Northenders Scoop


Northenders

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Transcript


LineFromTo

# Time is running out

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# Stories to be found

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# What's it all about?

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# Got to go and check around

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# If there's a rumour going round

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# Don't you forget it

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# Whenever something's going down

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that scoop

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# Got to get that

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# S-C-O-O-P #

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Dad, the bathroom door's locked.

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How about a nice big fried breakfast, Hacker?

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If you mean like yesterday, no.

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What's wrong with deep-fried cornflakes?

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Digby, I'm trying to watch NorthEnders.

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-What's NorthEnders?

-Only the biggest soap opera on TV.

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Now, shush! There's a good bit coming up.

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-Come on. What's the big surprise?

-That would be telling.

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-So tell me!

-I'll do better than that, princess.

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I'll show you.

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You wait there.

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A surprise! A big surprise!

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It'd be a great scoop if we could find it out.

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-I've got a much better idea for a big news story.

-What?

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Take a look...at this!

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This rasher is the spitting image of Elvis!

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Famous Faces In My Food! Max will love it! Come on!

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But what about the big surprise in NorthEnders?

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Oh, forget it, Hacker! Only idiots watch soap operas.

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Huh?

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-HE SLURPS

-"I wouldn't mind another one,

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-and I was very good at it."

-MAX CHUCKLES

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I can't wait to see what the big surprise is on NorthEnders.

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-Me, too.

-Yeah. It's a great show, innit?

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-I love NorthEnders, me.

-You said only idiots -

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Don't appreciate the exciting stories.

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And talking about exciting stories, Famous Faces In My Food!

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Ssh! And get out of my chair!

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Food that looks like famous people! This could be a runner, Max.

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Last night I had a pizza. Meat feast with extra cheese.

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You could see the entire England football team!

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-HE ROARS

-Be quiet.

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-They're about to reveal all.

-Come on. I can't wait any longer.

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-What's the big surprise?

-Here we are.

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YAPPING

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Dad! It's a dog! Can I keep him?

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Course you can, princess! Say hello to Scampi!

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He's all yours.

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MAX SOBS

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I knew Roy wouldn't let little Andrea down!

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Little Andrea's always wanted a dog, and now she's got one!

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Yeah. Crackin' episode.

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THEY BLOW NOISILY

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Oh!

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-I want that story, and fast!

-Brilliant! You won't regret it.

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I can see Kylie in this rich tea.

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-HE SIGHS

-I meant the big NorthEnders story!

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No. I'm sorry. I've got to stick to my principles.

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It's Famous Faces In My Food or nothing.

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-Fair enough. I'm sure Hacker can manage on his own.

-Yeah.

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So, where is this TV studio?

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If there's a story here, Hacker, I will sniff it out.

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Look!

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Yes!

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That's the sort of news people like reading about.

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They give you free coffee and doughnuts here.

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HE LAUGHS

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Two coffees and two doughnuts, please.

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-What are you having, Hacker? Hang on! That's mine!

-Get your own!

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Digby! That's Dave Norris!

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-Who?

-Roy, out of NorthEnders!

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Security!

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CRASHING

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-See?

-Oh, Dave!

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Oh! I am an enormous fan of yours.

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Put it there! Oh...

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Somebody get this lummox out of here! Where's security?

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-Dave, what's wrong?

-This fool...

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-Fool? I am Digby D Digworth.

-Pilbury Post, reporter. OK.

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-I don't care who he is.

-We don't want to upset the press, Dave.

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-All right. But any trouble, and I want him out.

-I'm Lorraine,

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producer of NorthEnders. How can I help you?

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-We're here to do a story about the new dog.

-I want to meet him.

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We haven't managed to find the right dog for the part yet.

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But that's terrible! Hacker! No dog, no story!

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Max will go mad!

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It must be difficult to find a dog who's clever enough to act.

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You need a dog for the show?

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Oh, no, Hacker!

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Don't go there! Not here!

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MUSIC POUNDS

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-# He's the number-one dog

-# Do you mean me?

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-# All the right moves

-# VIP

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-# When the going gets rough

-# I'll have a cup of tea

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-# H-A-C-K-E-R

-# Hacker

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-# He's the bomb

-# You're gonna beg for more

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-# Looks so divine

-# I'm the K to the 9

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-# Can scratch with ease

-# I got showbiz fleas

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# And when I see a tree I go pee

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-# Top dog

-# Top dog

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-# Top dog

-# That's me

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-# He's the coolest of the canines...

-HE HOWLS

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-# Top dog

-# Uh-huh

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-# Top dog

-# Sing it, girls

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-# He's the coolest of the canines

-# Stop! Digby time!

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# He's Hacker, not a slacker, I'm his number-one backer

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# He's the salt to my pepper, he's the cheese on my cracker

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# When I'm wrong he takes the flak, his bark is more a yap

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# So come on, shake your maracas...

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Aaargh!

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HE LAUGHS

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker

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# Go, Hacker, go, Hacker #

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Hacker! Hacker! Hacker!

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I'm really sorry. Calm down, you.

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-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-What are you thinking?

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I'm thinking we've found our new family pet.

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-That's just what I was thinking.

-What?

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-Do you want Hacker to play the part?

-Who are you - his manager?

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Er, yes! Where Hacker goes, I go.

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In that case, forget it. I'm sorry, my little friend.

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-HE GROWLS

-Look, it's either Hacker here,

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-or no dog.

-All right.

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-But keep that doughnut thief away from me.

-Come on.

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-Let's get you to makeup!

-Yeah.

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It's all right, Dave. We showbiz managers know the score.

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-I'll keep an eye on him.

-It's not the dog I'm worried about.

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Scampi here's the best present ever, Dad.

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I'm glad you like young Scampi. Soon as I saw him in that dogs' home,

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I said, "That's the one for my lass."

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He looks a bit cold.

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-And thirsty.

-HE PANTS

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Don't you worry. I'll soon sort him out.

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-It's a great show, Dave.

-That's my chair. Can't you read?

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On the back!

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CRASHING

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Digby, behave!

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Here we are. Some nice milk and some doggy biscuits.

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HAMMERING

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Stop everything! Lorraine, can you please ask Mr Digworth

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-to keep quiet during rehearsals?

-Yeah! It's distracting me too.

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-You're all doing very well, Lorraine.

-Thank you!

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If you could just sit down quietly over there... Thank you.

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OK!

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Right. Let's go again, people.

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He's the best present ever, Dad.

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Oh, I'm glad you like young Scampi.

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Soon as I saw him in that dogs' home,

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-I said that's the one...

-PHONE RINGING

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Max! Hiya, Max! You'll never believe this.

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-Hacker's got the part!

-"What?!"

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-Speak up, man.

-In NorthEnders!

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Hacker's the new family pet!

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-He looks a bit cold.

-I know!

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-It's incredible. And he's doing really -

-"Marvellous!"

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-Any juicy stories yet?

-I'm right on the case, Max.

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I want to know about all the arguments,

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-the on-set disasters!

-On-set disasters?

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No, no. It's all going really well here.

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No problems at all.

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Um... I-I'll phone you back, Max.

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You...are the problem.

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You are an on-set disaster.

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Lorraine, I don't care if he IS the press.

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I cannot work with him blundering around

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when I am trying to act!

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Ooh, he's so unprofessional!

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All right! All right.

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Digby,

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-I'll arrange a special viewing area for you.

-Ooh!

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-A special viewing area! Thank you!

-It's our pleasure.

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OK, guys. Let's rehearse the next scene.

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This Post reporter was accorded the privilege

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of a special viewing area to watch the new NorthEnders hound

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go through his...paces...

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Where's the light? Ah!

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Do you want to go for walkies, Scampi?

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Why not? It's a lovely day. Not a cloud in the sky!

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He could do with the exercise. I can hardly lift him.

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What's going on now?

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Argh! HE HOWLS

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-Does anyone know where the light switch is?

-Digby!

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I'm not saying another line until he's gone.

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He ruined my big scene.

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Compromise. You two give him an exclusive interview,

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then we can ask him to leave. OK?

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-OK.

-But five minutes!

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That's all he gets.

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Oh, yes. Very classy!

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-You don't look too bad yourself!

-Yeah.

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Like two peas in a pod, ain't we?

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Thanks for the interview, lads.

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This is going to be an award-winning story.

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-Well, just get on with it.

-Absolutely.

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Let's get going. Total concentration.

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-Now...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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What's it like being a big star?

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-Well, it's...

-Ahem!

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It's a huge responsibility being a role model -

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-I don't believe it!

-What?

-There's a fruit basket!

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-HE LAUGHS

-You've got a fruit basket, Hacker,

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with a real pineapple. Oh! Look at all these little lights, eh?

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HE LAUGHS

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ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Digby!

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-Interview.

-Yeah. I'm sorry.

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I'm just so excited. But from now on, it's questions all the way.

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-Right. Fire.

-Can I have a grape?

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-Have them all. Just get on with the interview.

-OK.

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Here we go.

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HE CHOKES

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HE COUGHS

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Ooh! Sorry.

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Now...

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-I've lost my pen.

-Here, use one of these.

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It's got NorthEnders on it! Where do you get one of these?

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You can get them in the shop - on your way out.

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Please, Digby! Get on with the interview.

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Okey-dokey.

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Dave...

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..what colour underpants do you wear?

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What? Er... Oh, it varies. I...

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Colour of underpants...

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varies.

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Well, I think that's about it.

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-That's the interview?

-I've got all the important facts.

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You know me - get straight to the heart of the story.

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Underpants, fruit basket, posh mirror.

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Thank you. It's been a real pleasure interviewing such a big star.

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-That's OK.

-That's OK.

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-Home time!

-Oh, sorry, Digby. I'm going out with Lorraine tonight.

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But we were going to finish our jigsaw.

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-You're going out with Lorraine? She never told me.

-Yeah.

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Dinner somewhere fancy, and the taxi'll be here soon.

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Got to go.

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Hmm!

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So, Dave, are you, er... you any good at jigsaws?

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HE SIGHS

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SONG: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

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It's late.

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-Did you have a good time?

-Fantastic.

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You could've invited me. I thought we were a team.

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-I'm in the premiere league now.

-Don't treat this place like a hotel!

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I'm not going to. That's why I'm moving out.

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What?

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Yeah. A star like me can't live in a dump like this.

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-Just came back for a few essentials.

-Oh, yeah?

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What's that - driving licence, credit cards, passport?

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-No. Bones.

-RATTLING

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CAR HORN BEEPING

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Oh! Car's waiting. See you, then!

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HE GRUNTS

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# Everybody hurts

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# Sometimes #

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# If you leave me now

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# You'll take away the biggest part of me...

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HE SOBS

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# Ooh, ooh, ooh, no

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-# Baby, please don't go...

-HE BLOWS NOISILY

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-Oh, Hacker!

-# If you leave me now

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# You'll take away the very heart of me #

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PHONE RINGING

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-Um, hello?

-Digby! I've got a bone to pick with you.

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Bones! I can't talk about bones!

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Aha! But I can talk about Hacker.

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He made the front page of the Gilbury Gazette.

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Top Dog Spotlight Shines On New Star!

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-From you I've heard nothing!

-I don't see much of Hacker any more.

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You share a house with him! I want stories, pictures, gossip!

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I don't want him burping without me knowing about it. Understand?

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-Absolutely, Max. I won't let him out of my sight.

-Good!

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Now...how can I get Hacker back?

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Look, Scampi's dreaming.

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-He's had a tiring day.

-We all have.

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-Come on, princess. Bedtime.

-Awww!

-Come on, you.

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And...cut!

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OK, that's good.

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APPLAUSE

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-Wonderful, darling.

-It was nothing.

-You can say that again!

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There's some fans outside wanting autographs, if you...

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-Well, mustn't disappoint.

-Er, Hacker's autograph.

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My public!

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I need a coffee.

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-Oh, it's you again.

-I've just dropped by

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to catch up on my favourite soap opera.

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And I've brought these for Hacker. They're his favourite.

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Oh! Oh, well, why don't you give it to me?

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I'll see that he...gets it.

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-What's that?

-A present from your manager.

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-He's here again.

-Good old Digby!

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-I'll bring it on in the next scene.

-Cool!

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I think you'll find it's actually...very hot.

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Particularly with a little sprinkling of chilli.

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OK. Places, everyone.

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-Hacker!

-Quiet, please.

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Shut it! So, it's the next morning,

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and Scampi's feeling ill.

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And action.

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Dad, Dad! Scampi's poorly!

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-What's up, princess?

-He won't get up.

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-He's all weak and listless.

-Let him try some food.

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OK. But I think you should call the vet.

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Go on, Scampi. Try a bit.

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Hello. It's our Scampi. He's off his food and he's just lying there,

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motionless.

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HE BARKS Whoo!

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HE HOWLS

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-How is he now?

-Still the same.

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-Just lying there.

-Stop!

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Stop everything! I simply cannot deal with this.

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He's supposed to be lying there, not racing about.

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It's him! You've tinkered with that food!

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But I didn't, Hacker, honest!

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You have to get rid of the dog.

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-But he's the best thing since you joined the show.

-Yeah.

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-I'm a big star, aren't I?

-It won't last. What can a dog do?

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Can he get married? Divorced? Remarried? No!

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All he can do is eat, sleep and look cute in a basket.

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Either he goes...

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or I go.

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HE LAUGHS

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-A rubber egg!

-HE LAUGHS

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I'm sorry.

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Hacker! I'll ask security to bring your bones from the dressing room.

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If you could leave your studio pass on your way out...

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Oh, budgies!

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Cheer up, mate! I've kept your room looking the same.

0:18:350:18:38

-I haven't touched a thing.

-I don't have a room, Digby.

0:18:380:18:42

I have a basket.

0:18:420:18:44

-Oh, yeah.

-Hang on.

0:18:440:18:46

They can't just sack me. I've got a contract.

0:18:460:18:48

If they sack me now, they got to pay me big money.

0:18:480:18:53

Ooh! How big, exactly?

0:18:530:18:55

Check out the contract! I gave it to you to look after.

0:18:550:18:59

Ah...

0:19:040:19:06

The contract. Um...

0:19:060:19:08

HE GROANS

0:19:080:19:10

-But they'll have a copy in the office!

-Yeah.

0:19:100:19:13

But they won't let us in there now, and they took away your pass.

0:19:130:19:16

We need a devastatingly good plan.

0:19:160:19:20

Head bang!

0:19:250:19:27

Go, go, go!

0:19:300:19:32

WHOOSHING

0:19:320:19:34

Digby! The office is this way.

0:19:340:19:37

I'll see if the coast is clear.

0:19:400:19:43

CLANGING

0:19:550:19:57

That's the toilet.

0:19:570:19:59

This is the office.

0:20:010:20:03

Now, where's that safe?

0:20:030:20:05

Aha!

0:20:060:20:08

Digby, that's a fridge!

0:20:110:20:13

I knew that. But a fridge is like a safe.

0:20:150:20:20

It's where people hide things.

0:20:200:20:23

Oh, wow!

0:20:240:20:26

-Have you found my contract?

-Better than that!

0:20:260:20:29

Savoury...and sweet. Now, where's a spoon?

0:20:290:20:33

HE GROANS

0:20:330:20:36

Oh! My contract!

0:20:420:20:45

I've got it! Let's go!

0:20:450:20:47

What, already?

0:20:470:20:49

Oh, security camera!

0:20:500:20:53

-What you doing?

-We shouldn't be here,

0:20:580:21:01

so I'm getting rid of the CCTV footage.

0:21:010:21:03

-Do you know how?

-I'm not sure.

0:21:030:21:05

Need to find the right drive where they store the recordings.

0:21:050:21:09

Oh, here it is.

0:21:090:21:11

What's happening now? That's some data, that.

0:21:110:21:14

Aha! Here we are. Delete all - Y or N?

0:21:140:21:18

-Definitely N.

-Why?

0:21:180:21:21

No, N.

0:21:210:21:22

-Why?

-No, N!

0:21:220:21:24

-Yes, but why?

-Because we don't want to delete everything.

0:21:240:21:29

Right you are, captain.

0:21:290:21:31

No!

0:21:340:21:36

-You pressed "yes"!

-Hey, it was nothing.

0:21:380:21:41

You've wiped everything, including this week's episode of NorthEnders!

0:21:410:21:45

They're all on the system too!

0:21:450:21:48

-Ah!

-Well done.

0:21:480:21:50

They can now sack me without giving me a penny.

0:21:500:21:52

What we going to do? What will Max say?

0:21:520:21:55

-He's NorthEnders' biggest fan!

-Well, he wanted a story.

0:21:550:21:58

Wiping a week of TV's biggest show sounds like a good one!

0:21:580:22:02

-But it was me who did it!

-Well, you're used to that.

0:22:020:22:04

-I'll be a laughing-stock.

-You're used to that too.

0:22:040:22:07

All right. It's all right, Digby.

0:22:070:22:09

Get a grip. It's only a stupid old soap.

0:22:090:22:12

They'll have loads of episodes lined up. No-one will notice...

0:22:120:22:16

-..will they?

-Hmm!

0:22:170:22:21

Oh, ho-ho-ho! Now to find out how little Scampi's doing.

0:22:230:22:27

"We regret that we're unable to bring you

0:22:270:22:31

this week's edition of NorthEnders, due to a technical incident

0:22:310:22:35

involving a local reporter from the Pilbury Post

0:22:350:22:38

-and a sausage roll."

-What?

0:22:380:22:41

"Sausage Slip Up In Soap Sensation"?

0:22:420:22:46

DIGBY DIGWORTH!

0:22:460:22:49

RUMBLING

0:22:490:22:51

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:22:530:22:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:22:570:23:01

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0:23:080:23:11

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0:23:110:23:11

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