Episode 4 Splatalot

-It's splat time!

-Splatalot opens its drawbridge once again,

inviting 12 brave-hearted battlers to battle brave-heartedly

with those dastardly Defenders.

The aim - to claim the crown of Splatalot.

The Defenders will stop at nothing to protect their kingdom.

And the Attackers know no fear.

-So who will emerge victorious?

-The outcome is uncertain

-but we can state for a fact that someone will go... BOTH:

-Splat!

Hi. We're...Dick and Dom.

Thank you. And this is Splatalot,

a clever combination of the words "Camelot" and "splat".

Ah, so we could have called it Splatcamel.

Look, we've discussed this. I do the thinking stuff.

-You just look at the camera and smile.

-Oh.

So, here we are, atop the moat,

-looking out onto the majestic Splatcamel course.

-Splatalot.

Splatalot course. It's the castle entrance, guarded by the Defenders,

so it's tough enough.

But it's also a Time Trial.

Only the six fastest Attackers will make it to the second round.

There they will face the foam-filled Stockade,

where two more Attackers will perish, leaving a total of four.

They get the honour of navigating the world's messiest obstacle course

while competing for the coveted Splatalot crown.

Here's today's qualifier.

Our courageous Attackers will begin with the battling barrels.

But it doesn't get any easier.

The Slippery Slope leads to the Rolling Mace,

-where our soldiers are guaranteed to get wet.

-Not necessarily.

Well, it hardly matters, because the Beastly Battleaxes are next.

-You're beastly.

-Followed by the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

-You're disastrous.

-And the Perilous Pole Vault.

-You're...Polish.

-What?

Anyway, the long, tall and short of it is that they're doomed.

You can be so negative at times.

And they're even more doomed now, because here come today's Defenders.

She likes flower arranging and skipping in sunlit meadows.

I am Knightriss!

Next, the fragrantly named Crocness.

Half-human, half-croc, I'm all danger.

She's lovely when you get to know her, and so is Shaiden,

whose favourite colour is pink.

-You keep coming.

-And we'll keep knocking you down.

Ahh. They actually sound really nice.

Course they're not. I was joking.

They only want to make the Attackers' lives as tough as possible.

Feel so foolish.

I love grapes!

Our first Attacker is Ivanka. She plays the trombone,

so Dick has decided it would be helpful

if he provided a musical accompaniment.

Yes, here we go, are you ready?

LOW BRASS NOTE

Barrels and brass instruments, my favourite combination.

You can stop now, otherwise you'll put her off.

BRASS NOTES No, apparently I can't stop.

This looks more promising.

BRASS PARPS

Do you realise how annoying that is?

-Ooh, yes.

-Time for Ivanka to prove himself on the battleaxes.

Yes, but they're one of the toughest obstacles out there.

No, look. Looks like she was born to do this.

Born to step awkwardly across two oversized axes and fall into a moat?

-Cue trombone.

-LOW NOTE

She may be down, but she's not out yet.

I'm fine!

-But will she be after Shaiden's finished with her?

-I can do this.

Yes, I'm sure you can.

-No, you can't.

-Where's me trombone?

FEEBLE NOTE

Never mind. There's still time for a big finale...

Garibaldi. That is a splat, slam or a slap.

Whatever it is, she's finished.

With a time of 8 minutes 34, I think she might be.

Time to meet Sarah.

I love mountain goats!

Good. This is more like it.

Yep... Oh, no, she loses her footing.

It's probably the round, slippery barrels and all that water.

Nothing gets past you, Einstein.

How's your aim, Knightriss?

And very little gets past that giant pea cannon.

That's right, Sarah. Scream, girl, scream. You'd better be scared!

Officially it's a Splatzooka. The usual welcome from Knightriss,

and the intimidation has obviously worked.

It's been a brave effort so far, and a very tired Sarah gets to the end,

but it doesn't get easier. There's Shaiden with the water cannon.

Shaiden, stop. Can't you see poor Sarah's spent?

Oh, thank you. Ohhh...custard creams.

It's not a bad time, but it is a bad dance.

Can Shaqeel do better?

I like to cook!

He also loves video games but hates vegetables.

Well, he's vegetating now. Come on, Shaqeel!

-He's a sitting target.

-Standing target.

