Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework


Episode 7

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Transcript


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BELL RINGS THEY MUMBLE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yeah!

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Thank you. Thank you for coming.

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Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework, a panel show all about school.

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I'm Iain Stirling and I want to know who here has been in a school play?

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Cheer if you've been in a school play.

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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I've been in a school play.

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I know what you're thinking, "Iain, with your good looks

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"and amazing acting ability, I bet you were in every school play!"

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And you wouldn't be wrong because in every school play

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I've ever been in I've played my regular role of...

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Background Character!

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LAUGHTER

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When a school play needed a 'shepherd number three'

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or a woodland creature, and I would come in like that, womph!

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I can do a pretty good meerkat.

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The year I played shepherd number three, not the best role.

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Shepherd number three meant I was one step above the kid

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that played sheep.

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Just a guy with cotton buds stuck on his face. It was really weird.

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My costume was so big I looked less like a herder of livestock

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and more like a massive walking tent!

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I'm walking around going, "Hi, I'm shepherd number three."

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You like look a massive pile of pants, what you talking about?!

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Also the changing rooms were

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so small every time shepherd number two farted my hair blew back.

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It was embarrassing.

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My mum's down the front trying to film me, but my costume's so big,

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she can't even tell who I am. The only way she knows who I am by

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working out which kitchen flannel she had given me as a head scarf.

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No matter how badly you do in a school play,

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your mum's always really embarrassingly proud of you.

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My mum's gone, "That was the best shepherd number three

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"I think I've ever seen".

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Really, Mum? I tripped over my massive costume, landed on top of

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the guy that played the sheep. He did a big "baah",

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I stood up, panicked and done a meerkat.

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Let's get on with the show. Can I have the school bell, please?

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ROAR

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I'm going to have to get that fixed.

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Let's meet the teams!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On my left we have a girl who's not only intelligent,

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charming and witty...

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But who also writes her own intros. Give it up for Mitzi!

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And on Mitzi's team - you've seen him on Wizards vs Aliens,

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but look away if you don't want to see the scores.

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-It's Percelle Ascott, everybody!

-Here!

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And taking the team up to three is a woman

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who used to wear a wig in court.

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She's a lawyer, not a bald tennis player. It's Susan Calman!

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Here!

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Give it up for Mitzi's team, everyone!

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And on the other team is a boy who is so smart

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he does his homework in his sleep.

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Or at least he dreams he does. It's John Patrick AKA JP!

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On JP's team, someone who graduated from MI High

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to star in the nation's favourite TV show - our one!

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He's also in EastEnders. It's Sam Strike!

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And joining them is a member of CBBC's very own 4 O'Clock Club.

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Probably the best show on CBBC that isn't on a 4.00,

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except this one. It's Dan Wright!

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Give it up for JP's team!

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OK, let's cut to the chase.

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In this show, you're either a winner or a big dog's dinner,

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because you lot play loads of crazy games

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to win yourself some special gold stars.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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Ooh, my precious.

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I can give them out or take them away.

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Remember it's Iain's school, so it's...

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AUDIENCE: Iain's rules!

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It's a very popular catchphrase.

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The winners get to hand in their homework, but the losers will

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have their jotters marked by the Dog, using his teeth.

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And they'll also face detention with our frankly frightening

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PE teacher, a man so sweaty he's got his own flood warning.

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It's Mr Smash and The Dog.

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And today, they're having a little arm wrestle.

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DOG GROWLS

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RIP

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Ahh!

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He could be there for literally hours,

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so let's get on this pony and go!

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This is Body Language,

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the round where we let our bodies do the talking.

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Hey, wouldn't it be great if your bodies could talk?

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Mine would probably say, "What are you wearing?"

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I have questions, each has a three-letter answer.

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All you have to do is spell it out using your bodeses,

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or bodies for the laymen amongst you.

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First to go for a big gold star is Mitzi's team.

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So bring on the letterbox!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What you have to do is answer the questions with your letters

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using just your bodies. Your time starts now.

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It's like the nights but with less vampires.

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What are you doing?! It looks like you're itching your bum.

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What's that?

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It's supposed to be a B.

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You're posing in a muscleman competition.

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Don't mind me, I'm just judging. Don't mind me.

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OK. Next one. It lives with you but never pays any rent.

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-Pet!

-Pet.

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Mitzi, you just trying to make Percelle feel better?

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What have you done here? What are you doing?!

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-What is that?!

-I'm trying to do...

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I'll give you that.

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-Dorothy's heartless friend was made from this.

-Tin.

-Yes.

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Wait, no, no, no.

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To get the full points you've got to hold that in for three seconds.

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One, two, three!

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Yeah!

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It's a small version of a man.

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P again. Come on, Percelle. Do your B.

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Come on, Percelle.

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That's a D!

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You're not doing it in a mirror, mate.

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I'll give you that one.

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You might use this to build a fire. You put it on the fire.

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-Oh, put them on the fire.

-Log!

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Yeah, I'll give you that.

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BELL RINGS

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Oh, time's up. Well done, Mitzi's team.

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Please take a seat back by the desk. Give it up for Mitzi's team.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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JP's team, on you come to the letterbox.

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Get in.

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Right, guys, I'm going to give you the first question.

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That question is happening now.

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The rodent is what you smell when you think something is wrong.

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I smell a...?

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Gold star if you do rat face while you do it.

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Well done.

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-James Bond is a...?

-Spy.

-Yes.

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-P...

-Oh, sorry. Wrong way.

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Lean on me. Head back a bit.

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I'll give you that one.

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-The size of a T-Rex poo.

-Big?

-Yes. Right.

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Brilliant!

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Next one. Something you would use to slide down a slope.

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-Nice S, mate.

-Would it be a ski?

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I'll try to do that.

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Just lean right... Try and get right into it. Have you got that...?

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-Do your K!

-I'm trying!

-I'm going to die here!

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OK, I'll give you that.

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-This round is tiring.

-Is it(?)

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-Like a jelly substance often used to style your hair.

-Gel.

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-Can you spell?

-I'm trying to think!

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-Gel.

-G-E-L.

-Yes. Yes.

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-E, JP.

-I'm trying it.

-E, mate.

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-I can't really stretch my legs out for it.

-Do an E!

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That one forward. Put that leg out.

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Do the G to finish it. Do the G, do the G!

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Hold the E! I'll give you that one.

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-BELL RINGS

-Time's up.

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Go back to your desk. JP's team, everybody.

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I can tell you that both teams get a gold star!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It's time for Stick To The Point, where we ask

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most serious of important questions of our time.

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Like, "Hey, Iain, who does your hair?"

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Well, it's 20 highly trained technicians

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from Laboratoire Hairdo Ridiculous - because...

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I'm worth it.

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Anyway, I'm going to ask you guys some quickfire questions.

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You have to answer them as fast as you can.

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If you are not speedy, or repeat somebody else's answer,

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you are out of the game

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and have to set your finger on your lips in the shush position.

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Shush.

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A shiny gold star for the last team standing.

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For this, I need my stick of pointiness.

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Beat that, Harry Potter.

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Yeah, I'm pretty magical. How did he do it?

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You will never know, children of the television.

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-OK, superpowers. Dan.

-Being able to fly.

-Percelle.

-Strength.

-Sam.

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Growing carrots.

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-Growing them?

-You look at them and they grow.

-Quickly?

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-Like, in seconds.

-That is Alan Titchmarsh's superpower. Mitzi.

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-Turning invisible.

-Ooh.

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-JP.

-Being bossy.

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Hm, OK. Susan.

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Telling if milk is off in the fridge before opening the fridge.

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I would pay good money to have that power. Dan.

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Not being able to hear your mum moaning.

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CROWD: Boo!

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All right, mums, this isn't for you.

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-Percelle.

-Reading minds.

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-What am I thinking?

-That you're going to give me the point.

-I am.

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And a gold star. Sam.

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Moving stuff with your brain.

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Moving stuff with your brain. Not your mind.

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You get your brain out and you just go, "Ehhh."

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-Yeah!

-Mitzi.

-X-ray vision.

-Dan.

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Being able to read a book without actually reading it.

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It just goes straight in.

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Shush yourself because that's known as an audio book.

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-All right. Being able to...

-Shush yourself!

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-Percelle.

-Stretching...power. Super stretch.

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-Oh, come on!

-Yes, yes.

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-Stretch.

-That's just a human condition.

-Shush yourself.

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-Sam.

-X-ray vision.

-Mitzi.

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-He repeated!

-Oh, yes. Shush yourself.

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We've had X-ray vision. Thank you, everyone, for keeping me in check.

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-It's just JP versus the girls. JP.

-Laser eyes.

-Susan.

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-Change the television channels by blinking.

-Ooh! JP.

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-Every superpower.

-No, JP. Not every superpower.

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I'll put you in shush position.

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The points go to Mitzi's team for that one.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, next one. Mythical creatures/monsters.

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We'll start with Sam.

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-Iain Stirling.

-I'll give you that.

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I hope you mean mythical creature, mate.

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-Mitzi.

-Loch Ness Monster.

-JP.

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Susan.

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CROWD: Ohh!

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-Susan Calman.

-I'll remember his name. Erm...

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LAUGHTER

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-JP, you are shushed for that comment.

-Sorry!

-Yes. I'm a lady.

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-Susan.

-The Kraken!

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-Dan.

-The weird grandma of the Arctic.

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Ohhh, who only comes out at night and steals asparagus.

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-Percelle.

-Godzilla.

-Sam.

-Minotaur.

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-Percelle.

-Cyclops.

-Sam.

-Er...

-No.

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Shush yourself.

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-Susan.

-Bigfoot.

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-Dan.

-The strange cousin of Egypt.

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Who comes out and steals your carrots.

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We've got one more.

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Only because I'm enjoying them you are not in shush position right now.

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-Mitzi.

-Leprechauns.

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-Dan.

-The bizarre... I'm out. I'm out.

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Shush yourself! Points go to Mitzi's team.

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And at the end of that round, the winners

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and get another gold star is Mitzi's team.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-BOOMING VOICE:

-School dinners!

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Oh, no. It's Mrs Mash, the dinner lady.

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My, my, there's a lot of

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rumbly tummies out here, especially yours, Stirling.

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What a racket. Still, it's better than the noises you usually

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make out of your, um...your mouth.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Anyway, don't panic, everybody, there is

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plenty of food for everybody.

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But here, Iain, I've made you a special wee treat. Look at that.

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Corned beef fricassee, that is. That is organic.

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It took me all day to cut the corns off my feet.

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And look, I've even got a wee bit of leftover tripe jelly

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there for the dog.

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Look at that. Isn't that wobbly?

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I'll tell you what,

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I'm not going to eat that that I know someone who will eat it.

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Mr Smash!

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HE SNIFFS Oh, here he comes.

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Here he comes. Oh, where's the... Oh. Oh, no.

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HE BARKS

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ewww!

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Right, you, back in the kitchen! Back in the kitchen!

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Mr Smash and Mrs Mash.

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Now we come to the part of the show where I bring out my inner thespian.

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Yes, it's everyone's favourite part -

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Who Do You Think I Am?

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-Oh, Iain!

-THEY GROAN

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Guys, you are all too kind.

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OK, using just the mystery of performance, I'm going

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to sink into my prop box and re-emerge as a famous character.

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You get to tell me - who do you think I am?

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Let's do this already! Come on!

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OK, JP's team. You're pretty lucky. You get to see the miracle first.

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Got some props I've got to get on.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not going to do without props and it'd look stupid.

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-Are you some sort of bird?

-I've got a thumb, mate.

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Oh, sorry, I didn't see that.

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-Have you ever seen a bird with a thumb, mate?

-No.

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-I'm the one who is ridiculous.

-Yeah!

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Can I act now?

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-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-'I am an English woman.

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'Born over 500 years ago.

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'It is believed I had six fingers on one hand.

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'No-one knows if it's true, but I'll say this to you, Sam.

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'If you asked me to play the guitar, I can shred some mean solos.'

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ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS

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-I take it you can't play the guitar.

-'Listen to me.'

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ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS

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'In your face. Who am I?'

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'Who am I?'

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You're a really cranky old grandmother who can play the guitar.

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-A cranky old grandmother?

-Yeah.

-I've got a sixth finger, mate.

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It's got to make you a bit cranky.

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'Let's do clue number two.'

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OK.

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'For a brief period...' So high.

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You got to bring it lower. Pretend to be an English gentleman

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but just make it a little bit ladylike.

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-I've got you. I've nailed it.

-OK.

-I've got it.

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Here you go. I've got it.

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-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-'For a brief period...'

-Oh!

-Stop laughing at me!

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'For a brief period in the 1530s, I was Queen of England.

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'In chess, the Queen can put the King into checkmate.

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'But in real life, the King can chop off the Queen's head,

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'which is what he had done.

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'He chopped my head clean off.

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'Who am I?'

0:17:350:17:37

-What were you sentence for to be executed?

-'Ooh.

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'Because my husband was awfully cranky in the mornings.'

0:17:400:17:43

Clue three, before you thought it could get any weirder.

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-I like the new do.

-Oh, it's Basket Face.

-Basket Face?!

-Clearly.

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-Oh, that popular 1530s woman, Basket Face.

-Yeah.

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'After my cheeky husband had my head chopped off,

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'he went on to marry four other women.

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'Normally women stay away from men who go on chopping people's heads

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'off, but he was the King of England so you've got to make an exception.'

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-SINGS:

-# Who am I? My head is in a basket. #

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I'm trying to think but I don't know...

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'Think fast, I got a basket on my head.' It's heavier than it looks.

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-Is it Anne Boleyn?

-I'm Anne Boleyn!

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I am Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII

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and mother of Queen Elizabeth I.

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Give it up for JP's team, everybody!

0:18:360:18:39

APPLAUSE

0:18:390:18:41

Right. Mitzi, you've just seen some pretty powerful acting.

0:18:440:18:48

-Have you started yet?

-No.

0:18:490:18:52

-Can you give me a signal as when you started?

-You'll know. Ready?

0:18:520:18:56

Is it now?

0:18:560:18:57

Whoa.

0:18:590:19:00

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-'I am an American man.'

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Oh, dear. If any Americans are watching, this is how you talk.

0:19:040:19:09

'I'm an American man who some people thought was a little strange. Me?

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'Strange? Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:19:150:19:20

-'I don't be thinking so. Who am I?'

-Wow.

-'Yee-haw!'

0:19:200:19:26

Do you have any ideas, Mitzi, who this could be?

0:19:260:19:29

Well, no, because it's not very good acting, so...

0:19:290:19:33

AUDIENCE: Ohhh.

0:19:330:19:36

'You've been looking at me funny all day.

0:19:370:19:39

'Stop being scared. Enjoy yourself.

0:19:390:19:42

'Live your life!'

0:19:420:19:44

-I don't know. Are you George W Bush?

-'George W Bush?

0:19:450:19:49

'I said I was strange.

0:19:500:19:52

'Would a president of the United States be strange?

0:19:520:19:55

'I don't think so.'

0:19:550:19:57

-OK.

-'Here we go. Clue number two. OK.

0:19:570:20:00

'Some people know me as the father of the detective story.

0:20:000:20:04

'Some people know me as a man created with defining

0:20:040:20:07

'modern short stories and as a poet.

0:20:070:20:10

'Others know me simply as that strange guy.'

0:20:100:20:14

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:20:140:20:16

-Wow.

-'Who am I, Percelle?'

-What year was you born in?

0:20:180:20:21

'I was born in the past.'

0:20:210:20:24

LAUGHTER

0:20:240:20:25

-That kind of defeats the question.

-'You know, back in the day.'

0:20:250:20:29

With the hair and the trousers, you look kind of like Prince.

0:20:290:20:33

Or Mick Jagger! You look quite like Mick Jagger.

0:20:350:20:38

-Yeah. Mitzi, have you got any ideas to who this is?

-Well, no.

0:20:380:20:42

Stop looking so scared all the time!

0:20:420:20:45

No, it's not that you're bad at acting, it's... I just don't know.

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Do you know what, Mitzi, you're one of the nicest people in the world.

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It is because the acting is bad but let's move on.

0:20:530:20:55

'Third clue, and Mitzi, since you are such a nice little lady

0:20:550:20:59

'just then, I'm going to give you a gold star as well. OK.

0:20:590:21:02

'Here we go. I'm going to get my third clue on, yep!'

0:21:020:21:06

-I know him.

-Stop laughing.

0:21:080:21:12

You look like Harry Potter with a bat on his face.

0:21:130:21:15

-Harry Potter with the bat on his face?

-Yeah!

0:21:150:21:19

What's your favourite Harry Potter novel?

0:21:190:21:21

Probably Harry Potter And The Bat On His Face.

0:21:210:21:24

'I would like to deliver my next clue

0:21:260:21:28

'in the form of a very short poem.

0:21:280:21:30

'My most famous point is about a raven

0:21:300:21:32

'and my top lip is completely unshaven.

0:21:320:21:35

'That's not strange!'

0:21:350:21:37

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

0:21:370:21:40

'Who am I?'

0:21:410:21:43

-Is it Edgar Allan Poe?

-I'm Edgar Allan Poe!

0:21:430:21:46

'I'm Edgar Allan Poe - American author, poet,

0:21:510:21:53

-'editor and cricket.' Cricket?!

-Critic.

0:21:530:21:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:570:21:59

'But I'm best known for my scary and mysterious tales.'

0:22:000:22:03

Well done, Mitzi's team, you get a gold star!

0:22:030:22:07

Our next game is in a world of its own.

0:22:160:22:18

It's Globe Hoppers.

0:22:180:22:20

Globe Hoppers.

0:22:200:22:22

Hey! Hey!

0:22:220:22:24

Hey! Hey!

0:22:250:22:27

He bounced pretty high.

0:22:270:22:29

Poor Smash there, he gets lost putting his socks on in the morning.

0:22:290:22:32

OK, so here is how this game works.

0:22:320:22:34

-Very simple.

-School disco!

0:22:340:22:38

School disco!

0:22:380:22:39

# I'm gonna see ya

0:22:410:22:42

# I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya

0:22:420:22:44

# One way or another

0:22:440:22:47

# I'm gonna win ya

0:22:470:22:48

# I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya... #

0:22:480:22:51

Very simple. What happens is I'll ask a series of questions

0:22:540:22:57

and the name of a country as their answer.

0:22:570:22:59

But you don't just shout out the answers,

0:22:590:23:01

that would be ridiculous,

0:23:010:23:02

what happens is each team will have a globe hopper

0:23:020:23:05

who bounces around the world and brings me back the answer.

0:23:050:23:09

Sam and Percelle, you will be the globe hoppers for your teams.

0:23:090:23:13

Now, bring me the world-ah!

0:23:130:23:17

So, what's going to happen is we are going to take off.

0:23:240:23:26

Let's go round the world in 80 bounces.

0:23:260:23:29

Three, two, one, hop it, guys!

0:23:290:23:31

Hop it!

0:23:310:23:32

Get bouncing round that globe.

0:23:320:23:34

Your first question.

0:23:340:23:36

Where is the Taj Mahal?

0:23:360:23:38

India! Yes, yes, Percelle!

0:23:380:23:39

Bring it back.

0:23:390:23:41

It's in India, correct.

0:23:410:23:43

Hop off, away!

0:23:430:23:45

Mona Lisa lives in this country.

0:23:450:23:47

France, France, France!

0:23:470:23:49

It's there! It's there, Percelle! It's there!

0:23:490:23:52

Oh, no!

0:23:530:23:55

It's up high.

0:23:550:23:57

Oh, stop knocking them all!

0:23:570:23:58

OK. Getting off.

0:24:010:24:03

CHEERING

0:24:050:24:07

France.

0:24:070:24:08

-Paddington Bear comes from this country.

-Peru, Peru!

0:24:080:24:11

As well as your Amazon River.

0:24:110:24:13

-To the left!

-Right beside it!

0:24:150:24:17

Turn it! Turn it!

0:24:170:24:18

Peru, correct.

0:24:210:24:22

Godzilla originally came from this country.

0:24:230:24:26

Japan, Japan, Japan!

0:24:260:24:28

Japan, correct.

0:24:310:24:32

Three, two, one, hop it!

0:24:320:24:35

The country I'm looking for has plenty of ice on its land.

0:24:350:24:39

Straight to the top. Top!

0:24:390:24:41

Oh!

0:24:430:24:44

You got it. Bring it over.

0:24:440:24:46

Come on, Sam.

0:24:460:24:48

Iceland.

0:24:480:24:50

Well done.

0:24:500:24:51

What are you two doing?!

0:24:540:24:56

You're meant to be sworn enemies, not hugging each other.

0:24:560:24:59

It's weird!

0:24:590:25:00

Three, two, one, hop it!

0:25:000:25:02

Come on, Sam.

0:25:030:25:06

This place is famous for having a painted house,

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a painted white house.

0:25:080:25:10

USA!

0:25:100:25:12

Ooh. Percelle is getting...

0:25:120:25:15

Oh, and USA! Correct.

0:25:150:25:17

BELL RINGS

0:25:170:25:19

Time's up!

0:25:190:25:21

Time's up.

0:25:220:25:23

Percelle.

0:25:230:25:24

Sam. Let's find out who's navigating the globe like a migrating goose

0:25:250:25:29

and who's lost and confused like a penguin at a bus stop.

0:25:290:25:32

I can tell you the winner of that round is JP.

0:25:320:25:35

Well done, JP's team!

0:25:350:25:37

Well done, Sam. Let's go back. Come on!

0:25:370:25:40

Now it's time to salute our heroes

0:25:460:25:48

and say goodbye to our big fat zeros.

0:25:480:25:50

Mr Smash is standing by with his attitude correction facility.

0:25:500:25:54

HE GRUNTS

0:25:550:25:57

He really has some anger issues he needs to look at.

0:25:570:26:00

OK, it's time to find out which team are swotty and which team are...

0:26:000:26:03

-ALL:

-Naughty!

0:26:030:26:05

Oooh.

0:26:050:26:10

I can tell you the winners this week are Mitzi's team!

0:26:100:26:17

No!

0:26:170:26:19

Well done.

0:26:190:26:20

That means the losers are JP's team.

0:26:200:26:22

Now, JP, Sam and Dan, you've got yourself detention with Mr Smash,

0:26:220:26:26

so please hand your homework over to the dog to have a little snack on.

0:26:260:26:30

And now, lads, take the walk of shame.

0:26:350:26:37

Off you go.

0:26:370:26:39

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:26:390:26:40

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:26:400:26:42

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:26:420:26:44

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:26:440:26:46

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

0:26:460:26:49

-# ALL:

-Losers.

-#

0:26:490:26:50

Well done to the winners, Mitzi's team.

0:26:500:26:53

Mitzi, Susan and Percelle!

0:26:530:26:55

Get up and hand me your homework!

0:26:550:26:59

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

0:26:590:27:01

# We are the winners

0:27:010:27:03

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la,

0:27:030:27:05

# We are the winners. #

0:27:050:27:07

OK, let's have the losers back for detention with Mr Smash!

0:27:080:27:12

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:27:120:27:14

-# La, la, la, la, la, la,

-Losers

0:27:140:27:16

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:27:160:27:18

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:27:180:27:20

-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

0:27:200:27:22

-#

-Losers.

-#

0:27:220:27:24

Looking good, lads.

0:27:240:27:26

-MORRIS DANCING MUSIC PLAYS

-Little bit of morris dancing

0:27:260:27:28

with Mr Smash there.

0:27:280:27:30

Boy, am I glad I'm not a loser.

0:27:330:27:36

OK, well, we didn't learn much but it sure was fun trying.

0:27:360:27:40

See you all next time on...

0:27:400:27:42

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

0:27:420:27:45

See ya!

0:27:450:27:48

DOG BURPS

0:27:480:27:49

MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:520:27:54

ALL CLAP

0:27:540:27:55

Download Subtitles

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