it, Hacker!

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According to the map, this hatchway leads to the inner sanctum

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where the treasure is located!

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Untold wealth, here we come!

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Oh.

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Hang on... What's he doing?

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Hmm?

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It's all right, Hacker. I know what's going on here.

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-WHISPERS:

-Careful, now, we mustn't give ourselves away.

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They're obviously in the middle of spring-cleaning

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and we mustn't disturb them.

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HACKER SIGHS

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Oh! Sorry! Excuse me, sir, have you seen anyone acting strangely?

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Strangely? Let me think...

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Yes!

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I saw an episode of EastEnders last night. There was this bloke...

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OK. Thank you, sir. Keep your eyes peeled, yeah?

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What a strange woman! We must find this treasure, Hacker.

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All is not lost! Remember, Hacker, every top reporter needs a source.

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No, Hacker, a source of information.

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Sid The Source.

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Psst! Sid?

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It's me.

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Just thought I'd give you a buzz!

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Buzz? Get it?

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-Just get on with it, will you?

-Sorry.

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Bit of a map situation here, Sid. Touch of the Dal Vincey Code.

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So, your code-breaking skills gratefully received.

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Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah!

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Ahem.

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-Doggy bank, Hacker.

-Uh?

-Come on!

-Grrr!

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Well, it looks a bit to me like...

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Like a what?

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-It looks a bit to me like an old sort of plan for...

-Yes?

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-Be here all day at this rate!

-An old sort of plan for...

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BEES BUZZ

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..brass and copper!

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Leading in a spiral formation to...

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..northwards!

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Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.

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So I reckon you'll need this.

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What is it?

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Just turn it three times clockwise, should do the trick.

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Yeah, but I don't know what it... Sid, I...?

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Sid?!

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Know what? This looks to me like a key to unlock the ancient treasure.

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Yeah, no time to waste, Hacker!

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That front page must be ours!

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Come on!

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HACKER SQUEALS

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Are you sure you don't need this, Brother Watson?

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The pipes are very rusted over!

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This is no time for games, Hacker!

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CLATTER!

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He's trying to muscle in on our story!

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Come on!

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This is it, Hacker! This is what Sid was telling us about!

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We have to put this key on here and turn it three times,

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thus revealing the treasure chamber.

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Now, what was it, three turns clockwise?

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METALLIC GRINDING

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RUMBLING

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You hear that, Hacker? It's just like Indiana Jones!

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Are you quite sure you haven't seen anything suspicious, sir?

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-Well, officer, there is one thing.

-OK, now we're getting somewhere.

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-What have you seen?

-A stick of celery here,

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that's the spitting image of Kate Moss.

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I'm beginning to lose the will to live.

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There we are. Any second now we'll get the surprise of our lives.

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PIPES CLUNK

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BANG ECHOES

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LOUD BOOM

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AIR HISSES

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A-a-a-argh!

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Brothers, help me!

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The treasure! Come on, Hacker, let's get the front page set up.

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Prepare your camera!

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Treasure, treasure! Oh, thank you, Brother.

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Now, you set it out in a nice display and we'll get our cameras.

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This is going to make the front page!

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Gentlemen, gentlemen!

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I, Digby D Digworth, have unearthed the ancient treasure of St Edna.

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Quite a scoop, I'm sure you'll agree!

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-Now, where would you like the shots taken?

-What are you babbling about?

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-Aren't you Brother Watson, the plumber?

-No, I'm Brother Digworth,

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the treasure hunter!

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It was all on the map. Just needed a brain to decipher it.

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Map? You blithering idiot!

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That's a plan of the monastery drainage system!

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Drainage system? No!

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Then what was that I overheard about pure gold found in the basement?

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I was talking about the recipe for the monastery honey, you fool!

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We keep it in the basement library!

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Then how come I ended up with a big treasure trove?

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-Oh yes? Well, where is it then?

-I gave it to the monk over there.

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HE TOOTS HORN

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Doesn't seem to be the actions of a holy man!

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That's because that holy man is Dodger Dave, cat burglar!

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Ah, hot off the press, Simon!

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Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

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DIGBY DIGWO-O-O-O-ORTH!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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Local reporter Digby Digworth is given a seemingly hopeless story to cover at Pilbury Monastery: the monks' organic vegetable stall! But treasure hunting skills are called for when Digby discovers an ancient map. Can he unearth the gold and the biggest story of his career or will he just dig himself into a whole heap of trouble?


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