Episode 2 Splatalot


Episode 2

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Transcript


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Welcome to Splatalot!

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Today we invite a dozen bravehearted young warriors to go head to head

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with the defiant Defenders.

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At stake is the Splatalot kingdom, and this highly coveted crown!

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Will the Defenders keep the castle and kingdom safe -

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or will the Attackers rise to the challenge, and reign victorious?

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Who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter, and who will go SPLAT?!

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Hello, we're Dick and Dom...

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And welcome to the only show on earth with a Medieval Moat,

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a Rope Bridge of Disaster,

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a Wheel of Certain Doom, an Annihilating Arm...

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-Whoa, there!

-What?

-A Wheel of Certain Doom?

-Yes.

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-A Rope Bridge of Disaster?

-Yes!

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Isn't that just all a bit... terrifying?

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No, no, no. The Terrifying Rolling Mace is...terrifying.

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See...? There's another.

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Can't we just give them nice names like...the Reasonable Rope Bridge,

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the Wheel of Roundness, the Roly-Poly Rolling Mace -

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wouldn't that be a bit nicer?

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-Yeah, yeah... No!

-Fair enough. Here's what's coming up today.

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We start with the Moat Challenge - it's a time trial,

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and only the six fastest Attackers will make it through.

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In round two they will have to seize one of four flags

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before escaping the Stockade.

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Four flags means only four finalists, all competing

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to claim the Splatalot crown.

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No-one said it was going to be easy.

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Here's that Moat Challenge, in more detail.

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The first thing facing the Attackers is the Pungent Plank...

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-Then it's on to the Roly-Poly Mace...

-No, it's Terrifying!

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OK. After the Impossible Incline, it's across the Beastly Battleaxes...

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Then over the rope bridge of disaster...

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Then the Debilitating Disc which completes the course.

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So, the Attackers have got their work cut out for them.

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That course is next to impossible -

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even a perfect specimen like me would have trouble getting across.

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Let's move on.

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Making the challenges even harder are those dastardly Defenders.

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She's your worst nightmare, Knightriss.

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He's vain and a pain - it's Gildar.

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And finally the joker in the pack - it's Kookaburra!

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-Welcome to Splatalot!

-Mm-mm. Not welcome.

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The Defenders are in position, the course is looking great -

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bring out the Attackers. This round is against the clock.

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-And kicking us off is Nick.

-Stinger!

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-Nick, a man of few words...

-Actually one word.

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I believe the Stinger has been stung.

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Hello! I'll be your host for this evening, my name is Kookaburra.

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It's all so polite.

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Ohhh...! Then that happens.

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As Gildar said, the Stinger has been stung, stung...

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and stung again.

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-But he's back up.

-Nicholas, I am the mighty Gildar...

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I beg your pardon, Nicholas?

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And into the dirty Norris.

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-Did he say "Doop off"?

-I think it's German.

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Well, it's certainly thrown the Defenders.

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-Oh, and that's not all he's throwing!

-Hey! Uncalled for!

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Can he use the Defenders' weapons against them?

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Well, there's nothing in the rule book to say that he can't,

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so we're letting it go.

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Let's call it showing initiative!

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The Battleaxes are next...

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Get ready for a dooping...

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Kookaburra, chirpy and irritating as always... Oooh!

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There's nothing in the rule book that stops us watching that again...

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and again...and not again.

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Ah, Nicholas! How will you fare today?

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Less dooping - more attacking.

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Nicholas has really got to the Defenders...

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Which isn't always the best plan - they often have the last splat.

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Bull-whacka! What a naughty man.

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And Nick is finding the disc debilitating.

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You've been dooped.

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Nick has finished, his time is 8.21,

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-far from safe but still very good.

-Here's Ada.

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I am a Giant!

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-Ada claims to be a giant.

-Maybe it's in her spare time.

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It's a giant struggle for her on the slope...

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Eurgh... Eurgh...

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-Ada, how handsome do you find me?

-Very beautiful!

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-Ada, what about me?

-You're also very beautiful.

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-This girl's going far.

-I don't want to dishearten you, chaps,

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but I think she was using SARCASM.

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I don't follow you.

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Let's just follow Ada as she takes on the Impossible Incline.

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Demonstrating a perfect slide-splat-splash manoeuvre.

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It doesn't get splattier.

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Not a bad time though, and it's the six fastest who go through.

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Ada's being silly... So is Kook!

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And next it's Charlie.

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Don't fall in the water!

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Well, that was like falling off a plank, Charlie.

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And that might be just a little too laid-back from Kookaburra.

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You've caught me at an awkward time -

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I don't know whether to defend, or to eat my banana...

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Well, Charlie's crossing the mace...

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Now he's charging down the incline...

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Ooh - Engelbert Humpersplat!

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Hey, Kook just used his banana skin as another weapon!

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It's not slapstick, it's SPLAT-stick.

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You should do silent comedy. You're less funny when you talk.

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Shut up. Charlie's at the Debilitating Disc.

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How does it feel to be beaten down by a lady?

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Huh? Huh? Knightriss! That's right!

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But he's not over either...

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There's nothing she can do now, and Charlie's made it over the line!

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-Poor defending all round.

-Come on!

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But don't take anything away from Charlie - 2.43 is a great time.

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Here's our next Attacker, Anthony.

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Whenever you're ready, mate...

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Yippie-kai-yay!

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HE LAUGHS Well, his battle cry was a tad late,

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but it's all about his time.

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Are you giving me some sass?

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Anthony dealing with Gildar... The spiky mace is another matter!

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Nothing I enjoy more than a good stopping of the sass.

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Well, the message is loud and clear - don't get sassy,

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or you'll get sploosh-wangled.

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More from Anthony later. Here's Josephine!

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Asia power!

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Let's see how she does on the mace.

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-Whoa! With the personal attacks.

-We're sassin' it up again.

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I like it, though.

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The Attackers are really dishing it out today...

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But the course always finds a way of answering back.

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And the answer here is stripping Josephine of her left shoe.

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-So long... SOLE long(!)

-So...lame.

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Whatever - Josephine, minus her shoe, courageously finishes on 9.47.

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Back to the Sass-meister, here's Anthony at the disc.

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-KNIGHTRISS:

-Are you ready?

-Ah...

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And another splat for his collection.

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He finishes with a time of 6.12, which should be good enough.

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Here's Liam...

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I like cheese!

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Red Leicester(?) That's as maybe, but he doesn't like the mace -

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the poor lad is frozen.

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-Poor Kookaburra...is falling asleep.

-I know - I'll press this.

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-Stop - you've gone too far.

-It won't stop!

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What have I told you about touching expensive equipment?

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-Give it to me...

-No! Aaargh...

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TAPE KEEPS SPEEDING UP

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What do we do now(?)

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OK...! Here's the leaderboard.

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Charlie has the top time of 2.43,

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while Josephine is slowest with 9.47.

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It's all still up against the clock so speed is everything!

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-So you promise never to touch it again...

-Yes.

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-If you see buttons...

-Don't press them.

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-Even the shiny ones?

-Especially the shiny ones.

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We're halfway through the first half.

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Which is a bit nerve-tingly cos Attackers start to get eliminated.

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Only the six fastest will survive

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and with six more Attackers still to come,

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no-one has secured their place in the next round.

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Even the current leader isn't safe yet.

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So here's a reminder of the leader board so far.

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Charlie has the top time of 2.43,

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but the time to beat in order to qualify

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is 9.47 belonging to Josephine, in sixth place.

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Knightriss, Kookaburra and Gildar are back on the course...

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So it's time to get the second half underway.

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No!

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Hi, Mom!

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Let's see how Tyler deals with Gildar.

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Tyler, how are you today?

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That's good. Is your mother watching?

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Hello to Tyler's mom who is clearly impressed

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by my handsome, Viking-like features.

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I heard he printed 10,000 autographed cards and posted them all to himself!

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It would take a brave warrior to recover from Gildar's nonsense.

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-Oh, again, Tyler, hold on!

-Come on, Tyler!

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Bungled! Gravity wins every time.

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Watch again, doesn't it look like Tyler's floundering like a fish?

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You've found another shiny button, haven't you?

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-Did you press it on purpose?

-No, I pressed it on porpoise!

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Tyler now with the Debilitating Disc to go.

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Careful, my boy,

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Knightriss has her eye on you.

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That can't be pleasant when you're being pelted with water

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-and hanging by a thread.

-Oh, burples!

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Good effort but he's in the broth.

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Sorry, Mum, that must be embarassing for you.

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Says the world's most embarassing man.

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Tyler won't mind because at the moment his time is good enough.

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Here's Attacker number eight, Breanna.

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I like cotton swabs and white glue!

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Now, there's a happy face!

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-Hi.

-Hello, Breanna.

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That's not nice!

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Not supposed to be nice, I am a Defender!

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You look like Goldilocks!

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Telling me I look like Goldilocks! I'm not laughing!

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Meanwhile, back at the Mace...

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Oh, goldigloop! Brea's making waves.

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She certainly is.

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I don't know how Goldilocks Gildar will recover from this! Replay it.

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Do you think his paintballs were too hard, too soft

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or just right?

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Breanna progressing to the Incline.

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-Gildar!

->

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Oh, Kook's up to something.

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And what's that supposed to mean?

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Get the Attacker.

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Brilliant!

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Oh, now Knightriss is having a go!

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Wait a minute, I got one.

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Defend the castle!

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Well, all you had to do was do this...

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Cut it out!

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Back to the action, Breanna on the Battleaxes...

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Whoa, and off them!

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Breanna boo-boo. That deserves a replay,

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and Breanna deserves a medal because that's a potential Splat Of The Day!

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No go.

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Breanna boo-boo makes it over the finishing line

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but she won't make it any further with that time.

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Hard cheese, Brea!

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It's not funny! Anyway, brie is a soft cheese.

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All right, I was only monkeying around.

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Oooaaaahhhh!

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Looks like you've met your match with Janel, then!

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Oh, and he's met his match on the Incline.

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Hhhhauk-auk-auk!

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Prize turkey impression for Melanie but a 'fowl' result on the Mace!

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Cat face!

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-Cat face?

-Oh, now there's a cat amongst the turkeys.

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Have we wandered into Dick And Dom Go Wild?

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Well, it is a jungle out there!

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And the beastly Battleaxes don't care

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what kind of beast you throw at them.

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Monkeys, turkeys or cats, they're all going in the Moat.

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Wey!

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Oh... Oi!

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But Melanie has found her way over and is crossing the Rope Bridge.

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Trouble is, the next predator in the food chain is waiting.

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There goes Janel...

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And Heather makes three Rope Bridge casualties.

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That's how it's done! Ha!

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So, will they go wild about their times?

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Janel has 5.53 and goes ape!

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Melanie gobble-gobbled up the course in 4.41, a great time.

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And Heather is purrr-fectly happy with 7.04

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which is good enough for now.

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Jonathan could change all that.

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Feel the thunder!

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And old Jonny wins Battle Cry Of The Day.

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Could everyone be quiet? I'm trying to feel the thunder.

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Feel the thunder!

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-SOUND OF WIND BREAKING

-Oh!

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I think the thunder was just a fart.

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SOUND OF WIND BREAKING

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Oh, jeez, oh...

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Well, yes, that's certainly cleared the air.

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-But Jonathan can't clear the Mace.

-We all felt Jonathan's thunder,

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but the storm blew itself out and ended in a time-honoured spla-a-t!

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But is it a time-honoured time?

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-Yes!

-SOUND OF BREAKING WIND

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5.31 means that thunder pants Jonathan will return!

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Well, that's it.

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That's it for Round One.

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Sadly, six Attackers must now leave the kingdom.

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But for the remaining six, the quest continues.

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A quest that will ultimately lead to a new ruler.

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But will we have a new king or a new queen?

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Here are the job applicants.

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You too. They now move onto the Stockade,

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a different challenge all together.

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In Round Two the Attackers go head-to-head.

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And as ever on Splatalot,

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they will also be going splat-to-splat.

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The Attackers through are Charlie, the fastest in Round One...

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-Melanie, our turkey girl...

-Anthony, the sassmeister...

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-Heather, who's feline fine...

-Janel, our cheeky monkey...

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-And Jonathan, who likes to break wind.

-Yeah,

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and won our unofficial Battle Cry Of The Day with...

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-feel the thunder!

-IMPRESSIVE WIND BREAKING

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Feel the thunder! PARP!

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Think I need to work on mine a bit.

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Yeah. Lying ahead is the Stockade. Two Attackers won't escape.

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But four will, and will compete in the grand final

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where that much-treasured crown awaits.

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So, who's your favourite?

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Let's take a closer look at the next round.

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Welcome to the Stockade.

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See those spinning hexagons?

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Imagine trying to stand on one!

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Once they've got their balance they must collect these rungs

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and build their own ladder.

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Then they must grab one of four flags and make their escape

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to the top of the Stockade.

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That is why the Stockade is such a horrible place to be.

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Six Attackers but only four flags. Two have to go.

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So this is where things can really turn ugly.

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Oh, no, don't let Gildar hear you say that, he hates that word.

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I'd forgotten about the Defenders, because in Round Two

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we also freshen things up with a new batch of baddies.

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We certainly do, and they can't wait to take part in this splatfest!

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In the Stockade today will be the one, the only...

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Making his first Splatalot appearance it's...

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And finally we say hello to...

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-Prepare to be amazed...

-At our sheer power!

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So, we're about to begin.

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Here's how the Attackers line up from left to right -

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Melanie in the light blue,

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Heather in pink, Jonathan in yellow,

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-Anthony in navy...

-Janel in orange and Charlie in green.

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HOOTER SOUNDS

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And they're off!

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Here comes the slime and foam - it's about to get very slippy.

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Very slippy indeed.

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Charlie makes a big leap for the rung but not big enough.

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Ha-ha-ha!

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It's nice to see Skabb so happy with his work.

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And Tinkor with a devastating splat on the back.

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Thorne also trying to target Janel.

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He's got his first rung!

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-There's no business like splat business.

-Show tunes from Skabb.

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-How did that happen?

-Jonathan takes quite a tumble.

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He uses the hexagon as a springboard.

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You can see how close he gets to the rungs but he comes up with nowt.

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Here's Charlie. It's a good leap. That's how to do it, Jonathan.

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Ohh!

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The ladders are underway but the splats keep coming.

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Anthony, splat. Melanie, splat.

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Heather, splat.

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Thorne unleashes more slime just as Charlie goes for another leap.

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Ba-doing! Splat!

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Charlie tears down the rung-holder and the rung. Is it safe?

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We've heard from the authorities at the castle that they'll be

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billing Charlie for the damage.

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There's £100 for paint, £900 for labour,

0:15:500:15:53

(HIGH-SPEED) service, damages, £600 for this, £300 for that

0:15:530:15:57

(NORMAL SPEED) which makes Charlie's chance of winning...

0:15:570:16:00

-impossible!

-Let's get back to the action.

0:16:000:16:03

It's all to play for in the stockade but Jonathan has a bunged rung.

0:16:030:16:10

Don't think he's bunged up any more.

0:16:140:16:17

Can you smell that?

0:16:170:16:19

Moving on, Melanie overshoots...

0:16:200:16:23

Oh!

0:16:230:16:25

Janel almost jumped straight into her!

0:16:250:16:27

Melanie and Janel almost literally head-to-head!

0:16:270:16:31

Thorne keeps splatting but he's not seen Charlie

0:16:310:16:34

who now has his last rung in place.

0:16:340:16:36

-Uh-oh. Tinkor's seen him.

-And slimes him but it doesn't slow Charlie down.

0:16:360:16:40

He's first to grab a flag.

0:16:400:16:42

Melanie and Anthony are still leaping to stay in contention.

0:16:420:16:46

Charlie is on his way up and out of the stockade! He's first through!

0:16:460:16:51

One down and three to go for the five remaining Attackers.

0:16:510:16:53

Who will be next?

0:16:530:16:55

Anthony makes his way up but Tinkor is waiting with a slime bucket.

0:16:550:16:58

Oh and that is a seriously slimy splat!

0:16:580:17:01

Hexi-whack-a-bathan.

0:17:010:17:03

Tinkor swapped his bucket of slime for a slime stick.

0:17:030:17:07

Skabb's now on the goo grenades. The Defenders are working as a team.

0:17:070:17:10

And slowing the Attackers down.

0:17:100:17:12

However, Anthony now has a flag. Only two left for the others!

0:17:120:17:16

The tension is building! Anthony's the second Attacker through.

0:17:160:17:21

Boo! Jonathan is finishing his ladder.

0:17:210:17:24

But Melanie is ahead of him!

0:17:240:17:26

And Melanie is sprinting up the ladder.

0:17:270:17:31

Skabb is concentrating on Janel as Jonathan grabs the final flag.

0:17:310:17:35

Melanie clambers to the top. So does Jonathan. That's it!

0:17:350:17:38

The round is complete!

0:17:380:17:39

Melanie and Jonathan are moving on with Charlie and Anthony.

0:17:390:17:42

It's goodbye to Janel and Heather.

0:17:420:17:45

-One more.

-And Skabb splats Heather after the round is over.

0:17:450:17:50

Surely Skabb should be sent off for that!

0:17:500:17:52

It doesn't affect the result.

0:17:520:17:55

Charlie, Anthony, Melanie and Jonathan

0:17:550:17:57

move on to the Grand Finale.

0:17:570:17:59

Well, our speed machine Charlie was first to finish yet again.

0:17:590:18:02

But that is exactly what he needs to do one more time

0:18:020:18:05

if he wants to get his hands on this -

0:18:050:18:07

the Crown of Splatalot!

0:18:070:18:09

But standing in the way will be all six Defenders -

0:18:090:18:12

plus the other three Attackers might have something to say about it all.

0:18:120:18:16

It's Splat Time!

0:18:160:18:17

Why don't we just take a moment to celebrate some classic Splats?

0:18:170:18:22

Feel the thunder!

0:18:220:18:24

I think Defender was just for fun.

0:18:240:18:27

HE LAUGHS

0:18:300:18:32

That's how it's done!

0:18:450:18:47

And that's why we call it Splatalot!

0:18:470:18:49

So, who are we left with in the final?

0:18:490:18:51

Charlie, AKA the Speed Merchant,

0:18:510:18:53

Anthony, AKA Mr Sassy,

0:18:530:18:55

-Melanie, AKA the Christmas Special...

-What?

-Turkey.

-Oh, yeah.

0:18:550:18:58

And Jonathan, AKA the Weatherman. WIND BREAKING

0:18:580:19:01

They were among 12 contenders who bravely raced around the Moat challenge.

0:19:010:19:05

Six survived to battle it out in the Stockade...

0:19:050:19:07

..which claimed two more Attackers, leaving us with today's finalists.

0:19:070:19:11

-It really is a massive achievement.

-So who's going to win, out of...?

0:19:110:19:14

Tricky to say, really - previous form's not always the best guide

0:19:190:19:22

as each round has its own unique challenges.

0:19:220:19:24

A major challenge in the final is the inclusion of all six Defenders,

0:19:240:19:28

who will not be making life easy for the Attackers.

0:19:280:19:30

We've got Gildar, Tinkor, Skabb, Kookaburra, Knightriss and Thorne.

0:19:300:19:35

Now, let's check out the course.

0:19:350:19:38

We start with the pole drop into the Murky Mudbath

0:19:380:19:41

and then it's over the Slippery Slippery Slides.

0:19:410:19:44

The Titanic Teeter-Totters are next,

0:19:440:19:46

followed by the Barrier Of All Barriers.

0:19:460:19:48

The Leaping Lily Pads await, and then it's a climb up Water Wall,

0:19:480:19:51

where the crown can be found.

0:19:510:19:53

When you put it as simply as that, it sounds...impossible.

0:19:530:19:56

So here's the line-up for the final.

0:19:560:19:58

Charlie in the green helmet, Anthony in the navy,

0:19:580:20:00

Jonathan in the yellow and Melanie in the light blue.

0:20:000:20:04

The Defenders are looking really focused -

0:20:040:20:07

even Skabb and Kookaburra!

0:20:070:20:09

And the final begins! The Attackers slide straight into the mud

0:20:090:20:14

and then get hosed down by Gildar and Kookaburra.

0:20:140:20:17

Charlie's leading the way on the slide - is he the favourite?

0:20:170:20:19

It's looking that way.

0:20:190:20:21

He's also the first on the Teeter...

0:20:210:20:23

but he's also first off!

0:20:230:20:25

Now everyone else is teetering and tottering.

0:20:250:20:28

Teety-totty, teety-totty.

0:20:280:20:30

Arr! Take that!

0:20:300:20:33

Knightriss adding to the splat count there.

0:20:330:20:35

That count is going through the roof!

0:20:350:20:38

It always does at the Teeter-Totters.

0:20:380:20:40

Who's going to make that break?

0:20:410:20:44

Oh, Tinkal has gone for yellow slime. What's that made of?

0:20:440:20:47

Ask Charlie, he's got it all over him.

0:20:470:20:49

And he makes it to the barrier first!

0:20:490:20:51

Time for you to let off a little steam.

0:20:510:20:54

Don't worry, Charlie - it's not really steam, it's a distraction.

0:20:540:20:57

It hasn't really worked - he's on the Lily Pads!

0:20:570:20:59

Feel the thunder!

0:21:010:21:04

WIND BREAKING

0:21:040:21:06

Jonathan is feeling the thunderous might of the Teeter-Totters.

0:21:060:21:09

I think we should publicly apologise now to Jonathan

0:21:090:21:13

for this bad running gag before we really do steal his thunder.

0:21:130:21:16

Charlie on the Leaping Lily Pads is doing just that,

0:21:160:21:19

-leaping even further ahead.

-Melanie, Jonathan and Anthony

0:21:190:21:22

are still struggling to get to the Barrier.

0:21:220:21:25

Charlie's one leap nearer!

0:21:260:21:27

But Melanie is one splat further away.

0:21:280:21:31

And Charlie leaps for the platform, but he doesn't make it.

0:21:310:21:34

He has to get his elbows on to that platform to proceed.

0:21:340:21:37

Possibly for the first time today, Charlie is struggling!

0:21:370:21:40

-The Defenders have surrounded him!

-Good defending, everyone.

0:21:400:21:44

Now can the other Attackers make the most of this opportunity?

0:21:440:21:46

-Droopy Dribbler!

-The answer at the moment is no,

0:21:460:21:49

as Tony is still getting splatted. Ouch!

0:21:490:21:52

Ooh...ouch!

0:21:520:21:54

Ooh!

0:21:540:21:55

So there's teetering, there's leaping,

0:21:550:21:58

bit more teetering,

0:21:580:22:00

little bit more leaping,

0:22:000:22:02

and some teetering and some vaporising.

0:22:040:22:07

-Thank goodness for that.

-Charlie's across!

0:22:070:22:09

They're getting the crown!

0:22:090:22:11

Gildar's not a happy bunny.

0:22:110:22:13

Arrr!

0:22:130:22:15

And Charlie is almost there!

0:22:150:22:17

A last-minute splat for Kookaburra, but it's too late!

0:22:170:22:20

Charlie has come to the crown - he is the new king of Splatalot!

0:22:200:22:23

What are we doing? Just giving away crowns?!

0:22:230:22:26

While the other attackers take a well-earned splat,

0:22:260:22:29

we salute our new king, Charlie.

0:22:290:22:32

I think there can be no doubt that Splatalot has a worthy champion.

0:22:320:22:35

Mm, yes. Charlie led every single round from start to finish.

0:22:350:22:39

The Defenders won't be happy, but they rarely are.

0:22:390:22:41

But they always make a major contribution to the splats.

0:22:410:22:44

-It's time to find out which splat was splattier than the rest.

-Bleh.

0:22:440:22:48

I think this part of the show gets harder each time.

0:22:510:22:54

-How do we choose?

-Well, we have to, and here it is.

0:22:540:22:57

Remember Ada in round one?

0:22:570:22:59

She'll probably remember this!

0:22:590:23:01

Again the incline takes its toll

0:23:020:23:04

and Ada flies around like the ball in a pinball machine.

0:23:040:23:07

She may not have got to the final, but she made the splat of the day!

0:23:070:23:10

Back to Charlie and his journey to the crown.

0:23:100:23:13

Don't fall in the water!

0:23:130:23:15

He aced the Mace and delivered the fastest time across the Moat.

0:23:150:23:18

He then started to tear down the Stockade with his bare hands,

0:23:180:23:22

and was also first to the top with a flag.

0:23:220:23:24

And he led from start to finish in the finale.

0:23:240:23:26

Despite the Defenders' best efforts, he became the new king of Splatalot!

0:23:260:23:30

Whoo!

0:23:300:23:31

Well, what a great show! We crowned a lovely ruler...

0:23:310:23:33

Saw some amazing defending...

0:23:330:23:35

And as always, witnessed some top-drawer splatting.

0:23:350:23:38

One final ceremony remains,

0:23:380:23:40

and for that, we require the services of His Royal Splatness, King Charlie.

0:23:400:23:43

I fell in the water!

0:23:450:23:48

-Splat you next time!

-Bye for now!

0:23:490:23:52

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0:23:570:24:01

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