The Big Cat Scoop

# Time is running out

# There's stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Whenever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P. #

Ah! Hacker. I've got a good feeling about today.

Today I'm going to get a front-page scoop. I can just feel it.

Right, you get this morning's edition of the Pilbury Post up on the laptop,

while I work some culinary magic.

-Huh?

-A fry-up.

Ah!

# Jitterbug

# Jitterbug

# Jitterbug

# Jitterbug

# You put the boom boom into my heart

# You send my soul sky high when your loving starts

# Jitterbug into my brain Goes a bang bang bang

-# Till my feet do the same. #

-Digby!

# If something's bugging you If something ain't right

# My best friend told me what you did last night

# Left me sleeping in my bed

# I was dreaming but I should have been with you instead

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

# Wake me up before you go-go

# I don't want to miss it when you hit that high

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight

# I wanna hit that high... #

Eh, I were listening to that!

-Let's see how my last story ended up, shall we?

-Stop that!

Here we are. "Reporter wrecks antique haven"?

I am not bumbling

and I would not describe myself as a bull in a china shop.

It was an antiques store and that statue wasn't worth anything.

Remember how the store owner described it?

-Yeah - priceless.

-Exactly.

I don't know what all the fuss was about really.

It's the full works for me and you this morning, old chum.

Delicious toast, browned to perfection,

mouth-watering bacon slices and, the piste of resistance,

fried eggs, sunny side... up.

-HE GASPS

-Where are the eggs?

There are no eggs!

No! No, this can't be happening.

I'm still asleep and it's all some terrible dream.

Pinch me, Hacker.

Ahhh!

All right, it's not a dream. It's a nightmare.

What are we going to do? You can't have bacon without eggs.

It's like watching afternoon telly without a big bag of crisps.

It's like bath time without rubber ducky.

It's like a birthday party without...

-A trowel?

-A trowel? Yes.

What? No! Not a trowel - a cake.

It's like a birthday party without a cake.

Cake.

Ah!

I wonder if we've got any cake.

Ow! Stop going on about cake, Hacker. I don't want cake.

I want eggs to go with my bacon

and no half-empty fridge is going to stop me.

Come on, Hacker. We're going shopping.

Three, two, one...

But I am going to put some trousers on first.

Yeah.

-They haven't got any eggs either. Can you believe it?

-Yeah.

It's a jewellery shop.

That's not the point. We've tried all the food shops. There are no eggs anywhere.

Farmer Sykes didn't make his usual deliveries this morning.

Something must have happened.

Maybe he fell down a well.

Or maybe his tractor was held up by bandits on his way into town

or maybe his farm was invaded by aliens

-or maybe...

-He overslept.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Chasing aliens all night would wear anybody out.

Come on, Hacker. Let's go and see Max.

-This is a scoop and he's going to love it.

-Yeah.

-I hate it!

-What did I tell you?

-What?

-What do our readers care about missing eggs?

Where's the mystery? Where's the intrigue?

You want mystery and intrigue? Farmer Sykes might have fallen down a well.

Or been held up by bandits or kidnapped by aliens.

-Or overslept.

-Or overslept.

Do you really think that's possible?

Hey. Eggs-tremely.

Eggs-actly.

That's egg-cellent.

Stop it! Stop it! You're giving me a haddock!

-That was about fish.

-What do you want it to be about?

Eggs, Digworth. I want it to be about eggs.

Right you are, Chief. One story about eggs coming right up. Come on, Hacker.

No, I...

Oh!

-So you never fell down a well?

-No.

-No bandits?

-No.

-I don't suppose there were any aliens, were there?

-Any what?

HE WHISPERS

-Did you oversleep?

-Certainly not. I get up at 5 o'clock every morning.

Wow. There's a 5 o'clock in the morning too?

-Then why didn't you deliver any eggs?

-Because I don't have any.

See for yourself!

Oh...

They're not laying. Haven't done for days.

-Not laying because they're scared.

-Scared? Scared of what?

The big cat.

The big cat?!

-SQUAWKING

-Shh!

The big cat?

A giant wild cat has been roaming the grounds for weeks,

as big as a panther and ten times as vicious.

No way will my girls lay while that thing's prowling about.

A giant wild cat here in Pilbury. This is a front-page scoop for sure.

So, er, if me and Hacker catch this cat of yours,

does that mean you'll be delivering eggs in time for breakfast?

If you catch the cat, I'll do more than that.

I'll give you free eggs for life.

Free eggs...

for life!

Oh!

HE SQUAWKS

Come on, Hacker, you're a dog. You can't be afraid of a little cat.

I'm not. I'm afraid of a big one.

