Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework

BELL RINGS THEY MUMBLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework, a panel show all about school.

I'm Iain Stirling and I want to know who here has been in a school play?

Cheer if you've been in a school play.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

I've been in a school play.

I know what you're thinking, "Iain, with your good looks

"and amazing acting ability, I bet you were in every school play!"

And you wouldn't be wrong because in every school play

I've ever been in I've played my regular role of...

Background Character!

LAUGHTER

When a school play needed a 'shepherd number three'

or a woodland creature, and I would come in like that, womph!

I can do a pretty good meerkat.

The year I played shepherd number three, not the best role.

Shepherd number three meant I was one step above the kid

that played sheep.

Just a guy with cotton buds stuck on his face. It was really weird.

My costume was so big I looked less like a herder of livestock

and more like a massive walking tent!

I'm walking around going, "Hi, I'm shepherd number three."

You like look a massive pile of pants, what you talking about?!

Also the changing rooms were

so small every time shepherd number two farted my hair blew back.

It was embarrassing.

My mum's down the front trying to film me, but my costume's so big,

she can't even tell who I am. The only way she knows who I am by

working out which kitchen flannel she had given me as a head scarf.

No matter how badly you do in a school play,

your mum's always really embarrassingly proud of you.

My mum's gone, "That was the best shepherd number three

"I think I've ever seen".

Really, Mum? I tripped over my massive costume, landed on top of

the guy that played the sheep. He did a big "baah",

I stood up, panicked and done a meerkat.

Let's get on with the show. Can I have the school bell, please?

ROAR

I'm going to have to get that fixed.

Let's meet the teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On my left we have a girl who's not only intelligent,

charming and witty...

But who also writes her own intros. Give it up for Mitzi!

And on Mitzi's team - you've seen him on Wizards vs Aliens,

but look away if you don't want to see the scores.

-It's Percelle Ascott, everybody!

-Here!

And taking the team up to three is a woman

who used to wear a wig in court.

She's a lawyer, not a bald tennis player. It's Susan Calman!

Here!

Give it up for Mitzi's team, everyone!

And on the other team is a boy who is so smart

he does his homework in his sleep.

Or at least he dreams he does. It's John Patrick AKA JP!

On JP's team, someone who graduated from MI High

to star in the nation's favourite TV show - our one!

He's also in EastEnders. It's Sam Strike!

And joining them is a member of CBBC's very own 4 O'Clock Club.

Probably the best show on CBBC that isn't on a 4.00,

except this one. It's Dan Wright!

Give it up for JP's team!

OK, let's cut to the chase.

In this show, you're either a winner or a big dog's dinner,

because you lot play loads of crazy games

to win yourself some special gold stars.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Ooh, my precious.

I can give them out or take them away.

Remember it's Iain's school, so it's...

AUDIENCE: Iain's rules!

It's a very popular catchphrase.

The winners get to hand in their homework, but the losers will

have their jotters marked by the Dog, using his teeth.

And they'll also face detention with our frankly frightening

PE teacher, a man so sweaty he's got his own flood warning.

It's Mr Smash and The Dog.

And today, they're having a little arm wrestle.

DOG GROWLS

RIP

Ahh!

He could be there for literally hours,

so let's get on this pony and go!

This is Body Language,

the round where we let our bodies do the talking.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if your bodies could talk?

Mine would probably say, "What are you wearing?"

I have questions, each has a three-letter answer.

All you have to do is spell it out using your bodeses,

or bodies for the laymen amongst you.

First to go for a big gold star is Mitzi's team.

So bring on the letterbox!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you have to do is answer the questions with your letters

using just your bodies. Your time starts now.

It's like the nights but with less vampires.

What are you doing?! It looks like you're itching your bum.

What's that?

It's supposed to be a B.

You're posing in a muscleman competition.

Don't mind me, I'm just judging. Don't mind me.

OK. Next one. It lives with you but never pays any rent.

-Pet!

-Pet.

Mitzi, you just trying to make Percelle feel better?

What have you done here? What are you doing?!

-What is that?!

-I'm trying to do...

I'll give you that.

-Dorothy's heartless friend was made from this.

-Tin.

-Yes.

Wait, no, no, no.

To get the full points you've got to hold that in for three seconds.

One, two, three!

Yeah!

It's a small version of a man.

P again. Come on, Percelle. Do your B.

Come on, Percelle.

That's a D!

You're not doing it in a mirror, mate.

I'll give you that one.

You might use this to build a fire. You put it on the fire.

-Oh, put them on the fire.

-Log!

Yeah, I'll give you that.

BELL RINGS

Oh, time's up. Well done, Mitzi's team.

Please take a seat back by the desk. Give it up for Mitzi's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JP's team, on you come to the letterbox.

Get in.

Right, guys, I'm going to give you the first question.

That question is happening now.

The rodent is what you smell when you think something is wrong.

I smell a...?

Gold star if you do rat face while you do it.

Well done.

-James Bond is a...?

-Spy.

-Yes.

-P...

-Oh, sorry. Wrong way.

Lean on me. Head back a bit.

I'll give you that one.

-The size of a T-Rex poo.

-Big?

-Yes. Right.

Brilliant!

Next one. Something you would use to slide down a slope.

-Nice S, mate.

-Would it be a ski?

I'll try to do that.

Just lean right... Try and get right into it. Have you got that...?

-Do your K!

-I'm trying!

-I'm going to die here!

OK, I'll give you that.

-This round is tiring.

-Is it(?)

-Like a jelly substance often used to style your hair.

-Gel.

-Can you spell?

-I'm trying to think!

-Gel.

-G-E-L.

-Yes. Yes.

-E, JP.

-I'm trying it.

-E, mate.

-I can't really stretch my legs out for it.

-Do an E!

That one forward. Put that leg out.

Do the G to finish it. Do the G, do the G!

Hold the E! I'll give you that one.

-BELL RINGS

-Time's up.

Go back to your desk. JP's team, everybody.

I can tell you that both teams get a gold star!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for Stick To The Point, where we ask

most serious of important questions of our time.

Like, "Hey, Iain, who does your hair?"

Well, it's 20 highly trained technicians

from Laboratoire Hairdo Ridiculous - because...

I'm worth it.

Anyway, I'm going to ask you guys some quickfire questions.

You have to answer them as fast as you can.

If you are not speedy, or repeat somebody else's answer,

you are out of the game

and have to set your finger on your lips in the shush position.

Shush.

A shiny gold star for the last team standing.

For this, I need my stick of pointiness.

Beat that, Harry Potter.

Yeah, I'm pretty magical. How did he do it?

You will never know, children of the television.

-OK, superpowers. Dan.

-Being able to fly.

-Percelle.

-Strength.

-Sam.

Growing carrots.

-Growing them?

-You look at them and they grow.

-Quickly?

-Like, in seconds.

-That is Alan Titchmarsh's superpower. Mitzi.

-Turning invisible.

-Ooh.

-JP.

-Being bossy.

Hm, OK. Susan.

Telling if milk is off in the fridge before opening the fridge.

I would pay good money to have that power. Dan.

Not being able to hear your mum moaning.

CROWD: Boo!

All right, mums, this isn't for you.

-Percelle.

-Reading minds.

-What am I thinking?

-That you're going to give me the point.

-I am.

And a gold star. Sam.

Moving stuff with your brain.

Moving stuff with your brain. Not your mind.

You get your brain out and you just go, "Ehhh."

-Yeah!

-Mitzi.

-X-ray vision.

-Dan.

Being able to read a book without actually reading it.

It just goes straight in.

Shush yourself because that's known as an audio book.

-All right. Being able to...

-Shush yourself!

-Percelle.

-Stretching...power. Super stretch.

-Oh, come on!

-Yes, yes.

-Stretch.

-That's just a human condition.

-Shush yourself.

-Sam.

-X-ray vision.

-Mitzi.

-He repeated!

-Oh, yes. Shush yourself.

We've had X-ray vision. Thank you, everyone, for keeping me in check.

-It's just JP versus the girls. JP.

-Laser eyes.

-Susan.

-Change the television channels by blinking.

-Ooh! JP.

-Every superpower.

-No, JP. Not every superpower.

I'll put you in shush position.

The points go to Mitzi's team for that one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, next one. Mythical creatures/monsters.

We'll start with Sam.

-Iain Stirling.

-I'll give you that.

I hope you mean mythical creature, mate.

-Mitzi.

-Loch Ness Monster.

-JP.

Susan.

CROWD: Ohh!

-Susan Calman.

-I'll remember his name. Erm...

LAUGHTER

-JP, you are shushed for that comment.

-Sorry!

-Yes. I'm a lady.

-Susan.

-The Kraken!

-Dan.

-The weird grandma of the Arctic.

Ohhh, who only comes out at night and steals asparagus.

-Percelle.

-Godzilla.

-Sam.

-Minotaur.

-Percelle.

-Cyclops.

-Sam.

-Er...

-No.

Shush yourself.

-Susan.

-Bigfoot.

-Dan.

-The strange cousin of Egypt.

Who comes out and steals your carrots.

We've got one more.

Only because I'm enjoying them you are not in shush position right now.

-Mitzi.

-Leprechauns.

-Dan.

-The bizarre... I'm out. I'm out.

Shush yourself! Points go to Mitzi's team.

And at the end of that round, the winners

and get another gold star is Mitzi's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-BOOMING VOICE:

-School dinners!

