The Curse of the Wereteacher Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

# Cos there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even "geeky place" doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill, where a talking frog can eat your face!

# It's very, very random

# You'll get used to these debates if you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name "Strange", mate, they really meant it!

# There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

# On every vest I got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# Or what it might do if they ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back, and be prepared Can't wait for 3:30

# See you there. # BELL RINGS

Ugh. I need a new career.

OK, class, test time.

We have a test today?!

No, these are test results.

We had a test yesterday?!

No, this is a test the school did.

-Ha! Take that, school!

-A test to determine your future careers.

Using scientific methods, they're able to determine what job

you're most suited for and where you'll be working

in ten to twenty years.

I have to work in ten to twenty years? Why didn't anyone tell me?

I'd have left this planet long ago. C'mon, astronaut...

Oh, boy, I'm going to be a voiceover actress for kids' TV shows!

And now I'm, like, the mean girl...

Ew, that sounds, like, awful(!)

A critic?! That's the worst career assessment I've ever seen!

No stars.

A psycho! A psycho!

Oh, wait... A psychologist!

Disgraced pop star.

Looks like everyone's future suits their personalities.

What did you get, Templeton?

Campanologist. I don't know what that means, though it rings a bell.

Don't you want to see what YOU'LL be, Mitchell?

Teacher?!

I can't be a teacher! That's the worst job in the world!

Don't worry. My dreams were crushed long ago.

It must be a mistake! A horrible mistake.

'No lamenting your sorry future!'

They issued this somewhere in the school, right?

We just need to figure out where and by who.

And then go there and bug them.

What about Miss Grimshaw? She hates to be bugged.

Grimshaw! School secretary! Keeper of all records!

Come on!

Strange. She's not here.

As if she vanished into thin air, gone into the mists of time,

never to be seen again.

That, or she went to the staff room cos there's no kids to yell at.

Or that.

There it is! Ye Olde Staff Room!

I don't know if we should! Pupils aren't allowed!

Too late. Knob turning.

PIANO PLAYS

Hi! THEY ALL GASP

So who's in charge of career testing around here?

Tanner! You made me miss!

Pupils may not enter the staff room!

Too late. We just did.

And I'm not allowed to tell you who's in charge of career testing.

We dare not speak his name.

Quiet, you fool! You've said too much already!

I'd like to say too much!

The person in charge of all testing is...the Deputy Head!

THUNDER CRACKS

Brian Dougherty!

I quite like saying too much.

So where is this Dougherty... THUNDER CRACKS ..guy?

Some people say he went mad from all the paperwork.

Most people, actually.

You'll never find him.

We put him away where he can't harm anyone.

But can still process all the school's paperwork.

So he's in the school somewhere.

Yes. Er, I mean, no! Ooh, now I've said too much!

Now, get out, Tanner. And never set foot here again!

OK...

Brian Dougherty!

THUNDER CRACKS

Cool.

This Deputy Head is somewhere in this school -

someplace the teachers don't want us going to,

a place so scary, no-one would ever dare go.

The boys' changing room!

I'm going to ask a normal person.

-Matthews, you're easily terrified, right?

-I certainly am!

What's the one place in the school that's so terrifying,

you'd never, ever go there?

The fourth floor! The fourth floor!

SCREAMS Fourth floor it is.

There's only one problem. The school only has

three floors.

See? "Third Floor".

What about that door inside the door?

Oh, such a cute door!

Where do you lead to, widdle doory?

That's ridiculous.

A door inside a door can only lead to what the bigger door leads to.

Hey, wait for me!

-LOUD CRUNCHING AND SCREECHING

-What's that spooky sound?!

Meh.

Turn back!

Turn back before it's too late!

-Uh, why?

-Because I'm waxing the floor.

It's pretty slippery.

How can you be waxing the floor of a storey of the school

that doesn't supposedly exist?

Some say the fourth floor only appears on a full moon.

Others say it's a poorly designed building.

Either way, floor's got to be waxed.

Do you know anything about... Brian Dougherty?

-THUNDER CRACKS

-You mean...the Deputy Head?

-THUNDER CRACKS

-Oh, I like when it does that!

-Us, too!

-I canna tell ye much.

But they say when the time is right, he roams this very floor,

in search of new victims to give tests to.

They sure say a lot, these people who say things.

-Even

-I

-am afraid to roam too far on this floor.

So be careful!

And be warned, it's slippery!

-Whoa!

-What are you going to do if you find this guy?

Get him to change my destiny! Duh!

No way am I going to become a teacher!

This is a bit of a predicament.

You best go on without me-e-e-e-e!

Why does the clock have a "D" on it?

And this wall - "C+"?

And the water fountain - "No water, F minus, see me."

-SHE GASPS

-Everything's been graded!

We must be getting close. There!

"Brian Dougherty, Deputy Head."

THUNDER CRACKS

It's been boarded up. Like they don't want us to get in there.

Or they don't want whatever's in there to get out.

Option A, option A, option A.

The dreaded Option B!

Here, Becks, help me get these boards off.

I'd have gone for "more boards on", but OK.

You stay here and scream like crazy if anything happens.

Can do.

Hello? I'm here about my careers test?

CHAINS RATTLE

Hello, chainy-chains? Mr Dougherty?

THUNDER CRACKS My name is Mitchell Tanner?

I have a simple request -

to change my career destiny?

It doesn't have to be anything big -

maybe just "movie star"? "Hot-rod racer"?

"Cool guy who does what he wants?"

CHAINS RATTLE

Hello?

AH!

Mr Dougherty, I presume?

-THUNDER CRACKS

-You don't have an appointment!

-GROWLING

-That's my cue!

AAAARGH!

AAAARGH!

I've been bitten! By a rabid teacher!

BELL RINGS

Uh-oh! What's going on?!

No! No!

It can't be happeninnnnnnng...

Ah! That was weird.

And why am I holding a coffee mug?

Ugh!

Mitchell, you're all right!

I went to get help but ran into this awful new substitute teacher

who made me go straight into class and then he yelled at us

for being unruly and made us sit silently

and think about what we'd done. I thought about how I went to get help

but ran into this awful new substitute...

-Where is he now?

-A...

-Someone besides Becky!

He left. Said he had other classes to take care of,

like I wasn't trouble enough, yo!

He made me sit in the corner and wear this hat.

Good thing I can't read.

I don't know what's worse, Mitchell.

Your destiny to become a teacher

or this new substitute...teacher.

I'm still having a problem with floor wax, if anyone cares.

Maybe later, bye!

'The new substitute teacher assigned us five hours of homework - in PE.'

He confiscated Gazza's spray-paint and replaced it with air freshener.

Nobody wants gra-frutti, yo!

THEY SIGH

This guy is exactly why I hate teachers and never want to be one.

-What's his name, anyway?

-Mr Tanner.

Hey, YOUR last name is Tanner, too! Maybe you know him?

No, but if I ever see him, I'll let him know who's who.

BELL RINGS

Uh, you go on to class.

-I'm going to the little boys' room, so I can be fashionably late.

-Hey?!

I always said I deserve a big hand, but this is ridiculous.

What the heck?!

I'm losing my...

style!

Who's the baddest teacher in all the land?

-You are, sir!

-Darn straight!

And you're late for class. Detention!

No sliding! Detention!

The Peloponnesian war.

It's capitalised - named after a place -

so I want to see everyone make a big "P" on their paper.

THEY SNIGGER

What's so funny?!

It sounded like you were telling us to relieve ourselves on our papers.

You won't find it so funny when I'm giving you a surprise quiz!

THEY GROAN

Question one - according to Ancient Greek astronomy,

when was Uranus at its fullest?

Everything's getting into ship-shape since you appeared.

I'm just pleased to see the children so fearful.

Oh, a man after my own heart.

Can I get you a drink?

Water. Lukewarm.

You know, I could really use someone I trust around here, fulltime.

There are certain students I feel like if I turn my back on them

for one second... Tanner?!

What the devil am I doing here?

Well, that's what I'M supposed to say!

And what have you done with my friend, Mr Tanner, Tanner?!

Mr Tanner was here?

Yes, Mr Tanner, Tanner! I don't know any other Mr Tanner, do you, Tanner?

Does it strike you as odd that we both have the same last name?

Your name's not Abercrombie! Don't try to confuse me, Tanner.

You're up to your old tricks, but with Mr Tanner about,

you won't be getting away with much more, Tanner!

Am I punished or can I go?

Go! Go!

Sometimes I think I'm seeing things.

Horrible Tanner-related things.

Oh, dear..

It pains me that I can't get to the one teacher who's causing

everyone such agony. It's like he runs off whenever I come.

Maybe he's scared of you!

Unlikely. He's a very scary guy.

Scared the wax right off the floor.

That's what stopped me from sliding.

Oh, hi, Templeton. I didn't notice.

MY adventure's not important.

A boy slides about the entire school for two days straight,

but that's not half as interesting as a very mean teacher

or a boy who doesn't want to become a teacher!

How'd you go to the toilet?

Oh, NOW you're interested.

BELL RINGS

Huh? Whoa!

Help! Whatever this is is...whatevering again!

E-yow! What's happening to you?!

Hey, what are you kids doing?! Break time is over!

-SHE GASPS

-Mitchell IS Mr Tanner!

Mr Tanner is Mitchell! Tanner, Mitchell! Mitchell, Tanner!

Hey, you, let me out of here!

Sorry, Mr T - now YOU'VE got detention!

Nobody calls me Mr T! I pity the fool who disrespects me!

BELL RINGS

He's turned back into Mitchell!

So when the class bell rings, he turns into Mr Tanner,

and when the end-of-period bells ring,

he turns back to Mitchell!

Yet he has no idea any of this has been happening.

We've got to confront him with the...HORRIBLE truth.

Remember, let's put this to him gently.

Hmm.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-Mitchell...

-Yeah?

You know that awful substitute teacher who's been tormenting us

-and is the worst person we've ever met?

-Yeah?

-You're him.

-I'm Mr Tanner?

That bite from Mr Dougherty...!

THUNDER CRACKS

I'm a were-teacher!

This could not be more awful.

Where is that delightful Mr Tanner?

He's my best friend in the whole world.

Nooooooooo!

Of all the monsters, I have to be a were-teacher.

It's pretty much the lamest of all monsters. Even Thankenstein.

You mean that monster who always says, "Thank you"?

He's the manliest teacher I've ever laid my beady eyes on.

Mr Tanner's a real hottie!

THEY GIGGLE

THEY SHUDDER AND RETCH

OK, this just went from highly annoying

to a matter of extreme urgency.

Yes, we must do something before the bell rings again.

BELL RINGS

Did I - er, Mr Tanner - give you detention?

Uh-huh, but worse - you gave yourself

double-super-horrible detention for always missing class!

And you said if you showed up,

we should tell you what you said you'd do to you if you ever saw you.

Oh, I did, did I? Well, I'm a big jerk and I've got to stop me

before my reign of terror goes too far.

Yes, before you end up like Mr Dougherty!

THUNDER CRACKS

That's it - Mr D!

THUNDER CRACKS He must know a way out of this.

OK, but let's stop saying his name - I have a terrible a headache.

CHAINS RATTLE, SNARLING

Oh, hi, kids. Come in.

I'm just doing some work.

-That's not a...

-Person? Oh, my, no!

Just a horse.

Anyhoo... When you bit me, you turned me into a were-teacher.

We need to know if there's a cure.

Depends. What TYPE of teacher do you become?

-A substitute.

-Then you're in luck.

A substitute were-teacher only has a temporary curse.

According to legend, and School Board-mandated policy,

as long as said teacher does not sign a permanent contract,

the curse will wear off.

Great! How long till it wears off?

-Ten years,

-max. Ten years?!! I don't want to be a teacher for ten sec...

-Is there anything shorter than a second?

-'Attention.

'I'd like to invite Mr Tanner to my office

'at 3:30 for a very special secret ceremony.

'Er, I mean "normal meeting".

'Change is afoot!'

Mitchell, Abercrombie's going to have you sign

a permanent teacher's contract!

Or change one of his feet.

I've got to get rid of the curse now!

It's the only way to defeat Mr Tanner.

-And Abercrombie's smelly feet.

-Mr Dougherty...

-Huh?

-Is there any way?

There is, but you must do it

before the were-teacher signs that contract.

When pen touches paper, you're doomed forever! I'll tell you how...

if you release me.

Unchain you?

Yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah. Er, yes.

I don't know. We've done a lot of...

-Mitchell!

-Some day, I'll repay you for this.

NOW how will we defeat Mr Tanner?!

Let me think.

If we can trick Mr Tanner into looking really bad,

Abercrombie will fire him on the spot and he...

Well, I can never become a real teacher!

Brilliant! Stop pointing that skeleton hand at me, but brilliant!

We'll set it up for the special meeting in 'Crombie's office.

Now, the last class bell of the day rings at 3:30, right?

That's when the meeting begins.

PIANO PLAYS

HE LAUGHS

Is this a contract-signing ceremony or a romantic get-together?

I don't see why it can't be a little of both.

We're all very fond of Mr Tanner, aren't we?

I'm not here to look at YOU, that's for sure.

-BELL RINGS

-He'll be here any minute! I'll finally have a full-time friend!

Quick! Get ready for your role!

DOOR OPENS

Welcome, welcome to the newest addition to our faculty!

Yes, yes, let's just sign this thing and get it over with.

I've got a lot of kids to yell at.

But the signing of a teacher's contract

is a sacred tradition at Strange Hill,

plus I hand-dipped strawberries!

I don't like things that taste good.

Oh... Oh, please can we at least perform the song I wrote for you?

Fine. But it better not be any good - I don't like music either.

Oh, you're in luck, then!

Introducing, the Misses G!

MUSIC STARTS

One, two, a-one, two three, four...

# The Strange Hill days of running around

# And acting the clown are gone

# Because there's now a man who knows how to crack down on fun

# How do you thank someone who gives detention all afternoon?

# It's not easy, but we'll try!

# If you run from this guy he'll show you why

# He's the scariest man since Captain Bligh

# To Mr Tanner, with l-o-o-o-ove! #

That was just terrible enough for me to appreciate it.

Stand by for Tanner Time!

Ready for Hammer Time with the Tanner Time!

Before you sign this contract,

I was wondering if you'd like to say a few words?

-Maybe three or four...

-Tanner Time! End-period bell, go!

BELL RINGS

And those words are...

Waaaah!

-What the...?!

-Wiggity wiggity, beepity bool,

I'm not signing anything, you creepity fool!

Mitchell?! I'm seeing things!

Again! Back to class bell!

Ah, oh! That's better.

As I was saying, the most important thing as a fulltime teacher is...

End-of-period bell!

The most important thing is to boogie till your body drops!

Do the funky chicken! Quaaack!

Mr Tanner! I-I am your friend, but stop it at once!

Of all the people in this room, he chooses HIM to dance with!

BELL RINGS

What the devil?

Er, um, perhaps we should proceed with the signing of the contract.

Uh, yeah?

End-of-period bell! Quick!

Aarggh!

Oh, dear.

He's about to sign! Mitchell's about to become Mr Tanner forever!

I need ringy-dingy now!

Oh, I'm a terrible bell ringer. I may as well just resign myself

to being, what was it - a campanologist?

-'A campanologist IS a bell ringer.'

-Huh?

Sign it, sign it, sign it, sign it...

Sign it, sign it, sign it, sign it, sign it, sign it, sign it!

BELL RINGS

Aaargh!

ALL: Aargh!

Those bells are, like, totally tubular.

How you like me now, Abercrombie?!

Aaargh!

It's all so...Mitchelly!

I'll never stop tormenting you!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! You're fired!

Forever! Get out!

Ooh, chocolate-dipped strawberries!

Get out!

We did it! We broke the curse!

-Wow!

-AND we got chocolate-dipped strawberries!

And we might've driven Abercrombie nuts. That's a plus!

HE SIGHS

ABERCROMBIE LAUGHS

Ah, that's nice.

Rawr!

# Two sides of the same coin

-# One angry man.

-One innocent boy

# What?! OK, maybe not innocent

# But I'm still the good guy here, you know, in a sense. #