Episode 26 Splatalot


Episode 26

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Welcome to Splatalot, the madcap medieval gameshow

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that sees 12 heroic attackers take on a series of terrifying defenders

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in an attempt to nick off with the coveted crown of Splatalot.

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Will they succeed in their mission? We just don't know.

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What we do know is that they'll tumble, tilt, teeter

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-and they'll get a splatted a lot. Because this is...

-Splatted-A-Lot!

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-It's Splatalot, you bum hat!

-Ooh!

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-Wassup? I'm Dom.

-And I'm Dick, innit?

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This is totally Splatalot, yo!

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Yes, Splatalot, the show that puts a dozen brave young warriors

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through three challenging tests

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to see if any of them are worthy of claiming the ultimate trophy,

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the Splatalot crown.

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-Challenging tests, you say?

-Too right. Check out these babies.

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Babies? Aww! We're going to show lovely piccies of ickle cutie babies

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instead of those nasty, horrible courses?

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No! Now to the nasty, horrible courses.

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First, our fairly fearless attackers

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will face the mighty challenge of this slimy moat.

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The six fastest then tackle the Wheel of Certain Doom.

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Only four will make it to the final.

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Who will get their mucky little mitts on that crown?

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Here's a bit more detail about that first-round challenge, sports fans.

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We begin with the battle balls.

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Great revolving spheres of confusion, Batman!

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They must conquer the Slippery Slope and make it across the Rolling Mace.

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Where Knightriss's Splatzooka will make things very interesting.

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-I'd say horrifically splatty.

-I'd say shut up!

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We're missing the Battle-Axes and the Rope Bridge of Disaster.

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The attackers will hope that Skabb misses them with that cannon.

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Those who get this far have only the Heinous Helper to go.

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-Aren't you forgetting something?

-My trousers! Not again!

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No! The deadly defiant and dastardly defenders!

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-Oh, of course.

-How could you forget something like that?

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I'm under a lot of stress. Trousers get left by the wayside.

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No, I mean the defenders. Imagine the stress they're under,

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trying to thwart the attackers at every turn!

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Do they forget their trousers? No!

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Let's see who's protecting the moat.

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-Behold her shiny cloak!

-Knightriss!

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She's scary.

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Behold his clubby club.

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-Skabb!

-He's very scary.

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-And behold -

-Crocness!

-Ignore her.

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Time to get this medieval show on the medieval road.

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Skabb's on the water cannon.

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Knightriss on the vaporiser!

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And Crocness on the Splatzooka.

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Beware! Staceybear is here!

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First up is Staceybear, youngest of three.

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Her sisters, Staceybunny and Stacey Hairy Mammoth, are cheering her on.

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First splat of the day and we've BEARLY got going.

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-Are you going to keep doing that?

-BEAR with me!

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I don't see Staceybear laughing.

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That's because the moat's in the way!

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If we watch that again, you can see that she was BEARLY amused. Get it?

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Yes, sadly I do. Let's move on.

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Staceybear made it to the Impossible Incline.

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And into Crocness's sight. She takes aim and Staceybear's down!

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How em-bear-assing.

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-This is unbearable.

-Nice one.

-No, I didn't mean... Ugh!

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Staceybear's made it as far as the Battle-Axes.

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-Knightriss pumps vicious vapours.

-She will have curry for breakfast!

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I hope Stacey doesn't lose her bearings.

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That's exactly what she's doing! Hammerslam!

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-Looking a little grisly there!

-Don't you start, shoulder pads.

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-Let's take another look.

-Let's just PAWS it there!

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-Do you like that one?

-Why are you being so mean, Knightriss?

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-Me?

-Yes! I'm trying a whole new thing where Skabb is nice.

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Is he trying to impress her?

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-I'm nice!

-Not interested, my dear!

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I can still grind bones for bread! But I'm nice.

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Note to self, never have toast at Skabb's.

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-Note to Staceybear, it's not over yet.

-Up you get and run!

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The finish line might be in sight, but there's always time for a dip.

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-WATER way to go!

-Bear jokes are out, but rubbish moat puns are in?

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Yes, because they're far superior to silly mammal jokes.

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Stacey finishes in the time of 4:45.

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Our next attacker is Kira.

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-SHE CROWS: Bring it on!

-Amazing. She speaks rooster.

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Her hobby is yodelling. Is there anything this girl can't do?

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I don't know, make it safely over the battle balls? Rancid tongue!

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Here she is on the Rolling Mace. That's impressive. Dash!

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And an even more impressive squinty! Let's see that again.

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And again.

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That's a contender for Splat of the Day already. Nice job, Kira.

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About 3:22 on the clock and she's onto the Beastly Battle-axes.

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She's down but not out. How is that kid hanging on?

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Soggy sandwiches!

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Kira's really left her mark on those battle-axes.

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They don't call them beastly for nothing. Kira's out.

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DNF. Does Not Floss.

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It means Does Not Finish, you doofus.

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-Purple cheese!

-That was either "purple cheese" or "cup of tea".

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Either way, an unusual choice of battle cry.

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-Come on, we haven't got all day.

-She does like a punctual attack.

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-Ho!

-"Ho" is right, Knightriss. A honking great splat from Crocness.

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Let's see that one again. Newcastle! Let's not see that one again, ever!

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He's up-and-at-'em, in this case the Impossible Incline.

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And the not as impossible Beastly Battle-Axes!

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-He's finished.

-With a respectable time of 4:43.

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Here's Adrian.

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-I'm awesome!

-I thought you said his name was Adrian.

-I'm confused.

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We pick up Awesome at the foot of the dreaded Slippery Slope.

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-Welcome to Splatalot.

-I don't think she means it.

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-Ooh, kitty plucker!

-But I think she meant that.

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-And Adrian slides back down into the moat.

-Awesome.

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Lovely shot, my girl!

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-Very impressive.

-I think I'll call that the Corner of Doom.

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-Corner of Doom.

-The point where you stare into Crocness's eyes.

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I can't see that catching on. Anyway, it's more of a gentle curve.

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-Much catchier.

-Isn't it? Will Adrian conquer the Gentle Curve of Doom?

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Find out later!

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-Here's our next attacker, Nicholas!

-I like chicken nuggets!

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-Finish the moat challenge first.

-Hello, Nick.

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Kirby!

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-Kirby!

-I can feel some factually inaccurate place-naming coming on.

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-This is definitely the Corner of Doom.

-OK, Crocness, you win.

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Nick's over the axes and through the vicious vapours!

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He's got the brightly coloured Bridge of Disaster to go.

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-Watch this!

-Watch what?

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Oh, that.

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So close and yet so splatted. Nicholas can be proud of that time,

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-4:36.

-Hey, hey, and there's Adrian!

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Bubble double bubble gum!

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Maybe that's what Ryan's fetching helmet's made from.

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-No problems at the Corner of Doom.

-Good shot!

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And Ryan's onto the terrifying Rolling Mace.

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Let's take a minute and appreciate its spiky terror.

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Just look at the spherical points. Just lovely! And terrifying.

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Crocness has him in her firing line. Ooh, and she misses!

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She's not the only one. Ryan's missed his footing.

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That's burst his bubble. Remember, there was that whole bubble thing?

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I think you'll find it was "bubble double ubble gum".

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I think you'll find Ryan's across the bridge

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and a hop, skip and a jump away from finishing.

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And he's through with a 3:22. Great time.

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That puts Ryan on top. Adrian's got to be in trouble with 11:33.

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-Do you know what I could do with, Dom?

-A bath.

-No!

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A quick reminder of the best splat so far.

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Good splat! Great splat! Brilliant splat!

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-Awesome splat! Amazing splat!

-Shut up!

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-Come on, quiet down.

-HE BLOWS LOUDLY

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Seriously, it's a little bit annoying!

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SHUT UP!

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I mean it. We're only halfway through the first round.

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Now is not the time to lose it with too much excitement.

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-It's in about 17-and-a-half minutes.

-Yes, Dom. Sorry, Dom.

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-Where were we?

-I don't know, Dom.

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Ah, yes, we've already seen the first six attackers

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bravely attempt to master the merciless moat challenge.

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Looking at the leaderboard, we can see that Adrian's time

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is the one the next six attackers will have to beat.

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-What else will they have to beat?

-Eggs.

-What?

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Oh, that lot! Right. Mighty Knightriss,

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cunning Crocness

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and that Skabb.

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-Platypuses represent!

-Did he just say Bagpuss?

-Platypus!

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Right, because that makes more sense.

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Shanker's in trouble. Croc's on his case.

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Croc's on his case, but Shanker's on fire.

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Look at him tear across the mace, formerly known as terrifying.

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Shifty bugle!

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I think we just discovered a new species - a splatypus!

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-You're not laughing.

-No. Funny that.

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Shanker's made it to the rope bridge. And he stays on!

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This kid is a trier.

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My name is Skabb. We should be friends.

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I distracted you! You got hit! It's so funny!

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His sense of humour's even worse than yours!

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Veggie bap!

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-Are you OK?

-Is he? Yes, he's OK! He's all right.

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If I was him, I'd be crying like you after you lost your lucky pants.

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I didn't lose them. Your borrowed them and just never gave them back!

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Let's move on. With a time of 6:00, Shanker's in the final six. For now.

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-Purple cherries!

-Here's Madison.

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-Where's Madison?

-There's Madison.

-Oh.

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Hello there! Welcome to the Corner of Doom!

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Richmond Upon Thames!

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I would not trust a word that woman says. At first she's all, "Hi!"

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and then she goes and fires a wet tennis ball at your face.

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Fickle is what she is.

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Woooooo!

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Here's Breana, straight onto the battle balls. And straight off them!

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Will she do any better if we give her wings?

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No!

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She's made it onto the Rolling Mace. What's Knightriss up to?

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Adrian's 11:33 still the time to beat.

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What is going on? Where are the attacks? The abuse?

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The tormenting? Bleugh!

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Knightriss is just stretching out, limbering up, ready for battle!

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I think there's something going on with them.

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-Knightriss fires.

-Bouncy bling-bling!

-Impressive.

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Yes!

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I don't think Breana's impressed. A mighty bouncy bling-bling.

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Here's Ethan.

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-I'm the next king of Splatalot!

-Prove it.

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Arthur pulled a sword from a stone. Ethan will cross a rolling mace.

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That's progress, that is. Whoa!

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-Salty kipper!

-Ethan falls of the Rolling Mace.

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He's going to have to do better than that.

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Skabb's water cannon finally seeing some action.

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Ethan makes a jump for it and starts pulling himself up!

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Crocness tries a last-minute assault from the rear on the rear.

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Ethan's home!

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-That's not a king's dance.

-With 7:03, Ethan will be dis-going out.

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-Back to Madison.

-Which one was she?

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-There you are.

-You know, Madison.

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-Ahh, the one that hangs out at the Corner of Doom.

-Yep!

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-Like, hangs out there a lot.

-Yep!

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-Really loads.

-That's her.

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-No, I can't place her.

-Sadly, the Corner of Doom was too much for her

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and she does not finish.

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-Here's Shaun.

-Purple tacos!

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These attackers will literally eat anything!

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Including battle balls.

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One battle ball and chips for the gentleman flailing in the moat.

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-Ha! Take that!

-Look at Shaun go!

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-That's one giant leap.

-Followed by one giant jammy splat.

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Let's see it again.

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And again. But this time, with an unexpected dramatic pause.

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Thank you.

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And Shaun's got through with a time of 4:22. That rhymes.

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Breana also makes it with 4:47.

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-Sushi!

-What?

-Sushi! You know, raw fish.

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Ahh!

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-Our last attacker is Lian.

-Who hates watching horror movies.

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Gateshead! Gateshead! Gateshead!

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-She's going to hate watching this back, then.

-Gateshead!

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Stop being a big baby! You're driving me crazy!

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-Whoo!

-Screaming isn't going to help you.

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-Run for your life!

-Bulging wicky-whoo!

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The mace takes its final victim of the day. Lian goes splat. Lovely.

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Lian's onto the Impossible Incline. Fibba-whoppers!

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Amazing splat-crobatics from young Lian.

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BOTH: If falling into a moat's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.

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That's what I say. And me. And him.

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But 10:18 is too slow. Sorry, Lian.

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-Absolutely amazing. A classic round, don't you think?

-I do indeed!

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-Why don't you sum it up in less than 20 words.

-What?

-That's one.

-Oh, OK.

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We had Lian, Adrian and Staceybear, and this and that,

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and don't forget Shanker the Splatypus.

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19! Well done. It was impressive. But who's through to the next round?

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Facing up to the next challenge will be:

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If you don't want a sneaky peak at what's coming up, look away now.

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There's going to be flops, drops, that irritating Tinkor,

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-and the attackers getting covered in muck. Only on...

-Splatalot!

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And now Dom will recreate, using the medium of dance,

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-the highlights of the first round.

-Do I have to?

-Yes.

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-Or you'll get splatted with this slime stick.

-Right.

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-Voila.

-Voila.

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We begin with the moment Staceybear fell off the battle balls.

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Then move onto Shanker's portrayal of the Splatypus.

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And who can forget Skabb trying to be nice with his bony bread?

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Beautiful! Very graceful. The end.

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Lovely plies. And onto Round Two.

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Let's remind ourselves who's in the running.

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Our advancing attackers are:

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And for anyone who nipped out for a widdle during Dom's lovely boogie,

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here's how they got through to Round Two.

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These six will now face the slippery Stockade.

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But mysteriously, only four of them will make it out.

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But don't worry! It'll all become clear after this.

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Here's the Stockade. The attackers cross the hexagon.

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Then they try to collect rungs to make ladders,

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all whilst trying to avoid the froth broth and rainmaker.

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There are only four flags, so two attackers will be left behind.

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And, as always, the defenders will be on call

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to slow the attackers down.

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First up, mucky pup Tinkor.

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-Lovely girl...

-Ballista!

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Great teeth.

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-I am Thorne.

-That's got to hurt his hand.

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-Welcome to the Stockade.

-Hope you don't get too dizzy!

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And now for a who's-who of today's attackers.

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That's Shaun in pink. Ryan in a different shade of pink.

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Lilac for Breana. Two-tone for Staceybear.

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Nick in marmalade. And Fraser in olive.

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-Ready, Tink?

-The defenders are ready for the onslaught

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-of our junior crown-nickers.

-You said knickers!

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KLAXON And they're off!

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Let's go, attackers!

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We defend, you attack! Take that!

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By George, I think he's finally got it!

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Great leap and land from Shaun.

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If an attacker falls off the pod, they must return to the big wheel.

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Ryan goes for a rung but gets a splattage!

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Another great leap, this time from Fraser.

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Nick splatted that one right up. Back to the big wheel.

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-Fraser's got a rung.

-So has Shaun. These boys step up the attack.

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Nick tries again and fails again.

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Ryan slots in rung number three.

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Tink sees him!

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And slimes him! You can run, but you can't hide, Ryan.

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Yoo-hoo! Bleugh!

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Ka-slimy-wang! Tink hits Fraser with a slime stream between the eyes!

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Fraser shrugs it off and dives back into the attack.

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Crumby sponge!

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Fraser was heading for a rung, but Staceybear got in the way.

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It's a foaming-splataca out there.

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-Was that Nicholas falling off again?

-He'll be Nicho-last at this rate.

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Oh, no. Shaun's up. And he's got that first flag!

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Ballista lets off a blast.

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-Watch out!

-Boom whacker!

0:16:380:16:41

-Now that is what I call teamwork.

-That's because you're evil.

0:16:410:16:45

Shaun's up and through to the final round!

0:16:450:16:48

-Who's that?

-Staceybear.

0:16:490:16:53

Who's Tink gunging?

0:16:530:16:54

-Fraser.

-That's not as much fun when a badly-drawn bear's not involved.

0:16:540:16:59

Ballista goes for Nick.

0:17:000:17:02

Breana goes for a rung. Fraser's stealing himself.

0:17:020:17:06

And it looks like he's going for a second flag. And a third and fourth.

0:17:060:17:10

You show him, Shaun!

0:17:100:17:12

-And Tink will show you how he slimes people at point-blank range.

-Nice!

0:17:120:17:16

-But it was all a distraction.

-Too late, Tink!

0:17:160:17:18

That foamy figure is Fraser frough to the final!

0:17:180:17:21

Two flags left! Who wants them the most?

0:17:210:17:23

Stacey wants one, but she needs to finish her ladder first.

0:17:230:17:27

However, Nick takes up Ballista's offer. Tink spots the danger.

0:17:270:17:31

But he's too late again! And Nick is through!

0:17:310:17:34

-Nice one, Nick.

-Only one spot left.

0:17:340:17:37

But plenty of splats still available.

0:17:370:17:40

Only one more left. Who's it going to be?

0:17:400:17:43

-I really don't like him.

-Stacey leaps and gets BEARied!

0:17:430:17:47

I'm not keen on you, either.

0:17:470:17:49

Ryan goes face-first into the foam on the same pod.

0:17:490:17:51

-That pod is like a bucking bronco!

-MOOING

0:17:510:17:55

That's just what I was thinking.

0:17:550:17:58

Who's going to get that final flag?

0:17:590:18:01

It's hard to see when you're dealing with me.

0:18:020:18:05

He's a poet, and a really bad one at that.

0:18:050:18:07

This is total mayhem. Bagsy not clearing up!

0:18:070:18:11

Try as you might, but you'll not get past me!

0:18:110:18:15

Will you lot zip it?

0:18:150:18:17

Ryan's going for a flag. And he gets it!

0:18:170:18:20

Staceybear can't stop him and Breana doesn't really try!

0:18:210:18:25

He's at the top of the ladder! First into this round, last out.

0:18:250:18:28

-Ryan's made it to the final.

-Which means it's buh-bye to Breana

0:18:280:18:33

and bear-bye to Stacey.

0:18:330:18:35

What a great round. Through to the final is:

0:18:350:18:38

All four will be going head-to-head in our Capture the Crown final.

0:18:420:18:46

They'll face spills, sploshes and the odd slop

0:18:460:18:49

as they compete for the crown of the House of Splat.

0:18:490:18:52

Stand by for plenty of splats and surprises.

0:18:520:18:54

Grrrr!

0:18:540:18:56

-What?

-Typical.

-What was all that about?

0:18:560:19:00

I was trying to relieve the tension with one of those bear jokes.

0:19:000:19:05

Oh. Didn't work, did it, really?

0:19:050:19:07

Besides, Staceybear didn't even make the final.

0:19:070:19:09

I've got a way of relieving the tension, though.

0:19:090:19:12

Will it make everyone laugh and help them cope with the stress?

0:19:120:19:16

-It might do.

-Go on, then.

0:19:160:19:19

Yep, worked for me.

0:19:200:19:22

Pfft! Cut to the leaderboard.

0:19:220:19:24

Shaun, Fraser, Nicholas or Ryan - who will lift the crown?

0:19:240:19:29

And how will they cope with all six defenders in the final?

0:19:290:19:32

-Don't eat the foam!

-Seriously, don't eat it.

0:19:320:19:35

Unless one is hungry!

0:19:350:19:37

Good advice. Let's check out the final challenge.

0:19:370:19:41

Why don't you tell everyone about it?

0:19:410:19:43

Our final four attackers will face the pole drop,

0:19:430:19:46

followed by the funky foam.

0:19:460:19:48

They'll cross the slippy slides, the teeter-totters,

0:19:480:19:51

the barriers, the lily pads

0:19:510:19:52

and get up the water wall to capture the crown of Splatalot.

0:19:520:19:55

-It's no walk in the park.

-Unless that park is on Planet Splat!

0:19:550:19:59

# Splatalot!

0:19:590:20:01

BOTH: # Splatalot! #

0:20:010:20:04

It's like medieval Glee. In a bad way.

0:20:040:20:06

Fraser in horrible green and Nick in burnt umber.

0:20:060:20:09

Ryan in bubblegum and Shaun with coral and mint stripes.

0:20:090:20:12

# Splatalot! #

0:20:120:20:13

And they're off! That foam should make them easier to identify.

0:20:130:20:18

Shaun starts the climb.

0:20:180:20:20

Did Ryan just slam into a teeter? Let's make sure.

0:20:200:20:25

Yes, he did.

0:20:250:20:27

Nick's on the teeter-totters. And off again.

0:20:270:20:31

On again. And off again. He's worse than R-Patz and K-Stew.

0:20:310:20:35

What?! On-off. I rest my case.

0:20:350:20:39

Instead of celebrity references, maths would be more interesting.

0:20:390:20:42

No!

0:20:420:20:45

Shaun's taking things very slowly.

0:20:450:20:50

Whilst Ryan's taking... an early bath.

0:20:500:20:55

Stockport! A direct splat from Skabb.

0:20:580:21:01

I call that a splatrocity.

0:21:010:21:05

Look at that old battle-axe.

0:21:050:21:08

That's right!

0:21:080:21:10

Knightriss and her mighty axe!

0:21:100:21:15

-I haven't even used this yet!

-You have to move!

0:21:150:21:20

You actually have to walk!

0:21:200:21:23

Fraser chucks a paintball at Skabb Knightriss. Not a good idea.

0:21:230:21:26

I think it's a brilliant idea.

0:21:260:21:28

I'd like to chuck one at Skabb and his annoying furry skirt.

0:21:280:21:31

What I mean is, Fraser's suffering the consequences. Nick sneaks ahead.

0:21:310:21:36

Oh. Sorry, that should be sneaks behind.

0:21:360:21:38

Fraser's on the barrier. Fraser's still on the barrier!

0:21:380:21:42

-What are you doing?

-What IS he doing?

0:21:420:21:46

I think he's entering the tortoise competition.

0:21:460:21:49

Is he stuck? Are you stuck?

0:21:490:21:51

If he was, he isn't now. He's up, and so is Nick.

0:21:510:21:55

Fraser leaps face-first into a lily pad.

0:21:550:21:58

That is precision leapage. Linosplonger! Oof!

0:21:580:22:02

Nick makes it, too. It'll be a real race between him and Fraser.

0:22:030:22:07

-It's neck and Nick.

-Seriously?

0:22:070:22:10

The defenders throw everything at the attackers,

0:22:130:22:16

but they seem to be powerless. And kind of hoppy!

0:22:160:22:20

It's Ryan! Hi, Ryan! Bye, Ryan.

0:22:210:22:24

It's edge-of-the-seat, seat-of-the -pants stuff from Nick and Fraser.

0:22:240:22:28

Or is it the other way round?

0:22:280:22:30

Nick's almost at the wall. Fraser's not far behind.

0:22:300:22:33

And Shaun's on the teeter... No, he's not.

0:22:330:22:36

Nick at the bottom of the wall. Skabb goes for a shot and misses!

0:22:360:22:41

Can Fraser get back in the game? He's far too late!

0:22:410:22:45

It's a trick. There's nothing there!

0:22:450:22:49

It's all over! Sound the off-key horns!

0:22:490:22:53

Nicholas takes the crown of Splatalot.

0:22:530:22:55

The attackers are abandoned, the defenders are defeated

0:22:550:22:58

and King Nick is the victor!

0:22:580:23:00

-That's it! It's all over!

-It's not quite all over.

0:23:000:23:04

The best bit is still to come. BOTH: It's the Splat of the Day!

0:23:040:23:07

Today's splat goes to Shanker the Splatypus.

0:23:070:23:11

He came, he slipped, he splatted splendifically.

0:23:110:23:16

Shanker, we salute you.

0:23:190:23:21

From murky moat to crown capture,

0:23:210:23:24

here's how Good King Nick claimed his shiny hat.

0:23:240:23:27

In Round One, he bravely FACED the moat,

0:23:270:23:30

slid through the Stockade, captured the flag

0:23:300:23:33

and showed us all his true colours in the final challenge.

0:23:330:23:37

Those colours being orange, with royal pink diamond-encrusted detail.

0:23:370:23:41

That's all from us at this time.

0:23:410:23:43

That's your lot, apart from this, the flag-raising ceremony.

0:23:430:23:47

-Take it away, King Nick.

-I love chicken nuggets!

0:23:470:23:50

-Seeing as you're king, I'll have the battered sausage. Dom?

-Chip butty.

0:23:500:23:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:23:540:23:58

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0:23:580:24:02

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