-Standing target.

And Knightriss has got him.

The giant pea cannon does its job,

and Shaqeel gets quite a splatting.

Such skill!

Shaqeel needs to remember this is against the clock.

Oh, and another direct splat from Knightriss.

He really needs to get out of there.

Come on, Shaqeel, move, move, move!

I'm not sure I can watch any more of this.

This poor guy's really being picked on. That's better.

-That's it, one step at a time.

-Foot on, and...

Oh, in he goes!

Right, I definitely can't watch any more of this.

Can we go to the finishing line?

OK, 11:49. Let's just say he will be

very lucky to qualify with that time.

Anything can happen on Splatalot.

I love raspberries!

-OK, then, Tariq.

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

You can't put him off. Look at him dance across those barrels. Oops!

Look at that, is that the splat dance?

Let's just say dance can take many forms.

What's he doing now? One, two, three, one, two, three...

Not exactly Swan Lake, that, was it?

You're all mine now.

Well, Tariq will need some fancy footwork here.

Looking good, looking good... Ooh!

-Wang-twacker!

-Again, again!

-You are evil.

-But he recovers and puts in a good time.

-Shame about the dance.

It's not Strictly Come Dancing, it's Strictly Come Splatting.

Anyway, here's Denver.

I am a ladies' man!

That's as may be, but what will you make of our lovely ladies?

You haven't gotten very far, Denver.

Because the ladies are slowing him down, that's why.

Denver's got their attention for all the wrong reasons

-but he crosses and survives!

-Shailen, we need you!

The girls are ganging up on him.

And Denver makes his first mistake.

But he recovers.

Onto the battleaxes... and into the dirty brew.

The classic slip-splash there.

While he recovers, let's move on to Michael.

I'm a basketball and I'm gonna bounce all over this course!

-Bounce all over this course?

-Yes, I reckon he will.

-You mean that in a bad way, don't you?

-Watch out, Michael.

And he's been hit. Knightriss using that Splatzooka to full effect.

It says here Michael's into magic.

Let's see some magic on the Rolling Mace.

Ooh, spanking flanker!

Not one of his best tricks. Now you see him...now you don't.

Hang on. He really has disappeared.

-Either that or he's doing the rest of the course underwater.

-Where is he?

Oh, there he is. And not a bad time.

But another silly little victory dance.

That's the time to beat, but no-one's completely safe,

as only the fastest six go through.

And there are six more to come.

The brave warriors will be overcoming the odds, taking some hard knocks

and defying those Defenders,

with one goal in mind, the prized Splatalot crown.

What have been your highlights so far?

The Defenders can do no wrong for me.

-The more splats the better.

-What is it with you and the Defenders?

-Well, I've always wanted to be one.

-Oh, right, OK.

So what dark and dastardly name would you give yourself?

Colin.

-Colin the Defender?

-Yes.

So we'd have Skabb, Thorne, Ballista, Crocness, Tinkor,

-Gildar, Knightriss and...

-Colin.

Yeah. Back to Planet Earth. We're halfway through round one.

Six Attackers have run the course, six to come. We are on a knife-edge.

-Tell them why, Colin.

-We're on a knife-edge

cos only the six fastest Attackers will qualify for the next round.

Speed is everything!

Thank you. Here's a reminder of the times posted so far.

Colin!

Back to the course.

I'm as sweet as apple pie!

As sweet as apple pie and apparently very scared of sharks,

Kristen gets us under way.

The thing about sharks is they're only scary if you're near water.

Oh, look, water.

You say you're sweet as apple pie, do you?

Well, I don't like cooked fruit.

A fruit-based put-down from Knightriss, but will it work?

Well, yeah, looks like it has.

Everything is padded on this course, including knobbly bits here, here,

here and here.

-But what a splat.

-More of a knee-knee-head-back splat.

Knee-knee-head-back-splat. Knee-head- knee-knee-knee-head-back splat.

Knee-knee-head-back-splat.

Knee-knee-head-head...

Embarrassing.

I like sushi!

Kayla also likes music and is double-jointed.

Nice technique on the first battleaxe

but she's got stuck on the second!

The only way is down.

Yes, but Kayla is not a quitter.

At least, I think she isn't. Er...

No, she isn't! Kayla's on the Perilous Pole Vault, and...

she's made it.

Ah...no...I don't think she has, mate.

I...I'm sure she'll do it. That's it. Good old girl, go on.

Oh...

SHE WAILS

Well, if she does make it we'll let you know. Yes!

Moving on to our next contestant. Here we have Samantha.

I love zebra stripes!

-Samantha is into '80s music and ants.

-Why?

-I don't know, you ask her.

-OK.

Oi! Samantha! Why are you into '80s music and...

Oh, and splat.

That was your fault for shouting.

If you look closely, you'll see it's another deadly splat from Knightriss.

Oooh!

She's scary in slo-mo.

Back to Kayla. How's she doing?

Well, she hasn't given up, I'll say that much for her.

Come on, Kayla. Hang in there, old girl.

OK, let's give Liam a friendly splat. Welcome.

I'm going to dominate this course!

Liam says he wants to be a pilot but he's scared of birds.

-Don't slip!

-To be honest it's Knightriss he should be scared of.

Look at that, a double splat. Oooh!

Double ouch!

Onto the Battleaxes now. He's just checking...

Yes, Liam, Knightriss is still there.

Halfway across the axes now, and...ooh!

And on top of that landing Liam still has Knightriss to contend with,

not that Shaiden seems to care.

-Ooh, crunchy!

-Splatacious!

Not again. It's almost like he believes he can fly.

-What, like this?

-Very good.

Well...he can't. Sorry, Liam.

-Oh, guess who.

-Kayla?

-Kayla.

Somehow she's still holding on.

Why doesn't she just give up?

This is why. Because she can do it.

Come on, Kayla. Yes! She's made it.

I never doubted her for a minute, but will that time be good enough?

We'll have to wait and see.

Our 11th Attacker, Cole, is now ready on the course.

Asian warrior!

-Cole can burp the alphabet.

-I like him already.

I hope you're thirsty.

Shailen looking menacing as usual and Cole steps onto the bridge...

The water cannon puts him off his stride.

Yes, here's Cole on the rope bridge catwalk.

Strike a pose, Cole. I've never seen so much splatulence.

-Splatulence?

-Mm.

-Anyway, Cole makes it in at 9:29.

Look at that - not again! Did you teach him that dance?

Shut up! Here's Ashley.

I love rainbows!

But does she love barrels?

Well, I think she's doing very well so far. On to the final barrel...

and off it!

Oh, I say. She's our most graceful Attacker so far!

Can I be frank? Grace isn't important, surely.

Grace IS important, and don't call me Shirley.

Right, comedy aside, Ashley continues,

and heads towards the impossible incline...

Oh!

-Splurge.

-Here's where she forgot to put the brakes on.

There she goes - gracefully into the moat, and...

a big fat splurge.

Even so, she's made it in a very respectable time of 6:29.

Well, that's the end of a very exciting first round -

six Attackers are about to go through and six will go home.

-Thoughts?

-Oh! Well, I think the all-female Defenders

covered themselves in glory, and the Attackers in splat-related wetness.

-Beautifully put.

-Thank you.

So moving on will be...

-They'll face the foam-filled Stockade...

-New Defenders...

-And a lot more splatulence!

-That word scares me.

Well, after all that action, time for a quick break.

-Mmm!

-What have you got?

-Ham.

-Oh!

-I like ham-a-lot. Ha! What have you got?

Spam! I like Spam-a-lot.

-Actually, I can't stand Spam.

-I'm vegetarian.

Back to business! Round two beckons,

and 12 Attackers have been whittled down to six.

Ladies' man Denver is still the fastest so far,

but '80s girl Samantha and raspberry-loving Tariq

weren't too far behind.

-Don't forget Kristen.

-Kristen, hmm.

Knee-knee-head...

Er, forget about that. Here's the line-up.

These are the Attackers who made it through.

We're about to say goodbye to two of them,

as only four will survive the Stockade.

This round is all about hexagons.

The Attackers make their way across a giant spinning hexagon

and on to the smaller ones. There, they grab a ladder rung.

Once they've slotted the rungs into their ladders,

they grab a flag and make their way to the top.

Sounds easy, but there are only four flags,

the course will be covered in foam,

and they'll be slimed by the Defenders.

Talking of which, let's add three new Defenders to the mix.

Welcome to Handsomeville,

population...Gildar.

Joining Gildar will be weapons master Tinkor, and Skabb.

Skabb rules!

Arr! Rah!

So here are the remaining Attackers, all focused and ready to go.

Samantha in purple with the green stripe,

air pilot Liam in blue,

graceful Ashley in violet,

ladies' man Denver sporting dark blue,

Tariq in light green,

and don't forget Kristen in orange!

Don't worry, that's all behind me now.

Besides, she'll be unrecognisable when the foam starts.

-KLAXON

-And they're off!

On to the hexagon.

Those mini-hexagons are spring-loaded, to make it more fun.

Ashley has our first rung!

After wiping her nose, Kristen has one too.

The surface is getting slippy and on top of the foam Skabb is adding

gunge grenades to the mix.

Look!

Ah, wacky!

Now that's just showing off.

Doesn't matter - it's a perfect splat on the back for Liam.

Even so, Liam has his first rung.

However, almost totally unnoticed to anyone,

Tariq has nearly completed his ladder.

Oh, look, Gildar's seeking something out!

Who do you think has his attention?

Are we all impressed

at how quickly I went from the foam gun to the water gun?

-Isn't that impressive?

-Yeah, I was right.

Meanwhile, Skabb's spotted Tariq's progress

and splatted him with his slime stick.

You won't see a better slime-stick splat than that anywhere.

Back to the hexagons, and Kristen overshoots dramatically!

Listen out for that landing. Boing! Boing! Boing!

Crunch!

Tariq has his flag, and he's off. Remember there are six Attackers

but only four flags. He climbs to the top,

and he's through!

Gildar's up to his tricks again on the frother.

And Skabb is still splatting! This time it's a perfect splat

for Ashley. Splat-at-at-at-at-at-at-at!

Did everyone see how fast I was?

-He's very needy, isn't he?

-The slime buckets are out,

but Denver escapes just in time!

A lucky escape, because Skabb's having a great game.

Tinkor is now starting to deliver.

Kristen tries to shrug him off but the pressure is mounting.

She goes for another amazing leap

but it ends in a fantastic splaaaa-aaat.

No coming up the ladder without getting slime in the face!

Aaah!

Skabb is such a nasty piece of work. Great to watch, though,

-and he slimes Ashley.

-But he missed Denver!

Skabb! Skabb!

A schoolboy error from Skabb there, and Denver is also through.

You're a typical barbarian!

You're a Viking standing there doing nothing!

I'm looking handsome on the foam!

You've got to love him.

"I've got a headache." Handsome look to the camera.

Ashley now has a flag and is making her way to the top,

which means there's only one flag left for the others.

She celebrates! Looks like Liam

isn't too far behind.

Kristen, however, is still hitting those hexagons,

and now wants to take out a camera too!

Now, that is an expensive splat.

-That's embarrassing.

-Yeah, that didn't work.

Liam now has the last flag.

He's also on his last legs, bless him.

Samantha belly-flops on to a hexagon,

-just for fun.

-And Liam joins the other successful Attackers!

Which means Samantha and Kristen are out, but it was a clean contest.

And there they are.

Tariq, Denver, Ashley and Liam -

the Splatalot crown is just one step away.

So, any thoughts?

Jam doughnuts.

-No, about the second round.

-Oh!

I'd never normally hear a bad word said about the Defenders,

-but if I'm frank...

-I don't like it when he's frank.

-..they're rubbish!

Arguing amongst themselves and letting the Attackers off the hook.

But that will only make them more determined in the finale.

Here's a taste of what's to come in that finale,

the round where we reveal the new king or queen of Splatalot!

It's Splat Time!

Why don't we just take a moment to celebrate some classic splats?

Don't slip!

Such skill!

And that's why we call it Splatalot!

So, 12 in the Splatalot Moat, halved it to six in the Stockade,

-then subtracted two leaving us with...?

-27?

-Four.

-Ah.

-In the grand finale.

And here are some Splat Stats about those four.

Denver was ahead of Tariq after round one,

but Tariq finished first in round two.

Might be a personal battle emerging there.

Poor old Liam finished last in both rounds.

But he's in the final and still in with a chance.

And Ashley completes that all-important line-up.

