Episode 19 Splatalot

-It's splat time!

-Today, 12 brave young warriors will enter Splatalot

to go head-to-head with the dastardly defenders

as they battle it out to capture the highly coveted crown of Splatalot.

Will the defenders keep the castle safe and protect Splatalot?

Or will the attackers reign victorious?

So, who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter

and who will go...splat?

-Hello. I'm not Dom.

-And I'm not Dick.

-And this isn't Blue Peter.

-What else is this not?

-That would take too long.

Easier to say that this is Splatalot, the modern-day medieval game show

that pits 12 feisty young attackers against evil moat-dwelling defenders.

The prize at the end is the much-treasured crown of Splatalot.

By the end of the show, there will be a new king or queen.

But we don't just hand the crown over to any Tom, Dick or Dom.

They have to earn it over three rounds.

Round one, the moat challenge. Only the six fastest survive.

Round two, escape the stockade. Only four will succeed.

And round three, the grand final, where there can be only one winner.

And that's not what Splatalot isn't.

-Pardon?

-Double negative.

-Oh. OK.

So should I or shouldn't I suggest

that we don't not take a look at the first round in more detail?

-Er... No, I suggest we shouldn't not.

-Right.

While I work out what that means, here's the challenge in more detail.

We begin with the baffling barrels,

then up the slippery slope to the rolling mace.

Keep an eye out for the splat-zooka, though.

Then it's down the impossible incline

and across the beastly battle-axes.

This time, you'll have a high-powered water cannon for company.

Then it's over the rope bridge of disaster.

Onto the perilous pole vault to finish at the castle entrance.

You'd think that would be enough.

But think again, because this isn't just about the attackers.

No, no. No, no, no, no! It's also about this lot.

Please welcome the Splatalot defenders.

They're lean, mean and generally unclean.

In round one, it'll be the crafty and cranky Crocness,

the feathery, bird-brained Kookaburra.

-I'm going to be the Thorne in your side!

-And our prickly friend Thorne.

Do you think they remember each other's birthdays?

I doubt they remember each other's names.

-But they never forget to slow down the attackers.

-And here's Marco.

-Red orange juice! WHOO!

-Marco, full of energy. This is against the clock.

-It's time you took a swim in the moat!

-No, there's no time for...

-Oh.

-It looks like there IS time. You really shouldn't listen to Thorne.

-Now, what mood is Kookaburra in?

-Marco, how you doing, buddy?

That's good. I'm looking forward to blasting you today.

He's polite enough, but that's just the Kook before the storm.

That's what I'm talking about, Thorney. That's how we roll.

Well, Marco's getting splatted, but he's made it to the base.

-My name is Thorne, not Thorney.

-OK, I apologise, Thorney. I mean Thorne.

Oh, Thorney not happy with Kookie, and now Marco's...

Oh, he's in the lentils.

Full marks to the mace for leaving its mark on Marco.

Do you want to bump fists?

-Why not?

-Yes!

-They seem to have made up. Time for Crocness to get involved.

-Hi, Marco.

Marco now has three defenders to worry about.

-Ooh, floppy flat-wrangler!

-Now, what was Marco thinking?

He leaps for the battle-axes but misses and dives into the wall.

Impressive. Pointless, but impressive.

Well, he's OK for now, but Kookaburra is splatting him repeatedly.

-Bad luck, Marco, Kook's already in the zone.

-Yes! I thank you.

Not sure if Marco should be lying down on the job, though.

Looks like you've got something on your face.

-Want me to wash it off?

-Yeah!

-Marco getting lippy.

-Oh, grubby twizzler!

-Now he's getting slippy.

And that's why they named it the rope bridge of disaster.

-Come on, Marco, just the pole-o to go.

-Marco, how do you like it?

You mean apart from the cannon, the slippery pole and the moat?

-He's still holding on.

-Indeed he is,

and Marco holds on to finish in a reasonable time of 5:31.

-That could be good enough.

-See you next time!

-I'll see you on the next level!

-Here's Julian. He likes juggling.

How about barrelling?

Hogwash! Julian slips at the last barrel.

Like falling at the first hurdle, but totally different.

-The slope... Kook and Thorne await.

-How you doing, brother?

Welcome, Julian. Do you think you're tough enough for the crown?

Basildon! Thorne and Kook testing Julian in their own sweet way.

But Julian is passing their test. Look at him go! He's over the mace!

But he's overshot the incline, the fuzz dangler.

Yep, you pass one test then find an even harder one round the corner.

But he's made it to the perilous pole vault.

Give him some of that shower power!

-Hope you can swim!

-He might not need to.

Oh, baldy ding-dang flip-flops.

He may have fallen at the last,

but he crosses the finishing line with a time of 5:50.

-I made it! I beat you!

-No, it didn't quite look like that.

-Lime green rice!

-Well, Danielle seems to be a colourful character.

# Danielle, welcome to the castle! #

-Redditch!

-How are you, Danielle?

-Do you think Kook really cares?

-Course he does.

He really cares about knocking Danielle off that mace.

-Monkey fillet!

-Kook actually misses Danielle,

but that mace never misses a chance to throw someone into the moat.

At the incline... Kook fires and hits.

Danielle runs, trips.

-Grubby wizard!

-In slow motion, it's quite a graceful little dive.

Shame that counts for nothing.

Well, Danielle graced us with her presence for 9:25,

which could put her in the danger zone.

-I ride bikes!

-Well, he also rode across the barrels and up the slope.

But he's losing his balance on the mace.

Crabnuts!

-Defend the castle, Croc.

-I'm trying.

See this girl? She's silent but she's deadly.

Yeah, just like a fart, buddy.

-Mm, Croc not happy with that remark.

-Wiggy!

-Travis also overshoots the incline.

-No-one's made it over yet.

You think you're going to be king of this castle?

Tell us, then.

Whoop-a-doing! Describe that move.

Well, it was part kangaroo, part duck-billed platypus.

-Or "platyroo" for short.

-Better run, Travis.

-There he goes!

Flail, flail!

Well, Kook's right, a lot of flailing, then a lot of falling.

He finishes in five minutes dead. When I say "dead", I don't...

-Dinos unite!

-Here's our fifth attacker, Jenn, now on the slope.

Slowly... Slowly...

Catchee monkey!

Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey!

Just stay still so I can do another one, please.

There's your answer. He won't stop doing it.

Here she is at the mace. And beefy milkshake!

Jenn's into circus skills, but that mace isn't clowning around.

-Ever thought about joining the circus?

-Ha ha(!)

Will she come a cropper at the choppers?

Bangle lap!

What circus skills does she have, exactly?

Oh, great. Not funny.

No-one's laughing at that time. Jenn is the second fastest so far.

-Beware of the unitard!

-Hi, Dominic.

-Hello!

-No, the attacker's name is Dominic.

Vorsprung!

-His name's Dominic Vorsprung?

-This could be a long round.

-All right, Dominic.

-Kook aims, fires and...

Alfreton!

-Another perfect splat from Kook.

-Dominic...

-Yes?

Attacker Dominic almost over the mace, but...

-Squinty glut!

-"Almost over" -

that's just a kind way of saying "in the moat".

-How will he cope with Crocness?

-Want a nice shower?

It's "nice" I'm having trouble with.

-Dominic's having trouble with the bridge.

-How about

"Want a nasty cold shower to force you off the rope bridge?"?

That's what she should have said.

Meanwhile, Dom has finished with a time of 5:25.

So, we're halfway through round one,

and five of our attackers have posted times under six minutes.

-Travis leads with a time of five minutes dead.

-He's not dead.

And Danielle is in danger, with 9:25.

But at this stage in the competition, no-one is safe.

Remember, only the six fastest go through,

with six more attackers to come. It's anyone's game.

Yes, it's on a knife edge, not to mention a barrel edge,

a rolling mace edge, a moat edge and a battle-axe edge.

Wow, this show's so edgy!

So, let's look at the first half in more depth.

Travis is currently the fastest, with a time of five minutes.

He also is now affectionately known as Platyroo.

Oi! Jenn is in second place.

And now has a bit of a reputation for clowning around.

Take it off! But Danielle is in the danger zone.

She likes lime green rice but won't like her time of 9:25.

That was the first half in more depth.

-Wouldn't it just be easier to show the leaderboard?

-Oh, yes. Er, right.

Confirmation that Travis is in the lead,

but there's a gap between the rest and Danielle

in that vulnerable sixth place.

Yes, with only 50 seconds separating the top five,

it's all too close to call!

Yeah, and I think we're too close to the camera now. Come on, back it up.

No! Too close, I tell you! Mm!

While Dom calms down, let's return to the moat. The defenders are ready,

and so is our next attacker.

I am a banana warrior!

That's my favourite battle cry so far, Syd.

Er, it's Sydney. And she crosses the barrels like a true banana warrior.

Whoo, Sydney! You're a fast one!

I suspect Kook has plans to slow her down.

-Boof!

-Cheadle!

-How are ya? My name's Kook.

You can call me Kook.

Thank you! What was that?

Well, she can ask, but the paint balls keep coming, and...

-Wimple tweezers! Into the moat!

-She tries to hold on,

but holding on simply guarantees a trip into the badoosh.

-Bad luck, Syd.

-Sydney!

She was good on the barrels, not so good on the mace.

-How about the battle-axes?

-Crosses them with ease.

-And the bridge?

-Ooh, crunkle fest!

-And the replay shows

that Sydney had paint balls and the water cannon to deal with.

But 3:17 is the fastest time today. Well done, Syd.

For the last time...

it's Sydney!

Purple horses!

Nicole likes purple horses,

but will she like blue Thorne and purple Kookaburra?

-Come on, Nicole, we're waiting.

-We are.

-There's Nicole! That's the pretty face I want to see!

-Scared, Nicole?

-I would be, looking at Thorne.

-Oh, no...

Drumfield! Well, Kook manages to splat Nicole AND offend Thorne.

-That's multiskilling.

-Biridin-baby! Bad luck, Nic.

-Oi, do you want another pie?

-No. Sorry, Nicola.

-She hates you.

-I wouldn't like me after that.

-A great jump down the incline.

-Woah, you got skills!

She has, but she'll need them to cross those axes.

-I can see you, Nicole.

-Yes, Croc, so can we.

Ooh, squat drops!

Not any more!

A fine contender for Splat of the Day,

but despite a great start, Nicole has run out of time

-and won't go through.

-Here's our next attacker.

-Purple penguins rule!

What's with all this purple today?

-How you doing there, sweetheart?

-Belfast!

Well, Kook's having a purple patch.

-Hey!

-Hey, you can't throw that back!

What's Kook's response? Fife!

Fife! Fife!

-Fife!

-Good.

-Quite a response.

-Has it put her off her stride?

-Fishy spittle, yes, it has!

-Kook and the rolling mace,

-what a dastardly, devious double act.

-Bum-bums!

-Thank you!

-But what's this? Olivia's still throwing paint balls!

-Don't mess up my hair!

-Can Olivia make it over the axes?

-Midaddy!

-I don't think you'll be seeing any purple penguins today!

Crocness knows how to put a downer on things.

It gets worse - Olivia's just run out of time, too. She's out.

Oh, look, purple penguins.

Waffle king!

-"Waffle king"?!

-That's funny, I thought YOU were the king of waffle.

Maybe I am. If you look at it from...

Stop waffling. Ooh, no waffling from Kook.

-What are you doing with that ammunition?

-You can't do that!

-He's got a paint ball. It's throwing the defenders.

-Here comes a splat.

-Connor throws the paint ball!

-It may have distracted Thorn and Kook,

but the mace is having none of it.

-Skull chugger!

-That was a great showdown with the defenders,

but it cost him too much time, so Connor is out.

-Here's Derek!

-D-Reckz, what's happening?

-D-Reckz, AKA King Derek.

-How you going, brother? You all right?

You're going to fall in the moat, that's what.

Can Derek prove Thorne wrong?

-Cratchety flatchet! No, he can't.

-Too much speed across the mace,

-then no room to put on the brakes.

-Meet Crocness on the water cannon.

You don't look cold enough, Derek.

You know what they say, Derek - what goes up must come down.

Yep, and that's you going down.

It seems all the defenders want to do is talk poor Derek into the moat.

If I had to listen to them, the moat might seem the best option.

Despite all that, he finishes in 4:32. D-Reckz might still be king.

-Don't know what that dance is about.

-Multi meatballs!

-Steven! How you going, mate?

-Oof!

-Not too good. A little bit wet.

Poor young Steven barely gets a chance to start

-before Kook starts on him.

-The barrels are hard enough without Kook.

-# Steven! #

-Oh, dear, Kook sings, and splat.

Steven must be a music lover.

He simply couldn't deal with that bum note from Kookaburra.

-# Come on, Steven, let's go! #

-More singing from Kook, and...

-Floppy ham!

-Let's hope Kook doesn't release any singles.

Yes, but we have to release Steven, as his time won't cut it.

That's the end of round one. Let's see who's through to the stockade.

Impressive. Sydney was over a minute faster than the other attackers.

But everyone starts from scratch in the stockade,

which means that crown could still be anybody's.

-So expect more action, excitement and tension.

-Not to mention

-more splatting.

-Don't, then.

-Don't what?

-Mention it.

Now, in honour of the musically challenged Kookaburra,

here is world-famous tenor Dickie Splatterotti

with a summary of round one,

accompanied by me on the kazoo.

# Ah!

# Sydney the banana warrior

# She's fast and nothing worries her

# D-Reckz is a happening attacker

# Who happens to be called Derek, if that matters

# There's Travis the kangaroo platypus

# And Jenn, who belongs in a cir-coose

# That leaves us with Dom and Marco

# Who make six, but only four can go through! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. In case that made no sense whatsoever,

here's the leaderboard again.

Remember, the four attackers who survive this round

will be competing for the crown in the grand final...

Trousers.

To escape the stockade, the attackers have to cross the barrels

and leap on the mini hexagons.

Where they can reach up for the ladder rungs to make their ladders.

All this time, the stockade will be filling up with foam and water.

Then they can grab one of four flags before making their escape.

So, six attackers, but only four flags.

Yes, that is the evil genius behind this round -

two attackers are going home.

And talking of evil geniuses...

He's a genius show-off, the one and only Gildar.

She's a genius scaremonger. Say hello to Knightriss.

-And finally, the grimy and slimy...

-Tinkor!

He's a genius at avoiding showers.

-It's not going to be pretty!

-Yes, I am.

-Yes, it's the defenders!

-Don't you just love Gildar?

Sydney's in the yellow stripe, Derek wears orange,

Jennifer has the red stripe, Travis has gone for pink.

That attracts the attention of Tinkor and Gildar.

Dominic has the orange stripe, and Marco is in all yellow.

-KLAXON

-The klaxon sounds.

And Knightriss starts foaming.

How will the attackers deal with this?

Marco's made a confident start.

He needs one, after finishing last in the moat.

Ooh, Gildar with a good grenade splat. And Marco leaps for cover!

Ooh, even more goo from Gildar!

Warwick!

That splat actually knocked Sydney off her barrel.

The foam and the tension are rising. Gildar switches to the slime stick.

-And splats Derek off his hexagon.

-Gildar has done it again. Thank you!

-Dominic...

-Yes?

-No, attacker Dominic has his first rung.

-Gentlemen, some help, please!

-Gildar to the rescue with another goo grenade.

-A good shot. High five.

-They're the Chuckle Brothers.

-Splat me.

-Splat you.

-Gildar?

-Yes?

-You seem to have something on your face!

-Don't touch me!

-Gildar is having a bad hair day.

-Sydney now has a rung, and Dominic...

-Yes?

-..makes another leap.

Travis now collides with Marco. Yes, he's really got him over a barrel!

-Quite literally! Geddit?

-Yes, boss...

Miss Sassy! Yes, you! Take some of this!

-Knightriss is now in a right lather. Literally!

-Calm down with the puns.

But she's really got it in for Jenn with that foam cannon.

Gildar's got it in for Derek whilst Derek's mid-jump.

Sums up this show. You won't see that anywhere else.

-Tinkor's now up to something.

-Looks like Derek's on the receiving end.

Yoo-hoo, orange! Say cheese!

Mm, orange cheese and slime. Tinkor at his best there.

Dominic can't stop leaping and now he can't escape Knightriss.

Knightriss is waiting for you!

Sydney is making progress with her ladder.

But Tinkor is defending his little heart out.

-Wham-shacker!

-Derek's showing us how to leap...the hard way.

How about Travis? Good leap, and a splat into the foam.

Here's a bird's-eye view. No, make that a Derek's-eye view.

Who's Tinkor sliming?

-Dominic!

-Yes?

-I'm ignoring you...

We think that's Marco with another rung.

Hard to tell with all this foam.

It hasn't stopped him leaping. Great effort!

Look out for the domino effect here.

Marco leaps and tags Sydney, who hits Derek, and down they go.

None of that slows Marco down. He's leaping, climbing and building.

That's his last rung.

And as a special treat, Tinkor gives him a thorough sliming.

-Marvellous!

-Yes, Tinkor really is a little slime ball.

TINKOR LAUGHS

Things are hotting up now as Marco grabs the first flag.

And just behind is Dominic. Don't say anything!

-Marco is on his way up.

-Oh, Travis has the third flag. Only one left.

Marco makes it to the top and wins the second round.

Dominic rushes over to his ladder and makes it through in second.

Narrowly beating Travis. What a race!

Now it gets nail-biting. Who will grab the last place in the final?

Jennifer's finished her ladder, but Sydney and Derek still need rungs.

-Gildar, sassy!

-Sassy?

-Get Sassy!

-Where?

-There!

And Jennifer has the last flag.

She's heading towards her ladder. Look at Gildar!

He's still furious about Tinkor messing up his hair.

It won't bother Jenn, as she's through to the final.

-And it's farewell to Derek and Sydney.

-So we have our finalists,

who take in a peek at the final course.

They'll be mighty relieved right now. They've overcome two big challenges.

But we've saved the toughest till last.

All six defenders will be protecting the crown in the final,

plus the obstacles get bigger.

They don't get any bigger than the titanic teeter-totters.

Our brave attackers must get over them

and past the defenders to claim that crown.

Go on, then, Dick, splat me with some splat stats. Here's your hat.

OK. Well, we said goodbye to Sydney and D-Reckz in the stockade.

They were the fastest in the moat challenge,

so it just goes to show that speed isn't everything on Splatalot.

In fact, Marco, who finished last in round one,

then went on to win round two, so he could well be the new favourite.

The defenders have been well behaved today - not much bickering.

But that could all change now.

Doesn't take much to set them off, especially when all six are involved.

Ah! Take your hat off. Back to the attackers.

Dominic, Jennifer, Marco and Travis are today's finalists.

The end of the show is in sight.

Oh, yes, but not before we see a whole lorry-load more splatting,

courtesy of the guys we love to hate but we secretly love...a bit.

They are Knightriss, Thorne, Tinkor, Crocness, Gildar and Kookaburra.

And of course there's the course.

Ooh, clever.

Our four brave warriors start with a cleansing mud bath.

They slide over the slippy slides towards the teeter-totters.

The barrier of all barriers and the leaping lily pads await.

But beware, the defenders are well armed.

The water wall is then all that separates them from the crown.

Well, the defenders are getting into position. Gildar's washed his hair.

So let's see the attackers.

Dominic is in orange and blue, Marco is in yellow,

then Travis is in pink and Jennifer in purple and orange.

KLAXON

There's the klaxon. They're into the mud bath!

Thorne and Kookaburra are waiting to hose them down with foam.

There's "snow" way out. Geddit? "Snow" way out.

Cos it looks a little bit like snow.

It's "snow" time for puns, Kook, this is the final.

Marco has the dubious honour of being the first off the teeters.

Dominic just holding on, but Crocness slimes him off! Splat!

Travis is the next to teeter, and they're all starting to fall!

Jenn still up...

-Woah, no, she isn't.

-So the teeters once more claim four victims.

Dominic now making progress, until Tinkor splats him.

Yes, the replay reveals top work from Tinkor,

-with an ankle-biting paint ball.

-Yes, Tinky! High ten! Ha!

Oh, splat! Marco is down again.

These teeters are really taking their toll.

And so is Thorne now as he vaporises Dominic.

Oh, and Gildar is adding more slime to the paint balls. Is that allowed?

-Dawlish!

-Puddler!

Load it up again. Load it up again!

Marco won't like this new tactic.

The defenders seem to have the upper hand in these early stages.

Travis, nearly...

No, he's off.

-Crocness still sliming Dominic.

-Kookaburra has his sights on Marco.

Plymouth!

-And the poor lad's down again.

-Marco must be wondering what's going on.

The poor lad has been splatted three times now in exactly the same place.

-Travis totters again. Jenn looks more balanced.

-Newquay!

-A lesser warrior would have been knocked down, but not Jenn.

-Ooh! Oh!

And she makes it to the barrier.

But slides back, and the rules state she has to start all over again.

So, can Travis capitalise on that?

Yes, yes, yes...

-No.

-Dominic's on top of the barrier. But Knightriss has spotted him!

-No, my dear! There's no stopping.

-He leaps, and yes, he's onto a lily pad.

But the defenders will be on to him now.

Jenn still can't get over the barrier. But what about Travis?

He succeeds this time. Come on, Platyroo! He leaps.

And yes, he's onto a lily pad, joining Dominic.

It's not easy, is it, my boy?

Understatement of the year from Knightriss.

-But Dominic is making progress.

-Marco's heading for the barrier.

-He's up!

-But he slides straight over!

You have to plant two feet onto the barrier, so that won't be allowed.

Dominic plants both elbows on the platform, which IS allowed.

Jenn is still teetering skilfully, but she's way behind Marco,

who is approaching the water wall.

Jenn won't give up, but Marco is now even further ahead.

-Too late for Travis.

-Possibly, but it's definitely too late for Marco.

Jenn is on the barrier at last, but Dominic has finished his climb.

He reaches for the crown. And it's all over! History has been made!

Go on, say it. Say it!

OK, all hail King Dominic...

I'm the king! Who's the king? Yes, I am the king. That's who. The king!

You are not the king.

Ha-ha, are you the king? No, I'm the king. Ah, is Dick the king?

No! Dom's the king.

I'll never hear the end of this. Here's Splat of the Day.

Today's splat happened in the moat challenge,

-when Nicole took on the battle-axes and came a cropper.

-There's more.

-We have to see Gildar's new hairstyle once more.

-Don't touch me!

What a double act!

The defenders also getting splatted today - that's an extra bonus.

Yes, but nothing beats the fact that our new king is called Dom.

OK, let's see how he did it.

That's him, not you.

Dominic wasn't a high-flyer in round one.

-He only came second in the stockade.

-But he led when it really mattered.

And had time for some top splatting before becoming King Dominic.

I'm the king of the castle!

All hail King Dom!

Can we have an attacker called Dick next time?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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