Taking Pictures Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Wherever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P

Ah! Good morning, Hacker.

Today's the day when we go out there and get the scoop of the century.

But first, a hearty breakfast.

Oh, marvellous. Don't tell me we're out of cereal.

-We're not.

-Oh, good.

-But we are now.

-Oh, thank you!

How is Pilbury's top reporter meant to get a scoop on an empty stomach?

I don't know. Shall we ask Selina?

Yeah, good idea. No! Not Selina, me!

Let's see what's in today's paper.

Art Attack At Gallery. Two paintings were taken

only a day before the gallery opens a brand new exhibition

showing portraits of famous Pilbury citizens.

This is it, Hacker! The scoop we've been waiting for!

We'll get Max to send us to the gallery and solve these crimes!

Max? That reminds me. I have an appointment.

The gallery are advertising for security guards. Yes.

This is our chance. Let's show Max we're an unbeatable partnership.

United we stand! Together!

Where is he? Hacker? Hacker?

-Hacker? Hacker, are you there?

-Digby.

-You're late.

-Sir! Is that you?

Please! You're blocking the light!

This is the real me, Digby.

I'm having my portrait done for the big exhibition tonight.

Maximilian de Lacey, emperor of Rome.

Ah. Yes. There's been a series of thefts from the art gallery, sir,

and I was thinking if I went undercover as a security guard,

I could maybe case the joint. It's a big story. It's huge!

Out of the question, Digworth.

You think I want you near a gallery with my painting in it?

You can move now, Mr de Lacey, sir.

Voila!

It's...beautiful!

-No, Digby. If you go anywhere near that gallery...

-Oh, I won't, sir.

-If you go anywhere near that gallery...

-I won't, sir.

-If you go anywhere near that gallery...

-I won't, sir.

-Be quiet!

If you go anywhere near that gallery... I forgot now.

You were going to say, "Digby, get down to that gallery,

-"there's not a minute to lose!" Come on, Hacker!

-No, I wasn't.

But he hasn't paid me yet.

We can prove Max wrong here, Hacker.

We're on the verge of a fantastic scoop, I can feel it.

If we can get taken on as security guards,

we can keep an eye on suspects. The perfect cover!

-Oh, yeah!

-We've got to be alert, vigilant,

questioning every suspicious move.

No! Aghhhhh!

Shout for the police, Hacker. You're going down! What's your name?

Edward Taylor, head of security!

Head of security? Well, just you listen to me, my friend!

-Head of security?

-Yes.

Hm. Oh, well, that was just a taster

-of my skills as a security guard.

-What, you're a security guard?

Well, not yet, but, you know... Digby D Digworth.

-The D stands for...

-Doughnuts.

Doughnuts. Hacker!

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Was it worth a lot?

Worth a lot? Worth a lot?

Of course it's not worth a lot. The painting's for training. A dummy.

-And not the only one in the room.

-Phew!

-Take a seat!

-Of course.

That was how not to apprehend an art thief.

You do not pounce on them. The proper procedure is as follows.

One, ascertain suspicious figure. Two, activate security alarm.

And three, apprehend the suspect with minimal use of force.

-Now, can I have a volunteer?

-Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

All right.

Right, I'll be the thief. And remember, minimal use of force.

One, ascertain suspicious person!

-Two, activate security alarm!

-ALARM BLARES

Three, apprehend suspect with minimal use of force!

Do not pounce on him.

Let's take a break there, shall we? There's plenty of tea...

Oh, shall we send out for a takeaway?

..two, three.

Hm. Mr Digworth, I can't seem to find you on my list.

-Ah, we're new applicants.

-Right, well, fill out the forms

-and I'll take you on.

-You will?

-Yeah, you will?

Yeah. Your duties will be in the main gallery.

Thank you, sir. You won't regret it!

-Come on, Hacker. We've got an art thief to catch!

-Yeah.

How's the training going, Mr Taylor?

-Just putting the new guys through their paces.

-Good.

As director of this gallery, my reputation is now in your hands.

You can rely on me. I'm putting my best man on the job.

Good. MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. Hello? Oh, yes, thanks for getting back to me.

Right, Digworth, your job is going to be to guard this room.

It isn't open to the public yet, but with all the recent thefts,

-you're still going to have your work cut out.

-Have no fear, sir.

-My middle name is Alertness.

-I thought you said it was Doughnuts.

This is more like it, eh, Hacker?

Any minute now, we could be apprehending ruthless art thieves,

cat burglars, international conmen. Eh?

Cor! Hee-hee!

-Shall we have a little sit down?

-Yeah.

Hacker, whatever you do, don't let me fall asleep, do you understand?

HACKER SNORES

Brilliant. Three seconds into a new job and he's already...

THEY SNORE

Oh, no!

-Fish fingers!

-Shh!

Scratched!

-Hacker, find the alarm.

-OK.

One, activate suspicious person.

No, that's not right. One, mobilise security thief.

No, that's not right.

Got it!

One! Apprehend suspicious person!

-Two! Activate security alarm!

-ALARM BLARES

Three!

Immobilise suspect!

HACKER SHOUTS

Hanika-shima-shoa!

SHE SCREAMS

Got you, you fiend! What's your name? Your name, I said!

Pauline Wilmot, director of the art gallery.

Very please to meet you, Miss Wilmot. May I call you Pauline?

I'm Digby D Digworth, security. Let me help you up.

Have you met my assistant, Hacker?

Yes, well, I suppose I should admire your keenness.

-We're very keen, aren't we?

-Couldn't be keener.

Yes, well, carry on, Mr Digworth.

You fool, Hacker! Fancy thinking she was the thief!

Anyone could see she runs the gallery!

Hey! I'm not having this!

Don't worry, it looks like we've found a buyer.

KNOCK AT DOOR Hold on a sec. Come in.

Ah, Mr Berry, isn't it?

Can you bring me the painting of Pedro Ramirez, captain of Pilbury FC?

The frame needs fixing.

He's supposed to be calling you back later.

HACKER SNORES

No. No, you mustn't.

THEY SNORE

THEY SNORE

Oh, Max, of course I accept the promotion.

Oh, no!

Hacker! Hacker! Hacker!

-What, what?

-There's a painting missing!

The thief must have slipped in while you were asleep!

-What were you doing?

-Never mind that!

We've got to catch the person who stole that priceless artwork!

Come on, he can't have gone far!

This really is the last thing I need.

You're right. The frame on this one's chipped, as well.

Lucky there's time before the exhibition opens.

Where are the guards?

What's Taylor doing?

Come on.

No sign of the thief. Where can he have gone?

-Hacker!

-What?

We've only been guarding the room for 20 minutes,

already it's half empty! Come on. Let's go and tell Miss Wilmot.

-And I won't tell her it was completely your fault.

-Thanks.

What? Digby...

OK, simple and honest, that's the Digby D Digworth way.

-Here goes.

-Yes, two of them.

Well, I could sell them to you for, say, £200,000.

Come over before the exhibition starts tonight

and I'll have them ready for you round the back. Lovely.

Hacker! Wilmot really is the thief!

She's planning to sell those paintings on the side!

-You should get Taylor.

-Good thinking!

-We can trust him.

-Yeah.

-Come on.

Ah. Wonderful.

So that's a deal on both cars. Nice doing business with you, Max.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh, yes.

In a few hours, I'll have stolen every painting in the gallery.

HE LAUGHS

I've deliberately put a pair of real dingbats on the main room.

Yeah. They've already walked off and I've had Wilmot giving it all that.

So, at 6:30, I'll deactivate the alarm, set off the fire alarm,

then with the whole gallery evacuated,

-every painting will be ours.

-HE LAUGHS

-Mr Taylor! Mr Taylor!

-I'll get back to you.

-We know who the thief is!

-What?

-I hate to tell you this, sir,

but we have absolute proof that the art thief is...

..Pauline Wilmot!

Pauline Wilmot?

I'm appalled. Good work, Mr Digworth.

-Thanks. Let's go and arrest her!

-Yeah, call the cops!

-No, wait.

Wait. We've got to be very careful about this.

-But she might be planning to steal more paintings!

-I've got it!

-What?

This sweet. I've been looking for it for hours.

-It was in my pocket all along.

-Hacker!

-What?

Wait a minute. What if we were to make sure

that the paintings were safely out of Wilmot's way?

-Then she couldn't steal any more.

-That's a great idea!

-Meantime,

you keep her occupied while the paintings are, I don't know,

loaded into a van and taken to a place of safety.

-You're a genius.

-I'll make sure there's a van out the back.

We'll keep her away from the exhibition room.

-I'll load up the paintings.

-You can rely on us, sir.

-Come on, Hacker. The paintings are in safe hands now.

-Yeah.

Marty, change of plan.

Remember that dolt I was telling you about?

The downside of relying on stupid people is that they're unreliable.

No, he's not onto us yet,

but we have to move all the paintings right now.

Stay out here and howl if there's any trouble.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, ma'am. Erm, I just thought I'd let you know, ma'am,

that I too have a passionate interest in art.

-Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to...

-Ma'am!

Please, could I just have one minute of your time?

One minute.

-Ahhh!

-HE LAUGHS

Is this a...Van Gogh?

-A Van Gogh?

-That's what I said.

-It's an Alice Fossett.

-Are you sure, ma'am?

Because everything about it is screaming Van Gogh to me.

No, it is definitely an Alice Fossett watercolour. Now if you don't mind,

-I have urgent business.

-No!

Ooh, I suddenly feel very faint.

I'll call first aid. When I'm back.

Oh, no, I'm done for! She's heading for the exhibition room!

-Urgent business, she said.

-It is.

-Hey, I told you to keep Wilmot occupied.

-It's OK, Mr Taylor.

-She's in the bathroom.

-Keep her away from me and the exhibition room.

Cor, what a wonderful man.

TOILET FLUSHES

THEY YELL

Halt! Who goes there?

You know who I am, Digworth.

Erm, I'm sorry. I can't let you out until I've seen some ID.

I really don't think that's necessary, do you?

Move! And you!

-Only doing our job, ma'am.

-Yeah.

So, she's back in her office, but for how long?

It's only a matter of time until she goes to the exhibition room.

Hang on. What's that expression?

It takes a thief to catch a thief.

HE GASPS

When Wilmot comes out, you make a dash for it.

She'll go after you and I'll go and help Taylor. But remember,

don't let her anywhere near the exhibition room.

Ma'am! Ma'am! Miss Wilmot, ma'am! Thief! Thief!

-What now?

-He's making off with another Fossett!

Call Taylor!

HE PANTS

-Oh, dear!

-Stop him!

-Turn it round.

-Ah.

-Turn it around!

-Sorry.

Sideways, Digworth!

Oh, yeah. Like a crab.

HE LAUGHS

Taylor, where are the guards? And have the police arrived yet?

The police are on their way, ma'am. We're covering all the exits.

-Righty-oh.

-HE LAUGHS

Almost there now.

-Digby!

-Hacker, what are you doing in here?

Can't chit-chat, got to go.

Digworth? Where have all the paintings gone?

Er, we're trying to head the thief off at the exits, ma'am. This way.

HE COUGHS

-He's behind that screen.

-I didn't hear any choking dogs.

-He's not there, Digworth.

-Erm...

Er, try under the chairs, ma'am. Remember, he's very small.

-No, he's definitely not there. This is dreadful!

-Yeah, just terrible.

-There he is!

-I'm right behind you, ma'am!

You'll get a medal for this, Digworth.

Right, only one picture left now, Digworth.

-You go and get it while I start the van.

-Will do, sir!

Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

-You must have seen him?

-I bet he went in there.

Are you sure?

-Oh, get in there, you thief!

-What are you doing? No! Help!

There! Digby Digworth, once again you've saved Pilbury.

-Along with your trusty sidekick Hacker.

-Yes.

Good work. Right, to the exhibition room to get the last painting!

Yeah! Can I take this hat off now?

HANDLE RATTLES

Let me out!

Max is the last one left. We'd better get that to the van.

Ooh! Ooh! What's that, sir?

As a result of my actions today,

you're promoting me to senior reporter? Thank you very much, sir.

-And not before time.

-Digworth!

-Cor, that was quick.

-Put that picture down!

-Never!

-You're not getting this one, as well.

-What are you talking about?

Don't try and wriggle out of it.

We heard you on the phone arranging to sell a couple of paintings

-for £200,000.

-£200,000? SHE SIGHS

You numbskull!

I'm selling two vintage cars!

-Cars? A likely story!

-Yeah!

Luckily, we found out and told Mr Taylor

and at this very moment, he is making sure the paintings

-are in a place of safe keeping.

-Yeah.

-Oh, no. What have you done?

-I've done well.

And the good people of Pilbury will thank me for this.

The wonderful Mr Taylor has stored all the paintings in a van

so they can't be nicked. See?

-Oh, no! What's he doing?

-He's taking them to a place of safety

-away from your grasping hands!

-You... You...dunderhead!

-Give me that!

-No! Never! Hacker! Help!

-Give it to me!

-No! You're not having it!

-Let go!

-No!

ENGINE HUMS

CRASHING

Ooh, look. Taylor's bumped into the two old cars parked round the back.

-What?

-Is he OK?

-Yeah.

Taylor's driving away. But those two old cars are write-offs.

It wouldn't be these old cars, by any chance, would it?

-Oh, yeah, those are the ones!

-HE LAUGHS

You have let Taylor get away with the contents of Pilbury Art Gallery.

The opening night is ruined, and on top of all that,

my vintage cars have been wrecked!

Let's look on the bright side. What else can go wrong?

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Oh, it's for you.

"Hello, Pauline. I just wanted to say how much I'm looking forward to

"getting my hands on those cars."

And seeing my painting in all its glory.

-Max was going to buy the cars!

-Oh, budgies.

What? Who's that? Is that Hacker?

Digby, are you there, too? I told you not to go down to the gallery.

If you've touched my painting I... PHONE BEEPS

Ohh!

Dab of glue, I'm sure it'll be fine.

CLATTERING/DIGBY SCREAMS

Oh, my giddy aunt.

Ah, the first edition, bringing good news to the citizens of Pilbury.

Broken Arted. Dingbat Digworth lets pictures be pilfered?

Digby Digworth!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

# S-C-O-O-P

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