Episode 8 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

Oh, hello!

-Hello, are you all well?

-CROWD CHEERS

Yes. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school.

Now, I'm going to be pretty controversial here. I like school.

Think it's good. There, I said it.

There's elements of school that can be 100% bad.

100% bad like Brussels sprouts

or your dad wearing tiny Speedo shorts on holiday.

Especially when he combines them with sandals and a bum bag.

That is not a good look.

That 100% bad thing is exams. I hate exams.

There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning

knowing you've got an exam that day.

You get in bed and you're just thinking of any excuse

to not have to go to school that day.

You just go, "Mum, I can't go to school today...I've got...

"I've got a bad limp. I don't think I'll be able to make it in."

One time, instead of thinking of the stuff I'd actually learned

all I had in my head was the Wimbledon theme tune.

-WIMBLEDON THEME PLAYS

-Well, I mean its a good theme tune

but it's no use to me when I'm trying to find out

the square root of 196.

TENNIS BALLS ARE HIT TO AND FRO

Forget it. I don't know where that music came from.

It's so easy to get distracted in exams.

Once during a Geography exam I spent the whole hour

imagining what it would be like if instead of crying,

babies just barked like a dog.

Which is a funny thing to think of but it's not good in an exam.

You answer the questions wrong.

It's not my fault the question was misleading.

They asked me, "How do you stop getting dangerous gases in mines?"

And I wrote, "Stop giving the miners baked beans."

Right, let's get on with this thing.

So could we have the school bell, please?

YODELLING

I'm going to have to get that fixed. Right, let's meet the teams.

APPLAUSE

OK. On my left is someone who has very high standards at school.

She never copies off people who can't spell.

Please give it up for Louisa, everybody.

And in Louisa's team -

his report card says he has many talents,

one of which is playing the drums,

I know he can because he keeps on banging on about it -

it's James Acaster.

Hello.

And over there - he got fed up of being a teacher

so he wanted another job that lets you stand around

talking to yourself all day, he became a comedian -

it's Romesh Ranganathan.

Give it up for Louisa's team, everybody.

APPLAUSE

And on my right is a boy who sold his art homework

to the Museum of Modern Art for 100 billion dollars -

-it's Gabriel.

-Whoo!

-APPLAUSE

And on Gabriel's team - her dancing dog, Pudsey,

won Britain's Got Talent and is now working on a movie....

but I bet he still drinks out the toilet though -

it's Ashleigh Butler.

APPLAUSE

And from Radio One - there's nothing he likes better

than interviewing famous celebrities...

He can do that another day - it's Chris Stark.

Please give it up for both the teams!

OK, listen up. Here's how this thing works.

For every game you win, I'll bestow upon you a gold star.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Yes. And if you're really good, I'll bestow upon you a bonus gold star.

AUDIENCE OOHS

But if you're bad, I will un-bestow it.

Un-bestow is a word that I've just invented.

-Get rid of it, get rid of the stars.

-AUDIENCE AHHS

That's right, people, you know how this thing works.

-It's Iain's School, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

Yes, they're my rules but I don't let it go to my head.

The team with the most gold stars at the end of the show

get to hand in their homework. But watch out, the losers,

your homework goes straight into Big Dog's dinner dish

and you'll end up in detention with our delightful PE teacher Mr Smash.

GRUNTING

They share everything including fleas.

Right, enough shirking, let's get working.

PUDSEY WHIMPERS AND BARKS

Ah, Pudsey's got to go off and sign a book deal

but he'll be back in a bit.

-Let's say goodbye to Pudsey.

-AUDIENCE:

-Goodbye!

We can't afford him for any longer than ten minutes.

This is the round where we get lots of letters - it's Body Language.

I'm going to ask you questions which all have three letter answers. Easy.

But to make you really think on your feet

you'll be spelling those words using your bodies.

First up is Gabriel's team so bring on the Letter Box!

-And, Gabriel, I like your hair, mate.

-Thank you.

Yeah, it's a bit too good but I'm going to get over it.

OK. Your time starts now.

Something you'd use on the way to the Sat Nav shop.

Um...GPS.

-That's what you'd buy there.

-Car.

Think old school, old school GPS.

-Map!

-Map!

-Map!

-Map!

A ghost's catchphrase.

-Boo.

-Boo.

-Boo.

-Oh, how is this going to work?

Wahhh!

-Ahh!

-What are you doing?!

-I'm doing an O.

I said do a letter not scream the words.

-I can't give you that, I'm really sorry.

-What?!

-Oh, come on.

-The...

-AUDIENCE AHHS

-Oh, look at the state of it.

-This was a B.

-Hip's musical best friend.

-Hop.

-What?

-Hop.

-What?

-What?

-Hop?

-What am I doing?!

-Hop, hop, hop.

-Yes!

-Hop. How do you do an H?

-Pirate without the rat.

-Pie.

-What?

-Oh, oh, it's a creeper.

-Pie.

-Poirot.

-Pie.

-Pie.

-Oh.

-Pie, pie.

The ten-year-old got it the quickest, guys.

That's worrying.

Stop...would you stop dancing? There you are, look at that.

APPLAUSE BELL RINGS

Oh, time's up, time's up!

Well done, everyone. Give it up for Gabriel's team.

Please take a seat by your desk.

And make your way up, guys. Up you come.

Come on, Louisa's team, up you come.

Welcome, Louisa's team.

-James...

-Hello.

-You seem pretty confident.

Very confident, thank you, Iain. Yes.

Do you do lot of letters with your bodies in general day life?

It's one of my hobbies. I've been doing it since I was seven.

-Any particular specialities?

-I.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Doing it right now?

-Yeah.

-Ron?

-This door is not... I mean, it's a joke.

Like, I'm already... I can't do anything. This is the only...

I mean, if the letter is Romesh then I can do it

but I just don't feel comfortable.

Louisa, who do you think is going to be the best - James or Romesh?

You look like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place there.

She couldn't even look at me.

OK, let's do this. You've got until the bell rings.

And your time starts now.

If you take the pea out of peanut you have...

-Nut.

-Yes.

Oh, look at...

Oh, their confidence was not misplaced.

-Well done.

-APPLAUSE

Complete this rhyme -

My dad's too hairy and out of shape

He got lost at the zoo and now lives with an...

-Ape.

-Ape.

-Oh, James, straight in.

Well done, it's good.

The sound a pirate sheep would make.

-Baa.

-Baa...baa...baa.

-Bar.

-Bar.

-Bar?

-Barr.

-B...Bar?

-Arr!

-Arr?

-Barr!

-Bar?

Stop shouting it at me.

-What is it, is it R or A?!

-This is the whole point of the game!

-R, it's R.

-It's R?

-Yes, it's R.

-What are you meant to be?!

-I'm an A.

-Are you written in italics? What's happened?

-Excuse me.

James, you'll get a gold star, you've been the best so far.

-Thank you very much, Iain.

-No messing about, straight in.

I'll give you that, I'll give you that.

The letters above Mr Smash's head when he's sleeping.

-Oh, zzz.

-Zzz? How do you do...? What?!

-Zzz.

-What...?

-Oh, look at... Look at James' confidence crumble.

-Oh, he's back in!

-How's that, how's that? Is that working well?

Wait...wait...wait.

-Who's the wrong way round?

-Me. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Romesh.

-What?

-Am I the wrong way round?

-You used to be a teacher, mate.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What are you two doing? Just look at that and do it.

What is it? He looks like some...Egyptian.

How is that...? You're just... You're favouring him. I was...

I'm favouring him because he's doing the best.

Look at that, look at that, that is quality Z, mate.

It looks like a maths teacher that's regretting his life decisions.

That's what it looks like. I can't give you it. I can't give you...

What?! Are you joking?!

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, time's up.

Give it up for Louisa's team. Please go back to your desks.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

OK, time to reveal who won that game.

I can tell you - you've both done as well as each other.

-And you both get a gold star.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

Yes! Guys, I know you're excited, I know you're excited

and I think I know why.

It's time for the best thing to happen to television, it is time

-for Who Do You Think I Am.

-AUDIENCE SIGHS

Here comes the best part of the show.

Yes. Stand by, guys.

I'm about to use my impossible, brilliant acting talent

to bring to life famous people from history.

All you have to do is guess - who am I?

Let's do this already, please.

Louisa, you're up first.

You look justifiably happy about the whole situation.

-No.

-Oh, dear.

-No in capitals.

Thank you. It's rubbish, mate.

She toned that down from what she said earlier about you.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Oh, OK. Time for clue number one.

This is the BBC, we don't mess about.

Oh, don't put yourself through this.

What? I don't see what you're...

-Mrs Stirling.

-OK. I'm going to get into character, here we go.

-IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT:

-Bonjour!

I am a French-Polish science lady.

Who am I? Who am I?

-I mean...

-Je suis... Who am I? Ou est le piscine?

Why are you asking where the swimming pool is?

Why would you want to know where the swimming pool is dressed like that?

Because French people... We are always interested where things are.

Ou est le bibliotheque? Ou est le piscine?

Oh, my books are all wet.

So why are you wearing that if you're a science lady?

I don't know. Je suis une French lady.

You can't say, "Je suis une French lady."

You're speaking to... That's not how French people speak.

They don't go...

-Je ne comprand what you're saying to me.

-Comprand?! Comprand?!

-Clue number...d...douze.

-You don't even...

-12?

-Clue number d...d...

-Deux!

-Deux!

-Deux.

-Deux!

-Deux.

-Get it right.

Thank you, I am very forgetful.

I've got my prop.

-It makes no sense without the prop.

-Oh, this helps.

I did lots and lots of physics and chemistry.

I got given tonnes of prizes. Who...

-I don't know what you're doing.

-Who am I?

-James, what is this?

-That is...

-SHAKES THE BELL WITH NO RINGER

-It's a Nobel Prize.

AUDIENCE SIGHS

Oh, yeah, you're not laughing at the actual joke, are you?

Nobel Prize.

-QUIETLY:

-Who am I?

Based...based purely on the accent, I think you might be my mum.

Oh, Romesh, so nice to have you home again in France.

Based on your wandering accent you are everybody's mum.

You're just doing everyone's voice in the world.

-OK, clue number...

-Trois! Trois!

Thank you. OK. For this I need the lights down.

-Get the lights down.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

Ooh, yeah, easily pleased.

OK, put 'em back up so you can see my acting again.

-Down, please.

-Don't you dare... If you put the lights down...

Turn the lights down.

If you put the lights down when I start acting,

you're in a lot of trouble.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Get 'em back up!

-IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT:

-I did lots of science things

with my husband and I kept discovering things.

Like, "Oh, look, Pierre!

"Look what I have discovered, I've discovered a new element

"I'm going to call it polonium."

-I probably shouldn't be holding polonium.

-Can I do it?

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Who am I?

Do you have any ideas who he might be?

Er...was it...I can't remember...

I can't exactly remember a name but it just rings a bell.

-It rings a bell?

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-APPLAUSE

-Good joke.

A gold star for the unintentional pun. Well done.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

-Are you...are you Marie Curie?

-Yeah.

Je suis Marie Curie!

I was Marie Curie who, in 1903, was the first woman to receive

a Nobel Prize in physics.

She was so clever she got another one for chemistry.

So, Gabriel's team, ready for this?

My first clue... If I can find it.

Here...it's here, I'm glad I've got it.

Just going to bang this on.

'Schoooool disco!'

School disco!

MUSIC: Dibby Dibby Sound by DJ Fresh vs Jay Fay

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

Get into character

Hubbly-be-bluh-bluh-badda-ba. OK.

-IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I'm a Scottish man.

I'm a Scottish man born in Edinburgh in 1850,

I don't mind telling ye.

I'm also a celebrated writer.

Could I just ask a question?

Did they have totally different Scottish accents in 1850?

I'm glad you asked that, Gabriel.

Yes, we did, actually, we were developing it.

In 1850 it hadnae come to the proper...

Also, a little issue they had in 1850,

your moustache couldnae stick on your face.

It actually looks like you've got like an animal tail on your face.

-Yeah, is it definitely a moustache that we're looking at there?

-Yeah.

It smells like it might've belonged to an animal in the past.

Who am I?

-Moustache guy.

-Moustache guy?!

-Moustache guy.

Where at school have you learned about the famous moustache guy?!

What school do you go to?!

The Facial Hair Primary School for Nincompoops?

-Well, in fact, I actually like facial hair.

-You like facial hair?

-You don't want that one.

-You can try...

Oh, no, you don't want that moustache.

-You can have wee go as well.

-Wow.

-Let's all get in.

Look at that, we can share the moustache.

It does smell weird, doesn't it?

-It does, it smells like a rat's bottom.

-Eurgh.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK, time for clue number two. Here we go.

What?!

-Aye, aye, don't question the acting Chris Stark from Radio One.

-Yeah.

So! I decided to tell my children of a tale of pirates,

treasure and long johns.

I followed that up with another one - a classic tale about a doctor

with a split personality.

He should probably see himself about that.

-Did you get...? Yes!

-That was quite good.

Now we're cooking with gas.

-Who am I?

-What do we think?

I'm a writer, I'm from Scotland and I wrote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

-Go. I don't know.

-Neither do I.

-No, neither do I so we need to guess.

-Can we ask the audience?

-Oh, that is a good point.

-Any help?

-There is no rule against that.

-Three, two, one you can shout out. Three, two, one.

-Great result.

AUDIENCE: Robert Louis Stevenson.

-That's the answer.

-Yay, that's it.

-He said it.

-Say it back.

-I heard Stevenson.

-Robert...

-I heard...

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS ANSWER

-No, no, no! They've had their hand.

-Robert L Stevenson.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Who?

-Robert...

-Robert.

-Yeah.

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS ANSWER

-Louis...

-No! Yeah.

..Stevenson.

-I'm Robert Louis Stevenson!

-APPLAUSE

Well done, Gabriel's team.

I am Robert Louis Stevenson, known for writing Treasure Island

and The Strange Case Of Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde.

Well done. Because of my amazing acting, both teams get a gold star.

This game moves faster than a hamster on a motorised wheel.

It's Sprint Finish. Here's how it works.

One of you will act out different sporty things

and your team have to guess what it is you're acting out.

Louisa, you're up first so please put yourself on the Sports Spot.

'The Sports Spot!'

OK, Louisa. Your time starts now. Go!

-Football.

-What is she doing more precisely?

-Kicking.

-Drib...

-Drib...?

-Dribbling?

-Dribbling, yes!

-APPLAUSE

-LOUISA LAUGHS

-Motorbike.

-Make the noises.

-Tell you what...

-Jet ski.

-I'll be the...

-You're attached to me, ready?

-OK.

-Vrrooom.

-Water skiing.

Yes!

-Golf.

-Cricket. Baseball.

-Oh.

-Croquet.

-Teeing off.

What is it? It is golf but what is she...

-Putting...

-What is the equipment?

-Hole in one.

-What's she putting in the ground?

-A golf tee.

-Yes!

Come on.

-Jogging. Running. Sweating.

-Marathon running.

-Yes!

I'm surprised it wasn't sweating.

Oh, this is a good one.

-Praying. Yoga.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

-Well done, Louisa, take a seat.

-Louisa, you're brilliant!

Well done.

-How old are you?

-Nine.

-How do you know what yoga is?

-I just do.

-Oh, like, everyone knows what yoga is, grandad.

Well, after that round, I feel like a bicycle from the Tour de France.

Two-tyred.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Sarcastic but I'll take it.

OK, Gabriel, it is now your turn so make your way to the Sports Spot.

'The Sports Spot!'

OK. Gabriel, your time starts when the first one comes over.

You've got until the bell rings. Three, two, one, go!

-Football.

-Whistle.

-Whistle. Goalkeeper.

-Referee.

-Referee.

-Penalty. Free kick.

-Um...um.

-What's the referee doing?

-Sending someone off.

-Oh-oh. I don't know anything about football.

-Red card.

-Red card.

-Yes, red card!

-Yes.

-Sailing.

-Surfing.

-Surfing. Roller skating.

-It's specifically something.

-Um...

-What object is he on?

-A board.

-What type of board?

-Snowboard.

-Waterboard.

-A waterboard?!

-Yeah.

-A waterboard.

-ASHLEIGH SHOUTS

-It's a board and it's on water, what is it?

-A waterboard.

Stop saying waterboard.

-A surfboard.

-Yes!

-Well done.

You're...waltzing.

-You're...doing The Birdie Dance.

-The Birdie Dance.

-Cycling. Round.

-You're washing a car. You're...

-He's doing it sort of...

Winding down the windows.

-Golfing.

-Oh, look at that.

-Oh!

-You're rowing.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-Tennis.

-Serve.

-It's a...

-Serving.

-Ace.

-Hitting it.

-Badminton. Squash.

-Badminton!

-Skipping.

-No, what is he skipping with?

-Jump roping.

-No.

-Jumping. Rope. Pointing.

-It's the object.

-What?

It's the object.

-A skipping rope.

-Yes!

-Oh, my God, Ashleigh.

-BELL RINGS

Take a seat, Gabriel.

-That was so fun.

-Well done, Gabriel.

OK, and at the final whistle, I can reveal that it is a draw.

-You both get gold stars.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

It's time now for a round that's complete and utter rubbish.

It's Bin Busters.

'Bin Busters.'

Yeah, the cleaners have gone on strike

so we've had to clean up ourselves.

Luckily, we have two teams who know the meaning of the word rubbish.

One panellist from each team will race to put as much rubbish

as they can into the recycling bins using a vacuum cleaner

strapped onto their back.

Louisa...who are you going to choose to wear the 'bacuum' cleaner?

-Romesh.

-Rom?

Have you just picked Romesh cos it sounds like rubbish?

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-That's what's happened here.

-Gabriel, who are you going to go with?

-Ashleigh.

-Good man.

There you go. Well, in that case, Romesh, Ashleigh,

please make your way up here, get your 'bacuum' cleaners.

Let's do this.

-OK. Are you ready to go, guys?

-Yes, Iain.

-Then in three, two, one - GO!

-CHEERING

Go on, Romesh!

Oh, it's double whammy. It's a double...

Romesh is behind. You're behind, Rom.

Oh, no!

-Get Ashleigh.

-ASHLEIGH SHRIEKS

-Get some Ranganathan.

-Go on, Ashleigh. Yes!

Oh, not that many!

Rom, Ashleigh's cheating.

Ashleigh has used foul play of the highest order.

-JAMES CHANTS:

-Romesh Ranganathan.

Oh, no. Oh, dear.

ASHLEIGH SHRIEKS

-Go on, Rom.

-Go on, Rom, this is your chance to shine.

Go on, Ashleigh.

Squish that can. Squish that can.

Oh, no, no, you can't.

Go on, Ashleigh. No, no, no, no!

Only one. Oh, she keeps throwing out two, Rom.

-BELL RINGS

-Time's up, time's up.

CHEERING AND BOOING

-Make your way to your recycle bins.

-ROMESH WHEEZES HEAVILY

-ASHLEIGH:

-I'm still hoovering.

-Oh, dear.

-Romesh.

-ROMESH PANTS

Romesh.

It's OK, they can't get you now, it's OK.

OK.

OK, in through the nose and out through the mouth.

OK, there we go.

Romesh, you managed... one, two, three, four, five, six.

-OK, six.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.

Ashleigh, stand here.

You managed one, two, three, four, five, six!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's a tie, both teams get a gold star.

-You!

-Round the back.

Oh, it's tense. Oh, it's tense.

We're about to find out who's standing high

like a beer can on a ladder

and who's sinking like an overweight haddock.

Anyway, it's time to find out which team are swotty

-and which team are...

-AUDIENCE:

-Naughty!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooooooooooh!

The winners are...

Louisa's teeeeeeeeeam!

That means the losers are Gabriel's team.

Oh, dear, what have you done to deserve this?

Detention with the scariest teacher this side of Matilda.

-Smashy, take them on their walk of shame.

-Oh, no.

MR SMASH GRUNTS AND GROWLS # La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la losers. #

Well done to the winners.

Please give it up for Louisa, James and Romesh.

Louisa, hand in your homework.

Louisa, bring it here.

# La-la-la la-la-la-la You are the winners... #

-Thank you very much.

-# ..la-la-la la-la-la-la

# You are the winners. #

OK, let's have the losers back.

Gabriel, Ashleigh and Chris back for detention with Mr Smash!

MR SMASH GRUNTS AND GROWLS # La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers La-la-la-la-la-la-la losers

# La-la Losers. #

-MR SMASH GRUNTS AND GROWLS

-Look at that.

It's like a Mr Smash family reunion.

All your hard work was wasted.

Your homework is about to become a high calorie meal for the dog.

Bring on our hungry dog!

Hand your homework over. Hand the homework over.

Well, we didn't learn much but it was sure fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya.

DOG BURPS