Episode 23 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot!

The show that invites 12 warriors to enter the Splatalot kingdom

and go head-to-head with the dastardly devious defenders

as they compete to capture the highly coveted crown of Splatalot.

Will the defenders keep the castle safe?

Or will the attackers overthrow them and reign victorious?

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS

Who will tumble? Who will tilt? Who will teeter?

-And above all, who will go...

-BOTH: Splat?!

In case you're wondering, one of us is Dick.

-And the one is Dom.

-Which makes it easy to remember which is which.

-Here's something else that's easy to remember. Splatalot!

-Ah!

If you like splat a lot, you'll like Splatalot!

But it's so much more! It's a time-honoured action adventure,

where good battles with evil until a new champion is found

to unite the kingdom!

-I prefer my line.

-All right!

Round One is the Moat Challenge, where the six fastest will survive.

Round Two is Escape the Stockade, but only four will succeed.

-Round Three is Capture the Crown.

-That headgear is up for grabs!

So that's three top challenges all in one show!

-It's a three-for-one splat-a-way!

-Enough of the sales pitch.

Here's Round One in more detail.

-First, the Pungent Plank.

-Then the Rolling Mace.

-The Impossible Incline.

-The Beastly Battle-Axes!

-Slow down a bit.

-Over the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

And finally, the Debilitating Disc.

-I'm exhausted just describing it!

-Pace yourself or you won't last.

You may want to look away,

-as Round One is about to get worse.

-What?!

-"Agh!"

-Otherwise known as Tinkor.

-"Agghh!"

-Otherwise known as Crocness.

-"Haaa!"

-Otherwise known as Shaiden.

-Prepare...

-For battle.

-Prepare...

-For splats!

HE BELCHES Stinky Tinky!

These are our three defenders.

Crocness is on the water cannon. Tinkor has the vaporiser.

Shaiden will be on shower and Splatzooka duty.

-Here's Haley.

-Pink rules!

Well, at the moment, Shaiden rules.

You picked the wrong day to mess with a ninja.

Just look how quickly she makes it to the Splatzooka!

She loads. Fires. And misses!

An almost perfect start from the Blue Ninja.

And an almost perfect start from Haley.

Almost perfect, as in not perfect at all.

-She's made it to the incline.

-Hello, attacker!

Allow me to apologise. I have a gas problem!

Ooh, disgusting.

Marmalades! Haley forgets to stop running at the end of the incline.

This is what she should've done. See? But she didn't.

-Shaiden takes a long-range splat.

-Tinkor is still vaporising.

Haley's coping well on the battle-axes.

-That's normally where it goes wrong.

-Turkey plucker!

-Told you!

She puts her best foot forward, but leaves the other!

She's almost doing the splits, but does the turkey plucker.

Now your biggest challenge - facing Crocness.

A frothy welcome from Croc. Haley takes a plunge!

-And down she goes.

-Haley at the Debilitating Disc.

-BOTH: Nelly pot!

-Let's see that again.

-Nelly!

-Pot!

-Nelly!

-Pot!

Despite that nelly pot, she makes it through in 6:24.

-Good victory dance. Here's Michael.

-The prince is ready to become king!

Here is Prince Michael on the slope.

You think you're worthy of being king! What makes you think that?

I'm sure he'd love to chat, but he's got a mace to cross.

-Fuddle sucker!

-Maybe he doesn't want that crown after all.

No, he wants it this much. Or maybe even this much.

All right! You've made your point.

He's our prince on the incline.

Michael! Pfft!

A bit below the belt from Tinkor. But it doesn't put Michael off.

-Now onto the battle-axes.

-And he's held on!

If you make a clean crossing, you avoid being splatted.

You also save a lot of precious time.

Just the Debilitating Disc to go. Windy!

Tinkor enjoyed that.

So did Michael. He'll be happy with that time, too.

Not king yet, but who knows?

Already slipping and sliding, it's Anish.

Aa-aaaaaa-iiiiieee-aaa!

-How do you spell that battle cry?

-Here he is on the incline.

-Smile!

-I just realised "smile" is an anagram of "slime".

And that's "splat", however you spell it.

-I like it when we say clever stuff.

-It's quite rare, though, isn't it?

Anish is back up, but he looks exhausted.

-Had enough?

-Not yet!

-Agh!

-Still not had enough?

Anish bravely dug deep and finished.

But that time of 9:01 could be a problem later.

Up next, and down next, is Danielle.

I love blue pizza!

I find blue pizza is generally past its sell-by date.

-Here she is at the battle-axes.

-Let's see if you got what it takes!

She's taking time, that's for sure.

Falkirk! With the first backsplat of the day, that was Shaiden.

Danielle is literally unmoved.

-This one seems to be taking her time, Shaiden.

-Sharp as ever!

Danielle's on the move. That's the first axe.

-Why did she jump off?

-Maybe she saw something.

A bear. A shark. A snake.

-You? Yes, that would do it! Dom's head on the axe!

-Shut up!

-You scared her into finishing.

-But that time of 10:23

might not be fast enough.

Here's Kiana kicking off with a big splat. Guberwalla!

-Chocolate rules!

-Maybe, but will you rule Splatalot?

Here's another question. Will Kiana make it over the axes?

She's also taking her time, so we'll speed things up a little.

OK, we'll speed things up a lot. Come on, Kiana. Nearly there.

Jungle blaster!

OK, back to real time. Her real time of 6:15 might just be good enough.

Racing over the mace now is twinkle-toes Hannah!

-I tame stallions!

-OK!

But can she tame the defenders?

-This is my kingdom!

-Your kingdom?

Ninjas don't get angry, but I'm angry!

Did you say you wanted more? OK!

Hannah takes a splat on the booty from Shaiden

and almost a bucket of slime from Tinkor.

-But she's made it over the axes.

-I'll finish what you couldn't!

I know how Tinkor and Shaiden will take that.

-There goes Hannah!

-Croc turns the cannon off. Very green!

-Here's Hannah at the Debilitating Disc.

-I'm waiting for you!

This doesn't look good.

And horse-loving Hannah is in a one-horse race for that bail of hay.

She gallops round her kingdom in a respectable time of 4:15.

A great way to end the first haaaalf!

Prince Michael leads the way with 4:01.

But Danielle, who was scared by Dom, has the time to beat of 10:23.

How could this scare anybody?

Stop it. Some viewers might've just eaten.

Let's hope the next six attackers haven't.

It's still pretty splatty out there.

We're halfway through Round One.

Which means six attackers have already been round the course.

And six more are about to.

But only the six fastest will move on to the next challenge.

Which makes it very finely balanced indeed!

At this moment in time,

it's impossible to predict who's going through.

But we do have the times from the first-half attackers!

-Agghhhhh!

-I win! Here are those times.

Michael leads with 4:01, but Anish and Danielle are in danger

and are hoping for slow times in the second half.

So with a watery Crocness, a gassy Tinkor

and a slippy Shaiden... THUD

Let's bring on our next attacker, Sarah.

-Beaver tails!

-SHE SCREAMS

So beaver-tailed Sarah screams the second half into life.

Shaiden, let's see that ninja accuracy.

DICK EXCLAIMS

-Good shot, Shaiden.

-Let's see that again.

Yes, it's a triple attack from our Blue Ninja.

Tinkor asked for accuracy and that's what he got.

-Or rather, that's what Sarah got.

-Here she is.

Travel nuts!

Loving the twinkle toes from Sarah.

-SQUEAKING

-But what's that sound?

-Her beaver tail hitting the mace spikes.

-What a sensible answer.

Snap her up, Crocness.

Hello there!

Flubbery snits!

The defenders are really backing each other up and getting results.

But Sarah has made it with a good time of 4:57, knocking out Danielle.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!

I like Calvin already. Here he is on the slippery catwalk.

-Give us a pose, darling.

-He declines.

But we've got him anyway, and turned him into Splatalot's Most Wanted.

Shaiden has him in her sights. A backsplat to start with.

And Calvin, AKA Scoodles, runs for the hills,

but forgets he's on a rolling mace!

Well, partner, like a cattle-rustling critter,

-he's lassoed into the watering hole.

-Thank you, Dominic Clint Eastwood!

You think you're worthy of our crown, do you?

CRICKETS CHIRRUP

I don't need an answer. I'll just splat you.

Shaiden misses, but so does Calvin!

He dives, avoiding four paintballs and is once again a prisoner.

You're no longer on the run and with 6:10, you're currently through.

Plunging onto the Pungent Planks, please welcome Corinne.

-Blue cheese!

-Not to everyone's taste.

-What - Corinne?

-No, blue cheese!

She's struggling on that slippery slope. Come on, Corinne!

-She refuses to give up.

-Oh, dear. Come on, Corinne!

Even stinky Tinkor's lost interest, and he loves blue cheese.

It's turning into hard cheese. She just can't make it.

-No, no, no!

-Indeed, Tinkor.

Corinne's time is simply too slow to qualify.

-Hard cheese.

-You already said that.

You better watch out, the twister's coming through!

Sofia should be OK on the twisty, slippery slope.

-I see you!

-I see you, too, mister!

It's Tinkor, not mister!

Mr Tinkor is, of course, Tinkor's dad, Mr Terry Tinkor.

-Who looks like Tink with a 'tache.

-Nice twist.

Back to our own twister. She twists, turns. Welly-wanger!

So...fia! So slow!

There are times when it's worth listening to Tinkor.

That wasn't one of them. Here's Sofia, down the incline.

She breezed down the slope, then got the wind knocked out of her sails.

Sofia's through. She looks happy.

I'd say she's... Oh. The mood changed. Sorry, Sofia.

See you in the next round! Not!

-Here's Steven.

-Party on!

Some party.

Welcome to the battle-axes. Watch your step.

Oh! Oh! Pudding botherer!

Well, as parties go, it had some high points

and then some very low points.

I'd suggest a change of venue next time.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.

I think Croc's about to dampen the party atmosphere. There she goes.

What's this? Stephen crosses in one easy move and doesn't even get wet!

Shake your fist all you like, Tink. That was the best move of the day.

Stephen is through with a time of 4:32.

Face the wrath of Fluffy, the freak of nature!

-Here's Fluffy on the slippery slope.

-Brandon!

-Freak of nature!

-Hm, that's rich coming from Tinkor.

Brandon makes his move and that leads to... Buffy!

We've seen this before. Break here and you're home and dry.

Break there and you're home and wet.

Well, Fluffy a bit bedraggled.

He's back up. Down the incline. Here he goes.

And trout blanket! It's the same problem as before!

Apply the brakes here, and not there.

-I'm all right!

-I better try harder, then.

-Splat!

-HE LAUGHS

And Brandon gives Tinkor the thumbs up.

Will the battle-axes give the thumbs down?

I don't think he can hold on. No!

And that's a splat!

A tough round for Fluffy, but look at him go at the finish line.

6:02 sees him through.

-Rock and roll!

-Brandon, you can stop now.

So that's the end of the Moat Challenge. Bye!

We have our six fastest attackers, who'll be moving on to Round Two.

They are Michael, Hannah, Steven, Sarah,

Fluffy, I mean, Brandon, and Calvin.

They've done well, but it doesn't get easier.

They have to escape the Stockade, which is as tricky as it sounds.

-New defenders, new foam.

-And new slime.

But, of course, it's the same old splatfest.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we commence with Round Two,

as they shall never be heard again,

please put your hands together for the battle cries from Round One.

APPLAUSE Pink and chocolate rule!

-I love Blue Peter!

-The prince is ready to be king!

-Beaver tails and blue cheese!

-Potty on!

You better watch out, the twister's coming through!

HE MIMICS TARZAN

-Aa-aaaaaa-iiiiieee-aaa!

-Face the wrath of Fluffy, freak of nature!

Ahem. Those were the battle cries from the first round.

Here are the six fastest attackers from the first round.

-Aa-aaaaaa-iiiiieee-aaa!

-Not again!

-Michael!

-Hannah!

-Steven!

-Screaming Sarah.

-Fluffy Brandon.

-And Calvin!

-Now, then, old boy...

-Me?

-Yes.

If I needed a shopping list for Round Two,

-what would be on it?

-Let's see.

You said that. And that.

Oh, two sticky buns and a bog roll.

OK. Let's do that again.

Attackers must stand on the small hexapods

to grab ladder rungs to build their ladders.

The fastest four can grab a flag from the middle

and make their escape.

Oh, and three new defenders.

-First up is the Barbarian we like to call...

-Skabb!

-Then the ballistic...

-Ballista!

-And finally, the high and mighty...

-Knightriss!

You want the crown!

-You don't stand a chance against us!

-Against us!

The attackers are in the Stockade. Let's match names to vests.

-Brandon in purple and green stripes.

-Sarah in pink.

-Hannah in blue.

-Michael in green.

-Steven wearing a lovely orange.

-Calvin in a green-and-orange combo.

The defenders are poised.

KLAXON And they're off!

Michael on the receiving end of Skabb's froth.

Sarah with a perfect landing.

These two have their first rungs. They set an early pace.

Can Ballista slow them down? No! She misses.

-Sarah at the ladder.

-But Hannah also has a rung.

Steve's struggling to choose. Maybe Skabb can help.

-Splat!

-Skabb's generous. He froths Steve,

but splats Brandon so he doesn't feel left out.

It's getting slippy. Sarah's got a second rung.

-Steve also starting to make progress.

-Hey!

Take that!

Ha! Take that! Knightriss is on fire today!

The defenders are getting along - never a good sign.

-You don't even have any ladders!

-Give him a chance, Ballista!

Our first big splat in the Stockade. Squilt!

Squilt!

Squilt!

-It's rush hour in the middle.

-Steve slips. And Hannah trips.

I've got a little present. It's called slime!

How thoughtful, Ballista.

Skabb rules! Aaaagh!

I don't like it when people call me names.

And name-calling Calvin is frothed.

-Hello!

-Ballista being ignored by Michael, on the last rung.

-Maybe this will get his attention.

-Green looks good on you, little man!

You can't win with the defenders! Call them names, they splat you,

ignore them and they still splat you!

Michael grabs the first flag.

The other attackers need to pick up the pace.

Michael makes it to the top. He's our first finalist!

I heard blue was your favourite colour.

-I heard you make a lot of things up!

-Hannah frothed by Skabb.

-Jump!

-He's loving it.

Sarah helps herself to a flag. Steve has his last rung in place.

Remember, two attackers won't make it through.

Steve has the third flag. Only one left. Hurry, Brandon!

Sarah's at the top and makes it through! Steve's about to join her.

Not before Ballista has one last splat.

Pinpoint accuracy from Ballista.

It might not change the result, but it's never too late for a splatting!

-Steve won't mind. He's in the final.

-One flag remains!

Could it be Calvin's? Or Brandon's?

-Or maybe Hannah's?

-Knightriss might have a say in the matter.

She slimes Hannah. Will that help the boys?

Brandon's after his final rung.

-I'm not going to give you the crown!

-Skabb puts his attention on Calvin.

-Can Brandon take advantage? No!

-Which allows Hannah to sneak in.

She heads to the ladder!

It's not in your best interest to come up here.

It is if she wants to reach the final.

Calvin and Brandon are still battling on the barrels.

Too late! Hannah has reached the top!

-That's awkward.

-That's a new low for a high-five.

They are today's Splatalot finalists!

Michael's in the thick of it.

Brandon and Calvin wish they were. They're just left in the foam.

Heading for the final, we have Michael, Sarah, Steven and Hannah.

-Three things stand in their way.

-The course itself.

-All six defenders.

-And each other.

Who will win? It's impossible to say.

-All we do know is someone will be leaving the rest in a spin.

-Nice.

Right, me lucky ducklings, time for some splat-stats. What you got?

Hannah was second on the moat, Sarah was second in the Stockade,

but it's really all about Michael. He's won both rounds.

-What was his battle cry again?

-"The prince is ready to be king!"

Yes. Prince Michael's prediction might come to pass.

Is it written in the pages of destiny that he will rule Splatalot?

All right, all right! There are four finalists.

Competing with Michael - Lady Sarah, Sir Steven and Princess Hannah.

-What?

-I promoted them. Seemed like the fair thing to do.

If we were being fair,

-we wouldn't put the attackers against six defenders!

-Fair point.

Here's Ballista, Tinkor, Skabb, Crocness, Knightriss and Shaiden.

Let's check out the course.

Our four brave warriors start with a cleansing mudbath.

Then over the slippy slides towards the teeter-totters.

The barrier of all barriers leads to the lily pads.

At the foot of our wonderful water wall

and the much-treasured crown of Splatalot!

It's harder than your maths homework!

The attackers are already lined up.

-Steven's in the orange vest.

-Michael's in green.

-Hannah's in blue.

-And Sarah's in pink.

-DEFENDERS: Hope you can swim!

-Menacing as ever!

BOTH: # My little Tinkor

-# Has the greatest smile! #

-Truly menacing.

KLAXON Down they go into the mudbath!

They're greeted by Skabb and Ballista on the foam cannons.

Sarah is the first to slip on the slippy slides.

The rest catch up and slip up!

Our sweet prince is the first to the teeter-totters.

And Skabb gives Michael a right royal splatting. He's down.

That's unbalanced Steven.

Those feet belongs to Sarah and she belongs in there.

Remember Sarah's battle cry?

Beaver tails!

BOTH: Beaver tails!

Those mucky feet belong to Hannah.

-It gets harder!

-That's all they need to hear.

That news has sent Michael into a tailspin. Cabbage bags!

What a move from the young prince. It really was quite majestic.

Everyone's going to be trying that. CLASSICAL MUSIC

-Back to the action.

-Tinkor's adding slime to the Splatzooka.

-Don't ignore a lady!

-Skabb fires! Peterborough!

Steven, distracted by Shaiden, gets a backsplat from Skabb.

-I love my job.

-Can you imagine Skabb working in a bank or teaching?

There's Hannah. She still can't do it.

-Can Steven? He ignores Lady Shaiden.

-Oh, no, you do not!

Steven needs to get both feet on the barrier or it's back to the teeter.

-Back to the teeter, then.

-Sarah teetering. Sarah splatting.

Can red-hot favourite Michael stay on the barrier?

The defenders look flustered. Michael makes it onto the barrier!

Great technique! Leaping lily pads!

It's seat-of-your-pants stuff from Michael! But he's over.

Back to the teeters. Sarah's down, but she's hanging on.

Come on! We're waiting!

Croc gets impatient with Michael. But he's on the next lily pad.

-Sarah's stuck!

-But Michael's on the move!

Back to Sarah. Can she plant both feet on the barrier?

-No! She slips at the wrong moment.

-Is there a right moment?

-Ask Steven.

I thought Hannah tamed stallions.

Skabb splats Hannah! He doesn't understand the word scared

and what he doesn't understand, he splats.

-Can Steven join Michael on the lily pads?

-How about a little clouding?

Knightriss can't stop Michael.

-Steve not over the barrier.

-Michael's at the wall.

Sarah's teetering, but Steve's over!

It's too late, as Michael reaches the top of the wall!

Steve is still leaping. Prince Michael looks to get his promotion.

Sarah put so much effort in, but it's over!

The young man who would be king is now the ruler of Splatalot!

Exactly. Defenders, please, respect your new king.

-What did I just say?

-Sorry, it was funny.

Someone tell her it's over.

Michael lived up to his promise. The attackers couldn't catch him!

And he gave the defenders plenty to think about. They don't like losing.

They can't argue about his record. Three challenges, three wins.

OK, here is something to argue about.

There are always too many to choose from

and we often fall out over which wins.

But we both agree that the Splat of the Day should belong to...

Our very own King Michael,

with a craze that will be sweeping the nation, the Splatty Twist.

-We both agree on the splat stats.

-It is not going to be called -

Here's how Prince Mick became King Michael!

The prince is ready to become king!

He rolled on the rolling mace,

but battled with the battle-axes to finish fastest.

-Agh!

-He overcame Skabb's foam and Ballista's slime.

And was sitting pretty throughout the final round

to maintain an early lead that led to victory.

The moral of this tale is, "Think big. Go for your dreams.

"Maybe one day, you too will get what you deserve."

-Please, sir, can I have what I deserve?

-Yep.

I'll leave you with Michael and his flag-raising ceremony!

The prince has become the king!

-I didn't deserve that.

-Trust me, you did.

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