The Digworth Method Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Wherever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P

-You're up early, Hacker.

-It's half past ten!

A good reporter needs all the sleep he can get.

-What's for breakfast?

-Leftovers.

Oh, Hacker!

-And stop eating the mail!

-HE WHISTLES

Anyway, it's only a bill. Another bill.

-Ooh, final demand from the pizza boy.

-Ooh.

This looks important. Pilbury College, eh?

Addressed to Mr Digby D Digworth, Ace Reporter.

-We all know what the D stands for.

-Dollop.

-No, Dynamic.

Dear Mr Digworth. In recognition of your outstanding work as a reporter,

we would like you to present a lecture to our journalism students

at 11am today. Yours sincerely, the Archchancellor.

Did you hear that, Hacker? Fame at last!

When word gets out, I'll be Max's star reporter for sure!

Front pages every day!

All the jelly I can eat! Ooh!

-What time did you say?

-11am.

Go!

Come on, Hacker! Let's hit the road!

That's easy for you to say.

Good morning!

After you.

Hey!

-Sorry I'm late.

-It's all set up for you, Digby.

-Good boy.

-Thank you.

THEY SNIGGER

THEY LAUGH

Hacker! Tape!

Not that sort of tape!

Not a tape measure! Proper tape!

Hello.

Should we be taking notes yet, sir? THEY LAUGH

-I know that voice!

-Of course you do.

Everybody knows Selina Sharp,

-Pilbury's number one reporter.

-Yeah?

Well if you're a number one, that makes me a...

A zero!

-Come to learn from the master, have you?

-Why? Is he here?

Haha! You'll be laughing on the other side of your face

when I'm a famous reporting superstar.

Yes, that's right. I'm here to tell you what every good reporter needs.

And the first thing you need is to be ready for adventure.

Every day you will face new challenges,

dangerous obstacles and difficult characters

in your never-ending quest for the all-important scoop.

Lights! And action!

Ah, Hacker! Ooh, I've got a good feeling about today.

-I can feel a scoop coming on.

-BUZZING

-I'm buzzing all over in anticipation!

-Digby.

-Your phone's on vibrate again.

-Oh, is it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

Digby D Digworth, Pilbury Post.

-What colour pants do you wear?

-This is about football!

You're from the Post, not the Beano. What's your next question?

-What's his favourite type of crisp?

-Yeah.

How can he see my questions from there?

-All ready. Where's your lead, Hacker?

-Don't know. We lost it.

There it is.

-Ohh.

-Come here.

-No, no, get off! I can't breathe!

-Stop being silly.

-Have you packed the map?

-Why do we need a map to get to the office?

-We've been there hundreds of times.

-Cos a good scout is always prepared.

You never know what's around the corner. But with a map,

you can always see what's coming. Let's go.

HE LAUGHS

Now, it's not very often I say this, Digby.

In fact, I've never said this before. But you've proved me wrong.

I'm going to do the Pilbury Fun Run!

Oh, good grief, man!

-All right, sorry, I'll come up with something else.

-Brilliant!

-What? You mean you like it?

-Oh, I love it.

That's a... That's a real scoop!

Did you hear that, Hacker? A real scoop! Eh?

-Finally I'm getting the respect I deserve!

-Ohh!

Let's get going. Total concentration. Now...

What's it like being a big star?

-Well, it's...

-Ahem!

-It's a huge responsibility being a role model...

-I don't believe it!

Hey, hey! You got a fruit basket, Hacker! With a real pineapple!

No, no, no. No, no, come on. There's no need for applause.

-You ain't seen nothing yet!

-No, we haven't!

-THEY SNIGGER

-The, er...

The next thing a good reporter needs is to be fearless.

For example, I will never forget the time

when I fought off seven pirates singlehandedly

before waking up in bed. Ohh!

I'll show him who's fearless.

-Hey, Hacker?

-Yeah?

-Isn't that your king-size hotdog over there?

-Where?

The name Digworth has always been synonymous with courage, spirit,

nerves of steel.

Agh! It's a giant spider! Run, everybody! Mummy, get rid of it!

THEY LAUGH Oh, Digby!

-HE LAUGHS

-I knew it was you.

Be warned. This next film features some of my bravest battles,

my most dastardly disguises and my fearless-est face-downs

of fiendish foes. You try saying that with your mouth full.

Hacker, press play if you dare.

I do!

Go, go, go!

Digby! The office is this way.

I'll see if the coast is clear.

That's the toilet!

THEY LAUGH

It's going in the coop.

Here, kitty, kitty. Good kitty.

Come to Uncle Digby.

DIGBY YELLS

Oh, no! Digby!

Help me! Hacker! Help me!

I'm en garde!

Wahh!

"Hacker! Hacker!"

Yeah! Yeah!

And now it's time for the one thing a good reporter needs

more than anything else. A tea break.

-And a wee-wee.

-And a wee-wee. Hacker!

You must be jealous. This lecture's going to be

-my fast track to the big time.

-Would you like a biscuit?

-Yes, please.

-Your students ate them all. Ha!

But I, of course, have brought my own special biscuits.

Whatever you do, don't stick your hand in my biscuit barrel.

Excuse me a moment.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that.

-I do not take orders from Selina Sharp!

You can take your hand out now.

-No, I can't!

-Ha!

That because that's my special biscuit barrel

designed to capture biscuit thieves like you!

-You little...

-Don't worry, I'll show you where the release catch is.

-Thank you.

-After the second half of your lecture!

Don't keep us waiting. SHE LAUGHS

-DIGBY GROANS

-Ohh.

Our next subject is someone every good reporter needs

but few are lucky enough to have.

Someone generous and dedicated

who's always there for them.

An understanding boss.

-Hacker, roll VT.

-Roll is yourself.

-Hacker!

-Hello, Max.

-Enough of this small talk. Digby, you're sacked.

You're fired!

-Atchoo!

-Aghh!

Get out or it won't be a wedding you'll be going to,

it'll be a funeral! Your own!

I blame myself. Although, obviously, I'll sack him.

Did you really think I wouldn't see it, Digby Duh-brain?

Get out while I think of a punishment. And rest assured,

it will be horrible and mean and it will make you feel sad

and I will laugh and it will sound like this.

HE LAUGHS

-Yes, Max.

-Now get out, you blubbery buffoon!

-Hacker, are you there?

-Digby.

-You're late.

-Sir! Is that you?

This is the real me, Digby.

I'm having my portrait done for the big exhibition.

Maximilian De Lacy, Emperor of Rome.

-Get off me, you numbskull!

-Sorry, sir!

Look. A speaking grandfather clock.

# Bongy-bong-bong-bong

-What time is it now?

-It's lunchtime.

Yeah, must be. It's lunchtime, everyone. Let's lunch. Thank you.

There's only one person that thinks that lunch is half past ten.

Oh, yes. I know exactly what time it is!

Time I did something very nasty to Digby Digworth.

I spoke to Annie about what you did to my family's beloved shop!

-Totally destroyed it!

-No, I didn't!

-You smashed everything up.

-Other than that, it was all right.

-You're fired!

Get your hat and get out. Never darken my carpet again!

-Ohh.

-I darkened his carpet.

-Ahh.

-You can do it. Come on, big fella.

-DIGBY GROANS

-That's it. Come on.

-Ohhh.

-Come on!

-Ohh!

-Ohh!

-Yes!

-Ahhh!

-Mwah! In your face, losers!

# We are the champions

# My friend

BOTH: # And we'll keep on fighting till the end

# We are the champions

-# We are the champions

-Ahem!

-Tomorrow?

-How?

-Somebody changed the calendars in the office, remember?

So we're always a day ahead of our rivals.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. It's great to have... a supportive boss.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

-THEY LAUGH

Digworth! I've looked through the books and I can't believe

you're still on staff after such a disastrous litany of failed scoops

-and catastrophic mistakes!

-Yes, well, that's very interesting.

Hiring you was the most stupid, worthless decision I've ever made

and if I had my way, I'd sack you! But who'd write the stories

-about wart infections?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Anything else, Max?

-Nope. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

HE SIGHS

Where was I? Oh, yes, a supportive boss.

But there is, of course, one other special person

who's always there for me.

My mum. No, no, I'm only joking, Hacker. Of course it's you.

Every good reporter needs a right-hand man.

Er, or dog.

Ladies and gentleman, man's best friend.

-Wahhh!

-Hacker! Hacker!

Digby.

-So how's it going?

-Oh, fine, you know.

-I love you, Hacker!

-I love you, Digby! Ohh!

-Hacker!

-Digby!

The greatest magician in town!

-You've got a cat?

-HE GROWLS

-HE HISSES

-Come here, Hacker.

Hold me!

Oh, aren't you a little cutie?

Look, Nigel, it's some sort of meerkat, I think.

Meerkat? Get off me! I'm not having this from you. In my condition!

-BOTH: One, two, three!

-Ooh!

-Oh.

-Immobilise suspect!

-ALARM BLARES

HACKER YELLS

Aneeka-shima-shoa!

-Hacker, will you please unclip the lead?

-Sorry.

-Whoopsie.

-Good morning.

HE YELLS

HE GULPS

APPLAUSE

Don't milk it, Hacker. I'm the star reporter.

-They're here to see me.

-But they love me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Do you mind?

-Just...

Ladies and gentlemen... Stop it!

Do you mind? What?

Stop! And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what I brought you here to see.

-You brought them here?

-Yes, Digby. This is my lecture.

Do you seriously think you were invited here

because of your outstanding work as a reporter?

No! I thought the best way to teach these students

is to show them exactly what not to do.

Because every good reporter needs

to be nothing like Digby D Digworth.

Because as we all know, the D stands for Disaster-area.

From helping criminals to steal paintings

to ruining a chef's reputation,

and who can forget the destruction of the scout hut you wanted to save?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is all in a day's work

for Digby Disaster-area Digworth. The evidence.

-Accident prone? Not me.

-You broke that mug this morning.

Yes, that was an accident, Hacker.

-CRACKING

-Aghhh!

-Where is she?

-Oh!

-Back in a minute, Lenny!

Dignity at all times.

My computer!

-Coming!

-CLATTERING

Mr Lucanal. Let me help you up.

Ohh!

Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

No, wait, wait, I think I've got it.

RIPPING Agh!

I'm still worried about this eye, though.

Just a little...

-Oh, Digby!

-Not again!

Ohh, double budgies!

No-one is coming in here and breaking your valuables

while Digby D Digworth is around. And do you know why?

Ohh! Heavens! Dear Betsy!

Because you've already broken them?

You're such a worry wart, Hacker. I know what I'm doing.

I'm hardly going to damage the one thing that could keep me in a job.

Only a complete idiot would do that.

CLATTERING

-Digby!

-HE GROANS

I think we got away with that, Hacker. Do you think they'll notice?

Nah.

Nooooo!

-I think they noticed.

-Yeah.

For all scouts everywhere,

this irreplaceable, indestructible,

irresistible hut.

CREAKING

-Stop! Turn it off, Hacker! Turn it off!

-It won't work!

Oww!

-I'm only showing them journalistic facts, Digby!

-OK.

Maybe I'm not the best reporter in the world. And I might not

get everything right first time. But I always try my best!

I work hard. I look after my friends.

And I have everybody's best interests at heart.

And when things do go wrong,

it's only because I'm trying so hard to make them go right!

And yes, so maybe I'm not the sort of reporter

who always get the scoop, but I'm also not the sort

who would trap someone's hand in a biscuit barrel!

-It's not my fault someone can't take a joke.

-If that's what it takes

to be a successful reporter like you,

then you can forget fame and fortune,

because I will settle for being bumbling,

big-hearted, Digby Disaster-area Digworth

any day of the week!

HE CLAPS

THEY ALL CLAP

I'll give him five seconds before he messes this up again.

Five, four, three,

two, one.

Easy now.

BIRDS TWEET

Smile!

Bumbling Reporter Really Takes The Biscuit?

Brings shame on the Pilbury Post? DIGBY DIGWORTH!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

# S-C-O-O-P