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Welcome to Splatalot, the madcap medieval gameshow
that sees 12 heroic attackers take on a series of terrifying defenders
in an attempt to nick off with the coveted crown of Splatalot.
Will they succeed in their mission? We just don't know.
What we do know is that they'll tumble, tilt, teeter
-and they'll get a splatted a lot. Because this is...
-It's Splatalot, you bum hat!
-Wassup? I'm Dom.
-And I'm Dick, innit?
This is totally Splatalot, yo!
Yes, Splatalot, the show that puts a dozen brave young warriors
through three challenging tests
to see if any of them are worthy of claiming the ultimate trophy,
the Splatalot crown.
-Challenging tests, you say?
-Too right. Check out these babies.
Babies? Aww! We're going to show lovely piccies of ickle cutie babies
instead of those nasty, horrible courses?
No! Now to the nasty, horrible courses.
First, our fairly fearless attackers
will face the mighty challenge of this slimy moat.
The six fastest then tackle the Wheel of Certain Doom.
Only four will make it to the final.
Who will get their mucky little mitts on that crown?
Here's a bit more detail about that first-round challenge, sports fans.
We begin with the battle balls.
Great revolving spheres of confusion, Batman!
They must conquer the Slippery Slope and make it across the Rolling Mace.
Where Knightriss's Splatzooka will make things very interesting.
-I'd say horrifically splatty.
-I'd say shut up!
We're missing the Battle-Axes and the Rope Bridge of Disaster.
The attackers will hope that Skabb misses them with that cannon.
Those who get this far have only the Heinous Helper to go.
-Aren't you forgetting something?
-My trousers! Not again!
No! The deadly defiant and dastardly defenders!
-Oh, of course.
-How could you forget something like that?
I'm under a lot of stress. Trousers get left by the wayside.
No, I mean the defenders. Imagine the stress they're under,
trying to thwart the attackers at every turn!
Do they forget their trousers? No!
Let's see who's protecting the moat.
-Behold her shiny cloak!
Behold his clubby club.
-He's very scary.
-And behold -
Time to get this medieval show on the medieval road.
Skabb's on the water cannon.
Knightriss on the vaporiser!
And Crocness on the Splatzooka.
Beware! Staceybear is here!
First up is Staceybear, youngest of three.
Her sisters, Staceybunny and Stacey Hairy Mammoth, are cheering her on.
First splat of the day and we've BEARLY got going.
-Are you going to keep doing that?
-BEAR with me!
I don't see Staceybear laughing.
That's because the moat's in the way!
If we watch that again, you can see that she was BEARLY amused. Get it?
Yes, sadly I do. Let's move on.
Staceybear made it to the Impossible Incline.
And into Crocness's sight. She takes aim and Staceybear's down!
-This is unbearable.
-No, I didn't mean... Ugh!
Staceybear's made it as far as the Battle-Axes.
-Knightriss pumps vicious vapours.
-She will have curry for breakfast!
I hope Stacey doesn't lose her bearings.
That's exactly what she's doing! Hammerslam!
-Looking a little grisly there!
-Don't you start, shoulder pads.
-Let's take another look.
-Let's just PAWS it there!
-Do you like that one?
-Why are you being so mean, Knightriss?
-Yes! I'm trying a whole new thing where Skabb is nice.
Is he trying to impress her?
-Not interested, my dear!
I can still grind bones for bread! But I'm nice.
Note to self, never have toast at Skabb's.
-Note to Staceybear, it's not over yet.
-Up you get and run!
The finish line might be in sight, but there's always time for a dip.
-WATER way to go!
-Bear jokes are out, but rubbish moat puns are in?
Yes, because they're far superior to silly mammal jokes.
Stacey finishes in the time of 4:45.
Our next attacker is Kira.
-SHE CROWS: Bring it on!
-Amazing. She speaks rooster.
Her hobby is yodelling. Is there anything this girl can't do?
I don't know, make it safely over the battle balls? Rancid tongue!
Here she is on the Rolling Mace. That's impressive. Dash!
And an even more impressive squinty! Let's see that again.
That's a contender for Splat of the Day already. Nice job, Kira.
About 3:22 on the clock and she's onto the Beastly Battle-axes.
She's down but not out. How is that kid hanging on?
Kira's really left her mark on those battle-axes.
They don't call them beastly for nothing. Kira's out.
DNF. Does Not Floss.
It means Does Not Finish, you doofus.
-That was either "purple cheese" or "cup of tea".
Either way, an unusual choice of battle cry.
-Come on, we haven't got all day.
-She does like a punctual attack.
-"Ho" is right, Knightriss. A honking great splat from Crocness.
Let's see that one again. Newcastle! Let's not see that one again, ever!
He's up-and-at-'em, in this case the Impossible Incline.
And the not as impossible Beastly Battle-Axes!
-With a respectable time of 4:43.
-I thought you said his name was Adrian.
We pick up Awesome at the foot of the dreaded Slippery Slope.
-Welcome to Splatalot.
-I don't think she means it.
-Ooh, kitty plucker!
-But I think she meant that.
-And Adrian slides back down into the moat.
Lovely shot, my girl!
-I think I'll call that the Corner of Doom.
-Corner of Doom.
-The point where you stare into Crocness's eyes.
I can't see that catching on. Anyway, it's more of a gentle curve.
-Isn't it? Will Adrian conquer the Gentle Curve of Doom?
Find out later!
-Here's our next attacker, Nicholas!
-I like chicken nuggets!
-Finish the moat challenge first.
-I can feel some factually inaccurate place-naming coming on.
-This is definitely the Corner of Doom.
-OK, Crocness, you win.
Nick's over the axes and through the vicious vapours!
He's got the brightly coloured Bridge of Disaster to go.
So close and yet so splatted. Nicholas can be proud of that time,
-Hey, hey, and there's Adrian!
Bubble double bubble gum!
Maybe that's what Ryan's fetching helmet's made from.
-No problems at the Corner of Doom.
And Ryan's onto the terrifying Rolling Mace.
Let's take a minute and appreciate its spiky terror.
Just look at the spherical points. Just lovely! And terrifying.
Crocness has him in her firing line. Ooh, and she misses!
She's not the only one. Ryan's missed his footing.
That's burst his bubble. Remember, there was that whole bubble thing?
I think you'll find it was "bubble double ubble gum".
I think you'll find Ryan's across the bridge
and a hop, skip and a jump away from finishing.
And he's through with a 3:22. Great time.
That puts Ryan on top. Adrian's got to be in trouble with 11:33.
-Do you know what I could do with, Dom?
A quick reminder of the best splat so far.
Good splat! Great splat! Brilliant splat!
-Awesome splat! Amazing splat!
-Come on, quiet down.
-HE BLOWS LOUDLY
Seriously, it's a little bit annoying!
I mean it. We're only halfway through the first round.
Now is not the time to lose it with too much excitement.
-It's in about 17-and-a-half minutes.
-Yes, Dom. Sorry, Dom.
-Where were we?
-I don't know, Dom.
Ah, yes, we've already seen the first six attackers
bravely attempt to master the merciless moat challenge.
Looking at the leaderboard, we can see that Adrian's time
is the one the next six attackers will have to beat.
-What else will they have to beat?
Oh, that lot! Right. Mighty Knightriss,
and that Skabb.
-Did he just say Bagpuss?
Right, because that makes more sense.
Shanker's in trouble. Croc's on his case.
Croc's on his case, but Shanker's on fire.
Look at him tear across the mace, formerly known as terrifying.
I think we just discovered a new species - a splatypus!
-You're not laughing.
-No. Funny that.
Shanker's made it to the rope bridge. And he stays on!
This kid is a trier.
My name is Skabb. We should be friends.
I distracted you! You got hit! It's so funny!
His sense of humour's even worse than yours!
-Are you OK?
-Is he? Yes, he's OK! He's all right.
If I was him, I'd be crying like you after you lost your lucky pants.
I didn't lose them. Your borrowed them and just never gave them back!
Let's move on. With a time of 6:00, Shanker's in the final six. For now.
Hello there! Welcome to the Corner of Doom!
Richmond Upon Thames!
I would not trust a word that woman says. At first she's all, "Hi!"
and then she goes and fires a wet tennis ball at your face.
Fickle is what she is.
Here's Breana, straight onto the battle balls. And straight off them!
Will she do any better if we give her wings?
She's made it onto the Rolling Mace. What's Knightriss up to?
Adrian's 11:33 still the time to beat.
What is going on? Where are the attacks? The abuse?
The tormenting? Bleugh!
Knightriss is just stretching out, limbering up, ready for battle!
I think there's something going on with them.
I don't think Breana's impressed. A mighty bouncy bling-bling.
-I'm the next king of Splatalot!
Arthur pulled a sword from a stone. Ethan will cross a rolling mace.
That's progress, that is. Whoa!
-Ethan falls of the Rolling Mace.
He's going to have to do better than that.
Skabb's water cannon finally seeing some action.
Ethan makes a jump for it and starts pulling himself up!
Crocness tries a last-minute assault from the rear on the rear.
-That's not a king's dance.
-With 7:03, Ethan will be dis-going out.
-Back to Madison.
-Which one was she?
-There you are.
-You know, Madison.
-Ahh, the one that hangs out at the Corner of Doom.
-Like, hangs out there a lot.
-No, I can't place her.
-Sadly, the Corner of Doom was too much for her
and she does not finish.
These attackers will literally eat anything!
Including battle balls.
One battle ball and chips for the gentleman flailing in the moat.
-Ha! Take that!
-Look at Shaun go!
-That's one giant leap.
-Followed by one giant jammy splat.
Let's see it again.
And again. But this time, with an unexpected dramatic pause.
And Shaun's got through with a time of 4:22. That rhymes.
Breana also makes it with 4:47.
-Sushi! You know, raw fish.
-Our last attacker is Lian.
-Who hates watching horror movies.
Gateshead! Gateshead! Gateshead!
-She's going to hate watching this back, then.
Stop being a big baby! You're driving me crazy!
-Screaming isn't going to help you.
-Run for your life!
The mace takes its final victim of the day. Lian goes splat. Lovely.
Lian's onto the Impossible Incline. Fibba-whoppers!
Amazing splat-crobatics from young Lian.
BOTH: If falling into a moat's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.
That's what I say. And me. And him.
But 10:18 is too slow. Sorry, Lian.
-Absolutely amazing. A classic round, don't you think?
-I do indeed!
-Why don't you sum it up in less than 20 words.
We had Lian, Adrian and Staceybear, and this and that,
and don't forget Shanker the Splatypus.
19! Well done. It was impressive. But who's through to the next round?
Facing up to the next challenge will be:
If you don't want a sneaky peak at what's coming up, look away now.
There's going to be flops, drops, that irritating Tinkor,
-and the attackers getting covered in muck. Only on...
And now Dom will recreate, using the medium of dance,
-the highlights of the first round.
-Do I have to?
-Or you'll get splatted with this slime stick.
We begin with the moment Staceybear fell off the battle balls.
Then move onto Shanker's portrayal of the Splatypus.
And who can forget Skabb trying to be nice with his bony bread?
Beautiful! Very graceful. The end.
Lovely plies. And onto Round Two.
Let's remind ourselves who's in the running.
Our advancing attackers are:
And for anyone who nipped out for a widdle during Dom's lovely boogie,
here's how they got through to Round Two.
These six will now face the slippery Stockade.
But mysteriously, only four of them will make it out.
But don't worry! It'll all become clear after this.
Here's the Stockade. The attackers cross the hexagon.
Then they try to collect rungs to make ladders,
all whilst trying to avoid the froth broth and rainmaker.
There are only four flags, so two attackers will be left behind.
And, as always, the defenders will be on call
to slow the attackers down.
First up, mucky pup Tinkor.
-I am Thorne.
-That's got to hurt his hand.
-Welcome to the Stockade.
-Hope you don't get too dizzy!
And now for a who's-who of today's attackers.
That's Shaun in pink. Ryan in a different shade of pink.
Lilac for Breana. Two-tone for Staceybear.
Nick in marmalade. And Fraser in olive.
-The defenders are ready for the onslaught
-of our junior crown-nickers.
-You said knickers!
KLAXON And they're off!
Let's go, attackers!
We defend, you attack! Take that!
By George, I think he's finally got it!
Great leap and land from Shaun.
If an attacker falls off the pod, they must return to the big wheel.
Ryan goes for a rung but gets a splattage!
Another great leap, this time from Fraser.
Nick splatted that one right up. Back to the big wheel.
-Fraser's got a rung.
-So has Shaun. These boys step up the attack.
Nick tries again and fails again.
Ryan slots in rung number three.
Tink sees him!
And slimes him! You can run, but you can't hide, Ryan.
Ka-slimy-wang! Tink hits Fraser with a slime stream between the eyes!
Fraser shrugs it off and dives back into the attack.
Fraser was heading for a rung, but Staceybear got in the way.
It's a foaming-splataca out there.
-Was that Nicholas falling off again?
-He'll be Nicho-last at this rate.
Oh, no. Shaun's up. And he's got that first flag!
Ballista lets off a blast.
-Now that is what I call teamwork.
-That's because you're evil.
Shaun's up and through to the final round!
Who's Tink gunging?
-That's not as much fun when a badly-drawn bear's not involved.
Ballista goes for Nick.
Breana goes for a rung. Fraser's stealing himself.
And it looks like he's going for a second flag. And a third and fourth.
You show him, Shaun!
-And Tink will show you how he slimes people at point-blank range.
-But it was all a distraction.
-Too late, Tink!
That foamy figure is Fraser frough to the final!
Two flags left! Who wants them the most?
Stacey wants one, but she needs to finish her ladder first.
However, Nick takes up Ballista's offer. Tink spots the danger.
But he's too late again! And Nick is through!
-Nice one, Nick.
-Only one spot left.
But plenty of splats still available.
Only one more left. Who's it going to be?
-I really don't like him.
-Stacey leaps and gets BEARied!
I'm not keen on you, either.
Ryan goes face-first into the foam on the same pod.
-That pod is like a bucking bronco!
That's just what I was thinking.
Who's going to get that final flag?
It's hard to see when you're dealing with me.
He's a poet, and a really bad one at that.
This is total mayhem. Bagsy not clearing up!
Try as you might, but you'll not get past me!
Will you lot zip it?
Ryan's going for a flag. And he gets it!
Staceybear can't stop him and Breana doesn't really try!
He's at the top of the ladder! First into this round, last out.
-Ryan's made it to the final.
-Which means it's buh-bye to Breana
and bear-bye to Stacey.
What a great round. Through to the final is:
All four will be going head-to-head in our Capture the Crown final.
They'll face spills, sploshes and the odd slop
as they compete for the crown of the House of Splat.
Stand by for plenty of splats and surprises.
-What was all that about?
I was trying to relieve the tension with one of those bear jokes.
Oh. Didn't work, did it, really?
Besides, Staceybear didn't even make the final.
I've got a way of relieving the tension, though.
Will it make everyone laugh and help them cope with the stress?
-It might do.
-Go on, then.
Yep, worked for me.
Pfft! Cut to the leaderboard.
Shaun, Fraser, Nicholas or Ryan - who will lift the crown?
And how will they cope with all six defenders in the final?
-Don't eat the foam!
-Seriously, don't eat it.
Unless one is hungry!
Good advice. Let's check out the final challenge.
Why don't you tell everyone about it?
Our final four attackers will face the pole drop,
followed by the funky foam.
They'll cross the slippy slides, the teeter-totters,
the barriers, the lily pads
and get up the water wall to capture the crown of Splatalot.
-It's no walk in the park.
-Unless that park is on Planet Splat!
BOTH: # Splatalot! #
It's like medieval Glee. In a bad way.
Fraser in horrible green and Nick in burnt umber.
Ryan in bubblegum and Shaun with coral and mint stripes.
# Splatalot! #
And they're off! That foam should make them easier to identify.
Shaun starts the climb.
Did Ryan just slam into a teeter? Let's make sure.
Yes, he did.
Nick's on the teeter-totters. And off again.
On again. And off again. He's worse than R-Patz and K-Stew.
What?! On-off. I rest my case.
Instead of celebrity references, maths would be more interesting.
Shaun's taking things very slowly.
Whilst Ryan's taking... an early bath.
Stockport! A direct splat from Skabb.
I call that a splatrocity.
Look at that old battle-axe.
Knightriss and her mighty axe!
-I haven't even used this yet!
-You have to move!
You actually have to walk!
Fraser chucks a paintball at Skabb Knightriss. Not a good idea.
I think it's a brilliant idea.
I'd like to chuck one at Skabb and his annoying furry skirt.
What I mean is, Fraser's suffering the consequences. Nick sneaks ahead.
Oh. Sorry, that should be sneaks behind.
Fraser's on the barrier. Fraser's still on the barrier!
-What are you doing?
-What IS he doing?
I think he's entering the tortoise competition.
Is he stuck? Are you stuck?
If he was, he isn't now. He's up, and so is Nick.
Fraser leaps face-first into a lily pad.
That is precision leapage. Linosplonger! Oof!
Nick makes it, too. It'll be a real race between him and Fraser.
-It's neck and Nick.
The defenders throw everything at the attackers,
but they seem to be powerless. And kind of hoppy!
It's Ryan! Hi, Ryan! Bye, Ryan.
It's edge-of-the-seat, seat-of-the -pants stuff from Nick and Fraser.
Or is it the other way round?
Nick's almost at the wall. Fraser's not far behind.
And Shaun's on the teeter... No, he's not.
Nick at the bottom of the wall. Skabb goes for a shot and misses!
Can Fraser get back in the game? He's far too late!
It's a trick. There's nothing there!
It's all over! Sound the off-key horns!
Nicholas takes the crown of Splatalot.
The attackers are abandoned, the defenders are defeated
and King Nick is the victor!
-That's it! It's all over!
-It's not quite all over.
The best bit is still to come. BOTH: It's the Splat of the Day!
Today's splat goes to Shanker the Splatypus.
He came, he slipped, he splatted splendifically.
Shanker, we salute you.
From murky moat to crown capture,
here's how Good King Nick claimed his shiny hat.
In Round One, he bravely FACED the moat,
slid through the Stockade, captured the flag
and showed us all his true colours in the final challenge.
Those colours being orange, with royal pink diamond-encrusted detail.
That's all from us at this time.
That's your lot, apart from this, the flag-raising ceremony.
-Take it away, King Nick.
-I love chicken nuggets!
-Seeing as you're king, I'll have the battered sausage. Dom?
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