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Welcome to Splatalot!
The mysterious and messy kingdom
where ten brave young warriors go head-to-head
with those despicable defenders, as they compete to capture
the greatest treasure in the land - the Splatalot crown!
That's what I call Barack O-bam-a!
Can the defenders keep the castle safe from the attackers?
Or will our young warriors overcome every hurdle
and find a true champion to rule the kingdom!
Good thing I'm indestructible!
So who will tumble? Who will teeter? Who will tilt?
-And, who will go...
Hello, I'm Dick, which means by a simple process of deduction,
And this is Splatalot - the magical and mysterious kingdom that
changes its ruler more often than he changes his under-crackers.
Hey, I change them every month!
I think that proves my point. This place changes their King and
Queen on a daily basis.
I don't think they actually need to.
It's just that they really like to hold the tournament that
surrounds the selection process.
And this tournament is made up of the following three rounds.
In the Moat Challenge, ten attackers will enter,
but only the six fastest will survive.
Ditch The Dungeon will reduce that number down to four.
And Capture The Crown is the final round,
where one brave attacker will claim the majestic Splatalot crown.
So, three top tests await our brave young warriors,
and each one is packed full of awkward obstacles.
Let's show you what we're talking about.
Here's the Moat Challenge in more detail.
The attackers start in the splatapult,
which hurls them into the moat.
They then head up the slippery slope, and cross the rolling mace.
The impossible incline is next, followed by the beastly battleaxes.
The bridge of disaster then leads to the debilitating disc
which completes the course.
To make it even harder, it's all against the clock.
Yes, only the six fastest will make it through, so the attackers
will be trying to keep the splats down to a minimum. The last
thing any of them want, is to be wasting valuable time in the moat.
The thing is, the kingdom has employed
a bunch of ne'er-do-wells to slow them down at all costs.
We are of course talking about the defenders!
Here's all six of them. But the ones defending the moat are...
Skabb - he's a big, bad barbarian.
Madeva - she's a chain-mailed mischief maker, and...
Thorne - he's, he's just annoying.
Who ordered the pain cakes?
I've changed my mind. They're all annoying!
Down in the moat, the defenders are in position. Thorne's priming
his splatzuka, Madeva's taking aim, and Skabb's getting angry.
-I think she likes grapes.
Well, I hope she likes splats too. Wamoongle!
Well, it's always important to get the tournament off to good start,
and I think our first attacker has just done that perfectly.
Nice one, Paige.
Come on, Paige, where are you?
Rule number one - before you start any day,
you must have your pain cakes.
Paige ignores Thorne's dietary advice,
but the mace gives her food for thought.
-She nearly made it,
but as they say, a miss is as good as a splat in this tournament.
Paige, is it true that you play the splatsaphone?
Oh, I play it too! Wow-a-woo, wa-wa-wa splat!
You're embarrassing yourself!
Who are you talking to? You know I'm Madeva, girl!
You're going to get it now!
-Paige rattled Madeva's cage there,
but it just led to a splat on the incline.
Yes, the defender went on a slime spree,
making the incline extra slippery for our young attacker.
At the battleaxes now.
Oh, a water blast, and she's down again!
You know I think the moat gargoyles are the unsung heroes in this round.
Their cheeky little water blasts almost always catch
the attackers out.
Paige is back up, oh, it's another water blast, but she survives,
and prepares to take on the first axe.
Wait I think there's more, yes!
A third water blast, and this time Paige can't hold on,
and she's back in the gloink!
Well, the gargoyles are certainly having a blast today!
Hey, Paige, I play instruments too.
All you need is a shield, and a sword, eh?
Paige agrees, and jumps in the moat. Please stop, Skabb!
Paige finishes in 9:36.
But we like to finish with some goo. Lovely!
It's peanut butter jelly time!
Pain cakes are better than peanut butter and jelly.
Peanut butter and jelly's better than you!
-No, it's not. Pain cakes are better!
-Peanut butter jelly!
Teah decides to win the argument by shouting,
but the ever so quiet rolling mace has other plans.
Yes, the big old mace quietly goes about its business,
and splats yet another attacker.
Teah now, at the bridge of disaster.
How will she cope with Skabb?
-Oh, of course!
Great! And just like Paige, Teah decides it's quieter in the moat.
Now this is what you need to cross the bridge - total silence,
not some barbarian banging on a drum!
Yes, but if the round were distraction free,
-you wouldn't have splats like this.
Teah crosses the finish line in 8:33, and celebrates in style.
Ready for the battle!
OK, Giancarlo, but are you ready for the splattle?
Hey, Giancarlo, I heard you like your hair.
I like my hair. It's unbe-weave-able, child!
Something tells me Giancarlo doesn't want to chat about hair right now.
I agree. Flopsie pat bams!
Rinse and repeat! That's what I always say.
Wrong way round, Thorne.
More like repeat, repeat, repeat, and then rinse.
Giancarlo finishes in 5:26 - the fastest time so far.
So to complete that winning look, how about some conditioner!
Here's lifeguard, Jen.
She must be quite used to this -
looking out across stretches of water.
I hope her view's normally nicer than this though!
Let's get on with it. Monkey face prittle bat!
Her goggles need adjusting, but as Jen would say, she's "Otay."
Here's her view from the bridge.
Doesn't that moat water look inviting!
Oh, Jen slips!
She tries to hold on, but the bridge tilts, and she's in the hawango!
But she seems "Otay" with that. Jen completes the course in 7:46.
Right in the donkey!
Here's our fifth attacker Jake,
who's about to take on the battleaxes.
Oh, here comes another water blast!
Jake lands on the incline, then continues into the grilk.
Once again the gargoyles deliver.
They're behaving quite spritely today. A water joke, yes?
-As in "water bad gag?"
Jake survives the next water blast, but struggles on the axes,
and slip diddly daddy!
Yes, it was all bit hoppy, springy and eventually, splatty!
But Jake recovers to finish in 6:44,
and his round completes the first half.
So, let's check out the leaderboard.
Giancarlo is out in front with 5:26 followed by Jake, Jen, Teah
and Paige, who's in the danger zone.
So, Giancarlo is leading,
but to be honest, his time of 5:26 isn't that fast.
In fact, all the first half attackers have been a bit slow.
Well, to be fair the conditions are different each time.
The course could be extra slippery today, or -
and I know this sounds unlikely - the defenders could be on fine form.
Well, I suppose the conditions are the same for everyone,
so the next five attackers should find it just as tough.
Yes, they'll have one eye on those water blasts,
but the other eye on the clock.
Remember only the six fastest attackers will survive!
Now, before we start the second half,
let's stop for a moment to consider the state of play.
We know that the six fastest attackers will
stay in the tournament.
In other words at the end of this round the four slowest will be
leaving - they will be toast.
We also know that five attackers have already attempted
the course and Giancarlo is the fastest so far.
Let's say this slice of bread is him.
That leaves us with at least four attackers,
who are all slower than Giancarlo.
So whatever happens in the second half,
we can say for certain that Giancarlo will not be toast.
Let's have a slice?
No. Let's go to the leaderboard first.
So, confirmation that Giancarlo's in first place,
followed by Jake, Jen,
Teah and Paige.
What do you want on yours?
I'm having some of Teah's peanut butter jelly.
Forget that - the defenders are back,
so it's time to meet our next attacker.
Hailey, I'm not putting that on my toast!
Here she is, about to tackle the battle axes. Oh, wonton!
No-one's getting past those gargoyles today.
Hailey struggles back up. Oh, and she's immediately back down!
They're just starting to show off now - especially that
one on the right.
Hailey tries again. Oh, I don't believe it!
But she's making great strides on the bridge, ah!
Yes, if you speed a lot, you splat a lot.
Splat a lot - that's a good name for a show!
Hailey can be the logo!
And despite all that splatting,
Hailey still manages 5:57 - good enough to see her through.
In that case, bring on the twip plap. Lovely.
