Episode 6 The Dog Ate My Homework

THEY SPEAK GOBBLEDYGOOK

PTERODACTYL CRAWS

WHISTLING

MONSTERS GROAN

LAUGHTER

Oh! I'm not ready! I'm not ready! Oh!

Hello!

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling. Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school.

Now, you can't have school without school uniform

and there's one rule when it comes to school uniform,

and that is this -

anything that looks remotely cool is illegal, right?

You can't have... I mean, school uniform is the worst-looking thing

in the entire world, and it's so expensive.

A blazer, a school blazer is the most expensive thing

I think I've ever seen,

so your mum always has to buy it for you five sizes too big.

I'm just standing there going, "Mum, are you sure this is right?

She's like, "Yeah, you need to grow into it. It needs to last."

Last till when?! Till I'm 54? The thing's massive!

Then you get those big, leather, black, clumpy school shoes.

How uncomfortable are they? You can't walk properly in them.

So, you've got your big jacket on and your clumpy shoes

walking to school like you're carrying a bag of sand.

Hello!

Now, sometimes at school when you go to big school, maybe,

you've got to wear a school tie.

I can't tie a tie, which is fine, but it means my dad has to tie it,

and my dad always ties my tie far too tight.

He'll do it up and be like, "You all right, son?"

-I'm like...

-CROAKING:

-"Yeah, I'm fine."

So, my first day back at school,

I'm wearing a blazer that's too big for me,

shoes that are too uncomfortable, my tie's too tight,

I'm walking to school going...

HE CROAKS

Right, let's start the show, let's kick things off.

Can I hear the school bell?

BELL RINGS Oo-oo-ah-ah! Oo-ah-ah!

I said ding-dong, not King Kong.

Right, I do need to get that fixed.

Right, guys. Let's meet the teams. Come on!

On my left is a girl who is best friends with the school hamster.

They got together on a school trip to Hamsterdam.

It's Leah, everyone.

APPLAUSE I do love hamsters.

And on Leah's team,

we have someone who was her school's hide-and-seek champion.

18 years later, they're still looking for her.

It is Dominique Moore.

-Here.

-APPLAUSE

And if you're trying to remember where you saw the last guy from,

think of the handsome one from The Big Friday Wind Up.

He stood next to him. It's Mark from Sam And Mark!

-Here.

-Give it up for Leah's team, everybody!

APPLAUSE

And on my right-hand side, a boy who just loves homework,

so if any teachers are watching, please give him lots more work.

It's Eddie!

Here. APPLAUSE

And on Eddie's team is someone who was top dog at training school,

and he spends a lot of time chasing his tail.

Give it up for Dodge T Dog!

HE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE

And over there, he was an exchange student in France.

They got Sam, we got this lump of cheese,

and I think we've done pretty well out of it.

It's Sam from Sam And Mark, everybody!

-Here.

-Please give it up for Eddie's team!

APPLAUSE

Right, teams, we need to talk about stars. Gold stars.

It is my job to throw them around, except at losers.

I don't give gold stars to any Tom, Dick, Harry, Sam or Mark.

You get the bonus star if I like what you're doing.

And if I don't, I'm going to take them away.

Get away.

So, remember - it's Iain's school, so it's...

Iain's rules!

At the end of the show,

the team with the biggest stash of starry bling

gets to hand in their homework.

But losers beware - your homework will be eaten

by The Dog Ate My Homework Dog while you get detention

with a man so big we use him as a bouncy castle.

It is our PE teacher, Mr Smash and The Dog.

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

Awhoo!

That's amazing. I didn't even see his lips move once.

Let's rock up for an epic show, everyone! Come on!

CHEERING

It's time for Shed Loads,

the round with more answers than the school canteen has sick bags.

I'll ask you guys a question that has a shed load of answers.

You keep the answers coming till I get bored. I'll just move on.

We're going to start with you guys.

So, Shed Loads, back and forth, correct answers.

Your first topic is about PE.

Name things you have to wear if you forget your PE kit.

Eddie's team.

-Really short shorts.

-Why?

Because the teachers always say we have this spare PE kit kit

so if we forget our PE kit, as punishment

we have to wear shorts that are, like, that long or something.

-You have to share shorts with other people?

-Yeah.

Like, three people in one pair of shorts?

-IMITATES THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI:

-'We are the people that have

'forgotten our shorts.

'Me and Timothy, there's not much room for both of us.'

Right, things you have to...if you forget your PE kit.

Oh, Y-fronts.

-Y-fronts?!

-Yeah.

You know them baggy Y-fronts that you find in lost property

and you go, "Yeah, they're the least awful.

OK. Things you'd wear if you forget your PE kit. Dodge?

Naked!

-You could wear naked, correct.

-I am naked!

You are... Oh, you are naked.

-Cover yourself up.

-Sorry.

-Anything else?

-A sleeveless shirt.

Which I know that Sam owns.

-No way!

-Sam owns a sleeveless shirt.

When I'm working out, yeah.

I get the guns out.

Next topic is history.

Eddie's team, we've William the Conqueror,

Ethelred the Unready and Iain the Intolerable.

What would your royal title be and why?

Dodge the Dog Poo.

LAUGHTER

It's more of a warning.

Dodge the Dog Poo.

You can come into my castle, but watch your feet.

Any more? Dominique?

-What would your royal title be?

-I've got one for Leah.

-Oh, yeah?

Lady Leah.

But, like, spelt differently. So, L-A-D-E-E-E.

There isn't a spelling round, is there?

-So, it would be Ladeee Leah.

-Ladeee Leah, yeah.

-Yep.

-You've done that a load. What is that?

-It's the click.

-What does it mean?

That's the way I do it.

That's the way she does it!

That's the way I do it!

-Does that get us a bonus star?

-I think so.

I think...go on, then.

Only if the three of you can do it as one.

That's the way I do it!

-Gold star, well done.

-CHEERING

Right, guys. We're going to move on now.

It is Talent Time.

It's time to find it of any of our panellists can do anything

other than sit behind a desk and natter.

Oh, Iain, Iain! Eddie is a very talented singer.

-Are you?

-Yes.

Right, let's have a little listen. Let's have Eddie, everybody!

-Yay!

-APPLAUSE

Go on, Eddie.

# It might seem crazy what I'm about to say

# Sunshine she's here You can take a break

# Hot-air balloon That could go to space

# Doo doodle-oo doo doo doo doo-doo

# With the air, like I don't care Baby, by the way

-# Doo doo doo. #

-Everybody now!

-OTHERS:

-# Because I'm happy

# Clap along if you feel Like a room without a roof

# Because I'm happy

# Clap along if you feel Like happiness is the truth

# Because I'm happy

# Clap along if you know What happiness is to you, uh

# Because I'm happy

# Clap along if you know that That's what you wanna do. #

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Come on, Eddie, yeah!

Nice singing.

-DOMINIQUE:

-I've got something to say!

He's actually very good.

He was, but our team leader is an actual rapper.

-You are?

-She writes all her own lyrics.

-Do you want to do a rap?

-Yeah.

-Written by her.

Oh, look, you've got some sleeveless shirt on.

LAUGHTER

Take it away, Leah.

SHE BEATBOXES

# Yeah, I'm in the BBC Got all my friends with me

# There's Iain Stirling, Big Dog Some celebrities

# There's a dinner lady And her food's disgusting

# So when she's not looking I throw it in the dustbin

# Mr Smash is scary And I have to mention

# If I don't behave I'll be with him in detention

# Playing silly games And we're crazy but we're cool

# But just remember, mm-hmm

# This is Iain's school So its Iain's rules, oh, yeah. #

-APPLAUSE

-That was amazing.

The phrase dustbin does not get used enough in raps.

-LAUGHTER

-Right, we'll move on, it's fine.

Next up, name ingredients for the world's worst cake.

I've got one! Fingernails.

Fingernails, bad. Any more?

-Dodge.

-Oi, you!

-LAUGHTER

-I'm free-range.

-All the hair, mate. All the hair, isn't it?

-Any more?

-A certain kind of egg.

-A dog egg?

-Yeah.

-Aw!

Yeah, is this the dog, the poo thing?

-Yeah, it is.

-Dodge it.

-Hmmm!

-Aw...

-DODGE BREAKS WIND

-That's disgusting.

-Right, any more?

-Bandage.

-Yeah, like if you cut your finger and...

I once found of those blue plasters.

It makes you think, "Oh, I wonder what was underneath the plaster

"and what had actually happened."

Had they put their finger off, was it just a graze, was it a scab?"

Have you cut your finger off?

I don't think you just pop a plaster on it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-BELL RINGS

-Oh!

Time is up, and at the end of this round,

the gold star goes to Eddie's team!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Good work, team, good work.

Guys!

You're all in for a treat

because the next round is the round you've all been waiting for.

It's time for everyone's favourite part of the show.

-Who Do You Think I Am?

-TEAMS GROAN

Oh, feel the excitement in the room.

Yes, prepare to go back in time and meet characters from history.

Like Albert Einstein or his brother, Frank.

Frank Einstein.

Franken...stein.

Right, anyway. Enough of this.

Let's get on with this game, come on!

APPLAUSE

Right, Leah's team, you're up first.

Clue number one. Here we go.

Are you ready?

I am an Englishman from York!

I became friends of some ducks

and plotted to get rid of the King Ja...

-Hm...

-Are you...?

-Wait.

All right, yeah, no, no.

I'm an Englishman that became friends with some people

and plotted to get rid of King James

-in The Duck and Drake pub.

-Right...

I heard it wrong.

Who am I?!

I'm from York.

You look like you're doing the animal Olympics relay.

LAUGHTER

-Not the duck, n-o-o!

-No-o-o!

I know who it is.

Are the old lady who lived in the shoe?

-LAUGHTER

-The old lady in the shoe?!

-I've got a duck on a stick!

-Yeah, but I didn't know if they...

Where do they go, "There once was lady who lived in a shoe.

"She had a duck on a stick!"

-I'm going to give you a second clue.

-OK.

-So...

I'm going to get my second prop on.

-Are you Edward Scissorhands?

-That's what I was going to say.

-I'm Frankie Forkfinger!

-LAUGHTER

Oo, mama. OK.

-HE LAUGHS

-What was that?

LAUGHTER

If Wolverine had plastic forks instead of metal spikes,

his superhero name would be the same as mine.

Mr Forks.

I think it's something to do with a restaurant, working in a restaurant.

-Working in a restaurant?!

-A famous person who works in a restaurant.

Otherwise, why would you have all the forks?

Why have I got forks on my fingers?

-You never know when you're going to need ten forks on your hand.

-Yeah.

What's that, you're in desperate need of ten forks?

-Hiya!

-LAUGHTER

Leah, who do you think I am?

-Gordon Ramsay.

-No!

-Yeah!

Let me give you the third clue.

I am most famous for, oh, hang on.

I think there is a rhyme for it.

Oh, yes, remember, remember...

LAUGHTER

-It's a good tash.

-..Movember!

Do have any idea how hard it is to put on a moustache

when you've got forks for fingers?

-LAUGHTER

-You be careful.

It's my birthday or something, the fifth.

The fifth of Movember.

Who am I?

Are you Guy Fawkes?

-I'm Guy Fawkes!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-If it wasn't for Leah...

-Have a marshmallow.

Good catch!

I'm not sure you should have done that.

-Is that a prop?

-Yeah.

-Oh, no!

Tastes so good(!)

-I'm just going to pop these over here.

-Oh...

Right, I was Guy Fawkes.

A British soldier who's best-known

for taking part in the Gunpowder Plot in 1605.

There you go. So, Eddie's team, you're up next.

-OK, here we go.

-No ducks.

No ducks, no.

I-I-I-I-I am an English woman.

I liked to write from a very young age.

I kept pets such as rabbits and mice and hedgehogs.

Though I couldn't stroke my hedgehog,

but it did come in handy as a back scratcher.

-LAUGHTER

-Mm, oh!

I wish I had a friend who had forks for fingers.

-Guy Fawkes.

-No!

-Right.

Goldilocks.

-Goldilocks?

-Oo, interesting.

She lived in the woods with a lot of animals, didn't she?

Three bears, there was no hedgehogs.

"Oh, this bed's too hot.

"Oh, this bed's too prickly.

-"Oh, wait, it's a hedgehog."

-LAUGHTER

Next clue, next clue.

As well as being an illustrator,

I was a conservationist,

which means I protected wildlife and the environment.

So, if anyone ever tries to kick my flowers,

I'll put them in a headlock.

Who am I?

Holly Willoughby.

Is she a conservationist?

She once got me in a headlock after I kicked her flowers.

-Show off!

-Right.

Next clue, here we go.

My most famous book was called The Tales of Peter Rabbit.

I read it to my rabbit and he said he thought it was too unbelievable.

When I asked, "Why do you think it's unbelievable?",

he said, "Because there's a talking rabbit!"

I know! I know it, I know it!

Who am I?

-Harry Potter.

-Yes.

-Expelliarmus!

-HE SHOOTS SPELL

Right, who am I?

-Beatrix Potter.

-Yes!

-I'm Beatrix Potter.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, mama.

I was Beatrix Potter,

the English author and illustrator of children's books

and famously the creator of Peter Rabbit,

Jemima Puddle-Duck and Mrs Tiggy-Winkle.

OK, well done.

In that round, you both got a gold star.

-Well done!

-APPLAUSE

# La la la la la... #

VOICEOVER: It's time for Smashy-oke!

Ladies and gentlemen,

-it's Mr Smash, everybody.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Smash. You all right, mate?

-I'm good.

-Yeah, good.

So, after my amazing acting, it's over to Smash's strange singing,

which can be so high pitched at times

only dogs can hear it.

-DODGE BARKS IN SURPRISE

-That's a good song, isn't it?

Right, guys, there you have it. So, what is going to happen is this.

Smash is going to sing you a classic pop tune.

Sam and Mark, you've had a few classic pop tunes, haven't you?

-We've had the one.

-LAUGHTER

OK, Smash is going to sing the song.

You guys guess what it is at the end,

I will go to each of you individually.

Smashy, take it away...

SINGS INDISTINCT LYRICS

HOLDS NOTE

APPLAUSE

Ho, ho, ho...!

Er, so, any ideas, Eddie?

Let It Go.

-You're going to go to Let It Go?

-Yeah.

-Right, OK.

Leah's team, what're you thinking?

Can I just say, do you want one of my cough sweets?

Oh!

-All right!

-Ha, he does.

Here you go.

Never promise that man cough sweets

cos he will take you up on the offer.

That's a well-known fact.

-Mark?

-Katy Perry, Firework.

Katy Perry, Firework. You're going to go with that?

-Leah, you're the captain, what are you going to go for?

-Er...

-Leah!

-Katy Perry, Firework!

OK.

We've got Frozen - Let It Go, Katy Perry - Firework.

Let's find out what it was.

Smashy, off you go.

# Let it go

# Let it go

# When I'll rise Like the break of dawn

# Let it go

# Let it go

# That perfect girl is gone... #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

There you go, it was Let It Go.

Give it up for Mr Smash, everybody.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

At the end of the round, Eddie got it right,

so, Eddie's team, you get a gold star!

Yes! APPLAUSE

It's time to get sporty with Sprint Finish,

so I hope you've brought your PE kit

cos I don't want to see you do it in your pants.

This is a round that'll get you sweatier than a PE teacher's vest.

One member of each team acts out a sporty thing

and their team-mates have to guess what they're miming.

Keep your eyes on the action though,

because you're not allowed to speak.

Do you understand?

Very well done. Gold star.

Now, very clever, very clever.

VOICEOVER: School disco!

School disco!

# Ladies all across the world

# Listen up, we're looking for recruits

# If you're with me Let me see your hands

# Stand up and salute

# Get your killer heels, sneakers, pumps or lace up your boots

# Representing all the women Salute, salute!

# Attention

# Salute

# Atten... # TRACK SKIPS

OK, so, Eddie's team, you're up first,

and I think, Sam, you're doing the acting out.

Oh, well, doesn't matter, mate.

On you go, give it up to Sam, everybody.

APPLAUSE

VOICEOVER: The sports spot!

Get on your sport spot.

Your time starts when Eddie flips over the first card.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh!

Erm...

-Hurdles.

-Yes, first one.

-Good one. OK.

-I'll help you.

-Come on.

-Erm, three-legged race.

-Yes!

Next!

Go!

Right.

-Rugby, rugby.

-Yes!

-Next one.

Well done, Eddie.

-Going to the toilet.

-Skiing, skiing, skiing.

-Going to the toilet?

-Yeah.

-Really badly needing to go to the toilet.

-Erm, ski run, ski run.

Skiing what?

-Ski jumping!

-Yes! Next one.

Cheerleading!

No, what's he holding?

-Pom-poms.

-Yes!

-Wow.

-Rock, paper, scissors.

-Yes!

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, it's over.

-APPLAUSE

Well done, Sam and Eddie's team.

Leah, you're up next.

Dominique's going for your team.

Are you a sporty person?

Absolutely not.

Good, this is going to work well.

Dominique, please go down to the sport spot.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE VOICEOVER: The sport spot!

Right, Leah, three, two, one, go!

-Archery.

-Yes!

Oh...

-Sumo!

-No!

Weightlifting.

-What's she doing though...

-Wrestler

-..with those weights?

-Oh, she's looking awful buff.

-Erm...

Oh, she's drinking her protein shakes. Oh, she's in shape.

-Oh, you're a body-builder.

-Yes!

Well done.

Dominique!

LAUGHTER

-Kiss chase!

-Yes!

I'm going to give you a star for that.

Oh....!

-Standing long jump.

-Standing long jump?

Long jump.

Ah, but what does that make her?

An athlete.

-Yeah, what type of athlete?

-Skier.

-A good one.

No!

An athlete who does long jumping is a...

Olympian.

No!

-What's wrong with you?

-Triple jump!

-No, what is she?

-Is she a...

-A...a...a jumper.

-A jumper.

Oh, it's a distance she's done, that makes her a...

-Long jumper.

-Yes!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Frisbee!

-Yes!

-Oh, nice.

Leah has got it right every single time.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, time's up.

Have a sit down, Dominique.

-Dominique, everyone.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Well done to Eddie's team and well done to Dominique and Leah.

It is no surprise that the winners of that round,

and getting the gold star, is Eddie's team.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Time now for a bit of history.

Let me take you to the time when medieval knights

used to go into battle covered in armour.

If I went up against them nowadays,

I wouldn't use a sword, I'd use a tin opener.

-It's time for Pop-A-Lot.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

HORN PLAYS

Who will be knighted as Sir Pop-A-Lot

and win these lovely T-shirts.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

One grown-up from each team will take part in

our historical games day

using our balloon jousting helmets that I have here.

They must compete to see who can pop the most balloons

before the school bell rings.

Eddie, who are you going to pick from your team,

bearing in mind that only one of your team members is human.

Don't let me down, Eddie.

So, you can either have a human man

or a little tiny dog.

I'm going to have to go with Sam.

I love how you said you're "going to have to go with Sam".

-Leah...?

-EDDIE: Next time, Dodge.

Well, I think I'm going to go for...

-..Mark.

-Oh, dear.

That means we've got a Sam and Mark head-to-head.

-TEAMS:

-Ooh.

They pretend they're friends so they can get on telly, yeah?

But are they friends in real life

and can they put their friendship aside and battle.

-Why are you all drinking water funny?

-Don't know.

-DODGE:

-This is weird.

-We're psyching each other out.

-Right, guys.

So, please, Sam and Mark.

The duo, now sworn enemies.

Make your way to the jousting area!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Make you way down to the areas.

HORN PLAYS

HORSES NEIGH

PLAYS JAZZ TUNE ON HORN

Oh, it's like history coming to life.

Two brave knights and two unrealistic steeds.

A gold star to the victor.

I now declare that Iain Stirling celebrity jousting games...

beguneth!

Go!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Pop those balloons!

Pop as many as you can!

Mark's in the lead! Sam, you can't let him win!

Go on, Mark. Mark is absolutely smashing it.

Go on, Sam.

Go on, Mark.

Go on, Sam.

-DOMINIQUE:

-Higher, higher, higher, higher...

These guys are stalwarts of CBBC.

Oh, oh!

Mark's nearly done! Mark's nearly done!

Sam, Mark is nearly done!

Quick!

Quick!

One more, Mark!

Yay!

-BELL RINGS

-Time's up.

Time's up.

Lads!

-SAM:

-I was at a disadvantage, my horse only has only got two legs.

You look absolutely wonderful,

but the obvious winner is the man that got rid of all of them.

So, the gold star goes to Leah's team. Well done, Mark.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I'm feeling pretty tense, cos it's now time to sort

the superstars from the pooper-stars.

Mr Smash is standing with some thoughtful educational approaches.

OK, so it's time to find out which team are swotty

and which team are...

AUDIENCE: Naughty!

Oooh...

I can reveal that it's a draw,

but, cos it's Eddie's birthday, I'm giving him a bonus gold star,

so the winner is Eddie's team.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Happy birthday, Eddie.

Commiserations, Leah's team.

You are off to detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame. Buy.

-# La la la la-la la AUDIENCE:

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

# Losers! #

So, there you go. See you later, you guys.

And well done to Eddie's team.

Give it up for Eddie, Sam and Dodge.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Happy birthday, Eddie,

-and you get a hand in your homework!

-Yay!

-Nice one, Eddie.

# La la la la la-la la You are the winners

# La la la la la-la la We are the winners. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's have the losers back from their detention with Mr Smash.

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

-# La la la la-la la

-# Losers

# Losers. #

-HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, it's hula dancing.

-DODGE LAUGHS

-Well, there you go.

And now it's time for the dog to come eat the homework. Dog!

Well, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!

DOG EATS HOMEWORK, BURPS