Invasion of the Templetons Strange Hill High

EVIL LAUGHTER

# "Creepy" ain't the word # "Freaky" ain't the word

# "Sneaky" ain't the word

# See, what I've observed

# Is there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even "geeky place" doesn't tell you what I need to say

# Cos it's Strange Hill

# Where a talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very random

# You'll get used to these debates if you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name "Strange" Mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

# On every vest I've got the letters S-O-S

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared, punk

# Wait for 3:30

# See you there. #

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

MUSIC: Theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey"

GASPS

YELPS

Tanner! Where's your science project?

-Where's my science project?

-What? But I haven't...?

If you haven't done it, you're in considerable trouble.

If you haven't done it, you're in considerable trouble.

But...I've done my own! It's whether the school tarantula

has the intelligence to select its own party hat

or if it needs guidance and encouragement.

You can do it, Taranny-tula!

Which do you want to wear for Spider Christmas?

See what I have to put up with?

Yes, I see. She really should...

Oh, Tanner!

You have three seconds to produce a science project

or that's an F for Science.

Isn't it S for Science?

Tanner, your sarcasm is really testing my...

Ooh, that gives me an idea. Shut up for one second.

Ah-ha!

ZAP!

CRIES OUT

So you're telling me your science project is a device

that examines the effect of sarcasm on others?

The Sarcastatron 3000 is the result of extensive research, and...

By the way, I really like

what you've done with your hair this morning.

Oh, thank you.

I use a special shampoo that tingles when...

Tanner! You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

DEVICE DINGS

Abercrombie - effect of sarcasm equals rage.

This made-up science project is fun.

Let's try it on someone else.

YELPS

TEMPLETON: Greetings, my fellow carbon-based bipedal life forms.

Templeton, I really like the new outfit.

Thank you. It's a spacesuit.

You don't look like a geek whatsoever.

-Mitchell!

-Have I missed something?

My sarcasm's having no effect. I'll have to ramp it up.

And where are you going in this fabulous "spacesuit"?

I certainly hope it's outer space,

as that would be a very reasonable place

for a boy holding two electrified potatoes to go.

I will go boldly - and with correct grammar -

where no-one has been before.

I've perfected a potato-powered propulsion projectile,

and will blast off into the cosmos to make first contact with aliens

and possibly a space yeti.

That's the most sensible plan to ever come from the field of science.

-Thanks!

-Templeton, he was being sarcastic.

Sarcastic? Sounds Greek.

None for me - I never eat before space flight.

Subject does not respond to normal sarcasm.

Will try increasing to dangerous levels.

Templeton, your project may be

one of the greatest scientific endeavours

undertaken by intelligent man.

"MAY BE one of"? You underestimate me!

You don't know me at all!

Nobody here understands me! Not even me!

Wow. Unexpected.

Subject's response was most enjoyable.

Mitchell! You've hurt his feelings...probably.

Fine. But your logic has no place at a science fair.

Temps, wait! I want to apolo...

Wha...?!

-BOTH:

-Whooaahh!

Goodbye cruel, unaccepting world.

Hello, potentially hostile, blood-thirsty extraterrestrials.

Temps, please!

I was only being a jerk in the name of science!

Tanner! What's Weird Boy doing?

Going to meet aliens.

Oh? Hang on, are you being sarcastic again?

MUSIC: Theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey"

THEY ALL GASP

He's slipped the surly bonds of Earth

and touched the heavens, innit!

A science fair project that actually worked.

Templeton's gone?

Temps really did it! He's a real-life astronaut!

Actually, I'm down here.

Perhaps the polarity of potato-powered propulsion

presumes preponderance to positive?

-Easy for you to say.

-Oh, thank heavens.

For a moment, I thought I might have to give a student an A.

Weird Boy, clean this mess up.

Everyone else, back to class!

Arrr, that's right - nothing to see here

but a giant hole blasted by a potato-powered rocket ship.

THEY ALL GROAN

CLANG!

If it's all right with you,

I'll stay here until my disappointment wears off.

If you're not coming out, we're coming in.

And why would "we" do that?

The alternative is going back to the science fair.

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-Look out below!

HE GRUNTS

What good are you? You're a disappointment as a potato!

Sorry, Spud.

It's my fault for aiming too high.

HE SIGHS

You might not have blasted into the cosmos,

but you've discovered a lovely... hole.

Has Gazza been down here?

No, these look ancient. Like, well before the 1990s!

Hey...

"Press button to enter door." OK.

HE YELPS

HE GRUNTS

-BOTH:

-Whoa!

The search for aliens

involves a lot more falling into holes than I'd anticipated.

Boy, this place is as dusty as Mr Balding.

-BOTH:

-Whoa!

Aliens, locked in suspension for billions of years!

I never thought I'd say this, but... I think Templeton is right!

People aren't always saying that?

Er, Temps?

Do you have a really, really, really old uncle who went missing?

My uncle once went missing,

but we found him inside the sofa bed.

That's an alien! See the giant skull?

You doubted me, but I told you I'd discover aliens! Ha!

THEY ALL GASP

WHIRRING AND BEEPING

-COMPUTER:

-Voice recognised! Emergency! Emergency!

Abandon ship!

He looks familiar.

I know this is usually something you'd say, Mitchell,

but I think in this case, I'll take the lead.

RUN!

THEY BOTH SCREAM

THEY ALL GASP

Tanner! What's going on here?

Nothing...

EXPLOSION

..much.

If I find out there's something strange going on here, Tanner...

Er, Mr Abercrombie?

Do not interrupt me when I'm ranting!

-Now, as I was saying...

-Yo, Mr Abercrombie?

Bishop! Would you like it if I interrupted you when...?

But, Mr Abercrombie!

What is it with this outbreak of rudeness? I blame you, Tanner!

I suppose THAT'S my fault too?

This is exactly what I'm talking about!

FLYING SAUCERS!

I'm too important to be abducted!

The children are lighter - take them!

Fellow students and teachers, follow my lead!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Which one of you brought a flying saucer armada to school?

MUSIC FROM "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" ON TUBA

-Eww.

-What? It was the spaceship, not me!

STUDENTS GASP

I'll handle this. I'm Mr Abercrombie, leader of Earth.

Since when?

He's just a headmaster, and not a very good one at that, yo.

Yeah, he, like, totally tried to sell us out to you.

He's extremely cowardly.

Shut up, all of you! I've regained my composure.

We'll see about that.

Er, hello there, um, shadowy thing.

I'd like to welcome you to our planet.

Please don't write on the walls... Arggh!

-ALIEN:

-Take me to your leader.

As I said, that's... Arggh!

Your real leader. The one true...

Templeton.

-BOTH:

-Hail to you, leader of the universe.

Eh?

Hail to you, master of all space, time and potatoes.

Except sweet potatoes, which are gross,

and should not be considered potatoes.

Hang on - I do the worshipping round here.

No, I've come to worship you.

-BOTH:

-But you're the leader of the universe.

I can't be the leader of the universe, because you obviously are.

You are. I've got an alien fleet that agrees.

Haven't I?

-ALIENS:

-Get on with it, already, or we'll destroy this planet.

Plus, we've got a giant scary robot named Gary.

TEMPLETON GASPS

What have YOU got?

Uh, we've got...Tyson.

I'd rather not be drawn into this particular matter.

Can we please get on with our invasion?

Fine. Let me show you around.

So, I'm the creator of all things and master of the entire universe?

-Yes.

-Hmm, I always suspected as much.

-MITCHELL:

-I think you'll find Templeton is responsible

for all sorts of amazing things on this planet.

-BOTH:

-Thank you.

-HE GASPS

An invasion by aliens who don't respond to sarcasm?

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

We call these "backpacks". We fill them with sweets!

Sweets... and brightly coloured ribbons!

We'll put these ribbons in your hair!

And, like, on Earth, when we see someone different to us,

we say, "Ewwwww!"

-Now you try.

-Ew.

No, say it with more disdain,

like this person has totally ruined your day just by existing.

Ewwwwww!

Good. Now sneer when you say it.

Ewwwwww!

Now like you've just seen them eat something from their nose.

Ewwwwww!

TEMPLETON: Your book looks very impressive.

Does it contain the sum of all knowledge in the universe?

Uh, no. It only contains things that are quite dull.

I just carry it around so I'll know where it is.

I understand completely. So let me tell you about Earth.

It has some interesting features... like doors.

Doors open and close.

Open. Close.

Open. Close.

By the way, how many kilos do you weigh?

And do you prefer a side salad or roasted vegetables?

I usually only eat beige things.

"First baste, then leave to slow-cook for 40 minutes"?!

-Do you mind?!

-No, do you?

That looked like a recipe!

We have no such things as "recipes" on our planet.

And we certainly don't know how to prepare food.

Then you should meet our school cook. You'd really hit it off.

Come, Templeton. Let us go somewhere where people don't say silly things.

Hmm. You know this invasion by aliens who resemble our friend?

-Yeah?

-Something very strange about it.

That book!

I never thought I'd say this,

and it goes against my every instinct, but...

we've got to read that book!

Attention!

I'm not very good at these things

and I know we got off on the wrong foot,

but any friend of...

What is his name? "Weird Boy"?

Well, any friend of his is...

ZAPPING Argh!

THUMP! Oh!

Now's our chance!

Humans, listen!

For it has been written: in the beginning, there was Templeton.

And he said, "Let there be potatoes."

And it was good. Especially with butter and baco-bits.

And, lo, the potato has many purposes, unlike the yam.

BOTH IN ROBOTIC VOICES: Yams are useless!

The spud has powered our centuries-long search

for our creator.

"How to serve Templeton..."

That could be interpreted in a number of different ways.

"..as a delicious dish to eat."

We searched far and wide for our creator,

double and triple-checking places, and looking again just in case...

The alien's book! It's a cookbook!

No, it's not. Now go away.

"How To Serve Templeton - A Cookbook, featuring Roast Templeton,

"Templeton Pie, Bangers & Temps, Tempshire Pudding..."

Templeton, they've come to eat you and in a very tasty fashion!

THEY GASP

ALL: Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!

That's ridiculous.

What gives you that idea?

OK, OK, I'm too hungry to lie any more.

We Templeton aliens are too pure to eat anything not Templeton-related

and what could be more Templeton-y than Templeton?

We've travelled billions of light years and we're hungry and...

Oh, pass the hot sauce and dibs on a leg!

-No-one eats our friend!

-ALIEN: Argh!

Come on!

You can't stop us. Unleash...

-BEEPING

-..Gary.

ZAPPING AND YELPING

That's it, Gary! Shoot randomly!

Argh!

THEY SCREAM

We've got to think of a plan to defeat the aliens!

Becky, think of a plan.

That would be a lot easier if you weren't standing on my foot.

That's not me. It's the person standing behind us.

The person standing behind us!

Why did you turn it off?

If I can't see him, he might not be there.

That's definitely Gary.

Then I'm going to panic now.

-OK. Me too.

-I'm not.

-Suit yourself.

THEY SCREAM

Run! Come on!

So have I nagged you into thinking of a good plan?

Not quite, but if we look like Templetons

and think like Templetons, we might be able to figure out

what the Templeton aliens are going to do.

No, I'm Templeton and even I can't figure that out.

Let's look at this situation sarcastically.

Temps, if you were you and leading the most successful invasion ever,

what would you not want to do?

Well, I wouldn't want to sneak on to the mother ship

and transmit a web of illogicalities

leading the armada to turn on each other and destroy themselves.

Then by the laws of sarcasm, let's do that.

To the mother ship to make sure

no-one transmits a web of illogicalities

leading the armada to turn on each other

and destroy themselves.

Yes, that's the last thing we'd want someone to do.

As soon as we have the creator in our hands,

we will destroy this planet.

Goodbye cruel, unaccepting world!

Mwahahaha!

I may say stuff like that, but I always mean it with good intentions.

Now, to confuse the aliens.

We need to get hold of his royal talky thingy!

BLEEPING

Ah-ha!

You don't get to be an evil emperor

without perfecting your sudden twirl.

Now what do you want?

-IN GOOFY VOICE:

-Your Gooberiness, we're here to, uh,

obsessively check the communicators.

That doesn't sound anything like me!

And, you! You look rather girlish for a Templeton alien.

Girls make us uncomfortable.

What are you doing here?

-IN DORKY VOICE:

-I'm, uh, here

because I do not need to be anywhere else.

-Makes sense.

-That doesn't sound like me either!

And, you. Weird looking one.

Why are you here?

-I'm here because...

-Imposter!

-What?

You look and sound nothing like a Templeton!

But I'm the only real one here!

Oops.

They're all imposters! Gary alert!

THEY SCREAM

Gary is so annoying!

Shoot randomly!

-Wait!

-Why?

Because I shouted "Wait!" quite loudly?

The creator!

Praise him!

-Now grab him!

-Aww...

Now let's get out of here.

Prepare to destroy this planet, er, um...what's it called?

-My-butt-now.

-Prepare to wipe out My-butt-now!

-Mitchell!

What?

ENGINE POWERS UP

-Help!

-They're going to destroy the world!

Like, what did they say?

I don't know, something about "Joy to every boy and girl," innit?

That's a lame thing to say when you're being abducted.

BEEPING AND LEVERS RATTLE

If I had access to my emotions,

I imagine this would be quite magnificent.

Not as magnificent as you'll taste with gravy and a dash of nutmeg.

I'm starting to think they ARE up to something.

Silence! By talking, you're letting the flavour out!

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense(!)

I'm starting to think your words of encouragement

are not meant as words of encouragement.

-Duh, yeah?

-Stop!

How'd you like to be ejected into the void of space for all eternity?

-Sounds like loads of fun.

-Then so be it. Gary!

Eject those two humans from the airlock.

THEY GASP AND GARY BEEPS

Templeton! Help! My sarcasm's powerless against these aliens!

-Are you being sarcastic?

-No!

-Was that sarcastic?

-No!

-What about that?

-Templeton! Just ignore Mitchell!

If you are the ultimate master of the universe,

now's the time to make it count!

Don't listen to them!

They don't appreciate you.

You're better off with us - we're just like you.

What you're saying makes logical sense.

Logical, but they're still going to eat you!

Logical nonetheless.

Sometimes the important things don't have to make sense!

I'm telling you this with every unsarcastic bone of my body -

I like you!

Ignore them! They don't make sense!

You need to be with your own type! It's only logical!

-You're just like us!

-No...

I'm not!

Because I have friends!

Gary, as creator of the universe, I order you to help my friends!

What's that strange feeling I feel inside me?

It's friendship and warmth and love and emotion!

HE BURPS

Yes, or it might just have been

a spot of wind from all the excitement.

I suppose you humans think you're clever now, don't you?

Smarter than you.

Temps, are you sure you can fly this thing home?

You believe in me, right?

Of course we do!

Sure! I'm too worn out to be sarcastic.

Very well, then. Computer, let's go home!

SHIP POWERS DOWN

CRASHING

I'm sure that's fine.

Yeah, nothing to worry about.

Hey, there's my sarcasm back.

ALARM BLARES

-What have you done?!

-I think I broke it.

OVER INTERCOM: 'You are home and you are not home.

'You are here, there, everywhere and nowhere maybe.

'You have reached your destination - the moment before the Big Bang.'

Oopsy-daisykins.

"Oopsy-daisykins"?!

That's what you say at the moment before the Big Bang?

The explosion at the beginning of time that created everything?

You've stranded us before time and space existed!

-It could be worse.

-Worse?!

We're stuck forever and forever hasn't even been invented yet!

Invented yet?!

I just wanted to repeat things in a shocked manner like you.

-Sorry.

-Bah, what does it matter now?

Airlock, engage!

THEY YELP

My potato!

Some cream!

Spring onions!

And just a dash of pepper!

My, that was a big bang!

Big Bang? Uh, Temps?

I think you just created the universe with a potato!

Cool!

ALL: Argh!

THEY YELP AND SHOUT

THEY GRUNT

BEEPING

The Big Bang? The creation of all things?

Templeton was the supreme being after all!

In the beginning Templeton created all things.

He held aloft the potato and spake, "My potato!"

He sprinkled the required ingredients

as specified in the recipe

and created the tasty dish known as...

the universe.

And thus the universe was born.

Eh? Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Could you start again?

Earthlings!

BEEPING

-Wow!

-Hey!

Where are we?!

ENGINE POWERS UP

It's us!

Beezers, what happened?

Dunno, but we're home.

And I discovered aliens and went into the cosmos!

Aw, but I didn't find a space yeti.

But you did create the universe with a potato.

Not bad for a science project.

Everything's back to normal.

Well, normal enough.

Hey, how'd you like to be part of a science project?

BEEPING

# Feels like I know the face

# As if I've seen it before

# They're taking over me

# Is it a dream, are you sure?

# Feels like I know the face

# Is it a dream, are you sure? #