Episode 6 Splatalot

-Welcome to Splatalot.

-And welcome to today's brave young warriors.

They're the good guys.

And these are the bad guys whose mission it is

to stop the good guys from claiming the much-treasured Splatalot crown.

Will the evil defenders keep the noble attackers at bay

and preserve their kingdom?

Or will the attackers reign victorious?

Who will tumble? Who will tilt?

Who will teeter and who will go... BOTH: SPLAT?

Hello! Welcome one and welcome all to Splatalot!

-We are Dick and Dom.

-Welcome to our medieval splatfest.

-You know what a lot of people ask us?

-To wash more frequently?

No. Yes. Not that!

A lot of people ask us if Splatalot is a fake place.

-Of course it's not fake!

-It's as genuine as we are!

I don't think that's a convincing argument.

But no, it's definitely real and it's also definitely in Canada.

It's not like you can hop on a bus.

Here's the other real thing about Splatalot, the challenges.

The first is the moat.

The course itself is hard enough but it's also against the clock.

Only the fastest six will survive and move on to the next round.

Which is the stockade.

Our six attackers must escape from this foam-filled prison,

but only four will succeed, and make it through to the final.

This is where we find out who's got what it takes.

At the end of this round, one of them will be wearing that crown.

It's very comfy. I tried it on when you were in make-up.

-That's outrageous!

-Do you think they'll lock me up?

No, I don't need any make-up!

Yes, of course(!)

Let's check out round one in more detail.

We begin with the pungent plank. It's a plank that whiffs a bit.

That leads to the rolling mace with its pointy bits.

The impossibly incline is next, then the battleaxes will chop you up.

If you survive, you cross the rope bridge of disaster and rest.

Before balancing on the debilitating disc. I've run out of bits.

Pity(!)

I've saved the best bit till last.

Here's the gang with the nasty bits - the defenders.

She's all blue but she's not sad, she's just bad. It's Shadowy Shaiden.

Next it's the heartless tartan archer, Ballista.

And Skabb completes the line-up for round one.

-This round takes brine.

-And brains.

-AND SKABB!

The defenders all look lethal in their own way.

-I'm sure the attackers will prove superior.

-That's fighting talk!

-Here's our first attacker.

-I'm pumped up!

Dagger Derek is pumped up but also watered down, thanks to Ballista.

You may be pumped up but we're going to take you down.

-Ballista's the one pumped up.

-We've Derek on our hands.

I'm well. I'm in a very good mood today.

Skabb is in a good mood, that can't be good for the attackers.

Oh, dear! Not good at all.

In football, attackers are often accused of taking a dive.

What Derek's just done is more of a giant splat-piddly-pat.

Hey, Derek, the path to the crown is treacherous.

Shaiden's getting mystical but she's not wrong.

The incline is indeed treacherous.

Treacherous like a teacher accused of treason covered in treacle.

You know that makes no sense, don't you?

AARGH!

It's never a good idea to rile Skabb. The other defenders won't like it.

Shaiden is vaporising Derek just when he least needs it.

-Good job, Shaiden.

-Oh, yeah!

Derek battles on, the rope bridge is next. So is Ballista.

I'm glad I got to meet you today.

-Such charm offensive.

-You don't want to be friends?

See? Charming, then offensive.

Something tells me Ballista doesn't make friends easily.

Derek's concentrating hard on the debilitating disc.

RAARGH!

Oh! Splatflaps!

-RAWR!

-That's guaranteed to break anyone's concentration.

That's what defenders do, they channel their rage and water cannons.

Derek finishes and sets the benchmark time of 5:20.

Up next - or down next - is Tamia.

I like pineapple on my pizza!

Tamia! Hi, I'm Skabb.

-This is my weapon.

-SKABB SCREAMS

-Uh-oh, we've got a screamer.

-Skabb's scream puts Tamia into the moat.

-Wallop!

-The nice thing about Skabb is that he always gets to the point.

-You always know what he's thinking.

-Which is more than Skabb does.

-Yeah!

-It's a clever tactic from Tamia.

Be nice to Skabb and he'll be... Forget it.

