Monk-y Business Scoop


Monk-y Business

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Transcript


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# Time is running out

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# Stories to be found

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# What's it all about?

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# Got to go and trek around

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# If there's a rumour going round

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# Don't you forget it

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# Wherever something's going down

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that scoop!

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that... #

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HE SNORES

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ALARM BEEPS

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BEEPING

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HE GASPS

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PAPER BOY!

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Ooh, ooh, ah!

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I don't believe it! He's done it again, Hacker.

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I spend hours toiling away writing stories for the Pilbury Post

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and it ends up like a wet dishcloth.

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It's almost as if fate's trying to tell me something.

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-Woof!

-Sorry, Hacker.

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There's your dog biscuits, there you go.

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You know, this is the moment I love, Hacker.

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Seeing the fruits of my work on the pages of Pilbury's favourite paper.

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Where are you? Come on.

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Ah! There we are.

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"All tyred out.

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"Broken-down reporter Digby Digworth

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"crashed out of the Pilbury stock-car race yesterday

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"after only eight seconds..." ten, surely!

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"The crowd was in fits

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"as they watched the hapless Digworth spin off the track

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"screaming, 'Mummy!' "

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Still, it's a journalist's job to... entertain his audience

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and I think I can safely say I did that.

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-These cornflakes are a bit stale.

-Yuck!

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Listen, Hacker.

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Any minute that phone is going to go and it'll be Pilbury Post HQ.

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So we have to be alert, ready to spring into action at any time.

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I tell you what, I'll phone him to check he's going to phone me.

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PHONE RINGS

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-Max de Lacey.

-Morning, sir.

-Know what you are, Digworth?

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What does it begin with, sir?

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Ooh! Well, it begins with an X.

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X? Am I a xylophone, sir?

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Ha-ha! No. You're an EX-reporter, Digworth. That's what you are.

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Oh, come on, sir, don't be like that.

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We all have an off day.

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You, Digworth, have an off LIFE!

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To make it big in this world you need to be...well, you need to be me.

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Please, sir, just one more chance!

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Oh, hold on.

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Go on, Simon.

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HE SLURPS

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Mmm!

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Mmm!

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Listen, there's an organic vegetable display over at Pilbury monastery.

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-You can cover that.

-Organic vegetables? I like it!

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There could be front-page material there, sir!

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Huh! Hardly, Digworth.

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Oh, little bit of advice.

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-Why don't you check out the prize cucumber contest.

-Cucumbers?

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Is there a big story involved?

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No, you stand a good chance of winning! Ha-ha-ha!

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Woof!

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Organic vegetables. I like it!

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You know, we don't need new technology to make us happy.

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All we need's a trowel, a spade, and a packet of radish seeds.

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Huh?

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Wow! Is that the new Suki 9000?!

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-Wh...? Grrrr!

-Give it!

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OK. Steady, Digby.

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Concentrate on the mission. Let's go and sniff out a story.

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I smell a scoop!

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OK, Hacker. Set course for the organic vegetable show.

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And get a BLOOMING move on.

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Blooming! Get it?

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Vegetables and fruit!

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-No, it doesn't work, does it?

-No!

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You never know, we might find a potato

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-in the shape of Wayne Rooney's head.

-Woof, woof!

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What do you mean that shouldn't be too difficult? Now, now, come on.

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WOLF-WHISTLE RING-TONE

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I wouldn't use that ring-tone if I were you, Hacker.

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Oooh! Rrrrarr!

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On second thoughts, could you make mine do that?

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Well here we are, Hacker. St Edna's monastery,

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home of the world-renowned St Edna's honey.

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But never mind all that.

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I want a vegetable that looks like a celebrity within ten minutes.

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I won't settle for less than a turnip in the shape of Cheryl Cole,

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and if we can find a carrot that's a dead ringer for Simon Cowell

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we could sell it to a national paper!

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What are you doing?

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You've lost your new mobile?!

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SPLAT!

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Sorry!

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Stop messing about, Hacker! We need to get this shot.

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Oh, no, it's a secret.

