Episode 2 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot!

Today we invite a dozen bravehearted young warriors to go head to head

with the defiant Defenders.

At stake is the Splatalot kingdom, and this highly coveted crown!

Will the Defenders keep the castle and kingdom safe -

or will the Attackers rise to the challenge, and reign victorious?

Who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter, and who will go SPLAT?!

Hello, we're Dick and Dom...

And welcome to the only show on earth with a Medieval Moat,

a Rope Bridge of Disaster,

a Wheel of Certain Doom, an Annihilating Arm...

-Whoa, there!

-What?

-A Wheel of Certain Doom?

-Yes.

-A Rope Bridge of Disaster?

-Yes!

Isn't that just all a bit... terrifying?

No, no, no. The Terrifying Rolling Mace is...terrifying.

See...? There's another.

Can't we just give them nice names like...the Reasonable Rope Bridge,

the Wheel of Roundness, the Roly-Poly Rolling Mace -

wouldn't that be a bit nicer?

-Yeah, yeah... No!

-Fair enough. Here's what's coming up today.

We start with the Moat Challenge - it's a time trial,

and only the six fastest Attackers will make it through.

In round two they will have to seize one of four flags

before escaping the Stockade.

Four flags means only four finalists, all competing

to claim the Splatalot crown.

No-one said it was going to be easy.

Here's that Moat Challenge, in more detail.

The first thing facing the Attackers is the Pungent Plank...

-Then it's on to the Roly-Poly Mace...

-No, it's Terrifying!

OK. After the Impossible Incline, it's across the Beastly Battleaxes...

Then over the rope bridge of disaster...

Then the Debilitating Disc which completes the course.

So, the Attackers have got their work cut out for them.

That course is next to impossible -

even a perfect specimen like me would have trouble getting across.

Let's move on.

Making the challenges even harder are those dastardly Defenders.

She's your worst nightmare, Knightriss.

He's vain and a pain - it's Gildar.

And finally the joker in the pack - it's Kookaburra!

-Welcome to Splatalot!

-Mm-mm. Not welcome.

The Defenders are in position, the course is looking great -

bring out the Attackers. This round is against the clock.

-And kicking us off is Nick.

-Stinger!

-Nick, a man of few words...

-Actually one word.

I believe the Stinger has been stung.

Hello! I'll be your host for this evening, my name is Kookaburra.

It's all so polite.

Ohhh...! Then that happens.

As Gildar said, the Stinger has been stung, stung...

and stung again.

-But he's back up.

-Nicholas, I am the mighty Gildar...

I beg your pardon, Nicholas?

And into the dirty Norris.

-Did he say "Doop off"?

-I think it's German.

Well, it's certainly thrown the Defenders.

-Oh, and that's not all he's throwing!

-Hey! Uncalled for!

Can he use the Defenders' weapons against them?

Well, there's nothing in the rule book to say that he can't,

so we're letting it go.

Let's call it showing initiative!

The Battleaxes are next...

Get ready for a dooping...

Kookaburra, chirpy and irritating as always... Oooh!

There's nothing in the rule book that stops us watching that again...

and again...and not again.

Ah, Nicholas! How will you fare today?

Less dooping - more attacking.

Nicholas has really got to the Defenders...

Which isn't always the best plan - they often have the last splat.

Bull-whacka! What a naughty man.

And Nick is finding the disc debilitating.

You've been dooped.

Nick has finished, his time is 8.21,

-far from safe but still very good.

-Here's Ada.

I am a Giant!

-Ada claims to be a giant.

-Maybe it's in her spare time.

It's a giant struggle for her on the slope...

Eurgh... Eurgh...

-Ada, how handsome do you find me?

-Very beautiful!

-Ada, what about me?

-You're also very beautiful.

-This girl's going far.

-I don't want to dishearten you, chaps,

but I think she was using SARCASM.

I don't follow you.

Let's just follow Ada as she takes on the Impossible Incline.

Demonstrating a perfect slide-splat-splash manoeuvre.

It doesn't get splattier.

Not a bad time though, and it's the six fastest who go through.

Ada's being silly... So is Kook!

And next it's Charlie.

Don't fall in the water!

Well, that was like falling off a plank, Charlie.

And that might be just a little too laid-back from Kookaburra.

You've caught me at an awkward time -

I don't know whether to defend, or to eat my banana...

Well, Charlie's crossing the mace...

Now he's charging down the incline...

Ooh - Engelbert Humpersplat!

Hey, Kook just used his banana skin as another weapon!

It's not slapstick, it's SPLAT-stick.

You should do silent comedy. You're less funny when you talk.

Shut up. Charlie's at the Debilitating Disc.

How does it feel to be beaten down by a lady?

Huh? Huh? Knightriss! That's right!

But he's not over either...

There's nothing she can do now, and Charlie's made it over the line!

-Poor defending all round.

-Come on!

But don't take anything away from Charlie - 2.43 is a great time.

Here's our next Attacker, Anthony.

Whenever you're ready, mate...

Yippie-kai-yay!

HE LAUGHS Well, his battle cry was a tad late,

but it's all about his time.

Are you giving me some sass?

Anthony dealing with Gildar... The spiky mace is another matter!

Nothing I enjoy more than a good stopping of the sass.

Well, the message is loud and clear - don't get sassy,

or you'll get sploosh-wangled.

More from Anthony later. Here's Josephine!

Asia power!

Let's see how she does on the mace.

-Whoa! With the personal attacks.

-We're sassin' it up again.

I like it, though.

The Attackers are really dishing it out today...

But the course always finds a way of answering back.

And the answer here is stripping Josephine of her left shoe.

-So long... SOLE long(!)

-So...lame.

Whatever - Josephine, minus her shoe, courageously finishes on 9.47.

Back to the Sass-meister, here's Anthony at the disc.

-KNIGHTRISS:

-Are you ready?

-Ah...

And another splat for his collection.

He finishes with a time of 6.12, which should be good enough.

Here's Liam...

I like cheese!

Red Leicester(?) That's as maybe, but he doesn't like the mace -

the poor lad is frozen.

-Poor Kookaburra...is falling asleep.

-I know - I'll press this.

-Stop - you've gone too far.

-It won't stop!

What have I told you about touching expensive equipment?

-Give it to me...

-No! Aaargh...

TAPE KEEPS SPEEDING UP

What do we do now(?)

OK...! Here's the leaderboard.

Charlie has the top time of 2.43,

while Josephine is slowest with 9.47.

It's all still up against the clock so speed is everything!

-So you promise never to touch it again...

-Yes.

-If you see buttons...

-Don't press them.

-Even the shiny ones?

-Especially the shiny ones.

We're halfway through the first half.

Which is a bit nerve-tingly cos Attackers start to get eliminated.

Only the six fastest will survive

and with six more Attackers still to come,

no-one has secured their place in the next round.

Even the current leader isn't safe yet.

So here's a reminder of the leader board so far.

Charlie has the top time of 2.43,

but the time to beat in order to qualify

is 9.47 belonging to Josephine, in sixth place.

Knightriss, Kookaburra and Gildar are back on the course...

So it's time to get the second half underway.

No!

Hi, Mom!

Let's see how Tyler deals with Gildar.

Tyler, how are you today?

That's good. Is your mother watching?

Hello to Tyler's mom who is clearly impressed

by my handsome, Viking-like features.

I heard he printed 10,000 autographed cards and posted them all to himself!

It would take a brave warrior to recover from Gildar's nonsense.

-Oh, again, Tyler, hold on!

-Come on, Tyler!

Bungled! Gravity wins every time.

Watch again, doesn't it look like Tyler's floundering like a fish?

You've found another shiny button, haven't you?

-Did you press it on purpose?

-No, I pressed it on porpoise!

Tyler now with the Debilitating Disc to go.

Careful, my boy,

Knightriss has her eye on you.

That can't be pleasant when you're being pelted with water

-and hanging by a thread.

-Oh, burples!

Good effort but he's in the broth.

Sorry, Mum, that must be embarassing for you.

Says the world's most embarassing man.

Tyler won't mind because at the moment his time is good enough.

Here's Attacker number eight, Breanna.

I like cotton swabs and white glue!

Now, there's a happy face!

-Hi.

-Hello, Breanna.

That's not nice!

Not supposed to be nice, I am a Defender!

You look like Goldilocks!

Telling me I look like Goldilocks! I'm not laughing!

Meanwhile, back at the Mace...

Oh, goldigloop! Brea's making waves.

She certainly is.

I don't know how Goldilocks Gildar will recover from this! Replay it.

Do you think his paintballs were too hard, too soft

or just right?

Breanna progressing to the Incline.

-Gildar!

->

Oh, Kook's up to something.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Get the Attacker.

Brilliant!

Oh, now Knightriss is having a go!

Wait a minute, I got one.

Defend the castle!

Well, all you had to do was do this...

Cut it out!

Back to the action, Breanna on the Battleaxes...

Whoa, and off them!

Breanna boo-boo. That deserves a replay,

and Breanna deserves a medal because that's a potential Splat Of The Day!

No go.

Breanna boo-boo makes it over the finishing line

but she won't make it any further with that time.

Hard cheese, Brea!

It's not funny! Anyway, brie is a soft cheese.

All right, I was only monkeying around.

Oooaaaahhhh!

Looks like you've met your match with Janel, then!

Oh, and he's met his match on the Incline.

Hhhhauk-auk-auk!

Prize turkey impression for Melanie but a 'fowl' result on the Mace!

Cat face!

-Cat face?

-Oh, now there's a cat amongst the turkeys.

Have we wandered into Dick And Dom Go Wild?

Well, it is a jungle out there!

And the beastly Battleaxes don't care

what kind of beast you throw at them.

Monkeys, turkeys or cats, they're all going in the Moat.

Wey!

Oh... Oi!

But Melanie has found her way over and is crossing the Rope Bridge.

Trouble is, the next predator in the food chain is waiting.

There goes Janel...

And Heather makes three Rope Bridge casualties.

That's how it's done! Ha!

So, will they go wild about their times?

Janel has 5.53 and goes ape!

Melanie gobble-gobbled up the course in 4.41, a great time.

And Heather is purrr-fectly happy with 7.04

which is good enough for now.

Jonathan could change all that.

Feel the thunder!

And old Jonny wins Battle Cry Of The Day.

Could everyone be quiet? I'm trying to feel the thunder.

Feel the thunder!

-SOUND OF WIND BREAKING

-Oh!

I think the thunder was just a fart.

SOUND OF WIND BREAKING

Oh, jeez, oh...

Well, yes, that's certainly cleared the air.

-But Jonathan can't clear the Mace.

-We all felt Jonathan's thunder,

but the storm blew itself out and ended in a time-honoured spla-a-t!

But is it a time-honoured time?

-Yes!

-SOUND OF BREAKING WIND

5.31 means that thunder pants Jonathan will return!

Well, that's it.

That's it for Round One.

Sadly, six Attackers must now leave the kingdom.

But for the remaining six, the quest continues.

A quest that will ultimately lead to a new ruler.

But will we have a new king or a new queen?

Here are the job applicants.

You too. They now move onto the Stockade,

a different challenge all together.

In Round Two the Attackers go head-to-head.

And as ever on Splatalot,

they will also be going splat-to-splat.

The Attackers through are Charlie, the fastest in Round One...

-Melanie, our turkey girl...

-Anthony, the sassmeister...

-Heather, who's feline fine...

-Janel, our cheeky monkey...

-And Jonathan, who likes to break wind.

-Yeah,

and won our unofficial Battle Cry Of The Day with...

-feel the thunder!

-IMPRESSIVE WIND BREAKING

Feel the thunder! PARP!

Think I need to work on mine a bit.

Yeah. Lying ahead is the Stockade. Two Attackers won't escape.

But four will, and will compete in the grand final

where that much-treasured crown awaits.

So, who's your favourite?

Let's take a closer look at the next round.

Welcome to the Stockade.

See those spinning hexagons?

Imagine trying to stand on one!

Once they've got their balance they must collect these rungs

and build their own ladder.

Then they must grab one of four flags and make their escape

to the top of the Stockade.

That is why the Stockade is such a horrible place to be.

Six Attackers but only four flags. Two have to go.

So this is where things can really turn ugly.

Oh, no, don't let Gildar hear you say that, he hates that word.

I'd forgotten about the Defenders, because in Round Two

we also freshen things up with a new batch of baddies.

We certainly do, and they can't wait to take part in this splatfest!

In the Stockade today will be the one, the only...

Making his first Splatalot appearance it's...

And finally we say hello to...

-Prepare to be amazed...

-At our sheer power!

So, we're about to begin.

Here's how the Attackers line up from left to right -

Melanie in the light blue,

Heather in pink, Jonathan in yellow,

-Anthony in navy...

-Janel in orange and Charlie in green.

HOOTER SOUNDS

And they're off!

Here comes the slime and foam - it's about to get very slippy.

Very slippy indeed.

Charlie makes a big leap for the rung but not big enough.

Ha-ha-ha!

It's nice to see Skabb so happy with his work.

And Tinkor with a devastating splat on the back.

Thorne also trying to target Janel.

He's got his first rung!

-There's no business like splat business.

-Show tunes from Skabb.

-How did that happen?

-Jonathan takes quite a tumble.

He uses the hexagon as a springboard.

You can see how close he gets to the rungs but he comes up with nowt.

Here's Charlie. It's a good leap. That's how to do it, Jonathan.

Ohh!

The ladders are underway but the splats keep coming.

Anthony, splat. Melanie, splat.

Heather, splat.

Thorne unleashes more slime just as Charlie goes for another leap.

Ba-doing! Splat!

Charlie tears down the rung-holder and the rung. Is it safe?

We've heard from the authorities at the castle that they'll be

billing Charlie for the damage.

There's £100 for paint, £900 for labour,

(HIGH-SPEED) service, damages, £600 for this, £300 for that

(NORMAL SPEED) which makes Charlie's chance of winning...

-impossible!

-Let's get back to the action.

It's all to play for in the stockade but Jonathan has a bunged rung.

Don't think he's bunged up any more.

Can you smell that?

Moving on, Melanie overshoots...

Oh!

Janel almost jumped straight into her!

Melanie and Janel almost literally head-to-head!

Thorne keeps splatting but he's not seen Charlie

who now has his last rung in place.

-Uh-oh. Tinkor's seen him.

-And slimes him but it doesn't slow Charlie down.

He's first to grab a flag.

Melanie and Anthony are still leaping to stay in contention.

Charlie is on his way up and out of the stockade! He's first through!

One down and three to go for the five remaining Attackers.

Who will be next?

Anthony makes his way up but Tinkor is waiting with a slime bucket.

Oh and that is a seriously slimy splat!

Hexi-whack-a-bathan.

Tinkor swapped his bucket of slime for a slime stick.

Skabb's now on the goo grenades. The Defenders are working as a team.

And slowing the Attackers down.

However, Anthony now has a flag. Only two left for the others!

The tension is building! Anthony's the second Attacker through.

Boo! Jonathan is finishing his ladder.

But Melanie is ahead of him!

And Melanie is sprinting up the ladder.

Skabb is concentrating on Janel as Jonathan grabs the final flag.

Melanie clambers to the top. So does Jonathan. That's it!

The round is complete!

Melanie and Jonathan are moving on with Charlie and Anthony.

It's goodbye to Janel and Heather.

-One more.

-And Skabb splats Heather after the round is over.

Surely Skabb should be sent off for that!

It doesn't affect the result.

Charlie, Anthony, Melanie and Jonathan

move on to the Grand Finale.

Well, our speed machine Charlie was first to finish yet again.

But that is exactly what he needs to do one more time

if he wants to get his hands on this -

the Crown of Splatalot!

But standing in the way will be all six Defenders -

plus the other three Attackers might have something to say about it all.

It's Splat Time!

Why don't we just take a moment to celebrate some classic Splats?

Feel the thunder!

I think Defender was just for fun.

HE LAUGHS

That's how it's done!

And that's why we call it Splatalot!

So, who are we left with in the final?

Charlie, AKA the Speed Merchant,

Anthony, AKA Mr Sassy,

-Melanie, AKA the Christmas Special...

-What?

-Turkey.

-Oh, yeah.

And Jonathan, AKA the Weatherman. WIND BREAKING

They were among 12 contenders who bravely raced around the Moat challenge.

Six survived to battle it out in the Stockade...

..which claimed two more Attackers, leaving us with today's finalists.

-It really is a massive achievement.

-So who's going to win, out of...?

Tricky to say, really - previous form's not always the best guide

as each round has its own unique challenges.

A major challenge in the final is the inclusion of all six Defenders,

who will not be making life easy for the Attackers.

We've got Gildar, Tinkor, Skabb, Kookaburra, Knightriss and Thorne.

Now, let's check out the course.

We start with the pole drop into the Murky Mudbath

and then it's over the Slippery Slippery Slides.

The Titanic Teeter-Totters are next,

followed by the Barrier Of All Barriers.

The Leaping Lily Pads await, and then it's a climb up Water Wall,

where the crown can be found.

When you put it as simply as that, it sounds...impossible.

So here's the line-up for the final.

Charlie in the green helmet, Anthony in the navy,

Jonathan in the yellow and Melanie in the light blue.

The Defenders are looking really focused -

even Skabb and Kookaburra!

And the final begins! The Attackers slide straight into the mud

and then get hosed down by Gildar and Kookaburra.

Charlie's leading the way on the slide - is he the favourite?

It's looking that way.

He's also the first on the Teeter...

but he's also first off!

Now everyone else is teetering and tottering.

Teety-totty, teety-totty.

Arr! Take that!

Knightriss adding to the splat count there.

That count is going through the roof!

It always does at the Teeter-Totters.

Who's going to make that break?

Oh, Tinkal has gone for yellow slime. What's that made of?

Ask Charlie, he's got it all over him.

And he makes it to the barrier first!

Time for you to let off a little steam.

Don't worry, Charlie - it's not really steam, it's a distraction.

It hasn't really worked - he's on the Lily Pads!

Feel the thunder!

WIND BREAKING

Jonathan is feeling the thunderous might of the Teeter-Totters.

I think we should publicly apologise now to Jonathan

for this bad running gag before we really do steal his thunder.

Charlie on the Leaping Lily Pads is doing just that,

-leaping even further ahead.

-Melanie, Jonathan and Anthony

are still struggling to get to the Barrier.

Charlie's one leap nearer!

But Melanie is one splat further away.

And Charlie leaps for the platform, but he doesn't make it.

He has to get his elbows on to that platform to proceed.

Possibly for the first time today, Charlie is struggling!

-The Defenders have surrounded him!

-Good defending, everyone.

Now can the other Attackers make the most of this opportunity?

-Droopy Dribbler!

-The answer at the moment is no,

as Tony is still getting splatted. Ouch!

Ooh...ouch!

Ooh!

So there's teetering, there's leaping,

bit more teetering,

little bit more leaping,

and some teetering and some vaporising.

-Thank goodness for that.

-Charlie's across!

They're getting the crown!

Gildar's not a happy bunny.

Arrr!

And Charlie is almost there!

A last-minute splat for Kookaburra, but it's too late!

Charlie has come to the crown - he is the new king of Splatalot!

What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?!

While the other attackers take a well-earned splat,

we salute our new king, Charlie.

I think there can be no doubt that Splatalot has a worthy champion.

Mm, yes. Charlie led every single round from start to finish.

The Defenders won't be happy, but they rarely are.

But they always make a major contribution to the splats.

-It's time to find out which splat was splattier than the rest.

-Bleh.

I think this part of the show gets harder each time.

-How do we choose?

-Well, we have to, and here it is.

Remember Ada in round one?

She'll probably remember this!

Again the incline takes its toll

and Ada flies around like the ball in a pinball machine.

She may not have got to the final, but she made the splat of the day!

Back to Charlie and his journey to the crown.

Don't fall in the water!

He aced the Mace and delivered the fastest time across the Moat.

He then started to tear down the Stockade with his bare hands,

and was also first to the top with a flag.

And he led from start to finish in the finale.

Despite the Defenders' best efforts, he became the new king of Splatalot!

Whoo!

Well, what a great show! We crowned a lovely ruler...

Saw some amazing defending...

And as always, witnessed some top-drawer splatting.

One final ceremony remains,

and for that, we require the services of His Royal Splatness, King Charlie.

I fell in the water!

-Splat you next time!

-Bye for now!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd