Episode 11 The Dog Ate My Homework

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the school team panel show which is guaranteed to teach you

absolutely nothing.

First up, let's take the register and meet the teams.

On my right is a real teacher's pet - I mean it,

they kept him in a cage and fed him bird seed.

It's Pavan, everyone.

Here, sir.

And in Pavan's team, someone who gets an F

in subtraction and addition tests cos they don't know the difference.

-It's Sam Fletcher.

-Here, sir.

And joining Pavan, an actress and vlogger who before the show

proved that she can do her 12-times table.

Actually, she just said the word "table" 12 times.

-But well done, you. It's Grace Mandeville.

-Here, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Pavan's team!

And on my left, someone who never gets straight As,

her Bs are a bit wonky and her Cs are all over the place, it's Maddie.

Here, sir!

And in Maddie's team, a man with a face that, had it been carved

in the woodwork class, I'd have given it an A+.

-It's Tom Crane.

-Here, sir.

And joining them, a man with a terrifying screen presence,

-it's the daredevil himself - it's Dan Antopolski.

-Here, sir!

Give it up for Maddie's team, everyone.

Right, here's how the show works.

I ask questions, the team answer those questions.

It's not rocket science. It's The Dog Ate My Homework. Keep up.

So, a correct answer wins you a gold star.

Whoo!

And if you really impress me, then you may win a bonus star.

Whoo!

But be warned, give me any cheek, me lassies and me laddies,

and I will shoo them away.

Aww!

Hey, before you report me to the Board of Education, remember,

it's Ian's school, so it's...

Ian's rules.

Yes, that is my catchphrase.

Helping to keep an eye on proceedings today,

a man so thick, after 40 years as a PE teacher,

he still doesn't know what the offside rule is.

It's Mr Smash.

Boo!

BUZZING

BUZZING STOPS

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

Right, let's get on with the show.

Time now for Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

Thank you, voice of the above.

The game where I ask quickfire questions,

and if you hesitate, repeat or just talk gibberish,

I will put you in the shush position.

Can I please see everyone's shush position?

Here are my shoes.

-No, shush.

-Oh, shush.

-Thank you, Antopolski.

The winning team is the last team talking.

But first, I need to get my stick of pointiness.

Whoo!

Thank you. It's only a stick, guys, just calm down.

The shirt's much nicer.

It's the sort of thing the Queen uses to pick her nose, isn't it?

This is what the Queen uses to pick her nose.

"Oh, I hereby decree that I, the Queen, have a massive bogey."

OK, it's time now for Stick To The Point.

I'm going to give you your first subject.

If I point at you, you answer me, that is very, very simple.

Subject one is things you'd find in the school cafeteria.

-Sam.

-Chips.

-Tom.

-Dinner lady.

-Dan.

Someone dropping something and everybody going...whooah!

-Pavan.

-Knives and forks.

-Maddie.

-Mouldy peas.

-Mouldy peas?

-Yeah, I don't know.

It's mushy peas.

-No.

-They were mushy, and then they got mouldy.

-Yeah, exactly.

Your school needs to up its game.

-Grace.

-People.

-People!

-Tom.

-Long, boring queues.

-Yes.

-Some.

-Ketchup.

-Yes. Dan.

-Mayonnaise.

-Yes.

Pavan.

Shush position!

-Maddie.

-Hairnet.

Yeah, good. Grace.

-Water.

-Yes.

So, in your dinner table there is water and people.

-It was a really exciting school.

-You're just describing earth. Tom.

A hair in my custard.

-I did find that once. And I swallowed it.

-Swallowed it?

Yeah, I couldn't stop coughing all day, and people were saying...

I assume it was a human hair, I hope it was, but...

I know, ugh, custard!

-Sam.

-Custard.

-Maddie.

-Um...

Hesitation. Get in the shush position.

-Grace.

-Surface.

-Surface?

-Yeah, like where you cut stuff on.

-Stop being so vague!

Dan.

Shush position.

Sam.

Shush position.

It's between Grace and Tom.

-Tom.

-Father Christmas.

-No.

-Why?

-I panicked.

-Father Christmas?!

Well, at Christmas, maybe, the dinner lady might dress up.

Father Christmas doesn't go to the school cafeteria.

-The last week just before Christmas.

-Right, shush position.

The points in that round go to Pavan's team.

All right, guys. Subject number two - noises animals make.

-Sam.

-Moo.

-Tom.

-Meow.

-A very posh cat.

-Meow.

-Grace.

-Woof-woof. A dog!

-Do it properly.

-Woof-woof!

-That's why I didn't do it properly.

-Damn.

-Raarrrh!

-Lion.

-Pavan.

-Bukk-bukk! Bukk!

-Bkk-bkk?

-A chicken.

-A chicken doesn't say the word "buck".

"Hello, I'm a chicken, buck."

I'll give you that.

-Maddie.

-Quack.

Yeah. That's an echo. Sam.

HE SQUEAKS

Someone rubbing a balloon?

What, a pig farting?

-Dolphin?

-A dolphin.

-Tom.

No, that's the sound of a worm. Completely silent.

I'll give you that. Very good.

Grace.

SHE TRUMPETS

A woman that's scared of her own arm?

-An elephant, come on, come on!

-I'll give you that. Tom.

HE GIBBERS

-A monkey?

-No, it's another worm, I'm just not very good at impressions.

I'll give you that. Dan.

HE HISSES Yes. Sam.

Shush position. Maddie.

SHE SNORTS

That's my dad sleeping. Pavan.

Shush position. OK, Dan.

-Cock-a-doodle-doo!

-Grace.

Shush position.

The points go to Maddie's team in that round.

Next is people with dangerous jobs.

People with dangerous jobs. Maddie.

-Firefighter.

-Yes.

-Grace.

-You.

-Thank you. Tom.

-Boxer.

-Yes.

-Pavan.

-A policeman.

-Yes.

-Dan.

-Stuntman.

-Yes. Sam.

I was going to say stuntman. Give me a chance, um...

Shush position.

This is a dangerous game. Tom.

-Racing driver.

-Grace.

-Lifeguard.

-Maddie.

-Bungee jumping professional.

A bungee jumping unprofessional is much more dangerous.

If you're not trained and you're bungee jumping, that is pretty bad.

Grace.

Shush position.

It's Pavan. It's three on one, mate. Here we go. Tom.

-Lion tamer.

-Pavan.

-Zookeeper.

-Maddie.

-RSPCA dog trainer.

-I don't know.

-Get in the shush position.

Pavan.

Shush position. The points go to Maddie's team there.

BELL RINGS

That is the end of that round. And the gold stars go to Maddie's team.

Time now for Who Do You Think You Are?

Not to be confused with the TV show of exactly the same name.

I mean, honestly, guys, what were you thinking? Ridiculous.

Sorry. I'll ask each team captain to choose someone

to pop their head in our very own Hole of Fame.

'The Hole of Fame.'

Actually, it's just a hole,

but we'll project the body of a better-looking...

Sorry, better-known celebrity onto the screen

and they have to guess who they are by asking yes/no questions.

The team that asks the fewest questions wins the game.

Today's subjects are taken from the world of sport.

Pavan, your team will be going first,

so, Sam, can you please assume the position in the Hole of Fame?

'The Hole of Fame.'

Pop your head through there, mate.

Look at that. Right in.

OK, Sam, it's time to make you famous.

OK, Sam, can you look to your left

a little bit and up a tiny bit.

And just could you look victorious?

Look victorious.

There we go.

-Lovely stuff. Lovely, lovely stuff.

-Yes!

Say something victorious.

-I did it!

-You did.

-I did it!

-You did.

OK, Sam, you've got to ask yes/no questions to your team

and work out who you think you are. Off you go.

So, I'm a famous sporting celebrity?

Yes.

Am I famous for...?

How about you go with

things like gender to begin with?

Oh, yeah, thank you. Am I a man?

-What a good question.

-Yes.

-OK.

Am I a young man?

-Sort of.

-Sort of. Am I...?

Oh, do I...do football?

-No.

-No.

-Do I do athletics?

-Yes.

-Yes.

You compete in athletics, yes, Sam.

-Yes, compete in it.

-Just pick any other verb, really. You'll be fine.

Do I do running?

-Yes.

-Yes. Come on.

-I think I may...

You can ask.

Am I doing the old Bolt movement here?

Is that what it's called?

We can pretend.

The catchphrase he calls "the old Bolt movement",

that's what he calls it?

I am Usain Bolt.

Yeah!

-Well done.

-'School disco.'

School disco!

# Hey, I just met you

# And this is crazy

# But here's my number

# So call me maybe

# And all the boys

# Try to chase me

# But here's my number

# So call me maybe

# Before you came... #

MUSIC STOPS

OK, it's now time for Maddie's team.

Tom, you're up.

So please assume the position in the Hole of Fame.

'The Hole of Fame.'

All right, stick your head in, let's see what you look like.

Hello, guys.

How do you feel?

Undignified.

Right, Tom, it's time to make you famous.

There we go.

Tom, could you just sort of strain a bit,

really strain. Just do the face. That's good. OK, Tom,

you can ask some yes/no questions, try and work out who you are.

OK, am I a boy?

-You are a boy.

-Yeah.

-Right...

-Are you OK? You feel like you're struggling.

-You told me to pull a funny face.

-You're still doing it?

Yes. I don't normally look like that all the time.

What would you look like if you were jumping?

If you were mid-jump, in a still.

-It's quite hard to do that.

-That's it.

Something to do with jumping?

-Not necessarily jumping.

-Not necessarily jumping, OK.

-Is there a ball involved?

-Yes, there is.

-Yeah.

-There is a ball, OK.

-Jumping might be useful.

-So I hit the ball with something.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So, am I a golfer?

-No.

-No.

-A golfereeno?

-No.

I'm really tired, I'm just go to have some juice. Juice.

Ah, juice.

-Um, juice... Oh, tennis.

-Yes.

Am I a tennisereeno?

-You're a tennisereeno, you are.

-I'm a tennisereeno?

-Yeah.

-Brilliant, OK.

So, I am going to go... Oh, I know who I must be.

-Am I Scottish?

-Yes.

Well, it's one of the Murrays.

-So it's probably Andy Murray.

-Yeah!

Yeah!

Good effort from both teams.

But I'm going to have to give the gold star

to Maddie's team, everyone.

CHEERING

We all think that teachers are goody-two-shoes, but there are

several members of staff pulling a sickie today,

and I want you guys to help find me a supply teacher.

But there's a catch.

The teams are going to interview several candidates, all claiming

to be a proper prof, but only one of them is telling the truth.

The others are impostors.

It's our team's job to identify and pie the real teachers.

All our pies are made by trained experts.

A-tchoo!

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

I'm all right, thanks, mate, you're fine.

OK, guys, let's meet the teachers.

BOOING

OK, today's substitute teachers are all allegedly drama teachers,

but who's playing us for fools?

OK, let's meet the teachers. First up, it's Mrs MacKay.

Mrs MacKay is a retired teacher who taught drama for 36 years.

She loves the fact that everyone can do drama.

Embarrassingly, she once went to school with two odd shoes on.

What's she like?! LAUGHTER

Mrs Dalton has been a drama teacher for 12 years.

Her favourite thing about teaching drama

is watching kids bring words to life.

Bit weird.

In her spare time, she plays drums in a heavy-metal band.

I'm sure you do(!)

Mr Akram has been a drama teacher for just over a year.

His favourite thing about teaching is giving children confidence.

His most embarrassing moment is when a lead actress in his play

fell ill on the opening night

and he had to wear her outfit to play the part.

Mrs Wilson has been a drama teacher for nine years.

Her favourite thing about teaching drama

is getting to perform every day.

Her most embarrassing story

was when she tripped on stage in the middle of a performance

and had to dance off again in front of a full house.

OK, so you guys have to work out who is the genuine-y supply teacher.

Maddie's team - who's got the look of a teacher about them?

Ugh. Who do you like least?

They all look sort of tired and resentful. It's hard to say.

LAUGHTER

They all look tired and miserable!

Yeah, that dead-eyed stare. That's what you're looking for.

What do you think, Maddie? You're still at school.

-Has anyone got an aura of teacher about them?

-Mrs Dalton, I think.

-Why Mrs Dalton?

-I don't know. She has a very sleek sort of, like...

Short hair, black and it's all very organised.

-Very organised.

-They all look like teachers, I must say.

They all have that aura of a teacher about them.

Pavan's team. What are you thinking? Have a look at them.

Well, Pavan has got a good technique, haven't you?

-He wants to ask them all a question each.

-Oh, OK.

Are any of you supply teachers?

They all nodded, apart from Mrs MacKay.

So either she's very cunning or doesn't understand the game.

-We don't know.

-I've got a question, I think.

-On you go, Thomas.

For Mrs Wilson on the end. OK?

If you're a drama teacher, let's see your best impression of a frog.

LAUGHTER

Here we go.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

LAUGHTER

Ribbit.

-Oh, my days!

-Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Could we see Mr Akram do the same thing?

-Yes!

-Yeah.

He seems delighted about this.

-Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

Pavan's team, any questions for anyone?

Mrs MacKay, do your best impression of an elephant.

What-What is this?

LAUGHTER

This is obviously what people assume drama teachers do all day!

Sadly, yeah.

Oh, no...

You look like a zombie!

LAUGHTER

A zombie elephant!

APPLAUSE

I hate to be a stickler for the rules here,

but does anyone want to ask the guys any questions

that are maybe, I don't know, drama-teacher related?

-Yeah, a drama teacher should be able to sing, do you think?

-Oh, yeah.

So join in with this.

# Awimbawe, awimbawe, awimbawe... #

-ALL JOIN IN:

-# Awimbawe, awimbawe

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle

# The lion sleeps tonight

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle

# The lion sleeps tonight... #

Right, well, that's helping absolutely no way whatsoever.

All right, audience. You've heard the questions,

but who do you think the real teacher is?

Shout out now.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS ANSWERS

All right, we've heard what the audience have got to say.

So it's time now to Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Maddie, you're up first.

So please select your teacher and get your pie. Here we go.

Off you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's it going to be?

Ohhhhhhh....

Ahhhh!

Mrs Wilson's got all pie in her face and that now!

Pavan, you're up next, mate,

so please come over here and Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, he slammed it!

Oh, my goodness.

Are you all right? Are you all right, Mr Akram?

Calm down. It's your own time you're wasting.

Now it's time to reveal the answer.

So would the real supply teacher please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Neither of you got the answer right,

so, sadly, neither of you get a gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Ladies and gentlemen, she's got away with it.

Please give it up for Mrs MacKay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time for Smarty Pants...

'Smarty Pants.'

..where we find out who's the brainiest

by making them wear a massive pair of underscants.

And who says the BBC is dumbing down?

I do!

Here are the pants, here.

Whoa!

Joking, they're not attached.

Our teams answer the maths questions by filling said pants -

ain't they lovely? -

with the right amount of coloured sponge foam things,

to use the technical term. And the first person to finish

with the correct number of sponge foam things -

again, the technical term - in their tube wins.

So, captains, who's your master of maths?

Or, as they say in America...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Hey, buddy, who's your master of math?"

It's got an S in it, America. It's got an S in it.

All right, Pavan, who was the brainiest out of Grace and Sam?

-No offence, but it has to be Sam.

-Oh, is it because of the glasses?

-It's the glasses, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's the glasses.

Are you clever, or are you lying to us through the opticians?

Er, yeah, the second one. Yeah, I'm terrible at maths.

-How about wearing massive pants?

-I'm really good at that!

There you go. 50%.

And Maddie? Out of Dan and Tom? Who is the brainiest one?

-I think it's the Tomster.

-It's Tom, it's Tom.

Dan, are you saying Tom because you think he's brainy,

or because you don't want to run around in massive pants?

-Huh?

-Guilty face!

LAUGHTER

"What say you?"

-Tom, how's your maths?

-It's not too bad.

How's your wearing massive pants?

Just brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Well, you're in luck, cos I've got two pairs.

Right, guys, come over here and get your pants.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very fetching.

OK, guys, get those on and let's play Smarty Pants!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, that was a quick change, guys. You're looking very swanky.

How are you enjoying wearing big pants?

I'm never going to leave these big pants. This is my new look.

-What about you, Sam?

-As long as I've got my dignity, I'm fine.

-Nice one.

-Guys, do you understand the rules?

-Yes.

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question.

And my first question is...

how many countries border Spain in Europe? Go!

-Two, two, two.

-Two, two!

-EVERYONE SHOUTS:

-Two! Two!

-SAM:

-Argh! He's got me leg!

They're cheats!

-Block his way, Tom. Block his way.

-In your pants, get back through.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Oh...

Come on!

Hit that buzzer, hit that buzzer!

BUZZER

Next question - which Apollo successfully landed on the moon?

EVERYONE SHOUTS ANSWERS

12! 12!

-Go on, Tom.

-Three, four.

Get them really stuffed in there.

Use the bum area for extra space!

Get them really stuffed down.

Go on, you've got it!

And back through, come on!

Go!

-Do not let him get in that tube first!

-Come on, get in that tube!

-Come on, Tom!

-Empty them out! Empty them out!

Tom has completely lost his pants at this stage.

-That's it!

-BUZZER

-The number of sides on a pentagon.

-Five, five, five!

Tom has got some catching up to do.

What are you doing?

He's stopping for a breather.

A pentagon, a pentagon.

-Three, three!

-What are you doing?

A pentagon, how many is it?

Utilise your bottoms!

Get them in your underscants. Into your underscants, into the tube.

Two hands, go, go!

What was the question?

BUZZER

Pi begins with what digit? Tom's already on.

Pi begins with what digit?

-Three, three, three.

-Three!

-What are you doing?!

-Come on, Tom.

I don't know, who is it going to be?

Yay!

BELL RINGS

-Wait. Why is there...? Is there a shoe?

-Tom is a bit...

-I'm going to come over and speak to you. How do you feel?

-Exhausted.

Why do you have a shoe in there?

Cos I dropped one on the way and I thought it might count.

IAIN LAUGHS

Do you want to include this in the number?

-If that can be... That's one of these.

-OK.

So you're first, but you have to make sure

you have the right answers.

The questions were, how many countries border Spain in Europe?

Four. Which Apollo successfully landed on the moon?

-13.

-11.

-11. That's the one.

-How many sides on a pentagon?

-Five.

-Five.

-And pi begins with what digit? Three.

-Three!

OK, so that comes to 23.

-Yep.

-So here we go.

-ALL COUNT:

-One, two, three, four, five...

..20. 21!

Yeah!

-It's 23. How bad is your maths?

-Oh! I got that wrong, as well!

Right, well that means Sam's still in the game.

Sam, if you have 23, you get the gold star for your team.

-How are you feeling?

-Oh, pants, mate.

-Going to give you a wedgie. Whoop!

-Hey!

OK, here we go. 23. Here we go.

-ALL COUNT:

-One, two, three, four, five...

..18, 19, 20, 21!

Oh, no! Guys, sadly, you're both equally bad.

I know, so I can't give either of you the gold star.

Iain, you should get the gold star cos you're so smart.

-In that case, the points go to Pavan's team.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that, people, is the end of the show.

So now let's tot up the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

So today's winners are Maddie's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done to you, you are triumphant and get to hand in your homework.

But, Pavan's team, your homework is going to be eaten by the dog,

so off to detention with you.

# Lalala-lalala

# Losers!

# Lalala-lalala

# Losers!

# Lalala-lalala

# Losers!

# Lalala-lalala

# Losers!

# Lalala-lalala

# Losers!

# Losers. #

Well, guys, that's all we have time for.

As always, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-ALL:

-THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE