Episode 22 Splatalot


Episode 22

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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to the kingdom of Splatalot.

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Here are today's steely-eyed attackers,

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up against the defiant defenders

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as they strive to deprive the castle of its highly coveted crown.

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Purple ninja monkeys on top of the CN Tower! Bang!

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Will these defenders be able to fight off the invading hoards

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-and keep the crown for themselves?

-Selfish!

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-Or will the attackers reign supreme?

-Either way, they'll be tumbling,

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teetering and above all, splatting!

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-Hello, we're Dick and Dom.

-We're here at Castle Splat

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for the mother of all splatfests.

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-The grandmother of all splatfests.

-I wouldn't go that far.

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Why not? We've got foamsplats, watersplats, mudsplats

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-and good old-fashioned paintball-splats!

-You're right!

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We've got a granny splat on our hands!

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And this is how it works.

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-12 attackers try to cross the moat.

-The fastest six go to the stockade.

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The first four to escape go to the final.

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There's one chance to place a paw on the Splatalot crown.

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Let's take a closer look at the first round,

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snappily titled the Merciless Moat.

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It all starts with a trip across the bamboozling battle balls.

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They'll boozle your bams!

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-Onto the slippery slope, across the mace.

-Slip up and you're slammed!

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Down the Impossible Incline, onto the Beastly Battle-Axes.

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They'll slice you thinner than Parma ham!

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Then it's time to risk the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

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It would be quicker if you swam.

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Finally, a bounce on the heinous helper

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takes the attackers over to the finish.

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Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am for the splats.

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-That's the first round. 12 enter...

-None survive.

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-Oi!

-All right, the six fastest go through to the next round.

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But it's not just the obstacles they'll have to defeat.

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-They'll also face...

-The defenders,

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whose job it is to slow those attackers down.

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Defending the moat today, the simply sneaky Ballista.

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-"Hello, attacker!"

-Says simply horribly vicious Knightriss.

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-And the simply...

-Just say Thorne.

-It's Thorne.

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Are you ready for us?

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-We're ready for you.

-Got it. Understood.

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We'll talk you through the action from our splat-proof shack.

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It's just like Wimbledon, except the balls are filled with paint,

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covered in goo and fired from Splatzookas.

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-Over to the course.

-The king has arrived!

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-Hang on, is he the king?

-Knightriss doesn't seem to think so.

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It's a good question. Who is the king? Have we got a supply king?

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-Here's the first candidate, Taylor!

-Splaaaaaaa!

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Go on, Taylor.

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-And she's off.

-She's right off.

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Let's hope that isn't a sign of splats to come.

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I wouldn't hold your breath.

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Especially as Ballista lines up a shot.

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-How are you?

-I'm fine.

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-She's fine.

-She fires and she splats. What a splat.

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-Lovely shot!

-Taylor shakes off the splat and makes a run for it.

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Who's jammy?

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A whole body-mode splat with an unusual twist.

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-Is that Splat of the Day?

-What? So soon?

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Taylor's onto the Impossible Incline. Takes that fast.

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-Take that!

-A head-first splat. It's like she's the Queen of Splats.

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Calm down. She's only the first attacker.

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This looks better.

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Makes the battle-axes look like a walk in the park.

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-Onto the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

-Maybe her luck is about to change.

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Frosty belly juice! Did she notice that big orange thing at the end?

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Actually, shouldn't we have a scarier name for it?

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-The Outrageous Obstacle?

-That'll do.

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You won't get the crown like that.

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-You ain't getting a tiara!

-Taylor jumps for the platform. Ooh!

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I think Taylor deserves a tiara for that splat-stravaganza.

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What you will get is a face of that!

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Taylor posts an impressive time of 5:04.

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Narwahls are awesome, yeah!

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Devin sped over the battle balls and now faces Ballista.

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-What are you thinking about now?

-"Shut up and don't splat me"?

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Devin, she's very pretty, isn't she?

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Yes. Pretty scary when she's got a Splatzooka!

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Can we concentrate on the game? Come on, get on with it!

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-What are you waiting for?

-Fast run from Devin.

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Straight down... Oh! Straight off the end of the mace.

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The replay reveals what an incredible leap that was.

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Hang on. That's a bit too incredible.

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-Are you messing about with the pictures again?

-Sorry!

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-There you go.

-Thank you.

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-I told you time and time again not to press the shiny buttons.

-Sorry.

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-It's got to stop. Pie yourself in the face.

-What?

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You heard me.

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Thank you. Can we continue? Good.

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While Dick was being naughty, Devin made it over the battle-axes

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and the rope bridge and has landed himself a time of 4:29.

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-Here's Dana.

-Purple ninja monkeys on top of the CN Tower! Bang!

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If you say so, Dana. Bang!

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Direct hit right now.

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Ballista calls the shots and she's bang on the money.

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She's back up on the axes. Ooh, and back off them!

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-Dana prides herself on her swimming.

-Her diving's coming along, too.

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Oops!

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-Dana makes it to the bridge.

-Taking heavy fire from Thorne.

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-Flop!

-Heavy fire often leads to a heavy flop.

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Dana finishes with 7:23.

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She's happy, but that could put her in the danger zone.

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Let's meet our next attacker, Austin.

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-Rise for Geddy!

-The only man you need to know is Thorne!

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At least Thorne seems to have dropped his claim to the crown.

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Austin going well on the balls.

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-But not impressing Knightriss.

-He's doing a great job.

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-But the Blue Knight looks bored.

-Ignore her, Austin. We're impressed.

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Let's have some fun, Austin!

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Careful. She almost definitely means evil fun.

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There won't be balloons! Just splats, as Austin's found out.

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Don't say we didn't warn you.

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Austin's heading for another splat.

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Truly is the Impossible Incline accurately named.

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-You sound like Yoda!

-Disrespect me, you shouldn't. Nnnn!

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Disrespect the water cannon, Austin shouldn't.

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The poor young attacker is back in the moat.

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Nonetheless, he picks up a useful time of 5:19.

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Here's attacker number five, Madison!

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Bazinga!

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Madison loves golf, and would love to have the power of invisibility.

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That's one way of doing it, disappearing into the moat.

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-I'm not sure it's practical for everyday.

-Mm, yes.

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She is on the axes. BOTH: Ohh!

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That was a spinning, sploshing splatdown!

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I think we've got another contender for Splat of the Day!

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Madison slips, trips and then tips into the moat for a dip.

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Everyone's had trouble with the bridge and Madison's no exception.

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She crosses the line with a pretty good time of 5:11.

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Let's see what attacker number six has to say for himself.

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-Stop! It be a trap!

-If you knew it was a trap, why do you stand there?

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He's not standing there now. Whoa!

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Makes a great start on the battle balls. Steady!

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-Do you think that was the trap?!

-Stop, it be a spike!

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Mike sets off on the mace and takes a direct hit from Ballista.

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It throws him off course, off the mace

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and into the whatnot.

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Can he make a better job on the Beastly Battle-Axes?

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-Blob goblin! Look at all that fog!

-What?

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Oh, yes. Leave it to me. There, a frog.

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-Not frog. Fog! I told you to leave the shiny buttons alone!

-Sorry.

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Michael crosses the bridge and finishes!

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-This dare has been won!

-He sounds exhausted!

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But he's set the top time so far with 4:02.

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The time to beat for the next six attackers is Dana's 7:23.

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If they're going to do that, they'll have to take the splats,

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the taunts, the falls and the spikes as fast as they splattedly can.

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-What a first half!

-We got our splat's worth there.

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Even two contenders for Splat of the Day.

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-Love, how do we work out Splat of the Day?

-It's complicated, darling.

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I imagine there's a detailed comparison

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-of difficulty and duration.

-Mm.

-Probably some tricky maths.

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-Maybe an independent observer to make sure it's fair.

-Sort of.

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-How exactly do we do it?

-I ask my hamster.

-What?

-His name is Steve.

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Here comes the science bit. I put the attackers' names on bits of food

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and whichever name Steve eats gets Splat of the Day.

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-But that's...that's genius!

-Yes! Thank you very much.

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Let's remind ourselves what the fluffing hamsters is going on.

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Taking a look back, we had a flying frog,

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a tingling tiara, a tricky Ballista and a super collection of splats!

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Michael's sitting pretty with 4:02, but Dana's twitchy with 7:23.

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Now onto the second half. The important thing to remember is...

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To change your pants at least once a week.

