Episode 21 Splatalot

-It's that time again.

-Yes, welcome, Splat fans.

Time to raise the drawbridge and invite 12 brave young warriors

to battle it out with those diabolical defenders

as they compete to capture the much treasured and highly coveted crown.

Will the defenders prevent the attackers from taking the castle

or will the young contenders overthrow them, seize the crown

-and reign victorious?

-Ahh!

Splash.

Who will topple, who will tilt, who will teeter,

and above all, who will go splat?!

-Hello, I'm Dick.

-And I'm Dom.

And you're watching the medieval tournament with a modern-day twist.

Oi! Not so much of a twist, more of a snap, followed by a thwack,

then an ooh, rounded off with a big fat splat attack.

Easy, tiger, calm, calm, calm.

Pace yourself, cos this show is more of a marathon than a sprint.

Yes, as all the attackers will start the day dreaming of victory.

Half of them will have a serious wake-up call in round one,

two more will have nightmares in round two, and then four

will keep the dream alive in the final

until one remains to hold the crown aloft.

No, Skabb.

No cheating, Thorne. It's my crown.

WHISTLE

What, Crocness and beast?

BANG

PING

Ah! No, Gildar, it's a wimple!

-I was just capturing the crown.

-Yeah, in your dreams.

Right, let's take a look around the Splatalot moat.

It begins with the baffling barrels.

Then it's up the slippery slope and across a terrifying rolling mace.

Then the impossible incline leads to the beastly battle-axes.

And the water cannon which keeps guard

over the road bridge of disaster.

Then the pole vault takes our attackers over the finish line.

They're against the clock.

They're also against this lot, the dastardly defenders.

And fending off attack in the moat challenge will be

the following three muck buckets.

The cream of the croc, Crocness.

The Viking who thinks he's striking, Gildar.

And our eastender defender, Thorne.

Welcome to the Gildar Show.

-It's Splatalot.

-Never heard of it.

Do you think Gildar's mouth and brain are connected?

There he is on the water cannon. Thorne has the splatzooka

and Croc starts with the water drop.

Underneath the water drop is our first attacker, Estelle.

My last name is Zentil!

Nothing like a cold shower to get you started.

You looked thirsty, need a drink?

I don't think Crocness is as generous as she's making out.

Next is the slope and of course the splatzooka.

-Where are you, Estelle?

-There she is.

Yes, Estelle, there really isn't anywhere to hide on this course.

-Come on, let's hear it.

-I'm not scared!

That's the spirit.

-And that's the moat, goose-wangle.

-Brave words from Estelle,

but the mace simply wasn't listening.

-Ahh!

-I think it might have heard that scream, though.

Brutally.

Ahh! Ahh!

Well, Estelle misses the dry land position here and ends up all at sea.

But she's made a recovery.

Alperton! Down she goes again.

Thorne is really on fire today, but to be fair to Estelle,

she really does fall gracefully.

Uh-oh, she's at the bridge,

it's time for Gildar and his water cannon.

-That's it, hose her down, Gildar.

-I'm working on it!

Well, he won't like that, but I'd say Estelle won that battle.

I wonder how our young attacker feels about that.

You're not as amazing as me, Estelle.

What a put-down...quite literally.

-She won't mind cos she's finished.

-But 7.19 is nothing to scream about.

-Try telling her that!

-Clare.

I don't know what I got myself into.

Honesty's not always the best policy, Clare. Oh sputum!

She almost got herself into barrel number two.

You didn't know what you got yourself into.

It must be such a comfort having to listen to the defenders.

-Hi, there.

-Now Thorne's getting all lippy. Give the poor girl a break.

-Are you scared?

-Yes!

-More honesty from Clare.

She's about to receive an honest to goodness splat in the moat.

Bogwallop, reverse, roll, reverse, bogwallop.

Can she cope with the incline?

Yes, she can. Not many manage that.

And it's a confident start on the axes.

Onto the second. But no piggler.

She did all the hard work then one slip and it's all undone.

No matter, Clare has finished in an impressive time of 4.18.

-Here's Josh.

-Hi, Mom!

The other mums will be saying, "Why didn't you say hello to me?!"

-Are you worthy of the crown, Josh?

-Yes.

-You have to get past us.

Don't forget there's the mace too, Thorne. It's not all about you.

Well, so far, so... Oh, no, filthy mangle!

He's back up and ready for the incline. Mucky mugget!

Well, when I say ready, I do, of course, mean totally unprepared.

Which is odd, because Josh is actually a Scout and they're

-prepared for anything.

-Josh, you should consider yourself lucky.

It's not everyday you get to face the mighty Gildar.

-What would you do if you had to face him every day?

-Something like that.

I'd rather face the moat than Gildar.

And Josh's mum will be proud as that time should be good enough.

-Did your mother teach you to dance like that?

-Oh...

-Awkward, let's move on.

-Yeah!

Here's our next attacker, Laurie.

I'm an aeroplane!

That's as maybe, Laurie.

But now you're an aquaplane.

Mm, I don't think that gag will take off(!)

-You're not getting past me.

-Durham! And into the lung creamer.

Thorne, once again, showing off his accuracy.

And Laurie makes a crash landing into the moat.

Fly like an aeroplane? I don't see anybody flying here today.

-Yes, well, Crocness...

-Ooh!

I see a lot of slipping and splatting, though.

Oh, come on, Croc, give the girl some credit. That was amazing.

-A splat of the day contender.

-But our little aeroplane

makes a safe landing with 5.20. She might need to refuel for round two.

Does this wetsuit make my bum look big?

Here's Alex, about to take on the mace.

Thorne fires but Alex sprints across,

haven't seen that too often today.

He continues down the incline and... Oh! Toad toucher.

Yes, we've got a rollover.

How does that work? Two crowns next week?

-Alex now at the rope bridge.

-What's Gildar got?

Come on, Gildar!

I'm working on it! I'm a professional Viking.

I don't think you've quite convinced me, yet.

Thorne and Gildar bantering and bickering. Alex just splatting.

I know what I'm doing, I'm a professional Viking.

And Alex looks like a professional attacker with a great time of 2.10.

-Can anyone beat that?

-Olivia'll try.

Switzerland and mix-octopus!

-Hang on, can I have a moment to work out what she said?

-Of course!

No time to think in Splatalot.

Oh, apparently, no, you can't, Thorne won't let you.

The mace isn't giving her time to think either. Down she goes.

In slow motion you can see that it was a mace-Thorne combo

-which often leads to a single splat.

-Alex down the incline and...oh no!

-She's OK!

-That saves her another splat in the moat

but more importantly, it saves her precious seconds.

-Remember, it's against the clock.

-She's cleared the axes too!

-Gildar looks like he means business, so does Olivia.

-Not so fast, Olivia!

Oh, spongy oboes!

You might want to wipe your goggles, you're missing an unbelievable view.

You've got to be kidding me?

No, Thorne, sadly he's not.

Back to Olivia and she has the third fastest time so far with 5.13.

We're halfway through the moat challenge,

let's check out the leaderboard.

Alex is in the lead with 2.10,

Estelle is in the danger zone.

Technically, they're all in

the danger zone. Only the six fastest make it to the next round.

With six more attackers to come, no-one's safe.

There's everything to play for.

And everything to splat for.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your half-time entertainment,

Mr Dominic Wood will now re-enact

moments from the first half of the Gildar Show.

Welcome to the Gildar Show.

Consider yourself lucky.

It's not every day you get to face the mighty Gildar.

Did your mother teach you to dance like that?

Oh, I know what I'm doing, I'm a professional Viking.

You may want to wipe your goggles, you're missing an unbelievable view.

Thanks.

And that was the first half of the Gildar Show.

Also appearing in the Gildar Show are this lot.

Yes, Alex currently leads with 2.10,

and Estelle is in that tricky sixth position with 7.19.

So, how do you think that the next six are going to cope out there?

The course is pretty unforgiving.

I'm not talking about the course.

How will they cope with the self-proclaimed star of the show?

Look at him! He's on the water cannon,

Thorne's on the splatzooka, Croc's on the water drop.

Orange pandas rock!

How about orange barrels, Nicole? Winky worm!

Aw, look, she's brought a panda with her.

Doesn't seem to be helping!

-Yes, Nicole, but why?

-You ready?

-No!

She's really not ready.

Looks like the castle is doing a good job at defending itself.

OK, Nicole, how about orange maces, do they rock?

No, they don't, Dick, they just roll.

It's the orange pandas that rock.

Onto the battle-axes.

It's a good start, one step to go. Oh, prune macalune.

Every time that panda turns up, she comes a-cropper.

But... Oh, yes, you're right.

Nicole and her furry friend have run out of time.

Here's Adrian. Cheesy pick-up lines, eh? Hung-bubbler.

It looks like he was trying to pick up a barrel.

-He even gave it a peck on the cheek.

-On to the mace,

love at first sight? No, he didn't fall for her.

-Ahh!

-What kind of scream is that?

Well, let's here it again and find out.

Ooh! Quite scary in slow-mo.

On the incline now and he makes it!

Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

Well, no love lost between Adrian and Crocness. Nozzlechomper!

Croc distracted him,

he lost concentration, the moat said, "Thanks."

One more time.

What's Thorne up to? Bristol, Bristol, Bristol!

-Bristol!

-Oh, that's what Thorne was up to.

It hasn't put him off and with that time,

there'll be a second date with him later.

I'm going to fly through this course!

OK, Robyn, let's see if that's true. Bulging wiki-woo!

-You'll swim through the course!

-Harsh, but possibly fair.

Apparently, Robyn can bite her own toenails, thought you should know.

Hi, there.

Redditch! A nice splat on the back there from Thorne.

-Can she really bite her own toenails?

-Why would she bite anyone else's?

Robyn's almost nailed the mace.

-This'll be quite a feat if she hangs on.

-No, this is quite a FEET.

Nail-biting stuff but she's booted into the funk dunker.

-Very close.

-Nice try.

-Don't think you've saved yourself yet.

Oh, he's Thorne, ba-bum-bum.

Thorne's reached a new low but it spurred her on, she's...in the moat.

She did all the hard work and then got splatted.

But she's over the finish line in 5.07. Here's Julia.

Hello, mate!

What a friendly battle cry from Julia.

Fat kidneys! Hello, barrels.

Not sure they're the kind of mates Julia should be hanging out with.

-Hello, slope.

-Is the water cold, Julia?

I'm going to make sure that you spend as much time in there.

Well, Julia's battle cry seems to be a distant memory.

Do you like that?

OK, mace time. No! Snot rocket time.

-Down she goes.

-Thorne can't miss today, he knocks Julia off the mace.

And he knocks her out as that time is too slow.

I like to jokity joke, joke, joke.

-She likes to whatity what, what, what?

-Whatever it was,

she also likes to splatity splat, splat, splat.

Nice!

Up the slope now.

Janessa?

Ah, there you are.

Tucker-munge! Thorne sends her into the moat.

Splash.

Nearly, Croc, we prefer the term tucker-munge!

Janessa at the maceity mace, mace, mace.

And there she is in the moatity moat, moat, moat.

OK, OK, enoughity, nuff, nuff, nuff.

How will she cope on the axes?

-Careful there.

-She's done well.

-It's your turn now, Gildar.

-Gildar attempts to slow Janessa down.

-she can't afford to do that.

-Oh, swaffles!

-But she's down, and sadly out.

-Gildar gets it done.

That's why Gildar is the leader of the defenders.

Yeah, right!

Oh, maybe!

Here's Dustin.

He needs to beat Laurie's time of 5.20 in order to qualify.

Too late to be scared now.

Surely now is precisely the right time to be scared.

He doesn't look that scared to me. He's at the mace.

And he's going to make it!

Thorne, Croc, a little bit of focus, please!

-Splat.

-You just do your own job right, pretty boy.

Oh, and the defenders are at it again.

Gildar needs to concentrate on Dustin, not Thorne.

Ooh!

-Watch where you shoot that thing!

-I'm sorry, will I mess up your hair?

-Will they every learn?

-Kaplache. The pole's too much for Dustin.

But look, Thorne's almost too much for Gildar.

So Dustin finishes in 4.05 and he's through.

Next time, you're mine.

Making it through to the stockade...

So, six go through and six say goodbye.

It's a bit of a shame, isn't it? You become so attached, don't you.

I mean, brave little Orlando, and who could forget Beyonce Trixiebell.

No, neither of those attackers made it through to the stockade

because they were never in the tournament to begin with.

The six who made it might wish they hadn't - it's about to get splatty!

OK, this week Dom is doing the splat stats,

but as you can't even remember the attackers' names, is there any point?

How dare you?! Go on, test me.

-OK then, fastest attacker.

-Alex - 2.10.

-Favourite battle cry?

-Switzerland maxi-octopus, which was Olivia's.

-Best defender.

-Tinkor.

-I knew you weren't concentrating.

Tinkor hasn't been out yet.

Precisely. That's how pathetic Thorne, Crocness and Gildar were.

-All they do is argue.

-Fair enough, OK, then.

-Who will get the crown?

-Alex is twice as fast as his nearest rival.

This is true, as the leaderboard will confirm.

Yes, second place, Dustin, is almost two minutes behind Alex,

but they start from scratch in the stockade.

Yes, it's still anybody's game.

And anybody's crown.

Yes, the attackers start attached to the giant spinning hexagon.

When the klaxon sounds, they detach themselves and head towards

-the ladder rungs.

-These build the ladders they'll need to escape.

But the defenders will be pelting them with goo, slime and foam.

They can then grab one of only four flags

before escaping to victory.

And with only four flags, two attackers won't go any further.

It's not just the lack of flags getting in their way,

bring on the new defenders!

Skabb, he's barbaric but that's how he likes it.

Shaiden just splats and that's how she likes it.

Tinkor never visits and that's how we like it.

Beware of the ninja.

And the barbarian.

And the...the...the...Tinkor!

Even Tinkor doesn't know what he is.

Anyway, here are the attackers, Clare's in green.

Alex is in orange.

Dustin's wearing blue.

Skabb with bad hair, Shaiden primed with slime, Tinkor needs a bath.

Adrian in dark blue, Robyn in deep purple,

and Olivia in light purple with foam trimmings.

And they're off!

-And here we go.

-Abergavenny!

-Skabb back-splats Olivia.

-Slippy, is it, attackers?

Not just slippy, that annihilating arm has got it in for Alex.

It gets Olivia second time round.

She's being splatted from all angles at the moment.

Alex slides down the wheel with his second rung!

Splatty, Adrian slips off the arm and knocks Robyn off the wheel.

The wheel of misfortune for Robyn.

-Clare gets her first rung on the ladder.

-Here's Shaiden.

-Oh.

-Nice throw, little girl.

Shaiden won't like that!

But she misses again!

-Ahh!

-And so has Skabb, this missing is catching!

-Nice arm avoidance by Dustin.

-Nasty arm avoidance by Adrian.

-Down he goes.

-It's all getting a bit splotty.

-Shaiden now getting a bit slimy. Who's she got?

-It's Alex, in orange.

She needs to slow him down as his ladder is almost built!

Skabb rules, remember the face.

Don't know if Alex got all that, Skabb. Bit busy with the arm.

Skabb is like candy, sometimes I'm sweet, sometimes I'm sour.

-Have you been feeding him sugar?

-No, I won't make that mistake twice.

-Hey!

-Shaiden is sliming anything that moves,

although Robyn isn't really moving at all.

And now she's spotted someone else, it's Clare.

Splat! Skabb goos Adrian.

Robyn now takes a trip into the foam.

Tinkor is claiming that splat.

-Alex is the first to finish his ladder.

-Well done, Alex.

-This isn't a day at the zoo, hurry up.

-She's right,

they need to stop monkeying about and get a move on.

He's got the flag, attack him! Attackers, attack the attackers.

-Skabb, would you stop shouting?

-I don't shout!

The defenders are getting distracted allowing Alex an easy exit.

-He's the first one through to the final.

-Things are speeding up

as Dustin claims his second flag.

And Olivia finishes her ladder! So does Adrian.

-No, he doesn't!

-That one don't fit, attacker.

Dustin makes it to the final.

Clare's ladder is almost complete, this is exciting.

Two flags and four attackers left.

-Olivia has the third flag, what will happen next?

-Tinkor's crying.

He often gets emotional with one flag left, it's too much for him.

And Olivia has made it! She's also through to the final.

Clare now with her last rung, but she's got company.

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you, to see you slime!

That'll never work as a catchphrase.

Clare's at the top of the wheel

-and she has the last flag.

-And down she goes, over to her ladder.

One last parting splat for Adrian, and Clare is at the top

and she becomes today's fourth finalist.

Sorry, Robyn, you're out.

And she finally gets the message through to Adrian too.

They've got the message, they're through to the final!

After stockade, they're all a bit slimy.

So here they are, all clean and smiley.

They're also one step closer to that crown.

True, but that's like being one step closer to a doughnut on the moon,

-it's a long way off.

-Now I'm one step further away from a doughnut.

Honestly, you know what I mean, the attackers may be one step closer,

but the final course is the most challenging and splattiest of all!

So, I think you've got some more splat stats before that final.

Yes, Dustin has been consistent, he's come second in both rounds.

There's something you're forgetting about a little prediction I made?

Oh, right, yes, you predicted Alex would win the stockade.

Yes. He's now won the moat challenge AND the stockade,

-but do you think he'll win the final?

-A pie in the face says he does.

You're on. Right, let's meet the finalists who'll be stopping Alex.

No, the finalists who'll be losing to Alex.

So, here, our red-hot favourite Alex.

And the equally great Clare, Dustin and Olivia.

-Just stop when you've had enough.

-You can let go any time you like.

-Let's.

-Meet.

-The.

-Defenders.

-Here they are, Thorne.

-Crocness.

-Gildar.

-Tinkor.

-Shaiden.

-And Skabb.

Enough, let's call it a draw, shall we?

-We should get back to the final.

-Here's the course in all its majesty.

We start with a drop into the funky foam.

-Then up the teeter totters.

-Over the barrier of all barriers.

Onto the leaping lily pads.

The defenders can really up the splat count here.

Then it's up the water wall where the treasured crown of Splatalot awaits.

The defenders don't want anyone to get that far. But what's this?

-No battle cry?

-They're giving the attackers the silent treatment.

Alex is in orange, Dustin in blue, Clare in green, Olivia in purple.

They're off!

Straight into he funky foam.

Skabb's waiting for them. Splat! Yes, what a welcome for Clare and Olivia.

They head for the teeters.

Shaiden turns on the water cannon and has Dustin in her sights.

Will he teeter? Will he totter? Oh, yes.

Dustin claims the first of today's teeter totter splat triple whammies.

Oh! Clare claims the second.

How many teeter totter splat triple whammies have we got left?

-17 last time I looked.

-Thumbs up, thumbs down.

Skabb really doesn't like thumbs, does he?

Attackers, I don't mean to be rude but I'm getting bored over here.

-So sorry, Gildar(!)

-Thorne doesn't look bored,

he splats Olivia at close range.

-I'm having the slime of my life here.

-Did you tell him that one?

-No.

Olivia decides she'd rather be in the moat than have to listen to Thorne.

Now aiming for Dustin, he misses. Oh, but Dustin gets splatted anyway!

He's getting lots of attention from Skabb.

If you try going quickly it might help. Go quick, go, go, go!

Oh, hippy-sack! That coaching from Skabb really hasn't helped.

You're right, they're all teetering, except Clare, will she? Will she?

Will she?! Yes, she will.

That's a triple teeter totter splat triple whammy.

-How many have we got left now?

-I've lost count

Dustin, now the first to make it to the barrier.

Skabb is still on his case but he's hanging in there.

-Alex and Olivia still teetering.

-Thorne tries another long-range splat

but Dustin makes it onto a lily pad.

Ahh!

Skabb not happy about something.

Oh, look, Dom, here's your guy Alex in second place.

Ha! Now it's neck and neck.

Uh-oh, Gildar's vaporiser isn't working.

-If he could fume, he's be fuming!

-Tinkor! The guns aren't working!

There's not working! Why aren't they working?! I'm blowing air at them!

Gildar's in a right flap.

-They're not working! Oh, OK, thank you.

-And relax...

Back to the final, Dustin and Alex are getting slimed from all angles.

-The water cannon gets Alex.

-Which might help Dustin.

Olivia still teetering.

Dustin now makes a leap, it's still neck and neck with Alex.

Thorne, concentrating on Olivia.

Ready? One, two, three!

-The defenders slime and Dustin leaps.

-Thorne really has it in for Olivia.

He's stared her into the moat!

-Alex is down, Dustin is definitely ahead, Dom.

-He hasn't won yet.

Wow, see, Alex is now level again.

But Dustin leaps as Shaiden shoots, this is too close to call.

-Olivia and Clare, bringing up the rear.

-Ahh!

-Couldn't agree more.

-It's getting tense.

-Alex leaps but Dustin is already at the base.

The question is, can anyone stop Dustin?

-It's too late for Olivia and Clare.

-It could be too late for Alex too.

And Dustin's almost there! Come on defenders, stop him!

There's a pie in the face riding on this.

It's too late, Dustin's at the top, he's made it,

he's the new king of Splatalot, all hail King Dustin!

-Alex, what happened?

-Olivia and Clare can relax.

-Happy dance.

-Oh, yes, they hate seeing the happy dance,

-which makes King Dustin even happier.

-What a fantastic final!

And as I predicted all along, Dustin is our new king.

Oh, no, you don't. You know perfectly well you chose Alex.

-Did I?

-Yes, I think you'll find this pie has your name on it.

OK, it's just going to have to wait. There's so much more to see.

Look, it's time for...

Well, this splat just shows how the defenders can get to you.

Thorne wouldn't leave Olivia alone on the teeters,

all he had to do was stare at her and down she went.

-Ah! Now can I pie you?

-No! I mean,

how can I describe Dustin's journey to the crown with a foamy mouth?

You're right...I'll have to do it.

Well, our future king was certainly consistent.

He was second fastest in the moat challenge and also in the stockade.

But he went one better in the final, beating the favourite, Alex,

-to claim that all important Splatalot crown.

-I'm the king of the castle!

-Well done, Dustin.

-Yeah...well done, Dustin.

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