Episode 9 The Dog Ate My Homework

SCHOOL BELL RINGS THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Oh, hi. It was out of tune, it was out of tune.

-Hello, everyone. Hello.

-CHEERING

Hello, welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school. I'm Iain Stirling.

One of my favourite aspects of school was the school disco.

I liked it.

Well, I say I like it, there's a few issues.

The music's always so loud that you've got to...

-SHOUTING:

-..shout at the next person very loudly so they can hear you!

There's also that weird thing that every girl in every photo

that has ever been taken of her at a school disco always does

this weird pose where she goes...

"Oh, yeah. I look so good."

You look like you've broken your leg, it's weird.

And also in school discos there's always a weird divide, isn't there?

Because the girls are always stood over here

and the boys are always stood way over here.

And you just have a dance floor in the middle.

One time, my mate John, right, he went over enemy lines.

He went to see the girls. I know, scary time.

The weird thing is, you can't just walk over a dance floor, can you?

That's odd. So instead he's got to do this weird, like, walk-dance.

LAUGHTER

"Hey, ladies. Where are you going?" It's awful.

I mean, I'm not the best dancer in the world.

I'm getting dad dancing now.

I've got one of two options, I either dance not enough or too much.

I've basically got the stand-still dancing. It's that one.

Or if a song that I like comes on, I just go...

-HE SCREAMS

-Nothing in between.

Now that you've all seen my dancing, let's get on with it.

-Let's hear the school bell...

-BELCHING

LAUGHTER

That needs fixed. All right, let's meet the teams, come on.

APPLAUSE

On my left, we have a girl that can always be found

in the school library, that's why she's rubbish at hide-and-seek.

Yes, it's Amirah, everybody.

APPLAUSE

And on Amirah's team is a woman who learned to play the guitar at three.

She's been playing for an hour now, so she's getting pretty good.

-It's Pippa Evans.

-Here.

-APPLAUSE

And we're also joined by a comedian who used to live in Wales.

That's the country, not the big fish.

Although whales are technically a mammal.

-It's Lloyd Langford.

-APPLAUSE

Give it up for Amirah's team, everybody.

APPLAUSE

And getting on my right side is a girl who

runs to school every morning.

-That's because she's missed her bus. It's Holly.

-Here.

APPLAUSE

On Holly's team, he shot to fame in Britain's Got Talent,

he's about to graduate to big school with David Walliams,

but only if he gets his homework done. It's Jack Carroll.

APPLAUSE

And joining them is a man who stars in Wolfblood

but he's on this show no-o-w-w!

-LAUGHTER

-It's Bobby Lockwood.

-APPLAUSE

-Here.

Please give it up for today's teams, everybody.

APPLAUSE

So, how does it work? Well, it's easy.

I throw lots of crazy games at you

and hand out sparkling gold stars for every winner.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yes.

If you really amaze me, I will give you a bonus, for I am a keeper

of the gold star, but don't annoy me because I might just take some away.

Get away.

-Just like that.

-LAUGHTER

-And remember, it's Iain's school so it's...

-AUDIENCE: Iain's rules.

But what about the losers?

Well, our Dog Ate My Homework dog will be devouring

all their homework and they'll also suffer a fate worse than death.

Detention with our scary PE teacher.

He's big, he's bald, he's built like Cumbernauld, it's Mr Smash.

APPLAUSE HE GROWLS

GIGGLING

OK, let's get on with the show.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for me to unleash my major talent.

Yes, it's time for everyone's favourite round,

it's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

-Not again!

-No.

I love how excited everyone is.

Some actors reach for greatness, some are just great.

LAUGHTER

I will now step into the transformation zone

and the man you once knew will vanish.

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

-OK, Amirah, are you a fan of acting?

-Yes.

-Favourite actor?

-Er...

-You?

-Gold star to Amirah's team, well done.

-Yes!

-Just get my costume on.

-Are you a tennis racket?

LAUGHTER

It IS historical.

TENNIS BALL THWACKS

LAUGHTER

OK, erm... There we go.

-Just got to get into character, give me a second.

-OK.

-Here we go.

-No laughing, because it's actually quite serious now.

-COMICAL VOICE:

-I am an Egyptian man.

When I was a teenager, I died a horrible death.

No-one knows quite who killed me.

I think it was Professor Plum in the library with the lead piping.

Who am I?

-SIMILAR COMICAL VOICE:

-Antony Worrall Thompson?

What accent was that?

That was my Egyptian accent.

-COMICAL VOICE:

-I do Egyptian, you don't do Egyptian.

-I was trying to copy your Egyptian.

-Oh, you be quiet, please.

-Yes, sorry, Iain.

-Right, I'm going to give you a second clue.

I'm going to give you a second clue. Here we go, OK.

Just get a few more of the old props on.

I don't know any celebrities that cook in toilets, I don't get it.

Oh, yeah! Flipping burgers... Oh, poo-poo.

Hey, have a burger. Nom-nom nom-nom.

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Oh, dear.

-You really don't want to get those two mixed up.

-Imagine that.

Cleaning the poo, get the... Oh, no!

Anybody want a burger?

That's why you should all eat salad. OK.

Much like Madonna, I was only known by one name.

I was preserved for over 3,000 years so that my remains can still be seen

today, which is why I still look great for my age. Who am I?

Cleopatra?

# Comin' atcha, comin' atcha. #

OK, final clue. OK.

-Have some coins.

-THEY SCREAM

They were harder than I was expecting. Have some coins.

Hey, people. Have just one coin for health and safety reasons.

Here we go.

Though I was made of skin and bone and all that boring stuff,

I acted like I was made of gold.

And when I was buried in my tomb, I was buried with all my treasures.

Because you know my famous phrase, join in,

"Why not get buried in a massive tomb full of treasures?"

Am I right, guys?

LAUGHTER

-Who am I?

-Are you Tutankhamun?

-I'm only Tutankhamun.

-Yeah!

-Well done, high five.

Tutankhamun was the Egyptian pharaoh made famous by Howard Carter

when he discovered my tomb with all my bling.

OK, well done. Amirah's team got that right.

APPLAUSE

OK, Holly's team, it's time for your first character. Here we go.

Just get my costume on, don't want to look stupid.

Time to get into character, here we go.

-STRONG SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I'm a Scottish lady.

I'm a Scottish lady with a very strong...

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-..with a very strong French accent.

A French "acc-son", which I think you'll find is historically correct.

A French accent, so I say, "Oui, oui," a lot,

which sometimes means, "Yes, yes,"

but it can also mean, "Ooh, la-la, I've got this

"wee-wee hat on, it looks great on my wee-wee head, non?"

Who am I?

-Rupert Grint.

-Rupert Grint?!

-Yeah.

-The Scottish lady with a French accent, Rupert Grint?

-Yeah.

OK, it's time for a clue number two. Here we go. Clue number two.

I returned to my home country, naming no names...

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES BADLY

-Oh.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

I was hoping it was going to be a... really good, you know, bagpipe solo.

LAUGHTER

Get involved!

LAUGHTER Whoo-hoo!

Sometimes this music gives me earache

but not as bad as the earache I got from my cousin, Queen Elizabeth I,

banging on about how she wanted me out of the picture.

I couldn't be more confused at the moment.

-Maybe Elizabeth, like, hated her.

-Yes, she hated her.

And didn't she, like, behead her or something?

I'll give you a final clue, I'll give you a final clue.

Here we go, back into character.

Here we go, final clue.

And then all of a sudden, the Queen thinks I'm plotting

to get rid of her.

As if I'd try to get rid of my own cousin!

Yeah, I did this in history.

Hashtag treason.

LAUGHTER

-Is it Mary something?

-Queen of...

Queen of where?

-Queen Mary of Scotland.

-I have no idea.

-Mary Queen of Scots.

-Jack is correct.

APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

-High-five.

Yes, I was Mary Queen of Scots, I had a claim to the English throne

but my cousin, Elizabeth I of England, got jealous

and chopped my head off. So, at the end of that round you've both

done very well, you've both got the correct answer, so you both

get a gold star, well done.

APPLAUSE

Well, if you thought things couldn't get any weirder,

it is time now for Weird Science.

I'll show you some scientific facts but with words blanked out,

all you have to do is fill in the missing words.

The team that I think does the best wins a gold star.

If you know the answer, use your buzzers. Our first question is...

Otters hold BLANK when they BLANK.

-What do otters hold when they BLANK?

-BELL DINGS

-Yes, Lloyd?

-Otters hold tribunals when they have a disagreement.

They make the office themselves out of wood.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Anyone else?

-HORN HONKS

-Bobby?

Otters hold each other when they dance. You can picture them.

-You know, like earlier, talking about school discos and that?

-Yeah.

I remember it being, like, girls, boys,

until the very last dance, when you'd go over and go,

"Can I have a dance, please?" And then you'd stand there and you'd...

LAUGHTER

Erm, Bobby?

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-Yes?

-Can I have a dance, please?

-GIGGLING:

-OK!

Come here.

-We'll give you some music.

-SHE SINGS

Is this how you dance? Oh, right, OK.

This is the strangest dance...

I was not prepared for that.

-A gold star for Bobby, everybody.

-APPLAUSE

-Anyone else? They do hold something.

-BILL DINGS

-Yes, Amirah?

-Otters hold fish when they get angry.

"Oh, you come into my dam, I'm furious!

"I'm going to slap you with my haddock."

That's my impression of an otter, everybody.

-HORN HONKS

-Yes, Jack?

Right, is it otters hold their gaze

when they have a staring competition?

LAUGHTER

This is... Oh!

Oh.

I don't even care if this isn't getting on telly, I am not blinking.

-You blinked!

-Oh!

He blinked and he tried to pass it off as a semi-blink, but I know,

because I was watching, because I had my eyes open, unlike you.

Oh, point for Jack there.

APPLAUSE

Right, I'll give you both a go each.

What do otters hold when they sleep?

Oh, this team?

They hold each other's hands.

-Lloyd Langford is correct.

-APPLAUSE

Otters hold hands when they sleep.

-That is cute.

-Next one.

BLANK BLANK can last up to 40 years.

BLANK BLANK can last up to 40 years.

-HORN HONKS

-Yes, Bobby?

40 birthdays can last up to 40 years.

-I see what you've tried to do there...

-Almost.

-..but a birthday is one day so that would be 40 days.

-But spread it...

You don't celebrate, you know, one after the other.

-Oh, so you celebrate your birthday over a year?!

-Yeah.

Every day is my birthday.

Oh, well, when you look as good as you, mate, who could argue?

BLANK BLANK lasts up to 40 years.

-HORN HONKS

-Yes?

-A boy band can last up to 40 years.

-Yeah.

I mean, you're still in the stage where you think boy bands

can last up to 40 years.

One Direction have got about three weeks left.

-BELL DINGS

-Yes?

-A mum's temper can last up to 40 years.

-Oh!

Oh, dear, that is true. My mum's still angry.

Right, OK, it's something to do with seasons.

A SOMETHING season can last 40 years.

BELL DINGS

Welsh winters?

Is that why your resting face is sort of slightly angry?

JACK LAUGHS

Do angry face.

Back to resting face.

They're exactly the same.

He's not got much range.

OK, the answer is Neptune's seasons can last up to 40 years.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Time's up, it's the end of the round.

APPLAUSE

The points go to Holly's team.

APPLAUSE

'It's time for... Smash-e-oke.'

All right, team? You can get yourself a bonus gold star

if you guess what Mr Smash is singing.

Mr Smash, take it away.

HE GRUNTS IN TUNE

BELL DINGS

HE CONTINUES GRUNTING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow, that was amazing.

It was powerful, Mr Smash, thank you very much.

Amirah's team, you're up first. What was he singing? What was he singing?

-Bob the Builder - Can We Fix It?

-Bob the Builder...

Oh, he's not happy about that. Er, Holly's team, what are you thinking?

-The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow.

-The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow.

HE GRUNTS

All right, well, let's see if either of you are right.

Mr Smash, let us hear what you were singing.

# The story of my life

# I take her home

# I drive all night

# To keep her warm And time

# Is frozen. #

Mr Smash, everyone.

Thank you very much, see you later, Smashy. See you later.

Yes, Mr Smash was singing Story Of My Life by One Direction.

Neither of you got it right, I'm afraid, so neither of you

get a gold star, but well done to Mr Smash, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time for the Memo-ray.

BOOMING VOICE: 'The Memo-ray.'

That is creepy. This is a round that is a memory test.

I've got a great memory.

I was talking to this old lady the other day, actually, er...

What's her name again? Curly hair, cooks...

Mum. Mum, that's her.

Anyway, this is a tricky round

because you don't answer the question that I'm asking you,

you answer the question that I asked the person before, right?

So, whoever gets the first question, you don't answer it.

-Do you understand?

-Yeah.

Holly's team, you guys are up first so make your way to the Memo-ray.

BOOMING VOICE: 'The Memo-ray.'

OK, so, Smashy, hit the lights.

BUZZING

OK, guys, here we go. Three, two, one, go!

What's another name for a thick piece of wood?

Correct.

Who is the princess in Star Wars?

-Leia.

-Incorrect.

-BUZZER DRONES

Who do you go to when you have teethache?

-Princess Leia.

-Correct.

What's the stuffed doll on top of a bonfire?

-Dentist.

-Correct.

If a woman's daughter had a baby, she becomes...?

-Guy Fawkes.

-Correct.

So who's got a big S on their chest and flies at the speed of sound?

-Grandmother.

-Correct.

Who serves your school dinners?

-Superman.

-Correct.

Finish this sentence - Doctor Who and the...?

-Dinner lady.

-Correct.

Who comes down the chimney with a present at Christmas?

-Dalek.

-Correct.

Who do you call to fix a broken sink?

-Santa.

-Correct.

Who leaves money under your pillow when all your teeth fall out?

-The plumber.

-Correct!

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-That's the end of the round.

APPLAUSE

Very good round, guys. Come and take a seat.

All right, guys. Well done, Holly's team.

Now, Amirah's team, please make your way to the Memo-ray.

BOOMING VOICE: 'The Memo-ray.'

-APPLAUSE

-On you go, on you go, on you go.

All right, Smashy, lights, please, mate.

OK, here we go. Three, two, one, go!

Who is the nursery rhyme character famous for sitting on a tuffet?

Correct.

Name the superhero who developed spiderlike superpowers

after being bitten by a spider.

-Little Miss Muffet.

-Correct.

What is someone who studies science called?

-Spider-Man.

-Correct.

What can walk through walls and mainly goes, "Wooo!"?

-Scientist.

-Correct.

What are fruits, vegetables and hamburgers all types of?

-Wee ghosties.

-Yes. Extra gold star for the Scottishness.

What is a kitten?

-Food.

-Correct.

What does superhero Bruce Banner turn into when he's angry?

Er...

-BUZZER

-Incorrect, he turns into a baby cat.

Complete the book title - The Lion, The Witch And The...?

-Incredible Hulk.

-Correct.

When you're desperate for the loo, where would you go?

-The wardrobe.

-You disgusting woman! Correct.

What wonderful, magic, faraway place is Harry Potter trying to get

to when he uses a flying car?

-Pass.

-It's the toilet.

What do teenage pigs worry about instead of spots?

Hogwarts.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS CHEERING

Time's up.

That was a memorable performance.

Amirah's team, please make your way back to the desks.

On you go. Well done, Amirah's team.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys, you both put in memorable performances.

You're welcome. But the point and the gold star in that round

goes to Holly's team.

APPLAUSE

'School... disco!'

School disco!

# I don't care

# I love it

# I don't care

# I love it I love it

# I don't care

# I love it... #

RECORD SUDDENLY STOPS

It's time now, for Bin Busters, the game where we recycle more

rubbish than you find in your dad's music collection.

One panellist from each team will race to pick up as much

rubbish as they can using a vacuum cleaner that's on their back.

You could call it a back-uum cleaner.

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS LAUGH

Thanks, guys.

Holly, who do you think handles the most garbage out of your group?

Definitely Bobby.

Amirah, who is the luckiest and the muckiest in your group?

-I think it would be Pippa.

-Yes.

-Yeah? Are you good with the old rubbish?

I love a rummage.

All right, cool. Well, I'll tell you what, guys.

Pippa, Bobby, get your back-uum cleaners on

and let's get up there. Come on!

APPLAUSE

OK, so, Bobby, you'll be collecting plastic bottles, mate.

-Thank you.

-And you'll put them in your little recycle bin over there.

Pippa, you'll be collecting cans

and placing your cans in the recycle bin over there.

Three, two, one, go!

CHEERING

Bobby's had an early lead.

Bobby's in an early lead. Pippa's going to have to up the pace.

Come on, Bobby. Pippa, you need to be quicker.

Come on! Oh!

Pippa tried to cheat, cheating is allowed.

Get him. Get... Oh, no, he's dropping it.

Oh, and Pippa's back in it. Pippa's back in it.

Oh, no! Bobby!

Go on, Pippa, you're smashing it.

AUDIENCE: Bobby, Bobby!

Come on!

There's not much time left now, guys. Come on.

Bobby's going to... Oh, it's going to be tight!

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, go over by your recycle bins.

Turn that off, I feel you could have my eye out.

Turn off your suckage.

-Are you off?

-I think so.

-Right, Pippa.

We took that way too seriously.

I know. You've got a back-uum cleaner on your back.

-Right, you put one in after the bell.

-I didn't even hear the bell.

-I was so full of rage.

-IAIN SCREAMS ANGRILY

It's the vacuum, it does something to your head.

OK, so let's find out how many everyone got.

-Bobby, how did you find it?

-Knackering, I'm tired.

-OK.

Bobby got one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

-APPLAUSE

-Ten for Bobby.

-Feeling confident?

-100% confident.

-All right, OK. That's good.

Here we go. One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine.

CHEERING

AUDIENCE: Bobby, Bobby!

There you go, there you go.

All right, all right, don't forget whose show it is.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

APPLAUSE

Bobby, you got the most points there, which means you won,

which means the gold star goes to Holly's team, well done!

CHEERING

Well, it's time to find out who's dripping with gold

and who's going to be out in the cold with Mr Smash,

a man so wild, he lives in a safari park.

MR SMASH GROWLS

Oh, he's a lovely man, really.

So, let's see which teams are swotty and which team are...

AUDIENCE: Naughty!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

The winners are...

-Holly's team!

-CHEERING

Well done, Holly's team.

Unfortunately, Amirah's team,

you have got to hand your homework over to the dog.

CHEERING

DOG MUNCHES

So, Pippa, Amirah and Lloyd,

it's time to head to detention

and take the walk of shame.

-Off you go.

-MR SMASH GROWLS

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

# La, losers. #

So, unlucky, guys, but well done to Bobby, Holly and Jack,

you guys get to hand in your homework!

-CHEERING

-Bring your homework over.

# La-la la-la la-la la

# You are the winners

# La-la la-la la-la la

# You are the winners. #

OK, let's have the losers back on for detention with Mr Smash.

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

-# La-la la la-la la

-Losers

# La, losers. #

There you go, they certainly look like losers.

Well, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying,

see you all next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

-See you!

-DOG MUNCHES AND BELCHES