Episode 7 Splatalot

-It's splat time!

-Splatalot invites 12 courageous and canny attackers

to do battle with the castle defenders

as they strive to capture the treasured Splatalot crown.

I got a wicked wedgie right now. Let's go!

Will the defenders keep the attackers at bay and preserve

the kingdom of Splatalot, or will the attackers emerge victorious?

Who will tumble? Who will tilt? Who will teeter? And who will go splat?

-We're Dick and Dom and welcome to...

-Splatalot!

-Bless you.

-No, Splatalot, our show where we do a lot of splatting.

The medieval game show that invites 12 brave warriors to battle it out

over three rounds until we are left with a champion

-to claim the Splatalot Crown.

-Yes, that one.

-I'm excited and raring to go.

-We'd better get on with it, then.

In round one, the 12 attackers get tested by the monstrous moat.

The fastest six will try to escape the slippery stockade.

Only four will attempt to storm the castle

and capture the Splatalot Crown.

Let's take a closer look at the first round - The Moat Challenge.

We start with the Baffling Barrels - no barrel of laughs!

Then it's up the slippery slope and across the terrifying Rolling Mace.

The Beastly Battle-Axes are next and then the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

Finally, the Perilous Pole Vault.

Battlement, terror, beastliness, disaster and peril.

-A perfectly normal day in Splatalot.

-Bring it on, I say.

-There's only one more ingredient to add to the mix.

-Coriander?

-No, the defenders!

-Oh, yes.

Watch out. I'm lurking in the shadows.

Shaiden, she's shady.

Have lots of fear, Skabb is here!

Skabb, he's scabby.

And here's the lovely Ballista. She's my favourite.

-Dom, is she looking over at me?

-Oh, please!

And here are the defenders, posing naturally for the camera.

About as natural as toffee flavoured crisps.

Let's get this party started.

I don't think she heard you.

Let's go Dragons!

That's better! First off is Adriana who likes dragons.

It looks like her round will drag on

and on and on and on. It's a dragon thing.

-Hi, Adriana!

-Skabb's in a good mood. Bad Skabb!

Oh, sausages! He's in a better mood now.

Adriana, falling like a lost and frightened kitten.

-Save the kitten.

-There is no kitten!

-I think she's scared, Ballista.

-I think she's terrified.

-They're talking about the kitten.

-There is no kitten!

This course is no place for cute, fluffy animals. Wivle-poops!

Especially with Adriana falling everywhere.

This course is slaying her. I'll draw it for you.

That's very good, actually.

She's made it to the battle-axes, look.

-Say hello to the huntress!

-Dick, Ballista's saying hello.

Oh, a direct splat! You've missed your chance.

-I'm playing it cool.

-Whatever!

Adriana has made it to the pole despite Ballista's efforts.

She's come undone and into the marmalade!

She makes it in 4:59. Nicholas is next.

I wanna Splatalot!

You've come to the right place. That's pretty much all we do.

Here he goes... and right in the spikes!

This has everything.

He avoids the paint balls but the cones do their job.

Nick's in the moat but he's fine.

Hi, Attacker!

-Hi, Ballista.

-She's not talking to you, you steamed pudding!

Ooh!

Oh, I say!

Oi, shut up! She's mine.

Right, that's better.

-Poor Nicholas is struggling.

-And he goes down into the jam.

That was quite a splat but Nicholas will survive.

These are tough competitors.

Nicholas finishes with a time of 7:00... silly dance.

I love sugar!

This could be hyper.

The defenders don't need any more hyping up. (SCREAM) Oh, screamer!

SCREAMING

-Has she stopped?

-What?!

Oh, yes, she has, the little moo-moo.

Just get the Attacker, Skabb!

-Oh, no, she hasn't.

-Good work, Ballista!

-Stop screaming, please.

-Mouzhan, stop screaming!

When she stops screaming, she starts succeeding.

The defenders are at it now. Put the ear-muffs back on!

4:52. Not bad.

-What?!

-Not bad!

-What?!

-Not bad!

I got a wicked wedgie right now. Let's go!

-Well, this one's full of beans!

-Oh, I hope not.

It's a good start.

My name is Shaiden and you don't want to mess with me.

He's not messing at all.

Oh, he practically dances over the Mace!

Will he succeed? Yes!

Surely the battle-axes will slow him down.

He's stalling on the second.

Trevon, check your spark plugs, don't flood the engine and...

..yes, he's ticking over again.

-Ballista, you can stop him!

-He's doing so well!

Oh, what a shame. He opens his mouth and it all goes wrong.

Sounds like you.

-That's how we do it!

-1:45. The fastest round today.

I hope he doesn't win. We'll have to see more of that!

Here's Shae.

I am medieval!

-Well, Skabb and Shaiden are maxi-evil.

-That was almost funny.

-Splumunger!

-Keep them coming, Skabb!

Check out this laser-like precision from Shaiden.

Ooh! Splatalot!

She's more precisier than my English teacher was, innit!

-Toom-quat-sploosh!

-That's knocked her off balance.

-Falling like a frightened puppy.

-Save the puppy!

-Stop mentioning fluffy animals!

-Shae looking like a natural.

A natural disaster. That was one huge splat.

-So there's definitely no puppy?

-No, there isn't.

Hold on. Here's your missus.

-Let's play a game called Who Can Get The Most Wet?

-Why not?

She's talking to Shae who obliges by jumping into the moat.

Bit of a floppy time there.

She's not happy but she is flappy and clappy.

I'm aerodynamic!

Alexander certainly attempting a clean take-off.

But it's a crash landing. They give it all that "I'm aerodynamic" stuff.

This is Ballista's game and I'm going to put you to shame.

-That wasn't very nice from your missus.

-She's not my missus!

Oh, cruncher!

That was awkward but he got away with it.

As pilots say, any landing is a good landing.

He still makes in 3:06.

But he's crumpled and pumpled with that dance.

At the halfway stage, Trevon leads with 1:45

and Shae's 10:21 is the time to beat.

-Do you think Ballista fancies me?

-She's a potty-mouthed evil villain

who hangs around with Skabb and Thorne.

What could she have in common with you?

I had a potty, I've got a scab on my big toe

and I hang around with you, the biggest loser I know!

Fair enough. Coming up, six new attackers

attempt to make their mark on this unforgiving course.

So, it's maths time, viewer. Twelve minus six.

That's what we'll be left with after round one.

Can't be done. My fingers don't go up to twelve.

Only the six fastest will make it through to round two

and the chance of capturing the Crown of Splatalot.

Which they can wear as a hat a lot.

Let's remind ourselves of what The Moat Challenge is all about.

The first six completed the course with some impressive times.

And some amazing splats!

Trevon looks safe with 1:45, but Shae's got the time to beat - 10:21.

Let's pump it up for the rest of round one.

-Let me hear you say, "Yeah".

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Let's challenge Anneke.

-I'm 97% rubber!

-SCREAMS

-So what's the other 3%?

-Your maths has improved!

-Slippy, is it?

-C'mon, Anneke, stop being a little princess!

-The princess and the pea shooter.

-It's a splatzooka!

She doesn't know which way to fall. Oh, yes, she does. Down!

And another top splat. Look at that.

Hey, Anneke!

-SCREAMS

-Do we need ear defenders again?

That incline takes another prisoner. Good job she's 97% rubber.

And a capilau rice pudding!

-I'm OK.

-No, you're not!

That water cannon is working overtime today. Ballista's happy.

Shall we rename the show Screamalot? 5:36 - that could be good enough.

I lost 19 pounds with Splatalot!

Ajay thinks Splatalot is a diet plan.

He's also into environmental issues.

I've got a visual gag for this.

"No dumping", because he's into the environment.

Let's have a drum roll for the mace roll.

Very percussive!

Nice solo there from Ajay. End the gag on a cymbal crash!

Ajay, I thought you said you were the best.

-Ajay talks the talk...

-But he splats the splat.

The defenders are getting smirky.

Ajay's done his best but that time isn't good enough.

Next up, brimful of Asha.

I'm gonna rock this castle!

Confident already. Oh, a pummelling!

-I think the castle rocked Asha.

-That's quite a Kasplat!

I really like the colour of your helmet.

-It's very nice.

-You like pink?

-No!

-Skabb revealing his sensitive side for a second.

-And Asha exposing hers!

-Get ready to get wet!

-Yes, she's ready.

Faster!

-You almost hit me!

-Sorry, it's Skabb!

The squabbling defenders allow an Attacker an easy ride.

That puts goggle eyes on the top six.

I am not a cracker!

-Hello, Graham. I'm Shaiden.

-And I'm Skabb.

And we're your worst nightmare.

Graham shrugs off the pleasantries and the paint balls.

Because he is Captain Cracker.

Is he a bird? Is he a plane? Is he a cracker? Is he going to stay dry?

-Sploosh! That's a no to all of the above.

-Captain, you crack me up.

He's made it to the Perilous Pole Vault.

But his super powers desert him.

How balletic! That must be The Nut Cracker.

You're Desmond Tutu much!

Graham cracks open the competition with a time of 2:43. Stop now.

-I'm gonna Splatalot!

-That's the point, Hannah.

Hannah, I hope you like slime.

-Hannah, meet Skabb.

-Is it the best time for introductions?

I think she's about to be introduced to the moat. Yes!

Hannah thinks she's in one of those log-rolling tournaments.

She makes it look so easy. Like falling off a log! Sorry.

Hannah has made it over the finishing line

in a time of 4:39, which should be good enough.

I'm gonna take over this territory!

OK, Brad, take over the territory. In your own time.

Territorial Brad is taking over and... Crumble-whacker!

Forget the taking over, how about some falling over? Ouch!

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

C'mon, Brad, we're waiting.

-Splatalot, not Slowalot!

-Skabb there, trying to be funny.

But he's not.

Brad now speeding up... Ripper!

-Look at that fancy footwork! Which reminds me...

-Not funny any more.

Come on, Braders, take over your territory. It's crunch time.

-No, it's Ballista time.

-You haven't met the huntress yet!

She makes my legs turn to jelly.

Look what she's done to Bradley's legs. Told you it was crunch time!

Ripper!

Bradley, is that all you've got?

I've been waiting for the past 20 minutes.

Come on, show her...

-..what you're made of.

-I knew Brad wasn't right for Ballista.

That time isn't right for the second round either.

Here are the six fastest.

-They'll be going through to the stockade.

-Well played.

-This round really favours the defenders.

-How do you mean?

The attackers will be stuck in a hole with the defenders at the top.

-Where's the gag?

-There isn't one.

The next round will be no laughing matter.

While those nasty defenders reload and prepare to launch

another splat attack in round two, Dick would like to demonstrate

his strategy for conquering the next round without getting wet.

Mr McCourt.

Get off you stupid... No more. I'm out of here. Arrgh!

Let's remind ourselves who cleared the course in the fastest time.

Trevon, Captain Cracker, Alexander, Asha, Hannah

-and screaming queen Mouzhan.

-S Club 7.

Trevon was fastest in round one, but that counts for nothing.

Everyone starts from scratch in the stockade.

Let's see what awaits our brave attackers.

On opposite side of the stockade are ladders and rungs.

attackers need to make it over the Wheel of Certain Doom.

They grab a flag, climb a ladder and escape.

But they've also got these filth buckets to contend with.

-Which filth buckets?

-These ones.

-The threatening Thorne.

-Oi, it's rude to point!

The god master, Gildar. And Kookaburra.

You don't stand a chance!

-Maybe they do.

-Some of them do really well.

Great, that's the spirit!

-Ladies and gentlemen, ha-ha-ha!

-Kookaburra's foaming at the mouth.

Here's how they line up - Asha in the pink, Mouzhan in the red,

Graham's in the, oh, the foam, Trevon's unrecognisable,

Hannah's in the purple for now and Alex is in a yellow, foamy mess.

They must remain strapped to the wheel until hey hear the klaxon.

-KLAXON

-And we're off!

The attackers make a break for their rungs.

Trevon is back on the wheel with a rung.

The annihilating arm does some annihilating.

And some more. Nasty arm!

It's like a big, slippery, foamy cake.

Meanwhile, Graham has begun building.

All the attackers in the house say, "Yeah".

Any response from the attackers?

Yes, that's Trevon again.

All the attackers in the house go, "Splat".

Graham shows how it should be done.

In case you missed it, Thorne has a direct hit.

Trevon again. What a start he's had. What a splat!

-Oh, duck, Alex!

-Gildar makes his mark with the slime stick!

I detect some sass. I don't like sass.

It is my quest to rid the world of sassiness.

Sounds like Gildar's on a mission.

Here are some rung stats. Mouzhan has her fifth rung,

Alex has two and Asha has two.

Here comes Graham with... Oh, a face full of slime!

Gildar wants a sassiness free world

and start by wiping the smile off the face of Captain Cracker.

Mouzhan, duck, duck... oh!

-Hello!

-Goodbye.

And Graham is the first to grab a flag.

He's off towards his ladder.

Trevon has been picked on all round but he has the second flag.

Graham's won. He's through!

Look out, Trevon's still on a collision course.

This time, Mouzhan is on the receiving end.

Well, sassy Trevon has recovered and is climbing but Gildar awaits.

Oh, not again! Duck! Will you just duck?!

Trevon is through and he turns the sass up to 11!

Oh, I give up! It's not like I haven't warned her.

Ooh!

-This one's been giving me sass.

-Not more sass!

Gildar's laying down the law today. If you sass he will slime.

Is there any more sass? Are we done with the sass?

Does anyone have any more sass?

-Sass, sass, sass, sass...

-BOTH: Sassy!

I have my bucket!

-Alex had that coming.

-Alex sass-ked for it. Sorry.

Asha's still building and so is Hannah.

In fact, it's all a bit too relaxed.

Oh, I don't believe it! All they have to do is...

-Ouch!

-You were becoming hysterical.

It's time for a shower down!

A wake up call there from Thorne and Alex is singing in the shower.

-# A-a-a-a-a-a-ah. #

-CLAPPING

Tell me there's no encore.

That's better from Alex. I'm going to lose it again!

-Easy! He's the one being splurged.

-You're right. Sorry, Alex.

They're learning now, keeping their heads down.

-And getting nowhere. Brilliant!

-You're out of control!

One of the attackers needs to make a move. It's Alex.

Oh, there's Asha making the wrong move!

Alex has finished!

Hannah has got the final flag but it looks like she's stuck.

She descends the wheel too fast and gets a splat.

But she's going to make it through to the final!

The winners are Graham, Trevon, Hannah and Alex.

Asha and Mouzhan leave Splatalot after visiting the gift shop.

Remember, no-one's won anything yet.

The four will be moving on to the final fearsome challenge.

Which means it's crown capturing time.

Yes, one of them will be crowned, but all will be toppled, slimed

and, above all, splatted.

It's splat time!

Let's take a moment to celebrate some classic splats.

Yes!

Arrgh!

Ha-ha!

-Yes!

-That's why we call it Splatalot.

Yes, this is it. We're approaching the final assault

where the bravest and most skilful of attackers can come a cropper.

Dick likes to add to the sense of occasion by doing this.

So, who will win? Graham, Trevon, Alexander or Hannah?

They've all done really well. Him, him, him, her, her, him...

One of them, definitely.

They've got crocodile heads, war paint and weapons.

Let's check out the course. First, a pole drop into the funky foam.

Then the terrible teeter-totters and the barrier of all barriers.

Then it's across the lily pads and up the water

to claim the Splatalot Crown.

And now Skabb will start the proceedings.

-Everywhere we go!

-MUMBLED: Everywhere we go.

-People want to know!

-ALL: People want to know!

-Who we are!

-ALL: Who we are.

-And what do we do here.

-What do we do here?

You think the defenders can still win?

Well, that could have gone better.

That dirge can only have helped the attackers who are looking focused.

KLAXON

They're straight into the foam, followed by a face full of slime.

And Thorne misses Graham completely with his bucket.

-Trevon makes an early break.

-He nearly receives and early break!

You picked the wrong day to mess with the defenders of Splatalot.

They should have come yesterday.

The defenders were doing the weekly shop.

Trevon again in trouble from Ballista and Kookaburra

who is out of control with a vaporiser.

Hang on, Gildar's coming to help.

And Kookaburra's found the "On" button again.

Alex finds the "falling off" button!

Hannah now teetering and taking a splat for her troubles.

These teeters are terrible, aren't they?

Can Graham do any better?

-Get the sassy guy!

-Gildar's resorted to shouting.

Has Graham learnt anything? Erm, no.

He's learnt how to fall off and get a wetting.

Battle-weary Trevon is leaping into the lead here.

Alex is tottering on the teeter.

Looks like Graham taught him everything he knows.

Maybe Hannah can show the boys how it's done. Or not!

And Shaiden adds to Graham's woes by sliming him.

You're scared of me 'cos I'm Skabb!

I don't think Skabb needs to explain that he's scary.

Or how accurate he is. Dom, duck!

Where?

After all that nonsense in round two, you didn't even duck.

Back to the contest and Graham, Alex and Hannah are teetering.

Trevon is almost at the waterfall but he's doing it the hard way.

Hannah's drunk most of the water in the arena.

This could be it. Trevon makes his way up the wall.

It doesn't look like anyone's going to stop him.

The crown so close, but this is unbelievable!

-Trevon stops to hand out some more sass.

-Did you just sass me?!

Trevon has done it. He's the new king of Splatalot.

He's still sassing.

You can't stop me!

I think Gildar needs to talk to someone.

I'm not sure Skabb's the best person.

All hail, His Sassness!

-Today's final will forever be known as...

-The Kookaburra final.

When he lost control of that canon, I thought he was a goner.

-The sass final.

-I don't know what sass means.

-Neither do I.

-Think of something clever to say, then.

Watch this.

So, from Sass of the Day to Splat of the Day.

It'll have to do.

The Splat of the Day goes to Alex

who was upended by the annihilating arm.

The arm wasn't damaged in any way.

OK, let's remind ourselves how sass master Trevon

modestly made his way to securing the Splatalot Crown.

He had a faltering start in round one.

He made a few enemies in round two.

But it didn't stop His Sassiness from claiming the crown.

That's all for this show. We'll have more splats next time.

Here's King Trevon, ruler of Splatalot.

I'm the king of the castle! Yeah!

Oi, Trevon, you're only renting it!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]