Calm down. You've got nothing to worry about.

-No?

-No. You're with me.

-Right, I'm off.

-Oi! Will you relax, all right?

-I've got a plan.

-Bye.

-Rrrrah!

-This is an outdoor survival guide.

Everything we need is in here.

Making traps, living off the wild

and most important of all, how to make a hide.

-A what?

-Hide.

-OK.

-No!

-Rrrah!

-I said "a hide".

If we make one of these, we can camp out in full camouflage

and wait for the cat to turn up.

-Come on, give me a hand.

-Uh-oh.

Ah! This is the life, eh, Hacker? Roughing it in the wild.

You now, I've always seen myself as a bit of an outdoors man,

camping out under the stars, living off the land,

at one with nature.

Most people couldn't hack this. Nah.

They wouldn't last five minutes in the wilderness.

But not me. You see, I know that nature is to be respected

and not feared.

HE CHUCKLES

-Is that a centipede?

-What? Where?

-On your back.

Where? Get it off! Get it off!

-Has it gone?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I don't like centipedes.

My mother used to say, "Never trust anything with more than 23 legs."

She was a strange woman, my mother.

Yeah.

This is harder than I thought, Hacker.

-If only we had a five-foot wooden beam.

-Yeah.

-Found one.

-Where did you get that?

-Propped up against the coop.

-Wasn't it supporting the wall?

-Of course it wasn't!

Do you think I wouldn't notice if a beam was supporting a wall?

Do I look like the sort of person who'd go round removing wall-supporting beams?

CREAKING

SQUAWKING

Hacker, that beam was supporting a wall. I told you not to touch it.

-What?

-You...!

-Oh!

You lost 'em. You lost my chickens.

Not all of them.

Fix the coop, get back my chickens and catch the cat

or you can forget all about your free eggs.

Oh!

Well, that's hardly fair, is it? Talk about moving the goalposts.

Come on, Hacker, let's get cracking. You round up the chickens,

-I'll build the hide.

-Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Come on. HE SQUAWKS

Chicken! Come on. I've got a little bug for you here.

Get back in the coop.

Well done. Thanks, Hilda.

Ha-ha-ha!

Get your beaks washed! Roll up, roll up! Free beak wash today.

Come on, Mildred. Get in there.

We can buff your beak nice and shiny. That's right.

Up you go.

Yay! It worked. Mwah!

I knew it would.

I was only kidding, Doreen.

Sage and onion does the trick every time.

Good job, Digby.

Ow!

Arrgghh!

HE SOBS

-You got them back!

-Yeah.

-All of them?

-I think so.

We'd better count them to make sure.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

-How many did you count?

-Ten.

-So did I!

That makes...

-20.

-Yes. That's twice as many as we started with.

Good job, Hacker.

Here - and I managed to finish the hide.

It wasn't even hard. Easy.

I mean, obviously it's not the same as in the picture

but I still say that's a good job.

Yeah. Not bad.

I'm sure there's something missing, though.

Oh, well. I'm sure we'll figure it out later.

But for now, let's get settled in.

Ah.

No door.

What a plum.

Right, all this work and country air has made me tired.

I think I'll take a little nap.

Probably best if we keep watch in shifts, Hacker.

-You take the first six hours, I'll take the last one.

-Right.

-Hang on. What?

-And whatever you do, don't fall a...

HE SNORES

Huh! Fall asleep indeed. As if I'd fall asleep.

HE YAWNS

RUSTLING

What? Stop that trifle, it's getting away!

No! What? What is it, Hacker?

The big cat!

The big cat?

GROWLING

LOUD GROWLING

Whaaa!

Ooh!

-MOBILE RINGS

-Aarrrgghh!

-Hello?

-Digworth, I'm holding in my hand a large egg baguette.

-That's nice.

-It would be, if there were any eggs in it.

This egg shortage is a disaster for Pilbury.

I'm so glad I decided to assign you to it.

Very clever idea of mine, that was. So how's it going?

Actually, sir, I've found a bigger story.

-ROARING

-Waaah!

-A much bigger story.

-What are you talking about?

-What bigger story?

-A big cat.

-GROWLING

A cat? That's no good. How's that going to help my lunch situation?

Eh? I can't put a cat inside a baguette.

No, it's too hairy.

Stick to the egg story and forget about the cat.

The egg story is purr-fect.

I've got a good feline about it.

So don't argue with meow.

GROWLING

No, Hacker. Right, boss, I've got to go. I'm egg-tremely busy.

-That was about eggs.

-What do you want it to be about?

-Cats.

I want it to be about cats.

-Right you are, Chief. One story about cats coming up.

-Eh, Dig...

Oh!

I think it's gone.

-Go and have a look.

-You go and have a look.

OK, we'll both have a look.

-On three.

-Right.

One...

Two...

Three.

-You didn't look.

-Neither did you.

-Come on.

-Oh...

MEWING

It's a little kitten. Well, that can't be the big cat.

That can't be what's been scaring all those birds.

I mean, what are they - a bunch of chickens?

Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, they are, aren't they?

-Mm.

-But there must be some mistake.

-It's going in the coop.

-Right, that's it.

There's no way that bundle of fluff has been the cause of all these problems.

You stay here. I'm going to get it out before the real beast turns up.

Here, kitty, kitty.

Good kitty!

Come to Uncle Digby.

ROARING AND SCREAMING

Get off me! Get off me!

Get it!

Help me! Hacker! Help me!

Help me, Hacker! Help me! Hacker!

That is one angry kitten.

HE SNEEZES

And it's brought on my allergy.

-Hacker...

-What?

-Go get 'em.

Uh-uh.

Hacker... mate...

You're a dog. Dogs chase cats.

It's the natural order of things. Everybody knows it.

I know it, you know it and even that kitten knows it.

Hacker, you have absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

You can do it, Hacker. I believe in you.

Huh!

Here, kitty, kitty.

Nice kitty.

Nice kitty, nice kitty. ROARING

Get off me! Oh, no! Oh, Digby!

Digby, he's got me! Oh!

Get off! Get off me!

Oh!

This could be trickier than we thought.

Purr-fecto.

Now, all we have to do is wait for our fluffy friend to come along and set off the trap

and then we net ourselves the beast, the scoop

and a lifetime's supply of free eggs.

What can go wrong? Now, to bait the trap.

This should do it.

Everybody knows kittens can't resist chasing chocolate.

-Or is it mice?

-Mice.

-What, mice can't resist chasing chocolate?

-No!

Kittens can't resist chasing mice.

It's not surprising if they're carrying chocolate.

Nothing can resist chocolate.

Lovely, sticky, sweet-smelling...

Ow!

All right. Thank you, Hacker.

HE SPITS

There. Now. It's time to play the waiting game.

Back to the hide, Hacker, and I think it's your turn to keep watch.

Yeah, but I...

HE MUTTERS

THEY SNORE

ROARING

What? Careful, it's got a sofa!

What? Hacker? What's going on?

-The little big cat.

-The little big cat?!

Right! That's it.

-No, no, no!

-Yes, Hacker, I've had enough.

As scary as that kitten might be,

it's nothing compared to how scary the idea of wasting a bar of chocolate is.

Lovely...

sticky...

sweet-smelling...

Ow!

-OK, thanks, mate.

-All right.

And remember, if I don't make it back in one piece,

I want you to ensure

the Pilbury Post gives me a suitable front-page tribute.

"Ace reporter..."

"Gets beaten up by a kitten"?

-Something to that effect, yes.

-Yeah.

Right.

GROWLING

Digby...

GROWLING

-Arrrggh!

-Oh, Digby!

Arrgh! Help!

Help! Hacker!

Help! Hacker!

-Where's the chocolate?

-Forget the chocolate. Look!

-HE ROARS

-Now we've got him.

Right, here's the plan. I'll trap him in this, you distract him.

-How?

-Think of something.

Oh...

OK, kitty, you'll like this.

-Hit it!

-MUSIC: UP-BEAT CIRCUS TUNE

-Got him!

-Well done, Digby.

GROWLING

CREAKING AND STRAINING

-Was that my tummy?

-Maybe. You haven't eaten today.

CREAKING

Aarrgghh!

Digby!

-Achoo!

-CAT GROWLS

My coop, my coop! What have you done?

Good news. I'm pretty certain that cat won't be coming back in a hurry.

Never mind the cat. What have you done to my coop?

I'm ruined. You've ruined me.

They'll never lay now. You've scared the stuffing out of them.

Well, actually, a bit more than the stuffing.

-What's he talking about?

-I don't know.

-Eggs!

-As they say - all's well that ends well.

You destroyed my coop and you've traumatised my poor girls for life.

What do you have to say for yourself?

-We haven't had any breakfast yet.

-No.

I don't suppose you could rustle up an omelette?

An omelette? Digworth...

You...

Now, let's have a look. Another award-winning front page, no doubt.

"Fat fool flattens farm"?

"No more eggs for Pilbury"?

Digby Digworth!

I wonder whatever happened to that little kitten, Hacker?

Achoo!

ROARING

PURRING

HE ROARS

Aarrggghhh!

# S-C-O-O-P! #

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