Episode 20 Splatalot

-Splatalot!

-Time to follow 12 attackers

as they mount an assault against the unstable defenders of Castle Splat,

-all to catch a purple cushion.

-Shiny crown!

-Shiny crown.

Will the Splatalot defenders see off the assault?

Or, as happens more than you might think,

will the attackers overcome them and claim the titular titfer?

Who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter

-and who will go...

-Splat!

-Hello, I'm Dick.

-He is. And I'm Dom.

-He is.

-And you're watching something that we like to call Spppppplatalot.

-Mm.

We also call it splendiferous.

-Spppppplat-tastic.

-Spleen-splittingly good.

-Do you really call it that?

-I do on a Tuesday.

-Fair enough.

Featuring some of the toughest courses ever!

So let's take a closer look.

It's three courses. For starter, the mouth-watering moat.

For main, the delicious delights of the stockade.

And for yummy pud, the crown round,

with coffee and crown to finish. Don't forget to leave a tip.

And that tip would be...?

Don't go away, or you'll miss the first round.

-The first round, you say? Tell me more.

-All right. I will.

Our attackers will start off by trying to walk on water!

Or walk on the pungent plank on the water, which is still tricky.

They'll try and make it up the slippery slope.

-More slippy than a frozen banana skin.

-Forward onto the rolling mace.

Spikier than a cactus with a poky stick.

-All whilst avoiding the splat-zooka.

-More, erm, zookery than...

Then the impossible incline.

-More impossible than double maths.

-Yeah! Next, the beastly battle-axes.

-Beastlier than Dom's onion bhaji bottom burps.

-Now you look here...

Then the rope bridge with the water cannon.

-Ropier and wetter than Dick's disastrous face.

-Oi!

-The debilitating disc takes us over the finish line.

-But that's not all.

No, the attackers will also face some awesome EastEnders.

I'm sorry, I'll say that again. Some awful defenders.

That's "awful" as in nasty, not rubbish.

Come to think of it, works both ways.

Love him or hate him, it's Tinkor.

Loves walks on the beach - it's Crocness.

-Loves himself...

-My name is Thorne.

Watch out, attackers.

For the giant battle-axes!

Ooh, tough times ahead for our attackers. Let's see how they get on.

Spppppplats away!

-I hear you're not feeling well, Croc.

-I'm a bit off today.

What does Tinkor suggest for medication?

Two parts Gildar hair, two parts slime.

-Other cold and flu remedies are available.

-Here's Eli.

I like cheese!

Well, ice man Eli should be at home on the cheesy, pungent plank.

Oh, he should have tried to cross more Caerphilly. Caerphilly!

-It's a cheese joke.

-The first of the day.

-I doubt it'll be the last.

-You like cheese?

-Well, say cheese!

-I was right.

-Ooh, Audi poke!

-Tinkor! Eeh! Ooh! Ah! Eeh! Oh!

Dick, check this out. Circle here, circle there,

and ta-da, Emmenthal button!

-Oh, I wanted to press that one.

-Hard cheese, buddy.

I thought I was the cheesy-gag merchant. Stick to being angry.

-Oi!

-That's better.

Eli at the rolling mace, and he needs to pick up the pace.

Ooh, sponge rubber!

Eli's back up and facing the incline.

Gently does it. He's finding his footing.

Oh, and now he finds himself in the hanky filler.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-I'm not thinking anything.

Typical! I'm thinking that could be Splat of the Day.

On to the battle-axes, and Eli's cutting it fine on the choppers.

Ooh, what a leap! And what a landing. He hangs on.

Thorne piles on the pressure, but Eli is over. His confidence is building.

Is that all I've got?! Of course not!

Oh, dear, maybe Eli was a tad overconfident.

Yes, taunting the defenders often leads to the daunting prospect

of a big, soft, creamy, cheesy splat. THORNE LAUGHS

And 9:25 might not be good enough

-for Eli, the cheese-loving ice man.

-Sounds like a CBeebies show.

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the oven!

-Oh, this could be good. Here comes hyper attacker Bradley.

-Twogbert!

Oh, brilliant, off the end of the plank and into the end of the slope.

Oh, Brad?

If you can't take the slime, stay out of the castle!

The question should be can he take the rolling mace?

-The answer is yes, really quickly.

-Ooh, into the splitties!

Stop showing off, young Bradley. You've got a castle to invade.

-Where did he go?

-There he is.

-Oh, yeah?

-He splats. He splits. He gives Thorne lip.

This kid is awesome!

-Woah!

-One of the fastest, funniest runs ever. Brad gets an amazing 2:02.

-Our next attacker is Holly.

-Peace out!

Well, that was hardly peaceful, now, was it?

Here's Holly at the bottom of the slope.

Still at the bottom. But she's now managing to...

-Well, no, stay at the bottom.

-Ooh, but this looks more promising.

-No, no, no, still at the bottom.

-Her feet get in a muddle,

and down she goes.

Her head tells her she should go up but her body decides down is best.

-And into the manooka she goes.

-Let's move on.

Holly has, she's moved on to the top of the rolling mace.

-Tink's got her in his sights.

-But Holly's on the move!

She's doing fantastic. Oh...

A new way of saying "hanging by a thread

"and then splatting in the moat."

Still, Holly's finished in a time of 6:11, which could be OK.

This is where evil meets medieval!

Carisa stormed the plank and the slope. You don't want to see THAT.

You want to see her getting splatted by Tinkor

as he does a mutant duck impression.

Gah! Ha!

Now, here's where Carisa went wrong.

A crawl on the mace leads to a fall from grace.

-Who's Grace? That's Carisa.

-I know, and this is Andrew.

-I like cookies!

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered,

Andrew has fought his way here to Castle Splat to tell us that?!

Each to their own.

If he likes cookies, does he like falling into freezing moats?

I hope so, otherwise he'll be very disgruntled.

-"Disgruntled"? That's not a word.

-Is so. Look in this handy dictionary.

Oh, yeah, so it is! So how does he get re-gruntled?

Watch your step!

Getting over the battle-axes should do it.

Ooh, pumplewart!

Oh, dear, that will mean a distinct lack of gruntlement for Andy.

Crocness, on the other hand, definitely feeling the gruntles.

But Andy ends up with a time of 5:10.

Looking pretty safe, especially compared to Carisa's 8:20.

She's got to be in the danger zone.

-Here's Sienna.

-Check it!

-Check what?

-Hey, Sienna!

-What?

-Check it!

Exeter!

Double Exeter! Oh, yes, a double Exeter on your bonce, girlfriend.

-Woah, Sienna's fighting back.

-Is that allowed?

-Perhaps.

Sienna now at the rope bridge. Crocky tries to distract her.

-Ooh, whilst Tink finishes her off.

-Nice one, Tink!

For all that, she's going to finish in a respectable time.

-We could be talking stockade.

-But for now, we'll stick to English.

Sienna finishes in a very good 4:11!

That was a surprise.

-I didn't think she'd make it.

-Well, she did, Thorne.

-In fact, they all did.

-And here are the times to prove it.

Bradley leads with 2:02.

Eli's the one to beat, with 9:25, but Carisa's feeling the heat, too.

She set fire to her pants? There's always one.

No! I mean "feeling the heat", as in a little bit nervous,

-because this lot will be after her place in the next round.

-Splooshy!

Let's check out the splatistics so far. Put on your splat hat.

No, no, no! This time, we'll be using the splatatron.

No splat hat? We haven't discussed this.

It doesn't matter about the splat hat.

-What is it?

-Well, a thing. Let's try it.

OK. Well, so far, Bradley is the fastest attacker...

Engage the splatatron!

..so far.

In fact, he is two minutes faster than his nearest rival, Sienna,

who is almost a minute faster...

Stop it! Just stop it! STOP IT!

Ooh! A bit overexcited, isn't he? Bless him.

Let's see if a recap calms him down.

Attackers went splat on the slope, the rope, the axe, the incline,

the disc and the slope again, which made Croc happy and Tinkor dance.

So, after all of that splatting,

these six contenders have done all they can. But will it be enough?

-Calmer now?

-Yes.

-Good! Then let's get cracking with the second half.

-Here's attacker number seven, Julia.

-I like purple dinosaurs!

-Oh, do you? I don't. That Barney bloke's a hooligan.

-Trout snobbery!

-Where?

-There.

There.

And there. Come on, Julia.

Julia's moved on from the pungent plank

to the terrifying rolling mace. Will she make it?

Oh, smirk urchin!

Now, Julia has coulrophobia, which is a fear of clowns.

I suspect she's now got terrifying-rolling-mace-o-phobia.

Ooh, what's that a fear of?

Stupid Dick!

-Julia, I ask you, are you ready?

-I think she is.

-So is Tinkor.

-Ooh, shot!

-Tinkor mistakes Thorne for an attacker!

-Awkward...

Back to Julia on the disc.

Oh, Bobby dangler! And there she is, off it.

Julia gets up close and personal with the moat again.

-But did that tug-of-war slow her down?

-Heave ho!

No, she gets a 5:09. That knocks out Eli and puts her in the top six.

-Now, who the splat is that?

-Ian!

I am so uncomfortable at the moment!

-Well, I think it's about to get uncomfortabler.

-Ian, say cheese!

Oh, such cruel taunts.

-TINKOR LAUGHS

-Tinkor!

That's it, Tinkor, make him feel even more unsettled.

Do I scare you, Ian?

Well, you should be.

Tell him to be scared, Thorne, but it's not going to work on Ian.

-Oh.

-I think you looked a bit too eager to jump in there.

-I have to agree with Thorne, which is weird.

-First time for everything.

But with a time of 5:56, Ian can relax, as he's through.

-My cookie!

-Does Patrick know he said that out loud?

-And he's off!

-Straight off...the plank, that is.

-Hang on, is he swimming the moat?

Is that even legal?

What kind of splatting obstacle course are we running?

-We'll check back with Patrick later. Here's Drita.

-Turkey Lurkey!

Drita likes turkey, orange and Angelina Jolie...

-..sandwiches.

-She doesn't like the plank.

DRITA SHRIEKS

Unless those are chilling screams of excitement.

-DRITA SHRIEKS

-Everyone, let's do a Drita scream.

Drita scream. One, two, three...

THEY ALL SCREAM

Whilst the defenders play, Drita's away.

What does she think this is, Splat-a-less?

If they stop shooting, they'll start talking,

and none of us want that, now, do we?

Ooh, bum-bum-b-bum-bum-bum!

Tink splats Drita whilst her back is turned.

She doesn't like that. Check out the roar.

DRITA ROARS It's like a dino roar, yes?

Whatever it is, it's a final roar for Drita,

as she has just run out of time.

So long, screaming Drita.

Now here's Patrick again. Thank Hank he stopped swimming everywhere,

otherwise I really think I might have lost it.

-Dick, would you take the mic for a moment?

-Certainly, dear.

DOM SCREAMS

-Oogy poogy pandas!

-A battle cry as terrifying as it is confusing.

-Ah, you're back, Dom. Hello.

-Hello. What do we have here?

Taylor, AKA Giggles. And Tinkor, AKA Creepy Giggles.

Taylor sets off down the mace and...

-Ooh, festering gimboids!

-Well, I'd go as far as to say

-"spiky festering gimboids".

-Fair enough.

-Attack of the purple monkey!

-What a battle cry.

A big hand for Jamie, our final attacker for this round.

Hm, his hands don't look that big from here.

Unless he's huge and we're further away

and he's competing in a special giant castle.

No, none of the above. Jamie's on the mace.

Ooh, near miss from Tink, but Jamie's on his way.

-And funt nugget!

-The mace takes down another victim.

Jamie's round the course. He's on the disc.

-Tink takes a shot.

-Thorne catches it! Impressive.

Look what you made me do. You distracted me.

Thorne, back into the groove, knocks Jamie into the moat.

Nice one, Thorne!

For somebody who likes monkeys, you'd expect youse to be better

-at swinging from a rope.

-As you can see, Jamie's cut up about that.

He and Taylor console themselves with the fact that they're through.

Dom, close your eyes, it's Patrick!

-What's he doing?

-Not that much.

-Is he swimming?!

Er, no, no, no, he's sort of, erm, er, sort of, er, standing.

-Your legs aren't long enough.

-Why would he need longer legs?

-To give himself a kick up the bum.

-He's not making progress.

But at least he's not swimming. He's more lunging.

Oh, look at that! That's quite impressive, doing that for so long.

But we do want to get home in time for tea tonight!

-Oi, you, fall off!

-You can't say that!

-I can! And did!

Ooh! And he has.

Your legs aren't long enough.

-He has a DNF, which means...

-..Does Not Fiddling know the difference

between a moat challenge and a swimming gala.

-And Did Not Finish.

-That, too. So, the moat challenge is complete.

They'll go through to the second round,

the perfect splat storm that is the stockade!

Splats. Sploshes. Gooings.

-"Gooings"?!

-And lots more, only on Splatalot.

Are you going to give us the splatistics for this round?

-No!

-Oh, go on.

-You do it.

-All right, then, I will.

Brad had the fastest time this round, with a super-speedy 2:02,

almost three times as fast as Taylor,

who came in with a time just under six minutes.

Ugh! Even nearest competitor Sienna was only half as fast

as breakneck Bradley. Ugh... Over to you, Dom.

And in case you didn't catch that, here's who's through.

But only four of them will proceed to the final.

The other two will stay in the stockade forever and ever!

-I told you, we do not keep the losers in the stockade.

-Sorry.

We keep them in the medieval chariot park.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It starts with a giant spinning hexagon,

which should have a cooler name.

The attackers then try to grab rungs in order to complete their ladders.

Then they grab a flag and race up the battlements.

Thus securing their place in the Capture the Crown round.

But spinning hexagons aren't the only scary things they'll have to face.

Bring on the defenders!

-Here's our bizarre bird man...

-One flap and you're on your back!

..Kookaburra,

followed by the feisty fighter Shaiden.

And finally, it's the mouthy menace.

-Ballista!

-Cheeky!

-Bring it on, attackers!

-We dare you!

-Kook!

-Yeah, leave her alone, Kook.

-We dare you.

The attackers wait, steely-eyed, for the klaxon.

Bradley in the pink helmet, Sienna with a red stripe,

Julia in the green, Andrew in the blue,

Taylor in the yellow and Jamie in dark green.

I foresee green/dark green mistaken-identity hilariosity.

-The defenders looking focused.

-Scared? You better be.

KLAXON And they're off.

Kook unleashes the goo and his hideous laugh.

Taylor lunges for a pod and plunges to the floor.

Shaiden is frothing and foaming away.

Kook goos someone. Is that Andrew?

-Who wants to taste snot?

-Yes, Ballista did say that. Charming(!)

Check out this oozy booty slide

from the panda-loving Taylor. Schmeeky peeky!

Hey, Ballista! I wanted to ask, I've got a little crush on Shaiden.

-Oh? Ha-ha!

-Do you know anything that she might like?

-Ooh, so Kook's trying to impress Shaiden?

-She loves your dancing.

Uh-oh, I've a terrible feeling about this.

Meanwhile Sienna's doing quite well. She's got her first rung in place.

Oi! Back off, Ballista!

Oh, no! I can't watch this.

SHE MOUTHS:

They're mocking him! Naughty, evil villainesses!

Oh, Kook! That dancing's awesome!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-You like it?

-Awesome.

-Ye-eah!

OK, back to the attackers. Bradley's up on a pod...and off.

Oh, yes! A chance to press the disco button!

-Mm-ah! Mm-ah!

-Is anyone taking this round seriously?

Go Kook, Go Bradley, 'avin' it!

You aren't supposed to dance! Attack!

Exactly, I agree with the angry baddie.

It's time for these defenders to knuckle down

and start splatting.

But the attackers are splatting themselves quite well.

Big leap by Bradley!

-And Andrew!

-While Sienna sneaks a rung.

Taylor goes for the pod and past the pod.

Here's Bradley with another rung. Sienna too!

What are they up to?

Just good, honest splatting. It's all right.

It's not working!

Sienna's almost finished her ladder. That's not going to go down well.

-Here's a make-over!

-Spurge!

A bucket of Ballista's best goes all over Sienna's bonce.

But, despite that, she's completed her ladder.

-Bradley's trying to keep up.

-Sienna's got the first flag.

And Brad's got his last rung. No, he doesn't like that one!

They don't all fit. He needs the right choice.

Hotting up now. Defenders piling on the pressure.

Sienna is through! She has escaped the stockade

and is the first in the final.

-Bradley has a flag.

-Sienna's celebrating.

Bradley's about to join her.

-He's also through to the final.

-Yes, he's pretty happy too.

-Defenders, full attack!

-Should've been from the start.

Bad defenders! Smacky botty!

-Kooks, looking for a splat.

-Jamie's a candidate.

But Ballista butts in and slimes him first. Can he hold on? No!

Maybe Andy will do better. He's got his rung... Worcester!

-I've disarmed him!

-He really did.

Let's see that again. So, here's Andy with a rung in his hand

and it all goes RUNG for him.

Nothing RUNG with Kook's accuracy.

Look, two RUNGs don't make a right, all right?

Here's Andrew with the third flag.

Ballista won't slow him down.

Julia has completed her ladder and Jamie's not far behind.

-Andrew's our third attacker through.

-Oh, yes. He's flappy and happy.

We're down to one spot remaining with three attackers left.

Jamie's finishing his ladder. Taylor's leaping for rungs.

And Julia's just grabbing flags. More precisely, the last flag.

She heads for the top.

And she's there! That's it, we have our four fabulous finalists.

Which means it's the multi-storey for you, Taylor and Jamie.

Oh, what a round! So, going through are:

Brave attackers all. But can they handle the capture the crown round?

The final challenge is tough, rough and, er...gruff.

But for the attackers, it's worth all of that,

to wear the crown of Splatalot.

-So, any predictions?

-Oh, you betcha.

Aries with Venus in the seventh house.

Today, the world will be your oyster. Too bad you're allergic to shellfish.

-No!

-Yes, it's written in the stars. Libra, beware otters. Scorpio...

No, no. That's the wrong prediction.

-Oh!

-I mean, what do you think's going to happen next

-in Splatalot?

-Oh, as in who will win the crown?

-Yes.

-And who will get a good splatting?

-Yes, come on.

-Give me a proper prediction, not this star-sign rubbish.

-Right, well,

-I think you will get a good splatting.

-Right.

-See?

I predicted that. As for who will win, it will be one of this lot.

Our four contenders are:

-Thanks for those.

-No problem.

Remember, standing in between them and the crown are this lot.

Tinkor, Thorne, Crocness.

Shaiden, Ballista, Kookaburra.

-The dreadful defenders!

-He means the dreaded defenders.

-Oh no I don't!

So, here's the course in more detail.

Slide down the pole, into the mud baths,

over the slippy slides and onto the titanic teeter-totters.

Bounce over the barrier of all barriers and leap onto the lily pads,

before whizzing up the water wall and clapping hands on the crown.

So, that's Andrew in blue, Julia in green,

Sienna in purple and Bradley, looking relaxed in pink.

So, how do the defenders look? Horrible.

-At least they're not chanting.

-Raid, raid, raid, raid...

Oh, my mistake. The scary, disorganised muttering has begun.

HORN BLARES

So has the final round. Off they go!

-Sienna and Bradley, a good start...

-Watch the foam!

-..and a good splatting.

-Bradley takes the slide in his stride.

He takes an early lead on the totters.

Whereas Andrew and Julia take an early behind on the slides.

-Andrew not doing well on those.

-Unless your definition of

doing well is repeatedly face-splatting them.

-The attackers hit the teeters.

-And the defenders hit the attackers.

-Situation - normal.

-Bradley and Sienna under heavy splat-fire.

But check it out. They may wibble and wobble but they don't fall down.

And Andrew and Julia make it over the slides. They're all doing so well!

Bradley strikes out. Oh, but sticks on.

Andrew tests the teeter on his totter.

As Tink splats Thorne!

It's friendly fire!

-Second time today.

-We're all on the same team.

Yeah, but Thorne is really annoying. You can see how it happens.

Andrew's on his way.

Whoa! Carbuncles! After all that teeter testing and everything.

-You see, what Andrew did wrong there was he fell off.

-Very wise.

You know, guys, the crown...it's not in the water.

They know!

-They do know, don't they?

-I don't know, dear.

They are spending an awful lot of time in there, aren't they?

Maybe they think Kook's bluffing, trying to throw them off.

Fuzzleshucker! They're throwing themselves off.

-Ridiculous behaviour.

-Kook takes aim.

Bradley takes his chances but splats and burns.

Tink once more doling out the splats to his own team.

-You got me!

-You need to check yourself, little man!

He get's Shaiden and a load of verbal form Thorne. Uh-oh!

Back to the totters.

Looks like that distraction was just what Bradley was looking for.

-He's up on to the barrier.

-Looking pretty comfortable.

Shaiden looks pretty narky.

He goes for the leap and makes the lily pad.

Which in turn turns the water wall on, unleashing soggy hell!

Brad going strong, despite the vaporiser and Kook and Ballista's

double-handed slidey-splat manoeuvre.

-A move illegal in four countries.

-Thorne on the splatapult.

-That's the lethal launcher.

-You are a total pokey-nose.

We should be watching the action. Andrew's made it to the pads.

-Splatapult's a much better name.

-Whatever! Brad's charging ahead.

Are the other attackers going to take this lying down?

-They might have to.

-Bradley climbs the wall

and approaches the crown of Splatalot.

-They think it's all over and they're right.

-All hail King Bradley!

-He said all hail, not all act grumpy.

-Oh, well, at least Brad's happy.

What a tremendous final! Well done, King Brad.

And now we'd like to take a look back at the show.

-So we can pick our splat of the day.

-Ah, yes and the winner is...

BOTH: Taylor!

For her exceptional performance on the rolling mace.

She came, she ran, she splatted a spike.

And the sound department went splatting crazy with the cowbell.

Taylor, we salute you.

Not even King Bradley himself could pull off a splat like that.

Let's have a look at how he claimed his crown.

There was success on the rolling mace.

Then splits on the incline.

Me and my pink helmet shall defeat you!

And taunts on the debilitating disk.

Then in round two, there was dancing on the hexapods

advancing to the next round and entrancing splats in the final.

All in a day's work, eh, Your Highness?

-Phew! All that's left to say is I'm Dick.

-I'm Dim.

-And we are all splatted out.

-Goodbye.

I'm the king of the castle!

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