Oh, no. It's Mrs Mash, the dinner lady.

My, my, there's a lot of

rumbly tummies out here, especially yours, Stirling.

What a racket. Still, it's better than the noises you usually

make out of your, um...your mouth.

SHE LAUGHS

Anyway, don't panic, everybody, there is

plenty of food for everybody.

But here, Iain, I've made you a special wee treat. Look at that.

Corned beef fricassee, that is. That is organic.

It took me all day to cut the corns off my feet.

And look, I've even got a wee bit of leftover tripe jelly

there for the dog.

Look at that. Isn't that wobbly?

I'll tell you what,

I'm not going to eat that that I know someone who will eat it.

Mr Smash!

HE SNIFFS Oh, here he comes.

Here he comes. Oh, where's the... Oh. Oh, no.

HE BARKS

-AUDIENCE:

-Ewww!

Right, you, back in the kitchen! Back in the kitchen!

Mr Smash and Mrs Mash.

Now we come to the part of the show where I bring out my inner thespian.

Yes, it's everyone's favourite part -

Who Do You Think I Am?

-Oh, Iain!

-THEY GROAN

Guys, you are all too kind.

OK, using just the mystery of performance, I'm going

to sink into my prop box and re-emerge as a famous character.

You get to tell me - who do you think I am?

Let's do this already! Come on!

OK, JP's team. You're pretty lucky. You get to see the miracle first.

Got some props I've got to get on.

LAUGHTER

I'm not going to do without props and it'd look stupid.

-Are you some sort of bird?

-I've got a thumb, mate.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see that.

-Have you ever seen a bird with a thumb, mate?

-No.

-I'm the one who is ridiculous.

-Yeah!

Can I act now?

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-'I am an English woman.

'Born over 500 years ago.

'It is believed I had six fingers on one hand.

'No-one knows if it's true, but I'll say this to you, Sam.

'If you asked me to play the guitar, I can shred some mean solos.'

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS

-I take it you can't play the guitar.

-'Listen to me.'

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS

'In your face. Who am I?'

'Who am I?'

You're a really cranky old grandmother who can play the guitar.

-A cranky old grandmother?

-Yeah.

-I've got a sixth finger, mate.

It's got to make you a bit cranky.

'Let's do clue number two.'

OK.

'For a brief period...' So high.

You got to bring it lower. Pretend to be an English gentleman

but just make it a little bit ladylike.

-I've got you. I've nailed it.

-OK.

-I've got it.

Here you go. I've got it.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-'For a brief period...'

-Oh!

-Stop laughing at me!

'For a brief period in the 1530s, I was Queen of England.

'In chess, the Queen can put the King into checkmate.

'But in real life, the King can chop off the Queen's head,

'which is what he had done.

'He chopped my head clean off.

'Who am I?'

-What were you sentence for to be executed?

-'Ooh.

'Because my husband was awfully cranky in the mornings.'

Clue three, before you thought it could get any weirder.

-I like the new do.

-Oh, it's Basket Face.

-Basket Face?!

-Clearly.

-Oh, that popular 1530s woman, Basket Face.

-Yeah.

'After my cheeky husband had my head chopped off,

'he went on to marry four other women.

'Normally women stay away from men who go on chopping people's heads

'off, but he was the King of England so you've got to make an exception.'

-SINGS:

-# Who am I? My head is in a basket. #

I'm trying to think but I don't know...

'Think fast, I got a basket on my head.' It's heavier than it looks.

-Is it Anne Boleyn?

-I'm Anne Boleyn!

I am Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII

and mother of Queen Elizabeth I.

Give it up for JP's team, everybody!

APPLAUSE

Right. Mitzi, you've just seen some pretty powerful acting.

-Have you started yet?

-No.

-Can you give me a signal as when you started?

-You'll know. Ready?

Is it now?

Whoa.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-'I am an American man.'

Oh, dear. If any Americans are watching, this is how you talk.

'I'm an American man who some people thought was a little strange. Me?

'Strange? Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-'I don't be thinking so. Who am I?'

-Wow.

-'Yee-haw!'

Do you have any ideas, Mitzi, who this could be?

Well, no, because it's not very good acting, so...

AUDIENCE: Ohhh.

'You've been looking at me funny all day.

'Stop being scared. Enjoy yourself.

'Live your life!'

-I don't know. Are you George W Bush?

-'George W Bush?

'I said I was strange.

'Would a president of the United States be strange?

'I don't think so.'

-OK.

-'Here we go. Clue number two. OK.

'Some people know me as the father of the detective story.

'Some people know me as a man created with defining

'modern short stories and as a poet.

'Others know me simply as that strange guy.'

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Wow.

-'Who am I, Percelle?'

-What year was you born in?

'I was born in the past.'

LAUGHTER

-That kind of defeats the question.

-'You know, back in the day.'

With the hair and the trousers, you look kind of like Prince.

Or Mick Jagger! You look quite like Mick Jagger.

-Yeah. Mitzi, have you got any ideas to who this is?

-Well, no.

Stop looking so scared all the time!

No, it's not that you're bad at acting, it's... I just don't know.

Do you know what, Mitzi, you're one of the nicest people in the world.

It is because the acting is bad but let's move on.

'Third clue, and Mitzi, since you are such a nice little lady

'just then, I'm going to give you a gold star as well. OK.

'Here we go. I'm going to get my third clue on, yep!'

-I know him.

-Stop laughing.

You look like Harry Potter with a bat on his face.

-Harry Potter with the bat on his face?

-Yeah!

What's your favourite Harry Potter novel?

Probably Harry Potter And The Bat On His Face.

'I would like to deliver my next clue

'in the form of a very short poem.

'My most famous point is about a raven

'and my top lip is completely unshaven.

'That's not strange!'

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

'Who am I?'

-Is it Edgar Allan Poe?

-I'm Edgar Allan Poe!

'I'm Edgar Allan Poe - American author, poet,

-'editor and cricket.' Cricket?!

-Critic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'But I'm best known for my scary and mysterious tales.'

Well done, Mitzi's team, you get a gold star!

Our next game is in a world of its own.

It's Globe Hoppers.

Globe Hoppers.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

He bounced pretty high.

Poor Smash there, he gets lost putting his socks on in the morning.

OK, so here is how this game works.

-Very simple.

-School disco!

School disco!

# I'm gonna see ya

# I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya

# One way or another

# I'm gonna win ya

# I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya... #

Very simple. What happens is I'll ask a series of questions

and the name of a country as their answer.

But you don't just shout out the answers,

that would be ridiculous,

what happens is each team will have a globe hopper

who bounces around the world and brings me back the answer.

Sam and Percelle, you will be the globe hoppers for your teams.

Now, bring me the world-ah!

So, what's going to happen is we are going to take off.

Let's go round the world in 80 bounces.

Three, two, one, hop it, guys!

Hop it!

Get bouncing round that globe.

Your first question.

Where is the Taj Mahal?

India! Yes, yes, Percelle!

Bring it back.

It's in India, correct.

Hop off, away!

Mona Lisa lives in this country.

France, France, France!

It's there! It's there, Percelle! It's there!

Oh, no!

It's up high.

Oh, stop knocking them all!

OK. Getting off.

CHEERING

France.

-Paddington Bear comes from this country.

-Peru, Peru!

As well as your Amazon River.

-To the left!

-Right beside it!

Turn it! Turn it!

Peru, correct.

Godzilla originally came from this country.

Japan, Japan, Japan!

Japan, correct.

Three, two, one, hop it!

The country I'm looking for has plenty of ice on its land.

Straight to the top. Top!

Oh!

You got it. Bring it over.

Come on, Sam.

Iceland.

Well done.

What are you two doing?!

You're meant to be sworn enemies, not hugging each other.

It's weird!

Three, two, one, hop it!

Come on, Sam.

This place is famous for having a painted house,

a painted white house.

USA!

Ooh. Percelle is getting...

Oh, and USA! Correct.

BELL RINGS

Time's up!

Time's up.

Percelle.

Sam. Let's find out who's navigating the globe like a migrating goose

and who's lost and confused like a penguin at a bus stop.

I can tell you the winner of that round is JP.

Well done, JP's team!

Well done, Sam. Let's go back. Come on!

Now it's time to salute our heroes

and say goodbye to our big fat zeros.

Mr Smash is standing by with his attitude correction facility.

HE GRUNTS

He really has some anger issues he needs to look at.

OK, it's time to find out which team are swotty and which team are...

-ALL:

-Naughty!

Oooh.

I can tell you the winners this week are Mitzi's team!

No!

Well done.

That means the losers are JP's team.

Now, JP, Sam and Dan, you've got yourself detention with Mr Smash,

so please hand your homework over to the dog to have a little snack on.

And now, lads, take the walk of shame.

Off you go.

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

-# ALL:

-Losers.

-#

Well done to the winners, Mitzi's team.

Mitzi, Susan and Percelle!

Get up and hand me your homework!

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

# We are the winners

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la,

# We are the winners. #

OK, let's have the losers back for detention with Mr Smash!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la,

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers

-#

-Losers.

-#

Looking good, lads.

-MORRIS DANCING MUSIC PLAYS

-Little bit of morris dancing

with Mr Smash there.

Boy, am I glad I'm not a loser.

OK, well, we didn't learn much but it sure was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya!

DOG BURPS

MUSIC PLAYS

ALL CLAP