Episode 25 Splatalot

-Welcome!

-Today, 12 young warriors brave and true

will enter the Splatalot kingdom and go head to head

with the dastardly and devious Defenders,

as they battle it out to capture the highly coveted crown.

Will the Attackers overthrow the kingdom and seize the crown,

or will the Defenders succeed in protecting the castle?

The Attackers will tumble, they will tilt, they will teeter,

-and they will go...

-Splat!

-All right! We're Dick and Dom.

-If you like arranging flowers

whilst listening to marching bands,

-I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place!

-Oh.

But if you do like high-energy, seat-of-your-pants splat-fests

-with a twist of medieval mayhem...

-Yes!

-..this is the show for you, my friend.

-Ooh, show me more!

OK. All 12 Attackers attempt the moat challenge,

but only the six fastest move on to the stockade.

There they have to grab one of only four flags

in order to make it to the final. The Defenders will slow down anyone

with eyes on that crown.

Love it! Show me even more.

OK. Here's some "even more".

Here are the obstacles in the moat challenge.

The Attackers begin with the mind-boggling battle balls,

then it's up the slippery slope and across the rolling mace.

Whilst fending off paintballs from the splatzooka.

The impossible incline then leads on to the beastly battleaxes,

and if the Attackers survive that, it's the rope bridge of disaster.

Accompanied by a cold shower from the water cannon.

A final leap onto the heinous helper will bounce them over the line.

-Seen enough?

-Not quite. Bring on the Defenders.

Who has the honour of defending the moat and keeping the kingdom safe?

He may be a tiny terror, but Tinkor thinks big

when it comes to mischief-making.

-This one doesn't really do ANY thinking.

-Skabb!

-And finally...

-I am Thorne.

I don't want to know what he's thinking.

-Prepare to be amazed!

-At our sheer power!

OK! Now have you seen enough?

-Yes, thank you.

-Good! Right!

Let's get on with it. Here's round one.

-HE SINGS

-So, the Defenders are on the course.

Skabb has the vaporiser. Thorne is on water-cannon duty.

-Tinkor...

-# My slime balls

# I love you #

..is in a world of his own.

I want a purple puppy so bad!

And our first Attacker, Erik, kicks off with a unique battle cry.

Ruff-ruff!

Oh, and the taunting begins straight away.

Erik's still taunting, and doing pretty well on the battle balls.

Oh! Bang-clanger. Curse of the commentator!

-No! Curse of the purple puppy.

-As curses go, that's lame.

On to the slope.

-And he's still taunting Tinkor.

-Tinkor takes taunting terribly.

Nip-ribbler!

-And the mace roll teaches our little taunter a lesson.

-Look!

Erik is imitating the logo. Is there no end to his taunting?

Nice try, but you have to earn the crown the hard way.

Will Erik try the same taunting tactics with Skabb?

No! He simply ignores him. Nice one, Erik.

Thorne's water cannon might be harder to ignore.

This has slowed him down completely!

Not as easy as it seems, son!

Oh, and Erik once again spoofs the Splatalot logo.

Looks like the logo just got its own back.

I know it's early in the competition, but that might make...

-Splat of the Day.

-But Erik faces up to the challenge

and starts climbing to the finish line.

-I beat you!

-You didn't beat me!

So, Erik finishes in 3:10, and Skabb's far from happy.

-Do the funky ostrich!

-Here's Emily.

And we find her strolling towards the rolling mace.

Speed is the key to winning! Winning is the key to going...

-..on...to things.

-Well done, Skabb.

Ooh, look out, Emily!

Move, Emily! Move!

Skabb more direct this time. Emily moves, then falls off. Poot-monger!

Right. Let's check that out again. Yes, as I suspected,

they're all imitating the Splatalot logo.

-But that splat was the real thing.

-Too real for Emily. She's fine,

but the mace got the better of her, and she does not finish.

Our next Attacker is Carmen.

When in doubt, narwhal it out!

Yes, I often find a horned whale comes in handy. Oh, figgler!

When in doubt, narwhal it out. And there he is!

Let's see if that was helpful. Will she glide over the remaining balls?

-That's a no, then.

-Here she is at the mace.

Let's go, Carmen! It's not a little slow race.

-It's a quick race.

-No way!

Cut the conversation and move!

-SHE SHOUTS

-Stourbridge!

-And Tinkor contributes perfectly to that conversation.

-Stourbridge!

HE LAUGHS Go! Go!

Carmen makes her move on the mace. Whoop! Voom-bops!

-The mace often has the last word.

-Where's your narwhal buddy now,

-when you need him?

-He's there.

-I'm confused!

-Well, that was confusing.

That's what Margaret just said. "I'm confused."

No confusion there - straight into a battle ball.

-Will that add to her confusion?

-It adds to our entertainment.

# Margaret, come out and see me... #

I didn't know Tinkor couldn't sing.

-And it's put her off her stride.

-Tinkor may have a splatzooka,

but with some help from the mace, his voice is lethal.

-How will she cope with Skabb?

-Hello, Margaret!

You can call me Skabb, if you would like.

-Very polite from Skabb.

-Tinkor fires off a cheeky back-splat.

-Margaret?

-What?

-Focus and go!

Two feet, Margaret! Don't you dare cheat!

-Jump!

-There's... Spew fondue!

I honestly don't know what's worse, Tinkor singing or Skabb screaming.

-They're both too much for Margaret.

-No wonder the poor girl's confused.

Nothing confusing about that time, though.

A very fast round from Margaret, with 3:23,

and Carmen doing pretty well with 6:07.

-Here's our next Attacker, Sam.

-Purple walrus!

-What is it with purple today? I smell a rat.

-Purple rat?

-My first cousin was a purple walrus.

-That would explain a lot, Tinkor.

OK. Here's Sam on the mace. Sam crossing the mace...

-HE YELLS

-And there's Sam off the mace!

Girdle cheese! Whoa, there. Rewind.

See? Another logo impression. What does it all mean?

It means you're losing it, mate.

He's over the battleaxes. Now sprinting over the bridge...

-Donkey pong!

-Well, Thorne thought that was a blast.

You can see why. That blast from his cannon contributed to that splat,

-and that will slow Sam down.

-Not by much,

because it's the third-fastest time today.

Unicorns!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Uh-oh! Scream alert!

-And she sets Skabb off.

-This is really tricky!

Yeah, I know!

OK. Calm down, everyone.

-Go!

-Stephanie has got some thinking to do.

But Skabb's got some splatting to do. Eggy niblets!

In all this confusion, perhaps the safest place is in the moat.

Not before she gets an additional splatting from the axe-blade.

-Not the sharpest tool in the box.

-Stephanie?

-No, the axe!

I love her spirit, but I don't like her time of 9:55.

-And that's the first half.

-So let's check out the leaderboard!

Less than 30 seconds separates the top three,

and, as Emily didn't finish, Steph's 9:55 is the time to beat.

But remember, only the six fastest will make it to round two.

So with six more Attackers to come, it's anybody's game for the taking.

And the splatting.

We're halfway through round one, so let's play a picture game

-I call Know Your Attacker.

-OK!

"Skabb smells". Oh, right. That's a taunting purple puppy,

which is Erik, our fastest Attacker so far.

Yes! It's the world-famous saying, isn't it?

"If in doubt, narwhal it out." Carmen currently in fourth place.

-OK. One more.

-OK. Purple wall, R, us.

-Purple Walls R Us.

-Just say what you see.

-That never helps, does it?

-It's not... It's "rus".

Purple walrus. It's Sam's battle cry!

Why didn't you just draw a purple walrus?

I had enough trouble with a narwhal! I'm not Rolf Harris.

Sometimes you make me want to... Yes. Exactly.

Erik is in the lead with 3:10, and because Emily did not finish,

Stephanie has the time to beat of 9:55.

So let's go back down to the moat for the second half.

-So, Thorne back on the water.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Did he just...

-Yes, he had a chilli taco during the break.

-Skabb doesn't look too pleased.

-Tinkor is singing to his slime ball.

-Not sure if the Defenders are focussed.

-How about Michael?

-Green!

-What did he just scream?

-He screamed the word "scream".

-He's at the last battle ball.

Trumpton-fuddle! That's quite a way to start the second half.

I hope he splatted on an empty stomach.

-Stornoway!

-Oh, wow!

Well, we'll soon know if Michael has eaten. A splat straight to the belly

straight after that belly flop on the slope.

-Everything's stayed down so far.

-Ooh, Piffington!

Another stomach-churning moment for Michael.

-And another top splat from Tinkor.

-That one's going to leave a mark!

-Tinkor's left his mark on all of us.

-Rainbow, rainbow, rainbow!

-Oh, dear. Looks like Sharon's a bit shy.

-Go!

-Skabb doesn't do shy.

-What are you doing standing there?

-Go!

-And Skabb gently encourages Sharon in his own sweet day.

This might take a while. Here's Zaryn.

Oh, look, a taco!

And Zaryn's spotted a taco!

-What are you doing?

-Thorne gave it to me.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Right, back to the moat.

-Slipper-scuff!

-Tell me I'm being foolish...

-You're foolish.

-..but doesn't that pose look like our logo?

Not that again! Here's Zaryn at the mace.

-Swazzlecuff!

-But she has no trouble with the battleaxes.

-How about the rope bridge?

-Not bad, but she wants a word with Thorne.

-What? Sorry, I can't hear you.

-What? Sorry, Thorne. She's finished.

And that time of 3:41 is pretty impressive.

Michael's done even better with 3:20.

Meanwhile, how would you sum up Sharon's round so far?

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Yeah. Interesting, interesting.

What can you do when nerves get the better of you?

-HE BURPS

-Yeah, I suppose you could do that.

I'm not sure if that advice is going to help Sharon.

What's happening?!

-I feel like asking that too. Have you finished that taco yet?

-Yes.

-Good.

-Elijah at the incline.

He gradually makes his way down. Gentle but effective!

Skabb is rarely either of those things.

Now onto the battleaxes. Mushy funk!

Now, let's see. Gentle? No.

Effective? No. Splat of the Day? Quite possibly.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Surely that's some kind of clue.

Bless her. We needed someone like Sharon

just to show how challenging this tournament is.

-I can't do it!

-So Sharon creates a brand-new category of her own.

We've had "did not finish". Now we've got "did not start".

-Here's Ellen!

-I don't think so.

-But what's the question?

-"Can you make it up the slope?"

-HE CHATTERS

-Or "can anyone understand Tinkor?"

Another belly splat from Tinkor there,

and back goes Ellen, down into the moat.

But she got back up and actually made it round in 4:49,

-putting her in sixth place.

-OK, can we stop now, please?

I've got a theory about this logo conspiracy.

-What logo conspiracy?

-Well, it all stared with cheeky Erik

when he jumped off the mace. See? Right there.

And then a pattern started to form. Zaryn struck her pose at the start,

which led to quite a splat at the battle balls,

but Erik left his impression right until the end,

coming face to face with the logo itself.

And finally Sam had a go. I think they're auditioning

-to be the next Splatalot mascot.

-Lovely. Can we continue?

-Aaargh!

-Here's final Attacker, Marcus!

-Quick, like a bunny!

-Marcus takes Tinkor's advice

and hops like a bunny right over the mace.

What I like about you is your war cry!

What's your war cry again? Aaaargh! That's how it's done.

Oh, nibbler! Incredible tactics from Skabb there.

He has a scream-off with Marcus, who valiantly joins in.

But Skabb shouts him into the moat.

Marcus take on the bridge and Thorne's water cannon.

-Drivel-swallower!

-Well, he got halfway,

but that bridge doesn't do things by halves. What a drivel-swallower!

That's what you get for being too cocky.

All right, Thorne! But Marcus makes it in the fastest time of the day.

-Wow!

-What a way to end round one. Marcus leaves the best till last.

So, let's see who's through to round two.

Which means we say goodbye to narwhaley Carmen,

and who can forget shy Sharon?

-Don't start.

-Precisely! That was the problem.

Anyway, back to round two, which is the stockade.

This must be the only show that rewards good competitors

-by throwing them into jail.

-Aaargh!

Don't worry. They all get a chance to escape.

So, what have we learned about our Attackers after round one?

-Splat-stat hat!

-This may be a new world record.

All six finished within 45 seconds of each others,

so this could be the tightest contest we've ever had.

-Favourite battle cry?

-"I'm confused!"

-Simple question.

No, that was Margaret's battle cry. "I'm confused!"

-I don't think so.

-Yes, it was.

-No, "I don't think so"

was my favourite battle cry, from Ellen.

-Leaderboard?

-Leaderboard!

Here are the top six who will be advancing to round two,

-where they must escape the stockade.

-It's ape-man Marcus,

Erik, Margaret, Zaryn, Sam and Michael.

They took some serious splatting in the moat challenge,

but it's nothing compared to the sliming they're about to get.

And then there's the grand final to follow,

when the splatting takes on an almost magisterial quality.

So they're all still quite a few splats away

-from that much-treasured crown.

-Here's the stockade.

The Attackers start by crossing the hexagon

and grabbing the rungs to build their ladders.

The stockade will be filling up with foam and water, slime and goo.

Once their rungs are in place, they can take one of four flags

and make their escape. Next stop, the grand final.

With only four flags, two of the Attackers won't make it.

-Tricky!

-It's about to get trickier.

-Bring on the new Defenders.

-The name's Kook!

How do you follow Kook? Easy, if you have no shame.

-It's Gildar. And finally it's our sugary-sweet slayer...

-Shaiden.

You'll never get past us. We are fearless.

Agh!

So, the Attackers are ready to go down in the stockade.

Erik's in red. Zaryn has an all-blue combination.

Sam has gone for orange. Margaret's in purple.

Michael sports yellow, and Marcus is green for go.

Gildar looks ready to go too, with a double-barrelled splatzooka,

and Shaiden looking as menacing as ever.

All right! Fun time.

It certainly is, as the Attackers head for the hexagon.

This isn't against the clock. It's against each other.

Sam breaks from the pack, and leaps.

From there he'll be able to reach up for a rung.

It's getting pretty foamy down there.

-Yes! Sam has the first rung.

-What are you doing? Give it back!

And back he goes! Zaryn now has her first rung.

These Attackers are evenly matched, and quick too.

Sam and Zaryn have the first rungs in their ladders.

-Where are the Defenders?

-Foot-in-mouth!

Here's Marcus, who will demonstrate how to get splatted

in four easy moves. One, you leap.

Two, you land on the slippy platform.

Three, you forget the brakes and overbalance.

Four, you end up in the foam. Splat accomplished. Thank you, Marcus.

Now, that's foamy Erik with his first rung,

and here's an even foamier Margaret, leaping like a foamy frog.

-Who's Shaiden after?

-I think it's Marcus.

It's getting pretty hard to tell who's who out there.

-Aaargh!

-What happened?

-It's the abominable snowman!

It's the abominable snowman! Oh, my good... Gildar!

They're Attackers covered in foam!

They're all Attackers covered in your foam.

My mistake. Sorry.

Kook keeps getting kookier, and Gildar always acts abominably.

Well, that was pretty abominable too.

Zaryn gets up close and personal with the mini-hexagon.

Extra-foamy and extra-splatty.

While Zaryn splats and stumbles, her main rival Sam has another rung.

-Again, where are the Defenders?

-Are we allowed to do the course

with no shoes? You know what I always say, Gildar?

-What do you always say?

-Kid's got no "sole" without a shoe.

I don't... I don't follow you.

-The sole of a shoe.

-Yes. What about it?

You don't have a...

-Yeah.

-Good defending, everyone.

Well, that was pretty painful all round.

Not for the Attackers. The Defenders get distracted

in their own little world, and forget about defending.

The Attackers won't mind. It leaves them free to keep leaping.

That's a nice landing from Erik.

Are we all watching this? Is everyone watching? I hope you are.

Finally, some defending!

Erik was our chief taunter in round one,

but Gildar has found a way to silence him.

-Ooh, and unbalance him.

-Back to the hexagon,

and Sam, our front runner, is still in the lead.

He grabs the flag and sprints to his ladder.

Sam's the man. He's first to escape the stockade,

and the first to make it through to the final.

Marcus won't be too far behind. He has the second flag.

That's made life much harder for the others,

-who still have ladders to finish.

-Squeezy beans!

Shaiden slimes Marcus. That will leave a nasty aftertaste,

but it won't stop him completing the challenge.

Now Erik gets his balance and claims the third flag,

which leaves three Attackers fighting over the last flag.

Margaret leaps and splats. It's getting a bit frantic down there.

And Erik climbs, and makes it to the top,

so only one place in the final remains.

That's Michael's last rung. How will the Defenders respond?

-# Gildar, you're handsome

-# Gildar, you're gorgeous

# Gildar, you make my dreams come true #

-That's how they respond.

-They serenade each other,

and allow Michael to take the last flag!

It's all too little, too late from the Defenders,

as Michael makes it to the top. We have our four finalists!

Farewell to Zaryn and Margaret, and hello, final,

-for Erik, Michael, Sam and Marcus.

-Another memorable stockade.

That song was great. # Gildar, you're amazing... #

No! I was talking about our finalists,

who will soon attempt to capture the crown.

But they'll have to cross the biggest obstacle course

-in the land.

-It will get splatty.

So, what did round two teach us?

Very little defending gets done when Gildar and Kook get together,

not so much arguing, more fooling around, really.

But that's why we love them. Well, I say "love".

I actually mean "put up with". Well, what I actually mean is -

Back to the Attackers. Erik, Sam, Michael and Marcus

have earned the right to take on all six Defenders, and each other,

in a bid for that Splatalot crown.

Hang on! I have some breaking news coming in from the Defenders' camp.

It appears that, after the nonsense in the Stockade,

Gildar has been put on the naughty step,

-and Crocness will take his place.

-So, that last-minute substitution

might make them a more balanced defensive unit.

This requires balance, too - the Capture the Crown course.

The Attackers start in the funky foam.

Then it's over the slides to the teeter-totters.

Where the barrier of all barriers and the lily pads await.

And they still have to climb the water wall

-before seizing the crown.

-Back to the Defenders.

-What's Kook thinking?

-Safety...first.

So the Defenders are taking this final seriously.

Here are the Attackers - Marcus in green, Sam in orange,

Erik in red and Michael in yellow.

And they're off! Heading straight down in the funky foam.

Welcome to Foam Town, population you!

Kook managing to be focussed, foamy and funny.

-Try again, matey!

-Look out, Kook! The abominable snowman is back.

Oh, no, it's just Erik.

Tinkor, as always, looking happy in his work.

Marcus heads for the slime. Trumpington!

-And slide he does.

-There he goes - slippier than a slippery eel

-and a kipper wearing slippers.

-Not a familiar saying.

Onto the teeters. Clockhangers! The first to totter is Erik.

Three splats for the price of one. One, two, three.

-Great value.

-Now, who's Thorne aiming at?

Melton Mowbray! It's Marcus. Thorne gets him just above the knee.

Marcus loses his balance and down he goes.

Then Tinkor vaporises him for good measure.

Skabb splats Erik at the barrier.

The Defenders have really raised their game now.

-Fluggle-paps!

-Michael has to plant both feet on the barrier.

-No sliding allowed.

-Looking good for the Defenders.

Ooh, but Thorne won't thank Tinkor for that. Rotherham!

Great throw from Skabb. Let's see that again.

Wow! The paintball has actually wedged into Erik's visor!

Ooh! Note to self - do not high-five Skabb.

Something tells me Erik's not quite finished.

-Hello, sweetheart.

-Ooh, Uncle Squirty!

Kook slimes Marcus, and also calls him sweetheart.

-This game can be so cruel at times.

-Crueller than you think.

Thorne splatted him too. It's a triple-splat Thorne sandwich.

-Teamwork!

-Teamwork indeed. The Defenders are working as a unit.

And the Attackers are pinned down on the teeters.

Oh, Erik seems to be struggling! He needs to find inspiration.

Will he make it this time? Oh, wait. Something's inspired him!

-It's his four-legged friend!

-He's over the barrier,

and he and his purple pal make it to the lily pads.

Which triggers the water wall. The final is hotting up!

-Erik losing his balance.

-Maybe Sam can catch him up.

Wibble! No, he can't.

Splatalot rules require both elbows to make contact

with the platform - just like that! Erik can move to the water wall.

Skabb's not happy, and splats Erik under the armpit.

-This is getting personal!

-Oi, Skabb! Pick on someone your own size.

Fortunately neither of us are, so he can't pick on us.

Kook splats Marcus at close range with a giant paintball.

Marcus loses his balance - a possible Splat of the Day.

How about Mistake of the Day? Kook should be at this end of the course,

-trying to stop Erik.

-The other Attackers are still trying,

but Erik has made it to the top, and claims the crown.

Game over! We have a new king in town,

and his name is Erik!

-Uh-oh!

-Don't say things like that!

-I'm the king!

-Yes, he certainly is.

-Skabb, calm.

-Skabb needs to calm down and accept defeat.

He lost, and Erik rules, quite literally.

-The blue ninja tries to calm Skabb down.

-Good luck with that!

Wow! King Erik claims the crown,

and wins his own personal battle with Skabb. Victory is splat.

-Don't you mean sweet?

-I never miss an opportunity for a splat,

especially when it's time for Splat of the Day.

Yes, inevitably Skabb was involved, with Stephanie on the battleaxes.

She lost her balance, and on the way down

-she got to know those axes a little better.

-A great splat!

But we also loved her calm response straight after.

Yeah, she's got that. And now she's also got Splat of the Day.

But this guy got so much more. Here's Erik's journey to the crown.

In round one, he auditioned as the Splatalot mascot.

After taunting Skabb, he escaped the stockade,

then slipped, teetered, tottered, splatted

and climbed his way to victory. A true Splatalot champion.

We'll have plenty more splats for you very soon.

But for now we'll leave you with the flag-raising ceremony,

and our new ruler. Take it away, King Erik!

I'm the king of the castle!

Till next time, keep splatting!

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