Episode 5 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot, a mythical medieval place,

where 12 young warriors, brave and true,

take on a horde of deadly defiant defenders

to see who will emerge victorious to lay claim to the Splatalot crown.

The outcome is uncertain, but one thing is for sure...

the attackers are about to experience their greatest challenge

on the toughest obstacle courses in the kingdom.

There will be scrapes, knocks and, yes, there'll be lots of splats!

Hello! We are Dick and Dom

and welcome to the one, the only, the unmistakeable

Spatula!

-Splatalot.

-Splatalot.

The show that asks 12 young attackers if they've got what it takes

to conquer three of the most demanding courses ever created.

They will be tested physically, but will they cope mentally?

It's that combination of fear and fun

which makes each course so exciting.

And here are those courses in more detail.

The first challenge is to cross the moat.

The six fastest attackers will survive and move on to...

The Stockade, this time sporting the wheel of certain doom...

That's what a wheel of certain doom looks like.

Then only the top four will progress to the final course

where one of them will wear that crown!

Do you like it? I was after the mock-castle effect!

Lovely! Well, the moat challenge starts with the baffling barrels.

Hop, skip and splat across these

and you're one slippery slope away from the terrifying rolling mace.

It's a mace, it rolls, and I think it's terrific!

The impossible incline leads to the unbalancing battle-axes.

Then the bridge of disaster

take you to the perilous pole vault

which carries you over the moat to the castle entrance

and the finishing line.

Tricky enough, but it's just about to get trickier!

Here are today's defenders. Looks like they haven't been fed again.

In the moat challenge, he's a little tinker... It's...

Being half crocodile can make her snappy. It's...

And an unlikely name for an evil villain, it's...

Welcome to Splatalot!

Watch your backs!

So the course is set and the defenders look ready for battle.

Time for our gutsy attackers to give everything they've got.

First up is Aileen.

I love purple carrots!

Now, that is a scary battle cry!

At the very least it could baffle the defenders!

Sadly the only baffling out there is from the baffling barrels!

Get you with your baffling barrels!

-Where is she?

-There you are!

-Here she is! How are you doing, mate?

-Nice aim, Crocness!

-I know.

The defenders already have their sights set on Aileen.

Accurate and cruel, top marks!

Purple carrots!

Purple carrots again! Does she know she's saying it out loud?

Come on, Aileen!

Purple carrots!

-Do we have a worthy challenger?

-Do we? Where?

Maybe she's visualising the carrots to get her around the course.

Well, it's not working.

Here we go!

There he is, Tinkor!

Tinkor doing his best to knock Aileen down, but she's through

and on to the bridge.

She's not taking any of this lying down! Actually she is, bless her!

Just the perilous pole vault to go now.

Limbers up, she's ready...

and she's off...and not over!

Wrong way, sweetheart!

Maybe she'll use a different technique this time.

Here she goes! Looks like she's gone for the sliding down the pole

and into the leek-and-potato soup technique!

So what does the action replay tell you, then, Dick?

Well, it generally tells me what's happened, Dom!

Thank you! So, Aileen manages a respectable...

That...that...that...victory dance.

Our next attacker is Marlin.

This, this is nothing!

Well, you can't knock his confidence or enthusiasm...

Down he goes!

And if that doesn't knock it, then nothing will!

And he's battling on. Well done, Marlin.

Slippy, slippy, jumpy...

holdy-onny...splashy...

Well, coverage from all angles,

but, however you look at it, he's got oxtail soup all over it.

Can Marlin handle the perilous pole vault or will he go for a Burton?

Oh, yes, not bad at all!

But 1 second behind Aileen.

Still very early days and ten more attackers to go.

Next up, it's Jennifer.

I'm a klutz!

-What's a klutz?

-You change gears with it. It's next to the brake pedal.

Thanks.

Oh, that's a backa-wacka-knacka! Yeah, I felt that!

Not as much as she did!

She's putting on a brave face, though!

How are you doing there?

-Eeeek!

-Oh, you scared me. You scared me every time!

Classic! Nice to her face and then it's splat in her face.

She's recovered and she's made it across the rolling mace.

She's too nice. Let's move on to our next attacker, Arnay!

I believe I can fly!

Well, I believe you're heading for a fall, my son!

That's the spirit!

Hey... Down! I believe you're right.

Another corker of a fall. The attackers taking some hard knocks.

It's so slippy out there.

There he is, putting his slippers back on. Slippers, get it?

And over the bridge.

There he goes, he slips again. Maybe he's wearing his slippers.

-I just said that.

-I know. It wasn't funny the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time!

Jennifer over twice as fast as Arnay.

And he could be in trouble with that time.

So, then, what's your favourite obstacle?

The rolling mace or the battle-axes?

Oh, definitely the rolling axes.

