A Strange Hill Christmas Strange Hill High

Mwah-ha-ha!

# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word See, what I've observed

# Is there's no easy way To describe this stinky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill

# Where a talking frog could eat your face

# It's very, very random You'll get used to these debates

# If you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name "Strange", mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

# On every vest, I got the letters SOS

# Cos you never known what might be lurking round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared

# Can't wait for 3.30 - see you there!

BELL RINGS

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

-MISS GRIMSHAW:

-It may be the last day before the Christmas holiday,

but you better be at your desks,

-frowning as usual.

-GROANING

I know I say this every Christmas

and sometimes when it's not Christmas,

but this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

NO wishful thinking!

Furn, school will be empty over holiday,

so I brung you something so you'll know I'm thinking of ye.

I think you're the only one happy to get a lump of coal for Christmas.

HE LAUGHS

NIMROD PLAYS "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"

Nimrod, I'm glad you've got the spirit of the season.

I was programmed to exhibit holiday cheer.

Merry Christmas. You got an F.

-You know what - I don't even care.

-I did know that.

The Christmas holiday is hours away. Two whole weeks without school.

I'm just going to sit patiently and ride this term out.

I can't wait! I need a break now!

How can they even have a day before a holiday? It's cruel.

-They're taunting us.

-Today should be a holiday too -

the day before holiday.

By that logic, each day would be the one before holiday,

therefore each day should be a holiday,

therefore there would be no school days at all.

Wicked.

I'm gonna get us out early today, even if it takes me all day.

-Two whole weeks without Tanner. I can't wait.

-Where are you going?

The Tanner Hotel in Mitchell, Cornwall.

Thinking about this break the last few months

-is the only thing that's kept me sane.

-Barely.

BELL RINGS

There's got to be some way to bring this holiday sooner.

Without tampering with the very fabric of time, right?

Messing with that weird stuff has too many complications.

I wish I could just break something.

Come on, feed pipe! Why aren't you steaming?

-BANG!

-Cos you're a post tube, that's why.

Oh, now to wait out the remainder of this term in peace.

BANGING, CLANKING HE SCREAMS

Why is Murdoch getting so mad? I mean, beside the fact he's Murdoch?

Because it's his job to maintain a comfortable temperature

at the school at all times.

If it ever gets too cold in the building,

the school board will force Abercrombie to close...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why didn't you say this before?

Because you might use this information

to run off and do something stupid with it.

He ran off stupidly thataways.

-Phew! We caught you before you could...

-Duck!

So throwing a bunch of textbooks in the furnace achieves nothing

-temperature-wise.

-Mitchell!

-Why don't you just fiddle with the control?

-Templeton!

-Well, which way is cooler and which way is hotter?

You could just mess about until you found the right one.

Becky!

Ooh. We can't have that.

That's better.

I think you just made it hotter.

GROANING

Life imitates art.

It's just making things hotter. What kind of screwy furnace is this?

-One that works properly.

-HE GROANS

Ah! Whoops! Not any more.

ROARING, CREAKING, HISSING

-Mitchell, I hope you learned your lesson.

-I certainly did.

By doing things I was told not to, I got exactly what I wanted.

This is going to be the greatest act of idiocy ever.

THEY SHIVER

-Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

-I'm thinking a little of both.

Temperature and attitude.

It's working! Any minute now, they'll have to close the school.

Attention, fellow school sufferers -

we will be getting an early dismissal today courtesy of yours truly.

Ah, class - I know it's cold, so let's talk of something merry that

will warm our hearts - The Black Death.

I see Mr B's full of Christmas joy.

He always gets this way around the holidays.

Maybe it's cos he's got no-one and lives at the school.

I get crabby having to spend a few hours here.

Imagine spending a lifetime - and you're immortal.

He must have some contact with the outside world.

HORN HONKS

MUSIC: "Postman Pat Theme"

HE SHIVERS

The furnace has blown out. It's gotten very nippy here.

-Can you get the chill out?

-I am pretty chilled out about it.

-No.

-I'M chilled.

-You don't seem so. You should cool it.

That's exactly what I don't want to happen!

Now fix it, and don't give me any heat!

-But I thought that's what you wanted.

-Just do it!

-Fine.

-But you don't have to be so frosty.

-But I AM frosty!

HE SIGHS

Oh. He's so sad and old and lonely.

Let's help him!

I was going to use those same reasons to run away, but OK.

Mr B, do you have a place to go to for Christmas?

I've got plenty of places.

I mean, I have places I could go, but I'd rather stay here.

But you're immortal! That means you've been lonely forever.

Like my Aunt Doris - though she does have her kettle collection.

I like the kettle that looks like a cat.

Though, one of her many actual cats developed a friendship with it

and now she can't use it

cos the cat gets upset to see it on a fiery stove.

-Are you quite done?

-Sorry. I just thought...

You thought you could melt an old Scrooge's heart,

and it would be just like A Christmas Carol.

Sorry. Life doesn't work out like a Dickens novel.

God bless us, everyone!

HE SIGHS

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to my office,

where I can be alone with thousands of years of sad memories.

It's so, so, so, so sad. Let's badger him into happiness!

Badgers make everyone happy. They're the perfect holiday gift.

-ABERCROMBIE:

-Attention, school.

As Mr Murdoch has been unable to repair the furnace, it is

with the tiniest regret that I must close the school early.

The Christmas holiday begins...

Grabbing my suitcase and running to the door before you can get there!

-..now!

-BANGING

It won't budge!

Yo, how about through a window?

-That's how I broke into the headmaster's office.

-Brilliant!

I'd give you a commendation, but they all seem to be missing.

MURDOCH GROANS

It's froze shut!

-Ooh, the phone is dead!

-And there's, like, no phone reception.

-And my iPod's stuck on a Nicki Minaj song.

-Nicki Minaj! NICKI MINAJ!

We're going to be stuck in school over Christmas!

I really should stop trying to get out of things.

Wish there was a way out of this.

Everyone locked in school over Christmas? That's not good.

BELLS JINGLE

-THUDDING, HISSING

-That's not good at all.

-BECKY:

-Maybe I can get someone's attention. There's a squirrel!

He could be our only hope. Oh, Mr Squirrel!

-SQUIRREL SQUEAKS

-Squirrelly! Get help!

Contact the Red Cross... Oh, who am I kidding?

It's just a squirrel. He has no idea of holidays!

SQUEAKING

TRAIN HORN TOOTING

Even the squirrels have abandoned us!

We're stuck in school with no way out!

-Why am I being punished like this?

-Because it's your cosmic detention.

Tanner! I know you're responsible for this.

-For once, this fool is right.

-Thank you. I think.

You're the reason that I'm freezing this season, yo.

KIDS GRUMBLING

This is even worse than being accused of something I didn't do.

I'm gonna get whoever blabbed about me doing this.

That was you! You blabbed to everyone who would listen!

At least it can't get any worse. We're already freezing.

Then let's all warm up by going to the gym and doing 1,000 press-ups.

-GROANING

-Uh, Mr Creeper, don't you think

we could do something with a little more Christmas spirit?

You're right. We'll sing carols as we go. Come on, everyone.

# Oh, come, all ye freezing

CHILDREN: # Chilly and congealing

# Oh, come, let us adore gym

# Oh, come on, we abhor gym

# I said that you'll adore gym

# Or you'll give me 20 more. #

-At least I have a partner in making things worse.

-This is Christmas time.

I want to make things better for the less fortunate.

Let's check on Mr Balding.

-You just want to avoid gym.

-We are on holiday.

-We're on holiday now?

-You're not exactly as I remember you, but come on, Mum and Dad!

-What?

-HE GASPS

-Ah! Mitchell.

-Grandpa.

No, Templeton, that's just Mr Balding - acting very suspiciously.

When my grandpa acts suspiciously, he wants something,

like love or food or to change his pyjamas.

-HE STAMMERS

-Ah, hello, children.

Nothing to see here.

-BELLS JINGLING

-Or here. Quiet! Bah, humbug!

-JINGLING CONTINUES

-Like I said...nothing.

-Come on, Baldy, you can't lie to the master.

-You are very good.

-Thanks, but you can't distract me with flattery either.

-Look! A bat!

Nice try, but you're going to tell us what...

-HE SCREAMS

-I warned you.

-Whoa!

Mr B, you've been acting weird.

Like you know there's something up with Christmas time at Strange Hill.

You're normally the only one here.

Something happens at Christmas, right? Hey, this hat works!

It's the real Sherlock Holmes' actual hat.

It has a brim on each end so no-one could tell which way he was going.

-You ought to have seen his trousers.

-Trousers schmousers, Baldy.

-What do you know about Christmas and when did you know it?

-Long story.

Don't you children have something you'd rather do?

I'm very longwinded and quite slow.

No, Grandpa, we're here to see you.

-No matter how annoying you are.

-I'd love to hear a nice long story.

-Uh, actually, could you give me...

-It was hundreds of years ago.

596 AD, as a matter of fact.

HE GROANS Even exercise is looking good now.

# Don't rest your lazy, flabby butts

# But, please, we're in dismay

# Remember it was Mitchell who put you here today

# But he snuck off, so typical, it's us who have to pay

# With squats and sit-ups and bends

# Sit-ups and bends

# With squats and sit-ups and bends. #

And so you see, we weren't just classmates here at Strange Hill -

we were the best of friends.

Kris Kringle and you.

But when he was selected to be Father Christmas over me,

well, I became quite jealous.

I'd be jealous if Templeton were the Easter Bunny.

I'd still give you eggs, but things would never be the same.

And that's why come Christmas time, I'd rather be alone

than inflict my bitterness on anyone.

-Could you inflict some more biscuits on us, though?

-Oh, yes. Of course.

HE YAWNS

All this reminiscing has tuckered me out.

Now, you run along! I think I'll have a nice nap.

HE SNORES

DOOR CLOSES

They fell for it! Me of all people telling a lie.

I must say, it was a little thrilling.

BELLS JINGLING

MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"

SHIVERING

Can't sleep. Can't stop thinking how Tanner's responsible for this.

Some nice warm milk - that will help me get back to bed

and take my mind off Mitchell.

HE SCREAMS Good evening, Mr Abercrombie.

What'll it be, sir?

Oh, no, no. Nothing. Thank you...Tanner.

A brisk walk will clear my mind.

SINISTER MUSIC

-HE SCREAMS

-Have you seen Mitchell?

He's going to play with us. Fun.

-You can play too. More fun.

-HE SCREAMS

A classroom - the one place Tanner would never go.

DOOR CREAKING So this is a classroom. Cool.

HE SCREAMS

WHEELS WHOOSH

HE SCREAMS

Oh. Uh... Where'd you go?

I couldn't sleep, so I went to the kitchen to get something to eat.

Then I tried to find the twins to play with them.

Then I stood in a classroom and I rode my skateboard around.

Then I came back here.

-ABERCROMBIE SCREAMS

-What's up with him?

-I don't know.

-I think Abercrombie is frozen too.

-I'm fine!

Just a little stir-crazy from being stuck in the Tanner for two Tanner.

Now, Tanner along.

I know, like, I'm always saying this, but this place is grim.

It just needs some holiday cheer.

Cook, can you prepare a yummy traditional Christmas meal?

Well, I understood traditional and Christmas.

Now, Christmas demands decorations. Let's find some!

-There's not a single cheerful thing in this school.

-Hello, friends!

-I mean that we can hang on a wall.

-Hello again!

-HE LAUGHS

-Good luck finding decorations!

HE SIGHS

It'll take forever to find any decorations in here.

Can't we just make do with some birthday balloons

and a weird picture of some freaky kids?

That's Mr Balding's class portrait.

I don't see anyone who looks like Santa Claus.

Santa must have looked different then.

As a boy, his beard definitely wouldn't have been white. Whoa!

Decorations! It's like someone didn't want us to find them.

-But it says, "Do not display." So we should display 'em, right?

-Oh, yeah.

I'm sure that's because they're so wonderful and cheery,

and in Victorian times, they liked things grim and frowny.

Like this guy. "King Henry's Christmassy Crackers."

-"Off with your hands!" Awesome.

-Mitchell, be careful!

Those are really old, unstable and likely to blow at any minute.

Like Abercrombie. BANG!

Cool! These are coming too.

Stopping messing around and help me carry these dangerous explosives.

-Eh?

-Whatever you do, Temps, don't drop any.

-BANG!

-Ouch.

-BANG!

-Ouch.

-BANG!

-Ouch!

"Merry Christmas from Victoria."

Nice greeting from the Beckhams, but, boy, she's gotten fat.

Oh! Oh, nothing like a nap to calm you down

and make you feel everything is OK.

Oh. This is not all OK. I...

-Oh! No!

-RIP!

-No!

-Oh!

-No!

-HE GROANS

-Now teachers is vandalising.

-We're living in crazy times, Bishop.

How's the holiday meal?

Uh, it's been quite challenging trying to cook without any heat.

But I've managed to whip up a few traditional dishes -

iced turkey with frozen gravy squares and pigs in down blankets.

-Oh, and parsnicles.

-I know how to make these more Christmassy - sugar.

Coats and coats of sparkly sugar!

Sugar and...ice sculptures!

-SHE GASPS

-Kids, I like your bad thinking.

CRACKLING

We may have no heat, but tonight,

we've prepared a special Christmas dinner to warm our hearts.

So no complaining and no spitting your food out. Enjoy.

CHILDREN EXCLAIM

-Now you've done it!

-Mr B! It's one thing to be a cranky old Scrooge,

but to ruin it for everyone is quite selfish.

SINISTER CACKLING

-Hey...the food's gone.

-ALL GASP

Elves!

Your Christmas treats and relentless good spirits have attracted elves!

And now we're done for!

CACKLING

But I thought elves were Santa's helpers. They make the gifts.

They make off with the gifts, and destroy and eat everything else.

But all those legends filling my impressionable young head!

The truth gets twisted over the years and becomes legend.

Santa and I had to fight them off every year

until we finally contained them with the help of Wolfman.

The Wolfman is real?

-Jonathan is very real, yes.

-CACKLING

The elves have been locked away for so long,

and with them released so close to Christmas,

I'm afraid there won't be much of a holiday for anyone this year.

CACKLING

I'll never be able to get out of the school tonight!

ALARM BLARES

Yes, Rudodolph, we're in quite a fix.

Oh!

"Dear Santa - for Christmas this year,

"I want a doll that claps her hands and drives a truck."

I'm sorry, Molly. Looks like no-one will be getting presents this year.

Oh, oh, oh...

-CACKLING

-Hey, stop eating my food.

You're ruining my reputation.

HE SCREAMS

ELF CACKLES

SCREAMING

-CACKLING

-Where'd they go?

HE GASPS

CACKLING

-Oh!

-Look out! Right behind me!

HE GROANS

CACKLING

Mitchell, we've got to help him.

-They seem to take particular pleasure in tormenting him.

-Hold up.

They might be allies. Friends.

Hello! A cheery...

-I could be wrong about that friendship part.

-Tanner!

-Did you just rescue me?

-Uh...I guess I did.

-You won't tell anyone, will you?

-What do you want?

-HIGH VOICE

-Good cheer.

Oh! So do I!

To eat!

You really don't want to eat us. We're full of sour pre-teen angst.

-You brought cold to the school. You brought us.

-Great.

-Now I'm being blamed by elves.

-You will help us escape into the world.

Earth is full of good cheer this time of year.

And if I don't help you?

-SINISTER VOICE

-You will perish.

-Whoa!

-I thought all elves have high, funny voices.

-It's a regional thing.

We all talk like this in Lollipopland.

-Now, help us, or...

-J. R. R. Tolkien, forgive me!

-An improper use of lollipops.

-Run, children, run!

ALL SCREAM

-Abs, did you just rescue me?

-You won't tell anyone, will you?

Two elves together are cute, three adorable,

but hundreds in a thriving mass?

SCREAMING

ELVES HISSING

I always knew it would end for me like this.

HISSING

I guess we should exchange gifts and Christmas greetings now!

I don't have anything to give! Except...

BANG!

HISSING

They don't like heat. Have you got any more?

BANG, BANG! HISSING

CRACKERS CONTINUE BANGING, ELVES CONTINUE HISSING

Toss more crackers this way!

At the furnace! We need more kindling.

-How about this sack of letters?

-Wait!

Those are from children around the world. I haven't read all the...

Oh, well. What's a few hundred thousand disappointed kids?

HISSING

RATTLING

Go on! Back to Lollipopland!

I'm from Dingle Dell, actually. But so long, sucker!

HISSING

-TWINS:

-Ooh.

-HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

-HE LAUGHS

-Like, really.

-BELLS JINGLING

-Ho, ho, ho!

-Well, uh...Tanner, I guess I'll see you after the new year.

-Yeah.

-I...I guess.

-Um...if ever there was a time to say this...Merry Christmas.

-Wait. What about Mr Balding?

-Eh. I'm sure he has stuff to do.

On, Rudodolph. Ho, ho! On!

This isn't the number 86 bus to Chorlton.

Ho, ho, ho!

# I'mma have to yell this

# If you can help it

# Don't, d-don't

# Don't be elfish!

# I'mma have to yell this

# If you can help it

# Don't ruin your Christmas with this if you can help it

# Don't be elfish! #