Episode 24 Splatalot

-'It's splat time!'

-Yes, welcome to Splatalot.

We raise the drawbridge and invite 12 brave young contenders

to go head-to-head with despicable defenders

as they compete to capture the highly coveted Splatalot crown.

-Yes!

-Will the defenders keep the castle safe from the attackers

and protect their kingdom or will the attackers overthrow them

and in the end reign victorious?

Who will tumble? Who will tilt? Who will teeter?

And who will go splat?

-Well, hello! He's Dick.

-He's Dom. And this is Splatalot.

We get asked a lot of Splatalot-related questions.

The most common is this. Has anyone else noticed

that dashing Viking defender called Gildar? I've enclosed a picture.

Isn't he lovely? From a Mr G Ildar from Vikinghamshire.

Huh. Hang on a minute. That's strange.

-These are all from him, as well.

-How about that?

If you haven't met him yet, don't worry, you're in for a treat.

The rest of you want to know how to become king or queen of Splatalot.

Here's the simplest answer. Be one of the fastest six

-in our moat challenge.

-Capture one of four flags in the stockade.

And then finish first in the grand final.

-The Splatalot crown is then yours.

-See? Simple!

Hm, yes, about as simple as doing your maths homework

in a bath full of kippers. Here's the moat challenge.

We begin with a skip across the pungent plank.

Then the rolling mace. Look out for spiky bits.

The impossible incline next, leading to the beastly battleaxes.

The road bridge of disaster follows. Mind the trip hazards.

And the debilitating disc takes us to the finish line.

But don't forget, all of this is against the clock.

-Yep, it's getting less simpler by the second.

-So is that sentence.

And things are about to get even more less simple

because the moat challenge, like all of the challenges,

is defended by a bunch of nasty, mean, dastardly, evil...

What he means is, it's time to meet the defenders.

Don't they make a lovely bunch?

In round one, our three defenders will be

the croc who won't stop till you drop, Crocness.

The heartless huntress Ballista.

And the guy who writes his own fan mail, Gildar.

This'll be a hair-raising experience.

-How's mine?

-Not as good as mine.

Oh, he makes me feel ill.

OK, back to the course. Crocness is on the splatzooka.

Ballista is on the water drop. Gildar has the slime stick.

-Here's our first attacker, Kate!

-SHE SQUEALS

Well, I hope that sets the tone for the rest of the show.

Attacker, attacker, who likes a lot of splatter?

Come out, come on, wherever you are!

-The defenders don't waste time with the taunting.

-You after our crown?

-That's why Kate's here.

-But Kate doesn't want to be there.

-Flubbery snitz!

-That's not how you do it.

She's right, but it is our first splat of the day

and that's something Kate can be very proud of.

Can she rise to a different challenge altogether?

Kate, would you say I'm more handsome or more gorgeous?

-I can't hear you!

-Garfunkeled!

Well, textbook taunting from Gildar whose smarmy charm puts Kate off.

-Then his smarm turns to slime. The battleaxes do the rest.

-She's OK.

Hey, Kate! A shower once a day keeps the smell away!

Ballista is taunting in rhyme. Splooshy!

-Maybe Croc needs that shower.

-Like you never have a bad hair day!

-Let's have a little deja vu.

-Ballista gives Kate a second shower.

That's a power shower and I think it might lead to an early bath.

Schnizzle-whip!

Well, proof there that this is the cleanest show on TV.

Shower, bath, shower, bath. Where's the towel?

So, Kate is home but not dry

in a time of 5 minutes 23.

-Here's attacker number two, Sandra.

-Ping-wham-balti!

-Tell us what you love, Sandra.

-SHE SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

Well, whatever it is, she really loves it.

-Will she love meeting Crocness?

-Well, no love as yet.

-G'day, g'day.

-Croc tries to break the ice.

-But Sandra isn't having any of it.

-Makes a move and jumbo Cumberland!

But she's back up, keeping her eye on Croc. Still no love.

Down the incline she goes and put-too-doo-doo-doo-doo!

-She seems to love the moat.

-Sandra demonstrating perfectly

-that slide often comes before a fall.

-Proud?

-I am!

But will Sandra be proud of her time of 7.28?

There's only so many happy dances I can watch.

Thank you, Gildar. Here's our next attacker, Cole.

-Eat it!

-Well, Cole ate up the plank, slope and mace.

How about the incline? Pop goes the dribbly weasel!

Dribbling weasel indeed! Cole's bitten off more than he can chew.

Yes, too speedy and just a bit squeaky. I thank you.

Now, can Cole make it across the bridge? Bum onions!

And these splats are eating up the clock.

-When you said "eat it" what were you talking about?

-Eat you!

-We can't allow that.

-Gildar not happy with that taunting. Ooh!

Ballista now joins in with the water cannon.

A drink to go with a moat-course meal.

Cole tries to shrug it off. He grabs the rope and dirty weasel!

-Gildar, close your eyes!

-Is it what I think it is?

-Oh, yeah!

-Agh!

Whoa! Agh!

Yes, Cole's rubbing it in Gildar's face with that happy dance.

And his time's not too shabby, either!

-Has he gone?

-Yes. Calm down and focus on the next attacker, Madison!

-SHE YELLS

-Ooh, scary, tiger!

-Here's Madison on the slope.

-Welcome to Splatalot.

-Abingdon! Crewe! Derby!

-Another point for Crocness!

Louth! Selby! Torquay!

-This Croc woman in on fire today.

-Yeovil!

-OK.

-Buxton!

-Please.

-Telford!

-Enough.

-Hatfield!

-Stop!

-Good!

-Right, back to Madison who's soaking up splats.

-Norwich!

-Yes!

-I give up.

It's a good job Madison hasn't. She's onto the battleaxes

-and, yes, she makes it over!

-At least she's out of Croc's range.

-Douglas!

-I don't believe this.

-Straight as an arrow,

Croc's 13th paintball flies towards Madison,

-a very unlucky sitting target.

-Unlucky?

-It's like Madison's a splat magnet!

-Well, she's safe now.

-I wouldn't bank on it.

-And finishes with a time of 7.14.

-I hate bees!

-Surely wasps are worse, Oliver.

-Billericay!

-Did that hurt?

-Not a bit!

Look out for those spikes! Rubble dumper!

-The mace definitely has a sting in its tail.

-Be careful, Oliver.

Don't bumble around or you'll be making a beeline for the moat.

-As long as you beehive yourself.

-Sorry, honey. While we drone on...

-Nice.

-..Oliver buzzes over the course in 6.48.

-Bee-autiful!

-I like blue!

-Amanda likes blue! But does she like Ballista?

Just call me mother nature because I make it rain when and where I want.

And to prove her point, here comes the rain.

That just makes the slippery slope extra-slippery.

-How extra slippery would you say it is?

-I couldn't possibly say.

That's how slippy. Crocness and Gildar are raining down on Amanda

-and she's about to get even more wet.

-Oh, Bimbo Baggins!

Yes, she loses her footing on the first axe. They're not just choppy,

they're slippy, too. That leads to a trip to the moat.

Gildar slimes the skies in an attempt to reach Amanda

-who's on the debilitating disc.

-Ballista makes it rain.

This is a really brave attempt in these adverse conditions.

-She topples but hangs on in there. This is impressive stuff!

-Wow!

That is superior Viking-like strength.

And she's made it! What an amazing effort!

But that bad weather slowed her down

and has left Amanda trailing in sixth place.

Yes, only the top six qualify, and with six more attackers to come,

-sixth place is a dangerous place to be.

-Confirmation of those times.

Cole leads with 4.44 and Amanda trails with 8.52.

-But no-one's out yet.

-Ah, yes, but no-one's safe yet, either.

That's the beauty of it. At this point in the show,

no-one knows what's coming next.

As I said, no-one knows what's coming next.

Here's what's coming next. Plenty more splats.

-And plenty of opportunities to get my own back.

-Don't bear a grudge.

Before we continue with the second half, Dom's gone to get cleaned up

so we've just got time for a few more of your lovely letters.

Right, this one says, "Skabb loves Skabb"

so I think we know who wrote that one. OK.

"Tinkor stinks!" Signed "the other defenders."

That's not very nice. I'm sure he doesn't really.

"Yes, he does" signed the defenders. The post is quick round here!

Time for one more. "Don't look in the medieval mail bag."

I wonder why not.

Oh, sorry.

Said I'd get my own back. Right, now I'm nice and clean,

we can start the second half.

Here's what our next six attackers have to beat.

Cole is our current leader with 4.44

and Amanda is in the danger zone with a time to beat of 8.52.

Crocness, Ballista and Gildar are back on the course and ready to go.

-Yes, but I'm not.

-Oh, shut your fat, wet face.

So, kicking off with a slope splat, here's our next attacker, John.

I have soft hair!

Uh-oh! Maybe John and Gildar have something in common.

Oh, socko-splodder! Now John has soft, damp hair.

Yes, I guess he just didn't gel with the spiky-haired mace.

-Cue the bad hair day.

-Talking of which, here's Gildar.

-Do you think that's slime or conditioner?

-John takes a leap.

-Ooh, smidgy badger!

-Well, Gildar seems to be up for the second half.

-You've had the conditioner, here's the rinse.

-Can John hold on?

Dingle-dangle-ping-pang-pow!

That moat water is going to do nothing for your split ends.

-Surely he means splat ends.

-John finishes with a great time of 4.52.

-Here's our next attacker, Jenna.

-Booyah!

And here she is on the impossible incline.

Jenna, the handsome voice you're hearing is that of me, Gildar.

Ooh! Watch the hair!

Did she throw something at me? You're supposed to be impressed!

-Disqualify her!

-Well, there's nothing in the rule book that says

attackers can't fight back. They are attackers.

But the course reminds Jenna who's in charge. Well done for trying.

-How will she cope with Ballista?

-Jenna!

-She's unbalanced and goo-goo-licker!

-Jenna does her best to hang on

but there really is no room for error up there.

But plenty of room in the moat.

She got the better of Gildar but the course got the better of Jenna

-and sadly she's out.

-Here's attacker number nine, Jeff.

-Jeff, you're going the wrong way, love.

-Yeah!

Well, here he is going the right way on the mace.

-Oh, well. Was the right way to start with.

-How about the incline?

There is only one way to go. Plop-wiffle!

-Now just the debilitating disc to go!

-What was he thinking?

-Weird tactics, Jeff.

-Croc's right, but they may have paid off.

With a time of 7 minutes 10, Jeff might just scrape in.

I like ice cream! SHE SCREAMS

Astrid likes ice cream! And she also likes to scream.

Will she like the wafer-thin pungent plank, though?

-Her strength's deserting her.

-Come on, Asterix!

Come on, Bastion. Come on, Asprin, let's see what you got.

I know. That's what I said.

Is there anything worse than getting someone's name wrong?

-Falling off the mace into the moat on TV?

-Tough break for Asteroid.

-Name-calling didn't get to Astrid, but the mace did.

-Naughty mace!

-She does not finish, which makes me sad.

-I blame Gildar.

-Let's call him names.

-Radar?

-Yes.

-Glider?

-Yes.

-Darth Vader?

-Like it!

Seagulls make me nervous!

-OK, no-one tickle Amina.

-Come on, Amoeba, I don't have all day.

Come on, Ammonia. Come on, Anaesthesia.

It's Amina! And so is the incline, very a-mean-a indeed.

-Did you say something, Wilhelmina?

-Is Gildar being mean or very clever

-with his off-putting tactics?

-How about mean and clever?

He hasn't stopped ticklish Amina from finishing,

but her time of 8.20 is too slow to qualify. Did someone tickle her?

Here's today's final attacker, or maybe that should be splattacker.

-Let's go!

-Yes, Jarid, let's go out with a bang!

-Here he is on the axes.

-Gildar sliming.

And Jarid... Ohh! Halfway up the trouser leg!

Halfway up the trouser leg, indeed! Jarid was caught in two minds

whether to stay or go. The minds didn't agree so the moat decided.

-Jarid's looking tired after that splat, but look at Gildar.

-Lazy!

-What are you doing, Gildar?

-When I get tired, I'm not my Viking self.

-Whatever, Gildar.

-Meanwhile, Jarid has found some energy.

-Hey!

But that water cannon finished the poor guy off! Pompersissy!

Good team work, everyone! Proud to be steering this ship.

Thanks for the help, Gildar.

Well, this is interesting. Gildar lies down on the job

and Jarid posts the fastest time of the day. Coincidence?

To be honest, I think Jarid would've made it anyway.

But Gildar is really pushing his luck with Ballista and Crocness.

-Let's see who made it to round two.

-Jarid, Cole, John,

Kate, Oliver and Jeff will soon be thrown into our stockade.

When you put it that way, it doesn't sound like much of a reward.

Hey, if you want to win that crown, you've got to work for it.

And in the stockade, you've got to splat for it, too.

So before we move onto round two, here,

-what have we learnt from round one? Fastest attacker?

-That's Jarid.

-Slowest attacker?

-Jeff.

-Most impressive defender?

-Crocness with 13 paintball splats in a row.

-Most annoying defender?

-It's the same one every time.

-Oh, yes, Mr G Ildar from Vikinghamshire?

-Mm-hm.

AKA Glider, Radar, Darth Vader,

-the guys who sleeps on the job.

-That's the one.

OK, enough about him. Back to the competition.

The six fastest attackers have now made it through to the stockade.

But only four of them will escape to compete in the grand final.

And in that final, one of them will become the new ruler of Splatalot.

So, who's it going to be?

Well, whoever it is, they're going to need a different set of skills

-in the next challenge.

-Being fast will help,

but escaping the stockade requires so much more!

They start by dashing across the giant spinning hexagon.

And then leaping onto the hexapods, positioned beneath the ladder rungs.

These rungs will help build the ladders to escape.

Once built, they can grab one of only four flags

before escaping to victory and a guaranteed place in the grand final!

Yes, six attackers, but only four flags,

so two of them won't be escaping the stockade.

Mm. However, all of them will be facing three new defenders.

I would imagine they'd all prefer to be up against lazy old Gildar.

Oh, no, my pretend friend, it's these three.

-He's the joker in the pack.

-Kookaburra.

-She always packs a mean splat.

-Shaiden.

-And she's our very own lady knight.

-Knightriss!

Attackers, give it your best shot!

It still won't be good enough!

So, let's check out the attackers' colours.

Kate's in the red. Jarid's gone for pink.

Cole has a navy helmet. John's in purple.

Oliver's wearing orange. And Jeff is sporting green.

-Can the defenders stay focused? Looking good.

-They're off!

-It's begun!

-Yes, Kook, that's what the claxon's for.

Early lead from Oliver and John.

-Not going to make it easy for you!

-Knightriss foaming at the mouth

-and the cannon.

-Good landing, Kate. Not so good from Cole.

-That's what's happening!

-Uh-oh, goo grenades!

But the attackers shrug them off.

Jarid has a rung. So does John. And Oliver. And Cole! It's a rung-fest!

Shaiden decides it's time to slow them down with slime.

Jarid slips off his hexapod. And Jeff does the same,

-nearly taking out the camera!

-If you're on telly, try for a close up.

Not sure the goggles, helmets and foam work in the close up.

-John's working well, almost finished his ladder.

-Shaiden with more goo.

-She splats Jarid.

-Yes, Jarid's the bullseye in the hexagon.

Almost has the rung knocked out of his hands.

-A few crash landings.

-Nothing worse than landing badly on your hexapods.

Exactly.

What's this? John's grabbing the first flag!

That springs Oliver into action. Careful!

And Cole is also thrown by the news.

There he goes up the ladder and John is the first through to the final!

So, that means three flags and fives attackers remain.

Eat slime!

Can a slime win splatter the day?

-Don't see why not.

-Jarid still leaping well and landing badly.

And it's catching. There goes Cole! Is that Jarid? Hard to tell.

-What's Kook up to?

-Not the right time for a tea break.

-Look like he wants it milky.

-Surely this is as bad as Gildar earlier.

What are the defenders thinking?

-Can the attackers take advantage?

-Not if Jeff and Kate can't land.

-Shaiden makes up for Kook's nonsense by sliming Oliver.

-How about this?

-You're not doing too well.

-Looks like tea break's over. Throbber!

-The attackers fight back!

-And Jeff splats Kookaburra with a paintball

and maybe teaches him a lesson.

-I'm not going to cry! I'm not going to cry!

-What is it?

-He threw something at me!

-Well, you've only got yourself to blame.

-Green-haired freak!

-Oh, no, you didn't!

-Uh-oh.

-You're a green-haired freak now!

What was Oliver thinking? Kook had lost the plot

-but the taunting has fired him up again.

-He's got it in for Olly.

-Splurge!

-You squawk the squawk, you got to walk the walk, little man!

-Kook's definitely back.

-Jarid grabs the second flag.

-Bogeys!

Shaiden also defending Kook's honour with a bucket of slime for Olly.

Jarid makes it to the top and he's the second to escape the stockade.

-Jeff grabs the third flag.

-What's this? Oliver's nearly finished.

No, no, he's forgotten to grab a flag! Kook has distracted him!

Nothing distracting Jeff. He's through to the final.

Kook doesn't want Olly to go through but he's going for the flag.

-Kate still after rungs. So is Cole. Is it too late?

-Oliver is climbing!

-Cole's still building!

-The game is over! We have our finalists!

-THEY CHEER

-Someone tell Cole it's over.

-While you're at it, tell Kate, too.

-OLIVER SHOUTS

-Oliver is still taunting.

-And that could come back to haunt him.

-OK.

So, confirmation that today's finalists will be John, Jarid,

Jeff and self-proclaimed taunt-meister, Oliver!

Doesn't he realise that all six defenders will be waiting for him

-in the final?

-Come on! When have they ever needed an excuse

-to give someone a good splat?

-True. But it'll just add to the excitement

as they do battle over that much-treasured crown.

Right, you, how about splat-a-stat attack in your splat-a-stat hat?

Right. Let's start with the facts. John has done well.

He came third in the moat challenge and then won round two.

But Jarid is more consistent with a first and second place so far.

-More stats!

-OK, let's move on to the bad boys!

Yes, Oliver and Jeff only just scraped into the second round

and then it all kicked off when Jeff threw that paintball at Kook.

-Oliver then got mouthy and Kook got splatted.

-More stats!

All right! The defenders aren't totally blameless, though.

Gildar offended everyone by taking a nap in round one

then Kook provoked the attackers by having a tea break in the stockade.

It's all going to add to the tension in the final.

-So, let's remind ourselves who those finalists are.

-Yes!

It's the three Js, John, Jarid and Jeff. Plus an O for Oliver.

-So that means the OJs are in the final.

-Juicy.

Yes, but here comes the real juice.

100 percent pure splat with all the lumpy bits left in.

It's the defenders, Gildar, Ballista, Kookaburra

Crocness, Knightriss and Shaiden.

Here's the capture the crown course in more detail.

Our brave warriors start with a drop into the mud bath.

Then over the slippy slides and up the titanic teeter-totters.

The barrier of all barriers leads to those lovely leaping lily pads.

Then it's up the water wall where the much-treasure

-crown of Splatalot awaits.

-There's only one so it's winner takes all!

The attackers are ready to go. Jeff is in green. Oliver stays orange.

John with a purple-green combo. And Jarid in pink.

-Purple feather.

-ALL: Purple feather!

Who knows what that means? But it doesn't matter.

-The attackers are into the mud.

-Then a foamy welcome from Knightriss.

-Yes! Slippy!

-Jeff and Oliver go head-first on the slippy slides.

Jarid tries the upright approach. Oh!

This is where the slips and splats really start, at the teeter-totters.

Down goes Jeff. And down goes John.

Remember, John won the last round. Distant memory now, eh?

Crabbles! Crabbles! Sploosh!

Congratulations on making it this far.

-Shaiden congratulates Jeff. Into the moat!

-Congratulations, Jarid.

-Congratulations, Olly.

-Ah, but we must genuinely congratulate John.

-He's the first to the barrier.

-Ah!

All right, pink, let's go.

-Ooh! What's happening?

-Kook aimed for Jarid but hits the camera.

-Our camera operator chalks up his first splat of the day.

-Upside down.

A bad villain always blames his splatzooka.

-John leaps and make it to the lily pad.

-It's hard to see

but it looks like Knightriss has run out of vapour!

Basingstoke! Kook hit Knightriss!

-Yes!

-He hit a fellow defender!

But he got the vaporiser working again.

-Jarid's going the wrong way.

-John's one leap nearer the crown.

-Oh!

-We've got a comedian!

-Oliver and Kook are at it again. Smelly trouser sprouts!

-Yes!

-HE LAUGHS

-Kook has the last laugh

-after Oliver provides his own punchline.

-And check Jeff out.

-A Splatalot slapstick double act.

-Back to the lily pads.

John is ahead. Knightriss and Croc pin him down.

-Jarid teetering but this time he holds on.

-John leaps further ahead!

The other attackers need to make a move soon or it'll be too late!

Jarid makes it to the barrier but he needs to have feet firmly planted.

One more leap for John. And yes! He makes it!

-He's been leaping like a leaping lizard in a leap year!

-Jarid's off.

-Ballista with a shot putt splat.

-She misses. John is on the water wall.

-And even taunting Oliver is lost for words.

-Can anyone stop John now?

-He's not getting the crown.

-Finally Gildar wakes up!

The other attackers are still struggling. John is almost there!

-He's not going to do it.

-Gildar in denial. Oliver in de moat!

There it is! John reaches and, yes, he has the crown!

-All hail King John, the new king of Splatalot!

-It's all over.

The others can do nothing now other than catch their breath.

-What will the defenders be thinking? Especially Gildar.

-Yeah!

Told you you'd never get me!

Well, apart from that last little outburst,

John was a pretty mild-mannered competitor. Remember his battle cry?

-I have soft hair!

-So remember, it's sometimes the soft-spoken,

soft-haired ones you have to look out for.

-Here's something else to look out for! The splat of the day!

-Splat!

What makes a splat special? We're always searching for unique splats

that we've never seen before and may never see again.

Here's Kook, first to splat a fellow defender. That's why we love him.

Yes, a truly hysterical moment.

-Don't you mean historical?

-No, hysterical. This is historical.

I have soft hair!

This is how King John's journey began. He sped through the moat.

He was the first attacker to grab a flag and escape the stockade.

And despite some early teetering and tottering, he led all the way

-in his quest to capture the crown.

-Yeah!

Dom? Where are you? Sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll have plenty more splaterrific entertainment for you next time!

When I'm sure the defenders will be acting far more professionally

-than they did in this episode.

-Right, I'm off for a nap.

-HE BURPS

-Here's the flag ceremony. Oi!

I am the king of the castle!

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