Episode 9 Splatalot

-Welcome to Splatalot!

-Where a dozen dashing, death-defying attackers

go head to head with those dastardly, diabolical defenders,

as they strive to capture the much treasured crown of Splatalot.

Will the defenders keep the attackers at bay

and save their splatacious kingdom?

Or will the attackers take over the castle and emerge splatorious?

Lots of questions,

but the only thing for certain is that someone will go splaaat.

Hi, we're Dick and Dom and welcome to Splatation!

-I like that.

-I thank you. It means Splatalot.

-Right.

-I am fluent in Splat.

-What?

-Splat.

-Oh.

The national language of Splatalot, yeah? It's very easy to master.

For example, "Hello, isn't it a splatty day today?

"The splat this time of year really is quite squishy."

-You're just making it all up.

-Here are today's three splats.

He means here are today's three rounds.

In round one, our attackers face a host of obstacles in the murky moat.

The fastest six progress to the next round,

where they have to escape the slippery stockade.

But only four will make it to the final, where they'll attempt

to storm the castle and capture the coveted crown of Splatalot.

You see, I, me, Mr Splat, would describe that

as a splatorically splatacious splatfest of splatiocity.

-Well, I was just going to say tricky.

-Right, yeah.

Here's round one in more splatacious detail.

It starts with the barrels,

guaranteed to get us off to a good splat.

Or start, as we say on Earth.

Then it's time to take a long hard splat at the rolling mace,

before getting splatted by the beastly battle-axes.

Let me translate. After the battle-axes,

they must cross the rope bridge of disaster, which is quite difficult.

Boring! Come on, splat it up.

It's a splatacular rope bridge of disaster!

They finish by clearing the moat on the perilous pole vault.

Which is quite splattery when wet.

-OK, OK, so you speak Splat.

-Splat.

There aren't enough words in the Splat language to describe this lot.

The defenders don't have many words to describe themselves either.

Why do you always give them a hard time?

It's a tough job being a defender. They know the odds are against them.

But rain or shine, they're out defending the castle,

slowing the attackers down.

-They're quite nice when you get to know them.

-Splat!

First up today is Gildar

who collects pepper pots.

Crocness, whose celebrity friends include Jedward.

And finally Kookaburra whose ambition is to be

the first villain to appear on Celebrity MasterChef.

Getting through the castle is only half the battle.

And we're the other half. Ha-ha.

That was the worst putdown ever.

-Miss Sandra's got lovely hair.

-No, I take it back, that was.

Here's Sandra, with lovely hair.

OK, let's see if she can do any better.

Kookaburra enjoying things too much.

It's as if you attackers think the crown's in the water.

You love it in there.

-Kookaburra with the last laugh for now.

-But she's back up.

Norwich!

Well, kind of have a castle to defend.

I don't like him, but it's a fair point.

She's a bit chatty, this one.

Oh, now she's a bit splatty.

Classic. Talks the talk, then splats the splat.

Now she's just standing.

Runcorn!

Is that the best tactic, Sandra?

This is a practise session for the defenders.

Down the incline she goes, and woooah, down the incline she goes.

Well, she's trying hard, but so far, nothing's paying off.

Has she got anything left in the tank?

Yeah, you got it.

In the head! Ha!

-This girl needs a break.

-Ooh, snugglewhaps!

She's getting splatted out there.

Oh, this is too painful to watch.

Now the rope bridge is trying out a new... Elephlumpa!

Super slo-mo elephlumpa!

Kookaburra deciding he doesn't even need a cannon.

Hey, so I thought I'd give you some water.

She doesn't look like she needs a drink or a shower or a bath.

But she gets all three at the same time. A drink, a shower and a bath.

Sandra eventually finishes her splat-ridden round.

Time to meet Henok.

Like him already.

-Hand gesture, hand gesture!

-Was that a hand gesture? Woah.

-Two hand gestures.

-The defenders won't stand for that.

And neither will Henok for much longer. Splatangle!

Was it right to take on the defenders like that?

Gildar's on form, splatting anything that moves.

That's pinpoint splatting. Henok has a one-way ticket to moatsville.

Here's our next attacker, Joel.

Don't we start with their battle cry?

You're such a stickler for the rules.

Give me the remote. I want to go back to the start.

-All right, but stop when he falls off anything.

-Yalper, yalper.

-Stop! Again! Thank you.

-Right, this better be worth it.

Oh, happy now? Right, back to the battle-axes.

I think we'll come back to Joel later.

Well, she can certainly get wet.

That's a distinctive marching style.

Quite a distinctive end result, if you consider a splat distinctive.

Will she march across the mace?

It's a slow start, but oh, bellyflapper!

It's called the penguin.

Hey, The March Of The Penguins, get it?

I'll add some penguins so you get it. There you go. Get it now?

Come on, even Kookaburra's got it. You get it?

Queen of the penguins.

-Of course I get it. Promise to stop messing about?

-Yes.

-I didn't get it and you promised.

-More penguins.

I just press this button, look at that.

-Get it?

-Got it.

-Good.

-Enough!

Here's Kaitlyn and Henok at the finishing line,

both with respectable times.

-Jake looks pretty determined.

-Oh, barreldong!

Very. Nothing was going to stop him splatting straight into that barrel.

Even more determined at the bridge now.

Oooh, big phumpf!

You've got to admire determination like that.

He was so focused on taking yet another splat.

Can I determinate you?

OK, so let's try this. I don't say anything positive or encouraging...

..Oh, it worked. Not a bad time, either.

-Positive thinking from now on.

-Good luck with Joel.

Joel is stuck on the battle-axes.

Welcome to Joel watch, where not much is happening.

Oh, yes it is. He's fallen in.

Yes, maybe girl power is the answer.

Only if the question is,

"What power will make Yasmin fall at the first barrel?"

Maybe she's Splatty Spice.

-Yeah.

-Your aim's still a bit off.

I am working on it!

-Now, now. They're bickering again.

-Portsmouth!

Gildar responds the only way he knows how.

Right on the tail.

-But, but...

-Don't be cheeky.

-..but she doesn't have a tail.

-She doesn't have a chance on the axes.

-Super-slo-mo-crumplesplee!

Do you think she'll be our new queen?

# Another one bites the moat. #

Despite Kookaburra's taunting, Yasmin did finish the course.

But she has the time to beat,

and the fastest is Joel, with 2:39.

We're at the halfway mark in round one.

-Why not the halfway Kevin?

-What?

-Who's Mark?

Good point. We're at the halfway Kevin in round one.

-Coming up, six new attackers attempt to make their mark...

-Kevin!

..er, Kevin on this unforgiving course.

So, are you ready for the second half?

I was born ready. The second half of what?

Remember, only the six fastest attackers

will make it through to round two.

It's all about speed.

If you snooze, you lose.

Over there! Good.

Here's a reminder of how our first six did,

and what the next six attackers have to beat.

Lots of bumping... Eeh!...

..falling... Ooh!... ..slipping... Uuh!...

..gesturing and splatting. Ooi!

Just like that.

Here are the basics. This is the Splatalot crown.

These are the defenders.

They're trying to stop the attackers getting it any way they can.

-Ready now?

-I was born...

-OK. Here's Ashley.

Ashley, I couldn't agree more.

Let's see how Gildar deals with her. KLAXON

Ashley, I am Gildar. How do you do?

Apparently she doesn't do so well.

Vicious pleasantries from Gildar, there.

Now he's backing it up with his splatzooka

and Ashley comes face to face with the liquidy brown splat.

I don't fancy her chances on the battle-axes.

-Then let's cut straight to the bridge.

-Very clever.

Here's Crocness, looking meaner and greener.

And Ashley...bongos!

-She doesn't know if she's coming or going.

-No, she's going.

But she does finish with a very presentable 3:40.

Do you think Sofia loves blueberries or hates them?

I've thought about this before. Dollop!

I doubt she's a fan of barrels after that.

-Are you a big barrel fan?

-No opinion on the matter.

Sofia, how you doing there, mate?

Maybe Kookaburra should let Gildar do the shooting AND talking.

It's a great hit and hanging onto the mace won't solve anything.

-Gildar now taking aim.

-Bum, bum, bum, bum!

Excellent, Sofia getting a little cheeky there.

Oh, now what? Oh, hang on, the penguin's back.

Want me to wash that soap off you?

Ooh, if looks could splat. Hang on, where did those lasers come from?

Bring it on, says Sofia. And Gildar does just that!

Sofia loses her footing on the bridge.

-Splat!

-Eh?

-Ha-ha!

-Eh?

She bravely gets up, but that bridge is too slippy. Floppyfeet.

-Let's see if she's learnt anything.

-Cold enough for ya?

Yeah, really?

Sofia getting lippy, so Croc makes it slippy and into the dippy.

Here's Shayne.

Santa would crush him, he's tiny.

-But he has a heart the size of a...

-Barrel?

No, that would be impractical.

There's a first, look, Gildar missing his close up.

Look, all the lovely penguins are back in the water.

Will you stop it with your silly penguins?

Here's our next ferocious attacker, Dylan.

Here he is at the mace.

Certainly, yes, he's moving across. Yes, and he's moving down.

That's what you get with rolling maces.

SLIDING WHISTLE Who woke up the sound department?

Nice save there, Dylan.

Now, get over that, come on. Oh, yes.

I think Crocness has something to say.

-G'day!

-She never shuts up, does she?

Don't worry, that water cannon's doing all the talking.

Just making it slippy enough for Dylan to slide down.

G'day and good night, Dylan.

Not good night, au revoir.

We'll be seeing Dylan and Shayne in the next round.

-Do you think she's a real ninja?

-I think you've got your answer.

However you look at it, it's a splaaat.

You know, I would never wear a mouth guard

because then people couldn't see my impeccable smile.

-I feel a bit sick.

-Doesn't seem to have gone down well with Samantha.

If it's a choice between Gildar's molars

and the Splatalot moat, then the moat wins every time.

Oh, no, Samantha's a squatting target.

-Ooh, that is not on.

-That is Splatalot.

-Good shot, Gildar.

-Thank you, Croc.

-Thank you all at home.

-He's making me mad today.

Calm down. There's another attacker on the course.

-Uh-oh, Taylor's a shouter.

-Plus, he's commentating on himself.

I don't care, he shut Gildar up.

-BALLS WHIZZ

-Ooh, thanks Taylor,

you pretty much said it all yourself.

Although nothing says it better than our super-subtle sound effects.

Let's see how Taylor and Samantha did.

The mini motormouth is through and ninja wannabe Samantha is not.

We've now seen all 12 attackers.

Hang on, but we started with a dozen.

No need to worry. We only need the six fastest, who are...

So sadly Kaitlyn received her marching orders.

-So no more penguins?

-No.

The last thing we want in the next round is a penguin flapping about.

Splatalot's hard enough as it is.

So, who has what it takes to take today's crown?

There can only be one champion.

Which of these attackers will it be?

Quite frankly, we just can't wait to find out,

so what we're going to do now is predict the winner

by drawing their name out of a hat. Dick, the hat.

-DRUMROLL Percy!

-Ha-ha!

So there you have it. Our prediction is that Percy will...

Hang on a minute, there isn't a Percy. Try again.

DRUMROLL

-Percy!

-Ha! Again.

-DRUMROLL

-Percy!

-Right, just forget that, OK? We'll move on.

The next round eliminates two more attackers,

-so we'll be one step closer to knowing the answer.

-Percy!

Welcome to the stockade.

The attackers start bound to the spinning wheel.

They must wait until the klaxon sounds,

and then they can stumble over to the ladder rungs.

But they don't always fit the slots in the ladders,

so it's not as easy as it seems.

They then grab one of four flags, climb their ladder and escape.

But with only four flags, two attackers won't survive.

But on a more positive note, four will survive.

OK. Here's another negative. The defenders.

She hurts like a blister, it's...

He's not on your side, he's in your side...

There's nothing fair about this maiden...

-It's almost poetic.

-Oh, don't be pathetic.

Back to the stockade. The attackers are strapped in.

...in the green,

...in the yellow,

...has gone for orange,

...dressed in pink,

...has gone stripey,

...is feeling blue.

OK, let's start the spin cycle.

Now bring on the foam.

The good thing is this game is self-cleaning.

-And we're off.

-Step one, grab a ladder rung.

Come on, attackers.

Step two, let the annihilating arms do their work. Kerspungle!

Possible splat of the day, there.

That's a slick move from Joel. Nice slide down the wheel and...

-..brackets!

-Yes, he got everything right but the landing.

Witness the wrath of Shaiden.

They can't witness anything, with foam clogging up their goggles.

Hasn't stopped Taylor getting his first ladder rung.

The defenders better keep an eye on him.

He only just made it through round one. Is this a comeback?

Giant Haystacks! Giant Haystacks!

Sorry, Taylor, the curse of the commentator.

That arm's lethal. It's not called the annihilating arm for nothing.

Look, it's a double whang-twacker, straight into the creamy muck-muck.

Thorn with a lethal aim.

-Hey, blue, smile for me.

-And Ballista with the lethal mouth.

Jake finding absolutely nothing to smile about.

Hold on all you like, but it's not going to do you any good.

He's right. If they hang on to the arm, then no-one's going to finish.

Isn't that Joel hanging on? Seems familiar.

Yes, didn't work then, not working now.

Remember, it's not just the arm on the wheel we've got to look out for.

-Bolton!

-Yes, if you don't have eyes in the back of your head,

then you'll get an arm in the back of your head.

I'm waiting, attackers.

She doesn't look like a waiter.

I don't think Joel will be leaving her a tip.

He really didn't enjoy that meal.

So is anyone making any progress here?

Dylan's progressing to the bottom of the wheel.

Thorn has blasted off one of Joel's shoes,

but he's still the first to claim a flag.

I'm not sure about this. I know you want to look your best, mate,

but you do have a contest to win.

He is a long way ahead, and there he goes up the ladder.

-FANFARE

-He's through. What an amazing feat.

-How can you tell? His shoe's back on.

-Shut up.

Look out, Shainen's got her eye on someone. It's Taylor.

Yes, it's a splat attack on Taylor's hat.

Jake making his way up the wheel.

OK, making his way down the wheel.

The top shot reveals what a big hit that was.

Obviously, all the foam underfoot is not helping.

Ashley now at the top of the wheel, and despite Thorn,

she grabs a second flag.

It looks like she'll be joining Joel in the final.

But look, she's barely got the energy to flap her flag.

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Thorn, Thorn is there, that's who.

-Thorn.

-Ha-ha, funny.

That's the perfect response to Thorn's joke

but once more the defenders are bickering.

Five, four, three, two, one!

Oh, but when they work together, they're lethal.

They forced Taylor to look up and whackalack, another top splat.

Yes, but look, it hasn't slowed him down.

He's climbing that ladder to success and is the third attacker through.

And now it gets tense, only one flag remains.

And Jake has it.

He's down the wheel, up the ladder and waving his flag.

Our four finalists are Taylor, Ashley, Jake and Joel.

-Bye-bye Shayne and Dylan.

-And bye-bye stockade.

Who stood out for you in that round?

-Ballista.

-No, out of the attackers.

Yes. Taylor is still good value for money.

He really knows how to take a splat.

Yes, cruel, ha-ha, but funny. So, here they are.

Our four contenders.

They all want that crown.

They certainly do.

But they have to win the final round.

It's got more splats that you can shake a slime-stick at.

-Wow, that last round was really splatterendous.

-Splatterendous?

-Yes, a funny little word that comes from...

-A funny little man.

I think it's time we had some splat stats.

Joel is the star performer so far. He was the fastest in the moat

and also the first to escape the stockade.

But that'll mean nothing if he doesn't capture the crown.

Don't forget the others.

These finalists are about to take on

their most terrifying challenge yet.

It's not just the course they'll be struggling with.

Yes, all six defenders, too.

Not only Crocness, Gildar and Kookaburra,

but Shaiden, Thorn and Ballista too. And they've never looked meaner.

The attackers have never looked keener. Here's how they line up.

They'll cross the teeter-totters,

bounce over the buoys and climb the water wall

in order to claim that all-important Splatalot crown.

-Quack, quack, quack.

-I don't get it.

-Have the defenders gone quackers?

-KLAXON

No, sadly it's just the defenders way of saying "Duck!".

-That really wasn't worth waiting for, was it?

-No, sorry.

Ashley ducks and avoids the slime.

Clever move, but it looks like she might have injured herself.

Sadly Ashley has had to pull out of the contest, how unlucky.

It just shows how demanding this course really is,

and what an achievement it is to win that crown.

Taylor struggling to stay on.

All three attackers are struggling.

The teeters are causing a lot of tottering

which leads to a lot of splatting, right into the goose fat.

But despite Ballista's attention,

Taylor is the first to cross the teeters.

But Crocness and Kookaburra just add to the pressure

and that can only lead to one thing. Kasplatonglefunk!

Oh, so you DO speak splat.

You know, these slime balls are made of Tinkor's boogers.

Do you speak Kookaburra?

Ah yes, he means the slimy balls are actually Tinkor's bogies.

Kookaburra, such a showman.

Hey, can you handle the mighty Gildar?

Gildar's getting in on the act.

Joel providing Gildar with his answer.

-Straight into the decaffeinated splat-water.

-I didn't think so.

-Taylor literally hanging on there.

-You had enough?

Never?

But he's fighting back and giving Thorn something to think about.

Back to the teeters, and Jake and Joel are being picked on by Gildar.

This is too easy for Gildar. Splat's are up, attackers are down.

Can you at least pretend like you want the crown?

-That's harsh.

-What's Joel up to?

I know, look, he thinks he's surfing.

Stop messing about with the graphics machine. It's not a toy!

He's amped, dude, and locked into the barrel on his long board.

This could be mondo, off-the-wall or even narlacious, dude.

Don't talk like that ever again.

Taylor is still under attack, but he's making his move.

Not quite as planned, but he's still out in the lead.

Yes, Jake and Joel are still on the teeters.

Taylor's nearly there.

I don't think the other attackers can make it now.

You're right. Because Taylor has got the crown,

and is the new king of Splatalot.

Maybe someone should tell Jake and Joel.

What a great final. All hail Taylor!

Good job, everybody. Really good job(!)

As ever, the defenders take defeat really badly.

They haven't lost. They stopped 11 attackers from taking the crown.

I look at it this way.

# Go Taylor, in your face loser King Taylor, he's the king now. #

Here's splat of the day.

As always, we've seen some amazing splats.

Every round gave us memorable moments,

but there can only be one splat of the day.

And fittingly, it's from Taylor.

Ooh, one more time.

And again.

Ooh, flack, oof, splat.

-Priceless!

-All right, look,

I think we should be treating our new king with a little more respect.

-Sorry, Your Highness.

-Better.

Let's see how our King Taylor made his way to the crown.

There were plenty of slides...

A lot of slips...

Too many hits...

And a tonne of slime.

But despite all of this, he made his way to the top

and became the rightful heir to the throne.

Well, that's your lot on today's Splatalot.

Next time we'll have plenty more twists, turns, thwacks and splats.

-But now, we'll leave you with the new king in town.

-He-he!

I'm the king of the castle!

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