Episode 8 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot!

Where a dozen young warriors, brave and true, go head to head

with those dastardly defiant defenders

as they strive to capture the much treasured, Splatalot crown.

CLANK!

Will the defenders preserve their kingdom

or will the attackers take over the castle and reign victorious?

-I see a smile, Master Skabb.

-Arr!

So, who will tumble, who will tilt,

-who will teeter and who will go...

-SPLAT?!

OOMPH!

-Hello!

-We are your hosts,

Dick and Dom and we'd like to transport you

to a mystical medieval place where anything can happen.

Yes, welcome to Splatalot!

We begin with 12 attackers, they will compete in our moat challenge

but only the six fastest will make it through the first round.

Those six will then go head-to-head in the Stockade

but only four will escape.

They will go on to compete in the grand final

and one of them will succeed in capturing the crown.

Now, the attackers aren't the only stars of the show.

Yes, but let's not talk about ourselves?

I'm not. I'm talking about the splats!

So, I've decided that we need to measure them with this.

-It's a splat-o-meter.

-I like it!

-Hands off! It's mine.

Here's Round One in more detail.

Welcome to the Splatalot moat!

Expect splatting on the baffling barrels!

Then it's up the slope and across the rolling mace.

The splatzooka will be firing at all times!

The impossible incline is next, so, expect more splats,

-before the beastly battle-axes do their worst!

-They're nasty!

Overlooking the battle-axes is the water cannon,

which will also be taking aim across the bridge of disaster.

The perilous pole vault

stands between the attackers and the finish.

Also standing between them are today's defenders.

Remember, we don't feed them on a tournament day!

In Round One, we've nabbed Skabb.

Have lots of fear! Skabb is here!

Next, is the ever so naughty but never nice, Knightriss.

Finally, here's Ballista with some words of encouragement.

-You don't stand a chance against us!

-Against us!

-Yeah!

Don't you love Skabb? Here's our first attacker, Ellie.

I've finished elementary school!

Whoo!

How about a new education, my dear?

Straight in with an evil put-down. Oh, bat up, Your Knightriss!

-The put-down leads to a fall down.

-Quite an education for any attacker.

I'm sure she's a quick learner though.

-Well, she's taking her time now.

-Skabb is nice.

-I'll let you get to the top.

-But he hasn't!

-Skabb always lies.

-Impress me, Master Skabb.

Whilst the defenders chat, Ellie gets on with it. Ooh! Fatty tongue!

If getting on means falling off,

she's definitely getting on with it.

The first impossible incline of the day...

Beefy ban-obo!

-Oop, too far!

-Even Skabb grasps what went wrong there.

If you're too fast then you won't last.

Don't write her off, this looks much better on the battle-axes. Oop!

-Take that back. It doesn't.

-What do you call that?

A costume malfunction?

Oh, ho-ho! Her shoe! You lost your shoe!

Amongst her warrior skills, should she include stating the obvious?

-Don't be cheeky.

-Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, she's sort of smelly!

That rhyme is a little bit witty too.

Oh, and that moat's a bit pongy as well.

Gets into your pits and everywhere! Look!

May be the stench of defeat. I doubt her time of ten minutes will cut it.

Maybe we'll see you later, Ellie.

Here's our next attacker, Amy.

I'm cold!

Well, you're wet now too.

Here she goes...oh, Abergavenny!

I think you can tell early on if someone's going to do well.

-I take it you mean Amy's in trouble then?

-Bye, Amy!

Where are you, my dear? We're waiting!

That doesn't sound good. We'll check back on Amy later

because our next attacker is about to start.

Here is Sam!

Oly, oly, oxen free!

-He's at the mace roll.

-Just think about running!

That's funny, Skabb telling someone what to think.

It's worked, he's over the mace, over the incline...

-Oh, peshwari naan jalfrezi!

-Here it is again.

Peshwari naan jalfrezi!

Here he is, back on the battle-axes.

-BANG!

-Oh!

This one's getting away! Quickly, quickly.

You got by my friends but you're not getting by me!

Well, plenty of chatting but not much splashing for the defenders

-and Sam's now on the pole vault!

-WHACK!

You can always rely on this course to slow the attackers down.

But Sam's time is excellent

and we were wrong to write off Amy.

With some lightning times to beat, here's our next attacker, Emily.

A bass player sweat on me!

-Lovely. I think it's just water though, Emily.

-Hope so.

I'll show you what I have,

-a weapon of mass-splataction!

-Ah!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Is Knightriss laughing with him or at him?

-Emily's not laughing...

His humour might be off target but his aim is true.

-Will that put Emily off?

-Don't be scared.

-Be extremely terrified!

-Boom!

-BANG!

She's brave taking on the defenders but it usually ends in tears.

As you always say, don't talk back or you'll go Norris.

I never said Norris.

Emily like all the rest, struggling on the incline. Oop!

First she lands on her knees, then she lands...

in the muck-splat. Textbook.

Will it be a textbook round for our next attacker, Caitlin?

I love tacos!

Does she love rolling maces though?

The answer is YES! Brilliant! How did she manage to hold on?

-There's a rope. She used the rope.

-I don't mean literally.

Caitlin now on the incline and she's literally in the water!

-Look, she surfed down.

-Yes, it's literally like there's a surf...

Will you stop messing with the graphics?!

-Now, can Caitlin get back on course?

-Oop, that's a big fat resounding no!

One, two, three, four, five separate splats on the way down there.

You know what that means? Our first splatastic on the splat-o-meter.

Ahhh!

That's a pretty splatastic time from Caitlin.

Although Emily might be in the danger zone.

Here's attacker number six, Kyle.

Narwhals!

-Narwhal?

-Yes, narwhal, it's a whale.

OK, here's your chance. Draw a narwhal.

There's tusks, flippers...a narwhal.

That was actually quite good.

Are you scared of me? I'm scared of me when I look in the mirror.

-BANG!

-Oh, lovely shot!

And a replay. Dundee! Skabb, scary and skilful with his splatzooka.

Kyle's doing well on the mace. He's the first to survive the incline.

Release her! This one's quick!

Come on, Kyle, show me how quick you are!

That's how quick. Kyle makes it over the battle-axes.

Is this going to be a splat-free round?

He's only got the pole vault to go!

Oh...kee-nuch!

Kyle was in danger of making this round look too easy.

It's still the fastest time so far, 2:10!

Yes, I made it!

We'll be seeing you later.

See if you're worthy of the crown!

Kyle's got the defenders worried.

So, half way through.

Here are the times.

The top three finished

in under three minutes.

Ellie's ten minutes

is looking far from safe.

Ellie, it hurts to say it but you are in the danger zone.

But nothing's guaranteed.

Even Kyle isn't safe yet because we still have six more attackers to go.

It's unlikely but if they all finish in under two minutes, he's out.

I think the defenders will have something to say about that.

I'm here to blast you! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You can always rely on Skabb to get to the point.

Splat. Splatastic. Splaterrific. Spla...

-Were you just playing with my splat-o-meter?

-Of course not, No!

I was just doing a round-up of the show, while you went to the loo!

-Good, well, pop on your hat and do some splat stats.

-Of course.

Twelve attackers began the tournament.

This is where it gets tasty because only the fastest six will survive.

So, from now on, attackers will start to get eliminated.

The defenders are still in play.

It's their mission to protect the Splatalot kingdom.

The harder they defend, the higher the splat count.

-You have been playing with it!

-Here's the leaderboard as it stands.

Our first six attackers

have done all that they can.

Kyle's in the driving seat

and Ellie's hanging on.

But don't think for one minute

the defenders will make it easy.

Let's get started!

I hate yogurt!

And now, I would imagine, she hates barrels.

It was only barrel number two, she might have nothing against the rest.

-Where are you, my dear?

-Arrgh! I like the name Sydney!

-Boom!

-I also like the name, Splat!

Yeah, but that's coming from someone named Skabb.

She survived Skabb's name-calling but how will Sydney do on the mace?

Oh, gastro-combustulate!

She's gone down under. Sydney, down under. You know...

Repeating it doesn't make it funny.

Kyle proved the impossible isn't impossible,

but that doesn't help Sydney!

We'll have to call it the improbable incline.

The not impossible but very hard incline?

You know, you're impossible sometimes!

Can Sydney survive Ballista's water cannon attack?

She's just about drunk half of it! It's an interesting tactic.

But it's the same old disappointing result.

She won't thank Ballista for that!

-You're welcome!

-No. I said she won't thank you for that.

But we can thank Sydney for finishing in 6:44.

It's good enough - for now.

This is going to be crazy!

Do you think this is going to be crazy?

Oop, well, it's a crazy start.

Jackie launched herself into those barrels.

It wasn't a sensible move.

This isn't sensible either, she can't afford to waste time.

I hate girlie screams. They make me feel dizzy.

What does Skabb mean? I wouldn't call Jackie a screamer.

I wouldn't disagree with Skabb.

She's a girlie screamer, who's not getting far up this slope!

-Onto the mace. Will she do any better?

-The short answer is no.

The long answer - check Skabb's splatzooka skills.

He hits Jackie after she's fallen. KNIGHTRISS LAUGHS

Jackie needs to cross the battle-axes in one attempt.

-Ready or not, here you fall!

-Ballista now joining in on the fun.

Bewattle jackanapes! She's back in the splurge!

That was never going to work. Like Ellie, she loses a shoe.

What a pair!

It'll take more than that to keep me down!

Jackie's a true fighter but the new time to beat is 6:44

and that's just beaten her. It's boo-boo, Jackie.

And hoo-hoo, Steven.

I like turtles!

He seems to like the barrels.

D'oh, so close!

-Hey, Steven! Hi!

-BANG!

Are you scared, Steven? Ha-ha! I'm here to blast you!

BANG!

-Skabb's really up for it today! Khyber-goo!

-Khyber-goo indeed.

He's proving to be splat-on with that splatzooka.

With Skabb in this mood, who'd want to be an attacker today?

Jamie, that's who.

Boo-yah-sha-kah!

-Fall off now!

-BANG!

Oh, that's another direct hit from Skabb. He's on target.

-Jamie's on target for the moat! Bless his cotton's.

-Down he goes!

I put extra ice in the water this morning for you, Jamie.

Maybe Skabb should stick to firing his splatzooka.

Ballista with the water cannon, but Jamie's crossed the bridge.

Even this far away, Skabb isn't giving up.

He's got Jamie yet again!

# Boom, boom, boom, boom-boom! #

Got him!

-Whoo-hoo!

-The defenders have upped their game.

Perfect ten for Ballista!

Even so, Jamie gets home in 2:57.

And even Steven finishes in a good time.

To the moon!

Easy for you to say, Deken.

Deken makes the barrels look easy, this could be good!

-BANG!

-I'm Skabb! Ha-ha!

Skabb still hitting every attacker on the course!

-But Deken has now made it over the mace!

-The incline will get him, oh!

-Oh, yeah?

-He's now hopping over the battle-axes too!

-Like a kanga-ranga-wanga!

-Hey, I do the graphics! Not bad though.

Can he clear the moat?

Incredible, he can!

That means we have a splat-free round from Deken.

-The first of the day!

-We'll get you next round!

That's why they're in a mood.

-Deken finishes in 43 seconds!

-Crusting-tacious!

-How do you follow that?

-With our final attacker, Kirsten, I suppose.

Ready or not...here I come!

Kirsten can solve a Rubik's Cube in under a minute.

She's not too good with round, cylindrical objects, is she?

So, she can do a cube in the time it took Deken to finish the course.

Now there's the time to beat of 3:27 to qualify.

So she's already struggling!

Oooh, mongoose-goose! Still, as splats go, it was a good one.

Now, the impossible incline may be slightly less impossible-er

than we thought,

but it's still the obstacle that catches most of the attackers out.

And gets the highest number of splats on the splat-o-gram.

Splat-o-meter!

The splat-o-meter has been working overtime,

thanks to that little slope, wouldn't you agree?

-Yes, Dom. I'm inclined to agree with you!

-Is that supposed to be funny?

I'm inclined to think it is.

-I'm inclined to think you're going a bit nuts.

-I'm just inclined.

So, the fastest attackers are...

Deken, Kyle, Amy, Sam, Jamie

and Steven.

Westlife.

They'll be battling it out in the Stockade, which looks like this...

SPLAT!

This round's for you, buddy!

Yes, it's going to get very, very splatty!

CLANK!

-Dom?

-Yes?

You know how sometimes the Splatalot rules can be a bit hard to grasp?

-Yes.

-And well, you really know your stuff.

-Yes.

-I was wondering if you could clear something up for me?

-What?

SPLAT!

That pie in your face! Ha! It's time for the Stockade.

Six will enter but only four will leave. Here are those six.

Deken, Kyle, Amy, Sam, Jamie

and Steven,

who posted the fastest times

in Splatalot history.

-Although this is only the first series.

-Still counts.

Do you think Splatalot will still be around in 100 years' time?

-Oh, yes! Although by then it will be in 4D and set in space!

-What's 4D?

-Well, better than 3D, innit?

-Is it?

Right, back to planet Earth.

The Stockade - the attackers are strapped to the wheel!

Dizzy, they stumble to the ladder rungs, which help build the ladder

but the rungs only fit certain slots.

Ladder built, the attackers can retrieve

one of four flags, strapped to the annihilating arm

and make their way to victory!

-Only four flags, you say?

-Yes.

-That means two attackers won't survive!

-Yes!

-It's almost as if these Splatalot rules have been designed

to make the contest even more...dramatic.

Yes.

To add more tension, here are the Stockade defenders. Shaiden,

the vain Viking, Gildar. Who does he think he is?

-And Kookaburra...

-One flap and you're on your back!

-You'll never get past us. We are fearless!

-Ooh!

Remember, attackers begin strapped to the wheel.

Here's the line up...

Steven is in the orange,

Deken's in the lavender.

He didn't want to be but we put him in his place

after his amazing first round.

Defenders can't wait.

Amy's in the pink,

Kyle in the red,

Sam in the light blue.

Shut your mouth, Sam!

And Jamie,

who knows what colour that is?!

The foam is flowing.

KLAXON BLARES

And they're off.

Shaiden is already on the attack with the slime-stick.

Slime time! Ha-ha!

Well, it looks like foam o'clock to me.

It's slippier than a greasy eel wearing slippers.

I need time to take that all in. Conkers!

Mind your step, attackers.

Kookaburra's throwing arm is spot-on. Dublin!

Amy takes a right splatting. There's no hiding place in the Stockade.

Jamie hanging on to the arm which leaves him going round in circles.

Once more Kookaburra gets a direct hit with a paint grenade.

This time Jamie is the victim and down he slides.

Shaiden prefers a slime-stick and takes out Deken.

Kookaburra's now splatted Steven.

It seems he's more accurate when he's hysterical.

I've only ever seen him hysterical.

If hysterical Kook's not enough, the annihilating arm's kicking in too.

-Arms don't kick.

-Whatever.

Here's some progress from the very foamy Jamie.

-The one's for you, buddy.

-Good show.

Skabb couldn't miss in round one,

now Kookaburra's splatting for fun in round two.

Gildar, you magnificent Viking, you've really done it again.

I wondered when Gildar would chip in.

-I think he feels left out.

-He's foaming spectacularly.

-The splat count is through the roof.

-There is no roof.

You know, as a professional Viking, I feel it's important

to combine my brute strength with my natural charm.

It's something you don't see every day.

Hey, Gildar? Less talking, more splatting, pretty boy.

Priceless. One put down from Shaiden and Gildar shuts up.

He's concentrating on the splat.

He's doing a great job. He's really slowed the attackers down.

I think the defenders are bossing this one.

Careful you don't slip.

Hey, Orange! Or-ange you glad I'm pretty?

I don't get it.

What's worse? Kook telling it, or Gildar not getting it?

-I didn't get it either.

-Urgh.

Whoopsie!

Finally, Steven has got it. He's almost built his ladder.

-Yum.

-Yum. Kook's not holding back today, is he?

Tastes good, doesn't it, mate?

A classic manoeuvre.

The annihilating arm hurdle-splats. Textbook.

OK, brother, you all right?

Steven is the first to make a grab for a flag. And, yes, he gets it.

-Jamie won't be far behind.

-Deken is finishing his ladder too.

FANFARE And Steven's made it.

Hey, up here!

Oh, he's looked up.

That is such a schoolboy-error from Deken.

Does this weapon make my triceps look bigger?

His head's getting bigger,

and even his fellow defenders don't know where to look.

Gildar's antics have given them a chance to progress.

-Jamie's got the second flag.

-And he's the second one through.

And Deken's on his way too. Ooh, er...

On his way into his own ladder. Oop.

And now Kyle grabs the last flag. The round is almost over.

Not before some more splatting. Deken's found this round harder.

-But he's through.

-And so is Kyle.

So that's it. Round Two is complete.

Farewell to Amy and so long to Sam.

Which means Deken, Kyle, Jamie and Steven go through.

-Now that, that, was something else.

-What was?

-Stockade.

-So, what was it then, if it was something else?

Kumquat?

We have our four finalists who are about to compete

for the coveted kumquat...

-Crown!

-Crown, yes.

The final won't have any kumquats

but there'll be thwacks, splashes and splats!

Say, "Agh!"

And of course it will produce a new king of Splatalot.

That last round really was the cat's pyjamas.

-Ha, interesting turn of phrase.

-Oh, yes.

There's a fascinating story behind it. See...

-Sorry, Dom. I need to stop you.

-What is it? Nothing.

I just need to stop you. Remember the final is only seconds away!

You're right. Let's focus on the finalists.

Deken was by far the fastest over the moat

but then Steven was first to capture the flag in Round Two.

-What?

-I'm just thinking about cats in pyjamas!

Right, where were we? Oh, yes.

Back to our final four finalists,

who are Deken, Kyle, Jamie and Steven.

-It's a very strong line-up.

-Absolutely. All six of them.

-There are four attackers.

-I'm talking about the six defenders.

We've got Knightriss, Gildar, Shaiden, Kookaburra and Ballista,

and replacing Skabb is Tinkor.

-That is just...

-Sorry, Dom! I need to stop you

because apparently Skabb has fled the castle in shame.

-Oh.

-The other defenders found his driving licence

and discovered his real name is Alan.

Alan the Barbarian? Not really as scary as Skabb, is it?

And certainly not as scary as the final course.

The attackers slide down the poles into the foam pit.

Next come the terrible teeters followed by the barrier,

then the bouncy buoys.

The cannons will fire on all cylinders to slow down

any attempt at the water wall, the last barrier before the crown.

DEFENDERS SHOUT: Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan...!

-Oh, dear.

-The defenders are rubbing it in. Poor Alan...I mean Skabb!

From left to right,

Deken, Kyle, Steven and Jamie.

And they're off down the poles! And the slime buckets await.

So do the Teeters. Always tricky.

Slime time, buddy!

Do you think he just eats sugar all day?

-Let's see some tottering.

-Yes, Deken is creaking.

Like that gag, he disappears without trace.

-And so does Steven, who's leaving.

-Here, I do the bad gags.

Sorry.

It seems as if it's a little bit chilly! Ha-ha-ha!

He means the temperature of Ballista's water cannon.

-But her aim is red hot!

-I'm lukewarm about that comment.

Water cannon or not,

the attackers are struggling to cross the teeters.

It's a teeter-fest!

Splooshy! Splatty!

This is more promising, Deken is making a move.

But it's not a good move and that starts a domino effect.

Down goes Jamie and then Kyle.

-Deken takes a splashing but shrugs it off.

-This guy?

And Deken is up and then down!

Did he just get me wet? You got my hair wet.

No-one messes with Gildar's hair

and so Deken retreats back to the teeters.

-Ooh, Mandy Dingle!

-Maybe Steven will make it

despite Shaiden's attempts.

Steven hops onto the Barrier.

This one's for me...

And this one's for all of you watching at home.

The sound of a nation blowing chunks.

Tinkor now wading in, proving he's not just making up the numbers.

Ooh, Ostend!

How about a little showering off, my dear?

No point showering if Tinkor's still splashing.

Jamie about to go sploot!

Say, "Agh!"

Pinpoint lunacy from Kookaburra yet again.

-Deken still creaking.

-Still not funny.

And Steven still leaving the rest behind.

Jamie and Kyle still falling and still splatting. Muffin!

Croissant!

-Steven now about to make his move.

-I think Tinkor's made it for him.

But he's over! Just the water wall to go.

He's almost sprinting up there.

No-one can touch him now and, yes, Steven takes the crown

and becomes the new King of Splatalot!

Bad luck, defenders, and all hail, King Steven!

Yes!

Ah, what a worthy champion. Steven was way ahead of the competition.

Yes, but spare a thought for the defenders.

They put their heart and soul into it.

Kookaburra was great in the Stockade

and Skabb was amazing in Round One.

Skabb? Don't you mean Alan?

Look, how would you like it if I told the whole world

your real name was Gloria?

Here's Splat Of The Day.

-That was our secret!

-I'm sure only the whole nation heard.

Remember when Jacqueline attempted the splits

-on the battle-axes?

-Oh, never advisable.

Splits led to splats.

And a splat-o-meter reading of splatastrophic!

Is that the highest setting?

Unofficially, it can go up to Splatasmagorical.

-You didn't hear that from me.

-Yes, I did. Just then.

-Shut up!

Here's how Steven got crowned. He didn't master the Maze.

And he got splatted in the Stockade.

But he dug deep and emerged victorious.

Then, in the final round, he led all the way, which means he can say...

I'm the king of the castle!

-Will you stop it with those rhymes?

-It isn't a crime!

SLAP! Argh!

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