Episode 4 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello!

Hello. Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school.

I'm Iain Stirling. Thanks all for coming, guys.

Although school is good, the best bit about school

has got to be the breaks.

Big fan of a break. I like lunches.

But school lunches have got one issue and that is the dinner ladies.

Whatever school you go to, there's always one miserable dinner lady.

Every time you ask her a question she looks at you like you've

given her terrible news.

I go, "Can I have a burger, please?"

She's looking at me like that.

I might as well have gone up to her and said, "Hi, can I

"sniff your feet?" It's really weird!

Then they always serve the food using a ladle,

no matter what you asked for.

I'll go, "Can I have the chicken, please?"

She gets a ladle out!

How you serving chicken with a ladle?

You never get chicken that runny in real life!

Let's have the school bell to start the show...

ICE CREAM BELL TINKLES

I'm going to have to get that fixed.

Right, let's meet the teams!

CHEERING

On my left, we have a girl who worked hard to get

to the top of her school. It took two fire trucks

to get her off the roof! It's Sarah, everyone.

And on Sarah's team, we have the winner of The Voice.

He worked with will.i.am, now he's working with E-I-N.

It's Jermain Jackman!

And joining them is a Canadian comedienne who was

a bit of a class clown, which is just as well, because she went

to circus school - it's Katherine Ryan.

-Here!

-Please give it up for Sarah's team, everybody!

And over on my right we've got a boy who finds school very easy...

It's just at the bottom of his street! It's Michael.

I'm here.

And on Michael's team - his teacher kept telling him to keep

the noise down, but now he's on the radio,

he's got to turn the noise up -

it's BBC Asian Network's Nihal Arthanayake!

And joining them - this guy's drama teacher told him

that acting opportunities come once a blue moon -

just as well he's a werewolf -

it's only Bobby Lockwood!

Where's Bobby?

Where's Bobby Lockwood?

-Haven't seen him.

-Going to have to mark him late...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in?

Sorry I'm late. I was just mobbed by fans

outside the school gate. You know what it's like!

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Sit down.

Make some noise for today's teams, everybody!

CHEERING

Right, teams - listen up. Here's how we do things.

I'll be giving out gold stars for every game you win.

ALL: Ooooooooh!

"Oooh" indeed. And if something you do really tickles me,

I might even award a bonus gold star.

QUIET "OOOH."

You're not as keen on the bonus gold stars. That's fine.

Now, remember, as far as the points go, it's Iain's School, so it's...

ALL: Iain's rules!

You've got that right!

At the end of the show, the team who bring the most bling get to

hand in their homework.

The losers will have their homework munched for lunch by my canine

companion - and on top of that,

they'll end up in detention with our ever-furious PE teacher, Mr Smash!

But luckily, I think they're playing nicely today.

Ah-ha! Hey!

Ha-ha!

Oh, nooooo!

Right - enough of that, let's get down to business...

It's time for the round that spells disaster - Body Language!

I have questions. Each answer is three letters long. All you

guys have to do is spell it out using your bodies!

I tried this one earlier on and I did a P on stage...

The letter, guys!

All right. So, first up is Sarah's team, so bring on the letterbox!

Letterbox! Letterbox!

Letterbox! Letterbox!

Oh, wow.

Are you feeling pretty confident, Sarah?

Yes! I always have the confidence.

What, is that the confidence?

The confidence.

You are the most confident person I think I've ever met.

And I know me!

Guys, you know the drill. I'm going to ask you some questions,

you've got to spell out the answers "udding your bodises".

-Do you understand?

-Yes.

-Yup!

-3, 2, 1, here we go!

It's like an ostrich, but only shorter.

Shout it out if you know it.

Emu. Do an E, Jermain!

The other way, mate!

-What are you doing?!

-You're letting the team down!

Do the middle bit, like that!

I tell you what, he's lucky he's a singer.

What someone jumps out and shouts at you after they've been hiding

in your cupboard all afternoon waiting for you to come home.

-ALL: Boo!

-Well done.

You're O!

Katherine and Sarah look like they're doing poos...

What's that?!

It's a B!

It's a B!

You look like you're having something thrown at you.

OK.

-Bald people use this to pretend they're not bald.

-Wig.

Yeah? G? G's a hard one.

Katherine's gone for the crane.

Yeah, I'll give you that, I'll give you that. The cat sat on the...?

ALL: Mat!

Did someone just say wall?! That's four letters!

Well done, Katherine. Vogueing, I like it!

-BELL RINGS

-Yes. Time's up!

APPLAUSE

Well done, guys. Sarah's team, make your way back to the desk.

Well done Sarah's team, everybody!

Michael's team, come and join me at the letterbox.

-Bobby, how are you feeling? What are you wearing?

-My shorts.

It gets warm in here under the lights. Look, I can lunge.

I'm ready for anything you throw at them. I'm prepared.

That's what my dad would wear on holiday. OK, everybody ready?

I've got words, you've got to spell them out.

We're going to start with the cheapest way to get to

Australia if you own a spade.

-What?

-The G has been an absolute killer today.

Oh, I like it!

Nihal's getting a gold star for a unique use of the G.

Well done, Nihal.

Yes!

A religious person dressed like a penguin.

Oh, yesssss!

CHEERING

Leave your legs up, leave your legs up!

So good...

It's just like A.

Nihal, I'll give you that. You might have this at the end of your garden.

It's a sort of shed.

ALL: Hut!

-A hut?

-A hut.

CHEERING

I'll give you that one.

The main ingredient in porridge.

ALL: Oats!

Ha! In a Scottish accent, "OATS!"

Did someone mention porridge? I'm awake.

OATS, it's OATS!

-What are you doing?

-It's an O!

How am I supposed...? I've got a body in the way. I can't...

Do that again. What is that?

I'll give you that, I'll give you that.

-BELL RINGS

-Time's up!

CHEERING

Get back to your seats. Give it up for Michael's team one more time.

Well done to both teams. It was close.

In fact, it was so close, you both scored the same points.

So you both get a gold star. Well done!

CHEERING

It's time for everyone's favourite part of the show.

It's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

Aww, guys, thanks for the support.

I've stood in the wings of some of the country's finest theatres,

watching and learning my craft from the greats.

In fact, people often say to me, "Iain, what are you doing here?

"You're not meant to be here. Get lost."

Just like today.

Sarah's team, you get a bonus gold star.

CHEERING

I tell you what I'm going to do - I am going to get lost,

but I'm going to get lost...in character.

Michael's team - you lucky people, you're up first, OK.

You ready for this?

I'm going to get into the zone...

Pharrell?

Pharrell? Not bad.

# I'm so happy!

# Do-do-loo-boo-boo... #

Don't make me sing this song any more!

It's been on all summer, I hate this song!

That's my Pharrell impression.

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm going to get into character, very powerful.

I'm going to become a new person -

you might not recognise me, but here I go...

HE CLEARS THROAT

-HIGH VOICE:

-I am an English woman.

LAUGHTER

During my life, I wrote 70 detective novels, as I love the mystery genre.

Or do I?

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I do.

-HIGH VOICE:

-But do I?

-NORMAL:

-No, I'm serious.

-HIGH:

-Do I?

My two most well-known characters are both detectives.

One of whom - I've remembered my voice -

one of whom is a Belgian man with a snazzy moustache.

The other is an old lady,

just like your grandmother with a regular moustache.

All grandmothers have moustaches.

Who am I? Who am I?

Who am I?

I think you should grow a moustache, like a proper, thick one like that.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?!

Oh, is this a bit of fun(?)

-I thought it was a bit of food.

-Oh!

Right, final clue.

Got my prop.

LAUGHTER

I've got a mouse.

Pretty much everything I'd write was a success.

My play, The Mousetrap, holds the record for the longest-running

unbroken run in a London theatre.

Who am I?

Rastamouse?

No!

-Hastamouse?

-No!

Moustache Mouse.

No! Forget the mouse!

CHEERING

Stop! Stop laughing at it!

-If you were wearing shorts...

-SHUT UP!

Put your legs away!

One final question - Michael, who am I?

Are you Agatha Christie?

-CHEERING

-I'm Agatha Christie!

The crime novelist and playwright whose books have been making people

guess whodunnit since the 1920s.

Well done, Michael's team!

CHEERING

OK, so, Sarah's team. You now know what's in store.

So...get my stuff together. Got to do accent number two,

so get ready for this.

-HARSH VOICE:

-I am an Englishman.

I can often look quite grumpy, despite my long

and successful career.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I've also now come from America, for no good reason.

-LAUGHTER

-Who am I!

-Are you a guy this time?

-I'm an Englishman.

An Englishman disgruntled with his career and he has a lisp...

-Jonathan Ross.

-Oh...

CROWD GROANS

Look at the... The crowd have turned.

I can say that. I love Jonathan Ross.

I'm going to give you a clue at number two, here we go...

That's nice.

OK. I was an MP for over 60 years, although it took me 59 years

to realise that MP didn't stand for mince pie.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to buy a mince pie this

time of the year?

Who am I?

-LAUGHTER

-A clown.

-A what?

-A clown.

-A clow...

-A clown.

A clo-I...?

A clown.

-MIMICS HER ACCENT:

-A clo-in...

A clown!

A cloin?

LAUGHTER

MP, not a cloin.

-Don't know!

-Mince pie, mmm.

SHE LAUGHS

-Need another clue?

-Yes.

-Last one.

I helped Britain win the Second World War.

Most people like to go sunbathing on the beaches,

I like to make sandcastles.

But you can't say that in public,

so in my speech in 1940 I said you had to fight them on the beaches.

Who am I? Who am I?

-Looks a bit like Harry Hill.

-Harry Hill?!

LAUGHTER

I've got hair.

Yeah...oh, Harry Hill doesn't have hair, does he?

Anyone? MP 60 years. Fight them on the beaches. Come on, guys...

Winston Churchill!

-CHEERING

-I'm Winston Churchill!

The former Prime Minister who led the country

to victory in World War II, yeah!

So, at the end of that round, you've both got a gold star!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time now for the next round.

ANNOUNCER: It's time for Smashy - Oke!

APPLAUSE

Here he comes, this is Smashy - Oke, so this is a gold star to the

first person who guesses what Mr Smash is singing.

CHEERING

Yeah, Jermain...this is in your...

-This is my...

-Give him a little note and he'll give you one back. Give him a little, quick note.

# Oh! #

Give him it back.

-LOW GRUNT:

-Ugh!!

-LAUGHTER

-How was that?

One more... Another note.

# Oh! #

UGH!

Getting a bit of cabbage for dinner so just don't breathe that in.

OK. Mr Smash, you ready to go?

-Yes.

-Take it away.

What's he singing?

# Ugh, ugh, ugh...

# Ugh, ugh...

# Aagh

# Oh, oh, ahhgh...

# Agh, agh...

# Aaaagh! #

OK, we'll go to Michael's team first...

Is it Roar by Katy Perry?

We're now going to have to ask Sarah's team what they think it is.

Roar by Katy Perry.

Let's find out if it's Roar by Katy Perry, Mr Smash...

MUSIC: Roar by Katy Perry

# Ragh!!

# Oh, agh, agh, agh

# Ragh!

CHEERING

Mr Smash, everybody!

Well, you both got that right, so you both get a gold star!

CHEERING

Next up, it's time for Say Whaaaaaaat?

ANNOUNCER: SAY WHAAAAAAAT?

Nice(!)

OK, words from around the world, or maybe even from out of this world,

will pop up on the screens.

But what do they mean? Best answers get a shiny, gold star.

OK, here is your first word - but what does it mean?

Buzz in if you know what it means.

What do you think it means?

BELL

Yes, Sarah...

Is it a fancy word for a toilet plunger?

No!

-But it should be.

-It should!

Margaret, pass me the bumbershoot, for I've got a massive poo!

LAUGHTER

HOOTER

-Nihal?

-If you sit down for a long time in the park...

and then you get up and you go home...

it's a plant that grows out of your backside

cos you've been sitting in a park for too long...

Actually, I'm going to give you a gold star for that. I like that.

It's not the right answer, but I like the idea of that.

Bumbershoot is an old English colloquial term meaning umbrella.

What's that, Jermain? How do you pronounce it?

Thanks for asking.

-HIGHER-PITCHED VOICE:

-Bumbershoot!

OK, next word. What does this word mean? What does this word mean?

This word. Buzz in, buzz in.

Is it a dance?

Chacalacalaca!

# Chachalaca

# Chachalaca

# Chachalaca. #

TOOT

It's not what I've got written here. Yes, Michael.

-It's a dance for making tea. Cupacha.

-I do like that.

I'm going to give you a gold star for that.

APPLAUSE

It does sound like something you could order in a coffee shop.

"I'll have a skinny, triple-shot chachalacalaca."

-Anyone else?

-DING

-Yes, young lady.

-Is it a Mexican bug?

Oh! Oh!

-Is it a bug or is it Mexican?

-Is it a spider?

Oh... Ah...

Ah, come on!

Oh, a Spanish...

-Animal?

-No.

-Dog?

-No.

Sarah, get back in it.

-Spanish dessert, like a trifle.

-No!

-Talkative person, a Spanish...

-Oh, me!

-Yes, yes!

-It's Sarah?

-Chatterbox.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's a South American Spanish word for a chatty person.

-I'm one of those.

-Yes, so Sarah is a...

-DEEP VOICE:

-Chachalaca!

-Yes, I am.

-There you go. Next one. What does this word mean?

TOOT

-Yes, Bobby?

-(Passing wind while...)

-Bobby?

It's a type of fart, like, it's a special type of fart.

So when you run-d-fart...

You run and then the fart projects you faster.

-It's like nitrous.

-Yeah, it is. Exactly, it's like nitrous.

And you go, "Oh, this is getting a bit..." And then you just, pffft.

Run-d-fart! Run-d-fart! Run-d-fart!

I like it, I like it.

I'm going to give you a gold star for that explanation.

APPLAUSE

-It's not what I've got.

-What?

-It's not what I've got here.

-DING

-Yes, Sarah?

Is it when somebody farts and you don't want to go near the gas

-so you just walk about?

-You go round-d-fart.

-Yeah.

Don't go through the fart, go round the fart.

TOOT

Oh, Gosh. Get round the fart.

-It's German for roundabout.

-Oh!

Oh, my days, it is a German word.

Bus.

-If you were on a bus, what would you be on?

-A seat.

-Wheels.

A journey, it's the route.

I'm going to give you it.

It is a German word that means to go on tour.

I'm going to give you the gold star.

APPLAUSE

Wait, wait, guys...

Guys, what was that? How do you pronounce it?

Funny you asked, because it's pronounced like this...

Rrrundfahrt!

OK, time for the next one. The next one...

MAN'S VOICE: School disco!

School disco!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

DISCO MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY

OK, your next word. What does this word mean?

This is actually a fictional word,

in the sense that it's from the High Elvish language...

-TOOT

-Oh, Michael?

It's baby horses singing covers of other people's songs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're getting a gold star for that, that is incredible.

It's a High Elvish word from JRR Tolkien's Middle Earth novels

that means a dragon guarding treasure.

-Oh...

-Bobby...

You seem confused. You probably want to know how it's pronounced.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, please.

It's pronounced a little something...

like this...

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Fo-a-lo-kay.

LORD OF THE RINGS MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Well done, you both get the gold star. Well done.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Our next game is going to be world famous, it's Globe Hoppers.

We're not leaving you to sit at your desks and point at maps,

that would be too easy.

No, we're going to make you bounce around and point at maps.

OK, Bobby, Jermain, you are playing this game,

so let's bring on the world.

APPLAUSE

Whoo, go, Jermain!

OK, guys, I hope you've packed your passport.

Luckily, Bobby's only got his trunks on.

So there's no going back now, three, two, one, hop it and get going.

OK, first question...

If mummies were to come alive, what country should I avoid?

There's mummies, where would I avoid?

Oh, bring it back, first one to bring it back. Bring it back.

Egypt, correct!

APPLAUSE

All right, three, two, one, hop around.

Not only can you find loads of normal walls in this country,

it's got a Great one.

SHOUTING

China!

Keep on hopping, keep on hopping!

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in this country.

SHOUTING

Italy!

-Bobby!

-Get hopping, get hopping, spin that round.

OK, my national symbol is a maple leaf.

Canada!

Argh!

Canada!

Cape Town can be found in what country?

He's got another one!

Jermain got one, South Africa!

Where can you find the emperor penguin?

-Antarctica!

-Down at the bottom.

-Bash it, bash it.

Antarctica.

BELL RINGS Time's up.

APPLAUSE

Guys, come over here. Come over here.

You are sweating.

I'm hot! It's a good job I'm in my shorts, otherwise I'd be pouring.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the winner of that game was Bobby,

which means Michael's team gets the gold star.

APPLAUSE

It's time to count the stars

and see who's getting some quality time with Mr Smash.

APPLAUSE

You are beautiful.

So it's time to find out which teams are swotty and which teams are...

AUDIENCE: NAUGHTY!

Oooh...

The winners are...

Michael's team!

CHEERING

Well done, Michael, you are this week's smarty pants

while Sarah's team... Sadly, you were just pants.

Jermain, Sarah and Katherine,

hand your homework over to The Dog Ate My Homework Dog.

APPLAUSE

BARKING AND GOBBLING

And it's time for the losers to take their walk of shame.

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# Losers. #

Well done to the winners, Nihal, Michael and Bobby.

You can hand in your homework, come over.

# La-la-la-la-la-la

# You are the winners

# La-la-la-la-la-la

# You are the winners. #

OK, let's have the losers back on for detention with Mr Smash.

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers... #

Not a good look.

# La-la-la-la-la-la Losers!

# Losers. #

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

There you go, detention is a little bit of line dancing.

Swing your hats, guys.

OK, well, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on..

The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!

THE DOG BURPS