Episode 1 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot!

Today we invite 12 death-defying, brave attackers

to take on those dastardly defenders

as they strive to capture the treasured Splatalot crown.

Will the defenders succeed and preserve the kingdom of Splatalot?

Or will the attackers emerge victorious?

Expect tumbling, tilting, teetering and plenty of splatting!

Pffft!

We're Dick and Dom, if you've NEVER seen this before,

welcome to Splatalot.

Hang on! What if they have seen it? Are they not welcome?

-Well, everyone's welcome. OK?

-OK.

-Good.

And welcome to 12 brave young attackers who are going to take on

three of the most exciting and challenging courses devised.

On that final course, the bravest of these warriors

will claim the crown and become the ruler of Splatalot.

Here's the first challenge.

It's the moat guarding the entrance. This challenge is about speed.

Only the six fastest will make it to the Stockade,

where two more will be ejected. Then on to the toughest course

where you're WELCOME to fight for that crown.

And WELCOME to be splatted.

Can't get more WELCOMING than that. Here's round one in more detail.

We roll out the Baffling Barrels to get things started.

-Then to the Terrifying Mace.

-Which isn't as bad as it looks...worse!

Then the Impossible Incline.

It doesn't get easier, the Beastly Battle-axes are next,

often producing the most spectacular splats.

The Rope Bridge of Disaster is then standing by

and then finally the Perilous Pole Vault.

Could it get any tougher?!

It looks like it can!

Here are this week's defenders - it's their job to protect that crown.

Here's shy, retiring Gildar,

quietly spoken Kookaburra

and that cheeky bundle of mischief, Ballista.

-Trust us, you'll get wet!

-Wet!

Time to see if defence is indeed better than attack

on the show named "top splat destination" by Splat Quarterly.

What, we even beat Splatiland Paris?!

Yes! Well, here's our first attacker Matt,

who says he quite likes our little castle.

SHOUTS: I am here to destroy Splatalot!

Charming. I thought you said he liked us?

Well, off he goes!

The only thing that's getting destroyed here is you!

I know you can't see me, but when you get around the corner

you're going to see the best-looking defender!

Matt's battle-cry has got the defenders riled!

He's doing well on the Mace, but the Impossible Incline, well...

It's impossible!

And look at that!

He gives us our first splat of the day,

which puts me in a good mood - splatty datty ding dongs!

-On to the Battle-axes.

-How are you doing, Matt?

You don't mind if I call you Fiona?

Confusing tactics there from Kookaburra!

Matt unsure of his footing and unsure about being called Fiona.

He's made it to the Perilous Pole Vault and...

-Splat! Into the chicken chow mein!

-Gee, Fiona!

Matt makes it in an amazing 2.4... Oh!

-Slippery slaphead!

-That's embarrassing.

Not even the course and he's falling over! Bananarama!

That was awkward, but he's almost certainly through. Now, Gita!

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!

Hmm, well, Gita seems to be employing a similar tactic to Kookaburra -

-namely confusion!

-"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing?"

I don't understand, but it doesn't matter.

I'm just going to knock you into the moat!

Ooh, totally monkey splats!

An interesting tactic, but if you confuse the defenders

-they just get more angry.

-Into the chop suey!

Gita now onto the Battle-axes. That's it, nice and steady, Gita!

Oh!

There she goes. She seems to be trying a new tactic.

Stepping across the base of the axes - good idea!

-No!

-Oh, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

That was an entertaining round from Gita and a dance at the end.

OK, here's Laura, also struggling with the Battle-axes.

Sock monkeys!

Didn't understand and I don't understand this. Up...down.

We'll come back to this later.

Here is attacker number four, Addison!

I'm cooler than everyone else on this show! YEAH!

If you say you're cool, doesn't that mean you're not cool?

I don't know, but I think THAT was pretty cool!

What, it was cool cos it wasn't cool?

All right, how are you doing, Addison?

-You doing all right, mate?

-Oh, Kookaburra trying to be pally.

-That's cool, isn't it?

-Mango thwacko and so was that!

That was cool cos is wasn't cool.

Cool is the opposite of what you mean?

-Yeah, which is why you're the coolest guy I know.

-Thank you!

-Hey!

-Hay is what horses eat, buddy!

Now, Kookaburra's one cool customer.

He's keeping Addison at bay with that chilled water cannon

Well put, have a cool point.

So, Addison makes it home in 4.34.

He must lose a cool point for that movement!

Meanwhile, remember Laura?

She's having one of those, "Up aaaand down rounds"!

-Meet attacker number five, Jordan.

-Oranges!

Let's celebrate the beauty and majesty of Splatalot

by setting Jordan's round to music.

MUSIC: "Minuet" by Luigi Boccherini

-McSplatter!

-Beautiful!

Oh, look at that!

-A boo-boo!

-Oh, armpit!

-So majestic and... Oh, er, she's ruined it!

-Oh!

Load it up again!

Jordan finishes with a masterclass from Kookaburra!

With a time of 11.02 she needed a masterclass in moat challenges!

Thank you, off you go!

Here's Laura, again.

She finished in around 11 minutes.

Anything is possible, but that time is in the danger zone!

-Here's attacker number six, Ashley!

-Yee-haw!

Yee-haw, indeed(!)

Hello, I'm the mighty Gildar and I'll be defending the castle.

-Charming as ever! But what's this?!

-It's not working?!

-Er, what happens now?

-THE WEAPON ISN'T WORKING!

It's not my fault, the weapon isn't working!

If I were Ashley I'd get round this course as quick as possible!

-Yeah!

-So, er, will this round be allowed?

-Apparently so and it's a good time of 3.33!

-Controversial!

Matt is our leader, but the time to beat is 11.02 from Jordan,

although Gita and Laura must be worried about their times.

That doesn't seem fair, wasn't his fault!

As they say, "A bad defender always blames his cannon."

I say I wouldn't want to be an attacker in the second half

cos those defenders are going to be pretty angry out there!

So, what do we make of the attackers so far?

Matt is someone to look out for.

He said he was here to destroy Splatalot,

but slipped during his victory dance! Ha, castle one, Matt nil!

Ashley sprinted over the moat, but Gildar's weapon had jammed,

so maybe she hasn't been tested yet?

Addison was too cool for school,

but Gita's, "Ain't no thing but a chicken wing" was cooler.

We've got characters, but have they got what it takes to rule?

Have we seen our king or queen?

Or is our new ruler one of the six about to face the moat challenge?

Everything hangs in the balance at this stage.

No-one's definitely through, no-one's been eliminated,

it's all to play for!

At least the remaining attackers know what they have to beat to survive.

Matt is our current leader, but the real time to beat is 11.02 - Jordan.

Gita and Laura must be worried about their times too.

Kookaburra is on the water cannon and Gildar's Splatzooka is working!

The defenders are pretty charged up for this!

It's a beautiful day for splatting, let's get back to the course.

Our next brave Attacker is Tyler.

Let's go!

Time for some slime, Attacker!

-Tyler's a pretty big guy for his age.

-Come on, big boy!

Oh, Splatpants! Yes, he may be, but the barrels are no respecter of size.

I don't think it's an advantage on this course.

Tyler, I am the mighty Gildar, how do you do?

Whoa, whoa, no taunting!

-Ha! I didn't miss that time!

-Oh! Gildar's really got it in for Tyler!

Oh wibblepuff, and so's the Mace!

Don't worry - three, four million people saw that, max.

And now they're going to see it again -

look at that, that is quite a slappy splatty!

There he is! Oh-y!

You look like you could beat Gildar in an arm wrestle. What are you, 25?

There's an age limit!

Kookaburra adding insult to the injuries!

They're ganging up on Tyler.

He's got to the Battle-axes, he's got them to contend with!

But he steps calmly and easily over the Battle-axes and...

-Biff, baff, boofy-woofy splat!

-He'd done all the hard work

and another mighty splat into the egg foo yung!

I think it's cos the course is made for 15-year-olds and you're 25!

That's why you're finding it hard.

Kookaburra won't shut up - what's worse, the cannon, or his mouth?

The tactic doesn't work and Tyler makes it over.

-OK, well done!

-A worthy challenger!

-Tyler makes it in a reasonable time of 5.56.

-Well done, sir!

-That could be good enough.

-Here's our next attacker, Michelle.

Forever and always.

"Forever and always", that's how I think of me and you, mate!

-Me too, I wake up screaming!

-Bit harsh!

I have a weapon I'd like to shoot. I can't do that until you climb up.

Factually accurate from Gildar!

What's Michelle got on her feet?! Slip-Slippers?!

-You've done that gag before.

-I'm recycling.

That look from Kookaburra says it all. Michelle's not laughing either!

Out she goes, as 12.12 is too slow.

-At least Jackie has made it up the slope!

-It is game time!

-Jackie, hello, my name is Gildar.

-Wibbly, wobbly, splat!

Say what you want, Gildar's unusually polite for a bad guy.

Splatty! I bet Jackie thinks he's the perfect gentleman(!)

-Jack-Jack-Jackie!

-That's all she needs. Kookaburra chipping in!

Mid-way you're going to fall on your butt.

-A mid-way butt!

-Into the wetness. He was spot on!

Put your feathers together! Ha-ha-ha!

This is Kooknav.

The course as Kookaburra sees it

and he's been steering the attackers towards trouble all day.

Jackie has driven into the top six, with a time of 4.19.

Back to the course! Here's attacker number 10. This is Charlie.

-It's good to be king!

-Ooh, he's pumped!

-That all you got?

-Steady on!

That's going to be backfire, if he's not careful! Oh, thwacka!

-Everybody wants to be a bigshot!

-That's good coming from Gildar!

Charlie does well on the Mace, but like so many,

he overshoots the Impossible Incline

and kersplatty something or other, into the sweet and sour sauce!

Leave this to me. Kook's my name and splats my game, brother man!

Yeah, sprint it, buddy!

Wet, wet, WET! Liquid lover!

-That was going to happen!

-Text book attack.

Which brings us to a new section I like to call...Kook And His Cannon.

It's all right, mate, love is in the air! Woo!

-Ah-ah-ah-er-whoa-ah!

-Dripping wet! Wetty splatty!

-Could it get any wetter?

-Yes, it could. Allow me to introduce

Kook And His Cannon: the Weather Edition.

Yes, somewhere in that torrential rain is our next attacker, Wesley!

-Them scratchy potatoes!

-All this moisture!

Who knows WHAT Wesley said, we've got water clogging our ears.

You don't have to check out Niagara Falls! You've been here!

Do you think that water will affect his grip?

-There's your answer!

-Oh, I've just thought of another one!

-Please, no!

Allow me to introduce Kook And His Cannon: The Musical Edition,

-with Alex.

-All the way!

I hope you know what you're doing! This one better be worth it!

# Oh it's raining

# It's raining

-# It's raining in... #

-What a voice!

Don't think it'll be number one, but it had a message.

Has this turned into Splatalot's Got Talent, or something? Sploshingtons!

My name's the Kookaburra! I'll be here all night. Thank you!

And let's thank his co-stars - Charlie, who's into the next round.

Wesley, who's through and Alex, who sadly isn't. Ah, splat business!

-OK, any more special sections?

-Hmm-no.

-Good, can we reveal the top six?

-Hmm-yeah!

-Matt, Ashley, Charlie, Wesley, Jackie and Addison.

-The prodigy.

-I've just thought of another one! It's Kook And His...

-Foam pie?

-Eh?

I like it. Here's what's coming up in round two.

It's the Foam-Filled Stockade, with a new batch of Defenders.

And a gang load of thwacks, splashes and, of course, splats.

-BOTH: Wow!

-What an amazing first round.

Matt is in the lead, Ashley and Charlie are behind.

What about Kookaburra and his cannon? Gildar and his splatzooka?

-If that wasn't enough...

-That's enough, dear.

A reminder of the six Attackers who made it.

We have Matt, Ashley, Charlie, Wesley, Jacqueline and Addison -

ooh, nice splat there!

So, let's remind ourselves how they got here. DOM GRUNTS

The six fastest qualified from round one, yes. DOM GRUNTS

Ah, but now everyone starts from scratch. DOM GRUNTS

And only four will make it through to the final,

where someone will claim the crown...and a woollen sock.

Argh!

A sock?! A stock!

Cos it's time for The Stockade! You all right?

The Attackers start off strapped to the Wheel Of Certain Doom.

Once disorientated they head to build their ladders to escape,

but those rungs don't fit any old slot, so it's not that easy.

Then they have to make it to the top,

where they will find four flags.

Only four Attackers will survive the Stockade.

Ye-hes! At the end of this round, two attackers will be thrown out.

-As they say, "Rules is rules".

-Shouldn't that be, "Rules are rules"?

-You see, it's plural.

-I don't make the rules.

These guys don't keep to them - the Defenders!

She's only happy when she's snappy, it's Crocness!

Followed by the prickly and spikey Thorne.

Finally, armour-clad Knightriss.

-Back up!

-I'm trying! I'm trying!

There they are. All strapped in and about to get very messy indeed.

To help you follow, Matt is in the blue helmet,

Wesley's in black, Ashley's about to get unrecognisable,

Jacqueline's hanging in, Addison's smiling

and Charlie is frozen rigid.

So, here comes the foam!

Knightriss makes the turntable extra slippery!

-Well, she's in one of her funny moods!

-When you say funny?

I mean scary.

-Hey, they're off and Charlie's the first to grab a rung!

-Ha!

Have some of that!

That's quick, he's got his first rung in place.

Time for you to shower off a bit!

Thorne proving accurate with the cannon.

-A back-splat for Jacqueline!

-Slow them down!

The natural progression for a defender like Thorne is into foam,

but Knightriss looks like she'll be keeping the job for a while.

It's too messy to know who's in the lead.

-Who'd be a commentator, eh?

-We are.

-Oh, yeah.

-Crocness has something for you!

-A classic error from Wesley.

Don't look up when a defender's above you! Whacka, right in the...

-Ooh, splat into that!

-Oh!

-Hey, you on the turntable!

-I've got a present!

-Addison took your advice.

He didn't look up and just as well. A direct splat from Thorne.

Well, it's still chaos out there.

-But what's this?!

-These guys are making me angry!

Thorne doesn't want to be the butt of his joke,

-but Ashley suffers and Matt escapes!

-Missed me! Now you got to...

-Splat you, is the next part of that.

-Not as easy as it seems, is it?

It never seemed that easy to begin with, love.

-Hello, there!

-Jacqueline now on the ladder, but so is Crocness.

Wesley is also being splatted in the face,

but he is the first to finish his ladder!

Look at that - Slimy! Yes, he's way out in front,

but that means more attention from the defenders.

The competition is heating up and Wesley is the first to grab a flag!

The rest just seem happy to take a few more knocks, tumbles and splats.

Wesley now climbing the ladder,

despite Crocness and Thorne he is the first to finish!

That doesn't stop Thorne giving him a thorough sliming.

Monosodium glutamate.

So, three flags and five Attackers remain,

it just got that little bit tougher!

Addison is the next to take a flag

and off he goes towards his ladder and Thorne.

Seems I've got to motivate you more! Come on!

-You'd think you'd given up already!

-Now what was Thorne thinking?

He taunts Ashley and misses Addison! Two attackers are now through.

Looks like Matt is making his move now and yes, he's got the third flag!

Ashley, having escaped Thorne,

is now being pummelled by the annihilating arm!

-Ow!

-Ooh! Kersplunge, great splat!

Matt climbs the ladder, but Knightriss is there!

Looks like your face needs a clean!

Thorne's put-down's not as deadly as his cannon skills!

-Try telling that to his face!

-Yeah, baby! Woo!

And Matt's at the top, so just one flag remains.

Charlie is out there, so is Ashley.

-And Jacqueline makes three!

-Easy pickings for the defenders.

Charlie has the flag in sight...he's got it!

Oh! And Ashley's given up, look at that!

Jackie's still building her ladder,

no point cos Charlie has claimed the final spot!

-I am the king!

-He's happy about it!

So are the others, look at that! They seem to be doing a dance.

-Perhaps inspired by some tea-towels drying in the wind?

-What?

We say goodbye to the girls,

which means we are left with Wesley, Addison, Matt and Charlie.

So, 12 became six, six became four, four will soon become one

and then one, and then one...

And then one shuts up before one makes a fool of oneself, yes?

-Ha! You sound like the Queen.

-No queen this week.

Coming up in our all-male final, find out who's got to Gildar.

SHOUTS: What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?

Hey, ever since Gildar broke his splatzooka

there's been nervous tension in the air.

-Could have been those Scotch eggs I had for lunch!

-Yeah.

Do you think a Scotch egg would be a useful weapon

against the Attackers?

Nah, it's too light. I bet they don't even fly straight.

BOINGING Oh, yeah.

What a tournament so far!

12 Attackers started the first round.

Then the fastest six moved on to the stockade.

And now we are left with four amazing finalists!

And potentially one of the most exciting tournaments

we've ever had here on Splatalot. I mean, I have to say.

I was right, they don't fly straight! Here's a reminder of our Attackers.

Addison, Matt, Charlie and Wesley.

As ever, it's a combination of skills that will lead to victory.

Courage, speed, strength and mental toughness.

They need to stare terror in the face and... HE GASPS

-Oh! Sorry, I think I just stared terror in the face.

-What?

It's just our reflection in the camera.

Looks like it's...bleurgh!

Talking of terror, here are the Defenders.

All six will be joining forces to take down the remaining Attackers.

Let's look at the course. They start with a pole drop into foam.

Then it's on to the teeters and over the barriers to the Bouncy Buoys.

Then it's the water wall that separates them and the crown.

So, here's how they line up.

Matt is on the far left, Addison and Wesley in the middle

and Charlie far right.

Here come the Defenders.

DEFENDERS: DEFENCE!

DEFENDERS: DEFENCE...

-Yeah, a bit obvious considering they're Defenders!

-WAILING KLAXON

There's the Klaxon and we're off!

And the defenders wasted no time with the slime. Splat, splat, splat!

-Time for a shower!

-Do you think Kookaburra ever shuts up?

They're on to the teeter-totters and the tottering has already started!

The Defenders need to look out for Addison and Wesley - Wesley, in fact!

He's almost over the barrier!

-I do love the fog of war!

-Here comes the fog,

but there goes Wesley with a giant leap onto the buoy!

Wow! He was like a leopard, a jaguar and a cougar rolled into one.

-Don't forget your favourite.

-Oh, an orang-utan, yes.

Matt and Charlie still struggling on the teeters.

And there goes Addison, not too buoyant.

-It's time for slime!

-Look at that! Accurate splatting from Crocness.

And it time for the waterwall to start waterwalling!

Thorne clouding the issue there and Matt teetering on the edge!

Oh, split, splat, splot! It's not a bucking bronco contest, Matt!

They're getting away! The crown, the crown!

They're getting the crown!

-I don't see you doing anything!

-I'm working on it!

Gildar and Thorne bickering

and again it allows the Attackers to make ground!

I have to do everything myself around here! That toad's done!

Ballista putting the boys in their place.

Charlie and Matt still not over the teeters,

but Wesley is now climbing the wall.

Charlie finding the barrier of all barriers a barrier too far!

Thorne is focussing his fog on Matt,

but it looks like Wesley is going to make it.

The Defenders can't do anything about it now!

Look, look, look, look, look!

He's there!

-He has the crown and is our new champion!

-Ah!

What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?!

I might as well go up there,

get the crown and hand it to them myself!

Someone's over-tired!

I think Gildar needs to spend time on the naughty step!

-He calls that a happy dance.

-Woo!

-This is a happy dance!

-Is it?

-This!

Hm. Oh, dear, Kookaburra's trying to go to his happy place.

That outburst has sent the Defenders into a tailspin.

It's too sad to watch. The fact remains that Wesley's champion

and the new king of Splatalot!

Ha! Now that, THAT was something else, huh?

The Attackers have been playing mind games with the Defenders

all day, huh?

-And it looks like the defenders totally lost it!

-Ha!

Suppose that's one way of putting it!

Come on! Admit it, the Defenders were gibbering wrecks

and the Attackers, they can be proud.

Their great, great, great grandparents will be proud.

And Wesley, for winning, he deserves more than just a crown,

he deserves a boiled egg with meat around it, a soap on a rope

and a big fat pickled wally!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Here's Splat Of The Day.

Well, as you'd expect, there were plenty of contenders today.

We've had tumbles, drops, squishes,

juicings, leaps, lunges AND victories!

Yes, and during his victory dance,

Matt got a little carried away with his choreography.

Ouch!

It sums it all up, really. The Splat Of The Day was an unassisted fall,

nothing to do with the Defenders, eh, Kookaburra?

Back to the more impressive tale of Wesley's path to glory.

-Which started with that battle cry!

-Them scratchy potatoes!

-Nah, something about potatoes. I don't know.

-It's them scratchy ones!

He got through round one, was the first out of the Stockade

and led from start to finish in round three.

The champion!

Well, we'll have plenty more SPLATS for you soon, guaranteed.

Hm, but for now, we'll leave you with Wesley and the flag ceremony.

See you next time!

-CHEERING

-I'm the King of the Castle!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]