Tamia may have a crush on Skabb.

Skabb just wants to crush Tamia.

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you're falling off

an oversized axe in a medieval game show.

-Tamia is OK.

-Aw, he does care.

Skabb rules!

Best of friends but is it the best of times for Tamia?

Purple porcupine!

Here's Kristine with a capital K.

You must know when you come here you're going to get wet.

And that's the moat with a capital splat.

-Hello, attacker.

-Skabb isn't on first name terms with Kristine.

Splunker!

Quite rightly, she turns her back on him.

Skabb did splat her with a paintball. That's as polite as he gets.

Last night we had the Splatty Awards and I won Most Valuable Defender.

What a great night. And Ballista shows us just why she won. Sploosh.

-I didn't get an invite.

-Didn't you? Oh.

Kristine finishes in 3:14.

Certainly pacier than any of the speeches last night.

So who won the Best Splatalot Presenter Award?

Ha-ha-ha!

-Let's just say we came second.

-But we present it.

Best Splatalot Presenter: Skabb.

I'm not going to argue with him.

Let's pretend we're hosting the Splatty Awards.

Orangeville does not grow oranges!

That's quite an acceptance speech from Dylan,

who's not receiving the red carpet treatment down the incline.

-The paparazzi would have a field day.

-Best Supporting Splat goes to Adam.

My shout out is to my friends Josh, Julian and my twin brother Alex!

Clever. Always thank your friends and family.

We should give attackers credit for performing their own stunts.

Absolutely!

Now, picking up the Lifetime Achievement Award

for Services to Splatting is Tianna.

Chickens are going to rule the world!

What separates the stars of the splatter screen from the rest of us

is their effortless grace and natural poise.

She's also been nominated for Best Dunk on the Debilitating Disc.

She started well with a fine rope grip but then she couldn't hang on.

This really has to be one of the hardest obstacles on the course.

Sloppy-poppy.

Fellow nominee Dylan also started well.

In the end the balancing act was just too tough.

-Momma-knickers-pappa-splat!

-The final nominee is Adam.

He had the added distraction of a focused Ballista.

The combination of water, slippery surfaces and gravity

led to one simple outcome - a splat in the moat.

-And the award goes to...

-Adam with a time of 6:12.

He's followed by a stellar performance from Dylan with 7:12

and a fine supporting role from Tianna with 7:30.

So we're halfway through round one.

Kristine leads with 3:14, and Tianna's 7:30 is the time to beat

in order to advance to the stockade.

We've got six more attackers for scary Skabb to shout at.

Maybe they'll give him something to shout about.

Whatever happens, there'll be screaming, shouting and splatting.

Still to come, we've got the stockade.

And the grand finale, where one of our attackers will be crowned

the new king or queen of Splatalot.

Right now we're halfway through round one.

We still have six more attackers waiting to face the moat challenge.

It's about to get very interesting.

Only the fastest six will go through to the next round.

Here are the times for the first six attackers.

Kristine is our fastest star so far, but Tianna might fail her audition,

with a time to beat of 7:30.

But with Skabb on the splatzooka, Shaiden on the vapour pistols

and Ballista on the cannon, that might be good enough.

-There's only one way to find out.

-Fast forward?

No! Let the second half begin.

-Attacker number seven is Matt.

-I want a monkey!

How peculiar. SPLODGE!

Again! Again! I think Matt's going to splat his way around this course.

Matthew, allow me to introduce myself. I am Skabb!

-Ooh! That was quite a thwack!

-Do not give me that look! Argh!

Ooh! How many times? It never pays to answer back.

Batty-wangles!

Skabb only has two emotions - angry and furious.

If you look him in the eyes, like Matt did, you're going down.

End of.

Now has Matt learnt his lesson with Shaiden?

-One step at a time!

-Oh, oh, oh! Scroggage!

Matt the splat.

The battleaxes always require the attacker's full concentration,

and usually produce that kind of result.

Remember Tianna's time to beat of 7:30?

Matt hasn't beaten it so he's not going through. Tough splat!

-Here's Carolina.

-Nasty knuckles!

Carolina! Skabb! Carolina!

-Thanks for clearing that up, Skabb!

-Splat stuck in your...

That was a good shot by me, wasn't it?

You're on fire today, Skabb.

Right on cue, Skabb proves Shaiden right.

Even the Splatalot cameras are not safe today.

-Look what happened.

-The crew better clean it up.

Skabb might splat them too, the mood he's in.

And he's still splatting! This man is a...

-..with Skabb's high heels.

-At 5:28, Carolina's currently safe.

I'm gonna save the princess

and look good doing it!

Princess? It's a castle with a moat,

there's probably a princess somewhere.

I like it! Let's rethink the show!

Level one, collect all seven splataroons.

-Splataroons?

-Splatalot currency.

-Right.

Then clear the mace and avoid the splatkabooms.

Let's get back to the proper contest.

There's no princess. Here's the next best thing.

Ballista's time to shine.

Ballista not so much princess, more evil, scary bringer of failure.

Whatever game Jamie had in his head, it worked because he's through.

Time for our next attacker, Ryan.

I want my newspaper back!

Just buy another one, it's much easier.

-We've got a quick one on our hands.

-He really wants that paper back.

Poodles!

He won't be making the headlines if he doesn't get a move on.

This fall has cost him a lot of time.

He's reached the debilitating disc, so he's in range of Ballista.

-But he's hanging on.

-Fall!

And fall he does. If Ballista tells you to clean your room, you'd do it!

But is Ryan clean through? 5:53. It can be beat.

Here's Jacy.

I like to party! Aah!

Then you've come to the wrong place, Jacy dear.

There are no butterfly cakes and cucumber sandwiches out there.

-What parties do you go to?

-I mean the course is no picnic! Look!

I think Jacy has already established that for herself.

Hello. Welcome to the biggest party of your life.

I don't think Shaiden will make it in the party entertainment business.

-Oh, 'ello.

-Goodbye!

Hello, goodbye, bonsoir or auf Wiedersehen.

It's a splat in any language.

That's a victory dance in any language. She's currently through.

If she does go through, Ballista will be waiting for her.

Here's our final attacker, Courtney.

No jellyfish can mess with this mango!

-I've got no comeback for that one.

-Trouble is, neither has Courtney.

One thing's for sure, her mango has been messed with now. Mango fritters.

She's back up now, and despite Skabb's attentions,

she heads down the incline.

She's overshot! Down she goes, dirty water!

If you look more closely, you'll see a trailing right foot

is all it takes to send Courtney off balance and into the jerk chicken.

Courtney now has to hurry up.

She only has 20 seconds left with the debilitating disc still to go.

Nobody's made a clean crossing today, but she needs to.

-Come on Courtney!

-Rawr!

-ALARM

That won't help. Courtney's almost there!

-Time's running out!

-Did I get her?

-No, you didn't!

And Courtney is... She's through! She's in the top six!

The mango made it! There's the mango dance.

-That was nail-biting stuff.

-Next time try biting your own nails!

So the six fastest are Derek, Kristine, Carolina, Jamie,

Jacy and Courtney. Yazoo.

But they'll need far more than just speed in the next round.

They'll need a packed lunch and practical shoes.

The stockade doesn't suffer fools gladly,

that's why you've never been in there.

So it's time for the Stockade. Two attackers won't survive this round.

What happens to the attackers who don't make it through?

Is it something really, really awful?

Apparently, after the round ends, they have a nice hot bath,

have a hot chocolate each and sit in front of the telly with a cat.

-Do they get marshmallows in the hot chocolate?

-Don't be stupid.

-This isn't a holiday camp.

-Sounds terrible.

Here are the six attackers

who want to avoid a hot chocolate with no marshmallows.

Jamie, Kristine, Derek...

Carolina, Jacy and Courtney.

But all of the attackers start from scratch in this round.

It's anybody's game. Here's the stockade in more detail.

Attackers have to cross a giant spinning hexagon

then leap onto the smaller ones, where they can reach ladder rungs.

These rungs slot into the ladders on the other side.

They then grab one of four flags and make their way out of the stockade

to freedom and glory.

There is, of course, one more vital piece of the jigsaw

that we've kept up our sleeves.

Buh!

Give it here! No wonder I couldn't finish it!

Here are the new defenders.

The stockade welcomes Crocness, the reptile with the crocodile smile,

Gildar the Viking who's not to everyone's liking,

and Knightriss, our knight in sliming armour.

Knightriss has her eye on you!

With seconds to go, here's how the attackers line up, left to right.

We've got Jacy, Kristine, Carolina, Jamie, Courtney and Derek.

Don't forget Gildar. KLAXON BLARES

They're off and it's already a splatfest.

Jamie and Carolina making strides, Kristine isn't far behind.

Carolina already with a rung.

BOING Love that sound.

Derek and Courtney struggling to stay on the hexagons.

Kerr-splat! That's embarrassing!

Do you know what? I think they're just having lots of fun.

What do they think this is? An entertainment show?

It's all getting messy.

Gildar you magnificent Viking, you've done it again.

Hello there. Want a taste of slime?

What's worse, Croc's slime or Gildar's smarm?

Crocness with a taste for more sliming.

Knightriss won't be left out either.

Knightriss is on fire today!

Good job we've got all that foam, then. Can't start a fire in there.

Jamie isn't necessarily playing the same game as the other attackers.

Maybe this time he's leaping to save the princess.

Oh, a perfect score. Jamie can advance to the next rung.

The further you get, the harder it gets. Crocness is sliming again.

Now she's set her sights on Courtney.

Kristine now decides to take a leap of faith.

And ends up with a face full of foam.

If at first you don't succeed, splat, splat again.

The defenders had better keep an eye on Jamie and Kristine.

Jamie has finished his ladder, which triggers Knightriss into action.

But her aim is off.

Ah, isn't that pretty?

-It's like a winter wonderland.

-It'd make a lovely card.

Beats the one you sent me.

Back to the game. Kristine has made it to the top and is through.

Jamie's now also finished, which means there are two flags left

and four attackers.

Splat! Derek's in trouble!

More than he knows, Carolina is also finished.

Thanks to the splat-cams, we know where your shoe is, Derek.

-We're not going to help you look for it.

-Speak for yourself.

-Go and help him, then.

-I can't, I'm allergic.

-To foam?

-No, to Gildar.

-Sorry about that.

-Panic over. Derek has his shoe.

Now he needs to panic about one flag remaining.

This is where it gets nasty. It's survival of the slimiest.

-As Derek has proved, he blocks Jacy.

-I think Jacy hesitated.

She who hesitates is splatted in this game.

But will it pay off? Meanwhile, here's a quiz for Knightriss.

Which boy band had a hit single with Shine?

-Take That!

-Is there nothing she doesn't know about pop music?

Derek has grabbed the last flag.

Courtney's still trying but surely it's all in vain? It is!

Derek becomes the fourth and final attacker through.

There are the triumphant finalists.

No marshmallows for Jacy and Courtney. They are out.

You know you're not going to win this. You're not going to win this.

-It's because of your sass.

-Gildar finding excuses, as usual.

It won't effect the outcome.

Through to the final are Kristine, Jamie, Carolina and Derek.

-The stockade is my absolute favourite round.

-Ah. Lovely.

Now we move on to the finale.

Great! The finale is my absolute favourite round!

Has anyone got a colouring book for Dick?

Stand by for plenty of teetering, the odd totter,

-and, rather worryingly, some happy defenders.

-Yeah!

It's splat time.

Why don't we take a moment to celebrate some classic splats?

We're going to take you down!

I am Skabb!

I'm in a good mood today.

And that's why we call it Splatalot!

We have four finalists but only one will succeed in claiming the crown.

Stop right there.

As the self-appointed representative of the defenders,

it has come to my attention that unless the attackers are awful,

the defenders can never win this competition.

If the good guys lose, the audience will feel let-down

and the show will be axed.

-Strike's off.

-Good. Let's get on with it, then.

Our finalists are...

Kristine, Jamie, Carolina and Derek.

They've got a big challenge on their hands and only one of them

is going to get to rule the kingdom of Splatalot.

Now you've mentioned them, here they are -

Gildar, Ballista, Skabb, Crocness, Knightriss and Shaiden.

Mean and marvellously moody.

The attackers start by sliding down a pole into the mud bath.

Then it's over the slippy slides and onto the teeter-totters.

Once over the barrier, they leap across the lily pads.

And then the water wall is all that prevents the attackers

-from claiming the crown.

-No-one said it would be easy.

Here's how the attackers line up - Kristine is in the pink,

Carolina in yellow, Jamie in light blue,

and Derek's in the dark blue.

It looks like the defenders have put the strike nonsense behind them

-as they prepare for battle.

-KLAXON BLARES

And down they go into the mud bath.

Ballista's there to clean them up.

Very slick sliding from Kristina there.

Not so slick on the teeters, though.

They are probably the hardest obstacles, as Kristina proves.

She's not alone, they're all teetering and tottering.

And above all splatting, it's splat-terrific and splat-tastic.

As if the teeters weren't hard enough,

-Derek's also got defenders to deal with.

-High-five!

-Yeah!

-Carolina, slipping and splatting.

I'm going to politely remind you this is actually a race.

Gildar's just right for TV, don't you think?

And Kristine's just right for falling off a teeter.

I don't know if that's what Gildar was after but that's what he got.

Oh, there we are. Jamie's almost over.

Shaiden and Skabb force him back.

Knightriss and Crocness teaming up on Kristine.

The defenders called off the strike

but we'll be off air if we lose any more cameras.

Kristine's the first one onto the lily pads.

The defenders need to step it up.

Not far behind is Jamie.

Looks like Ballista is saving up, and down he goes.

-How about a little slime tasting?

-Does she have any choice?

Carolina and Derek are a long way behind now.

Can anyone catch Kristine? I think she's going to be our new queen.

She's one leap away now.

And she's made it!

No, she hasn't. It's all about the elbows, you see.

Get your elbows onto the platform and you'll be OK,

otherwise the course will give you the elbow.

Will this allow the others back into the race?

Jamie finally makes it over the barrier.

He might catch up with Kristine, who leaps and fails again.

I don't think Derek will affect the result.

It's all about Kristine and Jamie.

-Aargh!

-Skabb has something to say about that.

Jamie is leaping into the lead. Kristine slips at the wrong moment.

It's raining!

Jamie leaps and he's made it!

Once again, Jamie seems to be playing his own game.

Is he still trying to save that princess?

What a comeback. He goes up the water wall.

What must Kristine be thinking?

-Don't give up, keep on moving!

-She's thinking, "Shut up, Skabb!"

Jamie's almost there. Carolina isn't.

No-one can touch him now.

Game over for the game gamer.

Bad luck, Kristine.

All hail King Jamie, Splatalot's got a new king in town.

It's not your job to cheer him on.

Gildar should worry about his own job. Well done, Jamie.

Does he know there isn't a princess?

-I feel sorry for Kristine.

-Do I have to?

-Yes.

-OK. Sorry, Kristine.

But in a way we're all winners. We've seen fantastic attacking...

Brilliant defending...

And on top of that, we've seen some amazing splat.

Here's splat of the day.

As usual, there were so many to choose from.

Each attacker splatted valiantly, but in the end there can only be one.

And that one was Derek with this beauty in the first round.

Oof! Once again the impossible incline delivered.

Derek lost his footing and then he almost lost his head.

From any angle, it had to be our splat of the day.

-I'm all right.

-You're better than all right, Derek.

You're distinctly above average.

Let's remind ourselves how Jamie made it to the Splatalot crown.

I'm going to save the princess and look good doing it!

He was full of energy in round one... I take it all back.

However he recovered with perfect scores in the stockade.

He then leapt into the lead in round three,

and despite not saving the princess,

King Jamie is now on another level.

I've always wanted to be saved.

I don't think you're what Jamie had in mind.

-Bye for now!

-APPLAUSE

I saved the princess and looked good doing it!

-No-one's told him yet, have they?

-No.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd