Episode 1 Splatalot


Episode 1

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Transcript


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Welcome to Splatalot!

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Today we invite 12 death-defying, brave attackers

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to take on those dastardly defenders

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as they strive to capture the treasured Splatalot crown.

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Will the defenders succeed and preserve the kingdom of Splatalot?

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Or will the attackers emerge victorious?

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Expect tumbling, tilting, teetering and plenty of splatting!

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Pffft!

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We're Dick and Dom, if you've NEVER seen this before,

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welcome to Splatalot.

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Hang on! What if they have seen it? Are they not welcome?

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-Well, everyone's welcome. OK?

-OK.

-Good.

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And welcome to 12 brave young attackers who are going to take on

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three of the most exciting and challenging courses devised.

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On that final course, the bravest of these warriors

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will claim the crown and become the ruler of Splatalot.

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Here's the first challenge.

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It's the moat guarding the entrance. This challenge is about speed.

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Only the six fastest will make it to the Stockade,

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where two more will be ejected. Then on to the toughest course

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where you're WELCOME to fight for that crown.

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And WELCOME to be splatted.

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Can't get more WELCOMING than that. Here's round one in more detail.

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We roll out the Baffling Barrels to get things started.

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-Then to the Terrifying Mace.

-Which isn't as bad as it looks...worse!

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Then the Impossible Incline.

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It doesn't get easier, the Beastly Battle-axes are next,

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often producing the most spectacular splats.

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The Rope Bridge of Disaster is then standing by

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and then finally the Perilous Pole Vault.

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Could it get any tougher?!

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It looks like it can!

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Here are this week's defenders - it's their job to protect that crown.

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Here's shy, retiring Gildar,

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quietly spoken Kookaburra

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and that cheeky bundle of mischief, Ballista.

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-Trust us, you'll get wet!

-Wet!

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Time to see if defence is indeed better than attack

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on the show named "top splat destination" by Splat Quarterly.

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What, we even beat Splatiland Paris?!

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Yes! Well, here's our first attacker Matt,

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who says he quite likes our little castle.

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SHOUTS: I am here to destroy Splatalot!

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Charming. I thought you said he liked us?

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Well, off he goes!

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The only thing that's getting destroyed here is you!

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I know you can't see me, but when you get around the corner

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you're going to see the best-looking defender!

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Matt's battle-cry has got the defenders riled!

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He's doing well on the Mace, but the Impossible Incline, well...

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It's impossible!

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And look at that!

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He gives us our first splat of the day,

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which puts me in a good mood - splatty datty ding dongs!

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-On to the Battle-axes.

-How are you doing, Matt?

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You don't mind if I call you Fiona?

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Confusing tactics there from Kookaburra!

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Matt unsure of his footing and unsure about being called Fiona.

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He's made it to the Perilous Pole Vault and...

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-Splat! Into the chicken chow mein!

-Gee, Fiona!

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Matt makes it in an amazing 2.4... Oh!

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-Slippery slaphead!

-That's embarrassing.

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Not even the course and he's falling over! Bananarama!

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That was awkward, but he's almost certainly through. Now, Gita!

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Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!

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Hmm, well, Gita seems to be employing a similar tactic to Kookaburra -

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-namely confusion!

-"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing?"

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I don't understand, but it doesn't matter.

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I'm just going to knock you into the moat!

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Ooh, totally monkey splats!

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An interesting tactic, but if you confuse the defenders

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-they just get more angry.

-Into the chop suey!

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Gita now onto the Battle-axes. That's it, nice and steady, Gita!

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Oh!

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There she goes. She seems to be trying a new tactic.

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Stepping across the base of the axes - good idea!

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-No!

-Oh, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

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That was an entertaining round from Gita and a dance at the end.

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OK, here's Laura, also struggling with the Battle-axes.

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Sock monkeys!

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Didn't understand and I don't understand this. Up...down.

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We'll come back to this later.

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Here is attacker number four, Addison!

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I'm cooler than everyone else on this show! YEAH!

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If you say you're cool, doesn't that mean you're not cool?

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I don't know, but I think THAT was pretty cool!

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What, it was cool cos it wasn't cool?

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All right, how are you doing, Addison?

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-You doing all right, mate?

-Oh, Kookaburra trying to be pally.

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-That's cool, isn't it?

-Mango thwacko and so was that!

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That was cool cos is wasn't cool.

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Cool is the opposite of what you mean?

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-Yeah, which is why you're the coolest guy I know.

-Thank you!

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-Hey!

-Hay is what horses eat, buddy!

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Now, Kookaburra's one cool customer.

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He's keeping Addison at bay with that chilled water cannon

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Well put, have a cool point.

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So, Addison makes it home in 4.34.

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He must lose a cool point for that movement!

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Meanwhile, remember Laura?

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She's having one of those, "Up aaaand down rounds"!

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-Meet attacker number five, Jordan.

-Oranges!

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Let's celebrate the beauty and majesty of Splatalot

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by setting Jordan's round to music.

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MUSIC: "Minuet" by Luigi Boccherini

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-McSplatter!

-Beautiful!

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Oh, look at that!

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-A boo-boo!

-Oh, armpit!

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-So majestic and... Oh, er, she's ruined it!

-Oh!

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Load it up again!

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Jordan finishes with a masterclass from Kookaburra!

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With a time of 11.02 she needed a masterclass in moat challenges!

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Thank you, off you go!

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Here's Laura, again.

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She finished in around 11 minutes.

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Anything is possible, but that time is in the danger zone!

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-Here's attacker number six, Ashley!

-Yee-haw!

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Yee-haw, indeed(!)

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Hello, I'm the mighty Gildar and I'll be defending the castle.

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-Charming as ever! But what's this?!

-It's not working?!

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-Er, what happens now?

-THE WEAPON ISN'T WORKING!

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It's not my fault, the weapon isn't working!

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If I were Ashley I'd get round this course as quick as possible!

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-Yeah!

-So, er, will this round be allowed?

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-Apparently so and it's a good time of 3.33!

-Controversial!

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Matt is our leader, but the time to beat is 11.02 from Jordan,

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although Gita and Laura must be worried about their times.

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That doesn't seem fair, wasn't his fault!

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As they say, "A bad defender always blames his cannon."

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I say I wouldn't want to be an attacker in the second half

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cos those defenders are going to be pretty angry out there!

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So, what do we make of the attackers so far?

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Matt is someone to look out for.

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He said he was here to destroy Splatalot,

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but slipped during his victory dance! Ha, castle one, Matt nil!

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Ashley sprinted over the moat, but Gildar's weapon had jammed,

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so maybe she hasn't been tested yet?

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Addison was too cool for school,

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but Gita's, "Ain't no thing but a chicken wing" was cooler.

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We've got characters, but have they got what it takes to rule?

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Have we seen our king or queen?

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Or is our new ruler one of the six about to face the moat challenge?

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Everything hangs in the balance at this stage.

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No-one's definitely through, no-one's been eliminated,

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it's all to play for!

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At least the remaining attackers know what they have to beat to survive.

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Matt is our current leader, but the real time to beat is 11.02 - Jordan.

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Gita and Laura must be worried about their times too.

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Kookaburra is on the water cannon and Gildar's Splatzooka is working!

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The defenders are pretty charged up for this!

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It's a beautiful day for splatting, let's get back to the course.

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Our next brave Attacker is Tyler.

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Let's go!

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Time for some slime, Attacker!

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-Tyler's a pretty big guy for his age.

-Come on, big boy!

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Oh, Splatpants! Yes, he may be, but the barrels are no respecter of size.

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I don't think it's an advantage on this course.

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Tyler, I am the mighty Gildar, how do you do?

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Whoa, whoa, no taunting!

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-Ha! I didn't miss that time!

-Oh! Gildar's really got it in for Tyler!

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Oh wibblepuff, and so's the Mace!

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Don't worry - three, four million people saw that, max.

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And now they're going to see it again -

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look at that, that is quite a slappy splatty!

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There he is! Oh-y!

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You look like you could beat Gildar in an arm wrestle. What are you, 25?

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There's an age limit!

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Kookaburra adding insult to the injuries!

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They're ganging up on Tyler.

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He's got to the Battle-axes, he's got them to contend with!

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But he steps calmly and easily over the Battle-axes and...

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-Biff, baff, boofy-woofy splat!

-He'd done all the hard work

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and another mighty splat into the egg foo yung!

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I think it's cos the course is made for 15-year-olds and you're 25!

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That's why you're finding it hard.

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Kookaburra won't shut up - what's worse, the cannon, or his mouth?

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The tactic doesn't work and Tyler makes it over.

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-OK, well done!

-A worthy challenger!

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-Tyler makes it in a reasonable time of 5.56.

-Well done, sir!

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-That could be good enough.

-Here's our next attacker, Michelle.

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Forever and always.

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"Forever and always", that's how I think of me and you, mate!

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-Me too, I wake up screaming!

-Bit harsh!

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I have a weapon I'd like to shoot. I can't do that until you climb up.

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Factually accurate from Gildar!

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What's Michelle got on her feet?! Slip-Slippers?!

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-You've done that gag before.

-I'm recycling.

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That look from Kookaburra says it all. Michelle's not laughing either!

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Out she goes, as 12.12 is too slow.

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-At least Jackie has made it up the slope!

-It is game time!

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-Jackie, hello, my name is Gildar.

-Wibbly, wobbly, splat!

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Say what you want, Gildar's unusually polite for a bad guy.

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Splatty! I bet Jackie thinks he's the perfect gentleman(!)

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-Jack-Jack-Jackie!

-That's all she needs. Kookaburra chipping in!

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Mid-way you're going to fall on your butt.

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-A mid-way butt!

-Into the wetness. He was spot on!

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Put your feathers together! Ha-ha-ha!

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This is Kooknav.

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The course as Kookaburra sees it

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and he's been steering the attackers towards trouble all day.

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Jackie has driven into the top six, with a time of 4.19.

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Back to the course! Here's attacker number 10. This is Charlie.

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-It's good to be king!

-Ooh, he's pumped!

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-That all you got?

-Steady on!

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That's going to be backfire, if he's not careful! Oh, thwacka!

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-Everybody wants to be a bigshot!

-That's good coming from Gildar!

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Charlie does well on the Mace, but like so many,

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he overshoots the Impossible Incline

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and kersplatty something or other, into the sweet and sour sauce!

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Leave this to me. Kook's my name and splats my game, brother man!

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Yeah, sprint it, buddy!

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Wet, wet, WET! Liquid lover!

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-That was going to happen!

-Text book attack.

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Which brings us to a new section I like to call...Kook And His Cannon.

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It's all right, mate, love is in the air! Woo!

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-Ah-ah-ah-er-whoa-ah!

-Dripping wet! Wetty splatty!

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-Could it get any wetter?

-Yes, it could. Allow me to introduce

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Kook And His Cannon: the Weather Edition.

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Yes, somewhere in that torrential rain is our next attacker, Wesley!

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-Them scratchy potatoes!

-All this moisture!

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Who knows WHAT Wesley said, we've got water clogging our ears.

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You don't have to check out Niagara Falls! You've been here!

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Do you think that water will affect his grip?

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-There's your answer!

-Oh, I've just thought of another one!

-Please, no!

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Allow me to introduce Kook And His Cannon: The Musical Edition,

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-with Alex.

-All the way!

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I hope you know what you're doing! This one better be worth it!

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# Oh it's raining

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# It's raining

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-# It's raining in... #

-What a voice!

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Don't think it'll be number one, but it had a message.

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Has this turned into Splatalot's Got Talent, or something? Sploshingtons!

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My name's the Kookaburra! I'll be here all night. Thank you!

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And let's thank his co-stars - Charlie, who's into the next round.

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Wesley, who's through and Alex, who sadly isn't. Ah, splat business!

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-OK, any more special sections?

-Hmm-no.

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-Good, can we reveal the top six?

-Hmm-yeah!

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-Matt, Ashley, Charlie, Wesley, Jackie and Addison.

-The prodigy.

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-I've just thought of another one! It's Kook And His...

-Foam pie?

-Eh?

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I like it. Here's what's coming up in round two.

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It's the Foam-Filled Stockade, with a new batch of Defenders.

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And a gang load of thwacks, splashes and, of course, splats.

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-BOTH: Wow!

-What an amazing first round.

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Matt is in the lead, Ashley and Charlie are behind.

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What about Kookaburra and his cannon? Gildar and his splatzooka?

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-If that wasn't enough...

-That's enough, dear.

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A reminder of the six Attackers who made it.

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We have Matt, Ashley, Charlie, Wesley, Jacqueline and Addison -

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ooh, nice splat there!

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So, let's remind ourselves how they got here. DOM GRUNTS

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The six fastest qualified from round one, yes. DOM GRUNTS

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Ah, but now everyone starts from scratch. DOM GRUNTS

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And only four will make it through to the final,

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where someone will claim the crown...and a woollen sock.

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Argh!

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A sock?! A stock!

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Cos it's time for The Stockade! You all right?

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The Attackers start off strapped to the Wheel Of Certain Doom.

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Once disorientated they head to build their ladders to escape,

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but those rungs don't fit any old slot, so it's not that easy.

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Then they have to make it to the top,

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where they will find four flags.

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Only four Attackers will survive the Stockade.

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Ye-hes! At the end of this round, two attackers will be thrown out.

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-As they say, "Rules is rules".

-Shouldn't that be, "Rules are rules"?

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-You see, it's plural.

-I don't make the rules.

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These guys don't keep to them - the Defenders!

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She's only happy when she's snappy, it's Crocness!

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Followed by the prickly and spikey Thorne.

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Finally, armour-clad Knightriss.

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-Back up!

-I'm trying! I'm trying!

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There they are. All strapped in and about to get very messy indeed.

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To help you follow, Matt is in the blue helmet,

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Wesley's in black, Ashley's about to get unrecognisable,

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Jacqueline's hanging in, Addison's smiling

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and Charlie is frozen rigid.

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So, here comes the foam!

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Knightriss makes the turntable extra slippery!

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-Well, she's in one of her funny moods!

-When you say funny?

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I mean scary.

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-Hey, they're off and Charlie's the first to grab a rung!

-Ha!

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Have some of that!

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That's quick, he's got his first rung in place.

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Time for you to shower off a bit!

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Thorne proving accurate with the cannon.

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-A back-splat for Jacqueline!

-Slow them down!

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The natural progression for a defender like Thorne is into foam,

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but Knightriss looks like she'll be keeping the job for a while.

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It's too messy to know who's in the lead.

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-Who'd be a commentator, eh?

-We are.

-Oh, yeah.

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-Crocness has something for you!

-A classic error from Wesley.

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Don't look up when a defender's above you! Whacka, right in the...

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-Ooh, splat into that!

-Oh!

-Hey, you on the turntable!

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-I've got a present!

-Addison took your advice.

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He didn't look up and just as well. A direct splat from Thorne.

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Well, it's still chaos out there.

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-But what's this?!

-These guys are making me angry!

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Thorne doesn't want to be the butt of his joke,

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-but Ashley suffers and Matt escapes!

-Missed me! Now you got to...

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-Splat you, is the next part of that.

-Not as easy as it seems, is it?

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It never seemed that easy to begin with, love.

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-Hello, there!

-Jacqueline now on the ladder, but so is Crocness.

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Wesley is also being splatted in the face,

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but he is the first to finish his ladder!

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Look at that - Slimy! Yes, he's way out in front,

0:16:250:16:28

but that means more attention from the defenders.

0:16:280:16:31

The competition is heating up and Wesley is the first to grab a flag!

0:16:310:16:34

The rest just seem happy to take a few more knocks, tumbles and splats.

0:16:340:16:39

Wesley now climbing the ladder,

0:16:390:16:42

despite Crocness and Thorne he is the first to finish!

0:16:420:16:45

That doesn't stop Thorne giving him a thorough sliming.

0:16:450:16:49

Monosodium glutamate.

0:16:490:16:51

So, three flags and five Attackers remain,

0:16:520:16:54

it just got that little bit tougher!

0:16:540:16:57

Addison is the next to take a flag

0:17:000:17:02

and off he goes towards his ladder and Thorne.

0:17:020:17:04

Seems I've got to motivate you more! Come on!

0:17:040:17:07

-You'd think you'd given up already!

-Now what was Thorne thinking?

0:17:070:17:11

He taunts Ashley and misses Addison! Two attackers are now through.

0:17:110:17:16

Looks like Matt is making his move now and yes, he's got the third flag!

0:17:160:17:20

Ashley, having escaped Thorne,

0:17:200:17:22

is now being pummelled by the annihilating arm!

0:17:220:17:25

-Ow!

-Ooh! Kersplunge, great splat!

0:17:250:17:28

Matt climbs the ladder, but Knightriss is there!

0:17:280:17:30

Looks like your face needs a clean!

0:17:300:17:33

Thorne's put-down's not as deadly as his cannon skills!

0:17:330:17:36

-Try telling that to his face!

-Yeah, baby! Woo!

0:17:360:17:39

And Matt's at the top, so just one flag remains.

0:17:390:17:42

Charlie is out there, so is Ashley.

0:17:420:17:46

-And Jacqueline makes three!

-Easy pickings for the defenders.

0:17:460:17:50

Charlie has the flag in sight...he's got it!

0:17:500:17:53

Oh! And Ashley's given up, look at that!

0:17:530:17:56

Jackie's still building her ladder,

0:17:560:17:58

no point cos Charlie has claimed the final spot!

0:17:580:18:01

-I am the king!

-He's happy about it!

0:18:010:18:03

So are the others, look at that! They seem to be doing a dance.

0:18:030:18:07

-Perhaps inspired by some tea-towels drying in the wind?

-What?

0:18:070:18:10

We say goodbye to the girls,

0:18:100:18:12

which means we are left with Wesley, Addison, Matt and Charlie.

0:18:120:18:15

So, 12 became six, six became four, four will soon become one

0:18:150:18:19

and then one, and then one...

0:18:190:18:21

And then one shuts up before one makes a fool of oneself, yes?

0:18:210:18:25

-Ha! You sound like the Queen.

-No queen this week.

0:18:250:18:27

Coming up in our all-male final, find out who's got to Gildar.

0:18:270:18:31

SHOUTS: What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?

0:18:310:18:35

Hey, ever since Gildar broke his splatzooka

0:18:370:18:39

there's been nervous tension in the air.

0:18:390:18:42

-Could have been those Scotch eggs I had for lunch!

-Yeah.

0:18:420:18:46

Do you think a Scotch egg would be a useful weapon

0:18:460:18:48

against the Attackers?

0:18:480:18:50

Nah, it's too light. I bet they don't even fly straight.

0:18:500:18:53

BOINGING Oh, yeah.

0:18:530:18:55

What a tournament so far!

0:18:550:18:56

12 Attackers started the first round.

0:18:560:18:58

Then the fastest six moved on to the stockade.

0:18:580:19:01

And now we are left with four amazing finalists!

0:19:010:19:04

And potentially one of the most exciting tournaments

0:19:040:19:07

we've ever had here on Splatalot. I mean, I have to say.

0:19:070:19:10

I was right, they don't fly straight! Here's a reminder of our Attackers.

0:19:100:19:14

Addison, Matt, Charlie and Wesley.

0:19:140:19:17

As ever, it's a combination of skills that will lead to victory.

0:19:170:19:21

Courage, speed, strength and mental toughness.

0:19:210:19:24

They need to stare terror in the face and... HE GASPS

0:19:240:19:27

-Oh! Sorry, I think I just stared terror in the face.

-What?

0:19:310:19:35

It's just our reflection in the camera.

0:19:350:19:37

Looks like it's...bleurgh!

0:19:370:19:39

Talking of terror, here are the Defenders.

0:19:390:19:42

All six will be joining forces to take down the remaining Attackers.

0:19:420:19:46

Let's look at the course. They start with a pole drop into foam.

0:19:460:19:50

Then it's on to the teeters and over the barriers to the Bouncy Buoys.

0:19:500:19:54

Then it's the water wall that separates them and the crown.

0:19:540:19:58

So, here's how they line up.

0:19:580:20:00

Matt is on the far left, Addison and Wesley in the middle

0:20:000:20:04

and Charlie far right.

0:20:040:20:06

Here come the Defenders.

0:20:060:20:07

DEFENDERS: DEFENCE!

0:20:070:20:09

DEFENDERS: DEFENCE...

0:20:090:20:11

-Yeah, a bit obvious considering they're Defenders!

-WAILING KLAXON

0:20:110:20:15

There's the Klaxon and we're off!

0:20:150:20:18

And the defenders wasted no time with the slime. Splat, splat, splat!

0:20:180:20:22

-Time for a shower!

-Do you think Kookaburra ever shuts up?

0:20:220:20:26

They're on to the teeter-totters and the tottering has already started!

0:20:260:20:30

The Defenders need to look out for Addison and Wesley - Wesley, in fact!

0:20:300:20:34

He's almost over the barrier!

0:20:340:20:36

-I do love the fog of war!

-Here comes the fog,

0:20:360:20:39

but there goes Wesley with a giant leap onto the buoy!

0:20:390:20:42

Wow! He was like a leopard, a jaguar and a cougar rolled into one.

0:20:420:20:47

-Don't forget your favourite.

-Oh, an orang-utan, yes.

0:20:470:20:50

Matt and Charlie still struggling on the teeters.

0:20:500:20:53

And there goes Addison, not too buoyant.

0:20:530:20:56

-It's time for slime!

-Look at that! Accurate splatting from Crocness.

0:20:560:21:00

And it time for the waterwall to start waterwalling!

0:21:000:21:03

Thorne clouding the issue there and Matt teetering on the edge!

0:21:060:21:10

Oh, split, splat, splot! It's not a bucking bronco contest, Matt!

0:21:100:21:14

They're getting away! The crown, the crown!

0:21:140:21:18

They're getting the crown!

0:21:180:21:19

-I don't see you doing anything!

-I'm working on it!

0:21:190:21:22

Gildar and Thorne bickering

0:21:220:21:24

and again it allows the Attackers to make ground!

0:21:240:21:27

I have to do everything myself around here! That toad's done!

0:21:270:21:32

Ballista putting the boys in their place.

0:21:320:21:34

Charlie and Matt still not over the teeters,

0:21:340:21:37

but Wesley is now climbing the wall.

0:21:370:21:39

Charlie finding the barrier of all barriers a barrier too far!

0:21:390:21:42

Thorne is focussing his fog on Matt,

0:21:420:21:44

but it looks like Wesley is going to make it.

0:21:440:21:47

The Defenders can't do anything about it now!

0:21:470:21:50

Look, look, look, look, look!

0:21:500:21:52

He's there!

0:21:520:21:54

-He has the crown and is our new champion!

-Ah!

0:21:540:21:58

What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?!

0:21:580:22:01

I might as well go up there,

0:22:010:22:03

get the crown and hand it to them myself!

0:22:030:22:07

Someone's over-tired!

0:22:070:22:08

I think Gildar needs to spend time on the naughty step!

0:22:080:22:11

-He calls that a happy dance.

-Woo!

0:22:110:22:13

-This is a happy dance!

-Is it?

-This!

0:22:130:22:16

Hm. Oh, dear, Kookaburra's trying to go to his happy place.

0:22:160:22:19

That outburst has sent the Defenders into a tailspin.

0:22:190:22:22

It's too sad to watch. The fact remains that Wesley's champion

0:22:220:22:25

and the new king of Splatalot!

0:22:250:22:27

Ha! Now that, THAT was something else, huh?

0:22:280:22:31

The Attackers have been playing mind games with the Defenders

0:22:310:22:34

all day, huh?

0:22:340:22:35

-And it looks like the defenders totally lost it!

-Ha!

0:22:350:22:38

Suppose that's one way of putting it!

0:22:380:22:40

Come on! Admit it, the Defenders were gibbering wrecks

0:22:400:22:43

and the Attackers, they can be proud.

0:22:430:22:46

Their great, great, great grandparents will be proud.

0:22:460:22:49

And Wesley, for winning, he deserves more than just a crown,

0:22:490:22:52

he deserves a boiled egg with meat around it, a soap on a rope

0:22:520:22:56

and a big fat pickled wally!

0:22:560:22:57

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Here's Splat Of The Day.

0:22:570:23:00

Well, as you'd expect, there were plenty of contenders today.

0:23:030:23:07

We've had tumbles, drops, squishes,

0:23:070:23:09

juicings, leaps, lunges AND victories!

0:23:090:23:11

Yes, and during his victory dance,

0:23:110:23:14

Matt got a little carried away with his choreography.

0:23:140:23:17

Ouch!

0:23:170:23:18

It sums it all up, really. The Splat Of The Day was an unassisted fall,

0:23:180:23:22

nothing to do with the Defenders, eh, Kookaburra?

0:23:220:23:25

Back to the more impressive tale of Wesley's path to glory.

0:23:250:23:29

-Which started with that battle cry!

-Them scratchy potatoes!

0:23:290:23:33

-Nah, something about potatoes. I don't know.

-It's them scratchy ones!

0:23:330:23:36

He got through round one, was the first out of the Stockade

0:23:360:23:39

and led from start to finish in round three.

0:23:390:23:42

The champion!

0:23:420:23:43

Well, we'll have plenty more SPLATS for you soon, guaranteed.

0:23:430:23:46

Hm, but for now, we'll leave you with Wesley and the flag ceremony.

0:23:460:23:50

See you next time!

0:23:500:23:51

-CHEERING

-I'm the King of the Castle!

0:23:510:23:54

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0:24:020:24:05

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0:24:050:24:08

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