You defenders will splat today!
Now, Rahul's hero is American president, Barack Obama.
Good luck getting me!
Woops! Look's like Thorne doesn't need to.
Rahul's taken care of it himself.
Yes, that cheeky little backchat has cost him dearly.
Now, can he claw back some time on the incline?
Dinky doo diner!
What was Rahul's battlecry again?
"You defenders will splat today."
That's what I call Barack O-bam-a!
Your insults are as lame as your skills.
Ooh, we got a fresh mouth in the moat.
You know, I think we just might have something to wash that mouth clean!
Yes, the water blast deals with Rahul's backchat,
and he once more pays the price.
-Will his time suffer too much?
-Well, he's safe for now,
but there are still three more attackers to come.
OK, so here's some slop just in case he's through,
and how about some more slop just in case he's out. Marvellous.
Does anybody else think this is a bad idea?
No, Arran, we love it!
Let's catch up with him at the incline.
Hey, Arran, how are you doing, child?
I'm doing good.
Well, he seems a little grumpy.
Don't know why - he's just cleared the incline with ease.
But now he's about to face the all conquering water blast.
Oh, he survives!
Here's an onslaught of slime from Madeva, but again he stands tall.
So the gargoyles have finally been defeated.
He steps triumphantly onto the axes, but Madeva's still sliming him!
It's having an effect. He's beginning to wobble a bit, and, oh!
He slips, but somehow manages to hold on!
Arran, do one of your creepy voices for me.
You gets meats fried and mash potatoes!
Well, it's not very often you see Skabb lost for words.
Everyone's been left open-mouthed.
Yeah, well, I don't think the gargoyle has a choice!
Come on, Skabb, my brother's more dirty than you!
Your brother's more dirty than me! Fantastic.
Well, Arran will be the cleanest of them all
once Skabb's finished with him.
He's also achieved the cleanest round,
with no splats whatsoever.
And that's reflected in the fastest time
so far today - an impressive 4:15.
OK, here's one splat he can't avoid.
I'm going to show you the wall.
Here's attacker number nine, Breanne.
Well, we don't mind a screamer as long as they're a good splatter.
But any splat is a good splat.
Then she's fine.
Up the slippery slope now.
Hey, Breanne, you like the wall?
Well, allow me to show you the dark side of the moat.
That's not the friendliest invitation I've ever heard!
Breanne steps carefully onto the rolling mace.
Oh, but she slips, and I'm sure she'll soon be in the...
-Oh, no, she's made it!
I don't think we've ever seen that before.
Oh, but we've seen plenty of that!
Back to that brilliant moment on the mace roll.
It's almost impossible to survive if you slip, but she just did.
Shame she then ruined it on the incline with a sloppy slippy splat!
She won't mind, though, because she's finished in an amazing time - 2:47!
That's the fastest round by far!
Here's our final attacker, Michael,
who's already having a spot of bother on the axes.
I'm going to scale these walls like my favourite plumber!
-He's means Super Mario.
-Other plumbers are, of course, available.
Michael, say, "I'm a-gonna win!"
Going to be the winner!
Yeah, kind of. Now you will win, cos you said it.
Michael tackles the bridge.
Oh, he slips, but just about hangs on!
Not for long, though. Jabber plop wop!
Yes, Super Michael tried to avoid the mucky moat water,
-but was soon up to his neck in it!
-Looks like he needs a good plumber.
I think Peach is in another castle, Michael.
Peach will have to wait because Michael's still in the game,
and will be moving on to the next level.
So Round One is complete
and our six fastest attackers are...
So the tournament's off to a great start. The moat challenge had
that perfect combination of splatty resistance from the defenders
and athletic ability from the attackers.
Six now remain to take on our next challenge - Ditch The Dungeon.
This round is critical. It determines who'll be making it
to the grand final, so there really is everything to splat for.
Yes, at the end of Round Two,
we will be left with just four attackers.
So far they've raced as individuals round the moat,
but Ditch The Dungeon is a different challenge entirely.
For the first time, they will be competing in the same space together,
and that can lead to all sorts of splatty wondrousness.
Here's a reminder of the six attackers who've made it this far.
They are Breanne, Arran,
Giancarlo, Michael, Hailey, and Jake.
Now, many delights await them in the next round,
so I think we should take another look at the course.
Good idea. Here's Ditch The Dungeon in more detail.
The challenge begins beneath the castle walls. The attackers must
escape from the stock market, break through the gate,
cross the splatwalk, then climb the loathsome ladder.
Trying to slow them down will be three new defenders,
armed with a host of grimy slimy weaponry.
They'll also be guarding four flags,
the all-important tickets to the final.
The maths is simple. With six attackers and four flags,
there aren't enough flags to go round
so if they can get to the top and claim one, they're in the final.
If they can't, they're out.
We also just mentioned three new defenders,
so let's check out who's guarding the dungeon.
-I'm the Kookaburra!
Time for a faet...
Here, do you need this?
No, I got it.
Yes, three of the kingdom's finest!
Down in the stocks we have Arran,
Jake, Michael, Breanne,
Giancarlo, and Hailey.
Kook's got the frothbrother, Faetal's got a slime stick,
and Vane's got to get his act together.
And they're off.
They shake off the stocks and head for the gate.
All pretty easy so far.
Things tend to get messy right about now.
Yep. Cue the froth!
I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be water, so don't taste it!
That sounds like pretty good advice to me, Kook.
Boys, so you know, the ladies are beating you right now.
-Spoke too soon, Hailey.
Breanne's now out in front on her own.
Look what I have here. It's a rotten avocado.
I can't eat this. Have some!
Ergh! Well I'm hoping that was just a goo grenade.
Whatever it was, it sent Breanne back into the bapoodle.
Now that's what I call a good old splat on the back.
Breanne will not be thanking Vane for that.
Hailey builds up a head of speed,
oh, and then heads back into the swicket.
Kook has his sights set on Arran now, and so has Vane.
It's a double splat attack, and down the ladder he goes!
Vane's now after Breanne. Kook too!
Oh, and Arran gets caught again!
He was trying to splat Kook, but Vane put him off!
Good thing I'm indestructible!
You look disgusting. You've got green all over you. Green is out!
So why is your hair green?
-He's the only guy who can do it.
-Yeah, I can pull it off!
You keep telling yourself that, Kook.
Well, he might have dodgy hair, but he and the other defenders
are on top of the attackers at the moment.
Yes, Michael slides, feet first, and upends Giancarlo.
Meanwhile, Arran grabs Breanne, and Jake just joins them for the ride!
They all look pretty tired, but this round is far from over.
Faetal, engage switcheroo.
-Three, two, one.
-Wow, they did it!
Yeah, but why?
Faetal swiftly pokes Michael,
who then nudges Giancarlo.
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
Kook's tickling stick then sends Breanne and Arran on their merry way.
Nice dodge from Hailey, too.
Laughter is the best medicine. Ha-ha-ha!
But Arran might not be laughing when he watches this back.
Breanne was slipping, but she made sure Arran was going with her.
Vane has something for you guys.
DICK AND DOM: Ball of Doom!
Hailey goes down, but the ball's still after her!
She slides on the splatwalk, and frang-moggle!
-Crushed by the Doom!
-Actually, in the end,
I think Hailey caused as much mayhem as the Doom Ball!
Yes, it splatted her and Breanne,
but Hailey went on to splat the boys.
So I make that Doom Ball two, Hailey two.
Uh-oh, look what I have!
This isn't like Vane,
he's so focused today. I don't think he's mentioned food once!
Michael's down in the sploosh.
Then Hailey's on her way, and she's soon followed by Giancarlo and Jake.
But Breanne and Arran are still up there.
Vane fends off Breanne, but there's nothing he can do to stop Arran.
And he's the first attacker to claim a flag,
which guarantees him a place in the final!
Now, why aren't Kook and Faetal helping Vane?
The attackers are all over him!
I think Michael's broken through. Oh, and so has Breanne!
In fact, she claims a flag before him.
Now, is Hailey up there too?
Giancarlo thinks so. He's already taking his slide of shame.
Yes, she has a flag, so Jake also slides out of the tournament.
Nice try, defenders.
Well, it was from Vane. Not sure about the other two, though.
Jake and Giancarlo do the honourable thing
but the winners do the "whooping and cheering" thing.
And why shouldn't they? Because
Arran, Breanne, Michael and Hailey
know they've made it to the final.
What a great round! The defenders were on top early on,
but the attackers came back strongly.
Tough on Vane at the end, though. No-one came to help him.
Don't start feeling sorry for the defenders.
Anyway, I'm sure they won't be so disorganised in the final.
Yes, each defender knows one slip could cost them the crown.
Funny, that's probably what the attackers are thinking, too!
Time now for that part of the show where we give you
an informative guide on the sporting merits of each attacker.
We like to call it the Splat Stat Attack.
Once my colleague places the Splat Stat Hat on his head,
then the Splat Stat Attack shall commence.
So far, Hailey has finished fifth and fourth
and Michael has managed a fourth and third.
But Arran and Breanne can't be separated.
They have both won a round and have both finished second,
so that makes them joint favourites.
Excellent news! Usually, when we have joint favourites,
we end up with a gripping final that's just too close to call.
Here's a reminder of our four contenders.
In the Capture The Crown round,
we have Arran, Breanne,
Michael and Hailey.
But that's not all we have!
Ah, yes, this lot want to play too!
All six will be on duty, guarding this splatacular course.
They're looking out for the attackers, who start with
a trip to the dire mire, and the barrier of all barriers.
They'll then try to cross the terrifying Ts,
but need to avoid the splaken on their way to the scary-go-round.
The attackers must then climb up over the annihilating arm,
and land on the gruesome twosome.
The clobbering cannons are next,
followed by a leap onto the royal ramps.
Once they've climbed the slippery rock wall,
they'll find what they're looking for - the majestic Splatalot crown.
Down on the course, Madeva and Skabb have teamed up,
Faetal's on her own, and Kook and Vane are a pair,
-which leaves him.
-My name is Thorne.
Here are the attackers.
Breanne braves yellow, Hailey's proud in pink,
Michael's ready in red, and Arran is appealing in orange.
And they're off! Their first port of call is the dire mire.
Hailey is stopped in her tracks
but Breanne simply glides over the barrier!
Her extra height really helped there, and she's first to the Ts.
Come on, Breanne! You gots to run!
She takes their advice and takes one step at a time,
but the water blast gets her!
Now it's Michael's turn.
He makes it to the second T, but, whoa, sprocket box!
Apparently there's only two of them. There's three.
What a warm welcome!
Come on, Hailey, run!
Well, she does, and surprise surprise, it ends in a splat.
Arran takes a different approach.
Not a total success, but at least he hasn't fallen yet.
Breanne's not prepared to wait, though. She bumps into Arran,
and eventually they both end up in the hickey splots!
Michael tries a second time.
He slips, but makes a good recovery.
Oh, but has he overbalanced?
No, he recovers a second time, and somehow makes it over!
Now it's Hailey's turn to try.
Oh, this looks better, and yes, she's over too!
Michael leaps for the scary-go-round,
Back to Arran at the Ts.
He's down to one shoe, and that's bound to make him even grumpier!
Hailey now leaping, and landing.
Breanne tackles the Ts again, and this time she makes them look easy.
Back to Hailey. She approaches the arm, but she's under pressure.
Floppy one! What a splat from Skabb!
Just as she reaches the arm!
You look pretty in green, Hailey.
-She also looks pretty wet!
Back to joint favourite Arran, who's still on the Ts.
But this time he makes it over.
Now, can Michael make it over the arm?
No, not yet, anyway.
Arran's catching up, but Michael's falling down!
And the two of them simply swap places!
Arran now tries his luck on the arm.
Skabb and Kook pelt him with slime.
He survives that, but he can't make his landing!
Here's Breanne, and she also makes it onto the scary-go-round!
She reaches the annihilating arm, but look out!
Double sausages! Triple sausages!
It's an all-out slime attack,
but she survives, and she also clears the arm.
Next stop, the gruesome twosome. She leaps, and...
Oh, can she hold on? Not quite!
Michael's also at the twosome.
He leaps, and he does make it!
Arran avoids a collision with Hailey.
Oh, and he avoids the splaken too!
This is the scary-go-round, not the lie-down-and-go-around!
Hailey's now ready for a big leap.
Oh! And Breanne's back in the biltong.
DICK AND DOM: Splaken!
Oh, it could have been so much worse, but it still puts Arran off!
Yes, as splakens go, that was pretty mild -
just a little tap on the shoulder to remind him it's still around.
Hailey now approaches the cannons.
Hailey, you're doing a great job so far, OK? Just run right through.
Don't listen, Hailey!
-Bobby bash box!
All aboard the Vane Train! Oh, here comes another dude.
-Double bobby bash box!
-Michael gets a clobbering!
Vane shouldn't get away with that.
Yes, but all this place cares about is results.
In fact, the kingdom has spoken - Vane's just been named...
Back to the action. Oh, Hailey's down!
Blabber moose! So's Arran!
Back to Breanne.
Oh! No, she can't make it onto the royal ramps either!
But Michael can! He's now in the lead!
Faetal springs into action.
And Hailey springs into second place! Things are hotting up!
Michael makes a leap for the wall.
He tries to cling on, but he's down.
Come on, Hailey! Do it for the ladies!
She leaps, but she bounces straight off! This final is wide open!
Breanne's now on the ramps, so she'll be next to try the wall.
-But Michael's closing in!
-Breanne, you can be a princess!
I think Faetal means queen.
But Breanne might have missed her chance!
So it's Michael's turn to try the wall again,
but the slime is raining down!
He steadies himself, leaps,
and this time he makes it!
Arran's now made it onto the ramps, but is it all too late?
Hailey's back on the ramps too!
Faetal turns up the pressure on Michael!
Oh, Hailey's down again!
Now, can the Defender Of The Month save the day?
It's good, but not good enough, and Michael is over the wall!
-He takes the crown and becomes the new King of Splatalot!
-What a race.
Bad luck to Breanne, Arran, and Hailey. They played their part,
but here's the real star of the show!
All hail King Michael!
Well done indeed to our new king.
He didn't have it all his own way, though.
Both Breanne and Hailey had their chances at the wall,
but he was the only one who could stick his landing.
Yes, but sticking one's landing isn't always a good thing, is it?
I mean, if no-one ever fell down,
then we'd never have a Splat of the Day!
It's pretty rare for anyone to withstand
the charms of the Ball of Doom, and today was no exception.
Four attackers fell victim here, and for that,
along with many other contributions over the series, we're naming it...
Who's coming up with these bogus awards?
I didn't see one for best presenters of the month!
-We didn't even make the shortlist.
-What? We're the only presenters!
Let's get back to King Michael's journey to the crown.
-Going to be the winner!
-Now you will win, cos you said it!
So Skabb had spotted Michael's potential as early as Round One.
But his results suggested otherwise.
He didn't do that well in either of the first two challenges
and wasn't a favourite to win.
But he saved his best till last and thoroughly deserved his victory!
So let's hear from the man of the moment.
My first act as King of Splatalot
is to have one of you thrown into the moat.
I wish it could be all of you, but today...
it will be you, Kook!
Well, Kook seems extremely happy about that.
Well, you know Kook. He's always unpredictable.
In fact, that's the only predictable thing about him.
So another superbly splatty tournament draws to a close.
We'll have plenty more mess and mayhem for you soon,
but for now, we'll leave you with the Splatapult ceremony.
Take it away, Kook!
So, until next time...
-DICK AND DOM: Keep splatting!
-Where's the lifeguard?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd