Episode 12 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

DOG PANTING

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CHEERING

Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the panel show where we add some guests, multiply it by games,

subtract the boring bits, and the answer is...

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

LAUGHTER

..a whole heap of fun.

First up, it's time to take the register and to meet our classmates.

On the right is a young man whose interests include marshmallows,

chocolates and biscuit, so he's already on a rocky road.

-It's Callum!

-Yes, sir!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining Callum is someone who's a wizard in the kitchen,

although if he spent less time dressing like a wizard

and more time cooking, he'd probably do a lot better.

-It's Mawaan Rizwan, everyone!

-All right, sir.

CHEERING

And on Callum's team, finally, someone who loves fractions

so much we're only paying her half of her fee.

-It's Ellie Taylor.

-Yes, sir!

Give it up for Callum's team, everyone.

APPLAUSE

And to my left, a young lady who always obeys the rules of no

running in school, which is why she comes last on sports day.

-It's Caitlin!

-Yes, sir!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in Caitlin's team,

a man who went to school made entirely of ice cream.

It was a sundae school. Stop it. It's Marlon Davis.

Present, sir!

And finally, someone who always misses the morning bell

because he was told it's never too late to learn. It's Sam Fletcher!

-Here, sir.

-Give it up for Caitlin's team, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Also, Callum, I can't help noticing you've got

a Dog Ate My Homework T-shirt.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Because... This is true.

Ellie, you were a model back in the day, weren't you?

Iain, I can't believe you've brought it up, but, yes, I was.

-Should we do a little catwalk?

-We're going to have to, aren't we?

-Yeah, we are.

-Everyone, give them a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what you need to do if you're on a catwalk,

you have to imagine there's an imaginary line on the floor

and you have to just walk, both feet on that line.

And then you have to look straight ahead. Own it, Callum, own it.

And then when you get to the end,

we look at the camera like we love it, but also we hate it.

-And then you...

-LAUGHTER

And then whip the head. And back.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a panel show all about school,

and a big part of school was clubs.

Was anyone in any school clubs at school? Caitlin, yes?

Well, I went to the badminton club,

and no offence to the person who taught that, it was probably

one of the worst places I have ever been in my life.

I love that thing when you say, "No offence to the person,"

and then are just incredibly offensive to that person.

"No offence, mate, but you stink." Anyone else?

When I was at school, it was chess club or chess club.

-And I went to chess club.

-LAUGHTER

I was there for two years, I went nearly every day,

-and I still don't know how to play chess.

-Sir?

-Yes.

-I was in a choir.

-Really?

-Yeah.

IAIN LAUGHS

I was in a choir until my voice dropped.

LAUGHTER

-Wait, this is your voice dropped?

-My voice has dropped.

What did you sound like before it dropped?

HE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

IAIN LAUGHS

Like an angel, Marlon.

APPLAUSE

OK. How about we all just get on with the show?!

CHEERING

OK, guys, here's how the show works.

Our teams have a number of rounds in which to win as many

stars as possible.

And in case you're wondering, here is what the stars look like.

Aw!

It actually looks weirdly like Sam Fletcher.

Look down camera two. Hair off.

Hair on. LAUGHTER

Hair off. Hair on. All right, I'm only joking.

Actually, the stars look a little bit like this.

TWINKLING

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Yes, but that's not all.

If you make me chuckle or cheer, then I'll drop you a bonus star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

And in fact, do you know what, Callum?

For your catwalk earlier, I'm going to give you one right now.

Bonus star for Callum, everyone. Right away.

CHEERING

Good work.

But don't twist my lemons, or I'll turn sour

and just take them away.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Hey, before you start grumbling, remember, it's Iain's school,

-so it's... ALL:

-Iain's rules!

-Yes.

At the end of the show, the team with the most stars wins,

and the losers get to spend quality time with this guy.

You all right, Mr Smash?

HE GRUNTS

What are you doing, mate? A jigsaw?

HE GRUNTS Let's have a little look.

HE LAUGHS

Oh! No!

HE YELLS

I was only asking.

OK, time for Round One!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it is time now for English round, it is The Last Word.

-'The Last Word.'

-Ho-ho!

I'll ask both teams a series of questions.

I want the answer to the previous question,

not the answer to the question I've just asked.

Do you understand? Ellie?

-No.

-You clearly don't because you're not meant to answer that question.

-Ah!

-The team that messes up the least will get a gold star.

Do we understand this? Of course we don't, who cares?

Let's do this. OK, first question for Callum.

What superhero dresses like a bat?

Oh, very well done.

Mawaan, you brush or teeth with a...?

-A Batman.

-You do.

Marlon, London is the capital of...?

-Toothbrush.

-Yes.

Ellie, what is the opposite of up?

-The UK.

-Correct.

Caitlin, which Pixar film has talking dogs

and a house that floats using balloons?

-Down.

-Correct.

Sam, what natural satellite can you see at night?

-Up.

-Yes.

Ellie, finish the title, Harry Potter And The Chamber Of...

Venus.

Incorrect. Marlon, the milkman delivers...?

-Planet.

-LAUGHTER

Ellie, what would you find with a leprechaun

at the end of the rainbow?

-Milk.

-Correct.

Ellie, in Wolfblood, Bobby Lockwood turns into...?

Oh, you tricker.

LAUGHTER

I can't remember what it was!

Callum is going to punch you.

-A werewolf.

-Werewolf.

No, incorrect.

I think the next answer might be quite easy.

The Cookie Monster loves, Sam?

He just said it!

Sorry, I was thinking about something else.

Mawaan, a takeaway by the sea might serve fish and...?

-I'm not... I wasn't listening.

-Incorrect!

Marlon, fishermen love catching...?

Seas.

LAUGHTER

We've lost it, we've completely lost it.

Caitlin, NASA's famous saying goes, "Houston, we have a..."?

-Chips.

-No!

-You're two behind now.

-No.

-Sam, spell "lava".

-Oh, I can spell "lava".

-No, that's not the point of the game!

It is so easy, but I want to... Er...

-Fish. No.

-No!

-Planet.

-No!

That's about five questions ago!

-Werewolf.

-Werewolf.

-No!

Right, this guy knows how to play this game.

Callum, what's David Beckham's first name?

-Problem.

-It's "lava"!

Spell "lava"!

What's David Beckham's first name?

-Next question.

-OK.

-Ellie Taylor...

-Yes!

-..what noise do sheep make?

-David.

-Yes!

CHEERING

Caitlin, what would a ghost say to make you jump?

-Baaa!

-Yes!

Marlon, what letter comes after S in the alphabet?

-Boo!

-Yes.

Sam, what do pirates say?

L-A-V-A.

That's ages ago!

That is literally age... Look, there's the answers! Read them!

Iain, that is how you spell "lava", I'm sorry.

-MAWAAN:

-I'm going to have to stand up for Sam. That was quite correct.

-Thank you.

-Callum, spell "star".

HE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED NOISE

Buda...

"Bu-da"?! "Bu-da"?! LAUGHTER

This round has turned from getting the answer right to just

screaming at one another. So you got "spell star" wrong.

Sam, what do you wear on your feet?

S-T-A-R.

Correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mawaan, you can't teach dogs new...?

-New shoes.

-Yes.

Ellie, lights, camera...?

-Tricks.

-Correct. Marlon, 1D are also known as...?

-Boo.

-BUZZER, LAUGHTER

I'm going to give you a bonus star because that is true.

Barack Obama is known for, Caitlin?

-One Direction.

-He is, famously.

He replaced Zayn Malik. Ellie, actions speak louder than...?

-The American President.

-Correct.

-And, Sam, what do you keep in your wallet?

-Words.

-Correct.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS That is the end of the round.

CHEERING

Well, guys, I can reveal, amazingly, at the end of that round

you both got the same amount wrong and neither of you get a gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-But well done for trying.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time now for a bit of drama. It's time for Mime Craft.

-'Mime Craft.'

-Oh, hello.

Now, obviously, I'm a trained mime artist. As you can see.

SLURPING

GLASS BREAKS

CAT MEOWS

Sorry about that. But can our teams do better?

One member of each team will have one minute to act out as many

sporting activities as they can.

All their team-mates have to do is guess what it is they are miming.

So, Callum, you can go first, mate. I think...

I think you might have do stand up for this bit. There we go.

Callum, who do you want to not speak for the next minute?

Well, it was a very hard decision.

-But I think Ellie.

-Thanks.

Mawaan, as a performer, what do you spend a lot of your time doing?

I just did a show in Edinburgh which was all mime.

LAUGHTER

-Which I didn't know.

-I think Callum read the reviews.

-Fair enough.

-I went.

-Touche, Callum.

OK, Ellie, please make your way to the mime spot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it is time to mime. Your minute starts

when they flip over the first mime.

Three, two, one, here we go.

KLAXON

-Football.

-Football.

-Yes.

-Volleyball.

-Yes. Volleyball.

Golf.

Hockey. Ice hockey.

Yes.

What's that?! Curling you hair?

-Oh.

-Curling.

-Yes!

-What's curling?

-What's curling?! Get out.

-Ghosts.

-Ghosts.

-Rock climbing.

-Rock climbing.

-Yes!

-Yes. The famous sport of ghosts.

-Golf.

-You're in the club.

-Snooker.

-Slow dance.

-Snooker?!

-Pool. Pool.

-Billiards.

-Scrabble.

-Snakes & Ladders.

-Come on!

-You really should know this.

-What?

-You started talking.

-Mime?

-Oh, chess.

-Yes!

-Have a seat.

-I got it.

-Have a seat.

-You're in chess club.

-I know. It's been a while.

It's been six years, guys.

-Have you just forgotten what chess is completely?

-Yeah.

All right, Caitlin, if I'm being honest, you've not got much to beat.

So, who do you want to be miming this one? Sam or Marlon?

Probably going to have to be Sam.

All right, OK, Sam, make your way to the miming spot.

-I'll just go down here.

-APPLAUSE

Oh, lovely.

Didn't think it through. Didn't think it through. Oh, no.

Oh, get the door, get the door.

-I've fallen through it. I've fallen through it.

-OK.

The time starts when you flip over your first one, so let's go.

KLAXON

Basketball. Ah!

-Golf. Golf. Hockey.

-Yes.

-Jumping.

-What is that?!

-Diving.

-Diving.

-Long jump.

-Long jump.

-No, it's not. Keep going.

-Triple jump.

-What's the difference?

-Triple jump.

-Next, next, next.

-Rowing.

-Rowing.

SAM IMITATES RACE CAR

Driving a car.

-Formula One.

-Formula One, yes.

-Standing still.

-Put it down!

HE MAKES SWISHING SOUND

-Oh, oh! Oh!

-It's the other way round, it's front.

What's that called? What is that called?

Swimming.

LAUGHTER

-Penguin.

-Next!

Synchronised swimming. Ah! Oh, no.

-Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

-Cheerleading.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round,

I can reveal that the winners by one

are Callum's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello, everyone, it's time for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Sounded like Sean Connery just then.

We're about to meet four people who all claim to be real

supply teachers, but only one of them is telling the truth.

My advice is to look for the clues, like badly-fitting clothes

and excess nasal hair.

And if they're women, badly-fitting clothes and excess nasal hair.

Either way, the teams must identify and then pie the supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

This is, I mean, this is our chance to pie a teacher,

so let's do this properly.

Everyone, please, welcome on the teachers!

BOOING

Nasty teachers.

Today's supply teachers all claim to be English teachers,

but which one is telling the truth?

I'm going to give you a few interesting facts

about our teachers. Here we go.

Teacher number one is called Mrs Gerken.

She's been an English teacher for four years. Embarrassingly,

she often misspells her own name in front of her whole class.

Teacher number two is Miss Barbour, and she's been a teacher for a year.

She likes to experiment with fashion,

and once went to school with her top inside out and back to front.

Teacher number three is Miss White.

Her most embarrassing story is

when she once slept in and missed two of her classes.

Naughty.

'School disco.'

School disco!

MUSIC: Waiting For Love by Avicii

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Teacher number four is Mr Saggu.

He's been a teacher for six years. His proudest achievement

is coming fifth in an English Teacher of the Year award.

Everyone, give it up for the teachers!

APPLAUSE AND BOOING

OK, who do you think is the real supply teacher?

Caitlin, it's over to your team first.

I'm going to go up the row and ask you to give me an adverb.

GASPING

Oh, what a question! Do you know what, Caitlin?

Bonus star for that question. What a question.

Right, you're all English teachers. Adverbs. Nice and easy.

If you say a wrong one, Caitlin will have to tell us

if you're right or not cos I don't know what one is.

Adverb, number one.

To do.

Number two.

Slowly.

-Number three.

-Fastly.

-Number four.

-Impossibly.

I mean, I think they cottoned onto the L-Y at the end.

LAUGHTER

OK, number one, no.

-No. No, that's not right.

-No?

-Not right?

-No.

-So you're writing off number one?

-Yeah.

Callum's team?

-I've got the ultimate test.

-Oh, yeah? Go.

-SAM:

-Very good. Yes.

Number four looked furious when I did that.

LAUGHTER

-It's definitely four.

-OK. Any more questions, Caitlin?

Erm, what made you get into teaching?

Oh, good question. One.

I came into teaching because I love to educate little minds.

"Little!"

"I like little minds!"

Not big minds, eurgh!

Number three.

It's simple. The school holidays.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

A bonus star to number three!

Number four?

I hate children.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And number two.

To cultivate a love of literature and the money.

Aw, boring! Right, anyway, Callum, final question.

What is your favourite novel, number two?

Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell.

-Three.

-Jane Eyre.

-Four.

-Er, I don't do novels.

"I don't do novels!" You're an English teacher!

"I don't do novels?!"

"We're not reading this, it's got no pictures in it. This is rubbish."

Before we pie the supply, audience, we want you to tell us

who you think the real teacher is.

On the count of three, who do you think the real supply teacher is?

AUDIENCE SHOUT ANSWERS

OK, calm down.

Caitlin, you've heard what the audience have got to say,

but let's see what your team think. Please come over and...

'Pie the supply.'

Yes, please.

CHEERING

Caitlin, one of them's a supply teacher. Get them pied!

Follow your heart, Caitlin. Follow your heart.

Who's it going to be?

Ooooh...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, Callum,

you've heard the audience, you've spoken to your team.

-It's time to...

-Pie the supply.

CHEERING

Off you go, big man.

Ooooh...

No, he won't...?!

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Your face is the same colour as your hair.

Right, now, this is the real moment.

Let's see if we actually did pie a supply teacher.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

CHEERING

Which means at the end of that round,

the gold stars go to Callum's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time now for Who Do You Think You Are?

I know who I am, I'm a Z-list celebrity with very nice hair.

I know who I think you are, I think you're someone who likes

watching Z-list celebrities stick their heads through a hole.

Well, you're in luck cos we're going to project the body

of a much more famous person onto our celebs' faces.

They then have to guess who they are by asking yes-no questions.

The teams that ask the fewest questions win the game.

This week, all our celebrities are taken from the world of music.

So, Callum's team, you're up first.

So, Mawaan, please put your head in the Hole of Fame.

'The Hole of Fame.'

CHEERING

Hey!

The hair's in as well. Good.

Mawaan, it's time to make you famous.

Hrrrezap!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Mawaan, lovely! Lovely.

Lovely.

-Is this your girlfriend you're with now?

-Erm, yeah.

This is my best friend.

Mawaan, you have to work out who you are by asking

yes and no questions to your team.

And don't forget, it's from the world of music.

Am I a woman?

-No.

-No.

Am I a pop singer?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Am I more famous than Girls Aloud?

-Yeah.

-Yep.

-Yes, everyone's more famous than Girls Aloud.

-Fair point.

LAUGHTER

Do I sell loads of records currently?

-Yes.

-Yep.

Ooh... Am I in a band?

-No.

-No.

-Am I good?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Thanks, guys.

Wait, are you talking about you or the...artist?

The artist who I am.

Yeah, HE'S good.

LAUGHTER

Bonus gold star for Callum, everyone. Well done, mate.

-Am I Justin Bieber?

-No.

-Oh.

I said you were someone good.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Another gold star.

-Zinger, zinger.

Do I make songs about...

-love?

-Yes.

-Do I have long hair?

-No.

-His hair's quite famous.

-You've got quite distinctive hair.

Oh, oh, am I Jedward?

-No!

-LAUGHTER

-It's a fair enough guess.

-Girls Aloud, Jedward?

Oh, mate, this is going to crumble. It's like a Lego house, this.

-Honestly.

-I'm trying.

He's giving you the answer.

Listen to what Iain's saying.

-OK. Crumble.

-No!

-LAUGHTER

The famous artist Crumble!

-I think I'm going to have to tell you the answer, mate.

-No, la-la!

-One last guess.

-Am I... Rod Stewart?

No! LAUGHTER

I can't think of anyone.

No, no, no. Mawaan Rizwan, you were Ed Sheeran.

-That's what I meant.

-Useless, mate.

OK, Sam, you're up next.

Please assume the position in the Hole of Fame.

'The Hole of Fame.'

There he is. OK, Sam Fletcher, it's time to make you famous.

Zabakay!

LAUGHTER Oh!

Oh. Whoohoo!

Where have you put your hands?

Where they naturally go.

OK.

Yes-no questions, Sam Fletcher, who do you think you are?

Well, I feel like a totally new person, and so am I a boy?

-Yup.

-Yeah.

-Am I in a band?

-Yeah.

Am I in a really famous band?

-Yes!

-Yes!

-One Direction.

-Yes!

-Yes!

The whole problem is, though,

I don't really know any of the members of One Direction.

No, you do, you do. Name the names.

Liam?

Oh!

There's Niall.

-No, no.

-No.

-Am I the one who has the big hair?

Famous for the big hair?

No.

-Not Harry?

-No.

-Harry, Niall, Liam, Fabio and Kyle.

-No!

-No!

-Come on! Come on!

I love there's so many girls in the audience going, "You idiot!"

The first letter of his name.

L.

Liam.

-No!

-LAUGHTER

Liam and Leroy.

Come on! Go on!

Leroy, La... Law... La... Larry.

Lawrence.

-Do you know what? You don't know it.

-No, no!

No idea, sorry.

You are Louis from One Direction.

CHEERING

Well done to both teams,

but the person with the most correct answers in the least amount

of questions and thereby getting the gold star, it is Callum's team.

CHEERING

OK, it's the end of the show and the tensions are running high.

It's about time to do the scores. Callum, how are you feeling?

-Er...

-I'll take that as not confident.

Caitlin's team, how do you think it's going to go?

Yes! Yes!

What was that?!

Oh, it's just, if we were to high-five,

-we might slap Caitlin in the face.

-Yeah.

OK. It is now time to tot up the scores,

so bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

And the winners are...

Callum's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Callum's team.

Unfortunately, Caitlin's team, the dog gets to eat your homework

and I'm afraid it is detention with Mr Smash.

Walk of shame, please.

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers!

# Losers. #

There you go. Guys, that's all we've got time for.

As always, we didn't learn much, but it sure was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Teacher!

CHEERING

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING