First Past the Post Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round, don't you forget it

# Whenever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P! #

# Pilbury, Pilbury, Pilbury FC You are the football club for me

# You're dead good at football You start with a P!

# Pilbury, Pilbury

# Pilbury! #

-What a fantastic afternoon, eh, Hacker?

-Yeah, 5-0.

-I know.

-I didn't expect Pilbury to lose 5-0, but we had a good time.

-Yeah.

-It was a great idea to bunk off work today.

-What about Max?

Don't worry about my grumpy-guts boss.

-I phoned in sick using my best poorly voice.

-Poorly voice?

See this?

-COUGHS

-Hello, Max.

I can't come in to work today.

I've got a very bad cold and Hacker's got it too.

-Da-na!

-Bravo! Bravo! Well done indeedy-doo!

-Let's look at the old highlights of the big match.

-Yeah.

-Sport.

"United fans celebrate despite massive loss."

Oh, dear.

Oh, dearie, dearie, dearie...

Ow!

Digby, that's us at the match.

-Not ill.

-I know. If Max sees that, we're dead meat.

-We've got to get to the office and get this off the page!

-Agh!

Uh... Ah-aaaaah!

Quick, while Max is in the loo.

Ah! There's his paper. He can't have read it yet.

We need to get rid of the evidence.

I wouldn't go in there for a couple of hours. Feeling better, Digby?

Eh? Oh!

-COUGHS

-Yeah, it comes and goes.

Cough, splutter, atchoo and so on!

Have you come to give me germs or was there something in particular?

No, we thought we'd drop by and tell you

what an excellent job we think you're doing as an editor.

-It must be a thankless task. Hacker, give the man a massage.

-OK.

Oh! Oh, yes, yes. Oh!

It can be quite stressful - the long hours and such.

But it does have its perks - the pay, getting to boss people around.

-But you know the best thing about being a newspaper editor?

-No, Max.

Ow!

It's that I get to see as many copies of the newspaper as I like.

Ah!

Did you really think I wouldn't see it, Digby Durbrain?

-It's my newspaper!

-I can explain.

-My doctor said the best place to get some fresh air...

-Stop talking!

I've had enough of you and your mangy pet rat!

-I'm a dog.

-Get out while I think of a punishment!

And rest assured, it will be horrible and mean.

It will make you feel sad and I will laugh. It will sound like this.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Yes, Max.

-Arrrgh!

Can you believe Max spoke to me like that?

I'm so cross, I could, I could...

shake this cushion!

Scary! Now, this punishment then.

-What will it be?

-If I know Max, he's going to give us the boot.

-Like a big shoe?

-No, he's going to sack us.

-Oh.

-He'll make us sweat all night.

-Then in the morning...boom!

-Ow!

I am not going to sit around waiting for the axe to fall because...

..I quit.

But Digby, you're a great...

Well, you're OK.

-Well, you're a journalist. You can't quit.

-Just you watch me.

What is the most honourable way to quit my job?

After all, I am Digby D Digworth. We all know what the D stands for.

-Dunce.

-No. Dignified!

I've got it. A resignation letter.

Hacker, bring me my writing tools.

-Do you mean these?

-I haven't used this notepaper for a while.

Oh! Oh!

Hacker, don't be sad. We'll soon get another job.

-No, not that. I swallowed a spider.

-Eugh!

"Dear Granny, thank you for my book token."

It's a letter to my granny, thanking her for my birthday present.

My 11th birthday present. I obviously didn't post it.

Oh, well, I'm sure the old girl didn't mind.

Dear old Granny.

-The letter!

-Oh, yeah.

Time to write the most elegant resignation letter in history.

After all, I did put the "leg" in "elegant".

What?

Digby... Digby!

Ha-ha-ha!

Have you finished at last?

I certainly have. Get a load of this for class.

-HE COUGHS

-Sorry.

"Dear Max...

"I quit.

-"Love, Digby."

-Wonderful.

-Short, poignant, devastating.

-No, PS...

-Yeah?

"You are a horrible meanie and shout at me all the time." Put that on.

-Great.

-Yeah. Oh, PPS...

"You have an enormous bottom!"

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha! Perfecto!

-Yeah.

Right now, Hacker, take this letter. Put it in an envelope.

-I will post it in the morning.

-Are you really sure? Surely sure?

I've never been so sure of anything in my life.

Remember when I was sure that man was selling gorilla eggs?

-I planted them to start a gorilla farm.

-They were coconuts.

Yes, and I lost all my money.

It's exactly the same as that, only this time, I'm completely right.

Yeah.

-Good night, old chum.

-Night-night!

GULPS

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

Agh! I'm not sure!

I'm not sure at all!

Hacker! Hacker!

-Hacker! Hacker!

-HACKER SNORES

-# He's the number one dog

-Do you mean me?

-# Making all the right moves

-I'm a VIP

-# When the going gets rough...

-I have a cup of tea!

-H-A-C-K-E-R!

-Hacker!

-# When he hits the floor!

-You beg for more!

-Looks so divine!

-K to the 9!

-# Scratch with ease

-I got showbiz fleas

-# When I see a tree, I go pee

-Top dog!

-Top dog!

-# Top dog!

-That's me

# He's the coolest of the canines

# Ow-ow!

-# Top dog!

-A-ha

-Top dog!

-Say it, girls

-# He's the coolest of the canines

-Stop! Digby time!

# He's Hacker, not a slacker, salt to my pepper, cheese on my cracker

# He takes the flak, answers back He doesn't bark, more a yap

# So come on, shake your maracas! #

Aaagh!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker... #

-Hacker! Hacker!

-What-what-what-what?

-I've been thinking.

-What?

I've realised resigning would be the most stupid idea I've ever had.

Where's the letter?

Uh... Well, um...

-I posted it.

-You did what?

I was up early chasing next door's cat and you said you were sure.

Oh, no. I'm doomed. I'm doomed!

-You're not doomed. It's in the post box on the corner.

-Let's go!

Whoa!

It's in there. Look, I'll get it. Ready?

One, two!

It's all the way down the bottom. I can't reach it.

Come here, you.

Just sit there, relax and watch the master at work.

Now, you see, I just do this, you see?

A bit of a twist.

-Stupid elbows.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-I can't reach it either. Oh, well, never mind. Worth a try.

-Yeah.

Help me, Hacker!

-It's no good. I'm stuck.

-Let's pull.

-All right.

-Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-I'm still stuck. Get some help.

-What help?

-Something to get my arm out.

Go! Go!

-No!

-Ha-ha-ha!

Phew! I tell you what...

Oh, butter!

Grease up Digby's arm. It'll slip right out. Ha-ha!

Good morning.

Hmm, baguette!

So warm, so crusty.

Oh, oh!

No-o-o!

Stupid baguette!

Why must you be so delicious?

Excuse me. Another butter baguette, please.

Hacker... Hacker!

-Yes?

-Ah, brilliant!

-You brought breakfast.

-No, don't eat it! Use the butter.

Grease up your arm. Yeah.

Hooray! I'm free! But we still need to get that letter out.

The postie's due in 15 minutes.

-That's soon!

-Yes!

I'm wiped out now.

Ohhh.

Oh, I'm sleepy after all those baguettes.

I mean all that running around.

-Don't you fall asleep on me now.

-I won't. I'm wide awake. Uh...

SNORING

CRASH!

-No, I don't want to go to school, Mummy!

-Wake up, Digby!

-There she is!

-No! Stop!

-Stop!

-Good morning, sir.

-Morning. Nice day for it.

-Good morning.

This sounds strange, but you have a letter my dog posted by mistake.

-Yeah.

-It's addressed to a big, scary walrus man.

If he reads it, he'll get so cross he'll turn red and a giant vein

will bulge out of his forehead like a big worm! Please...

It's addressed to Max de Lacey at the Pilbury Post.

-This letter?

-Yes! That's it, thank you!

I'm sorry, sir. When you post a letter in Her Majesty's post boxes,

it becomes the property of the Royal Mail. The Queen.

It would be more than my job's worth to hand over the Queen's own mail

-to any man on the street. And his dog.

-Eh?

This letter is going exactly where it is intended - to a sorting office

where it will be sorted and delivered first thing tomorrow morning

to its intended recipient. Good morning, sir.

No, come back...!

-Come back!

-Now what?

-Let's go see the Queen.

-We haven't got time, Hacker!

It's going to the sorting office.

-Quick - get some brown paper and sticky tape.

-Oh?

Are you OK in there?

-I'm fine.

-I've made these air holes and I've got you some snacks.

-Oh!

-There you go.

-Ho ho!

Lovely.

OK, thank you, Hacker. I'm ready. Now take me to the Post Office.

Urgh!

-You couldn't get in this outside the Post Office?

-What?

Nothing. Great idea, boss(!)

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Max!

-I'm reminding you I want you in my office at 9am sharp.

For your punishment! And bring that little dog with you.

Put that in the diary. I'll teach him to pull a sickie on Max de Lacey!

Ooh, Digby Digworth.

You are so naughty!

-'How do you record a message on this?

-Press the thing.

-This button?'

Hacker, if you can hear me, wake up.

I think the plan is working. I've been in this box for hours.

I must be inside the sorting office. Wish me luck, Hacker. Here I go.

What the...?!

I'm back at home!

Hacker! Hacker!

Digby? What's all the noise?

Why was I posted back here? I was going to the sorting office!

Insufficient postage? Return to sender?

-You didn't use enough stamps!

-Ohh, don't blame me!

I knew you lied about your weight.

This is not the time to discuss my weight!

Max wants to see me first thing and that letter is still out there

on its way to him in a postal sack. That's it!

-What's it?

-Clarabell - she always sorts out Max's post.

Oh, not big, scary Clarabell!

The one who made haddock and liver tartlets! I hate to admit it,

but she's our last hope.

Right. You get the letter. I'll distract her.

Hello, Digby, darling.

You're just in time for breakfast.

Aaahhh!

-Is that what I think it is?

-Yes, liver and haddock tartlets.

-Try one.

-I'd love to, Clarabell, but I would literally die.

Are you sure? Oh, well, then.

I'll just have to sort Max's post.

No, wait a minute. Come on. Let's... Let's get to know each other a bit.

Oh, Digby!

I feel I know you very well from your newspaper stories.

You're always getting into trouble, aren't you?

I must confess, Digby,

doll face,

I've always had a bit of a soft spot for bad boys!

Well, eh...

You're not so bad yourself. Yeah, I like the way you, eh...

you've always got lipstick on your teeth and you smell like liver.

You big flirt!

Ha ha! Ow!

Clarabell, I was hoping that you could do me a favour.

-As long as you do something for me in return.

-Anything, Clarabell.

How about you give me a little kiss?

I couldn't... No, I'm not really that sort of boy.

Oh?

I think you are...

if you want THIS back.

-You've got the letter!

-I knew there was something fishy going on.

-Are you going to tell me what's in here?

-I can't.

Well then, me laddo, pucker up or I'll give it straight to Max!

Zoiks!

So while the cat's away, the mice go kissy-kissy!

-Snoggy snoggy.

-Good morning, Mr de Lacey.

-Here's your hot chocolate and croissant, sir.

-Thanks for my post.

I'll take it in the office. You...wait here until called.

-Digby!

-What?

The letter! Get after him!

Hey, how are YOU doing?

Hacker!

-I told you to wait outside.

-I just couldn't wait. It's been so long.

It was two minutes ago.

-What is it about this letter? What's so important?

-Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Hoo-way!

Ha ha ha! I see.

This letter's from you two. Terrible doggy handwriting.

-Give it to me!

-Get off me, you numbskull!

-Sorry, sir!

Now...to find out what all this fuss is about, eh?

"Dear Granny, thank you so much for my birthday book token.

"Lots of love, Digby D Digworth, aged 11"?!

-What is this?!

-I put the wrong letter in.

No, you put the right letter in the envelope. We're off Scot free!

No damage done! Yay!

-I don't understand. Your granny?!

-It's a joke, Max. Isn't it?

-Eh?

-Yeah!

We'll be off, then.

Not so fast.

-I've still got to punish you two for yesterday.

-Very well.

-Give me the boot.

-That's very clever, Digby.

How did you know your punishment?

-Eh?

-Yes! I am the master of ironic punishment!

And it's fair to say you will get the boot - all of the boots!

My five-a-side football team played a very muddy match last night.

I know how much you love football, so you and your mangy friend

can clean 'em, eh? Ha ha ha!

-Oh, this is a horrible punishment. We'll really hate this.

-Yes.

-Come on, Hacker.

-Yeah.

-I wonder what happened to my letter to Max.

-I don't know.

Come on, Hacker.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, Reception.

He's in his office right now, madam. Come on up.

-"Dear Granny..." I don't understand.

-Max!

I'm Digby's gran!

What's all this about you being a horrible meanie to my Digby?

-You nasty newspaperman!

-Get off me!

My little Digby is right!

You DO have an enormous bottom!

Ow!

Oh!

DIGBY DIGWORTH!

Stop! About turn!

Yaaah!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

Email [email protected]

S-C-O-O-P!