On to the toughest course yet - and up against all six Defenders.

Skabb, Knightriss, Tinkor, Crocness, Gildar and Shaiden!

And then the course itself.

Not exactly a walk in the park.

The Attackers slide down the pole into a mud bath.

Then they'll make their way over the Slippery Slides

and on to the Titanic Teeters.

Scramble over the Barrier Of All Barriers,

hop across the Lily Pads, scale the Water Wall

and Capture the Crown.

So here are the Attackers -

a determined-looking Liam, and Ashley,

-and Tariq, and Denver. Looking determined.

-Great commentary.

Gildar! What's on your face?

Gildar has grown a "mistoush".

Look at that crumb-catcher.

Alisha!

KLAXON

-Down the pole and into the mud.

-But Shaiden is there

to clean them up with foam.

Which helps make these Slippery Slides even slippier and slidier.

The slides are being pelted with foam by Gildar!

He could use it to shave his mistoush off.

Oh, and a lovely slip-slide-splat there from Denver!

Fatty bum-bums.

The Attackers now making their way up the Teeters,

-but Ashley is struggling and...

-Take it away, sound effects.

Pythagorean whacker.

Tariq, looking good, but oh!

-Gildar showing no mercy with the slime stick.

-I want one of those.

-A slime stick?

-No, a mistoush.

-Oh!

That looked like a fall, but in slow motion,

the low-tech arrow, and thwack! An ankle-biter.

Back to the battle between Gildar and Tariq.

And Tariq's coming off second best to the Viking of Vanity.

This is a tight race, all four Attackers neck and neck,

but Tariq makes another run for it... Oh! Lucky splatter.

This time he hangs on. Maybe his luck is changing.

Gildar does his worst, but Tariq shrugs him off.

And he's even taunting Gildar! Well played, Tariq!

O-ho, but it doesn't get any easier!

Skabb just takes over where Gildar left off.

Denver now trying to catch up, but Tariq is still well ahead.

Trouble is he's getting attention from all the Defenders.

Liam doesn't need the Defenders, the Teeter is hard enough on its own.

Crocness is now pulling out all the splats, Tariq definitely struggling.

Bogies!

We don't do that any more. They are Goo Grenades.

They're bogies. Splatalot's turned into Snotalot.

Tinkor looks happy at his work.

The other Attackers are now way behind,

but Knightriss still has Tariq in her sights!

What a splat! Accurate and evil, leaving Tariq with a snotty back.

But it's not stopping him from climbing the Water Wall.

This tournament is almost over...

Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, there is a new king in town.

Make the most of it, Tariq.

What is that thing on your face?!

It's a traditional Viking rite of passage.

It means I'm entering manhood.

-Ow!

-Nice on, Tariq.

King Tariq.

-Sorry, Your Splatness.

-It's been quite quite a tournament.

-Have you got any more interesting Splat Stats?

-Yes!

We've had 248 oofs,

127 ker-plops,

only 58 b-b-b-b-bs,

our first ever um-zing-quarter-doink,

and...oh. How do you pronounce that.

-Oh, yes. That's...

-BLOWS STREAMER

23 of those.

41... ROAR

-Eh?

-You know, remember. We had onion bhajis for lunch.

And finally, 1,283 splats.

That's an awful lot of splats!

-Well, Dom, that's why they call this show... BOTH:

-Splatcamel.

Here's Splat of the Day.

It's straight out of the manual, this one.

Final round, and the pressure is on.

The way Ashley topples off that giant wooden pole,

-you'll never forget that skill. It's like...

-Falling off a log?

Thanks a lot, mate. You ruined my punchline.

No, no, I was just saving you from the embarrassment.

Aww. Cheers, mate. Mwah!

So after all the thrills and spills, celebrate the skills of King Tariq.

He danced through the first round...

Was the first to capture a flag and climb out of the Stockade...

And after a bit of teetering,

he overcame the Defenders and claimed the Crown,

which is what it's all about.

Well, that's all for now.

But remember, we are trained professionals!

Please do not try to present Splatalot at home. It's our job.

Yeah, get your own show!

Take it away, Your Majesty.

-I'm the king of the castle!

-Come on, Tariq,

-put some effort into it!

-You know what this deserves?

TROMBONE BLARES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd