Episode 3 The Dog Ate My Homework

BELL RINGS

ANGRY MUMBLING

ONE DIRECTION PLAY THROUGH HEADPHONES

Oh! Oh, hello!

I was listening to Coldplay! That's worse.

Hello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Iain Stirling. Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school.

I mean, school's all right, but one of the best things about school

is leaving.

School's good! I'm not saying school's not good,

but when you hear that bell at the end of the day

you're like, "Freedooooom! Yes!"

The best way to leave school, I think, is on a school trip.

You go on a school trip, you've got to go on the school bus,

and a school bus always smells weird to me.

It smells like there's a wee old man at the back

with smelly feet, just sitting there.

Like a weird mixture of smelly feet and mouldy cheese.

It smells like a mouse has trumped. That's what it smells like.

And also, when you've got a bus, the bus driver is either

really, really, really happy,

or he's that miserable man that sits there, not speaking,

with the same expression on his face all the time.

I couldn't imagine him in real life.

You wouldn't know how he felt about anything. He'd be like,

"Yes! Yes, I've just won the lottery, I'm going to buy a new house!"

"Oh, no, I've lost my passport, I can't go on holiday!"

Also, with school trips, you get the packed lunches. They are terrible.

I don't know what people's thinking was behind the packed lunches.

It's like schoolteachers went,

"Do you know what? What's already terrible? School lunches.

"So how about for school trips, we'll make them worse

"and in a brown bag." Always in a brown bag.

There's nothing more disappointing than opening your brown bag

just to find a mouldy sandwich and a warm yoghurt with no spoon!

So you've got to eat the yoghurt with your fingers,

just shovelling it into your face.

"I love my school trip, it's the best day ever. Ugh."

Right, guys, let's get on with the show.

Can I have the school bell, please?

CRASH

I'm going to have to get that fixed.

Right, let's meet the teams, come on!

OK! On my left we've got someone who's an expert in languages...

He speaks authentic gobbledygook! It's Luke!

Hello!

And on Luke's team, his bite is much worse than his bark,

but he always takes the lead...

-it's Dodge T Dog!

-What? Oh! Hi!

He's 50% of a double act,

but is he the front or the back of the horse?

-Yes, it's Mark from Sam and Mark.

-The back!

Give it up for Luke's team, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on my right we have a girl who's lost her spot

on the school trampolining team.

But don't worry, because she's bounced right back. It's Nina!

Wooo!

And on Nina's team -

she's faced deadly spiders and killer sharks,

but she eventually found her way out of the sports hall.

-It's Naomi Wilkinson!

-Hiya!

And joining them is a chap whose report card reads,

"Always good at standing on the left."

Not to be left out, it's Sam from Sam and Mark.

Give it up for Nina's team, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Think of me as a generous giver of stars.

I will give you one flashy gold star for every game you win.

AUDIENCE: Ooooooooh!

Indeed. And if you really impress me,

I might even let you have a bonus gold star. But I can also...

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

They do like a gold star in the room. But I might also take them away.

Get away!

AUDIENCE: Awww.

I know, it's a shame.

As far as this thing goes, don't forget, it's Iain's School so it's...

AUDIENCE: IAIN'S RULES!!!

The team with the most gold stars at the end of the show

gets to hand in their homework. And the losers?

They'll have detention with our frightening PE teacher,

a man so big he gets fan mail from the Incredible Hulk.

It's Mr Smash.

HE GROWLS

PFFRRT!

LAUGHTER

That is proper disgusting.

Right, enough already. Let's get on with this thing!

OK, this is the round that'll have you thinking on your feet

whilst you're sitting on your bums.

It's Stick to the Point!

VOICEOVER: STICK TO THE POINT!

He just said it again.

In this round, I'll throw you some tricky questions

and when I point to you you need to shout out,

as quick as you can, the correct answer.

If you dither or repeat something that's already been said,

I'm going to knock you out of the round,

and you have to sit in the Shoosh Position. Shoosh!

Make it to the end and a glorious gold star awaits your lucky team.

Now, where did my pointy stick go?

-You mean this one?

-Yeah. Give it!

Why have you got that?

-I'm a retriever, Iain!

-LAUGHTER

Eh?! Dog jokes! He-he-he.

He's brought his joke with him.

-How long you been practising that one for?

-About two days.

Good. You nailed it, mate.

It went down well, they laughed... Well, he laughed!

Let's start then, all right? Things associated with Doctor Who.

-Sam? TARDIS! Mark?

-Dalek!

-You've got to sing every answer from now on in. Nina?

-Exterminate.

-Luke?

-A magic pen...thing.

LAUGHTER

Get in the Shoosh Position!

-Naomi?

-Cybermen!

-Good! Gold star for singing.

-Thank you!

-Dodge?

-Sonic lipstick!

-I'll give you that.

-Nina?

-Screwdriver!

Sonic screwdriver, that's what I meant!

Yes, but you didn't say sonic, so get in the Shoosh Position.

ALL: Oooooh.

-Oh, dear! Mark?

-Old people!

-Sam?

-David Tennant!

-Mark?

-The other ones!

-Sam?

-The new Doctor!

-Mark?

-Who! Who! Who did it?!

-Sam! Mark!

-Billie Piper!

-Sam! Mark! Sam! Mark!

-Billie Piper!

-Oh, Billie Piper!

-Sam! Mark!

-Billie Piper!

-Hello!

-Both get in the Shoosh Positions!

-Naomi?

-Erm...

-Get in the Shoosh Position!

The points go to Luke's team in that round.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-OK, bad habits. Mark?

-Picking your nose.

-Sam?

-Biting your fingernails.

-Luke?

-Biting the skin on your fingers.

-Naomi?

-Pulling out your eyelashes. I do it, it's a really bad habit.

-Naomi?

-Another one?!

-Yes, that's the way the game works!

-Trumping!

-Huh?

-Trumping!

-Yes. Dodge?

PFFFRRRT!

LAUGHTER

-Shoosh yourself!

-Shoosh, Dodge.

-The other end!

-Sam?

-Cracking your fingers!

-CRACK

ALL: Ugh!

Gold star for that, it was loud.

-Mark?

-Not flushing the toilet.

-AUDIENCE: Ugh!

I don't do it! I'm just saying that's a terrible habit!

-What, you don't flush the toilet?!

-No, not me, no!

I mean it's a terrible habit for someone to do.

-Naomi?

-Um...

Get in the Shoosh Position!

-Dodge?

-Weeing in the snow.

LAUGHTER

-Sam?

-Eating with your mouth open.

-Right, you both seem disgusting,

it looks like neither team's going to go out,

so I'm going to give you both the gold star in that round.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Final one - things that are round.

-Naomi?

-A football.

-Dodge?

-The moon.

-Nina?

-A general ball.

LAUGHTER

"Hi, hi, guys, are you coming out for a party today?

"Yeah, we're going to play some sports,

"could you just bring the general ball?

"I can't decide if want to play, like, rugby, or basketball,

"just bring the general ball, man."

-Luke?

-Dodge's dog ball.

-Yes!

-Sam?

-A pie chart.

-Ooo-oooh! Gold star!

-Thank you!

-Mark?

-First time he's ever said pie chart in his life!

-No, wrong, Shoosh Position!

-No!

-Dodge?

-My eye!

LAUGHTER

-Nina?

-Nostril.

-Yes.

-Luke?

-My legs...when I do this.

-What?!

LAUGHTER

-Nah, that's more like a diamond.

-That's a kite shape.

-No, that's a gold star!

-No, it's a diamond. Get in the Shoosh Position.

-OK. Sam?

-Sponge cake.

-Sam?

-Sponge... A sponge!

-Sam?

-My watch face!

-Sam?

-Erm...this glass!

-Sam?

-Top of my coffee pot that I've got secretly hidden under the table!

Sam? Get in the Shoosh Position!

-Dodge?

-A circle thing.

No. They're out. Nina's team, you get the gold star in that round!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round the winner is...

Nina's team!

-Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw!

-Oh, no, it's the school nurse.

-Hello, Iain. It's time for your eye test.

-OK, let's do this.

Right, now, I've drawn a number on a board. Are you ready?

Now, can you tell me what you can see?

Nothing.

I'll bring the number a wee bit closer.

No, no, nothing!

I'll bring the number a wee bit closer. Can you see the number now?

Nothing is on the card!

-SHE SIGHS

-Well, you've failed your eye test.

Put these on, come on.

I don't think these are helping.

-Right, now, can you see this one?

-Yeah, I can see that one.

There we go, I'm a miracle worker! Thank you! Nee-naw, nee-naw...

School nurse, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time to dust off your history books

and learn about people who are now just a distant memory.

Like Queen Victoria, Julius Caesar,

that bloke on CBBC who used to talk to Hacker T Dog...

LAUGHTER

..it's Who Do You Think I Am?!

GROANS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Guys? Yeah?

-It's a very, very good round.

-No, it's not.

No, listen, young Luke. Listen, young Luke, I got a call

to do King Lear at the National Theatre the other year.

I mean, it was a wrong number, but their loss is our gain,

because I am going to do some acting for you all now,

so let's go over to the prop box. OK, let's do this!

-Nina. You a fan of my acting, Nina?

-Um...

LAUGHTER

-You've just lost yourself a gold star, young lady!

-No!

-Yes!

So, this is the BBC, so I just need to get my prop.

-Look like my mum's new shirt.

-It looks like your mum's new shirt?

-Yeah.

-What do you mean it looks like your mum's shirt?!

Well, it's, like, wavy.

So you're telling me your mum looks like this?

"Luke! Dinner's ready, Luke!"

-Iain.

-What?

-I think I'm in love.

-LAUGHTER

What a couple.

ALL: Awwww.

And you get a gold star for that, mate.

Right. I'm not Luke's mum. I'm going to act now.

Here we go. I need to get into character.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I am an Anglo-Saxon woman

who was born 900 years ago.

In my day, there was no CBBC,

no CITV, no PJ and Duncan.

It was hashtag totes boring.

-Who am I?

-Adele!

-What?!

-Someone who needs a shave!

-Someone that was born 900 years ago!

Naomi, you seem like the voice of reason. Who am I?

Lady Gaga?

-LAUGHTER

-That does look like Lady Gaga!

P-p-p-p-poker face.

-Give us another clue!

-Give us another clue, yeah.

-All right, here we go.

-Father Christmas!

Tell you what, you'd be in for a rude awakening

if this came down your chimney!

It's time for clue number two.

My name comes from the Latin "Gift of God".

My husband and I founded a monastery. That was my gift to God.

-Who am I?

-The Easter Bunny?

-I'm a lady!

Will you stop laughing?!

"A-ha-ha-ha-ha."

-Who am I?

-Can we have another clue?

I'll give you one more clue. Here we go.

This is just getting weird now.

-It wasn't before that.

-Yeah, getting weird NOW?!

Right, here we go.

My husband, the Earl of Mercia,

agreed that we would lower taxes for the people of Coventry -

lovely part of the world -

if I rode naked through the streets on a horse.

Who says politics is boring? Not me! I'm naked on a horse!

I'm naked on a horse! I'm naked on a horse...

-Who am I?

-Is it Lady Godiva?

I'm Lady Godiva!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's right, I'm Lady Godiva.

Most famous for being all naked

riding a horse on the streets of Coventry around 1057.

There you go. So over to Luke's team.

-Luke, hi. You all right, mate?

-I'm good, thanks.

-OK, here we go.

I am a Dutch man with a colourful personality.

I took a lot of selfies - only in my day,

we had to use a paintbrush instead of a camera.

Who am I? I just drew a beautiful picture of this handsome man.

Why are you American?!

I'm from the Netherlands! I'm a Dutch guy.

Who am I?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-What are you talking about?!

Right, it's time for my second clue. OK. Got to get my prop on.

-Oh, no.

-Here we goes!

During my life, my work was not truly appreciated like it is today.

In fact, I only sold one painting whilst I was alive.

If only I'd done a buy one get one free,

then I would have sold twice as many paintings.

Although I had to draw...

Dr-raw?

Draaaw.

-I drawed...

-Drawed.

-..900 paintings to sell just the one!

-Who am I?

-Now, I know, look.

You're that geezer down the market

who draws them weird pictures of people.

Have you ever seen me down the market?!

-Yes!

-We'd remember you.

-Trying to flog your snoods.

The term is "flog my schnoods".

-Last one. Last clue.

-We can get this, we can get this.

-Oh, dear.

You're not in this sketch!

-Ah.

-Dropped your painting, mate.

-Why are you laughing at that?!

Are you still acting or is this a mistake?

-No, yeah, this is a mistake.

-Your tache has fallen off.

Aw, nyah.

Along with your ear? Yesh!

One of my most famous paintings was of a vase...

-A what?

-A vase?

-A vaaase.

-A vase...

-A vaa-aase.

..full of sunflowers. Strangely enough, I'd initially painted

a vase full of sunflower seeds... Sunflower seeds.

Sunflower seeds! And I left it to grow. Classic banter.

-Who am I?

-Shall we? Shall we?

-Yeah.

-Who am I?

Are you Vincent van Gogh?

I'm Vincent van Gogh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, bring it in!

Yes, I was Vincent van Gogh, a Dutch painter whose striking use

of colour and brushwork still influences modern art today.

OK, well done. Because of my fantastic acting,

both teams got the correct answer, so both teams get a gold star!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time to whip out your verruca socks and show us your athlete's feet.

It's Sprint Finish.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oi! OI!

It's not about you!

I'm the talented one on this show.

-Erm, I think I can do some stuff too.

-What can you do?

I can solve the Rubik's Cube while tap-dancing

-and saying the alphabet backwards!

-Can you actually?

-Want to see?

-Yeah! Naomi Wilkinson, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, Naomi. Naomi, just as well

-you had your tap shoes on, isn't it?

-Isn't it?

-Isn't that a stroke of luck? You ready?

-Yeah, go for it.

Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S

R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H

G-F-E-D-C-B-A.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, wow!

Shoosh! I'm talented too.

BELL TOLLS

I can, em... I do comedy.

BELL CONTINUES TO TOLL

I came second in a comedy competition this one time.

Eh, just get back to your desk, please.

Naomi Wilkinson, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so, what's going to happen here is

one of you guys will act out sporty things

for the others on your team to guess. You'll get a red card for speaking.

But sound effects are OK. Nina.

-Who you picking to take part in sprint finish?

-Naomi.

-She's more athletic.

-Yes, because she can tap-dance.

Naomi, please make your way to The Sport Spot.

VOICEOVER: THE SPORT SPOT!

Three, two, one, GO!

-Keepy-uppy.

-Yes! Go.

Bubbles. No.

-Hockey?

-Yeah...

-Curling.

-What's coming out of her face?

-Ice hockey?

-Ice?!

-It's cold, it's the...

-Sheer embarrassment!

-Air hockey!

-Yeah!

-Cooking.

-What's she cooking, though?

-Boiled egg.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, egg and spoon race!

-Yes!

I don't even know what that is!

SHE BURPS

-Ugh!

-Being sick? Being sick!

-What is one of those?

-Pass! Move on! It's burpee, burpee.

-What's a burpee?

-What is a burpee?

-I don't know.

-Scuba diving!

-Yeah, scuba diving.

-Fencing!

-Yes.

BELL RINGS Oh, time's up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very well done, Naomi.

-What's a burpee?

-I'll show you a burpee.

Yeah, do a burpee. Should we have a burpee-off? Me and you burpee-ing.

-Ready?

-Ready.

-So you go...

-That's a burpee.

-Right, let's see if I can do it.

-First to five.

-First to five?!

-Yeah.

Hold on, let me tuck my shirt in.

-Come on, Sam!

-Go Sam!

-Three, two, one, go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five. I win!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-MARK:

-Iain, Iain. Iain, it's not if you win or lose,

it's how you play the game. And you played it marvellously.

Well done, guys, well done.

Now, Luke, who out of your team do you think is the best?

Mark is the more capable.

-Are you sure?!

-All right, Mark, head on down to The Sports Spot.

VOICEOVER: THE SPORTS SPOT!

All right, Mark, you have got until the bell rings. Three, two, one, GO!

-Butterfly!

-Yes.

Argh!

-Scared?

-ARRGH!

Fighting off zombies!

-What is it?

-Golf?

-What type of golf?

-Brain golf!

-What?!

-No. Brain golf?!

-Crazy golf!

-Yes.

-What is he doing?

-Ballroom dancing.

-No.

-Erm...

-Weird dancing?

-What is it?

-Rhythmic dancing.

-Rhythmic! Not dancing, not dancing.

-Rhythmic dance?

-No, not dancing!

-Rhythmic movement?

-No.

-Rhythmic gymnastics!

-Yes, rhythmic gymnastics! Next one!

Woooaaah!

-Falling over!

-No, it's kind of like falling over...

-Walrus!

-Walrus?!

That's not even a sport!

-Taking a bow.

-Not bowing!

-What is it?

-Bungee jumping!

-Bungee jumping!

-Bungee jump!

-Yes!

-Javelin!

-Yes.

-Yes!

Skateboarding. Skiing?

-Snowboarding!

-Yes, snowboarding!

BELL RINGS Times up!

Take a seat, Mark.

Right, well, I can tell you that at the end of that round

our winners were...Luke's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We love recycling things on this show,

especially the jokes. It's time for Bin Busters!

VOICEOVER: BIN BUSTERS!

One panellist from each team

will race to put as much rubbish as they can into the recycling bins.

And to help you out we've got a special

vacuum cleaner backpack with amazing suction.

It's a backuum cleaner, if you will.

So, Luke, who from your team do you want to take on the challenge?

Bearing in mind that one of your team-mates

is smaller than the backuum cleaner.

-Are you referring to Mark?

-Yes.

I think Dodge has had a lot of bins in his lifetime, so...

-Hey, you know me! Ha-ha-ha.

-I think it's time to give Mark a go.

-Yeah, fair play.

-All right.

And, Nina, who from your team do you want to take on the challenge?

Errrm...Sam.

Oh, so it's a Sam versus Mark situation.

-ALL: Ooooh.

-Clash of the titans!

Oh, that is it. I'm coming for you.

I'm coming for you. Faster.

Just getting hydrated.

-Yeah, me too.

-Hey, guys, can I join in?

-Iain, no.

-No.

All right, well come up here and collect your backuum cleaners.

Give them a round of applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam, I don't know if you know this,

-but you'll be collecting plastic bottles...

-Excellent.

-..and putting them in that recycling bin over there.

-My favourite.

-Marcus.

-All right, mate?

-You all right, buddy?

-I am, I'm excited.

You'll be collecting cans and putting them

in that recycling bin over there.

You've got until the bell goes. The most things recycled wins.

Three, two, one, GO!

Go, go, go!

Sam's off to an early lead!

Mark, use your power of distraction, distract him!

Quickly, go quicker! Sam is absolutely smashing it. Come on!

Come on.

Come on, Mark!

Come on!

Sam's off to a flyer!

-NAOMI:

-Oi, cheat! Get off!

Mark's using dirty tactics.

Come on, Mark.

Come on! Mark, you're going to have to up the pace.

You're going to have to up the pace. Not long left.

-DODGE:

-Let's do this! Let's get this show on the road.

Mark, catch him! Mark...

BELL RINGS Oh, time's up! Stop! Stop!

-Mark, how did you find it went?

-Not well.

I think we can all agree with that.

You got one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven...

Don't try and make it up now! Eight, nine, ten.

-You got ten.

-11.

-Ten.

-Nice round number.

-Don't you patronise me, Sam Nixon!

-How are you doing?

-Really tired.

-You look like a very tired ghostbuster.

-Yeah, I am.

OK, let's see how many you got.

One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten,

eleven... fourteen!

You obviously did the best there, so the gold star goes to Nina's team!

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's pretty tense, because it's time now for the final scores.

Time to find out who climbed to the top of the tree

like an ambitious monkey,

and who's lying at the bottom like a lazy snake.

The losers will go straight to detention

with our most laid-back member of staff - Mr Smash!

He's maybe not that laid-back.

OK, it's time to find out which team are swotty, and which team are...

AUDIENCE: NAUGHTY!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh...

..ooooh....

The winners are...

Nina's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Nina, Sam and Naomi. Commiserations to Luke's team.

That means you guys have got to go to detention with good old Smashy.

Away and take the walk of shame!

THEY CHANT: Losers! Losers! Losers!

Well done to the winners, Nina, Sam and Naomi!

You guys get to hand in your homework and get it marked by me.

So, Nina, hand in your homework!

# La-la-la-la-la You are the winners

# La-la-la-la-la You are the winners. #

OK, well done, guys.

Let's have Luke, Mark and Dodge T Dog back for detention with Mr Smash!

HE GROWLS

THEY CHANT: Losers! Losers! Losers!

Not a good look at all in those Smashy robot outfits.

Anyway, it's time now for the dog to come and eat your homework!

Well, we didn't learn much, but it sure was fun trying.

We'll see you all next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

DOG BURPS