Episode 5 Splatalot


Episode 5

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Welcome to Splatalot, a mythical medieval place,

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where 12 young warriors, brave and true,

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take on a horde of deadly defiant defenders

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to see who will emerge victorious to lay claim to the Splatalot crown.

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The outcome is uncertain, but one thing is for sure...

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the attackers are about to experience their greatest challenge

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on the toughest obstacle courses in the kingdom.

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There will be scrapes, knocks and, yes, there'll be lots of splats!

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Hello! We are Dick and Dom

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and welcome to the one, the only, the unmistakeable

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Spatula!

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-Splatalot.

-Splatalot.

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The show that asks 12 young attackers if they've got what it takes

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to conquer three of the most demanding courses ever created.

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They will be tested physically, but will they cope mentally?

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It's that combination of fear and fun

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which makes each course so exciting.

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And here are those courses in more detail.

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The first challenge is to cross the moat.

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The six fastest attackers will survive and move on to...

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The Stockade, this time sporting the wheel of certain doom...

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That's what a wheel of certain doom looks like.

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Then only the top four will progress to the final course

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where one of them will wear that crown!

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Do you like it? I was after the mock-castle effect!

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Lovely! Well, the moat challenge starts with the baffling barrels.

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Hop, skip and splat across these

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and you're one slippery slope away from the terrifying rolling mace.

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It's a mace, it rolls, and I think it's terrific!

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The impossible incline leads to the unbalancing battle-axes.

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Then the bridge of disaster

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take you to the perilous pole vault

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which carries you over the moat to the castle entrance

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and the finishing line.

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Tricky enough, but it's just about to get trickier!

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Here are today's defenders. Looks like they haven't been fed again.

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In the moat challenge, he's a little tinker... It's...

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Being half crocodile can make her snappy. It's...

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And an unlikely name for an evil villain, it's...

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Welcome to Splatalot!

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Watch your backs!

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So the course is set and the defenders look ready for battle.

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Time for our gutsy attackers to give everything they've got.

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First up is Aileen.

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I love purple carrots!

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Now, that is a scary battle cry!

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At the very least it could baffle the defenders!

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Sadly the only baffling out there is from the baffling barrels!

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Get you with your baffling barrels!

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-Where is she?

-There you are!

-Here she is! How are you doing, mate?

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-Nice aim, Crocness!

-I know.

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The defenders already have their sights set on Aileen.

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Accurate and cruel, top marks!

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Purple carrots!

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Purple carrots again! Does she know she's saying it out loud?

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Come on, Aileen!

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Purple carrots!

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-Do we have a worthy challenger?

-Do we? Where?

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Maybe she's visualising the carrots to get her around the course.

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Well, it's not working.

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Here we go!

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There he is, Tinkor!

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Tinkor doing his best to knock Aileen down, but she's through

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and on to the bridge.

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She's not taking any of this lying down! Actually she is, bless her!

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Just the perilous pole vault to go now.

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Limbers up, she's ready...

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and she's off...and not over!

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Wrong way, sweetheart!

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Maybe she'll use a different technique this time.

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Here she goes! Looks like she's gone for the sliding down the pole

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and into the leek-and-potato soup technique!

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So what does the action replay tell you, then, Dick?

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Well, it generally tells me what's happened, Dom!

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Thank you! So, Aileen manages a respectable...

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That...that...that...victory dance.

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Our next attacker is Marlin.

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This, this is nothing!

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Well, you can't knock his confidence or enthusiasm...

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Down he goes!

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And if that doesn't knock it, then nothing will!

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And he's battling on. Well done, Marlin.

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Slippy, slippy, jumpy...

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holdy-onny...splashy...

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Well, coverage from all angles,

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but, however you look at it, he's got oxtail soup all over it.

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Can Marlin handle the perilous pole vault or will he go for a Burton?

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Oh, yes, not bad at all!

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But 1 second behind Aileen.

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Still very early days and ten more attackers to go.

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Next up, it's Jennifer.

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I'm a klutz!

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-What's a klutz?

-You change gears with it. It's next to the brake pedal.

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Thanks.

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Oh, that's a backa-wacka-knacka! Yeah, I felt that!

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Not as much as she did!

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She's putting on a brave face, though!

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How are you doing there?

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-Eeeek!

-Oh, you scared me. You scared me every time!

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Classic! Nice to her face and then it's splat in her face.

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She's recovered and she's made it across the rolling mace.

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She's too nice. Let's move on to our next attacker, Arnay!

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I believe I can fly!

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Well, I believe you're heading for a fall, my son!

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That's the spirit!

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Hey... Down! I believe you're right.

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Another corker of a fall. The attackers taking some hard knocks.

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It's so slippy out there.

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There he is, putting his slippers back on. Slippers, get it?

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And over the bridge.

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There he goes, he slips again. Maybe he's wearing his slippers.

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-I just said that.

-I know. It wasn't funny the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time!

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Jennifer over twice as fast as Arnay.

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And he could be in trouble with that time.

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So, then, what's your favourite obstacle?

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The rolling mace or the battle-axes?

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Oh, definitely the rolling axes.

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I'm really tall!

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Oh, dear, Janice is struggling.

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-Any uplifting words of encouragement?

-Next!

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You know!

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Erblin's also struggling on the mace.

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Splat!

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Both Janice and Erblin getting splatted like there's no tomorrow.

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That's lots of splats.

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On to the battle-axes. Erblin taking his time.

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Must have a strategy.

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And, yes, Erblin choose to just lower himself

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safely and steadily into the water. Very good!

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What will Janice try?

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Looks like a leaping lollipop lizard!

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That's different to Erblin's approach! Must have hurt.

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We're awaiting a sign that she's OK. Give us a sign.

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-I'm OK.

-Thank you.

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So halfway through round 1...

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That is the time the remaining six attackers have to beat.

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Remember, only the six fastest go through to round 2.

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But the course is proving very tricky

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which is why we'll be seeing a lot more of this.

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It's a splat fest!

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-Splat!

-Are you going to spend the rest of the show over there?

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No, son, I'd like to proudly present a new defender.

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Pants and socks man, protector of the crown!

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In case you're wondering, this is still Splatalot.

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So far six attackers have taken the moat challenge...

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The all-important time to beat is Arnay's.

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Don't forget they've still to deal with the defenders.

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Guarding the moat, we have Tinkor, Crocness and Kookaburra.

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By the end of this round only the six fastest attackers will survive.

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So it's still all to play for.

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It's anyone's game, and here's the next attacker, Matt.

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My name's in the Bible!

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You've got a little food on your face. Thought I'd wash it off!

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Does anyone else find Kookaburra irritating?

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No, he's a barrel of laughs. Don't drink that beefy broth, Matt!

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Matt now at the mace.

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Matt still at the mace.

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And he makes a move...

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-which doesn't work.

-Yes, Matt's heading for another mouthful.

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But it's very tasty! It tastes like chicken!

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Well, the battle-axes have proved tricky today.

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Matt goes for a new approach, the belly hop, and it's worked.

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-Tinkor stops him on the bridge!

-Matt goes splat!

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Tinkor there, a little man of few words. A bit like myself.

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He lets his splats do the talking,

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but Matt just qualifies, knocking Arnay out of the contest.

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Next we have Ala.

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Do you know a vet? Because these puppies are sick!

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What? Her puppies aren't well?

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Now, apparently Ala is a keen scuba diver, which could come in handy.

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-Don't spend too long in that water!

-Don't spend too long in that water!

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-Is that all you've got for me?

-What have you got?

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There she goes up the slippery slope. Do not slip!

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There she goes again! She must really love it in there!

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Don't think she had much choice. Ooh!

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An attacker is actually attacking a defender!

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I hate to say it, but I'm impressed.

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Feeling sinky? Here comes sinky!

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Tinkor now getting positively chatty

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and once again his water cannon doing the trick.

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Don't drink the water, whatever you do!

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Well, despite Tinkor's efforts, she completes the course in...

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That means Matt's a goner.

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Here's Megan.

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I talk a lot!

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She talks a lot. Well, that's tough, cos it's not Talkalot,

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it's Splatalot! Oh, barra-wanga-tanga-wanga!

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You can talk the talk, but can you splat the splat?

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-You know you're talking out loud, don't you?

-How you doing, mate?

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My name's Kookaburra and I'm just here for you!

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LAUGHTER

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I'm so sorry!

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-That's so mean!

-I know, that is very mean,

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but so is your outfit!

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Oh, what a combination!

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Lethal accuracy from Crocness and scathing put-downs from Kookaburra!

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Yes, the poor girl is shell-shocked and doesn't last very long.

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Let's move on.

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Our next attacker is George.

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This is for Albania!

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Here's George at the impossible...

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Hey!

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-Is it possible he doesn't know it's impossible?

-Possibly.

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He made it over the battle-axes and the bridge

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so now he just has the perilous pole vault to go.

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Here he goes! Big, strong, brave man.

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Go on!

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Well, I'm sure he would rather us see

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how well he did on the battle-axes and the bridge, but no...!

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Defenders!

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That was you, Tinkor! Air high five!