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-..only the six fastest go through.

-Yes, that's it.

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Here's attacker number seven, Carley Marie!

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-Bamboomski!

-Bless you!

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Carley Marie loves baking and hates spiders.

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-How does she feel about battle balls to the bonce?

-It doesn't say.

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So she likes baking and spiders.

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-What about baking spiders?

-That's not important.

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-Carley's made it to the rolling mace.

-Rrrrrrgh!

-Pardon?

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-Whoa!

-And Carley's off pretty much straight away!

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-Did Ballista growl her into the moat?

-You call that a scream?

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Master Thorne, watch this!

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Carley takes a splat for her troubles.

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Ballista, once again, showing off her precision Splatzooka skills.

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Pretty Ballista is being pretty cheeky.

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Carley now at the rope bridge of...

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Will she do better on the heinous helper? She leaps. Oh, bimble.

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Bimble indeed. She fell, but she bounced back

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and finishes with 5:19, knocking Dana out of the tournament.

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-Here's the next attacker, Chris.

-I'm on a castle!

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-Strictly speaking, you're IN a castle.

-You do like to be accurate.

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You forgot the most important thing! This is my castle!

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-Oh, no, not this again.

-You're not just on any castle!

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-He's not ON any castle!

-He's in the moat, outside the castle.

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-We can all agree he's now on the mace.

-Except he's not now.

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-OK, OK, are we all agreed that Chris is now in the moat?

-Yes.

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-Onto the axes.

-Yes!

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Even with just one weapon, we'll still get you, my dear!

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-Get him, Thorne!

-And he does.

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Chris gets the wet end of the water cannon. Not quite the full splat.

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Chris finishes in an amazing 2:37, the fastest time so far.

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-Here's attacker number nine, Jesse.

-I can't swim!

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So the moat challenge might not be right for you, Jesse.

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-Skip to attacker ten?

-Yes.

-I'm a taco!

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Welcome to the world of Thorne!

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Boo-hockey! Carina's scared of ghosts and wants to be a lifeguard.

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That's just what Jesse needed.

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-Ohh!

-Carina takes a splat on the noggin and into the eggnog.

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Sploogemonger.

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-She's bravely carrying on, though. Past the ghost.

-Where?

-There.

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Carina doesn't need distracting. She needs to hurry.

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Knightriss takes another victim with her vicious vapours.

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Thorne piles on pressure with a water cannon!

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Nasty Thorne!

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She's over with a time of 7:30.

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Not fast enough to get through, but finishing the course is enough!

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-Here's Tori.

-Carrot-flavoured deodorant!

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No idea what Tori just said, but she made quick work of the battle balls.

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Nose jelly! The mace just made quick work of her.

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-Say hello, Tori!

-Hi!

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Tori's showing everyone how it's done on the incline.

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-Belly flop!

-A skilful technique that helps her onto the battle-axes.

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-It's end of story for you, Tori.

-I think Thorne just made a joke.

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That's no joke for Tori.

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But she's made it through to the second round.

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-The final attacker is Mona.

-Frozen!

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She knows she's against the clock and will want a fast start.

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A struggle on the balls is not what she needs.

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It's what she's getting.

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-She's also getting it in the neck from Ballista.

-Turn back now.

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-Or you could run over the terrifying rolling mace.

-Wedge-banger!

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-These attackers need to be flattened!

-Talk sense, Ballista!

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You wouldn't be able to see them,

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-and what you fire your dirty paintballs at?

-Is that all you got?

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I got plenty more where that came from!

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Thorne's bag of spare splats are not required. Mona splats herself.

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Despite the self-splatting, Mona makes it in 4:56,

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which is good enough to put her through.

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Heading for the stockade are:

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Poor Madison was eliminated by just one second!

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-I almost feel sorry for her.

-What is wrong with you?

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Why don't you feel sorry for narrowly-defeated Madison?

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Bad Dick! Naughty Dick!

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-Ahem! Now she gets to go home and be all warm and dry.

-OK.

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She might not get to be queen,

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but she doesn't have to face the stockade.

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I hadn't thought of it like that.

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You're right. She's well off out of it. Look what she's avoided!

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Gildar and his buckets of slime, a foamfest courtesy of Skabb,

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and attackers trying to escape whilst Kook splats them down.

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It's a splat-cident waiting to happen.

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The moat challenge has left us with our fastest six attackers.

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How will they get on in the second round?

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They might be speedy, but pace is no guarantee of success.

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This isn't against the clock, it's against each other,

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which makes it rather spicy. Our attackers are:

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Let's remind ourselves exactly what the attackers will be facing

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in the stockade...ade...ade!

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-What are you doing?

-Just trying to build the tension.

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You don't need to, because the stockade is tense enough as it is.

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Is... Is... Is...

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The attackers start by racing across the gigantic hexagon

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to get across to the smaller hexapods.

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They'll have to balance on the pods long enough to grab rungs.

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Then race over the hexagons to build the ladders.

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They have to grab a flag and get to the top of the battlements.

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Whilst being splatted by defenders, including the mucky Skabb,

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the eccentric Kookaburra,

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-and the raging poser Gildar!

-Don't be nasty.

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Welcome to Splatala!

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-Welcome to Splatalot.

-Hm?

-Splatalot.

-Singular?

-Splat-

-Splatalot!

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-Oh, what are they like?

-They defy description.

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-Time for a helmet check.

-That's Devin in the mint helmet,

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Mona in the violet, Tori with a lemon stripe,

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Michael with a lemon, Taylor with a cool helmet, Chris with the sludge.

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With Skabb on the foam, Kook on the goo and Gildar on the slime.

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KLAXON And they're off!

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The attackers make a run for the hexagon.

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-I love my job!

-Because there's so many other jobs you could do!

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To be fair, he is good at it. Check out that hit on Mona.

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Gildar moving Tori off her hexapod there.

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-Kook goes crazy with goo grenades.

-The defenders are showing no mercy.

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They're not messing about at spreading the mess about.

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This is weird. Where are the bad jokes and the in-fighting?

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-Gildar, is it me, or does that laugh get more annoying?

-Very annoying.

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That's more like it. The baddies are bickering.

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HE LAUGHS

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I bet you can't go this whole round without doing that annoying laugh.

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I bet you, my friend, that you cannot yell

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or say "Skabb rules" once during this round.

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-Fine!

-It's on!

-You're on!

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Who will crack first, Skabb or Kook?

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-Har-har-har!

-Yes, that's much less annoying.

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Skabb, what's that funny slogan you always say?

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An update on why we're here. Chris and Michael are on their last rungs!

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Wait, I'll get it. "Skabb is great".

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Chris grabs the first flag. He's heading back to his ladder.

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The attackers are walking round what is the messiest round.

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-Skabb dominates.

-Pretty catchy, that one, Skabb.

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Gildar gets his head back in the game with a slime drop on Mona.

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It's not just Chris with a flag. Michael's behind him!

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Both of them are through to the final!

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Kook leans in for a slime, set on Tori! Slap-bang in the goggles.

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Did you know that Crocness and Gildar were once married?

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-No!

-What?

-Yes.

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-Skabb's just making things up, surely?

-I think that might be true.

0:16:310:16:34

I remember reading it in Gossip International!

0:16:340:16:37

You can't believe everything in the press.

0:16:370:16:39

-I don't believe that. Gildar's so handsome.

-I am very handsome.

0:16:390:16:44

Yes, but were you married to Crocness?

0:16:440:16:47

-I told you in confidence.

-Thank goodness we cleared that up!

0:16:470:16:50

I'm surprised at Crocness. I thought she had better taste.

0:16:500:16:53

-The woman has an alligator head for a scarf!

-Good point.

0:16:530:16:56

Back to the tournament, Mona has the third flag and goes for a ladder.

0:16:560:17:00

There's Devin grabbing a flag. That's all four flags.

0:17:000:17:05

And with four attackers making it to the top,

0:17:050:17:08

that leaves Taylor and Tori alone, in the foam, going home.

0:17:080:17:11

-Well put.

-Thank you.

0:17:110:17:12

The stockade has done its job. Four attackers remain.

0:17:120:17:15

They'll soon attempt to capture the crown of Splatalot.

0:17:150:17:19

Chris, Michael, Mona and Devin are all heading for the grand final.

0:17:190:17:23

Which, let me tell you, is no picnic.

0:17:230:17:25

Unless it involves some of the following...

0:17:250:17:27

Sploshes, splats, evil defenders armed to the teeth,

0:17:270:17:32

more splats, and being caked in foam.

0:17:320:17:35

-But at least no wasps.

-What?

-For the picnic!

-Oh.

0:17:350:17:38

-You know, Dom, I've been thinking.

-Oh, no.

0:17:390:17:42

SAD MUSIC You've been a good mate to me.

0:17:420:17:44

Like when I was messing about and you made me pie myself.

0:17:440:17:48

What I'm trying to say is, you've always been there for me.

0:17:480:17:52

Yes, well, no worries, eh?

0:17:520:17:54

I just want you to know I appreciate it and that I'd do the same for you!

0:17:540:17:59

-Well, thanks.

-In fact, I'll do it right now!

0:17:590:18:03

-Thanks.

-No problem.

0:18:080:18:11

Here's a reminder of our four possible rulers.

0:18:110:18:13

The crown could go to Chris, Michael, Mona or Devin.

0:18:130:18:16

But standing in their way and slowing them down, will be Thorne,

0:18:160:18:20

Gildar, Kookaburra, Knightriss, Skabb and Ballista.

0:18:200:18:24

Quick splat stat. Chris has been the fastest in both rounds so far

0:18:240:18:29

and has to be the favourite.

0:18:290:18:30

But Michael's been right behind him all the way.

0:18:300:18:33

One slip and Chris could be attending King Mike's coronation.

0:18:330:18:36

Let's see what they're up against. A pole drop into the mucky mudbaths.

0:18:360:18:40

Over the slides, onto the titanic teeter-totters.

0:18:400:18:43

Followed by the barrier of all barriers and the lily pads.

0:18:430:18:46

All that's left is a climb up the water wall

0:18:460:18:49

-where the majestic crown awaits.

-There it is. Lovely.

0:18:490:18:52

Let's get going. Traditionally, we start with some off-key singing.

0:18:520:18:57

# Splatalot, splatalot

0:18:570:18:59

# Splatalot, splatalot

0:18:590:19:02

-ALL: # Splatalot, splatalot #

-There we go.

0:19:020:19:04

-If you can't beat them, join in.

-Is this the worst one yet?

0:19:040:19:09

Thorne's forgotten the words.

0:19:090:19:11

-That's Chris in the dark green.

-Michael in vanilla.

0:19:110:19:14

-Mona in the mauve.

-And Devin in teal.

0:19:140:19:17

And they're off. Straight down into the mudbaths.

0:19:170:19:20

Followed by a faceful of froth.

0:19:200:19:22

They man the pipes like the kingdom depends on it.

0:19:220:19:25

-That's because it does.

-Ahh.

-Moving on...

-Mona certainly is.

0:19:250:19:30

-Gildar's foaming away.

-CRACKING

0:19:300:19:32

-But ohh!

-HE SCREAMS

0:19:320:19:34

Agh, my neck! My neck! Someone get me a medic!

0:19:340:19:39

-Oh, dear.

-Concentrate on the attackers.

0:19:390:19:42

Kook splatting Chris left, right and centre.

0:19:420:19:46

He's off. But still in the lead.

0:19:460:19:50

-Here's a Gildar update...

-Bad news, everyone!

0:19:500:19:54

I've hurt my neck while flipping my hair.

0:19:540:19:56

I'm going to be unable to compete. I'll coach you from the sidelines.

0:19:560:20:01

We're good, thank you.

0:20:010:20:03

-Are you OK?

-I hurt myself very badly.

0:20:030:20:06

-You said he'd be fine.

-Concentrate, Dick!

-There's Mona,

0:20:060:20:09

teetering off the totter.

0:20:090:20:11

Kook gooped Chris again. He's still in the lead.

0:20:110:20:14

Yes, yes. I want to know how Gildar is.

0:20:140:20:17

As a Viking who is injured, I am very proud of you all.

0:20:170:20:20

Very proud. And handsome.

0:20:200:20:24

-He's fine. Now commentate.

-All right. Where were we?

0:20:240:20:28

Ah, yes! There's Devin pulling himself out of the water.

0:20:280:20:31

But Michael is making a play for the barriers.

0:20:310:20:33

He's got his footing. Steadies himself. And he leaps!

0:20:330:20:40

Chris trying to join him. Skabb splats him.

0:20:400:20:43

No Viking coach required.

0:20:430:20:45

Devin and Mona on the totters.

0:20:450:20:47

-Skabb is like a crazy psycho Barbarian!

-But in a good way.

0:20:470:20:52

-Michael is taking quite a splatting.

-Chris back in second place.

0:20:520:20:56

Knightriss lines one up. Michael leaps.

0:20:560:20:58

And falls short of the water wall! Could this be a chance for Chris?

0:20:580:21:02

-Thanks to Thorne, we don't know.

-Way to go, smoke boy.

0:21:020:21:07

Here's Chris. Steadies himself on his lily pad.

0:21:070:21:10

And he jumps! And he makes it!

0:21:100:21:13

He's closing in on Michael, who tries again to reach the water wall.

0:21:130:21:17

Knightriss is looking determined. She can't stand the suspense!

0:21:170:21:21

-Neither can I!

-Would you prefer a reminder of the ones at the back?

0:21:210:21:24

I want to see the battle to the finish.

0:21:240:21:26

-How about Michael doing a silly dance?

-No, stop it!

0:21:260:21:29

Stop pressing the shiny buttons. This is the final.

0:21:290:21:32

That was embarrassing.

0:21:320:21:33

-Mona's nearly at the barrier.

-I don't think she can catch up.

0:21:330:21:37

This is a two-horse race, and those two horses are Michael and Chris,

0:21:370:21:41

who aren't ponies, but two young chaps.

0:21:410:21:43

I preferred it when you were pushing buttons.

0:21:430:21:45

Chris struggles to start at the base of the wall.

0:21:450:21:48

Mona tries to make herself the third none-pony in this two-horse race.

0:21:480:21:52

-Michael totally fails to get a grip.

-But Chris has figured it out.

0:21:520:21:57

He's getting away! Everybody, this one!

0:21:570:21:59

-I can't see anyone catching Chris now.

-Michael's still in the water.

0:21:590:22:04

He's stealing the crown!

0:22:040:22:05

Too late. He's got the crown! All hail King Chris, King of Splatalot!

0:22:050:22:10

Sorry, Michael.

0:22:100:22:12

That's really embarrassing, everyone.

0:22:120:22:15

Says the Viking with a bob and gold shoulder pads.

0:22:150:22:19

Don't kick a man when he's down! Or in this case,

0:22:190:22:22

when he's hurt himself flicking his lovely shiny hair.

0:22:220:22:25

Sorry, Gildar. Well, wasn't King Chris impressive?

0:22:250:22:28

He was favourite, but as predicted Michael pushed him all the way.

0:22:280:22:31

For most of that round he led, making it an exciting final.

0:22:310:22:36

The excitement just keeps coming.

0:22:360:22:38

Strike up the band and get out the hamster

0:22:380:22:40

because it's time for Splat of the Day!

0:22:400:22:43

I can now reveal that the first name hamster Steve munched through was...

0:22:430:22:48

-Madison!

-Let's see her splat!

0:22:480:22:50

Madison made the first step onto the battle-axes look easy.

0:22:540:22:57

When she went for the second step, she went down

0:22:570:23:00

-in a splat-tacular fashion!

-Respect!

0:23:000:23:04

-Here's something even more splat-tacular.

-That's not possible!

0:23:070:23:11

Oh, yes, it is. I give you the story of King Chris

0:23:110:23:14

and his quest for the fabled crown of Splatalot.

0:23:140:23:17

Chris showed amazing speed on the bamboozling battle balls.

0:23:170:23:21

And amazing skill in the stockade.

0:23:210:23:23

And finished with amazing determination in the final round,

0:23:230:23:27

eventually finding his way up the water wall

0:23:270:23:29

-to that amazing crown.

-Amazing.

0:23:290:23:31

That's the end of this amazing episode of Splatalot.

0:23:310:23:34

-All that remains to say is he's Dom.

-He's big nose.

0:23:340:23:37

And this is King Chris getting crowned.

0:23:370:23:39

I'm the king of the castle!

0:23:390:23:42

-We'll see you soon.

-But in the meantime...

0:23:420:23:45

BOTH: Keep splatting!

0:23:450:23:47

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:23:490:23:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:23:520:23:55

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