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The secret of St Edna's. It's hidden deep in the cellars of the monastery.

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It's pure gold.

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It's been a secret for many centuries.

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If someone got their hands on it, it would be worth a fortune.

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Did you hear that, Hacker?

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There must be gold hidden in the cellars of the monastery!

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That's our story. Don't you understand?

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What do you need to find treasure?

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Of course, a map!

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Ah, now, a map of the basement.

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Now, it's definitely under the east wing.

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I've worked it out. The way down is in the dining hall.

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Six paces from the door, right at the statue of St Edna,

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then it's one pace west and two paces south.

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We have to get it.

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There IS a map!

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I'm sure they'd thank us if we found it and besides,

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think of the front page!

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I'm sure it's just a pipe blockage. Brother Watson used to be a plumber.

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So long as he can locate it using this diagram,

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our drainage problems should be over very soon.

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Right, Hacker, they've gone. This is our chance. Treasure, here we come!

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Go and get the map!

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HACKER GROANS

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Oooh!

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Don't you dare!

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Bah!

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Dodger Dave spotted entering St Edna's monastery.

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Giving chase, over.

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Dodger Dave captured! Repeat, Dodger Dave captured!

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Amendment, Dodger Dave not captured.

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Repeat, Dodger Dave not captured. Monk captured.

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Apologies about to be given.

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Over and out.

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Sorry!

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Mate, sorry.

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Now, Hacker. We've got to get inside without arousing suspicion.

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According to the map, the way into the cellars is via the dining room.

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HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

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Wh...? Aaah! Ahem...

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-Greetings, Brother! I have travelled from afar.

-Ssssh!

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HE MIMES

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Look, forget about the silence. Who are you?

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-A visiting monk in dire need of some grub.

-Dining room first on the left.

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HE SIGHS

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Oooh!

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(Oi!)

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Now, the monk said the entrance was near the statue of St Edna.

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Right. Six paces forward.

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Sssh!

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SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING

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MICHAEL-JACKSON STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

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Psst!

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Somewhere around here, Hacker, is the statue of St Edna.

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Oh! Hey!

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HE SLURPS

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HACKER SNIGGERS

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WOLF-WHISTLE RING-TONE

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You fool! What do you think you're doing?

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'Digworth?'

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Sorry, sir! Not you.

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'What are you up to?'

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-Any exciting stories amongst the honey and scones?

-'It's marvellous!'

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There's some wonderful stuff here!

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-Where are you now?

-'Now?'

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I'm at the vegetable stall

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seeing if there's any photo opportunities.

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Yes, look, right now I'm looking at the biggest turnip

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I've ever seen in my life.

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What does it look like?

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Well, um, a bit misshapen with a big lump in the middle.

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-Well, I better go, sir, cos the turnip's just walked off.

-Digworth!

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Oh, a walking turnip!

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Now that IS a front page.

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You missed a bit.

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MUFFLED GROAN

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(Help me!)

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Uh?

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Whoa! Argh!

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Buh-wuh-wuh!

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Success, Hacker!

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All we need to do is follow the diagrams on the map

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and untold wealth will be ours!

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So you haven't seen anyone acting suspicious recently?

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No, Constable. Brother Peebles did tell me he saw someone

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going down into the cellars, but that must have been Brother Watson.

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We've had some plumbing problems and Brother has a diploma in drainage...

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He's forgotten his wrench!

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He'll need that to reopen the stopcock!

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Excuse me, Constable.

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Stopcock. Nah!

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We've been walking for 20 minutes. We must be getting close.

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Wait a minute, I know this place!

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This is where we came in!

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Call yourself a tracker dog, Hacker?

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TRAPDOOR CREAKS

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HACKER SQUEALS

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Ah! Call themselves holy men?

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Look what they're planning to do to us!

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They want to wrench our ears off!

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Come on, Hacker. Let's skedaddle.

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That front page must be ours!

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Oh, look, this is it, Hacker!

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According to the map, this hatchway leads to the inner sanctum

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where the treasure is located!

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Untold wealth, here we come!

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Oh.

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Hang on... What's he doing?

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Hmm?

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It's all right, Hacker. I know what's going on here.

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-WHISPERS:

-Careful, now, we mustn't give ourselves away.

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They're obviously in the middle of spring-cleaning

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and we mustn't disturb them.

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HACKER SIGHS

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Oh! Sorry! Excuse me, sir, have you seen anyone acting strangely?

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Strangely? Let me think...

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Yes!

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I saw an episode of EastEnders last night. There was this bloke...

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OK. Thank you, sir. Keep your eyes peeled, yeah?

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What a strange woman! We must find this treasure, Hacker.

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All is not lost! Remember, Hacker, every top reporter needs a source.

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No, Hacker, a source of information.

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Sid The Source.

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Psst! Sid?

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It's me.

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Just thought I'd give you a buzz!

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Buzz? Get it?

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-Just get on with it, will you?

-Sorry.

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Bit of a map situation here, Sid. Touch of the Dal Vincey Code.

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So, your code-breaking skills gratefully received.

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Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah!

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Ahem.

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-Doggy bank, Hacker.

-Uh?

-Come on!

-Grrr!

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Well, it looks a bit to me like...

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Like a what?

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-It looks a bit to me like an old sort of plan for...

-Yes?

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-Be here all day at this rate!

-An old sort of plan for...

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BEES BUZZ

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..brass and copper!

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Leading in a spiral formation to...

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..northwards!

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Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.

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So I reckon you'll need this.

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What is it?

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Just turn it three times clockwise, should do the trick.

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Yeah, but I don't know what it... Sid, I...?

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Sid?!

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Know what? This looks to me like a key to unlock the ancient treasure.

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Yeah, no time to waste, Hacker!

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That front page must be ours!

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Come on!

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HACKER SQUEALS

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Are you sure you don't need this, Brother Watson?

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The pipes are very rusted over!

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This is no time for games, Hacker!

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CLATTER!

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He's trying to muscle in on our story!

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Come on!

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This is it, Hacker! This is what Sid was telling us about!

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We have to put this key on here and turn it three times,

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thus revealing the treasure chamber.

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Now, what was it, three turns clockwise?

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METALLIC GRINDING

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RUMBLING

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You hear that, Hacker? It's just like Indiana Jones!

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Are you quite sure you haven't seen anything suspicious, sir?

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-Well, officer, there is one thing.

-OK, now we're getting somewhere.

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-What have you seen?

-A stick of celery here,

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that's the spitting image of Kate Moss.

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I'm beginning to lose the will to live.

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There we are. Any second now we'll get the surprise of our lives.

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PIPES CLUNK

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BANG ECHOES

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LOUD BOOM

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AIR HISSES

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A-a-a-argh!

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Brothers, help me!

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The treasure! Come on, Hacker, let's get the front page set up.

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Prepare your camera!

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Treasure, treasure! Oh, thank you, Brother.

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Now, you set it out in a nice display and we'll get our cameras.

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This is going to make the front page!

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Gentlemen, gentlemen!

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I, Digby D Digworth, have unearthed the ancient treasure of St Edna.

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Quite a scoop, I'm sure you'll agree!

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-Now, where would you like the shots taken?

-What are you babbling about?

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-Aren't you Brother Watson, the plumber?

-No, I'm Brother Digworth,

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the treasure hunter!

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It was all on the map. Just needed a brain to decipher it.

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Map? You blithering idiot!

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That's a plan of the monastery drainage system!

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Drainage system? No!

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Then what was that I overheard about pure gold found in the basement?

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I was talking about the recipe for the monastery honey, you fool!

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We keep it in the basement library!

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Then how come I ended up with a big treasure trove?

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-Oh yes? Well, where is it then?

-I gave it to the monk over there.

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HE TOOTS HORN

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Doesn't seem to be the actions of a holy man!

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That's because that holy man is Dodger Dave, cat burglar!

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Ah, hot off the press, Simon!

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Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

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DIGBY DIGWO-O-O-O-ORTH!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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