Episode 22 Splatalot

Hello and welcome to the kingdom of Splatalot.

Here are today's steely-eyed attackers,

up against the defiant defenders

as they strive to deprive the castle of its highly coveted crown.

Purple ninja monkeys on top of the CN Tower! Bang!

Will these defenders be able to fight off the invading hoards

-and keep the crown for themselves?

-Selfish!

-Or will the attackers reign supreme?

-Either way, they'll be tumbling,

teetering and above all, splatting!

-Hello, we're Dick and Dom.

-We're here at Castle Splat

for the mother of all splatfests.

-The grandmother of all splatfests.

-I wouldn't go that far.

Why not? We've got foamsplats, watersplats, mudsplats

-and good old-fashioned paintball-splats!

-You're right!

We've got a granny splat on our hands!

And this is how it works.

-12 attackers try to cross the moat.

-The fastest six go to the stockade.

The first four to escape go to the final.

There's one chance to place a paw on the Splatalot crown.

Let's take a closer look at the first round,

snappily titled the Merciless Moat.

It all starts with a trip across the bamboozling battle balls.

They'll boozle your bams!

-Onto the slippery slope, across the mace.

-Slip up and you're slammed!

Down the Impossible Incline, onto the Beastly Battle-Axes.

They'll slice you thinner than Parma ham!

Then it's time to risk the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

It would be quicker if you swam.

Finally, a bounce on the heinous helper

takes the attackers over to the finish.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am for the splats.

-That's the first round. 12 enter...

-None survive.

-Oi!

-All right, the six fastest go through to the next round.

But it's not just the obstacles they'll have to defeat.

-They'll also face...

-The defenders,

whose job it is to slow those attackers down.

Defending the moat today, the simply sneaky Ballista.

-"Hello, attacker!"

-Says simply horribly vicious Knightriss.

-And the simply...

-Just say Thorne.

-It's Thorne.

Are you ready for us?

-We're ready for you.

-Got it. Understood.

We'll talk you through the action from our splat-proof shack.

It's just like Wimbledon, except the balls are filled with paint,

covered in goo and fired from Splatzookas.

-Over to the course.

-The king has arrived!

-Hang on, is he the king?

-Knightriss doesn't seem to think so.

It's a good question. Who is the king? Have we got a supply king?

-Here's the first candidate, Taylor!

-Splaaaaaaa!

Go on, Taylor.

-And she's off.

-She's right off.

Let's hope that isn't a sign of splats to come.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

Especially as Ballista lines up a shot.

-How are you?

-I'm fine.

-She's fine.

-She fires and she splats. What a splat.

-Lovely shot!

-Taylor shakes off the splat and makes a run for it.

Who's jammy?

A whole body-mode splat with an unusual twist.

-Is that Splat of the Day?

-What? So soon?

Taylor's onto the Impossible Incline. Takes that fast.

-Take that!

-A head-first splat. It's like she's the Queen of Splats.

Calm down. She's only the first attacker.

This looks better.

Makes the battle-axes look like a walk in the park.

-Onto the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

-Maybe her luck is about to change.

Frosty belly juice! Did she notice that big orange thing at the end?

Actually, shouldn't we have a scarier name for it?

-The Outrageous Obstacle?

-That'll do.

You won't get the crown like that.

-You ain't getting a tiara!

-Taylor jumps for the platform. Ooh!

I think Taylor deserves a tiara for that splat-stravaganza.

What you will get is a face of that!

Taylor posts an impressive time of 5:04.

Narwahls are awesome, yeah!

Devin sped over the battle balls and now faces Ballista.

-What are you thinking about now?

-"Shut up and don't splat me"?

Devin, she's very pretty, isn't she?

Yes. Pretty scary when she's got a Splatzooka!

Can we concentrate on the game? Come on, get on with it!

-What are you waiting for?

-Fast run from Devin.

Straight down... Oh! Straight off the end of the mace.

The replay reveals what an incredible leap that was.

Hang on. That's a bit too incredible.

-Are you messing about with the pictures again?

-Sorry!

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-I told you time and time again not to press the shiny buttons.

-Sorry.

-It's got to stop. Pie yourself in the face.

-What?

You heard me.

Thank you. Can we continue? Good.

While Dick was being naughty, Devin made it over the battle-axes

and the rope bridge and has landed himself a time of 4:29.

-Here's Dana.

-Purple ninja monkeys on top of the CN Tower! Bang!

If you say so, Dana. Bang!

Direct hit right now.

Ballista calls the shots and she's bang on the money.

She's back up on the axes. Ooh, and back off them!

-Dana prides herself on her swimming.

-Her diving's coming along, too.

Oops!

-Dana makes it to the bridge.

-Taking heavy fire from Thorne.

-Flop!

-Heavy fire often leads to a heavy flop.

Dana finishes with 7:23.

She's happy, but that could put her in the danger zone.

Let's meet our next attacker, Austin.

-Rise for Geddy!

-The only man you need to know is Thorne!

At least Thorne seems to have dropped his claim to the crown.

Austin going well on the balls.

-But not impressing Knightriss.

-He's doing a great job.

-But the Blue Knight looks bored.

-Ignore her, Austin. We're impressed.

Let's have some fun, Austin!

Careful. She almost definitely means evil fun.

There won't be balloons! Just splats, as Austin's found out.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Austin's heading for another splat.

Truly is the Impossible Incline accurately named.

-You sound like Yoda!

-Disrespect me, you shouldn't. Nnnn!

Disrespect the water cannon, Austin shouldn't.

The poor young attacker is back in the moat.

Nonetheless, he picks up a useful time of 5:19.

Here's attacker number five, Madison!

Bazinga!

Madison loves golf, and would love to have the power of invisibility.

That's one way of doing it, disappearing into the moat.

-I'm not sure it's practical for everyday.

-Mm, yes.

She is on the axes. BOTH: Ohh!

That was a spinning, sploshing splatdown!

I think we've got another contender for Splat of the Day!

Madison slips, trips and then tips into the moat for a dip.

Everyone's had trouble with the bridge and Madison's no exception.

She crosses the line with a pretty good time of 5:11.

Let's see what attacker number six has to say for himself.

-Stop! It be a trap!

-If you knew it was a trap, why do you stand there?

He's not standing there now. Whoa!

Makes a great start on the battle balls. Steady!

-Do you think that was the trap?!

-Stop, it be a spike!

Mike sets off on the mace and takes a direct hit from Ballista.

It throws him off course, off the mace

and into the whatnot.

Can he make a better job on the Beastly Battle-Axes?

-Blob goblin! Look at all that fog!

-What?

Oh, yes. Leave it to me. There, a frog.

-Not frog. Fog! I told you to leave the shiny buttons alone!

-Sorry.

Michael crosses the bridge and finishes!

-This dare has been won!

-He sounds exhausted!

But he's set the top time so far with 4:02.

The time to beat for the next six attackers is Dana's 7:23.

If they're going to do that, they'll have to take the splats,

the taunts, the falls and the spikes as fast as they splattedly can.

-What a first half!

-We got our splat's worth there.

Even two contenders for Splat of the Day.

-Love, how do we work out Splat of the Day?

-It's complicated, darling.

I imagine there's a detailed comparison

-of difficulty and duration.

-Mm.

-Probably some tricky maths.

-Maybe an independent observer to make sure it's fair.

-Sort of.

-How exactly do we do it?

-I ask my hamster.

-What?

-His name is Steve.

Here comes the science bit. I put the attackers' names on bits of food

and whichever name Steve eats gets Splat of the Day.

-But that's...that's genius!

-Yes! Thank you very much.

Let's remind ourselves what the fluffing hamsters is going on.

Taking a look back, we had a flying frog,

a tingling tiara, a tricky Ballista and a super collection of splats!

Michael's sitting pretty with 4:02, but Dana's twitchy with 7:23.

Now onto the second half. The important thing to remember is...

To change your pants at least once a week.

-..only the six fastest go through.

-Yes, that's it.

Here's attacker number seven, Carley Marie!

-Bamboomski!

-Bless you!

Carley Marie loves baking and hates spiders.

-How does she feel about battle balls to the bonce?

-It doesn't say.

So she likes baking and spiders.

-What about baking spiders?

-That's not important.

-Carley's made it to the rolling mace.

-Rrrrrrgh!

-Pardon?

-Whoa!

-And Carley's off pretty much straight away!

-Did Ballista growl her into the moat?

-You call that a scream?

Master Thorne, watch this!

Carley takes a splat for her troubles.

Ballista, once again, showing off her precision Splatzooka skills.

Pretty Ballista is being pretty cheeky.

Carley now at the rope bridge of...

Will she do better on the heinous helper? She leaps. Oh, bimble.

Bimble indeed. She fell, but she bounced back

and finishes with 5:19, knocking Dana out of the tournament.

-Here's the next attacker, Chris.

-I'm on a castle!

-Strictly speaking, you're IN a castle.

-You do like to be accurate.

You forgot the most important thing! This is my castle!

-Oh, no, not this again.

-You're not just on any castle!

-He's not ON any castle!

-He's in the moat, outside the castle.

-We can all agree he's now on the mace.

-Except he's not now.

-OK, OK, are we all agreed that Chris is now in the moat?

-Yes.

-Onto the axes.

-Yes!

Even with just one weapon, we'll still get you, my dear!

-Get him, Thorne!

-And he does.

Chris gets the wet end of the water cannon. Not quite the full splat.

Chris finishes in an amazing 2:37, the fastest time so far.

-Here's attacker number nine, Jesse.

-I can't swim!

So the moat challenge might not be right for you, Jesse.

-Skip to attacker ten?

-Yes.

-I'm a taco!

Welcome to the world of Thorne!

Boo-hockey! Carina's scared of ghosts and wants to be a lifeguard.

That's just what Jesse needed.

-Ohh!

-Carina takes a splat on the noggin and into the eggnog.

Sploogemonger.

-She's bravely carrying on, though. Past the ghost.

-Where?

-There.

Carina doesn't need distracting. She needs to hurry.

Knightriss takes another victim with her vicious vapours.

Thorne piles on pressure with a water cannon!

Nasty Thorne!

She's over with a time of 7:30.

Not fast enough to get through, but finishing the course is enough!

-Here's Tori.

-Carrot-flavoured deodorant!

No idea what Tori just said, but she made quick work of the battle balls.

Nose jelly! The mace just made quick work of her.

-Say hello, Tori!

-Hi!

Tori's showing everyone how it's done on the incline.

-Belly flop!

-A skilful technique that helps her onto the battle-axes.

-It's end of story for you, Tori.

-I think Thorne just made a joke.

That's no joke for Tori.

But she's made it through to the second round.

-The final attacker is Mona.

-Frozen!

She knows she's against the clock and will want a fast start.

A struggle on the balls is not what she needs.

It's what she's getting.

-She's also getting it in the neck from Ballista.

-Turn back now.

-Or you could run over the terrifying rolling mace.

-Wedge-banger!

-These attackers need to be flattened!

-Talk sense, Ballista!

You wouldn't be able to see them,

-and what you fire your dirty paintballs at?

-Is that all you got?

I got plenty more where that came from!

Thorne's bag of spare splats are not required. Mona splats herself.

Despite the self-splatting, Mona makes it in 4:56,

which is good enough to put her through.

Heading for the stockade are:

Poor Madison was eliminated by just one second!

-I almost feel sorry for her.

-What is wrong with you?

Why don't you feel sorry for narrowly-defeated Madison?

Bad Dick! Naughty Dick!

-Ahem! Now she gets to go home and be all warm and dry.

-OK.

She might not get to be queen,

but she doesn't have to face the stockade.

I hadn't thought of it like that.

You're right. She's well off out of it. Look what she's avoided!

Gildar and his buckets of slime, a foamfest courtesy of Skabb,

and attackers trying to escape whilst Kook splats them down.

It's a splat-cident waiting to happen.

The moat challenge has left us with our fastest six attackers.

How will they get on in the second round?

They might be speedy, but pace is no guarantee of success.

This isn't against the clock, it's against each other,

which makes it rather spicy. Our attackers are:

Let's remind ourselves exactly what the attackers will be facing

in the stockade...ade...ade!

-What are you doing?

-Just trying to build the tension.

You don't need to, because the stockade is tense enough as it is.

Is... Is... Is...

The attackers start by racing across the gigantic hexagon

to get across to the smaller hexapods.

They'll have to balance on the pods long enough to grab rungs.

Then race over the hexagons to build the ladders.

They have to grab a flag and get to the top of the battlements.

Whilst being splatted by defenders, including the mucky Skabb,

the eccentric Kookaburra,

-and the raging poser Gildar!

-Don't be nasty.

Welcome to Splatala!

-Welcome to Splatalot.

-Hm?

-Splatalot.

-Singular?

-Splat-

-Splatalot!

-Oh, what are they like?

-They defy description.

-Time for a helmet check.

-That's Devin in the mint helmet,

Mona in the violet, Tori with a lemon stripe,

Michael with a lemon, Taylor with a cool helmet, Chris with the sludge.

With Skabb on the foam, Kook on the goo and Gildar on the slime.

KLAXON And they're off!

The attackers make a run for the hexagon.

-I love my job!

-Because there's so many other jobs you could do!

To be fair, he is good at it. Check out that hit on Mona.

Gildar moving Tori off her hexapod there.

-Kook goes crazy with goo grenades.

-The defenders are showing no mercy.

They're not messing about at spreading the mess about.

This is weird. Where are the bad jokes and the in-fighting?

-Gildar, is it me, or does that laugh get more annoying?

-Very annoying.

That's more like it. The baddies are bickering.

HE LAUGHS

I bet you can't go this whole round without doing that annoying laugh.

I bet you, my friend, that you cannot yell

or say "Skabb rules" once during this round.

-Fine!

-It's on!

-You're on!

Who will crack first, Skabb or Kook?

-Har-har-har!

-Yes, that's much less annoying.

Skabb, what's that funny slogan you always say?

An update on why we're here. Chris and Michael are on their last rungs!

Wait, I'll get it. "Skabb is great".

Chris grabs the first flag. He's heading back to his ladder.

The attackers are walking round what is the messiest round.

-Skabb dominates.

-Pretty catchy, that one, Skabb.

Gildar gets his head back in the game with a slime drop on Mona.

It's not just Chris with a flag. Michael's behind him!

Both of them are through to the final!

Kook leans in for a slime, set on Tori! Slap-bang in the goggles.

Did you know that Crocness and Gildar were once married?

-No!

-What?

-Yes.

-Skabb's just making things up, surely?

-I think that might be true.

I remember reading it in Gossip International!

You can't believe everything in the press.

-I don't believe that. Gildar's so handsome.

-I am very handsome.

Yes, but were you married to Crocness?

-I told you in confidence.

-Thank goodness we cleared that up!

I'm surprised at Crocness. I thought she had better taste.

-The woman has an alligator head for a scarf!

-Good point.

Back to the tournament, Mona has the third flag and goes for a ladder.

There's Devin grabbing a flag. That's all four flags.

And with four attackers making it to the top,

that leaves Taylor and Tori alone, in the foam, going home.

-Well put.

-Thank you.

The stockade has done its job. Four attackers remain.

They'll soon attempt to capture the crown of Splatalot.

Chris, Michael, Mona and Devin are all heading for the grand final.

Which, let me tell you, is no picnic.

Unless it involves some of the following...

Sploshes, splats, evil defenders armed to the teeth,

more splats, and being caked in foam.

-But at least no wasps.

-What?

-For the picnic!

-Oh.

-You know, Dom, I've been thinking.

-Oh, no.

SAD MUSIC You've been a good mate to me.

Like when I was messing about and you made me pie myself.

What I'm trying to say is, you've always been there for me.

Yes, well, no worries, eh?

I just want you to know I appreciate it and that I'd do the same for you!

-Well, thanks.

-In fact, I'll do it right now!

-Thanks.

-No problem.

Here's a reminder of our four possible rulers.

The crown could go to Chris, Michael, Mona or Devin.

But standing in their way and slowing them down, will be Thorne,

Gildar, Kookaburra, Knightriss, Skabb and Ballista.

Quick splat stat. Chris has been the fastest in both rounds so far

and has to be the favourite.

But Michael's been right behind him all the way.

One slip and Chris could be attending King Mike's coronation.

Let's see what they're up against. A pole drop into the mucky mudbaths.

Over the slides, onto the titanic teeter-totters.

Followed by the barrier of all barriers and the lily pads.

All that's left is a climb up the water wall

-where the majestic crown awaits.

-There it is. Lovely.

Let's get going. Traditionally, we start with some off-key singing.

# Splatalot, splatalot

# Splatalot, splatalot

-ALL: # Splatalot, splatalot #

-There we go.

-If you can't beat them, join in.

-Is this the worst one yet?

Thorne's forgotten the words.

-That's Chris in the dark green.

-Michael in vanilla.

-Mona in the mauve.

-And Devin in teal.

And they're off. Straight down into the mudbaths.

Followed by a faceful of froth.

They man the pipes like the kingdom depends on it.

-That's because it does.

-Ahh.

-Moving on...

-Mona certainly is.

-Gildar's foaming away.

-CRACKING

-But ohh!

-HE SCREAMS

Agh, my neck! My neck! Someone get me a medic!

-Oh, dear.

-Concentrate on the attackers.

Kook splatting Chris left, right and centre.

He's off. But still in the lead.

-Here's a Gildar update...

-Bad news, everyone!

I've hurt my neck while flipping my hair.

I'm going to be unable to compete. I'll coach you from the sidelines.

We're good, thank you.

-Are you OK?

-I hurt myself very badly.

-You said he'd be fine.

-Concentrate, Dick!

-There's Mona,

teetering off the totter.

Kook gooped Chris again. He's still in the lead.

Yes, yes. I want to know how Gildar is.

As a Viking who is injured, I am very proud of you all.

Very proud. And handsome.

-He's fine. Now commentate.

-All right. Where were we?

Ah, yes! There's Devin pulling himself out of the water.

But Michael is making a play for the barriers.

He's got his footing. Steadies himself. And he leaps!

Chris trying to join him. Skabb splats him.

No Viking coach required.

Devin and Mona on the totters.

-Skabb is like a crazy psycho Barbarian!

-But in a good way.

-Michael is taking quite a splatting.

-Chris back in second place.

Knightriss lines one up. Michael leaps.

And falls short of the water wall! Could this be a chance for Chris?

-Thanks to Thorne, we don't know.

-Way to go, smoke boy.

Here's Chris. Steadies himself on his lily pad.

And he jumps! And he makes it!

He's closing in on Michael, who tries again to reach the water wall.

Knightriss is looking determined. She can't stand the suspense!

-Neither can I!

-Would you prefer a reminder of the ones at the back?

I want to see the battle to the finish.

-How about Michael doing a silly dance?

-No, stop it!

Stop pressing the shiny buttons. This is the final.

That was embarrassing.

-Mona's nearly at the barrier.

-I don't think she can catch up.

This is a two-horse race, and those two horses are Michael and Chris,

who aren't ponies, but two young chaps.

I preferred it when you were pushing buttons.

Chris struggles to start at the base of the wall.

Mona tries to make herself the third none-pony in this two-horse race.

-Michael totally fails to get a grip.

-But Chris has figured it out.

He's getting away! Everybody, this one!

-I can't see anyone catching Chris now.

-Michael's still in the water.

He's stealing the crown!

Too late. He's got the crown! All hail King Chris, King of Splatalot!

Sorry, Michael.

That's really embarrassing, everyone.

Says the Viking with a bob and gold shoulder pads.

Don't kick a man when he's down! Or in this case,

when he's hurt himself flicking his lovely shiny hair.

Sorry, Gildar. Well, wasn't King Chris impressive?

He was favourite, but as predicted Michael pushed him all the way.

For most of that round he led, making it an exciting final.

The excitement just keeps coming.

Strike up the band and get out the hamster

because it's time for Splat of the Day!

I can now reveal that the first name hamster Steve munched through was...

-Madison!

-Let's see her splat!

Madison made the first step onto the battle-axes look easy.

When she went for the second step, she went down

-in a splat-tacular fashion!

-Respect!

-Here's something even more splat-tacular.

-That's not possible!

Oh, yes, it is. I give you the story of King Chris

and his quest for the fabled crown of Splatalot.

Chris showed amazing speed on the bamboozling battle balls.

And amazing skill in the stockade.

And finished with amazing determination in the final round,

eventually finding his way up the water wall

-to that amazing crown.

-Amazing.

That's the end of this amazing episode of Splatalot.

-All that remains to say is he's Dom.

-He's big nose.

And this is King Chris getting crowned.

I'm the king of the castle!

-We'll see you soon.

-But in the meantime...

BOTH: Keep splatting!

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