I'm really tall!

Oh, dear, Janice is struggling.

-Any uplifting words of encouragement?

-Next!

You know!

Erblin's also struggling on the mace.

Splat!

Both Janice and Erblin getting splatted like there's no tomorrow.

That's lots of splats.

On to the battle-axes. Erblin taking his time.

Must have a strategy.

And, yes, Erblin choose to just lower himself

safely and steadily into the water. Very good!

What will Janice try?

Looks like a leaping lollipop lizard!

That's different to Erblin's approach! Must have hurt.

We're awaiting a sign that she's OK. Give us a sign.

-I'm OK.

-Thank you.

So halfway through round 1...

That is the time the remaining six attackers have to beat.

Remember, only the six fastest go through to round 2.

But the course is proving very tricky

which is why we'll be seeing a lot more of this.

It's a splat fest!

-Splat!

-Are you going to spend the rest of the show over there?

No, son, I'd like to proudly present a new defender.

Pants and socks man, protector of the crown!

In case you're wondering, this is still Splatalot.

So far six attackers have taken the moat challenge...

The all-important time to beat is Arnay's.

Don't forget they've still to deal with the defenders.

Guarding the moat, we have Tinkor, Crocness and Kookaburra.

By the end of this round only the six fastest attackers will survive.

So it's still all to play for.

It's anyone's game, and here's the next attacker, Matt.

My name's in the Bible!

You've got a little food on your face. Thought I'd wash it off!

Does anyone else find Kookaburra irritating?

No, he's a barrel of laughs. Don't drink that beefy broth, Matt!

Matt now at the mace.

Matt still at the mace.

And he makes a move...

-which doesn't work.

-Yes, Matt's heading for another mouthful.

But it's very tasty! It tastes like chicken!

Well, the battle-axes have proved tricky today.

Matt goes for a new approach, the belly hop, and it's worked.

-Tinkor stops him on the bridge!

-Matt goes splat!

Tinkor there, a little man of few words. A bit like myself.

He lets his splats do the talking,

but Matt just qualifies, knocking Arnay out of the contest.

Next we have Ala.

Do you know a vet? Because these puppies are sick!

What? Her puppies aren't well?

Now, apparently Ala is a keen scuba diver, which could come in handy.

-Don't spend too long in that water!

-Don't spend too long in that water!

-Is that all you've got for me?

-What have you got?

There she goes up the slippery slope. Do not slip!

There she goes again! She must really love it in there!

Don't think she had much choice. Ooh!

An attacker is actually attacking a defender!

I hate to say it, but I'm impressed.

Feeling sinky? Here comes sinky!

Tinkor now getting positively chatty

and once again his water cannon doing the trick.

Don't drink the water, whatever you do!

Well, despite Tinkor's efforts, she completes the course in...

That means Matt's a goner.

Here's Megan.

I talk a lot!

She talks a lot. Well, that's tough, cos it's not Talkalot,

it's Splatalot! Oh, barra-wanga-tanga-wanga!

You can talk the talk, but can you splat the splat?

-You know you're talking out loud, don't you?

-How you doing, mate?

My name's Kookaburra and I'm just here for you!

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry!

-That's so mean!

-I know, that is very mean,

but so is your outfit!

Oh, what a combination!

Lethal accuracy from Crocness and scathing put-downs from Kookaburra!

Yes, the poor girl is shell-shocked and doesn't last very long.

Let's move on.

Our next attacker is George.

This is for Albania!

Here's George at the impossible...

Hey!

-Is it possible he doesn't know it's impossible?

-Possibly.

He made it over the battle-axes and the bridge

so now he just has the perilous pole vault to go.

Here he goes! Big, strong, brave man.

Go on!

Well, I'm sure he would rather us see

how well he did on the battle-axes and the bridge, but no...!

Defenders!

That was you, Tinkor! Air high five!

George and Megan have decent times, and maybe the best is yet to come.

Or maybe not. What about Stephanie?

I have a mouth guard.

Well, that's just about the most sensible thing I've heard all day.

I saw her for a second there.

Stephanie is struggling with the slippery slope...

so what's she going to make of the rolling mace?

-Oh, Stephanie...down she goes.

-She's down again!

They say I'm good with magic, you know, make people appear.

I can make them disappear too, Tink. I'll show you.

On the weekend, I was just chilling in my nest and...

-boom!

-Kookaburra's just toying with her.

-It's not nice to watch.

-Well, don't, then.

-I have to.

Now, after a series of splats, splishes and splashes,

Stephie is OK, but has decided she can't finish the course.

-I hope you're happy with yourself.

-Nothing to do with me.

Here's the last attacker, Rob, AKA Roberto Sanchez.

The beach is that way!

That's as may be, Roberto, but the course is this way!

And doesn't he know it? He's just sprinted over the barrels!

Slippy, slippy...

Crocness doing her best to slow him down.

Keep going, Rob.

And there he is, just as fast over the rolling mace.

Is this really the same course everyone else was struggling with?

On to the battle-axes and again making it look so easy!

He even does a little bit of showboating!

Our hi-tech equipment reveals an impressive drop of 10 feet!

Here, can I splatustrate something?

-Look!

-It's not a toy! I'm going to tell if you don't give it back.

They said I could have it for the weekend, but you broke it!

All right, back to Rob.

He makes it over the bridge and just the pole vault to go.

Oh, and finally something he's struggling with.

But, no, it's only a minor setback. Good lad.

-That is a truly amazing time.

-The defenders should be embarrassed.

But all credit to Rob who is through!

So, some pretty impressive attackers through to round 2.

But the defenders will be eating humble pie,

followed by a slice of awkward silence tart!

Here's the leader board.

So, they may be the best, but is that good enough for round 2,

where'll come face to face with the stockade...

plus a new bunch of deadly defenders, intent on slowing them down?

-Have you decided who you'd like to see win, then?

-Yes, I have.

Aileen! Come on, Aileen!

Well, I'm backing Marlin.

He's around my height, therefore...have at you!

-Now, there was no need for that, was there?

-No.

Well, wipe it, then.

-Who's through to round 2?

-I forget. I've got pie on my head.

-Oh, yes...

-Got it?

-Got it.

-Good.

-What happened to Colin?

-Colin?

-Yeah, he was good, Colin.

We didn't have any attackers called Colin. There's never been a Colin.

-Tell them about round 2.

-Ah, yes, it's the stockade.

And the attackers have to escape from it.

I call it escape the stockade.

-Did you think that up on your own?

-Yeah.

It's now on my head.

-Welcome to the stockade!

-See? Got that bit right.

The centrepiece is the wheel of certain doom

which will slow down the attackers as they gather their kit.

The kit is made up of ladder rungs of various lengths

which slot into ladders waiting on the other side.

You then need a flag and if you carry it up the ladder,

-you're through to the finale.

-With only four flags and six attackers,

it's going to end in tears for two of them.

They might all be crying when they see the next gang of defenders.

Well, what a charming bunch, although Thorne looks a bit mardy!

Come on, mate, cheer up.

Now, for added cruelty, the attackers have to remain strapped

to the spinning wheel until they hear the claxon.

-This makes them nice and giddy.

-Glad I didn't have any lunch!

Get ready for foam!

-Like a big washing machine.

-Apart from the contestants, foam guns

and TV cameras, yes, it is! And they're off!

Get ready, attackers!

Erblin... struggling at the wheel there,

but Megan is the first to break free with a rung.

Still a long way to go, though.

A bit of argy-bargy there, but I'm sure they like each other really.

And Knightriss using the foam stick to great effect there.

And Erblin is ambling and scrambling at the top of the wheel

-and now he's on his way back down to the bottom.

-He's splat too!

Thorne now starting to make his mark on Marlin.

That's it, hang on for dear life, attacker!

Here's Rob. He was the favourite after round 1,

but now he's not looking too confident.

Maybe he needs to remember he is also...

I still don't know what that means.

Well, Erblin is consistent.

He's still taking the knicky-knocks!

Would you like to try one of my slime balls?

Knock it off, you lovebirds! We have attackers to take care of!

This happens too often.

Defenders start bickering and let attackers off the hook.

Try telling that to Jennifer.

She's getting well and truly slimed!

Oh, Aileen takes a knicky-knock to the helmet there.

Will that affect her? She's struggling to get her first rung in.

Come on, Aileen!

The wrong rungs in the wrong ladders. Do you suspect cheating?

-Yes, I do. This will become known as laddergate!

-Confusing.

Well, the defenders are back on track, foaming and slime-balling

like foaming slime-ballers. The splat rate is off the chart.

Erblin has his last rung in place, but Mr Sanchez has also caught up,

and is trying a new tactic.

Well, he's not getting anywhere, but at least he's taking out the others.

So no-one's getting anywhere fast.

-Yes, but they're getting nowhere in a very entertaining way.

-Right!

So which attacker will be first to grab a flag?

This one's getting away!

The defenders have targeted him, but it's too little, too late.

-He's the first through.

-Knightriss is fuming and foaming,

she's really taking this out on the attackers.

But ambling Erblin is an ambler no longer.

He's the second one through which means two flags remain.

And the remaining contestants are losing it.

There's a scramble for the flags, but it's all too frantic and foamy!

Well, Marlin's got a grip and now he's got a flag.

He's one ladder away from victory.

And so too is Jennifer!

She's taken the last flag.

-Marlin celebrates, but he's holding the flag upside down.

-That's treason!

Great! First laddergate, now flag-gate!

Aileen and Megan are still trying to finish their ladders...

But it's all too late as Jennifer reaches the top.

There we have it, our four successful attackers!

And all the flags are the right way up.

Which means it's bye-bye to Megan and Aileen.

For the second time today, Rob has finished on top.

But that will mean nothing if he fails the next round,

because it's...

Purple carrot time?

No, crunch time.

It isn't even purple.

Yes, the course gets trickier, the defenders get meanier,

and the splats get splattier! I like it!

-Aw!

-Down he goes!

Boom!

Shall we get ready?

-Doesn't get better than this, does it?

-Too right.

Although I'd like to think the Splatalot grand finale

will be a slightly bigger spectacle

than two blokes with fake taches taking cover in couple of dustbins!

Fair point. OK, so here are the final four.

They have the honour of competing for the Splatalot crown,

but only one of them will succeed.

Trying to stop them at all costs will be all six defenders.

-How many?

-All six.

OK, Gildar and Skabb have come out to play alongside...

Thorne, Tinkor, Knightriss and Crocness.

What a lovely bunch. And this is what they'll be defending.

It's the obstacle course of obstacle courses. Only 1 of our 4 finalists

will finish and claim the crown.

They all start at the pole drop, then it's into the funky foam

and over the terrible tottering teeters.

The bouncy buoys are next

which lead to the water wall and the crown of Splatalot.

Here's how they line up.

Rob in blue, Erblin in green,

Jennifer in purple and Marlin in orange.

We defend, you attack, take that back!

The defenders are really charged up now.

-KLAXON

-There goes the klaxon.

Down the pole and into the foam.

Oh, and a nasty helping of slime from Tinkor there.

How does the slime taste?

They make their way to the teeters. First to totter is...

..splooshy!

..splashy!

..slimy!

..oops!

All four really making hard work of this.

You could spend ages trying to describe this show,

but these pictures say it all, really.

-Actually quite poetic in its own way.

-Mmm!

I think that's pushing it a bit.

No, bear with me.

If you slow it down and add some classical music...

CLASSICAL MUSIC

-What a lovely piece of music.

-It's beautiful.

-You won't get past us without a fight!

-Skabb is angry, very angry!

How rude! Totally ruined the atmosphere.

Jennifer really paying for that classical interlude! Oh, da-da-da!

Now, can Roberto Sanchez show them how it's done?

Yes, yes, yes...no.

Well, now here's Jennifer taking it nice and slow...

and Marlin taking it nasty and fast.

Erblin also going for the fast approach...equally unsuccessful.

Sorry, Erblin...it doesn't get any better in slow motion.

But slow definitely working for Jennifer.

Despite Skabb, her sour-faced approach has really paid off.

Attackers! Come out, come out wherever you are!

-Not a good sign when the defenders are so cheerful.

-It put Marlin off.

Time for you to let off a little steam!

Don't worry, it's not real steam, but Erblin didn't know that

and suddenly he's over the barrier.

That's the fastest he's moved all day.

You could cut the tension here with a knife

and eat the atmosphere with a spoon!

What have you got against forks? Don't be cutlerist!

-Now, don't ask me how...

-Why...?

-I said don't ask me how!

-I didn't.

-But Jennifer is in the lead. She's at the water wall!

The others have made it to the buoys but it could be too late.

I think you might be right. She's halfway up! And...

look...

-yes, she captures the crown!

-Jennifer...

is the queen of Splatalot!

JENNIFER SQUEALS

Oh, she's broke my glasses! That isn't exactly queen-like behaviour!

-Yeah, a bit weird.

-Stop kicking barrels! That's naughty.

-Stop crying!

-Yeah, stop crying.

-Pull yourself together!

Pull yourself together! Stop crying!

Yeah, yeah, stop crying!

Pull yourself together!

JENNIFER SQUEALS

-Has she stopped?

-Pardon?

-What?

-Eh?

-I said, "Has she stopped?"

-Yes!

Good.

Well, who'd have thought runaway success Rob would run out of steam?

And that Erblin would win the contest?

He didn't, Jennifer won, but in a way we all won,

because the splats just kept on coming.

But one splat stood out from the rest...it's splat of the day.

She left us early on,

but Stephanie's contribution will stay with us for ever.

-I hate it!

-I love it, it just confuses me!

Will you get your act together

and we'll take a look at how Jen became the champion!

SQUEALING

I'm a klutz!

SQUEALING

So if you missed the show, that was pretty much it in ten seconds.

-One formality remains.

-Oh, yes!

-The changing of the underpants.

-No. It's time to raise the flag.

-Oh!

I'm the queen of the castle!

-Good! Now you can go and change your underpants!

-Splat!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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