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George and Megan have decent times, and maybe the best is yet to come.

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Or maybe not. What about Stephanie?

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I have a mouth guard.

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Well, that's just about the most sensible thing I've heard all day.

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I saw her for a second there.

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Stephanie is struggling with the slippery slope...

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so what's she going to make of the rolling mace?

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-Oh, Stephanie...down she goes.

-She's down again!

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They say I'm good with magic, you know, make people appear.

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I can make them disappear too, Tink. I'll show you.

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On the weekend, I was just chilling in my nest and...

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-boom!

-Kookaburra's just toying with her.

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-It's not nice to watch.

-Well, don't, then.

-I have to.

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Now, after a series of splats, splishes and splashes,

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Stephie is OK, but has decided she can't finish the course.

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-I hope you're happy with yourself.

-Nothing to do with me.

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Here's the last attacker, Rob, AKA Roberto Sanchez.

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The beach is that way!

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That's as may be, Roberto, but the course is this way!

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And doesn't he know it? He's just sprinted over the barrels!

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Slippy, slippy...

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Crocness doing her best to slow him down.

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Keep going, Rob.

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And there he is, just as fast over the rolling mace.

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Is this really the same course everyone else was struggling with?

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On to the battle-axes and again making it look so easy!

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He even does a little bit of showboating!

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Our hi-tech equipment reveals an impressive drop of 10 feet!

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Here, can I splatustrate something?

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-Look!

-It's not a toy! I'm going to tell if you don't give it back.

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They said I could have it for the weekend, but you broke it!

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All right, back to Rob.

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He makes it over the bridge and just the pole vault to go.

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Oh, and finally something he's struggling with.

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But, no, it's only a minor setback. Good lad.

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-That is a truly amazing time.

-The defenders should be embarrassed.

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But all credit to Rob who is through!

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So, some pretty impressive attackers through to round 2.

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But the defenders will be eating humble pie,

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followed by a slice of awkward silence tart!

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Here's the leader board.

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So, they may be the best, but is that good enough for round 2,

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where'll come face to face with the stockade...

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plus a new bunch of deadly defenders, intent on slowing them down?

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-Have you decided who you'd like to see win, then?

-Yes, I have.

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Aileen! Come on, Aileen!

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Well, I'm backing Marlin.

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He's around my height, therefore...have at you!

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-Now, there was no need for that, was there?

-No.

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Well, wipe it, then.

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-Who's through to round 2?

-I forget. I've got pie on my head.

-Oh, yes...

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-Got it?

-Got it.

-Good.

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-What happened to Colin?

-Colin?

-Yeah, he was good, Colin.

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We didn't have any attackers called Colin. There's never been a Colin.

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-Tell them about round 2.

-Ah, yes, it's the stockade.

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And the attackers have to escape from it.

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I call it escape the stockade.

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-Did you think that up on your own?

-Yeah.

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It's now on my head.

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-Welcome to the stockade!

-See? Got that bit right.

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The centrepiece is the wheel of certain doom

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which will slow down the attackers as they gather their kit.

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The kit is made up of ladder rungs of various lengths

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which slot into ladders waiting on the other side.

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You then need a flag and if you carry it up the ladder,

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-you're through to the finale.

-With only four flags and six attackers,

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it's going to end in tears for two of them.

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They might all be crying when they see the next gang of defenders.

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Well, what a charming bunch, although Thorne looks a bit mardy!

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Come on, mate, cheer up.

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Now, for added cruelty, the attackers have to remain strapped

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to the spinning wheel until they hear the claxon.

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-This makes them nice and giddy.

-Glad I didn't have any lunch!

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Get ready for foam!

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-Like a big washing machine.

-Apart from the contestants, foam guns

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and TV cameras, yes, it is! And they're off!

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Get ready, attackers!

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Erblin... struggling at the wheel there,

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but Megan is the first to break free with a rung.

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Still a long way to go, though.

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A bit of argy-bargy there, but I'm sure they like each other really.

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And Knightriss using the foam stick to great effect there.

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And Erblin is ambling and scrambling at the top of the wheel

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-and now he's on his way back down to the bottom.

-He's splat too!

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Thorne now starting to make his mark on Marlin.

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That's it, hang on for dear life, attacker!

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Here's Rob. He was the favourite after round 1,

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but now he's not looking too confident.

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Maybe he needs to remember he is also...

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I still don't know what that means.

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Well, Erblin is consistent.

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He's still taking the knicky-knocks!

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Would you like to try one of my slime balls?

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Knock it off, you lovebirds! We have attackers to take care of!

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This happens too often.

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Defenders start bickering and let attackers off the hook.

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Try telling that to Jennifer.

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She's getting well and truly slimed!

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Oh, Aileen takes a knicky-knock to the helmet there.

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Will that affect her? She's struggling to get her first rung in.

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Come on, Aileen!

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The wrong rungs in the wrong ladders. Do you suspect cheating?

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-Yes, I do. This will become known as laddergate!

-Confusing.

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Well, the defenders are back on track, foaming and slime-balling

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like foaming slime-ballers. The splat rate is off the chart.

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Erblin has his last rung in place, but Mr Sanchez has also caught up,

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and is trying a new tactic.

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Well, he's not getting anywhere, but at least he's taking out the others.

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So no-one's getting anywhere fast.

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-Yes, but they're getting nowhere in a very entertaining way.

-Right!

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So which attacker will be first to grab a flag?

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This one's getting away!

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The defenders have targeted him, but it's too little, too late.

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-He's the first through.

-Knightriss is fuming and foaming,

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she's really taking this out on the attackers.

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But ambling Erblin is an ambler no longer.

0:16:510:16:55

He's the second one through which means two flags remain.

0:16:550:16:57

And the remaining contestants are losing it.

0:16:570:17:00

There's a scramble for the flags, but it's all too frantic and foamy!

0:17:000:17:04

Well, Marlin's got a grip and now he's got a flag.

0:17:050:17:09

He's one ladder away from victory.

0:17:090:17:11

And so too is Jennifer!

0:17:130:17:14

She's taken the last flag.

0:17:140:17:16

-Marlin celebrates, but he's holding the flag upside down.

-That's treason!

0:17:210:17:25

Great! First laddergate, now flag-gate!

0:17:250:17:27

Aileen and Megan are still trying to finish their ladders...

0:17:270:17:30

But it's all too late as Jennifer reaches the top.

0:17:320:17:35

There we have it, our four successful attackers!

0:17:350:17:37

And all the flags are the right way up.

0:17:370:17:39

Which means it's bye-bye to Megan and Aileen.

0:17:430:17:45

For the second time today, Rob has finished on top.

0:17:450:17:48

But that will mean nothing if he fails the next round,

0:17:480:17:50

because it's...

0:17:500:17:52

Purple carrot time?

0:17:520:17:53

No, crunch time.

0:17:550:17:57

It isn't even purple.

0:17:570:17:59

Yes, the course gets trickier, the defenders get meanier,

0:18:000:18:04

and the splats get splattier! I like it!

0:18:040:18:06

-Aw!

-Down he goes!

0:18:230:18:26

Boom!

0:18:320:18:33

Shall we get ready?

0:18:410:18:43

-Doesn't get better than this, does it?

-Too right.

0:18:520:18:55

Although I'd like to think the Splatalot grand finale

0:18:550:18:58

will be a slightly bigger spectacle

0:18:580:18:59

than two blokes with fake taches taking cover in couple of dustbins!

0:18:590:19:03

Fair point. OK, so here are the final four.

0:19:030:19:06

They have the honour of competing for the Splatalot crown,

0:19:060:19:09

but only one of them will succeed.

0:19:090:19:10

Trying to stop them at all costs will be all six defenders.

0:19:100:19:13

-How many?

-All six.

0:19:130:19:15

OK, Gildar and Skabb have come out to play alongside...

0:19:150:19:18

Thorne, Tinkor, Knightriss and Crocness.

0:19:180:19:21

What a lovely bunch. And this is what they'll be defending.

0:19:230:19:25

It's the obstacle course of obstacle courses. Only 1 of our 4 finalists

0:19:250:19:29

will finish and claim the crown.

0:19:290:19:32

They all start at the pole drop, then it's into the funky foam

0:19:320:19:35

and over the terrible tottering teeters.

0:19:350:19:37

The bouncy buoys are next

0:19:370:19:39

which lead to the water wall and the crown of Splatalot.

0:19:390:19:42

Here's how they line up.

0:19:430:19:45

Rob in blue, Erblin in green,

0:19:450:19:47

Jennifer in purple and Marlin in orange.

0:19:470:19:50

We defend, you attack, take that back!

0:19:500:19:53

The defenders are really charged up now.

0:19:530:19:56

-KLAXON

-There goes the klaxon.

0:19:560:19:58

Down the pole and into the foam.

0:19:580:20:00

Oh, and a nasty helping of slime from Tinkor there.

0:20:000:20:03

How does the slime taste?

0:20:030:20:05

They make their way to the teeters. First to totter is...

0:20:050:20:08

..splooshy!

0:20:090:20:11

..splashy!

0:20:120:20:14

..slimy!

0:20:150:20:16

..oops!

0:20:170:20:18

All four really making hard work of this.

0:20:180:20:20

You could spend ages trying to describe this show,

0:20:200:20:23

but these pictures say it all, really.

0:20:230:20:27

-Actually quite poetic in its own way.

-Mmm!

0:20:270:20:29

I think that's pushing it a bit.

0:20:290:20:31

No, bear with me.

0:20:310:20:32

If you slow it down and add some classical music...

0:20:320:20:35

CLASSICAL MUSIC

0:20:350:20:37

-What a lovely piece of music.

-It's beautiful.

0:20:380:20:41

-You won't get past us without a fight!

-Skabb is angry, very angry!

0:20:500:20:54

How rude! Totally ruined the atmosphere.

0:20:560:20:58

Jennifer really paying for that classical interlude! Oh, da-da-da!

0:20:580:21:02

Now, can Roberto Sanchez show them how it's done?

0:21:020:21:05

Yes, yes, yes...no.

0:21:050:21:07

Well, now here's Jennifer taking it nice and slow...

0:21:070:21:11

and Marlin taking it nasty and fast.

0:21:110:21:13

Erblin also going for the fast approach...equally unsuccessful.

0:21:150:21:18

Sorry, Erblin...it doesn't get any better in slow motion.

0:21:180:21:23

But slow definitely working for Jennifer.

0:21:230:21:25

Despite Skabb, her sour-faced approach has really paid off.

0:21:250:21:28

Attackers! Come out, come out wherever you are!

0:21:280:21:31

-Not a good sign when the defenders are so cheerful.

-It put Marlin off.

0:21:310:21:35

Time for you to let off a little steam!

0:21:350:21:38

Don't worry, it's not real steam, but Erblin didn't know that

0:21:380:21:41

and suddenly he's over the barrier.

0:21:410:21:43

That's the fastest he's moved all day.

0:21:430:21:45

You could cut the tension here with a knife

0:21:450:21:47

and eat the atmosphere with a spoon!

0:21:470:21:50

What have you got against forks? Don't be cutlerist!

0:21:500:21:52

-Now, don't ask me how...

-Why...?

-I said don't ask me how!

0:21:570:22:00

-I didn't.

-But Jennifer is in the lead. She's at the water wall!

0:22:000:22:05

The others have made it to the buoys but it could be too late.

0:22:050:22:08

I think you might be right. She's halfway up! And...

0:22:080:22:12

look...

0:22:120:22:13

-yes, she captures the crown!

-Jennifer...

0:22:130:22:16

is the queen of Splatalot!

0:22:160:22:19

JENNIFER SQUEALS

0:22:190:22:21

Oh, she's broke my glasses! That isn't exactly queen-like behaviour!

0:22:210:22:25

-Yeah, a bit weird.

-Stop kicking barrels! That's naughty.

0:22:250:22:29

-Stop crying!

-Yeah, stop crying.

-Pull yourself together!

0:22:290:22:31

Pull yourself together! Stop crying!

0:22:310:22:34

Yeah, yeah, stop crying!

0:22:340:22:36

Pull yourself together!

0:22:360:22:37

JENNIFER SQUEALS

0:22:370:22:39

-Has she stopped?

-Pardon?

-What?

-Eh?

0:22:390:22:41

-I said, "Has she stopped?"

-Yes!

0:22:410:22:44

Good.

0:22:450:22:46

Well, who'd have thought runaway success Rob would run out of steam?

0:22:460:22:51

And that Erblin would win the contest?

0:22:510:22:53

He didn't, Jennifer won, but in a way we all won,

0:22:530:22:56

because the splats just kept on coming.

0:22:560:22:58

But one splat stood out from the rest...it's splat of the day.

0:22:590:23:03

She left us early on,

0:23:060:23:07

but Stephanie's contribution will stay with us for ever.

0:23:070:23:11

-I hate it!

-I love it, it just confuses me!

0:23:130:23:17

Will you get your act together

0:23:170:23:18

and we'll take a look at how Jen became the champion!

0:23:180:23:20

SQUEALING

0:23:200:23:22

I'm a klutz!

0:23:220:23:24

SQUEALING

0:23:350:23:37

So if you missed the show, that was pretty much it in ten seconds.

0:23:370:23:40

-One formality remains.

-Oh, yes!

0:23:400:23:42

-The changing of the underpants.

-No. It's time to raise the flag.

-Oh!

0:23:420:23:48

I'm the queen of the castle!

0:23:480:23:51

-Good! Now you can go and change your underpants!

-Splat!

0:23:510:23:55

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:23:570:24:01

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0:24:010:24:05

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