A Strange Hill Christmas Strange Hill High


A Strange Hill Christmas

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Transcript


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Mwah-ha-ha!

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# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

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# Sneaky ain't the word See, what I've observed

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# Is there's no easy way To describe this stinky place

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# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

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# This is Strange Hill

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# Where a talking frog could eat your face

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# It's very, very random You'll get used to these debates

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# If you stick around

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# Although I wouldn't recommend it

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# When they used the name "Strange", mate, they really meant it

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# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

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# On every vest, I got the letters SOS

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# Cos you never known what might be lurking round the corner

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# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

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# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

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# Things won't always tend to go your way

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# Watch your back and be prepared

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# Can't wait for 3.30 - see you there!

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BELL RINGS

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

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-MISS GRIMSHAW:

-It may be the last day before the Christmas holiday,

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but you better be at your desks,

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-frowning as usual.

-GROANING

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I know I say this every Christmas

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and sometimes when it's not Christmas,

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but this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

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NO wishful thinking!

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Furn, school will be empty over holiday,

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so I brung you something so you'll know I'm thinking of ye.

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I think you're the only one happy to get a lump of coal for Christmas.

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HE LAUGHS

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NIMROD PLAYS "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"

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Nimrod, I'm glad you've got the spirit of the season.

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I was programmed to exhibit holiday cheer.

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Merry Christmas. You got an F.

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-You know what - I don't even care.

-I did know that.

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The Christmas holiday is hours away. Two whole weeks without school.

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I'm just going to sit patiently and ride this term out.

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I can't wait! I need a break now!

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How can they even have a day before a holiday? It's cruel.

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-They're taunting us.

-Today should be a holiday too -

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the day before holiday.

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By that logic, each day would be the one before holiday,

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therefore each day should be a holiday,

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therefore there would be no school days at all.

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Wicked.

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I'm gonna get us out early today, even if it takes me all day.

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-Two whole weeks without Tanner. I can't wait.

-Where are you going?

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The Tanner Hotel in Mitchell, Cornwall.

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Thinking about this break the last few months

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-is the only thing that's kept me sane.

-Barely.

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BELL RINGS

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There's got to be some way to bring this holiday sooner.

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Without tampering with the very fabric of time, right?

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Messing with that weird stuff has too many complications.

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I wish I could just break something.

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Come on, feed pipe! Why aren't you steaming?

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-BANG!

-Cos you're a post tube, that's why.

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Oh, now to wait out the remainder of this term in peace.

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BANGING, CLANKING HE SCREAMS

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Why is Murdoch getting so mad? I mean, beside the fact he's Murdoch?

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Because it's his job to maintain a comfortable temperature

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at the school at all times.

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If it ever gets too cold in the building,

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the school board will force Abercrombie to close...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why didn't you say this before?

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Because you might use this information

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to run off and do something stupid with it.

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He ran off stupidly thataways.

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-Phew! We caught you before you could...

-Duck!

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So throwing a bunch of textbooks in the furnace achieves nothing

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-temperature-wise.

-Mitchell!

-Why don't you just fiddle with the control?

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-Templeton!

-Well, which way is cooler and which way is hotter?

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You could just mess about until you found the right one.

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Becky!

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Ooh. We can't have that.

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That's better.

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I think you just made it hotter.

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GROANING

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Life imitates art.

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It's just making things hotter. What kind of screwy furnace is this?

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-One that works properly.

-HE GROANS

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Ah! Whoops! Not any more.

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ROARING, CREAKING, HISSING

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-Mitchell, I hope you learned your lesson.

-I certainly did.

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By doing things I was told not to, I got exactly what I wanted.

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This is going to be the greatest act of idiocy ever.

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THEY SHIVER

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-Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

-I'm thinking a little of both.

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Temperature and attitude.

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It's working! Any minute now, they'll have to close the school.

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Attention, fellow school sufferers -

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we will be getting an early dismissal today courtesy of yours truly.

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Ah, class - I know it's cold, so let's talk of something merry that

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will warm our hearts - The Black Death.

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I see Mr B's full of Christmas joy.

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He always gets this way around the holidays.

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Maybe it's cos he's got no-one and lives at the school.

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I get crabby having to spend a few hours here.

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Imagine spending a lifetime - and you're immortal.

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He must have some contact with the outside world.

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HORN HONKS

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MUSIC: "Postman Pat Theme"

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HE SHIVERS

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The furnace has blown out. It's gotten very nippy here.

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-Can you get the chill out?

-I am pretty chilled out about it.

-No.

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-I'M chilled.

-You don't seem so. You should cool it.

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That's exactly what I don't want to happen!

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Now fix it, and don't give me any heat!

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-But I thought that's what you wanted.

-Just do it!

-Fine.

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-But you don't have to be so frosty.

-But I AM frosty!

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HE SIGHS

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Oh. He's so sad and old and lonely.

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Let's help him!

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I was going to use those same reasons to run away, but OK.

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Mr B, do you have a place to go to for Christmas?

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I've got plenty of places.

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I mean, I have places I could go, but I'd rather stay here.

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But you're immortal! That means you've been lonely forever.

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Like my Aunt Doris - though she does have her kettle collection.

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I like the kettle that looks like a cat.

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Though, one of her many actual cats developed a friendship with it

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and now she can't use it

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cos the cat gets upset to see it on a fiery stove.

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-Are you quite done?

-Sorry. I just thought...

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You thought you could melt an old Scrooge's heart,

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and it would be just like A Christmas Carol.

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Sorry. Life doesn't work out like a Dickens novel.

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God bless us, everyone!

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HE SIGHS

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If you'll excuse me, I'm going to my office,

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where I can be alone with thousands of years of sad memories.

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It's so, so, so, so sad. Let's badger him into happiness!

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Badgers make everyone happy. They're the perfect holiday gift.

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-ABERCROMBIE:

-Attention, school.

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As Mr Murdoch has been unable to repair the furnace, it is

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with the tiniest regret that I must close the school early.

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The Christmas holiday begins...

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Grabbing my suitcase and running to the door before you can get there!

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-..now!

-BANGING

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It won't budge!

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Yo, how about through a window?

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-That's how I broke into the headmaster's office.

-Brilliant!

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I'd give you a commendation, but they all seem to be missing.

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MURDOCH GROANS

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It's froze shut!

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-Ooh, the phone is dead!

-And there's, like, no phone reception.

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-And my iPod's stuck on a Nicki Minaj song.

-Nicki Minaj! NICKI MINAJ!

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We're going to be stuck in school over Christmas!

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I really should stop trying to get out of things.

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Wish there was a way out of this.

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Everyone locked in school over Christmas? That's not good.

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BELLS JINGLE

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-THUDDING, HISSING

-That's not good at all.

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-BECKY:

-Maybe I can get someone's attention. There's a squirrel!

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He could be our only hope. Oh, Mr Squirrel!

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-SQUIRREL SQUEAKS

-Squirrelly! Get help!

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Contact the Red Cross... Oh, who am I kidding?

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It's just a squirrel. He has no idea of holidays!

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SQUEAKING

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TRAIN HORN TOOTING

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Even the squirrels have abandoned us!

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We're stuck in school with no way out!

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-Why am I being punished like this?

-Because it's your cosmic detention.

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Tanner! I know you're responsible for this.

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-For once, this fool is right.

-Thank you. I think.

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You're the reason that I'm freezing this season, yo.

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KIDS GRUMBLING

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This is even worse than being accused of something I didn't do.

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I'm gonna get whoever blabbed about me doing this.

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That was you! You blabbed to everyone who would listen!

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At least it can't get any worse. We're already freezing.

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Then let's all warm up by going to the gym and doing 1,000 press-ups.

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-GROANING

-Uh, Mr Creeper, don't you think

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we could do something with a little more Christmas spirit?

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You're right. We'll sing carols as we go. Come on, everyone.

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# Oh, come, all ye freezing

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CHILDREN: # Chilly and congealing

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# Oh, come, let us adore gym

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# Oh, come on, we abhor gym

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# I said that you'll adore gym

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# Or you'll give me 20 more. #

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-At least I have a partner in making things worse.

-This is Christmas time.

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I want to make things better for the less fortunate.

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Let's check on Mr Balding.

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-You just want to avoid gym.

-We are on holiday.

-We're on holiday now?

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-You're not exactly as I remember you, but come on, Mum and Dad!

-What?

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-HE GASPS

-Ah! Mitchell.

-Grandpa.

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No, Templeton, that's just Mr Balding - acting very suspiciously.

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When my grandpa acts suspiciously, he wants something,

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like love or food or to change his pyjamas.

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-HE STAMMERS

-Ah, hello, children.

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Nothing to see here.

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-BELLS JINGLING

-Or here. Quiet! Bah, humbug!

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-JINGLING CONTINUES

-Like I said...nothing.

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-Come on, Baldy, you can't lie to the master.

-You are very good.

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-Thanks, but you can't distract me with flattery either.

-Look! A bat!

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Nice try, but you're going to tell us what...

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-HE SCREAMS

-I warned you.

-Whoa!

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Mr B, you've been acting weird.

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Like you know there's something up with Christmas time at Strange Hill.

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You're normally the only one here.

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Something happens at Christmas, right? Hey, this hat works!

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It's the real Sherlock Holmes' actual hat.

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It has a brim on each end so no-one could tell which way he was going.

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-You ought to have seen his trousers.

-Trousers schmousers, Baldy.

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-What do you know about Christmas and when did you know it?

-Long story.

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Don't you children have something you'd rather do?

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I'm very longwinded and quite slow.

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No, Grandpa, we're here to see you.

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-No matter how annoying you are.

-I'd love to hear a nice long story.

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-Uh, actually, could you give me...

-It was hundreds of years ago.

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596 AD, as a matter of fact.

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HE GROANS Even exercise is looking good now.

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# Don't rest your lazy, flabby butts

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# But, please, we're in dismay

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# Remember it was Mitchell who put you here today

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# But he snuck off, so typical, it's us who have to pay

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# With squats and sit-ups and bends

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# Sit-ups and bends

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# With squats and sit-ups and bends. #

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And so you see, we weren't just classmates here at Strange Hill -

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we were the best of friends.

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Kris Kringle and you.

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But when he was selected to be Father Christmas over me,

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well, I became quite jealous.

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I'd be jealous if Templeton were the Easter Bunny.

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I'd still give you eggs, but things would never be the same.

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And that's why come Christmas time, I'd rather be alone

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than inflict my bitterness on anyone.

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-Could you inflict some more biscuits on us, though?

-Oh, yes. Of course.

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HE YAWNS

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All this reminiscing has tuckered me out.

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Now, you run along! I think I'll have a nice nap.

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HE SNORES

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DOOR CLOSES

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They fell for it! Me of all people telling a lie.

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I must say, it was a little thrilling.

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BELLS JINGLING

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MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"

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SHIVERING

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Can't sleep. Can't stop thinking how Tanner's responsible for this.

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Some nice warm milk - that will help me get back to bed

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and take my mind off Mitchell.

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HE SCREAMS Good evening, Mr Abercrombie.

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What'll it be, sir?

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Oh, no, no. Nothing. Thank you...Tanner.

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A brisk walk will clear my mind.

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SINISTER MUSIC

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-HE SCREAMS

-Have you seen Mitchell?

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He's going to play with us. Fun.

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-You can play too. More fun.

-HE SCREAMS

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A classroom - the one place Tanner would never go.

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DOOR CREAKING So this is a classroom. Cool.

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HE SCREAMS

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WHEELS WHOOSH

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HE SCREAMS

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Oh. Uh... Where'd you go?

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I couldn't sleep, so I went to the kitchen to get something to eat.

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Then I tried to find the twins to play with them.

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Then I stood in a classroom and I rode my skateboard around.

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Then I came back here.

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-ABERCROMBIE SCREAMS

-What's up with him?

-I don't know.

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-I think Abercrombie is frozen too.

-I'm fine!

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Just a little stir-crazy from being stuck in the Tanner for two Tanner.

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Now, Tanner along.

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I know, like, I'm always saying this, but this place is grim.

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It just needs some holiday cheer.

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Cook, can you prepare a yummy traditional Christmas meal?

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Well, I understood traditional and Christmas.

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Now, Christmas demands decorations. Let's find some!

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-There's not a single cheerful thing in this school.

-Hello, friends!

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-I mean that we can hang on a wall.

-Hello again!

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-HE LAUGHS

-Good luck finding decorations!

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HE SIGHS

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It'll take forever to find any decorations in here.

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Can't we just make do with some birthday balloons

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and a weird picture of some freaky kids?

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That's Mr Balding's class portrait.

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I don't see anyone who looks like Santa Claus.

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Santa must have looked different then.

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As a boy, his beard definitely wouldn't have been white. Whoa!

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Decorations! It's like someone didn't want us to find them.

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-But it says, "Do not display." So we should display 'em, right?

-Oh, yeah.

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I'm sure that's because they're so wonderful and cheery,

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and in Victorian times, they liked things grim and frowny.

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Like this guy. "King Henry's Christmassy Crackers."

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-"Off with your hands!" Awesome.

-Mitchell, be careful!

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Those are really old, unstable and likely to blow at any minute.

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Like Abercrombie. BANG!

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Cool! These are coming too.

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Stopping messing around and help me carry these dangerous explosives.

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-Eh?

-Whatever you do, Temps, don't drop any.

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-BANG!

-Ouch.

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-BANG!

-Ouch.

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-BANG!

-Ouch!

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"Merry Christmas from Victoria."

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Nice greeting from the Beckhams, but, boy, she's gotten fat.

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Oh! Oh, nothing like a nap to calm you down

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and make you feel everything is OK.

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Oh. This is not all OK. I...

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-Oh! No!

-RIP!

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-No!

-Oh!

-No!

-HE GROANS

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-Now teachers is vandalising.

-We're living in crazy times, Bishop.

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How's the holiday meal?

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Uh, it's been quite challenging trying to cook without any heat.

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But I've managed to whip up a few traditional dishes -

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iced turkey with frozen gravy squares and pigs in down blankets.

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-Oh, and parsnicles.

-I know how to make these more Christmassy - sugar.

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Coats and coats of sparkly sugar!

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Sugar and...ice sculptures!

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-SHE GASPS

-Kids, I like your bad thinking.

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CRACKLING

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We may have no heat, but tonight,

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we've prepared a special Christmas dinner to warm our hearts.

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So no complaining and no spitting your food out. Enjoy.

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CHILDREN EXCLAIM

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-Now you've done it!

-Mr B! It's one thing to be a cranky old Scrooge,

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but to ruin it for everyone is quite selfish.

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SINISTER CACKLING

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-Hey...the food's gone.

-ALL GASP

0:16:430:16:46

Elves!

0:16:460:16:47

Your Christmas treats and relentless good spirits have attracted elves!

0:16:470:16:52

And now we're done for!

0:16:520:16:53

CACKLING

0:16:530:16:57

But I thought elves were Santa's helpers. They make the gifts.

0:17:000:17:03

They make off with the gifts, and destroy and eat everything else.

0:17:030:17:08

But all those legends filling my impressionable young head!

0:17:080:17:11

The truth gets twisted over the years and becomes legend.

0:17:110:17:15

Santa and I had to fight them off every year

0:17:150:17:18

until we finally contained them with the help of Wolfman.

0:17:180:17:21

The Wolfman is real?

0:17:210:17:23

-Jonathan is very real, yes.

-CACKLING

0:17:230:17:26

The elves have been locked away for so long,

0:17:290:17:31

and with them released so close to Christmas,

0:17:310:17:33

I'm afraid there won't be much of a holiday for anyone this year.

0:17:330:17:36

CACKLING

0:17:360:17:39

I'll never be able to get out of the school tonight!

0:17:440:17:48

ALARM BLARES

0:17:480:17:49

Yes, Rudodolph, we're in quite a fix.

0:17:490:17:53

Oh!

0:17:540:17:56

"Dear Santa - for Christmas this year,

0:17:560:17:59

"I want a doll that claps her hands and drives a truck."

0:17:590:18:02

I'm sorry, Molly. Looks like no-one will be getting presents this year.

0:18:020:18:08

Oh, oh, oh...

0:18:080:18:09

-CACKLING

-Hey, stop eating my food.

0:18:100:18:13

You're ruining my reputation.

0:18:130:18:15

HE SCREAMS

0:18:150:18:16

ELF CACKLES

0:18:160:18:17

SCREAMING

0:18:170:18:19

-CACKLING

-Where'd they go?

0:18:220:18:24

HE GASPS

0:18:250:18:27

CACKLING

0:18:270:18:29

-Oh!

-Look out! Right behind me!

0:18:290:18:33

HE GROANS

0:18:330:18:36

CACKLING

0:18:370:18:39

Mitchell, we've got to help him.

0:18:390:18:41

-They seem to take particular pleasure in tormenting him.

-Hold up.

0:18:410:18:45

They might be allies. Friends.

0:18:450:18:47

Hello! A cheery...

0:18:470:18:50

-I could be wrong about that friendship part.

-Tanner!

0:18:500:18:53

-Did you just rescue me?

-Uh...I guess I did.

0:18:530:18:56

-You won't tell anyone, will you?

-What do you want?

0:18:560:18:58

-HIGH VOICE

-Good cheer.

0:18:580:19:00

Oh! So do I!

0:19:000:19:02

To eat!

0:19:020:19:04

You really don't want to eat us. We're full of sour pre-teen angst.

0:19:040:19:08

-You brought cold to the school. You brought us.

-Great.

0:19:080:19:12

-Now I'm being blamed by elves.

-You will help us escape into the world.

0:19:120:19:15

Earth is full of good cheer this time of year.

0:19:150:19:18

And if I don't help you?

0:19:180:19:19

-SINISTER VOICE

-You will perish.

-Whoa!

0:19:190:19:22

-I thought all elves have high, funny voices.

-It's a regional thing.

0:19:220:19:25

We all talk like this in Lollipopland.

0:19:250:19:28

-Now, help us, or...

-J. R. R. Tolkien, forgive me!

0:19:280:19:31

-An improper use of lollipops.

-Run, children, run!

0:19:330:19:37

ALL SCREAM

0:19:370:19:40

-Abs, did you just rescue me?

-You won't tell anyone, will you?

0:19:400:19:44

Two elves together are cute, three adorable,

0:19:440:19:47

but hundreds in a thriving mass?

0:19:470:19:49

SCREAMING

0:19:490:19:50

ELVES HISSING

0:19:520:19:55

I always knew it would end for me like this.

0:19:550:19:58

HISSING

0:19:580:19:59

I guess we should exchange gifts and Christmas greetings now!

0:19:590:20:03

I don't have anything to give! Except...

0:20:030:20:06

BANG!

0:20:060:20:08

HISSING

0:20:080:20:10

They don't like heat. Have you got any more?

0:20:100:20:13

BANG, BANG! HISSING

0:20:130:20:15

CRACKERS CONTINUE BANGING, ELVES CONTINUE HISSING

0:20:170:20:21

Toss more crackers this way!

0:20:230:20:25

At the furnace! We need more kindling.

0:20:250:20:28

-How about this sack of letters?

-Wait!

0:20:280:20:30

Those are from children around the world. I haven't read all the...

0:20:300:20:35

Oh, well. What's a few hundred thousand disappointed kids?

0:20:360:20:41

HISSING

0:20:430:20:46

RATTLING

0:20:460:20:47

Go on! Back to Lollipopland!

0:20:490:20:53

I'm from Dingle Dell, actually. But so long, sucker!

0:20:530:20:57

HISSING

0:20:590:21:01

-TWINS:

-Ooh.

-HE LAUGHS

0:21:030:21:06

THEY LAUGH

0:21:060:21:08

-HE LAUGHS

-Like, really.

0:21:080:21:10

-BELLS JINGLING

-Ho, ho, ho!

0:21:120:21:16

-Well, uh...Tanner, I guess I'll see you after the new year.

-Yeah.

0:21:170:21:22

-I...I guess.

-Um...if ever there was a time to say this...Merry Christmas.

0:21:220:21:28

-Wait. What about Mr Balding?

-Eh. I'm sure he has stuff to do.

0:21:300:21:35

On, Rudodolph. Ho, ho! On!

0:21:350:21:39

This isn't the number 86 bus to Chorlton.

0:21:390:21:42

Ho, ho, ho!

0:21:420:21:45

# I'mma have to yell this

0:21:460:21:47

# If you can help it

0:21:470:21:49

# Don't, d-don't

0:21:490:21:50

# Don't be elfish!

0:21:500:21:51

# I'mma have to yell this

0:21:510:21:53

# If you can help it

0:21:530:21:54

# Don't ruin your Christmas with this if you can help it

0:21:540:21:57

# Don't be elfish! #

0:21:570:21:59

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