Episode 3 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot! Excited?

I am excited and intrigued to see how these 12 fearless contestants

will fare against the devastatingly diabolical defenders

as they strive to capture the highly-coveted crown of Splatalot!

Will the defenders keep the young attackers at bay?

Will the attackers survive the challenges that lie ahead?

And will we be allowed

to do the rest of the show in our normal voices?

Yes, my friend, all of these...

-Hello, he's Dick.

-He's Dom.

-And this is...

-..Splatalot.

-But what is Splat...

-..alot?

It's a kingdom with a pretty unique way of choosing its next monarch.

On a pretty regular basis

it challenges 12 young warriors to lay siege to its castle

-and capture the Splatalot crown.

-But in order to do so,

they will have to outwit the Splatalot defenders.

Their sole mission is to make the attackers' lives as hard as possible.

In order to find a worthy champion,

our warriors will have to face three unique and unforgiving challenges.

Precisely half will fail at the very first hurdle,

which is a time trial around the Splatalot moat.

The fastest six will move on to do battle in the bone-filled stockade.

It won't be easy and two of the attackers won't make it.

However, the remaining four will compete in the grand finale

in an attempt to seize the kingdom's crown.

Here's the first course -

the calm before the storm, the fizzy drink before the burp.

-We start with those baffling barrels.

-I'm easily baffled.

Don't sound so proud about it!

Then we head over to the slippery slope.

Although most people tend to head down it.

Then it's the stomach-churning rolling mace!

It could churn a lot of cheese!

-On to the beastly battle-axes.

-They're rubbish.

-What?

-For making cheese.

The rope bridge of disaster is next. You could use it as a cheese slice!

-Will you stop going on about cheese?!

-Me?!

The perilous pole vault completes this perilous course.

No, it doesn't. We need more peril.

-How much?

-This much!

Scarier than my collection of jam lids,

it's Splatalot's very own gaggle of defenders.

Here's Knightriss.

She's got attitude and she's not afraid to use it!

Tinkor's got body odour and he's not afraid to use it!

Shaiden's got a ponytail and she's not afraid to use it!

So with the defenders in place, let's get started.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh.

Hello?

Yeah, don't worry, I got this.

I'mma get the crown!

Yeah, OK, but how did you get my number?

Anyway, she's off!

Ooh! It didn't take too long for the barrels to come into play.

This doesn't look promising.

If you like splats and splooshes,

it's a very promising start indeed.

-Ravina!

-We're waiting for you!

At the mace, she looks very nervous. She's going back into the moat!

Ravina has the dubious honour

of being the first attacker to be splatted by the mace.

She hasn't given up yet, but neither have the defenders.

Oh! Look at that! Our first boink-boink thwack splash of the day!

How will she deal with the battle-axes?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-It'll take more than that to get rid of me!

OK, Ravina, but stop calling me during the show.

Besides, I think you should concentrate on the battle-axes!

Oh!

I think we've been cut off.

That was quite a fall,

but hopefully her imaginary phone was now damaged beyond repair.

Ravina's finally found something she's good at!

Knightriss won't be happy, but when's she ever happy?

Ravina was making some real progress,

but along comes the perilous pole vault and she's down.

The defenders think they've done a good job!

Ravina gets a time of 7 minutes and 29 seconds.

It's early days, but she could be in the danger zone.

Here's the next attacker. It's Jacob.

I'm in a band

and I'm going to rock this castle!

He's a very confident young man, isn't he?

Tinkor is trying his best

to dent that confidence and his hip replacement,

but Jacob's racing around the course.

All good things must come to an end, my dear!

Knightriss is... turning him into a frog!

No, I just pressed the frog-generator button on the graphics machine.

-A button for a frog?

-Look, look, look!

Oh, chicken tikka masala, he's in the water!

-And he's finished.

-That's a fantastic time.

Silly, silly dance.

If I had two hands, I'd clap.

I love bikes!

Speaking of Autumn, it's very wet in autumn.

Hey, Autumn! Fall!

Yes, you see, in Canada, where they shoot this, they call autumn "fall".

Funny and educational.

And accurate - there she is, Autumn falling.

Looks like she's having a moment on the mace.

Defenders loving this indecision.

Come on, autumn! It'll be winter soon!

But... Yes, there she goes! She's across!

Ohh... Da, da, da, da, da...

There she is heading down the incline, but she can't stop herself.

Wait! I've got just the thing for this next to the frog button!

-A goose?!

-No, it's a swan. A swan dive!

Purple is the best!

OK, Liam. Purple's the best what?

Guess we'll never know.

Oh, look. I've found another button.

He's on an imaginary skateboard.

But that slope he splatted ISN'T imaginary.

Oh, aye, oh, aye, splashy!

I'm your worst nightmare.

-No. Clowns for me every time, dear.

-Ooh! Brilliant work, Tink.

The Defenders on the course are making life tricky for Liam.

Slidey down, slidey up, slidey down. Wet pants.

He's certainly not having a purple patch now.

Here's Preslee.

I like to dance!

Does she like to cross terrifying rolling maces?

Oh! Ker-flakka. Sploosh!

-No.

-Shake.

Rattle. Roll. Preslee. Get it?

-Elvis didn't even sing that one.

-Oh.

-How about a smile for Knightriss?

Well, the best Preslee can do is gri-mace. Ha!

Oh, she's slipping!

-But she's made it!

-And Knightriss has got issues with that.

But Preslee's really smiling for her now!

Uh-oh, this looks like a situation!

Yes, everybody. I think we do have a situation on our hands.

Here's the situation as I see it - Sarthak's a goner.

A situation comedy - wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, bloosh.

Oh, Attacker?

What's Shaiden up to?

Oh, bum-ba-bum-ba!

That knocks Sarthak off his feet, down the incline and into the water.

His pride and bum-bum-bum's taken a beating.

That's Sarthak's time of 6:26.

Knightriss, like the rest of us, is unsure of

Sarthak's "hands to the left, hands to the right" dance.

We're halfway through Round One.

I'd say Jacob is safe but Ravina hasn't got a chance.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh. Sorry.

Hello? Oh, hi, Ravina. Yes.

It's for you.

Hello? SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Charming.

Here's a sneaky peak of the next six attackers.

More bumps, thwacks and splats to come as they battle it out

-for the ultimate prize - the Splatalot crown.

-Ouch.

So, how are you finding today's show?

-Oh, it's over there, isn't it?

-No. Ha-ha!

I think you misunderstand me. I meant, are you enjoying the show?

Oh! Of course I am, yes!

And so is my new Defender - the Red Kneecap!

Huh! Hey!

As ever, the Defenders are doing a great job,

like a well-oiled machine - very oily.

Knightriss has been in a foul mood all day.

She's probably angry that these six finished the course.

The time to beat is Ravina's 7:20

and can anyone better Jacob's impressive 1:41?

We'll know shortly.

Here's our next Attacker, Maddie.

Can I have your number?

No, you can't. It was bad enough with Ravina earlier. Oink!

With tumbling skills like that, don't call us, we'll call you!

-But we won't.

-That's what it means.

Right. Fast-forward into the bridge now.

-Knightriss has Maddie in her sights.

-It's all about weight distribution.

What? What? What? What? Look! Look! Look! Mango chutney!

-Did you see that?

-What?

-The giant arrow!

-Where?

-There! No wonder she fell in!

-Stop messing about with the graphics!

Whoo! Yeah!

Despite all that, Maddie finishes in a reasonable time

of six minutes... Arghh, arrgh! 6:44.

Here's Attacker number eight, Martin.

Crazy socks!

Looks like we've got a live one here.

Tiny Tinkor with an ankle-biter.

-Martin just shrugs it off!

-Will the battle-axes slow him down?

Hippety, boing, boing.

Swift moving, Attacker! Take this!

-Even Knightriss's old English has no effect!

-No-one gets past me, boy!

He's over the bridge. No, he's not. Into the chilli sauce.

Let's get to known Knightriss. What music do you like?

-Take that!

-Good choice! Jason Orange?

Martin has made it in a lightning 1:09 - the fastest so far.

Let's meet Ethan.

I am a pro Asian ninja monkey.

That's quite a title to live up to, but he's doing well so far.

Pounced like a silly cat over the battle-axes.

Only a commentator's curse will stop him now.

Brilliant work, Ethan!

-Why did I say that?

-Told you! Cue evil laugh.

LAUGHS EVILLY

I've really done it. He's fallen all over.

Knightriss is mainly to blame, squirting all over the place.

The splishy-wishy-washy... But...

he makes it in a very respectable time of 3:30.

There you are. Another very silly victory dance.

French the llama!

Absolutely no idea what he's talking about.

Something tells me this guy'll be a barrel of laughs.

-Very good. Barrel of laughs. Very good! Very good!

-Yes.

He's very, very slow up the slippery slope.

Makes him an easy target for the Defenders.

John takes his first tentative steps on the rolling mace and...

That's officially the biggest splat of the tournament so far.

Welly-flop.

Oh, big splat. Heh-heh-heh.

Really has got a way with words, hasn't he? Big splat.

John's back up, but as ever, the incline lives up to its name.

ROARING What marvellous sounds!

I love horses!

I love her unbridled energy. It's a horse joke, see?

It's no joke for Sharissa as she falls at the first fence.

-It's a barrel.

-It's a metaphor.

-Now it's a horse, look.

Oh, yes! I love our banter. Sharissa has just made it to the mace.

But look at Shaiden there, stuffing the paintball canon.

Sharissa's on the receiving end but she's not letting them get to her.

Now she's got the wrong idea of the mace.

Look at that. She's riding it like a watery steed.

She's past the finishing post at 7:24.

You can pull all the faces you like, Sharissa but that's not good enough.

I'm gonna own this castle!

She thinks she's on one of those property programmes.

The asking price is a barrel to the body.

Looks like she can afford it.

-Now you see why the Attackers wear padding.

-To protect the barrels.

They're not cheap, you know.

Shaiden and Tinkor have made great use of their splatzooka.

Once more, they've up-ended an Attacker on the incline.

-Great teamwork from the Defenders.

-Shaiden kisses her Tinkor.

-So...that's it.

-All right. See ya!

-No, that's it for Round One.

-Oh.

We started with 12 Attackers but only the six fattest will go through

-to the next round.

-I think you mean "fastest".

-Hm?

-Fastest.

-Yes.

Sorry. The six fastest are...

The Rolling Stones.

Have they got what it takes in the stockade? What DOES it take?

Hang on, I've got a list.

You need to like the taste of foam, slime and goo.

-That it?

-That's that.

-It's a lot.

That's Splatalot! Ha-ha!

In Round Two, we sadly say goodbye.

OK. See you.

To two more Attackers!

Oh!

-Where did you go?

-Just there, look.

-Bring me back a pressie?

-Naturally.

Oh! What is it?

Here's a reminder of the competitors.

Lynyrd Skynyrd.

So...who do you think will make it through?

-Well, I quite like Colin.

-There isn't a Colin!

You just read out all their names. Colin wasn't one of them!

Pedant.

In a Colin-free round, here's what the attackers must do.

They start with a spin on the wheel of certain doom.

In a state of dizziness, they make their way to the ladder rungs.

The rungs slot into place to form ladders - the only way out.

All the rungs are different sizes, so it's harder than it looks.

Once you've built your ladder, you need a flag.

-But there aren't enough flags to go round.

-Two Attackers won't make it

but even the survivors will suffer -

we have a new line-up of Defenders.

The name's Kookaburra.

A kookaburra is an Australian bird known for its mad, hysterical cackle.

This is Gildar. Someone who spends too much money on hair products.

Finally, Crocness. Half crockery and totally unnecessary.

It'll be our pleasure to see you fall.

And fail! Ha-ha!

The Attacks are strapped to the wheel until the klaxon.

Gildar is already foaming at the cannon. He can't wait.

It's like you're the bread and that's the butter.

It's just a warm sensation.

Sounds like Kookaburra's as bad as you with those metaphor thingies.

KLAXON

They're off and Ethan still has his wits about him,

making first break at the ladder rung.

Jacob and Martin are pretty close behind.

-Ethan's the first to take a hit.

-This is a really bad start

for everyone involved.

-Not me!

-The bickering has begun already

but Kookaburra IS splatting everyone.

I'm amazing!

The Attackers are in a right spin on the wheel. Preslee is suffering!

Martin, however, has built half his ladder already.

The weapons don't seem to be working.

I thought...animated bird-calls?

-Arhh! Arhh!

-Arhh!

There's that hysterical cackle I mentioned.

Ooh, well, it's different. And it's affected Preslee

who splats straight into the spinning hexagon.

-Ker-nuffle-pappa-splat!

-Here's the view from the canon.

Ethan and Martin are way out in front. Liam isn't.

-Everyone needs a rinse.

-His name's Kookaburra he's really kooky.

-How long have you waited to say that?

-11 minutes, 27 seconds.

Martin has now finished his ladder but that attracts more attention

from the Defenders.

That's not the attention anyone wants.

If we slow this and get the right angle

you can see Martin has taken a gobful of slime.

The wheel of certain doom is slowing their Attackers down.

There's been a development - Ethan has crept ahead with the first flag!

Crocness is there with her slime stick but Ethan's too strong

and is the first to complete Round Two.

This makes it harder for the rest.

The water cannon is creating one giant slippery hazard.

It's a domino effect as Martin creates an avalanche.

-An avalanche of dominoes!

-What?

-OK, YOU describe it.

The guy at the top hits the other guy and...OK. Avalanche of dominoes.

Martin has his flag and completes the course.

Only two flags remain for four Attackers.

Jacob seems to have one of them.

-Gildar has the splatbow and someone is going to get splatted!

-Preslee.

-Let's slow that down.

-OK. Pre-e-e-s-l-e-e.

No, if we slow the pictures, it's a direct splat from Gildar.

Jacob has the third flag, leaving Preslee, Liam and Sarthak

to fight over the fourth.

Gildar aiming his splatbow at poor Sarthak. The poor guy's in a daze.

Whoa! Watch out for the big, red turny thing. Ha-ha!

Preslee now completing... Oh! Not completing the ladder.

Whack-a-splatter.

Blob blobs. You know what it's like. Be nice to people on the way up -

it's a long way down.

Sarthak has recovered from his daze and he has the last flag.

Ooh! Trouble is, after that tumble, he'll be back in another daze.

But no, he's at the top, brandishing his flag of victory.

Brandishing his flag of vic... I like that!

Here are the other flagging brandishers.

-That didn't sound so victorious.

-No.

Preslee and Liam go home.

-Well, how do you follow that?

-With Round Three, I thought.

Oh, yeah. Fair enough.

If you like watching high-impact splatfests, this is the show for you.

If not, maybe you should try knitting.

Or maybe brass-polishing.

Origami?

Or slapping yourself around the chops with a large, wet kipper.

Sadly, there's no time as we have to say farewell.

-All right. See you.

-No, to Preslee and Liam!

-Ah.

-Will you stop doing that?!

-Sorry.

Which leaves us with our final four Attackers.

Their mission is simple - be the first to complete the course

-and capture the crown.

-Trouble is. the course is pretty tricky.

Plus, all six defenders come out to play for this one.

Do you think they know they're on camera?

Here is the course in all its glory.

The Attackers start with a pole-drop into the funky foam.

Then it's teeter-totter time a and leap onto the lily pads.

The water wall is then all that stands between the Attackers

and the coveted Splatalot crown.

So, Dom, who do you think will win?

Well, in Round One, Jacob was fast but Martin was faster,

completing the course in an amazing 1:09.

Mm, yes, but speed isn't everything, as Ethan proved by winning Round Two.

The most interesting stat of all is that Sarthak was the last to qualify

in Round One AND Round Two. He's a survivor. Could HE win this?

Let's find out.

And off they go, down the poles into the foam.

Crocness with a bucket of slime for starters.

The teeters lead us, always, to do some tottering.

It's crazy - it's making my cathode ray tube go nuts!

But it's good for increasing the splat count.

-How IS the splat count?

-It's fine, thank you.

Too bad!

-She's talking about your sense of humour.

-No, about your hair!

Here's what I think of your hair - kersplatter whacker nicky-nacky-noo!

That makes no sense. Knightriss and Tinkor are confused!

Nicky-nacky-noo?!

They'd better snap out of it - Jacob has made it over the teeters!

Knightriss has taken your advice and down goes Jacob!

Harrrh!

She doesn't need the slime stick!

-That scary voice alone will do the trick.

-That rhymes!

Here's a nice touch. The first Attacker crosses the barrier,

-the water wall is turned on.

-Makes sense.

It's probably expensive running a fantasy, splat-driven tournament

-and we could all do with being greener...

-Yes, yes.

It's not the time to have this discussion.

Sarthak and Martin are struggling!

-It's never a good time when

-I

-have something to say!

-Get over yourself!

Let's get it together, people. Let's defend!

-Sorry, Gildar!

-So silly, sorry!

Martin takes another huge spill.

Gildar has his sights set on Jacob.

He fires, ooh, but Jacob avoids the paintballs.

In slow motion, we can see how close that was. Precision frog-leaping.

Sarthak and Ethan still struggling on the teeters.

This looks more promising from Martin.

No, he's down again.

Back to Ethan. He's over this time.

-This look ominous from the Defenders.

-What?

The rarely-seen reverse-Y splat manoeuvre.

-Why is it rarely seen?

-Gildar and Kookaburra rarely practise it.

I doubt we'll ever see it again.

Back to the teeters and Sarthak seems to be running on empty.

Martin does, too. Whoa-hey! Splatty!

Gee-ow-ka-punch.

The Defenders are just concentrating on the lily pads and, oh,

Jacob is suffering out there.

It's not getting any easier. Ethan's right on his tail.

Not for long. Kookaburra will sort him out.

Ooh! What kind of manoeuvre was that?!

Fortunately, Tinkor has no vital organs in his head.

Jacob now at the water wall but it's very close. Ethan's at the base.

The tension is electric. You can almost taste the atmosphere

with a knife, fork and spoon.

Will you just calm down? Hang on. No. Don't calm down!

You're right. It looks like Jacob'll get there first!

And yes, he holds the crown aloft. It's all over!

Stop everything! Nothing more to see! It's over!

End of! Fini! That's all, folks!

-OK. Bye, everyone.

-No, not you!

I don't care any more. I don't care.

I don't care. It doesn't upset me.

I don't believe you, Gildar!

Boy, was that an amazing finale?

Weren't you watching? It was one of the best we've ever had.

-I know. It's time for you favourite bit of the show.

-Ah. OK. Bye!

-The other bit.

-Oh, yes! Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Splat of the Day!

It all started fairly innocently in the stockade.

Then Martin loses his grip

-and there's an avalanche of domino effects.

-Not again.

He then takes Jacob out but it's a buy-one-get-one-free, BOGOF,

-avalanche of domino effects.

-Are you still talking?

So, we just have the formality of the crowning ceremony to go

but first, let's remind ourselves how Jacob made it to the top.

In Round One, he was the fastest - a sign of things to come.

Life wasn't so easy in the stockade but he still got a flag

and that's what counts. A chuckle cloth.

It was back to business in Round Three, where he led all the way

-and claimed that all-important crown.

-Whoo-ha.

OK, we'll leave you with the flag ceremony.

Until next time, bye for now.

Oi! You can leave now! >

Well, I don't know, do I? It's confusing.

I'm the king of the castle!

-And we're Dick and Dom.

-So, until next time...

BOTH: Ke-e-e-e-ep splatting!

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